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00:06Ladies and gentlemen, it's The Comedians!
00:38A Irishman walking down the road with a big sack on his back.
00:42I met his pal. He says, how are you going on, Paddy? He said, I'm not too bad. How are
00:45you? He said, I'm OK.
00:47He said, what have you got in the sack? He says, pigs. He says, I like a bit of pork
00:52myself.
00:53In fact, I guess how many pigs is in that sack. Will you give me one?
00:56He said, if you guess how many pigs is in this sack, you can have both of them.
01:07I like skinny stories because my little boy, he's only five years old, but he's all aggravation.
01:12All of these days, kids, all aggravation. Now, he's in a school. He's in a very cosmopolitan class.
01:17He's got Greek boys, coloured boys, all sorts of kids there, you know what I mean?
01:19And he's sitting in, and the teacher went up to him. She went, Mark, because that's his name.
01:23She said, Mark, she said, if you had eight sweets, and I took two away, what would I have?
01:28I set a broken arm.
01:35She said, now, Mark, that is enough of that. That is enough of that.
01:40She said, now, where is Africa?
01:42Well, it can't be far, because he goes home to dinner, doesn't he?
01:45You know what I mean?
01:50Got too much of that, you.
01:59Oh, this is from an old lady of 72. I thought this was very good.
02:02Two blokes fishing, and one fellow leans over the side of the boat, and his teeth fell in the water.
02:07He said, I'm not my teeth, man.
02:10So the other fellow thought, I'll have a giggle, so he took his own teeth out, hooked them onto the
02:13line, you see, and threw them in there.
02:14Fished them out again.
02:15He said, yeah, I found your teeth.
02:17He said, they're not mine.
02:20They're not mine.
02:26I don't know what I'm standing here laughing for.
02:28I've got aggravation with my mother-in-law.
02:29Now, my mother-in-law, my mother-in-law is a big woman.
02:32When I say a big woman, I mean a big woman.
02:34Look, she was born on July the 21st, 22nd, 23rd.
02:41Listen, I'll give you some idea how big my mother-in-law is.
02:43She got a good job down at Heathrow Airport.
02:45She kick-starts the jumbo jets.
02:50That's big, isn't it?
02:51Yeah, how about this?
02:52A fellow walked into a pet shop, see?
02:54He walked in just like this.
02:57Walked out the fellow behind the counter then.
02:59Hello.
03:00She said, morning, sir, can I help you?
03:02She said, all right.
03:04Like, two and a half pound of dog food, please?
03:06He said, certainly, sir.
03:09He said, that's a nice blackbird you've got there, mate, hasn't it?
03:12Pet your eye.
03:12I said, that's a parrot, sir.
03:15No, he said, that's a blackbird, mate.
03:20He said, look, sir, that's a parrot.
03:25He said, don't start having a go at me, mate.
03:31I've read me natural issue books.
03:33That is a blackbird.
03:35He said, hold up.
03:38I've been in this shop 25 years.
03:42I've been in a pet game 25 years.
03:45That is a parrot.
03:48Let's ask it.
03:49He said, all right.
03:51Keep a shout.
03:56He walked over.
03:57He said, you a parrot?
03:58And the parrot went, yes, and I'm very happy to be in your country.
04:09Irish fella goes to a plastic surgeon.
04:11He says, are you the famous Harley Street plastic surgeon?
04:14The surgeon says, I am, Dad.
04:15I am, yes.
04:17I am.
04:20He said, is there any chance of putting my hands on our polythene bucket?
04:30Talking about it, a fellow walked into one of these army offices to join the army.
04:34So he walked up the fellow behind the desk.
04:36He went, hello.
04:41Hmm.
04:44Excuse me.
04:46You were the pips.
04:51He said, I want to join the army.
04:56Captain said, do you think I could kill a man?
04:57Oh, he said, eventually, yes.
05:03I like them sort of stories.
05:08Two brothers joined the army.
05:10One of them said, what's your name?
05:11Murphy.
05:11It's a strip off.
05:13He said, your feet are black.
05:16He said, the filthy.
05:17Pass.
05:20Second one comes in.
05:21He said, Murphy.
05:22He said, no, you his brother.
05:23He said, yes.
05:23He said, strip off.
05:25He said, he's got dirty feet, your brother.
05:27My God, he says.
05:28You are a filthy.
05:29You are absolutely black.
05:31He said, I'm at least two years old than me.
05:40The fellow went to confession in this Catholic church.
05:42He's confessing this about knocking him out with this woman, drinking, life of sin.
05:49And he moved the curtain.
05:50There's no priest there, just a decorator, decorating the box out of the back.
05:56He said, where's Father Mason?
05:57He said, it's not Father Mason you want, pal.
05:59It's Perry Mason.
06:03No, I was on a one-way street.
06:05I was on this one-way street, and I saw this policeman looking at me, and I knew I was
06:09on
06:10a one-way street, and I just pulled up alongside him, and I just looked out the window and at
06:13him, and I went, ha-ha.
06:17And I just let the window down like that, you know.
06:19And I just looked at him, and I went, ha-ha.
06:23He said, you can't park here.
06:27I said, why?
06:28He said, you're on me foot.
06:36He said, you're on a one-way street as well.
06:38I said, I'm only going one way.
06:44I decided to go on the bus the other night with all these blackouts, and I thought, you're
06:48safer on the bus, you know, because you don't have to worry where you're going.
06:51And so I thought, well, that's what I'll do.
06:56And I went to the bus stop, and I stood there, and I thought, this is the best place to
06:59get
06:59one, and I was waiting, I was waiting for, you know, it's every five minutes, isn't it?
07:07And after an hour and a half, I got one, and I don't know, and I just got all of
07:12the handlebar
07:12like that, and I just put me foot up, and I just, sorry, and I just went to get on,
07:19and
07:20he put his hand on my chest, this condo, I said, you cheeky thing.
07:25And he said, get off, and I won't even know.
07:31He said, we're full up.
07:36I said, well, how long will the next one be?
07:38He said, as long as this one.
07:43I thought, all right then, all right.
07:46I'll get me home back, you know.
07:47I didn't let him upset me, I just...
07:51I just stepped back, and I didn't threaten him or anything, I just, I just, I just went
07:56like that, I went.
08:00And as the bus was pulling away, I went, like that.
08:05I thought, I bet that scared him.
08:11And I thought, I'll get me home back for that.
08:13So, I waited, I waited me time, while the next bus come, and I got on it, and I never
08:19said a word to anyone, and I just went upstairs, and I sat down like that, and I never, I
08:24never
08:24said a word, and I just waited for the conductor, and he came up, and he said, where did he
08:29get
08:29on?
08:30I said, downstairs.
08:36I bet he felt dead, Dan.
08:41But they've always got an answer for you, haven't they?
08:44I said, do you stop at the Imperial?
08:46He said, what, oh, my money?
08:51Oh, dear.
08:52I was in the pub last week in, in Pill.
08:54That's just outside Bristol, it's not, it's not a tonic.
08:57And, uh, fella came up to me in the pub today, mister, give us a penny for a pint.
09:00I said, yes, Tottenham's will get me one.
09:01I didn't know the beer.
09:05Actually, a fella came in, a little shiny fella came in, swinging his handbag, and he
09:09walked up to the, to the counter, and he said to the barman, he said, um, give us a Pimms
09:15number three.
09:29Please.
09:34So the barman gave him a Pimms number three, and he sat down, minded his own, and this big
09:38chap came in, about nine foot thirteen.
09:41And he walked up to the counter, put fourpence on the counter, and he said to the barman,
09:45he said, give us a pint!
09:46Or else!
09:48So the barman gave him a pint, and the little pansy fella saw him, he thought, oh, I'll
09:53try that myself.
09:59So he walked up to the bar, put fourpence on the counter, and he said, barman, give us
10:06a pint.
10:08Or else.
10:13Barman said, or else what?
10:14He said, or else a fourpence, pack it, Chris.
10:26There was a fellow in the corner with his head on the side.
10:29I said, what's the matter with you?
10:30He said, I'll go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go,
10:36go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go,
10:40go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go,
10:42go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go,
10:46go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go,
10:46go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go,
10:56up your head, I'll buy you a double whiskey. He said, where? I said, yes. He said, there
10:59you go. I said, I'm positive. He said, I'll have a go. I said, go on then. He said, all
11:03right. All right. So I got him the double whiskey and the fellow went, he said, I've
11:10done it. It's the first time in 15 years. I said, that's marvellous. There's your double
11:13whiskey. He said, thanks. Cheers.
13:18A farmer going to the bank 85 years ago, him and his daughter, the horse and trap the lot.
13:23They got overtook with thieves and the thieves stripped them in the middle of this country road there,
13:27left them destitute, took the horse and trap the lot.
13:30He said, we haven't got a carrot now, he says, took the lot.
13:32She said, we didn't get a little bag of sovereigns, Dad.
13:34He said, where'd you put that? She said, in my mouth.
13:37He said, we should have fetched your mother who would have saved the horse and trap.
13:46That's daft, isn't it?
13:49Get all these daft jokes going.
13:50I like the one about the vicar who ran out of petrol on a country lane
13:53and he's got nothing to carry the petrol in,
13:56except that little kiddy's potty on the back seat of the car has been taking his kids out to the
14:01seaside.
14:01So he gets the kiddy's potty, walks up the road to the garage, fills it with petrol,
14:05comes back, he's just tipping it in the petrol tank of the car.
14:11The fella come round the corner, he says, you've got more faith than I have, Vicar.
14:23Colin Cromson spends his time in Morecambe, you know in Morecambe,
14:25he went for his job in Morecambe.
14:27And the fella said, the only thing is, there's a litter collecting.
14:29He said, I'll take it.
14:30He said, have you had any experience?
14:31He said, no, I'll pick it up as I go along.
14:39The fella near us won a bit of money on the pools
14:41and he decided to go on a tour on one of these world cruises
14:44and he's on his own, only ordinary working lad,
14:47but he's living it up first class, dead posh on the boat
14:49and he's sat down at breakfast the first day
14:51and a French fella comes and sits at the same table
14:54and he says, bon appétit.
14:56And the little Lancashire lad stands up and he says,
14:59Charlie Higginson.
15:05As he's breakfast the following morning,
15:07there again, the French fella, bon appétit.
15:11Charlie Higginson.
15:13He goes on about four mornings, listen,
15:15the Lancashire lad's having a drink in the bar at dinner time
15:17and he meets another English fella, he says,
15:19funny fella sat opposite to me at my table,
15:21his name's bon appétit.
15:24He says, you're right, he says, you daft duck.
15:26Not bon appétit.
15:27He says, that's French, it means good appetite.
15:29I hope you enjoy your meal.
15:30He says, oh blimey, I'll get it right tomorrow.
15:33The following morning, the Frenchman comes down,
15:35the little Lancashire lad stands up,
15:37he says, bon appétit.
15:38And the French fella says, Charlie Higginson.
15:46A woman talking to her mate said, I'm fed up, I want to commit suicide, Mary.
15:50She said, what's the best way to do it?
15:52She said, shoot yourself two inches below the left bust.
15:57She shot her kneecap right off.
16:07I went to the hotel last night, you know, in Manchester here,
16:10I went to the hotel, and I was, well, actually it was in Midland,
16:13and I was walking through the foyer,
16:15and there was this fella behind the counter,
16:16he said, excuse me, sir, he said, have you got a reservation?
16:19I said, what, I don't like a bloody red Indian.
16:29In actual fact, there was a red Indian, you know,
16:31and he came to work here in Manchester, on permit.
16:36And they put him working with some Pakistanis,
16:40digging a trench.
16:42And one of the Pakistanis looked at him, he said,
16:45he says, where are you from?
16:47He said, I'm an Indian.
16:51He said, you don't look like an Indian.
16:52He said, not one of them Indians, a red Indian.
16:54Oh, he said, not many of you fellas about, is there?
16:58Anyway, the next day, they put him with some Irishmen.
17:01And one of the Irishmen says, he said, where are you from?
17:03He said, I'm an Indian, a red Indian.
17:07He said, not many fellas are you about, is there?
17:09The next day, they put him working with a nigger.
17:16And the Sambo looked at him, he said,
17:20he said, where are you from?
17:22He says, I'm an Indian.
17:24He said, there's not many of you fellas about, is there?
17:27He said, listen, he said,
17:28what many of you fellas about?
17:29Neither of any cowboys in Africa.
17:38Little Yiddish, a fella got knocked down.
17:41Little Yiddish, a fella got knocked down there, you see.
17:44And the nurse is looking after him.
17:46He said, she put this cushion under his head.
17:48She says, Mr Cohen, are you comfortable?
17:50She said, I've got four shops.
17:59A fella picked the phone up, says, hello, is that the asylum?
18:02I voiced at the other end, said, no, it can't be,
18:04we're not on the phone.
18:10A fella went to a psychiatrist, said, I think I'm a bell.
18:13He said, well, I'll take these two tablets.
18:14If you know better, give us a ring.
18:20A fella went to another psychiatrist,
18:22a Jewish psychiatrist.
18:24He says, are you Professor Goldberg,
18:25the famous Jewish psychiatrist?
18:26He says, yes.
18:28He says, right, you charge 100 guineas for three questions.
18:31He says, yes.
18:31What's the other question?
18:40Lady walked in, said, doctor, every time I sneeze,
18:42I get passionate.
18:43What should I take?
18:44He said, snuff.
18:47But anyway, do you know,
18:48I live next to a bloke and he's a nice fella.
18:50You know, he's coloured.
18:56And he's got a parrot.
18:57And it's a good talk, you know.
18:58And one day he went out and he said to the parrot,
19:00he says, coil man will be coming out through,
19:02so watch things.
19:03Oh, he said, fair enough, old love.
19:07And the coil man comes, so he said, call.
19:09He said, the money's on the wardrobe, like,
19:11I don't know, it's here on the side.
19:13Oh, he said, right.
19:14And he took coil in and then he said, right, I'll, I'll.
19:18He said, very good, that's a good talker, old love,
19:20isn't that?
19:20For a parrot?
19:21He said, yes, I'm a good count as well.
19:23Put another bag in.
19:32Poor Charlie, after this is your life,
19:35he's got an eye, put it in, Charlie.
19:37He met a Pakistani going through Bradford the other week
19:40with a duck on a string.
19:43Charlie said, hold on, hold on, cousin.
19:47He said, where'd you get the monkey?
19:50The Pakistani said, it's not a monkey, it's a duck.
19:54Charlie said I was talking to the duck.
20:03There was this skinhead, had a few bub,
20:06walked into one of these very, very exclusive car showrooms.
20:11He sees the salesman and they're calling him,
20:13oi, mush, here.
20:16I said, I want a fast motor, mate, don't I?
20:21He said, certainly, sir, what would you like,
20:22something like an MGB GT?
20:24Oh, he said, I'll fast that guy with power.
20:27Well, he said, approximately about 125 miles an hour, sir.
20:30I said, look, no, look, mate,
20:32I'll come in here, and all sincerely,
20:36and when I say a fast motor,
20:37I don't want to hear any of that.
20:41I mean a fast motor, don't I?
20:45Well, he said, certainly, sir,
20:46well, perhaps an E-type Jaguar is more in your line.
20:49It's silly, E-type Jaguar,
20:50yeah, sounds, you know, like, reasonable.
20:53How fast do they go?
20:54Well, he said, I imagine, sir,
20:55real conditions being correct,
20:57about 125 to 150 miles an hour.
21:01He said, look, pal,
21:05when I say a fast motor, think we,
21:11I mean a fast motor, think we.
21:16Oh, he said, I'm terribly sorry, sir.
21:18Oh, dear.
21:20Perhaps a Lamborghini is more in your line.
21:24He said, it wants to be, mate,
21:25because I'm telling you,
21:26the other two motors,
21:28I can run faster in both of them,
21:31he said, surely you're joking, sir.
21:33He said, well, I, well, I,
21:35well, I say I'm joking,
21:36I'm joking at the moment,
21:38I'm serious.
21:39I can run faster,
21:40but how fast does Lamborghini go?
21:43Well, he said, sir,
21:43about 185 miles an hour.
21:46He said, now, look, pal,
21:48I've warned you once,
21:50warned you twice.
21:51Don't let me lose my temper.
21:53I said, I can run faster than that.
21:55He said, very well, sir,
21:56if you can run faster than Lamborghini,
21:58I'll give you the car for nothing.
21:59He said, right,
22:00get it out.
22:02The salesman got the car out,
22:04fella's waiting behind.
22:06He said, where you go?
22:08Salesman shot off first gear,
22:0950 mile an hour,
22:10grinning all over his face
22:11till he checked his rear view mirror.
22:14Come on.
22:18Hold up.
22:19Dropped it in the second,
22:20third gear,
22:21he's doing 110 mile an hour,
22:22still grinning,
22:23checked his,
22:24yeah,
22:24my God.
22:27Oh, my God, no.
22:29Dropped it in the fourth,
22:30in the top,
22:30195 miles an hour.
22:32Wee, wow.
22:33Looked in his rear view mirror,
22:34come on,
22:35start moving it.
22:37As he looked in his mirror,
22:38he's negotiating an S-Bend.
22:39He's gone round this S-Bend,
22:41checked his rear view mirror,
22:41look, he's just missing.
22:42He thought, thank God,
22:43I've got my car.
22:44He stops the car,
22:45goes back to the S-Bend,
22:46he found this fella
22:47sprawled right across the S-Bend,
22:49covered in blood.
22:50Terrible state he was.
22:52And he got out all cocky.
22:54Said, who I say?
22:55Told you you couldn't be the Lamborghini.
22:57He said, be a Lamborghini.
22:59Be a Lamborghini.
23:02You're about to blow out
23:03of your blimp souls
23:03at 185 miles an hour.
23:20The comedians tonight were
23:22Bernard Manning.
23:24Bernard Manning.
23:25Mike Freed.
23:26George Roper.
23:28Ken Goodwin.
23:29Dave Butler.
23:31Colin Crumpton.
23:33Mike Burton.
23:35Sammy Thomas.
23:37And Charlie Williams.
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