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00:00Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Comedians!
00:32The telephone rings and Mrs. Kelly answered it. She said, yes, who's that?
00:36This is Murphy here from ringside. Is that 999?
00:40She said, no, this is 998. God bless him, she said.
00:44Would you mind running in next door and telling the brigade to house it in March?
00:51The American fellow walks into the bar, you know, and he said,
00:54I'll pay $100 for anyone who can sing me a quaint old Irish ballad.
00:59Nothing. He said, I'll pay $500 for anyone who will sing me an Irish song.
01:04I want an Irish folk song. In the corners, the two of them said,
01:09She goes up,
01:11With a
01:13Toot on my flute
01:14And a bit
01:14And a bit
01:17And a bit
01:17And a bit
01:17And a bit
01:18And a bit
01:18And a bit
01:19And a bit
01:19And a bit
01:20And a bit
01:20And a bit
01:20And a bit
01:24And a bit
01:28And a bit
01:45And a bit
01:47I've only asked for one tooth to come out.
01:51The dentist said, I'm a trade unionist.
01:53One out, the lot out.
01:59Go away, I tell them.
02:01Thank you very much.
02:04The fellow in court, the judge says,
02:06now, did you pinch these flowers from the park?
02:09He said, no, Your Honour.
02:10Did you have planted on me?
02:15Because they're on go slow now, aren't they?
02:17The British Railways.
02:18What a nerve they've got to say, go slow.
02:20Anybody notice any difference?
02:23They've always gone slow.
02:25I caught a train three weeks ago from Liverpool to Manchester.
02:28It took five and a half hours.
02:30Five and a half hours from Liverpool to Manchester.
02:32We got to Manchester, the fellow sitting opposite me says,
02:34well, that's the worst part of the journey over.
02:38I says, why, where are you going?
02:39He says, South Africa.
02:43That was a good one about the plane going across,
02:45actually, a lot of the plane flying,
02:47and the intercom's left on,
02:49and the captain's talking to his mate.
02:51The co-pilot says, Harry,
02:53do you know what I'm going to do when we land?
02:55I'm going to have a nice cup of coffee,
02:57and then I'm going to make love to that gorgeous hostess.
03:00Of course, everybody in the plane heard it, you see.
03:02And the hostess is on one,
03:03and she ran down the bloody alleyway to switch it off.
03:05And the little old woman said,
03:06don't worry, he's got to have his coffee first.
03:16A little lad ran in the house,
03:17and he said to his mother,
03:18I've torn my trousers, I've ripped my trousers.
03:20She said, well, I'll have to mend them now.
03:21I've no others for you to wear.
03:22Take them off.
03:23So the little lad took his trousers off,
03:24and she's mending them,
03:25and he goes out of the kitchen, this lad.
03:27A minute later, she hears some tramping about
03:29in the basement, in the cellar,
03:31and she goes to the top of the stairs.
03:32She says, are you running about there
03:34without your trousers on?
03:35And the voice comes back,
03:36no, madam, I'm reading the gas meter.
03:45So this is in the middle of Glasgow, see.
03:49Right, Wally, especially for Wally.
03:54This woman was walking past some men,
03:55they were putting this telegraph pull up,
03:57GPO engineers,
03:57and she heard some filthy language.
04:00Terrible.
04:01She was fuming about it.
04:02She wrote to the postmaster general,
04:03and he in turn wrote back to the foreman of the job
04:05and found out what was the language
04:06and why it had happened.
04:07So he got a letter back from the foreman saying,
04:09he said, well, sir, it was like this.
04:11Me and Wally are erecting the telegraph pull,
04:15and I was at the top of the pull,
04:17and Wally was down at the bottom,
04:19and I had a cup full of boiling hot lead,
04:24which I accidentally spelt Dune.
04:33Dune is back.
04:34To which he looked up and said,
04:36could you be a little bit more careful next time, Wally?
04:43Listen, listen, I'm going home last night in the car, see?
04:48On the side of the road, there's a bird thumb in the lift.
04:49I thought, Andy, Andy.
04:53Pulled over.
04:53Listen, got the bird in the motor, right?
04:56No messing about.
04:56Straight in the lay, boy.
04:57I don't play games.
05:03I said, all right, darling.
05:04This is it, this is it.
05:07Get in the back.
05:08She went, no, I thought, hold up.
05:14I said, get in the back.
05:16She went, no, I thought, stroll on.
05:22I said, get in the back.
05:23She said, no, I said, why not?
05:25She said, I want to stay in the front with you.
05:34Hey, they were a fellow, you know, and he went to his psychiatrist.
05:37So, the psychiatrist said, now, then, can I help you?
05:38He said, well, to be quite truthful, he said,
05:41my life's just been a failure.
05:43He said, well, tell me about yourself, you know, how do you mean?
05:48He said, well, there's a lad that passed me 11 plus.
05:52He said, and I went to high school and took 10 O levels, 8 A levels.
05:57Went on to university, got a degree in chemistry.
06:01Then I got a good job with ICI.
06:04See, chemical engineer, top rank.
06:08He said, well, what are you on about?
06:10How do you make out your life's been a failure?
06:13He said, I wanted to be a window cleaner.
06:25And then this woman went to the doctor's, and she was a good woman.
06:28She said, my husband beats me every night.
06:34He said, well, try playing some what you're good at.
06:42Pakistan, he wanted converted, so they took him to Leeds Rugby Ground
06:45and kicked him over the bars.
06:51Now, it's the same with this race relations board, you know.
06:53It's a wonderful scheme, that, you know.
06:55I'd have been on that if it hadn't been coloured,
06:56but it's a good scheme, that.
06:58My mate wanted, hey, my mate wanted to be on that race relations board.
07:02And he went to Enoch, he said, I'd like to be on the board, like.
07:05So he made him walk plank.
07:12Two fellas walking down the collier, in prison.
07:14One said, we're making a break tonight, are you coming?
07:16He says, no.
07:17He says, why not?
07:17He says, because I'm the warden.
07:24Little Imy Goldberg's in hospital.
07:28The surgeon came up, he said, we've got some good news,
07:30some bad news, Mr Goldberg.
07:31He says, what?
07:32He said, good news and bad news.
07:34He said, oh, dear me.
07:36Give me the bad news first.
07:38He said, we've got to take your feet off.
07:41Oi, oi.
07:43What's the good news?
07:44He said, well, the fellow in the next bed
07:47wants to buy your carpet slippers.
07:57300 Pakistanis swim in the Channel, disguised as an oil slick.
08:05Anyway, they make the beach and they want to go to Bradford, see?
08:08But they haven't got a tanner between them.
08:10They try a thumb in the lift, four days are at it and drew a blank.
08:13So the top man in the brains of the outfit said,
08:19What we must do, we must lay one person in the road
08:25and when the car come round the corner,
08:26it will see the body lying in the road and stop.
08:30One of them got in the road, what should come round the corner?
08:32A coltina, GT.
08:42The top man went, no, no, no.
08:46Yes, I'm all wrong.
08:48The coltina GT, much too fast, the brake will not stop.
08:50What we must do, we must lay two people in the road
08:54at 50-yard interval.
08:57When the car come round the corner,
08:59it might go over first person,
09:00but, you know, definitely stop by the second one.
09:04Two of them going around at 50-yard intervals.
09:05What should come round the corner?
09:06A 16-ton six-wheeler.
09:09With a trailer.
09:17It's a killer, isn't it?
09:18Anyway.
09:20The top man went, no, no, this I'm not on.
09:23No.
09:24Hmm.
09:25What we must do,
09:28we must lay three people in the road
09:31at 50-yard interval.
09:33When the car, the lorry come round the corner,
09:35it might go over first two,
09:36but definitely stop by the third one.
09:39Three of them got in the road at 50-yard intervals.
09:42What should come round the corner?
09:43A Rolls Royce.
09:44Who's in the back?
09:46Enoch Perl.
09:50Hmm.
09:51Ba-bum.
09:52Hmm.
09:53Ba-bum.
09:53Hmm.
09:54Ba-bum.
09:55Ah!
09:55Bum-bum!
09:57Hmm.
09:58Ba-bum.
09:59Ba-bum.
12:39Number one, two, three.
12:41He said, ooh, dead funny.
12:44Me and me, that very funny.
12:45I live in one, two, three, mill street.
12:48He said, eh, what do you call your wife?
12:50He said, eh, Rebecca.
12:53He said, ooh, dead funny.
12:56Me and me, that very funny.
12:58I called my wife, Rebecca.
13:01Now, just to clear things up, boy, honey lamb, honey giant.
13:05Did you live on the first, the second or the third floor?
13:09He says, I'll live on the second floor.
13:11He said, ooh, that's funny.
13:15Ooh, that's very funny.
13:17He said, I'll live on the second floor.
13:19Well, I've just come to one conclusion that you and I are husband-in-law.
13:29Well, the thing that go on there, it's unbelievable.
13:32Do you know, a white fellow actually shot a Negro, shot a Negro.
13:36He went to his commanding officer.
13:37He said, boss, I just shot this and down gone Negro, he says.
13:41He said, I shot him.
13:44And killed him, I think.
13:47The CEO said, he said, what have you done with him?
13:49He said, I buried him.
13:52He said, was he dead?
13:53He said, well, he said he was, but he don't lie to the Negro, that's he.
14:02Here is the latest news.
14:04It's good news and bad news.
14:05I'll tell you the bad news first.
14:07Pakistaners have landed on the moon.
14:09Here is the good news, all of them.
14:13It was a bit strong, wasn't it?
14:21I was in a chemist shop last week.
14:23There's a woman serving.
14:25There always is when I want something special.
14:36I thought, well, I'm going to ask.
14:37I've got enough toothbrush and a lucasate to last me a lifetime.
14:44That's true, that.
14:49I said to this woman behind the counter, I said, good morning, can you give me something?
14:52The loss of voice.
14:54She says, can I help you?
15:06I was in Scarborough last summer, you know.
15:08I went there for my holidays in Scarborough.
15:10And I've got one of these big ice cream cornets.
15:12I'm licking the ice cream cornet on the promenade.
15:16And I'm leaning over the top, and the ice cream fell off my cornet and hit this fellow's bald head
15:20on the beach below.
15:24I ducked back and looked at me, that bloody seagull must live in a fridge.
15:43I was in this pub in Manchester.
15:48Were you in it as well?
15:53Seen you on telly, haven't I?
15:56This is true, this.
15:57I'm in this pub in Manchester, and this woman come in, you know, real class.
16:02Red Hat, Furcoat and Wellerton's on.
16:07And she started doing that to me.
16:14I thought, hello.
16:19What an easy pick-up.
16:21She had handles on her hips.
16:30She had a good head for money.
16:32Little slot in the top that was my head.
16:36She looked at me, she went.
16:39I said, I've only got a shilling.
16:41She said, I've got change.
16:50Oh, well, now.
16:51I was in a bar, actually, picking up courage to come here earlier on tonight.
16:55And there was two fellas in the bar having a chat.
16:57Two Manchester lads.
16:58Black as the ace of spades.
17:02One fella says to the other, he says, I'm sick to death with this Northern Ireland bit.
17:05He says, the only thing good that ever came out of Northern Ireland was loose women and footballers.
17:09And this other fella says, excuse me, mate.
17:11My wife comes from Northern Ireland.
17:13And the first fella says, oh, does she?
17:14What position does she play?
17:24We've got some head cases over there.
17:26One of these fellas tried to form his own air force the other week.
17:29And he went out and he fought a 1919 Zeppelin.
17:34Second hand from the First World War and two 1923 parachutes.
17:38And he's given Rafferty and Finnegan their instructions.
17:42He says, now, I want you to jump out over Loch Ney at 35,000 feet.
17:47But these parachutes aren't very reliable.
17:50So don't open them up until you're 10 foot from the ground.
17:57And Rafferty tippled.
17:59He says, what happens if it doesn't open up?
18:01He says, well, you can jump 10 foot, can't you?
18:12And Murphy and Dooley saved up for five years to buy a pub.
18:15After five years of got enough money, they opened the pub.
18:17And for six months, they never had a customer.
18:19Except themselves.
18:21And they're losing a fortune.
18:22One day, Dooley has a look at the books.
18:24Begopsy, Murphy, so we're in terrible trouble.
18:25What are we going to do?
18:26Murphy says, I don't know Dooley.
18:28You're the brains.
18:29Dooley says, well, all I can think of, I see, is,
18:31why don't we sell the pub and open a brothel?
18:34And Murphy says, don't we so bloody soft.
18:36If we can't sell Guinness, how the hell are we going to sell broth?
18:46But that's too bright.
18:49They lost the pub, hadn't a penny between them.
18:52But Murphy had a shilling.
18:54And, uh, Murphy says to Dooley,
18:59I tell you what we do with this shilling,
19:01says he lets walk into the bookies and put it on a horse.
19:04Well, they walk in the local petting shop in Ballybutton.
19:07That's a...
19:09Ballybutton, that's a naval base in Ireland.
19:11And, uh, they...
19:16And they put the shilling on a horse
19:17and they're parading up and down the main street.
19:19Murphy says, let's go and see if it's won.
19:21Dooley says, no, hold on.
19:22The longer we go without knowing,
19:23the longer we know it hasn't won.
19:25Let's walk into the church and say a prayer for it.
19:28The two boys walk into the church,
19:30knelt down by the altar,
19:31and they start to pray,
19:32and Murphy started off forced.
19:33He says, hail Mary, full of grace.
19:35May Lester Pickett win this race.
19:41The Dooley tries to go one better than him,
19:43says he, our father who art in heaven,
19:45may Lester win it 107.
19:49There's a big parish priest on it behind them,
19:51Father O'Shaughnessy.
19:54He nudges Murphy on the shoulder with a shillelagh.
19:57And he says, you needn't pray to the Holy Ghost,
19:59because Lester Pickett was left at the post.
20:09This is true, this.
20:11True story, this.
20:21It used to work as a ringer-out for a one-arm window cleaner.
20:27It's true, this.
20:29It's true.
20:38And he worked up in,
20:39he worked in a woodwork in Glasgow.
20:42A woodwork.
20:42He wouldn't,
20:43but he worked in this woodwork.
20:47And his big ambition in life
20:49was to go to London.
20:51He wanted to go to,
20:51he'd never been to London,
20:52he wanted to go to London.
20:54And he went to this farm,
20:55and one day,
20:55and he's got all these lardies
20:56loaded up with wood.
20:58He said to the farm,
20:59excuse me.
21:02The farmer said, yes,
21:03because he was funny as well.
21:10He said, excuse me,
21:12any of these bodies going down to London?
21:16True.
21:18The farmer said,
21:19that one at the front
21:20when the driver turns up,
21:21he said, I wish he'd let me
21:21drive it to London.
21:23I've got a driving licence,
21:25I'd love to go to London.
21:28The farmer said,
21:28one day you can do,
21:29but not, you know,
21:30not just now.
21:31I said, thank you very much.
21:35Ten o'clock,
21:36the foreman goes out,
21:36the lardy's missing,
21:37and so's my pal.
21:39He's driving down the A1
21:41with a lardy load of lardy load
21:43of lardy load of lardy
21:43to London.
21:48You all right now, then?
21:52Don't hide your face,
21:52I heard you.
21:56He's driving this lardy load
21:57of wood to London,
21:58he pulled up at Scotch Corner,
21:59he wound his window down,
22:00and he said to this fellow,
22:01excuse me,
22:04in London,
22:10the fellow said,
22:11why, no, can you, lad?
22:13This is Scotch Corner.
22:15He was Welsh.
22:19Thank you very much,
22:20and he carried on.
22:21He got to Doncaster,
22:24Silver Street.
22:25Wound his window down,
22:26I said to this fellow,
22:26excuse me,
22:27is this London?
22:29He said,
22:29why, no, can you, lad?
22:30He was a fast runner,
22:31this fellow.
22:34He was a slow driver,
22:35I'm not sure.
22:35Anyway.
22:38He said,
22:39straight down the A1,
22:41you cannae miss it.
22:42Well, he arrived at Ross-on-Wye.
22:49He wound his window down,
22:50he said to this fellow,
22:50excuse me,
22:52is this London?
22:53The fellow said,
22:54no,
22:55this is Ross-on-Wye,
22:56you turn left at Monmouth.
22:58Full of the husk.
23:02I didn't thank him any much.
23:03Well, he arrived on London Bridge,
23:05Tower Bridge,
23:07five o'clock rush hour
23:08with a lardy load of wood.
23:10And he stopped in the middle of it,
23:11all the traffic piled up behind him.
23:13Wound his window down,
23:14and he said,
23:14you and me,
23:16in this London?
23:17I said, yes.
23:18He said,
23:18where do you want this wood?
23:22That's a good idea.
23:33The comedians tonight were,
23:35Frank Carson,
23:37Dougie Brown,
23:38George Ropo,
23:40Alan Fox,
23:41Colin Crompton,
23:43Mike Green,
23:45Charlie Williams,
23:47Bernard Manning,
23:49Sammy Thomas,
23:51Jimmy Marshall,
23:52and Pat Mooney.
23:53Thank you so much for watching.
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