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00:03Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Comedian!
00:36Talk about hanging, this fella was getting hung for a murder and the hangman says, have
00:39you any last request?
00:40The fella says, yes.
00:41I'd like a bottle of champagne, please.
00:43The hangman said, any particular vintage?
00:45He says, yes, 1998.
00:47I'll wait.
00:51The fella was getting hung for a murder and he said to the hangman, can you put the rope
00:54around me waist?
00:55I've got a boil in the back of me neck.
00:57Big teddy boy was getting hung for a murder and the hangman said to him, I've always wanted
01:01to hang one of you teddy boys.
01:02So ready, teddy, go!
01:08Takes courage to work material like this.
01:14Irish lawnlady said there were three lodges.
01:15He says, you three are a terrible pair if ever there was one.
01:19The night before last, you just came home yesterday.
01:21Last night, you just come home this morning.
01:22If he's come home tomorrow, today, you're not sleeping in this bloody house tonight.
01:30Police constable on nights.
01:33Middle of November.
01:34Very cold.
01:35Walking down the street where he lived.
01:38On his cell, by his up.
01:41That was his what?
01:43Dipped me bread.
01:45Walking down this...
01:46Oh, it was cold.
01:47Middle of November.
01:48It was so cold, a brass monkey walked across in front of him.
01:53With a welding rod in his hand.
02:01And he only had his tunic and his trousers.
02:03That's all he had on.
02:04Tunic, trousers, walking down.
02:06On nights.
02:07And he looked, he passed his house.
02:09He thought, I'll get me a great coat.
02:11So he shouted, in gay abandon.
02:16Willy nilly.
02:19Mabel!
02:27Mabel, he said, will you, will you, will you, will you throw me great coat down?
02:30I'm not, I'm frozen.
02:35So Mabel opened up and threw the great coat down and the police constable put the great
02:39coat on.
02:39And he went back to the station.
02:41And the station officer looked at him.
02:42He said, how long have you been a sergeant?
02:54Fellow died, went up to the pearly gates.
02:56He knocked on the pearly...
02:57Knock, knock.
02:57Knock.
02:58Knock, knock.
03:00Knock, knock.
03:01I'll do a burn of money.
03:02Knock, knock.
03:05So Peter opened the gate.
03:05He said, who are you?
03:06He said, I'm Harold Smith.
03:09He said, are you?
03:10He said, you're not due here today.
03:12He said, I haven't got you on my list.
03:14He said, well, he said, I'm here, aren't I?
03:16He said, well, what do you, what do you do for a living?
03:17He said, well, I'm a scrap metal merchant.
03:19He said, well, just a minute, I'll check.
03:21He shut off to see, you know.
03:26And when he got back,
03:27the bloody gates had gone.
03:41The bloody gates had gone.
03:42I got pulled by the police last week in my car.
03:44I was like, get out of your car,
03:46blow under this bag.
03:47I said, well, your chip's too hot.
03:53Then he got nasty.
03:54So I grabbed his fist with my neck.
03:58And I pushed him all over the police station like that.
04:02Next day I'm up before the judge.
04:05His alarm clock had broke.
04:10This judge had no teeth.
04:12He was called Justice Gums.
04:18And the first case was a Pakistani been caught riding his bike on the pavement.
04:23So the judge put the black cap on for sentence.
04:29He said, Pakistani, you were caught riding your bike on the pavement.
04:33Obviously, you're a psychopath.
04:41And the game was suspended sentence.
04:44They hung him.
04:51Then this skinhead come in, this skinhead come in.
04:55Breaking into Timothy Whites, the chemist.
04:57She said, ah, skinhead.
05:00Didn't know his first name.
05:04You're charged with breaking into Timothy Whites.
05:07Why?
05:07He said, I don't want to bother, Boots.
05:16The nearest fellow, he's up for stealing a car.
05:19He said, ah.
05:22Yes.
05:23Are you the defendant?
05:24He said, no, no, no.
05:25I've got a lawyer to defend me.
05:31I'm the one who stole the car.
05:35I like that, you know.
05:36Never mind.
05:38All right.
05:41Murphy's walking down the street.
05:42He's got two hand grenades tattooed on his chest.
05:45And two hand grenades hanging out of the tattoos.
05:49And Casey says to him, what are you doing with the hand grenades?
05:51Oh, Murphy says, it's that fella hunting.
05:52And every time I see him, he's always slapping me on the chest
05:54and asking me how I'm doing.
05:55Next time he does it, he'll blow his bloody hand off.
06:06Terrible kleptomaniac Murphy.
06:07He was in a store the other day.
06:08One of these ladies shops.
06:09He walked up to the lingerie department.
06:14What's it called?
06:15The lingerie department.
06:16That's the place, you know.
06:17The knicker counter.
06:18You know what I'm talking about, don't you?
06:19For God's sake.
06:20Don't be going posh on me.
06:22And he nixed 24 dozen pairs of ladies unmentionables
06:25and stuck them down the front of his shirt.
06:28And the shop detective saw him and he says,
06:29arrest that man with a chest of drawers.
06:31Ha, much problem.
06:32Ha, ha, ha.
06:34Ha, ha, ha.
06:34Ha, ha, ha.
06:35Ha, ha, ha.
06:37Well, I'm daft jokes, you know.
06:38A fella walking along Blackpool limping.
06:40His mate said, Mick, what's the matter with your foot?
06:41Your leg?
06:43He said, me dog bitters.
06:45He said, when did you get destroyed?
06:46He said, don't gonna walk on one leg.
06:53You see, Georgie Best said, he's not playing football anymore.
06:56He signed it for Everton.
07:04Do you know, ladies and gentlemen,
07:05the police have got a new colour for the cars now.
07:08Shrubbery.
07:12This is true.
07:13I was driving here today in a dirty big forest pool alongside me.
07:17And a big six foot twelve tree got out.
07:20With stripes on his branches.
07:21I felt like a dog, it's terrible.
07:23But you know...
07:27Have you noticed how very kind, very considerate,
07:29and very helpful the police are?
07:31They all sort of sit in the police cars, on the alert,
07:33sort of always ready to help,
07:35always on the alert, kind of hidden behind a bush.
07:40Or in a dark, secluded lay-by,
07:41waiting for a poor innocent driver to come along so they can book him.
07:44And if there's anything here today, I'm only kidding.
07:47And the conversation in the police car goes something like this.
07:50He says, you're all right, Jack?
07:53I've got this stretch for the past five years,
07:54and I know it like the back of my hand.
07:55We'll get one, sit tight.
07:56Don't you worry.
07:58And just then, there stood a little old A35
08:00when trickling past the front of the lay-by.
08:03Johnny Hamp.
08:05The policeman turned to his mate, he said,
08:06that's our man.
08:07He said, get after him.
08:08So they pulled out behind this A35,
08:10and do you know, he was travelling down the road,
08:11a foot from the curb, thirty man an hour.
08:13He came to a zebra crossing,
08:15stopped at the zebra crossing,
08:16let the people across,
08:17gave the lollipop man a wave,
08:19pulled away in first gear, second gear,
08:21third gear into top,
08:22foot from the curb, thirty man an hour.
08:24Came to a satellite, stopped on red,
08:26didn't go in amber, wedded for green.
08:28Gently pulled away in first gear, second gear,
08:30third gear into top,
08:31a foot from the curb, thirty man an hour.
08:33Came to a roundabout,
08:34indicated left,
08:35went round and roundabout in third gear,
08:36knocked his indicated off,
08:37into top, straight ahead,
08:39foot from the curb, thirty man an hour.
08:41Came to a corner,
08:42decided to turn right,
08:43so he looked in his mirror,
08:44indicated and pulled to the crown of the road.
08:46Now he stopped there,
08:47and he kept by the law,
08:48and he waited till the law was clear.
08:49Then he went round the corner in first gear,
08:51second gear, third gear into top,
08:52a foot from the curb, thirty man an hour.
08:55Police are still behind him.
08:57Keep with him Jack.
09:01He'll do something wrong in a minute,
09:02you mark my words.
09:03Oh!
09:04One mile over thirty will have him,
09:06stick with him.
09:06Don't switch his sign,
09:07or he'll see us,
09:08stick with him.
09:09Meanwhile, this little A35,
09:10continued to proceed down the road,
09:12a foot from the curb,
09:12thirty man an hour,
09:13and by this time,
09:14he'd come to another zebra crossing.
09:15So he stopped at the zebra crossing,
09:17let the people across,
09:18the kids, the prams,
09:19Batman.
09:22Gives the lollipop man a wave,
09:24picked Squawk up,
09:25pulled away in first gear,
09:27second gear,
09:27third gear into top,
09:28a foot from the curb,
09:28thirty man an hour.
09:29Am I boring you by the way?
09:31Up a humpback bridge,
09:32down to the other side,
09:33a foot from the curb,
09:33thirty man an hour.
09:34And the policeman turned to his mate,
09:35and he said,
09:35Pull him in Jack,
09:36he's too good for us.
09:41I'm not kidding you,
09:42this police car was in front of this A35
09:44in a flash.
09:45The policeman got out,
09:46he walked over,
09:46he said,
09:46Good evening sir.
09:48He said,
09:48you realise my colleague and I
09:49have been following you for the past few miles?
09:51And he said,
09:52Do you know?
09:52You've been travelling down the road,
09:53foot from the going through Dillon,
09:53now you're going to be seven of the cross,
09:54and stop and seven of the cross,
09:55and then the people across,
09:55still out a little bit of the way,
09:56pull away in first gear,
09:56and second gear,
09:56and then they're going to go through Dillon,
09:58now you're going to run about,
10:01and then they're going to run about,
10:02and then you're going to be started out,
10:04and he said,
10:05right look to the mid,
10:05and then you're going to pull through the ground,
10:06and you'll stop,
10:06and he said,
10:07he said,
10:11My morning, you by the way, up a humpback room, down the other side.
10:14He said, I'm fucking that girl.
10:16See you later now.
10:19We've been following you.
10:20He said, how do you do it?
10:21The fellow got out of the car and he said, you've got to be careful when you've had a few.
13:50On the way back, the lights go out.
13:52Wallop.
13:52Power cut.
13:53They get in the house.
13:54She went, quick.
13:55First thing we need, first thing we need is boiling water.
13:57Plenty of boiling water.
13:58So he boils a lot of water up.
13:59She went, now go outside.
14:00We've got no light.
14:01Get on your bike.
14:02Pedal your bike as fast as you can and prop it up so we get plenty of light shining in
14:05the
14:05window.
14:08And the light was flickering away like a lunatic.
14:11She come out half hour late.
14:12He said, here, you've got a lovely bouncing baby boy.
14:14He said, it ain't over yet.
14:16Keep pedaling.
14:17Keep pedaling.
14:18Weee.
14:18Weee.
14:20She come out 20 minutes later.
14:21You've got twins.
14:22Twins.
14:23But it ain't over yet.
14:24Keep pedaling.
14:24Keep pedaling.
14:26Weee.
14:28Come out of now, ladies.
14:29You've got four.
14:30Beautiful.
14:30Four of them.
14:31But it ain't over yet.
14:32Keep pedaling.
14:33Keep pedaling.
14:34Weee.
14:35And the light kept flickering in the window.
14:37It ain't over yet.
14:38You've got five.
14:39Now you've got five.
14:39But keep it.
14:40He said, do you think it's the light that's attracted them?
14:51I've got Mary laughing so we're all right.
14:54Is that the suit?
14:56Is that the suit?
14:56No suit.
14:57Dead unlucky me.
14:58More two pair of trousers burnt all in a coat.
15:07French woman in hospital in the maternity ward.
15:10She turned to the woman in the next bed.
15:11She said, parley-vous francais?
15:13She said, no.
15:14Chevrolet coupe on the road to Blackpool.
15:26Little lad on Withershaw Estate.
15:28Went to the grocers.
15:30He said, can I have a tin of milk for me mum?
15:32He said, for your mother, anything for your mother.
15:37Good woman, your mother.
15:39Your father, nothing.
15:41Nothing.
15:42But your mother?
15:43She said, belter.
15:45Tin of milk.
15:47There you are, son.
15:48He said, we've got no tin of milk.
15:50Would you open the milk for us?
15:51My mum said.
15:51He said, for your mother.
15:54Anything, son.
15:55And he said.
15:59My heart's on.
16:00For your mother.
16:01Your father?
16:02Nothing.
16:02Nothing.
16:04He said, my dad said, if we can't have ten woodbines on the book while Monday, we don't
16:07want the milk.
16:08The milk.
16:17The milk.
16:20The milk.
16:25The milk.
16:29The milk.
16:29One of the milk.
16:30One of these old chimers.
16:30You know, these old chimers.
16:31Ding dong.
16:34She got it and she unwrapped it and put it up, you see, and her husband came home and
16:36said, Mary, did the old chimers come?
16:38She said, it's funny.
16:38She said, why?
16:39She said, it doesn't go ding dong.
16:42It goes.
16:53I'll have the cigarette coupons blocking me now, won't I?
16:56Terrible people.
16:57See that?
16:58Joe Mercer, the reason why he's left City.
17:00Tell you the reason.
17:00It's unofficial, of course.
17:02Malcolm Allison collapsed last week during training and Mercer had to give him the kiss
17:06of the life.
17:09He fell in.
17:18That's why this fella talked to me.
17:19He said, can you count Pat?
17:20He said, I can now.
17:22One, two, three, four, five.
17:24He said, it's fantastic.
17:25Can you count in the hire?
17:26Oh, he said, he can now.
17:28One, two, three, four.
17:35a fellow went to a pet shop
17:36he said, I want a budgie
17:37Felisa, it's no good having one
17:38you've got to have two
17:39sorry, two
17:41so he got a little green one
17:42and a little blue one
17:43put him in the cage
17:44went upstairs to bed
17:46three o'clock in the morning
17:47he hears it
17:49one's down
17:50the green one, dead
17:52little blue one
17:52standing there like that
17:57shit, it's a killer
17:59goes back to the shop
18:00he said, here
18:00that blue one's done the green one
18:02it's a nasty little budgie
18:07looks like you want to frighten it
18:08I've got a parrot here
18:09stick that in
18:09parrot, that will do it
18:11puts the parrot in
18:12goes upstairs to bed
18:13three o'clock in the morning
18:15runs down
18:16parrot, dead
18:18little blue budgie
18:22little claws
18:55little blue budgie
18:58he's standing there
18:58with not a feather on him
19:00he looked up at the bloke
19:01he said, here
19:01I had to take my coat off
19:02to that one, didn't I?
19:13well I've just come back from Africa
19:14now there's a place, Africa
19:15when I was out there
19:17I saw a very unusual sight
19:18this huge African
19:19was going down to Zambezi
19:21in his war canoe
19:22with all the feathers
19:22and he was singing
19:23happy to himself
19:24in his canoe
19:31all of a sudden
19:32he saw this log
19:33blocking the river
19:37he climbed back in the canoe
19:45and he can tell you
19:46and he can tell you to sing
19:47hee-la-ma-ho-la-ma-hee-la
19:55I was on the train
19:56going to London
19:56the other week
19:57with my pal
19:58Tommy he's called
19:59and he was fast asleep
19:59in the corner
20:00with a carriage blind drunk
20:01what nice colic he had
20:05ticket collector came in
20:07I said, are we far off London?
20:08he said, 72 miles
20:10Tommy looked up
20:10he said, 72 miles
20:12who the hell ordered them?
20:21we had some fun with him in London
20:23I found him one night in London
20:24quarter to twelve midnight
20:26blind drunk
20:27crawling up the escalator
20:28at Piccadilly Underground
20:30tube station
20:30I said, where have you been?
20:32he says, I've been in that fella's cellar
20:36I said, what was it like?
20:37he says, he hasn't half got
20:38a smashing train set
20:45we'd have gone home
20:46on the underground ourselves
20:47except for that stupid notice
20:49they've got up
20:49dogs must be carried
20:51as Tommy says
20:52where the hell
20:53can you get a dog
20:53at that time of night?
21:02we never bothered
21:03we walked home
21:04along the railway line
21:06train came behind
21:07as I got out of the way
21:08he didn't
21:09put his flat on his back
21:10I said, speak to me
21:11are you alright?
21:12he says, of course
21:12I'm alright
21:14well, there's no sense
21:15there's no feeling
21:17I said, well why didn't you
21:18run up the embankment
21:19when you heard the train come in?
21:20he says, it beat me on the flat
21:21I'd have had no chance
21:22uphill
21:29he likes his beer
21:30he went home sober once
21:31and the dog attacked him
21:36it was a funny night that
21:37it wasn't until he went home sober
21:39that his wife knew he drank
21:44he always makes me laugh
21:45when he tells me about
21:46during the war
21:47he tried to get out of the army
21:48by saying he couldn't see properly
21:50at his medical
21:50they said, read the letters
21:52on that wall
21:52and he went, what wall?
21:56and he got away with it
21:57and that night
21:58he's on the back row
21:59of the pictures
21:59watching the film
22:00and the medical officer
22:01who'd examined him
22:02was sat next to him
22:03and quick as a flash
22:04Tommy looked at him
22:05he says, am I on the right bus
22:07for Preston?
22:12he went though
22:13in the end
22:13he did his bit
22:14they said, you've got to go out
22:15to Singapore
22:15and fight the Japanese
22:16he said, they'd be no good at that
22:18he said, I can't tell the difference
22:19between Japanese and Chinese
22:21he says, they all look alike to me
22:22he said, we're fighting the Japanese
22:24and the Chinese are on our side
22:26how will I know the difference?
22:27he said, it's dead easy
22:28when you're in the trenches
22:29all you've got to do
22:30is take your socks off
22:32roll them into a ball
22:33and throw them
22:34into the enemy lines
22:36he said, if they juggle with them
22:37the Japanese
22:38if they wash them
22:38and sling them back
22:39the Chinese
22:47one-armed fisherman
22:48fishing on the banks
22:49at the Mersey
22:55the fellow comes and says
22:56excuse me
22:56he said, I've been watching you
22:57for half an hour
22:58he said
22:59it's fantastic
22:59he said, how do you manage
23:00to fish with one arm?
23:02he said, well it's a lightweight rod
23:03this, he said
23:04and a special reel
23:06he said, how do you put the bait on?
23:09he said, well I'll put the maggot
23:10in my mouth
23:13put the hook on
23:15there you go
23:16he said
23:17special
23:21how's that?
23:23the fellow said
23:24it's fantastic
23:25he said, does he catch many?
23:26catch many?
23:27he said, I caught one up big last week
23:39the comedians tonight were
23:42Pat Mooney
23:43Jim Bowen
23:44Jimmy Marshall
23:45George Roper
23:47Russ Roberts
23:48Bernard Manning
23:50Mike Reed
23:51Jerry Harris
23:53and Colin Brompton
23:57sayč«
23:59Gordon
23:59thanks so much about that
24:00yeah
24:01thanks so muchu'i
24:12I know
24:15and all
24:16tonight
24:18you
24:19can't
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