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00:01Ladies and gentlemen, it's The Comedians!
00:33Jaime Goldberg says to his wife, Becky, it's your birthday, what do you want for your
00:38birthday? Nice mink coat? Something like that? She says, now, I'm 67 now, she said, what do
00:47I want with a mink coat? Tell you what I'd like, she says, purchase me a nice shady place
00:54in the cemetery, a nice place. He bought her this wonderful place in the cemetery, and
01:02the year after, she was 68, she says, Jaime, what are you buying for me birthday this year?
01:08She says, nothing, you never used last year's present.
01:17Little Jewish boy in school, Abe, the teacher said to him, Abe, what's two and two? He said,
01:21are you buying or selling? Two astronauts landed on the moon, knocked at this little hut on
01:30the moon. Little Yiddish fellow came to the door, Yammel Keon, tape measure, full of chalk.
01:38He says, yes, what do you want? He said, we're two astronauts. He said, I don't want astronauts,
01:42I'm looking for buttonholes and presses.
01:51The Americans said, on our next space flight, we're going to go to Mars. And the Russians
01:56said, on our next space flight, we're going to go to Jupiter. The Irishman said, on our
02:02first space flight, we're going to go to the sun. He says, but pardon me, won't you get
02:08all burnt up? He said, no, sir, we're going up at night.
02:17A load of bloody rubbish there, isn't it? Liverpool dock had died after 50 years on the docks.
02:23Died after 50, he'd been working on the docks 50 years. And all he did was shift cotton from
02:27one dock to the other. All he did was brush cotton up. When he died there, the lads had
02:33a whip round for him. And they bought him a headstone, and on this it says, John's gone,
02:37but not forgotten.
02:45Not forgotten.
02:48A fella said to his mate, he said, I'm having awful dreams, he said, a dream about all little
02:52crawly green things. He said, do you? He said, all funny, crawly green things. He said, have
02:58you seen the doctor? He said, no, only little crawly green things.
03:06I like subtle jokes. Like, my cousin was working in Harley Street, working in Harley
03:12Street, and he's digging roads up, you see. And the machine slipped and cut his hand off.
03:18And he dropped it in a brown paper bag and rushed up Harley Street. And he went in the
03:21first doctors, a big posh doctor, and he said, I've just had an accident, cut my hand off.
03:25How much to stitch it back on? And he said, 500 pounds. And he said, that's too much, I can't
03:30afford it. And he put it back in the bag, and he run round the back, and went into this
03:34little tatty doctor's. And he said, how much to stitch my hand back on? I've just had an
03:38accident. And this doctor said, five pounds. And he said, well, get on with it. And he did
03:42it. And he said, look at that, five pounds to stitch my hand back. There's a fellow around
03:46there who wants 500 quid. He said, if that's posh doctors, they can go on, whoops.
03:58I love the football, though, do you? I love my football fan. This fellow goes to heaven,
04:03and St. Peter said, you can't come in here unless you've done something impossible. Name
04:07it. Name it, I'll do it. He said, right, there's a bucket and spade. There's the ocean.
04:13Once you go down there, and put all the sand from the bottom of the ocean in that bucket
04:17and spade, and bring it back up. He said, that's impossible. He said, well, give us
04:23another go. Give us another go. He said, right, down there. Manchester City are playing
04:27Manchester United. Once you go down there, and help Manchester United beat Manchester
04:32City. He said, give us the bucket and spade.
04:41The fellow woke up one morning, he's got a little pimple on his head. He thought, hello,
04:44that's funny. The following morning after that, the pimple was a bump. He thought, hello,
04:49that's funny. The morning after that, the pimple started to sprout legs. The morning after
04:52that, he was sprouting arms. The morning after that, he's got a frog sitting on his head.
04:56He thought, hello, that's funny. He put a top out and went, he's bursting at the doctor's
05:01duck. Duck, duck, I'm in trouble, duck. He said, what's the matter, son? He said, have
05:05a look at this. Took his head off and the frog was sitting on his head. Doctor said, my God,
05:09how did this all begin? And the frog said, well, it all began with his pimple on my bum,
05:13see?
05:24So the trainer said to the jockey, now listen very, very carefully. This is an eight furlong
05:28race. At the start of the eight furlong, give the horse its head, and nobody will pass you.
05:33Absolutely nobody. And with that, he put his hand in his pocket and he gave the horse something.
05:37And the Duke of Norfolk was stood right behind him. And he said, I saw that, my man.
05:41You gave that horse a get up and go pill. He said, I didn't, you dukeship.
05:48It was sugar. Honestly, it was sugar. Look, have a piece yourself and I'll have a piece.
05:51And the Duke of Norfolk went, mmm. He said, I beg your pardon. It is sugar.
05:56Do accept my apologies. And he walked away. So the trainer said to the jockey, now you know
06:00what I told you. This is an eight furlong race. Hold the horse back for seven furlongs.
06:04At the start of the eight furlong, give the horse its head. And nobody will pass you.
06:08Absolutely nobody. And if anybody does, don't worry. It'll either be me or the Duke of Norfolk.
06:23The fellow wants to say it's a coincidence. He said, he says, I think I'm a race horse.
06:28He said, well, I can kill you, but it'll cost a lot of money. He said, money's no object.
06:34I've just won my grandmaster.
06:41We have a lunatic asylum about three fields away from our village.
06:44And I rang them the other day. I said, hello, is that the asylum?
06:46And the fellow said, yes, but we're not on the phone. Click.
06:53I arrived at the asylum. There was a fellow on the lawn. He was doing this.
06:56I said, what are you doing? He said, I'm rowing a boat.
06:59I said, there's no boat there. He said, good God.
07:10The fellow woke up after operation. The doctor said, we've saved your eyes.
07:12He says, thanks very much. He said, we'll give him you on your way out.
07:20Di won 40,000 quid on the pools. Him and Yanto shared it.
07:24Yanto said, what are you going to do, Di? He says, I'm going to buy a farm.
07:26I love animals. He said, it's no good to you. He says, you're not cruel.
07:30He says, you love everything that's living. He said, you've got to kill cattle, fowls.
07:35He said, you can't kill.
07:37He said, what are you going to do? He said, I'm going to go to the Bahamas.
07:39They hadn't seen each other for about two years.
07:42So Yanto decides to come back and have a look at Di's farm.
07:45He's walking around the yard. He said, this pig passes him with a wooden leg.
07:52He said, what's that, Di?
07:54Well, he said, we felt like a leg of pork for Christmas, he said.
07:59And I didn't have the heart to kill it.
08:03Like my army days, this is very, very similar to the army barracks.
08:08Army barracks, fella comes in, sergeant's sitting down at the desk right on the way there.
08:11He said, name? He said, uh, Davis.
08:15Davis.
08:16What do you do for a living, son?
08:18He said, I puff.
08:22Huh?
08:24Puff.
08:26What do you mean a puff?
08:29Well, he said, I work in a candle factory, like, puffing out.
08:35Puffing out, I'm a tester, puff.
08:40Next, what's your name?
08:41Jenkins, sergeant.
08:42Jenkins.
08:43What do you do for a living?
08:45Puff.
08:49Candle factory?
08:51No, no, no, no, he says, I work in a balloon factory.
08:55Puffing up the balloons.
08:59It's a British army coming through these days, I don't know.
09:04Next, what's your name?
09:06Mackay.
09:12What do you do for a living, son?
09:17Puff.
09:21Candle or balloon?
09:25Nothing, sergeant, I'm the real McCoy.
09:35How's this quick, quick?
09:37What's this?
09:38Mother, I'm 16 now.
09:40Can I wear a bra?
09:41No, you can't, Tommy.
09:48Two of the others in a fairground.
09:50Pops.
09:53Once said, kid, do you fancy going on a rollercoaster?
09:56He says, no, I don't know.
10:00It makes me sick in there, no.
10:03He said, well, do you fancy going on the ghost train?
10:05He said, no, no, no, it makes me sick in there in the dark, I don't trust you, no.
10:09He said, well, I go on my own, I'm both of them in there.
10:12He comes off, he said, do you fancy going on the aeroplanes?
10:15He said, going round and round, it makes me sick, no.
10:17He said, well, I go on my own and he's going around.
10:21The aeroplane snaps right off into a field.
10:24The other fellow goes running over, how you here?
10:26He said, I've caught a bit.
10:28Seven times I went round, you never waved once.
12:40Father said to his little son the other week, he said,
12:42now listen, isn't it about time we had a talk about the facts of life?
12:46The lad said, what do you want to know, Dad?
12:52It's all clean now, isn't it?
12:54The fellow rushed into the dentist and as well as he said,
12:56excuse me, he said, can you deal with an emergency?
12:59He said, not today.
13:00He said, oh, well, please yourself.
13:03He said, your waiting room's on fire.
13:11Little boy, little boy, he's in school, the teacher's saying, you know, the alphabet.
13:15He said, now, Tommy, what comes after tea?
13:17He said, a six o'clock news.
13:25I like going in shops and places, teasing people.
13:28I do, I have some for me.
13:30I went into this photographer's shop and I said to him, do you do life-size enlargements?
13:35He said, I do.
13:35I said, well, here's a snap of Mount Everest.
13:42Do you get it, eh?
13:43Here's a snap of Mount Everest.
13:47A little girl told me a good gag the other day, she said.
13:50She said, what would you do if you got charged by a herd of wild elephants?
13:54I said, I don't know.
13:56What would you do?
13:57She said, jump into the nearest phone box and dial trunk and reverse a charge.
14:01Ah!
14:07Too good for this place, aren't I?
14:11And this woman rang up the doctor.
14:13She said, doctor, come quick, because my husband swallowed a mouse.
14:16What should I do?
14:17He said, well, you'd better get a piece of string and a piece of cheese and put it on the
14:25end
14:25and just hang it in front of his mouth while I get there.
14:30So she said, all right.
14:31And when he got there, he walked in and she got this kipper on the end of a piece of
14:36string.
14:38He said, I said, a piece of cheese.
14:40She said, I will when I get the casser out.
14:43Oh!
14:50Well, the Irish fire bobbies went to a fire.
14:53And the head man said, hang on, lads.
14:55Let it burn up and we'll see what we're doing.
15:00All that, all that.
15:02There's two fellas in the pub.
15:03Well, I said, I'm fed up.
15:04He said, what's wrong?
15:05He said, our dog keeps digging holes in the garden.
15:07He said, I had one like that.
15:08I stopped it.
15:08He said, did you?
15:09He said, yeah, I hid the shovel.
15:15There's a woman who goes to the corp and she buys six eggs.
15:18And she goes home, she opens the eggs.
15:19There's nothing in them.
15:20Takes them out and says, there's nothing in the eggs.
15:22He said, you joke.
15:22He said, no.
15:23So he picks another six and he opens them.
15:24There's nothing in them.
15:25He gets his shotgun.
15:26He goes out the hen house.
15:27He said, OK, who's on the pill?
15:32I'm glad you're nice, because I don't usually get nice audiences, me.
15:39I'm usually all drunk when I come on.
15:44No, I'm known as the unluckiest fella in show business, me.
15:48Everything always goes wrong for me.
15:51It does.
15:53If I buy treats, milk chocolates, they melt in me.
16:00If I buy polo, mince the holes on the outside.
16:08It's always going wrong for me.
16:12Do it with her.
16:15I think she'll know.
16:18Started when I was a little lad going wrong for me.
16:21Do it.
16:23Not to laugh at.
16:25My parents bought me a rocking horse and it died.
16:34So they bought me a pet duck and it sank.
16:44Oh, my family's unlucky.
16:47I've got an uncle who died because he was unlucky.
16:50No, he didn't.
16:51He borrowed a horse and cart off our local vicar.
16:54And he got on this horse and cart and it wouldn't move.
16:56So he went back to the vicar.
16:58He said, this horse won't go.
17:00And the vicar said, well, it's because it's a religious horse.
17:02If you want it to go, you have to shout, good heavens, and it goes.
17:06And he said, if you want it to stop, you shout, amen, and it stops.
17:11So he went and he jumped on this horse and cart and he shouted, good heavens!
17:14And it went, vroom, like that, right to the edge of a cliff.
17:19And he'd forgotten the words to stop it.
17:24And then he remembered at the last minute and he shouted, amen!
17:27And it stopped dead, right on the edge of a cliff, just like that.
17:30And he stood up on this horse and cart and he looked over and he said, good heavens!
17:43We used to, like, on a Sunday afternoon, I've got this mate of mine.
17:46He used to go out and he used to drive all the way around Derbyshire.
17:50Beautiful place, Derbyshire.
17:51And they have all these, the Blue John mines.
17:53And about 7.30, one evening, he drove outside this pub.
17:56And this car park of this pub was absolutely packed, chock-a-block with cars.
18:00So he thought, there's supposed to be somebody in there.
18:02So he parked his car and he went into the lounge.
18:04And it was empty, not just all in.
18:06So he said to the landlord, he said, excuse me, your car park is absolutely full.
18:10And there's nobody here, where's everybody gone?
18:12And the landlord said, well, it wasn't him.
18:20He said, well, you've picked a very special night tonight, you know.
18:23Because tonight in Derbyshire is, oh, oh, night.
18:28He said, it's what?
18:29He said, tonight is, oh, oh, night.
18:33So he said, well, I am really a stranger in this particular public house.
18:36He said, what exactly happens on, oh, oh, night?
18:41The landlord said, well, he said, all the women arrive early.
18:44And they park their cars in the car park.
18:46And they come in and they have a few large gin and tonics.
18:49And then they go out and they look around all the Blue John mines in the caves of Derbyshire.
18:52And they just sit in there and they just wait only about 20 minutes because the men arrive and they
18:57have two or three large scotch and a pint of beautiful bitter beer.
19:01And they dash out feeling as fruity as a spangle.
19:05And they run up to the edge of, oh, they look all around the Blue, but they don't go in.
19:08They look all around the caves, but they don't.
19:10They just stand on the edge and they go, oh, oh.
19:13And they listen from the inside.
19:14They're waiting for, oh, oh.
19:16And if they hear that, they know they're all right.
19:18They know there's a girl in there.
19:19So this friend of mine thought, I'll have a bash of that.
19:21So he downed his scotch and he downed his bitter and he ran like Billy to the edge of the
19:24first cave.
19:24And he stood there and he said, oh, oh.
19:28And he listened.
19:29Nothing.
19:30Not a titter.
19:32And he went to the second one and he went, oh, oh.
19:36Nothing.
19:36He went to the third one and he thought he'd change his tune and he went, oh, oh.
19:41Oh, oh.
19:44Nothing.
19:44He went on for eight caves and he stood there in the end and he's in desperation because the effects
19:49of the beer was wearing off.
19:50And he went, oh, oh.
19:54And he heard it from inside.
19:56The magic noise went, oh, oh.
19:58He just dashed in.
19:59He ran straight, as quick as he could to face this girl.
20:01He got run off with the train.
20:13He's as bad as a chap in France years ago when he used to have the guillotine.
20:17This fellow was just going to get his head cut off.
20:19He just went, oh.
20:21And suddenly this fellow walked up to him and said, excuse me, there's an important letter.
20:23It says urgent on it.
20:24He said, put it in the basket.
20:25I'll read it later.
20:30Two fellows died.
20:31One went to heaven, one went to hell.
20:33Two weeks later, they'd met in the supermarket doing the shopping in the middle.
20:36Tesco's get everywhere.
20:39One up there, said the one down here.
20:41What's it like down here, Bill?
20:42He said, terrific, terrific.
20:44He said, pubs, betting shops, beautiful birds.
20:48He said, that.
20:48You go in a pub, have a drink, don't pay nothing.
20:50Go in a betting shop, have a bet.
20:51If you lose, you don't pay nothing.
20:53If you win, you draw the money and the women, oh, they're out of this world.
20:57He said, what's it like up there?
20:59He said, terrible.
21:02Rotten it is.
21:04All day long washing up.
21:06Wiping up.
21:08Making the beds.
21:10Polishing the gates.
21:11He said, what is that?
21:12I'm the only one up here.
21:18Well, I don't know, aren't you?
21:23Oh, hey, hey, have a minute.
21:26Now, do you know, this is true, this is true now.
21:29Because I don't cut on, you know, I'm a truthful fellow.
21:32I'm not like them others, you know.
21:38I'm good, aren't I, me?
21:42Now, this is true, though.
21:43Now, there were two tramps, you know, and they were talking.
21:46And one said to us, he says, are they hungry, old?
21:48He said, I am, lad.
21:49He said, well, could they eat?
21:51He said, ah, I could eat tabletop.
21:54He said, well, I'll show you how to get some snap.
21:57He said, well, how are we going to get it?
21:59He says, watch this.
22:00So he bent down and he picked a lump of Osmo cup.
22:05He said, what are you going to do?
22:06He says, just watch this.
22:07So he knocked on this door and this woman, he says, could you put me a bit of salt on
22:11this?
22:16She said, throw it away and come in.
22:19And she gave him her eight slap up do, than us.
22:22Five coarser.
22:22He says, what's the reckon of that?
22:23He said, very good, old fruit.
22:25Very nice.
22:27So he thought, I'll work a flanker.
22:30So he went and he picked a lump of Osmo manure up, you know.
22:33And he went to this big mansion.
22:34He thought, bigger house, mansion.
22:36I shall get a better meal, see.
22:38So he ranked bell.
22:40And her ladyship answered, yes, my good man.
22:43He said, could you put me a bit of salt on this?
22:47And she said, oh, how revolting.
22:50She said, throw it away and go around to the stables and get a warm piece.
23:23Ha ha ha!
23:24Ken Goodwin, Mike Burton, Dougie Brown, Charlie Williams and Chefs Banjo Boys.
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