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00:04Ladies and gentlemen, it's The Comedians!
00:37Just come back from Australia tour, I got into a plane in Australia, fella walked into
00:41the pilot, stuck a bloody big shotgun in his ear and said, take me to London.
00:44The pilot says, I'm going to London.
00:46He says, I know, but I've been hijacked twice and I'm taking no chances.
00:53I like them kinky ones, don't you?
00:55The tic-tac fella died and all the blokes are at the tic-tac's funeral.
01:00You know these tic-tac fellas who flagged the prices over to one another, you know, on
01:02the racecourses?
01:04There they were all round the poor fella's grave and they lowered him down.
01:07One says to you, Harry, what's his chances of getting to heaven?
01:09He says, six to four.
01:14The fella said, no, two to one.
01:16He said, no, six to four.
01:18All of a sudden the vicar came along and went, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum.
01:21He said to give them 33 to one here.
01:31The Irishman says to his mate, he says, I'm going for a job as a pay clerk.
01:34He says, you're too thick.
01:35You'll never get a job as a pay clerk.
01:36He says, there's 14 of us going in for the job.
01:38I have as much chance as anybody else.
01:41Comes back in the afternoon, he says, how do you go on?
01:43He said, I got the job.
01:44He says, you got the job as a pay clerk.
01:46He said, I did that.
01:46I answered the question.
01:48He said, what was the question?
01:49He said, they asked me what three sevens was.
01:50I said, eighty-nine.
01:52He said, three sevens to twenty-one.
01:53He said, I know that now, but I was the nearest.
02:02Anyway, you're laughing.
02:03I like to see coloured people happy.
02:05I think you're wonderful, I do.
02:08Well, it's true, isn't it?
02:09It's true.
02:11You've got blonde hair and blue eyes and red cheeks.
02:13And you say, we're coloured.
02:18And the English are having a lot of trouble over this colour problem.
02:21They found a Pakistani head in a suitcase in Birmingham.
02:24They say that's how they're smuggling them in.
02:27And assembling the parts in Wolverham.
02:32And the Americans got a scare on their new lunar space probe.
02:35They saw a yellow blob on the moon and they thought the Chinese had landed.
02:39Then they found out it was one of Wimpy's huts.
02:45That's a funny cracker, isn't it?
02:47That's the way I tell it.
02:52Could you laugh a wee bit quicker?
02:53Because I have to wait a minute.
02:57And the Pope has made a fortune out of his new book,
02:59The Pill's Grim Progress.
03:04That is very good.
03:06That is very good.
03:09They've just invented a new pill for Catholics.
03:11We have three and a half tonnes.
03:13You put it up against the door and your husband can't get in.
03:20Maggie Murphy went to the doctor.
03:21She said, I've forgotten to take my counter-addictive pills.
03:25She says, you're ignorant.
03:26She says, yeah, three months.
03:34It's marvellous working tonight because actually I don't do many shows.
03:37You know, I do a lot of auditions though.
03:43I've had a terrible long spell on the dole.
03:45I've been that one on the dole.
03:46They sent me a ticket for the staff dance.
03:50And they're going to show me working books on all our yesterdays.
03:53But...
03:57This friend of mine, he wrote away.
03:58He wanted to start a zoo.
04:00So he wrote away to Dudley Zoo.
04:03But he might have been in Regent's Park.
04:05I'll go and get the letter.
04:06Anyway, he wrote away.
04:09He said, dear sir, I'm starting a zoo.
04:11Would you please...
04:14I haven't heard some of these before.
04:15I don't know how you're going.
04:19He said, dear sir, I'm starting a zoo.
04:21I've enclosed a cheque.
04:22Would you please forward me two mongooses?
04:25And he thought, no, that's wrong.
04:26He said, dear sir, I'm starting a zoo.
04:29I've enclosed a cheque.
04:30Would you please forward me two mongooses?
04:33He said, no, that's wrong.
04:35Dear sir, I'm starting a zoo.
04:37Would you please send me two mongi?
04:41He said, no.
04:43Hang on, I've got it.
04:43He said, dear sir, I'm starting a zoo.
04:45Would you please send me a mongoose?
04:47P.S.
04:47Send me another one.
04:54Manchester.
04:54Are you all from Manchester?
04:56No.
04:57Oldham?
04:58Yes.
04:59How about the Yorkshire people?
05:00No.
05:00No Yorkshire people?
05:02Yes.
05:02Where's your turban then?
05:07Oh, wait till we take over.
05:13No, it's only a matter of time.
05:14We've got the Labour exchanges already.
05:17Oh, aye.
05:19We're going to start with Oldham.
05:21We're going to call it Oldham Turban District Council.
05:26Oh, yes, we're valid.
05:31And the Isle of Wight's going when we take over.
05:37Yes, the Isle of Wight's going.
05:40No more passing motions on white paper.
05:41That's finished.
05:45And we're going to make Blackpool the capital.
05:49Shut up now, shut up, shut up.
05:52Shut up now, shut up.
05:54Because if you don't shut up, I'll come and live next door to you.
05:59I'll bring your rent down.
06:04Oh, it's all right laughing.
06:05All right laughing.
06:07I've got a coloured fella living next door to me.
06:09I know what it's like.
06:13They're all over the place, aren't they?
06:16I saw a Japanese Geordie last week.
06:18You know, I saw a Japanese Geordie.
06:21I did, a Japanese Geordie.
06:23He kept saying, how are you hammer-hole, ain't he?
06:28They're all over the place.
06:32A week before I saw a Pakistani milkman.
06:36I opened the door.
06:37There's this Pakistani with a turbine on.
06:41Co-op all over his turbine.
06:45I said, where are you from?
06:46He said, Pakistan.
06:46I said, you've got a big milk round, don't you?
06:57Bernard Delfont passing this building site.
06:59A fella does three double somersaults.
07:00A jackknife, backflip, lands on his feet.
07:02He said, I'll boot you for the London Palladium.
07:04The foreman said, you'll have to take Big Paddy with him.
07:06He says, why?
07:06He said, because he's the one that just hit him on the hands
07:08with a sledgehammer.
07:16Jamie Goldberg was on the beaches of Bournemouth with his little son Morris.
07:19Morris says, Papa, can I have ice cream?
07:22He says, can you have ice cream?
07:24My wonderful son, who I love and cherish.
07:27Here's a pound note.
07:28Get yourself the biggest ice cream you've ever seen in your life.
07:32Twenty minutes later, he comes back.
07:33He says, Papa, the man up to the chef said they don't serve Jews with ice cream.
07:37He says, what?
07:39They don't serve Jews with ice cream?
07:42Come with me.
07:44Goes in the shop with a fella there in a dirty overall.
07:46He says, what's this you?
07:47I'll stick it on your chin, you don't serve Jews with ice cream.
07:50He said, my gaffer says I don't serve him, I don't serve him.
07:53He says, who's your gaffer?
07:54He says, through there in the office.
07:56Goes in the office, a little Jewish fella there.
07:58He says, I'm looking on, little beard, eyes watering.
08:02Making the books out.
08:04He says, what's this you?
08:05It's you, you don't serve Jews with ice cream.
08:07I'll stick it on your chin.
08:08He says, what you're shouting about?
08:09Have you tasted the ice cream?
08:20A fella backs a horse called Yella Yella.
08:22Wins a quarter of a million pounds.
08:24Has all his house painted Yella,
08:25Yella carpets, Yella furnishings.
08:27Everything Yella.
08:29He got Yella jaw on us and he died and they can't find him.
08:39A fella walked in a boot and shoe repair.
08:40He says, I've come for me boots.
08:41He says, when do you leave them?
08:42He says, 1933, Wednesday afternoon, September the 15th.
08:49He says, you what?
08:52He says, September 1933, the 15th.
08:54Wednesday afternoon.
08:56He says, this shop's changed hands 15 times since then.
09:01He says, well, I'll have to have them.
09:02I'm starting work in the morning.
09:07He says, have you got the ticket?
09:08He said, aye.
09:09Gives him a nice clean ticket.
09:10He says, oh, it's ridiculous this, is it?
09:12Goes down the cellar, comes back full of the,
09:14black as the ace of spades.
09:16He said, I've got them.
09:18Ready Thursday.
09:28Magician work in the big liners.
09:29Doing all his tricks and a parrot on the side there keeps saying, it's up his sleeve.
09:32It's down his jumper.
09:33It's up his trousers leg.
09:34Queers the act.
09:37And the ship's boilers blew.
09:40And him and the parrot's on this plank for four days.
09:42And the parrot's looking at him like that.
09:45After four days the parrot said, okay, I'll give up.
09:48What have you done with the ship?
09:59A fellow walks in a hairdresser's.
10:00Give us a Tony Curtis.
10:01Cut all his hair off, just like an egg.
10:04He says, you, Burke.
10:07Do you know who Tony Curtis is?
10:09He said, well, I should do.
10:09I saw the king an I-14 times.
10:17The penguins lap.
10:26The penguins.
10:31The penguins.
10:33The penguins.
12:17Thank you very much.
12:21Settle down though.
12:24I don't want you to make a noise because I've got an headache.
12:31Just putting some toilet water on me and the seat fell down.
12:34LAUGHTER
12:43That is good, that, isn't it?
12:46LAUGHTER
12:50I made that one up.
12:52LAUGHTER
13:03I said to this fellow who has your dog wearing brown boots, I said its black ones are being mended.
13:08LAUGHTER
13:19You're all laughing, aren't you?
13:21LAUGHTER
13:24We're having a good time, aren't we?
13:28LAUGHTER
13:36I saw this fellow pulling a piece of string.
13:38I'll talk to anybody, me.
13:41LAUGHTER
13:45I said, what are you pulling that for?
13:47He said, you want to try pushing here?
13:50LAUGHTER
13:53LAUGHTER
13:53Do you get it, eh?
13:55LAUGHTER
14:00We'll all have belly aching a bit, won't we?
14:04LAUGHTER
14:14We had a dog on the end.
14:18I said, where are you checking the dog?
14:20He said, I'm going to have it put down.
14:21I said, is it mad?
14:22He said, well, it's not very clean.
14:26LAUGHTER
14:36And this fellow came up, he said, that dog bit my mother-in-law.
14:40He said, well, don't come to me for damages.
14:42He said, I want to buy it off you.
14:44LAUGHTER
14:54He don't like his mother-in-law.
14:56LAUGHTER
14:58He gets up an hour earlier to wait her a bit longer.
15:02LAUGHTER
15:05LAUGHTER
15:06LAUGHTER
15:07LAUGHTER
15:09She don't like me.
15:11LAUGHTER
15:12She says she's going to dance on my grave, but...
15:15I don't care, cos I'm getting buried at sea.
15:18LAUGHTER
15:24But I went away on a holiday.
15:25We're standing at Manchester Piccadilly Station,
15:27waiting to get on the train.
15:28And mother-in-law's there, you're not very bright.
15:30Electrified system.
15:31And she says to the guy, well, I'll get a shock if I put my foot on that rail down
15:33there.
15:34LAUGHTER
15:35He said, no, madam, only if you cock your other leg over that cable up there.
15:38LAUGHTER
15:41LAUGHTER
15:45So she did, and we all got one.
15:46There you are.
15:48LAUGHTER
15:52So off we go, and the train stops, miles from anywhere in Hertfordshire.
15:55She said, what have we stopped for?
15:57LAUGHTER
15:57And the guard said, we've just hit a cow.
16:00She said, was it on the line?
16:02I said, no, we went across the field after it.
16:09Anyway, so, we're on holiday, we're going across to Spain with mother-in-law.
16:13You know, we get halfway there, she's like, I want to go home.
16:15I said, shut up, keep swimming.
16:16And there we are going.
16:18LAUGHTER
16:19She's sitting on the beach in a deck chair in a bikini.
16:21You can imagine, my wife's mother, god, she's enormous.
16:24You know, 79, 53, 84.
16:2784!
16:27We don't know what she's got down there yet, but it's a bloody big one.
16:30LAUGHTER
16:31I think she's inside out.
16:33Anyway...
16:35The deck chair man comes up, he says, senora, you will have to leave the beach.
16:38The tide is waiting to come in.
16:40LAUGHTER
16:46So...
16:47So we lifted her, me and the boys, and, er...
16:51She was trying to get up, and she leaned over,
16:52and they had this eclipse in Gibraltar.
16:55LAUGHTER
16:58No, I'm only kidding. Morocco.
17:00Anyway...
17:01LAUGHTER
17:01She was always complaining.
17:02My wife came and she said,
17:03Ray, mother's complaining.
17:04I said, what is it this time?
17:05She's always complaining.
17:06She said, these Spanish lads keep pinching her bottom.
17:08I said, but they do that to all the women.
17:10She said, not replies, they don't.
17:12LAUGHTER
17:16They're a funny lot.
17:17And I couldn't come dashing on tonight,
17:19because I went to a party last night and had too much ale.
17:21It was a special occasion.
17:22It was my grandad's 103rd birthday party.
17:25He wasn't there, he died when he was 29.
17:29LAUGHTER
17:33Thought a lot of him.
17:36LAUGHTER
17:38I always feel sorry for people who don't drink me.
17:41If you know anybody who doesn't drink, feel sorry for them,
17:43because when they wake up in the morning,
17:45that's the best they're going to feel all day.
17:52Those boosers improve as the day goes on.
17:56Looking forward to summer, getting away from it all for a while.
17:59I was in Morecambe a couple of years ago.
18:0114 weeks in Morecambe.
18:03Somebody has to go there.
18:06LAUGHTER
18:09I lost the raffle.
18:12They put all the artists' names in a hat,
18:14and Mr Delfont pulls them out,
18:15and the ones who lose have to go to Morecambe.
18:18LAUGHTER
18:19It's a sort of cemetery with lights, isn't it?
18:23LAUGHTER
18:23Mad gay city.
18:26Stockport with C.
18:28LAUGHTER
18:29If they want any excitement in Morecambe,
18:31they all go in the grocers and watch the bacon slicer.
18:35LAUGHTER
18:37Lovely girl, she is.
18:39LAUGHTER
18:43Wednesday's the big day.
18:44They all turn out and watch the traffic lights change.
18:47LAUGHTER
18:47Half past ten it is if you don't want to miss it.
18:51LAUGHTER
18:51Doesn't last long.
18:54LAUGHTER
18:54What a place.
18:55They don't bury the dead.
18:55They stand them up in bus shelters.
18:59LAUGHTER
19:01With a bingo ticket in their hand.
19:04LAUGHTER
19:04Credit where it's due though,
19:05they've got a nice open air swimming pool there.
19:07I saw something there I'd never seen before in my life.
19:09A girl got out of the swimming pool
19:11and gave the attendant a penny.
19:13I thought very honest.
19:18LAUGHTER
19:22You think she'd have left it there?
19:26LAUGHTER
19:28They've got a posh restaurant, the Tropicani or something.
19:31It's very expensive.
19:33There were three fellas in one night.
19:34An Englishman, a Scotsman and a Jew.
19:36Because there always is in jokes, isn't there?
19:39LAUGHTER
19:39The Irishman was ill.
19:43LAUGHTER
19:44LAUGHTER
19:45They had a nine course meal and the bill was 42 quid.
19:49Scotsman said, I'll pay that!
19:51You may have seen the headlines in the paper.
19:54It's a Jewish ventriloquist found dead in Ali.
20:03Where are you from, love?
20:05You look nice, don't you?
20:06It's a nice dress.
20:07Been watching Family War?
20:10LAUGHTER
20:10Do you know what? No, it's all coming back.
20:13LAUGHTER
20:14I'll be fair, it's all coming back.
20:16My wife's got a pair of hot pants.
20:18LAUGHTER
20:20She wanted a pair of wet-look boots last week,
20:21so I threw a bucket of water over her welly.
20:23LAUGHTER
20:29She met her friend the other day at the pram.
20:31She said, oh, lovely baby. Small, isn't it?
20:34She said, well, we've only been married two weeks.
20:37LAUGHTER
20:38I...
20:39You wouldn't believe it, would you?
20:41You wouldn't believe it, would you?
20:42Would you?
20:44LAUGHTER
20:45Do you know, one of the Irish aeroplane services have gone jet.
20:48So if you want to go to Dublin, you can go in half the time.
20:52It's true.
20:53I took off from Ringwed the other day,
20:54flying at an altitude of 13,000 feet.
20:58LAUGHTER
20:59Between about 500 miles an hour, all over the...
21:00The engine stops.
21:02And I took a dive to it.
21:05LAUGHTER
21:05And they're panicking, all the passengers are panicking.
21:07The captain come out the cabin,
21:09an ex-wimpy crane driver in his wellies.
21:12LAUGHTER
21:13LAUGHTER
21:14LAUGHTER
21:17Don't panic, he said.
21:18Don't panic, I'm going for help.
21:25Tick, you know, they're not that, have they?
21:27Hey.
21:29LAUGHTER
21:30Get some daft jokes, don't you?
21:32Hey.
21:33Don't you?
21:34Well, when I was in the army, you know,
21:36we used to have a sergeant, a big Irish fella like me mum.
21:38Big fella.
21:40LAUGHTER
21:41He used to have to try and teach us how to stand gal with a rifle,
21:44and he stuttered very badly.
21:46LAUGHTER
21:46He said,
21:47You stand...
21:48You stand...
21:49You stand...
21:51You stand...
21:51With a rife.
21:53A rife.
21:56LAUGHTER
21:56A gun.
22:03If anybody...
22:04A rife.
22:14Who goes there?!
22:16Who goes...
22:17Who goes there?
22:19A...
22:21A.
22:22F...
22:22A mülch
22:24...
22:25A mülch
22:31.. for...
22:32.. for...
22:33.. for...
22:34.. for...
22:35.. for...
22:36.. for a friend,
22:46she said let him...
22:47.. let him...
22:48.. .. let him...
22:49.. let him...
22:52.. let him pass!
22:56Om it if you shout...
22:58And for fair foe, he said, well, for God's sake, shoot them.
23:12I'll take your time, because it might be me.
23:28I saw the funeral the other day.
23:29Have you ever seen so many funerals?
23:30Nobody takes their hats off nowadays when the funeral passes, do they?
23:33They used to all take the city to the Irish navvies when the poor fella's going past.
23:37Coffin with a golfer.
23:38Gang a big pile of golf balls with a golfing bag on top of the coffin.
23:44Two Irish navvies took the caps off there and stood there in the wellies in the mud.
23:50They said, God, he must have been a keen golfer.
23:54He said, it's not him that's dead, it's his wife.
23:56He's got a game after the funeral.
24:13The comedian's delights were Frank Carson, Dougie Brown, Joss White, Bernard Manning,
24:21Ken Goodwin, Ray Fell, Colin Trompton, and George Roper.
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