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00:01Ladies and gentlemen, it's The Comedians!
00:34Two Irish fellas working down the hall, the former said, now Mick, Pat, jump up.
00:38Jumped up. Jumped back in.
00:42Jump up again. Jumped out.
00:44Get back in again.
00:45Went on all day, said, what the hell's the idea?
00:49He said, you're bringing more muck on your wellies than what you're out on your shoulder.
01:03I'm not going to be rude tonight, either, because I think you're wonderful.
01:07Welcome to the tables and chairs, actually.
01:09But where's the others? Did I come yet?
01:12From Maston, it is.
01:15Mastley? Scruffy.
01:18I, er...
01:22My wife's from Mastley. Lovely girl, my wife.
01:25Always makes... Funny girl, my wife.
01:27When we got married, she makes a cup of tea every morning in a dressing gown.
01:30Can't afford a teapot.
01:36The first night I went to bed, the first night we were there,
01:39I sat looking out the window all night in my wellies.
01:43She said, why don't you come to bed?
01:44I said, my mum said it's going to be the best night of my life
01:46and I'm not going to miss a minute of it.
01:54The fellow went to the doctors, he said,
01:55Doctor, you've got to help me.
01:56He said, nobody wants to speak to me.
01:58The doctor said, next.
02:07One fellow went to the doctor, he said, Doctor,
02:08he said, I'm invisible.
02:09The doctor said, who said that?
02:22Well, I went to the doctor, he said, you've got to help me.
02:24The doctor said, why? What's the matter?
02:26He said, well, I can't understand it.
02:27He says, for weeks now I've developed a hell of a temper.
02:31I talk to people and then I flare up for no reason whatsoever.
02:34The doctor said, how long has it been going on?
02:36You've told you!
02:45The doctor said, well, she's bruising out of me, innit?
02:47I don't know.
02:49Yeah, the fellow went round collecting
02:50for the Stratford Brass Band Association Society.
02:53Knocked on this woman's door.
02:57She said, yes.
02:59He said, I'm collecting on behalf
03:01of the Stratford Brass Band Association Society.
03:04She said, eh.
03:06She said, I'm collecting on behalf
03:08of the Stratford Brass Band Association Society.
03:12She said, eh.
03:15I'm collecting on behalf
03:17of the Stratford Brass Band Association Society.
03:23She said, hang on a minute.
03:26Comes out with her ear and all.
03:28What did you say?
03:34I'm collecting on behalf of the Stratford Brass Band Association Society.
03:39She said, eh.
03:41Oh, he said, I'm going.
03:43Going down the pattern.
03:44She says, close me gate.
03:46He said, blowing you and your ruddy gate.
03:49She said, blowing you and your ruddy Stratford Brass Band Association Society.
03:54She said, sir.
04:04How's he like me up to now, then?
04:08Lovely show, isn't it?
04:09I'm the only one I've never heard of, you know.
04:18There was a knock at my back door today.
04:19I opened the door.
04:20There's no one there.
04:22So I closed it.
04:22There's another knock.
04:23I opened it.
04:23There's no one there.
04:23The little voice said, hey.
04:26Hey.
04:27I looked at it.
04:27I was a little furry.
04:28Little furry.
04:29With a wand broke.
04:30And a halo all bent.
04:32And all her dress black.
04:34I said, what do you want?
04:35She said, can you do something
04:35with the bottom of your garden?
04:41Two old ladies talking.
04:42Once I'd have seen your husband
04:43walking down Blackpool Prong
04:44with a big blonde on his arm.
04:46He said, well, it's a bit old
04:47for a bucket and spade, isn't it?
04:50He said, what?
04:55I had a stammer.
04:56He went to the fish and chip shop.
04:57He said, can you have a seat
04:57by the ch-ch-ch-ch?
04:58And the cat flew at him.
05:04It's two goats.
05:07There's two goats
05:08walking around Hollywood.
05:09And they're opening dustbins, you see.
05:11And one finds a film
05:12and eats it.
05:12It goes, blub, blub, blub.
05:16And the other goat said,
05:17what was it like?
05:18He said, not bad.
05:19Not as good as the book.
05:26The fellow
05:28takes his mother-in-law
05:29to Paris on a day out.
05:31And he takes up the Eiffel Tower
05:33and he throws her off the top.
05:35Je duc.
05:37And in court the next day,
05:38the judge said,
05:38I'm going to make an example of you.
05:40He said, I couldn't help it,
05:41Your Honour.
05:41It was in a fit of temper.
05:42And the judge said,
05:43it doesn't matter.
05:44You could have hit someone
05:44on the head.
05:54You'll love this one.
05:57You'll love this one.
05:57I'll bring the house down.
05:59There's a hyena
06:03walking through the jungle
06:04with a monkey.
06:09And the hyena said,
06:10I'm braver than you, monkey.
06:11And the monkey said,
06:12you're not.
06:13You know.
06:14He said, I am.
06:15I'm braver than you.
06:15The monkey said,
06:15you're not.
06:16I'm braver than you.
06:17And just then,
06:18a great big lion
06:19jumped out the bush
06:20and grabbed the hyena.
06:23And the monkey was up a tree.
06:24Je duc.
06:26And the hyena
06:27was lying there,
06:28torn to ribbons.
06:29The lion walks away.
06:32And the monkey came down
06:34and said,
06:34I thought you were brave.
06:35And the hyena said,
06:36why didn't you help me out?
06:38He said,
06:38the way you were laughing,
06:39I thought you were getting on top.
06:51No, I just love you.
06:52So, there's two scousers,
06:53you see,
06:54there's two scousers
06:56go fishing in the Mersey.
06:58And they got in the row,
06:59but they're rowing out.
06:59And they're pulling them in.
07:01Big fish,
07:02tons of that.
07:02Oh, God.
07:03He said,
07:03look at that,
07:04look at that,
07:04look at that.
07:05Give them to the Algal.
07:07Give them.
07:07Give them.
07:08And he said,
07:08oh, we'll have a marvellous night.
07:09He said,
07:09should we come tomorrow?
07:10He said, yeah.
07:11He said,
07:12well, mark the spot.
07:17So, he put a cross
07:18on the side of the boat.
07:24And rowed away.
07:27His mate said,
07:27you daft bat.
07:30We might get the same boat tomorrow.
07:39Hey, hold on.
07:41Hold on.
07:42I was glad to tell you this.
07:44A good one.
07:45It's a good one, mine.
07:45Clean.
07:46It's clean.
07:46Clean.
07:47There's a mate of mine,
07:48and it's a grand fella,
07:49and he goes in booze every day.
07:51Life and soul at party.
07:54He's always on,
07:55having a good laugh.
07:56Smokes.
07:56He can sup like a fish.
07:59All his life.
08:00Come in all the week,
08:01and does thy know
08:02that his face was down here?
08:04I said,
08:05what's up, cock?
08:14He wouldn't answer me,
08:16don't know.
08:16He wouldn't answer me.
08:17I thought, well,
08:18I thought,
08:19poor Aunt Cocker.
08:21I said,
08:22come here, flower.
08:23Let's have a word with you.
08:26I said,
08:26what's the matter with you?
08:27Why aren't they talking?
08:28Well, they used a little life
08:29and soul at party watch.
08:30What's up with you,
08:31old love?
08:32He said,
08:33well,
08:33I said,
08:34I tell you,
08:34I've got to talk to somebody.
08:36He said,
08:37I've been to doctors,
08:38he said,
08:39and I've got six months to live.
08:42I said,
08:42cheer up,
08:43it'll soon pass.
08:58On sight,
09:00Granada comes to
09:01Withenshaw Estate,
09:02Manchester.
09:03Get the picture in the studio,
09:05Councillor Smith,
09:06Councillor Jones,
09:08Councillor Brown.
09:11sat in champagne bucket chairs,
09:12smoking King Edward cigars,
09:14sipping Napoleon brandy,
09:15fitted carpet,
09:16the best of everything.
09:18Where's the punters on Withenshaw
09:20in the pouring rain?
09:22Hey!
09:24Are you there,
09:25Ray Gosling?
09:26Yes,
09:26I'm here.
09:27And I'm barely stood here,
09:28I'll tell you.
09:33Are we on the air yet?
09:34We're on now.
09:34Good evening.
09:36On sight this week
09:37comes from
09:38Withenshaw Estate,
09:39Manchester,
09:40and we have a Mr Mitchell
09:41off the estate
09:42who has a complaint
09:42for Councillor Jones.
09:44Mr Mitchell.
09:45Thanks very much,
09:46son,
09:46thank you.
09:49Councillor Jones,
09:50can you hear me?
09:55Yes,
09:56I can hear you.
10:01It's about our roof.
10:04Yes,
10:05we want one.
10:12£4.15 a week
10:13for these houses,
10:14Councillor,
10:14it's a disgrace,
10:15we've got books.
10:17Well,
10:18pull your bed away
10:18from the wall.
10:20We've done that,
10:21they pull it back.
10:27I threw a bucket
10:28of petrol on them
10:29the other night
10:29to come out
10:30on motorbikes.
10:35I'm sick of these houses,
10:36I'll tell you.
10:38The walls are that thin,
10:39I opened the oven door
10:40the other day
10:40there's a fella
10:41dipping his bread
10:41in our gravy.
10:48And another thing,
10:49Councillor,
10:49I think I'm the only one
10:50that works up here,
10:51there's some right layabouts
10:52to live on this estate,
10:53I'll tell you.
10:54The fella next door
10:54to me,
10:55last job he had,
10:56school prefect.
11:02One of his insurance
11:03stamps is worth
11:03more than a penny black.
11:09He's been on the door
11:10that long,
11:11he goes to the staff
11:11dances.
11:15Alice and Councillor,
11:16what are you going to do
11:17about the pond
11:18at the bottom
11:18of the garden there?
11:19What are you going to do
11:20about that pond?
11:20I've been complaining
11:21about 14 years
11:22about that pond.
11:23Now you're doing
11:24nothing about it.
11:25Well,
11:26Mr. Mitchell,
11:26can I...
11:27What are you going to do
11:27about that log?
11:29Can I speak...
11:30What are you going to do?
11:32Well,
11:32Mr. Mitchell,
11:33if you don't let me speak,
11:34I won't be able
11:34to tell you.
11:36Now just settle down,
11:37please.
11:37We know all about
11:38this pond.
11:40We had a meeting
11:41only last week,
11:42the town and country
11:42planning,
11:44about this pond,
11:45Mr. Mitchell.
11:47We're going to send
11:48you three ducks.
11:56I'd like to thank you
11:57for being a wonderful
11:58audience.
11:58Thank you very much.
12:07Thank you very much.
12:55Thank you very much.
13:14And all the strikes,
13:15everybody's going back now.
13:17I hate to see strikes,
13:18especially the post office,
13:20because they've got enough
13:20to put up with
13:21with these dogs.
13:22This fellow said,
13:23every time I go up out of,
13:24this dog goes to me,
13:25he said,
13:26you know what you want to do?
13:27He said,
13:28you want to go down
13:28to the army and navy stores
13:29and get one of these
13:30big jockers belts.
13:32And if this dog goes for you,
13:33wrap it and belt it.
13:36And he's going up
13:37with his bag.
13:39And this dog comes running
13:40at him,
13:40woof, woof, woof.
13:42So he gets the belt off
13:43and he goes,
13:44and the dog said,
13:45well,
13:45that's the way
13:45you want to play.
13:56I love the jockers.
13:57I love the jockers.
14:01One fellow's coming
14:02out the dock gate
14:03and the cop says,
14:03come here,
14:04what have you got on you?
14:04And he said,
14:05nothing.
14:05And he legs it down
14:06the dock road
14:06and the cop's chasing him.
14:07Does a flying rugby tackle
14:09and brings him down.
14:10He said,
14:11you've got nothing,
14:11can't you?
14:12He said,
14:12I told you I didn't.
14:13He said,
14:13what were you running for?
14:14He said,
14:14I was timing you
14:15for tomorrow night.
14:23They have the names,
14:24they have the names.
14:24I love them names.
14:25There's one fellow,
14:26they call him the poet.
14:27He says,
14:28this job is just like heaven.
14:30I haven't done a tap
14:31since half eleven.
14:32And the boss heard him,
14:33he said,
14:33hickety dickety dock,
14:35pick your cards up
14:36at five o'clock.
14:42No,
14:43but I love our gags.
14:44The clever gags.
14:46I love the clever gags.
14:47Like a fellow goes
14:48to a bank for a loan
14:49and the bank manager says,
14:50well,
14:50I'm awfully sorry,
14:51you see,
14:51the loan arranger isn't in.
14:53He said,
14:54well,
14:54who do a C,
14:54said,
14:55tonto.
14:59And the two monkeys
15:00in a cage
15:01and one said to the other,
15:02I'm starving.
15:02He said,
15:02well,
15:03there's plenty of bread.
15:03What do you want?
15:04He said,
15:04I want toast.
15:05He said,
15:05well,
15:05how are we going
15:06to make the toast?
15:06He said,
15:07stick it under the grill.
15:16It's getting near the holidays now.
15:18I was at a holiday camp last year.
15:20They offered me a job
15:21as an AA man
15:22looking in the shell.
15:23He's going,
15:23hey,
15:23hey,
15:24you can't do that.
15:28But,
15:29you know,
15:29it's a funny sort of a life
15:32because I tell you,
15:33where I've been living,
15:34there's a very big
15:35Jewish community there.
15:37You see,
15:37mind you,
15:38a lot of people
15:38say that I'm Jewish.
15:41No individual laughing,
15:43please,
15:43altogether not at all.
15:45No,
15:46because my name is
15:47Canty,
15:48you see,
15:48and they think
15:49I'm related to
15:50Eddie Canty.
15:51Well,
15:52the only relationship
15:53I've got with
15:53Eddie Canty
15:54is that he's dead
15:55and I'm not feeling
15:56too good at the moment.
15:58No,
15:59but right next door,
16:00right next door
16:01to where I live,
16:02there's a block of flats
16:03and a Jewish gentleman there,
16:05a most delightful family.
16:07How lovely they are.
16:08And he wanted a council house.
16:10So he went down
16:11to the council office,
16:11he says to the fellow
16:12behind the counter,
16:13he says,
16:13I want a council house.
16:14He says,
16:15there he is,
16:15so he says,
16:15what's your name?
16:16He says,
16:17Isaac Cohen.
16:18He says,
16:18Isaac Cohen.
16:19He says,
16:20where are we living
16:20at the moment?
16:21He says,
16:21in a flat.
16:22He says,
16:22in a flat.
16:23He says,
16:23what do you do for a living?
16:24He says,
16:25I'm a tailor.
16:25He says,
16:25you're a tailor.
16:26He says,
16:27what's your religion?
16:28He says,
16:28I'm Jewish.
16:28He says,
16:29I'm terribly sorry.
16:30I'm terribly sorry.
16:30We can't give Jewish people
16:32council houses.
16:33I'm terribly,
16:33terribly sorry.
16:34Terribly,
16:35terribly,
16:35terribly disturbed I am.
16:40So poor Isaac went home.
16:42He was on his way home
16:43and he went in the pub.
16:45He got a face
16:46like a band of hope doormat.
16:51His mate was there.
16:53He says,
16:53what's up with you?
16:54He says,
16:54well,
16:54he says,
16:55I've been down
16:55in the council offices.
16:56They won't give me
16:57a council house
16:58because I'm Jewish.
16:59He says,
16:59don't take any notice
17:01of them pen pushes.
17:02That's all they are.
17:03Pen pushes.
17:04Go down
17:04and tell him
17:05you're Roman Catholic.
17:06They won't know
17:06any different.
17:07He went down
17:07the next day,
17:08different cubicle,
17:09went in,
17:10the fellow there.
17:10He says,
17:11I want a councillor.
17:12I says,
17:12oh yes.
17:13He says,
17:13what's your name?
17:13He says,
17:14my name's Isaac Cohen.
17:15He says,
17:16Isaac Cohen.
17:16He says,
17:16what do you do for a living?
17:17He says,
17:18I'm a tailor.
17:18He says,
17:18you're a tailor.
17:19He says,
17:19where you're living at the moment.
17:20He says,
17:20I'm a flat.
17:21He says,
17:21in a flat.
17:22He says,
17:22what's your religion?
17:23He says,
17:23I'm a Roman Catholic.
17:27He says,
17:28Roman Catholic
17:28was a name like Cohen.
17:29It's rather unusual.
17:30He says,
17:30do you mind answering the questions?
17:32He says,
17:32no,
17:33not at all.
17:34He says,
17:34what was our Lord's name?
17:35He says,
17:35Jesus Christ.
17:36He says,
17:36Jesus Christ.
17:37He says,
17:37what was his mother's name?
17:39He says,
17:39Mary.
17:39He says,
17:39Mary.
17:40He says,
17:41where was he born?
17:41He says,
17:42he was born in a stable.
17:43He says,
17:43he was born in a stable.
17:44He says,
17:44why was he born in a stable?
17:45He says,
17:45because he was Jewish.
17:58Oh,
17:58you are kind.
18:00Mazel tov.
18:02No,
18:02but you know,
18:03his daughter is beautiful.
18:04Oh,
18:04she's gorgeous.
18:06She really is.
18:06And she wanted to marry a Christian boy.
18:08She says to the Christian boy,
18:09he says,
18:09look,
18:09he says,
18:09if you want to marry me,
18:10you have to become Jewish.
18:11Become one of the chosen few.
18:14He says,
18:14well,
18:14I've heard a lot about that,
18:16you know.
18:16He says,
18:17I don't think I'm cut out for it,
18:19really,
18:19you see,
18:19because
18:23I've not given it much thought.
18:26She says,
18:26well,
18:26look,
18:27she says,
18:27it is nothing.
18:28Come down to the synagogue,
18:29see the rabbi,
18:29see what he's got to say.
18:31So they went down to the synagogue,
18:32the rabbi came out,
18:33she says,
18:33the rabbi,
18:33this is a good Christian boy,
18:35he wants to marry me,
18:36he wants to become Jewish.
18:37The rabbi says,
18:38easy,
18:38my boy,
18:39easy.
18:40He grabbed a bowl of water off the side,
18:42he says,
18:42you're not Christian,
18:43you're Jewish.
18:44You're not Christian,
18:44you're Jewish.
18:45You're not Christian,
18:46you're Jewish.
18:47There you go,
18:47my boy,
18:48you're Jewish.
18:49Is that it?
18:50He says,
18:50that's it.
18:51He says,
18:51what,
18:51just get soaking wet,
18:52is that me done?
18:53He says,
18:53that's you done.
18:55So they got married,
18:56they went,
18:57marvellous wedding,
18:58been married three months,
18:59the lad went home,
19:00one lunchtime,
19:01but on the way home,
19:02he got himself stoned.
19:03He was paralytic.
19:05He was so drunk,
19:07he was singing,
19:07having a gila in English.
19:11He went in the port,
19:13but she says,
19:13the port,
19:14but she says,
19:14I hop,
19:15I,
19:17hop,
19:20this is the one I want.
19:22I want two pork chops,
19:24please.
19:25He says,
19:26but you're Jewish,
19:26you can't eat this.
19:27He says,
19:27I don't care where I am,
19:28wrap them up,
19:29I'm hungry,
19:29get them wrapped up.
19:33So he cut the two chops off,
19:34put them into a piece of paper,
19:36put them under his arm,
19:37he staggered home,
19:38when he got home,
19:39he took the chops out of the paper,
19:40put them into a pan,
19:41put the pan on the gas stove,
19:42he was just going to light the gas,
19:44and his missus walked in.
19:46He grabbed a bowl of water,
19:48he says,
19:48you're not pork chops,
19:49you kippers,
19:49you're not pork chops.
19:51You're not pork chops.
19:59You're not pork chops.
20:00I'm not so keen on them,
20:01I like what they call stupid jokes,
20:02I love stupid silly jokes,
20:03like the woman that went to the butcher's shop,
20:04and said,
20:04two lamb chops will make them lean.
20:06He said,
20:06which way?
20:10You've got to laugh at that.
20:11How about the...
20:13Stop.
20:14How about the fella?
20:15He went to the butcher,
20:16said,
20:16hey butcher,
20:17have you got any tripe?
20:17He said,
20:18yes sir,
20:18we've got plenty of tripe.
20:19He said,
20:19is your tripe pure?
20:20He said,
20:20sir,
20:20our tripe is pure as your wife.
20:21He said,
20:21oh well,
20:22give us a pork chop.
20:25I can go worse than that with stupid jokes,
20:26like two fellas in the market having a chat.
20:28The fella said to his mate,
20:29I've got 250 day old chicks going cheap.
20:32His mate said,
20:32what do you expect them to do?
20:33Bark.
20:37Get used to them.
20:40Get used to them,
20:41they go steadily worse.
20:42Two Scottish docks going down the street,
20:44and one doc said to the other doc,
20:45quack, quack,
20:46and the other doc said,
20:47I'm coming as quack as I can.
20:52Did you hear about the over-sex squirrel?
20:54He did his knot.
20:55I tell you in Irish.
21:00An Irishman went for a job
21:01in a chemical works
21:02and he was talking to the manager
21:03and the manager said to the Irishman,
21:04this is a chemical works.
21:05What do you know about chemicals?
21:06He said,
21:06everything.
21:07He said,
21:07well,
21:07what's nitrates?
21:08He said,
21:08time and a half.
21:12A fella
21:14went to court
21:15for beating his wife up.
21:16The judge said,
21:16first offender.
21:17He said,
21:17yeah,
21:17first offender,
21:18then a hammer,
21:19then a chisel,
21:20then a profanel,
21:20then a...
21:23This fella
21:28was an inventor
21:29and he invented things
21:31and he invented a mousetrap.
21:35This is a terrible job.
21:37And he went to this manager,
21:38saw this big firm
21:39and he said,
21:39listen,
21:40and the fella went,
21:42he said,
21:42listen,
21:46he said,
21:46I've got a mousetrap.
21:47It's a brand new invention.
21:48He said,
21:48if you mass produce my mousetraps
21:49to make ourselves a fortune,
21:50it's very cheap
21:51and very simple to make.
21:52It's just a little piece
21:53of square oblong wood.
21:58About that long
21:59and about that thick
22:00on the floor
22:00with a razor blade
22:01in the middle
22:01with a sharp edge
22:02sticking up.
22:03No cheese.
22:06Manager said,
22:07no cheese?
22:08How does it work?
22:09He said,
22:09it's quite simple.
22:09The mouse just walks along
22:10and gets on the wood
22:11and looks over the razor blade
22:12and says,
22:12where's all the cheese gone?
22:15Not bad,
22:16is that?
22:20Fellow walked in the bookie,
22:21said to the fellow
22:21behind the counter
22:22in the bookie,
22:22he said,
22:22I backed him.
22:26He said,
22:28a favourite.
22:28He said,
22:28no.
22:32He said,
22:32I backed him.
22:34He said,
22:36a fella.
22:36He said,
22:37no.
22:39He said,
22:39I backed him.
22:40He said,
22:40fo-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f
22:42-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f.
22:42He said,
22:43a fourth phrase.
22:43He said,
22:44no.
22:45He said,
22:46no.
22:46He said,
22:46f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f.
22:48He said,
22:48look,
22:48here's two quid,
22:48come back tomorrow.
22:49We'll find it.
22:53So the fella took the two quid, went outside and saw his mate.
22:55Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's a funny f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f...
23:02Fella.
23:03He just gave me two-two-two-two-two...
23:09Two quid!
23:10And only went to...
23:11Tell him I backed a f-f-f-f-f-five-ton lorry into his car.
23:16Thank you, Mike.
23:30The comedians tonight were...
23:33George Roper, Mike Burton, Charlie Williams, Bernard Manning, Steve Bay, Kenny Cantor and Dave Butler.
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