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00:04This fella come to our house, he said, do you believe in free speech?
00:08I said, I do. He said, can I use your celly for?
00:14Ladies and gentlemen, it's The Comedians!
00:45Maggie Murphy was singing in the front row of the chapel when she overbalanced and fell.
00:49She was hurtling down into the middle of the chapel and the leg of her drawers caught in one of
00:52the rafters.
00:53And she went swinging up and down and the parish priest said,
00:56if any man turns round to look at that unfortunate woman, may the Lord strike him blind.
01:01And Royley turns to Casey and he says, I think I'll risk one eye.
01:11Irishman up in court for maintenance.
01:13The judge said, we've decided to allow your wife £7 a week.
01:15He says, thanks very much and I'll try and send her a few shilling myself.
01:23He said, I'm too Irish, fellas. Come out the pubbing.
01:26Market Street. Drunk as a load in the wellies.
01:29The policeman said to the first fella, what's your name?
01:30He said, Murphy, it is, yes, it is.
01:34He said, where do you live? He said, no fixed abode.
01:38He said to the second fella, where do you live? He said, in a flat above him.
01:44Do you know, I've got a mate, I've got a mate, and he's a grand kid and all.
01:48A wonderful lad. He's a Jew boy, Jew boy, you know.
01:51There's no colour bar with me, I'll talk with anybody.
01:55As long as they pay, I'll keep supping.
01:59Do you know, and he said, he went to dentists.
02:01Got set in chair, dentist says, how many?
02:03He says, the lot, get them out.
02:05He says, oh, he says, whip them out.
02:09He said, it'll cost you 12 guineas.
02:10Oh, he said, hold on, cock.
02:12Hold on.
02:13He said, here's a dollar, slacken them.
02:15Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
02:19I've got one.
02:20Very good.
02:23Well, you've heard them all before, but it's the way I tell it.
02:26I should have read you this letter earlier on, actually.
02:28It's from my mother.
02:30She says, dear Frank, you've now been away for three weeks,
02:32and we thought you were still in the lavatory.
02:38the insurance man called this morning and said at the last installment on your granny's funeral
02:43isn't paid up she comes since you've left home your fella has become a sex maniac
02:52and tries to make love to me every opportunity he gets please excuse the bubbly writing
03:00let me get away with that one well it wasn't me told that it's the comey come behind me
03:07your aunt lily has had her teeth out and a new kitchen sink put in
03:11your grandmother who has been bedridden for 35 years took a feed of epsom salts yesterday
03:16she came down the stairs for the first time today the funeral was at two o'clock
03:25your uncle joe drank a bottle of varnish yesterday and had a horrible death but a lovely finish
03:32your uncle patty who's been on andrew's liver salts for 37 years died a fortnight ago
03:38yesterday we had to go up to the cemetery and beat his liver to death with a stick
03:48i would have put two pound in this letter only i have the envelope sealed
03:56see me laughing at that one that's the first time i've heard it
04:01your uncle george who is a sergeant in the paratroopers in germany jumped out of the airplane
04:06and his parachute didn't open he landed in a big field full of horses manure
04:12and spoke the only two words in german he knew
04:21the body of a woman believed to have been murdered 600 years ago was discovered here today in the
04:26Donegal hills by archaeologists the local royal ulster constabulary are looking for a 642 year old man to help him
04:37your brother sammy who has two wooden legs was far watching last night when the building went on fire
04:43the brigade came out and saved the building but sammy was burned to the ground
04:51the insurance company wouldn't pay it as they said he hadn't a leg to stand on
05:04this fellow was walking down the road and he found a wallet that thick
05:08and he opened it up and inside was a photograph of a hunchback
05:19i've got a mate he's dead look he's walking down the road the other day and a slate fell off
05:23a roof
05:23and it missed his shoulder by four inches split his bloody head open
05:38i know a fellow he's a maniocleptic
05:42he walks back into shops and these things
05:50something new
05:53this is
05:55rather like these quiz shows that you see a friend of mine he was on a quiz show a few
05:58weeks ago
05:59he won a trip to china he's out there now he's trying to win a trip back
06:15i know a fellow spent 30 years in darkest africa looking for the lost mazuzuki tribe
06:21he found them eventually living over a chip shop in bradford
06:40corporation toilets in birmingham illusion of fortune all these jamaicans keep doing the limbo under the door
06:51so up is the color bar on the what
06:57how are you sure lad you know there's not many of us left
07:02the dying race greetings cousin i didn't realize you were in i'm just
07:07are you all right settling down in this country
07:12well we take over a monday
07:17hey i'm coming down here today you know i come from york you can tell that car
07:20there with my college accent you know hey i'm coming down here it's true true i'm coming down
07:25out of that road and i've seen this bloke stood outside at road so being a christian i pulls up
07:29what can i do i freak me center dearth
07:33there's a bloke stood there three eyes no arms one leg
07:37i said aye aye aye you look harmless hop in
07:46oh
07:47oh i'm good
07:55i'm not kidding
07:56no do you know i went to birming you know where birmingham is i went over there nice country and
08:03and i were doing this club a beautiful club yeah we're going to bomb i told i told them before
08:08i went i was good you know i said i'm good
08:12and i was going right well you know i tell them i said i'm your next king so be good
08:16you know
08:20oh do you know and i went to triad i did and i went across to this post restaurant you
08:25know and i
08:26walked in because i was feeling you know i walked in like a 30 box salad you know
08:40it's a nice woman oh you deserve to stop in this country
08:50yes you're all right and i went in this restaurant you know and i got set down there and i'll
08:54set it
08:55front at silver and this bit of crackly uh this waitress sorry he and she were oh she walked up
09:02and she was one of them you know she knew how to walk
09:07yeah oh she said excuse me young man but we don't serve darkies
09:15i said that's all right i don't hate them
09:26hey hold on hold on
09:32do you know this is true this is true i was talking to our saviour enoch powell you know
09:42hey no i won't because see i'm a yorkshire lad you know and i told him about job i said
09:46i told him
09:46straight i says knocker come here come
09:48i did i said this to many you know i knew i knew
09:54because i worry at first they're spoiling it for me
10:03but my dad my dad don't talk to him you know my dad no my dad don't like him you
10:08know well they
10:09had a few words once you know him and knocker and my dad said to him like you know he
10:13got to be
10:13aerated did my dad he said sit there come here he said mr powell i don't wish to insult you
10:20but kindly
10:21know the piece of middletoe hanging from the tail of my coat
10:34oh
10:47this fella's got this little parrot you see and he's he's teaching you how to speak and all it'll
10:51say is well he he goes out to work eight o'clock one morning and uh and at half past
11:00nine there's
11:01a knock on the door and the the parrot said oh is it see and he said he said it's
11:09the plumber
11:09i've come to when your pipes would let me in please and then the parrot said oh is it
11:16he said uh he said uh it's the plumber i've come to when your pipes would let me in please
11:20and and then the parrot said
11:23oh is it
11:31he's he said uh it's the plumber i've come to when your pipes
11:39and then the then the parrot said
11:45oh
11:46i forgot the end
12:00oh
12:00oh i was doing right well as well
12:07uh i know all the characters like
12:12the do you want to dance you can dance
12:18and all of the characters there there's only the two of them there's uh there's the parrot who's in
12:24the case and uh and i know what he said he he said um oh is it see and then
12:32this chap's outside and
12:34he uh he said uh what do you mean oh no that was me earlier he said uh he said
12:42it's a plumber i've come to
12:43with your pipes let me in please
12:46the the the parrot said uh
12:49we did
12:55two colored chaps
13:00two colored chaps in the middle of birmingham alabama
13:05and one said rastus
13:08oh that sounds like the parrot
13:16it must be a blackbird
13:22one said rastus what would you do if you got a letter from the clue clucks clan telling you to
13:28leave town he said i'd read it on the train
13:35i i haven't forgotten
13:38i only kid actually i don't think many people know this but apart from being a very marvelous
13:42night we've all enjoyed ourselves tonight is rather special occasion because tonight is the grand
13:46opening of raphael's wallet
13:54so i wouldn't forget a guy and the thing is i know where i've gone wrong as well
13:59the the the the parrot's in the cage and he he did say right enough he said
14:05oh
14:05see and then this chap's outside and he didn't say it's the plumber i've come to when you
14:16bias let me in please angrily
14:22he went over about four and a half hours and he's screaming and shouting his head off
14:26and in the end the blood pressure got the veteran
14:30and he collapsed in a heap on the stairs and at five o'clock the man came home from work
14:34well
14:34he fell right over this body and he looked down he said
14:42and the parrot said it's the plumber he's put you in the
14:44all right
14:55so
22:20Okay.
22:25She says,
22:26Can I have your autograph,
22:31I'll be right back.
22:57Oh, God, I said,
23:28I said,
23:31There's a woman, I said,
23:32And the poodle.
23:33And the poodle's jumping up,
23:34I said,
23:35I said, I said,
23:39Can I throw your dog, I said,
23:40She said, yes.
23:41So we threw the dog 100 yards up the road.
23:55The comedians tonight were
23:57Dougie Brown, Frank Carson, Mike Coyne,
24:01Ken Goodwin, Bernard Manning,
24:04Paul Melba, George Roper and Charlie Williams.
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