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00:04Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Comedians!
00:37Enoch Powell died, knocked on the gates of heaven, and the voice said, who that?
00:41Oh, he said, forget it.
00:48What about the black fella got a job in the Ronson factory, and he's walking out the main
00:53gate and the security man said, just a minute lad, have you any lighter parts on you?
00:58He said, new men, I'm the same colour the whole way over.
01:07I heard a click when I came on the stage, you know, I bet it's Enoch Powell switching off.
01:17An American tourist on the bus, passing Manchester Town Hall, he said, say buddy, little lanky
01:23land at the side. What's that there? He said, that. That's our town hall, he said. It's
01:29our clock. He said, we've got prefabs bigger than that in America. He said, oh aye. Just
01:35then, a fire engine went past, 90 mile an hour, turntable ladders, all bells ringing.
01:41He said, what was that buddy? He said, a window cleaner, late for work.
01:56There's a beautiful little village in Ireland called Cyan Mills, and there's a plaque outside
02:01the house, and it said, erected to the memory of Willie Flanagan, the bravest man in Cyan
02:07Mills. It happened when they opened a new hall, and it went on fire, and Willie was sitting
02:12in the front row, and instead of rushing to save himself, he doused up to the bandstand,
02:17picked up a violin, and started to play. He was a gifted virtuoso. So much so that the
02:26audience drifted back to their seats, and he played, enchanting, beautiful violin music,
02:32and Willie, by his prompt action, was responsible for over 1,600 people being burned to death.
02:40Now, the world's going mad today, though, isn't it? I blame the women. I mean, obviously,
02:49you know, there's a lot of fellas in the audience this evening with their wives or intended, but
02:52I mean, you know what it's like when you're going out on your own, or with the lads, and
02:55she starts. Oh, yes, you go. Hmm. Don't take me, no. I'm just a drudge. You never take me anyway.
03:07I gave her a shake at half past six one morning. I said, hey, you're coming to work.
03:18She's horrible. She takes after her father. Her father is a horrible man. He's in bad company
03:23when he's on his own. And mean? You've never met a meaner man in your life. You should have seen
03:29our wedding. We got 14 electric toasters for wedding presents. Her father gave us a sliced loaf.
03:36I'll tell you how mean he is. He used to be a mountain climber. He was trapped once,
03:39climbing the Matterhorn, frozen stiff to a ledge for two days and nights, hanging by his fingertips
03:43for grim death. And they got a rescue helicopter 100 foot below, and a fella got out and shouted
03:47up, hey, our Scouse Red Cross. He said, clear off. I gave you tuppens last year.
03:58The policeman walking through the car park, and he comes up to this little mini, and he
04:02says to the girl, what are you doing in there? She says, we're doing the slow foxtrap.
04:08He came up to the next car. He said, what are you two doing in there? She says, we're doing
04:11the cha-cha-cha. And he came up to a big Rolls Royce, and one of these dolly birds put
04:16her head
04:16in a blonde. He said, I suppose you're doing the boss of Nova. She said, no, sir, I'm doing
04:21the boss a favour.
04:30No, but obviously, you know, people sort of here, anyway, can recognise, you know, a Liverpool
04:34person by his accent. But, I mean, there are various ways of recognising Liverpool men
04:38when they go away. I mean, I don't know if you haven't noticed, but when a Liverpool
04:41fella comes to sort of Manchester, Preston, Blackpool, Chester, when he's in that region,
04:45he's easy to spot, you see, because he's always between two bobbies. And he's like
04:52that, all right, all right. But when we leave Liverpool completely, I mean, if we go to
05:02London, I mean, like my grandad went to London, he went to watch Liverpool, you know, playing
05:05in the cup final. I remember, you know, they got on the train, went to the station, him
05:08and the lads, you know, 16 returns, Jimmy. The fella said, where to? He said, back here,
05:13you clown.
05:20The going along in the train, his mate said, find out where we are. So he opened the window
05:23and shouted, Porter, where are we? The porter said, leatherhead. He said, same to you, pig
05:27face, pig face. Irishman and the monkey went up to the moon in a spaceship. They both got
05:40separate instructions written on separate envelopes, and the spaceship stopped on the
05:43moon. And the monkey opened his envelope. He said, press button 708, then press button 406.
05:50Decompressurise space cabin and traverse moon surface, setting up laser beams in conjunction
05:55with the sun. Ensure retroactivity of spacecraft's rockets return to earth. And the Irishman
06:02opened his letter. He said, feed the monkey.
06:16That was a crack of that one.
06:24The phone rang in the middle of the night, and he lifted the phone. He said, I'm sorry,
06:28you've got the wrong number. It's the meteorological office you want. And she says, who was that?
06:33He said, some fellow wanting to know if the coast was clear.
06:40I love the old people, especially in Wales. They've got nothing else to do except stand
06:44at the corner of the street and gossip. One day, one old girl said, Mary, what do you think
06:49it is your hydrogen bomb, then? They tell me that when this aeroplane comes along and drops
06:54it on top of us, it'll blow us all into maternity. And she said, aye, and you don't know who
07:02done
07:02it either? They find anything to gossip about, you know, they talk about anything. One day,
07:16one old girl said, Mary, what do you think a young Bloodwyn Evans? She's getting married
07:20on Saturday and she's only 16. Never. Was she pregnant? No. She said, oh, there's posh
07:26for you. And the old people of Wales, you know, they're very, very hearty people. Fanatics
07:32for fitness. We've got one old girl, she's 99. She likes to ride a push bike. One day,
07:38she was pedalling this bike up a steep hill, just like that. And a fella jacked her car, stopped.
07:42He said, don't peddle, I'll give you a tow. He's towing up the hill. Another chap in a Rolls
07:46Royce flashes past and gives him a rude sign. So the fella in the jag, forgot about the
07:50old girl in the back and took off after him. A copper rang into the station. He said, hey,
07:56Sarge, I've just seen a funny sight. A Rolls Royce to 100 mile an hour, a jag to 105, and
08:01Bloodwyn Evans on a push bike, pedalling like hell, ringing a bell, trying to pass a pair of
08:05them. And as they get older, they get independent. There's an old couple living
08:15next door to me. He's 97, and the old girl is 95. Last Sunday, she went down in the garden
08:21to cut her cabbage for dinner, and she fainted flat out. There was the old fella struggling
08:26to pick it up. I said, can you manage Mr. Jones? He said, aye, I'll open a tin of peas.
08:44A fella staggered out of a pub, staggered out the pub, and he tried his key in a car door.
08:49It wouldn't fit. Tried another door. Tried half a dozen doors. No chance. So he sat down
08:53on a seat, and he waited, and the pub emptied. They all came out, and all the cars went. And
08:59he went across, and there's this one car, and he put his key in, lovely, and the bobby came.
09:03He said, I've been watching you. He said, you've been watching you blow into this bag. And it
09:07was clear. He said, how is that? It's clear. He said, what you've been drinking? He said,
09:11coffee. He said, what's the idea, drinking coffee and staggering out? He said, well,
09:16I'm the decoy. All my mates have gone home.
09:22I don't. I like it. I like it. Oh, I don't care tonight. I don't care. I don't, honest,
09:30love. Little lad in school, and the teacher said, tomorrow, kids, bring something mechanical
09:35to school. One kid dragged in an old pram. Where'd he get the pram from? Off him mother.
09:39What did your mother say? Oh, she's on the pill now. She doesn't need it, you know. The other
09:43kid dragged in an old sewing machine. Where'd he get that from? Off him mother. What did
09:45your mother say? Oh, she doesn't use it anymore. Well, the little coloured lad with blonde
09:48hair, blue eyes, coming in to school, coming in to school with an iron lung on his back.
09:57And she said, where'd he get that from? He said, off me dad. He said, what did your dad
09:59say? The kid said, huh, huh.
10:10Two Jewish ladies on the beaches of Bournemouth. One says, Mrs. Cohen, look at that child with
10:15a big head. Look at that terrible big head. She said, Mrs. Showman, that's my grandson.
10:23She said, I'll tell you something. That big head, it suits him.
10:28One.
10:47Oh, oh.
10:50Oh, oh,
10:51man.
10:53Yeah.
11:52Two Irish fellas.
11:55Two Irish fellas.
11:56Nick the double-decker bus from Manchester Corporation.
11:59They go on the low bridge.
12:01Smash the bloody top of the... right top of the bus.
12:05And I stood there in the wellis.
12:07I stood there.
12:12I stood there.
12:14I stood there.
12:15I stood there.
12:44I stood there.
12:45I stood there.
12:45I stood there.
12:50I stood there.
12:51I stood there.
12:52I stood there.
12:54The farmer said, what do you mean?
12:56It's going...
13:00The farmer said, you're sacked.
13:01He said, why? He said, you should be going...
13:13One fella said, the farmer, my feet are killing me.
13:15The farmer said, you're wearing your well. He's on the wrong feet.
13:18He said, they haven't got any other piece to put them on, he said.
13:31I love the Irish humour, though. Don't you like the Irish humour?
13:34Are there any Irish people in the audience tonight?
13:42That's the Welsh and me going for the burt.
13:48I love the Irish people. I think they're wonderful people, aren't they?
13:51One Irish fella came out to Yeats' Wine Lodge in Marcus Street,
13:54drunk as a lord in his wellies. Drunk.
13:56I'm trying to put a key in the lamppost.
14:04The policeman said, there's nobody in.
14:08He said, the light's still on, you know?
14:20Look at the size of that.
14:25I'm going to tell the mother to give you some snap, old lad.
14:35Well, aren't we all right?
14:39Lovely. I like you coloured people.
14:47Oh, we're all right now, don't we? We can settle down, settle down now.
14:50Heyo, hold on.
14:53Hold on. Do you know, do you know, this is right.
14:55There were three inmates walking in this dispensary place, you know.
14:58And they're walking about, mind no business, that knows how you do.
15:02And they're walking along, and all of a sudden, this seagull dive-bomb one,
15:05smacked down at the shirt front, then I saw the foot.
15:09It's a shirt full, it's a shirt full.
15:12And then his mare looks, he said, I'll face the toilet roll.
15:22Ferdinand said, don't be daft, they'll be miles away,
15:24but they'll be down there gets back.
15:25LAUGHTER
15:31APPLAUSE
15:32APPLAUSE
15:33APPLAUSE
15:33APPLAUSE
15:35APPLAUSE
15:36Ah, beautiful.
15:37LAUGHTER
15:38True, but watch this.
15:40LAUGHTER
15:41A Scotch fella stood watching Rangers and Celtic.
15:44There's a fella stood there, he says, er...
15:46To hell with Rangers.
15:48Eh. OK.
15:50LAUGHTER
15:52LAUGHTER
15:53The bloke said, pardon?
15:57Look, sir, I don't know what you're talking about, I'm American, I was in Texas.
16:05He said, well, to hell with Texas Rangers.
16:08LAUGHTER
16:11APPLAUSE
16:16APPLAUSE
16:16APPLAUSE
16:17APPLAUSE
16:22Oh...
16:23Laugh.
16:24LAUGHTER
16:25I thought my trousers would never dry.
16:32Hey, do you know, do you know, this is true now,
16:34there was a football match between rabbis and fathers.
16:38This is right.
16:39They were a big game, big game.
16:41And when they were all over, Pope rang up, I don't know,
16:43he said...
16:44He says, well, are you going on out through?
16:47LAUGHTER
16:53He says, we've lost 34 now.
16:56LAUGHTER
16:56He says, you never have.
16:58He said, we have.
16:5834-0.
16:59Rates rubbing.
17:01LAUGHTER
17:01He said, arrange another match.
17:03He said, it's no tail, we're having no more of that, old lad.
17:06He said, arrange another.
17:08Fix you up with your good one.
17:11He said, we'll have a race match then.
17:13Who we got?
17:13He said, Father Eusebio.
17:17They said, fair enough, old lad.
17:19We'll stay to them.
17:21Very nice.
17:23After a match, he phoned them up, he said, how we going on?
17:25He said, we lost 2-1.
17:27He said, you never did.
17:28He said, we did.
17:29We lost 2-1.
17:31He said, who's going for us?
17:32He said, Father Eusebio.
17:34He said, well, who's going for them?
17:35He said, Rabbi Charlton and Rabbi Best.
17:39LAUGHTER
17:49So this fellow rode into Morecambe Bay.
17:56Now, you'll have to imagine this.
17:58Are you listening?
18:00I said a bereavement.
18:01She's crying.
18:02Are you all right?
18:08Have you got a potty for this lady, please?
18:10Can you...
18:13He rode into Morecambe.
18:14Now, imagine this.
18:15He got in and he had the...
18:16Now, imagine this.
18:17Are you...
18:17You're not listening.
18:18Just a minute.
18:22Now, imagine this.
18:23Are you imagine?
18:24.
18:24.
18:33Colin Clanton sent you.
18:38And he's there, isn't he?
18:41Can he come back next week?
18:50He got... Now imagine this.
18:51He got out of his roi-in-bought.
18:54And he had this tin hat on with orange sticking out of his head.
18:58And a beard.
19:00And a lamb's wool jacket on.
19:03And sandals laced up to the knee.
19:07And bacon round his neck.
19:11He was a bloody Viking.
19:14Danish, forget it.
19:16And he got...
19:22I'm enjoying this. I'm getting paid as well.
19:26You're getting paid, aren't we?
19:27It was John Ampers. He's still here.
19:28He got out of his boot and walked up the beach.
19:36And spied this woman laid on her back.
19:41With a Bikibi... A Cozzier.
19:44And he went up to her with all the beard and the bacon stamped right through his neck.
19:54And he went to this woman and he said,
19:55Madam!
19:56And he said... Yeah, he did.
19:58He said, have you been personally attacked?
20:02Recently.
20:04And she was lying there, sand in her kneecaps.
20:07And...
20:11He said, has your village been pillaged and plundered and spoilt?
20:17She said, no.
20:18He said, I'm sorry to trouble you.
20:19Dove back in the boot.
20:22Rode northward.
20:23With all the gear on.
20:24Round the tip of Scotland.
20:26Past the Isle of Wight.
20:28Down.
20:29Not long.
20:31Down.
20:32Pulled into Aberdee.
20:33Got out of his boot.
20:35Saw this lady with a Pomeranian dog walking in the deep sand.
20:40And the dog was yelping.
20:41And he went up.
20:48He went up to this lady with all the gear on, the horns, and the...
20:51He said, Madam, I'm awfully sorry, but have you been personally attacked?
20:54She said, no.
20:55He said, has your village been pillaged and plundered?
20:58She said, no.
20:59He said, I wonder where the bloody lads have got to.
21:14English teacher went over in Ireland teaching.
21:16He says to this little lad, Tony Flanagan, he says, who pulled down the walls of Jericho?
21:22He said, it won't me.
21:27So he went to the headmaster.
21:29He said, what a school this is.
21:30He said, I've taught all over the world.
21:31He said, I've just asked a little boy there called Tony Flanagan who pulled down the walls of Jericho.
21:35And he said, it wasn't him.
21:38The headmaster says, well, I've known the Flanagan family for about 25 years.
21:44And if young Tony Flanagan says he didn't do it, then I believe him.
21:59This young fellow says to his brother, he says, Bruce, he said, I'm going to Blackpool for the week.
22:06Would you mind me cat?
22:07He said, certainly, certainly.
22:10He phoned from Blackpool after about three days.
22:12He says, Bruce, is that you, sweet?
22:15He said, yes.
22:15He said, how's my cat?
22:16He said, it's dead.
22:19Oh, he said, you have given me a shot now.
22:20He said, I feel old.
22:21Oh, he said, I've gone all queer.
22:22He said, it's terrible.
22:25What a shot you've given me, he says.
22:27Couldn't you have broke it more gentle than that, he said.
22:29Couldn't you have said it was playing with a ball on the roof and it fell off and you got
22:32the vet and you injected it and you nursed it for three or four nights and it died in its
22:37sleep.
22:38He said, I never thought.
22:39He said, well, you give me a terrible shot.
22:41How's my mother?
22:42He said, well, she was playing with a ball on the roof.
22:50Fellow got a job in the cemetery at the end of the week.
22:52He said to the boss, I want me card, sir.
22:54I couldn't work here, £14 a week, sir, to keep myself and 27 children.
22:58He said, I couldn't do it.
22:59He says, did you not get any tips, money?
23:02He said, no.
23:03I said, I'll show you how to do the job.
23:05And a very large funeral came in.
23:06He said, may I say, sir, that's the nicest funeral that's ever been in this cemetery.
23:12He said, thank you, sir.
23:14He said, I'll also say it's the nicest set of mourners I've ever seen in this cemetery.
23:20He said, thank you, sir.
23:21He said, would you take a tip?
23:23He said, I would.
23:24He said, would you take a drink?
23:25He said, yes.
23:26Out of five, sir.
23:27He said, thank you, sir.
23:28So he goes back to the village and says, that's how you do it.
23:30He said, right.
23:31Another large funeral came in.
23:32He said, may I say, sir, that's the greatest group of well-dressed mourners I've ever seen
23:37in my life.
23:38He said, thank you.
23:39I'd also say, sir, that the nicest funeral has ever come in to this cemetery.
23:44He said, thank you.
23:45He says, would you take a tip?
23:46He said, I would.
23:47He said, would you take a drink?
23:48He said, yes.
23:49He said, you'll take my tip.
23:50Lay off the drink.
23:51That's what happened to me today.
24:01The comedians tonight were Bernard Manning, Frank Carson, Josh White, Tom O'Connor, Johnny
24:11Wajan, Glenn Phillips, George Roper, Charlie Williams, and Jim Bowen.
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