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00:02Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Comedian!
00:34A fellow walks in and he says, I want to divorce my wife to the solicitor.
00:37He says, why? He says, she's a one-armed bandit fanatic.
00:40She plays those Bell fruit machines all the blooming time.
00:43He says, and in the middle of the night, he says, I wake up and...
00:49He says, my arm's nearly broken and I finish up with a mouth full of tanners.
00:56I took her away ahead of me there.
01:00The old doctor and the young doctor were visiting the area, you see.
01:04So the old doctor says, well, now, just watch what I do.
01:06So he goes in and he says, well, good morning, Mrs Flanagan.
01:09And he says, he bent down to tie his lace and he says, now, if I were you, I'd cut
01:13down on the cigarettes.
01:14So when he came out to the young doctor, he says, how did you know about that?
01:16He says, when I bent down to tie my lace, he says, I look under the bed, I see a
01:20nice tray full of fags.
01:22He goes into the next one and he says, well, how do you do, Mrs O'Reilly?
01:25And he bent down to tie his lace and he says, if I were you, I'd keep off the liquor,
01:29it's not good for you, it's not doing you any good.
01:31He says, the young doctor says, how did you know that?
01:33He says, well, when I bent down to look under the bed, there was a whole load of bottles, whiskey
01:37bottles, porter bottles, beer bottles.
01:40So he comes out and the young fella says, I'll try the next one.
01:43So he went in, bent down to tie his lace and he says, I wouldn't worry about the fairs going
01:48up, it won't affect you a lot.
01:50So the doctor says, why did you say that? He said, there was a bus conductor under the bed.
02:00A fella going through the graveyard, him and his mate, two Irish fellas going through the graveyard.
02:04And there's a, you know the way the tombstones slant over the time, over ages, you know the way they
02:09slant over time?
02:11I was leaning over.
02:13So that one of the relatives must have put some wire around it and tied it to a tree.
02:16Try and keep it upright.
02:18And the two of them were walking past the one and said, gee, isn't that where old George is buried?
02:22And he said, it is now, it is.
02:24He said, he's doing well, he's got a phone in.
02:35A woman's husband comes home and he's drunk every night.
02:37He falls through the hall every night, through the door, into the hall, staggers upstairs,
02:41he gets fed up with this.
02:42Month after month, he comes home drunk.
02:44So she said, blow him.
02:44She said, I'm going out.
02:46He ate his wine, Lodge.
02:49Picks this big West Indian fellow.
02:51She said, you can come home with me.
02:53She said, you did right on it.
02:57Good, didn't it?
02:59Sounded like Jolly with him today, didn't it?
03:02Okay, flower.
03:05So she took him home, you see, and they get into bed, and...
03:09About past nine, ten o'clock, bang, the door.
03:11He falls in the hall.
03:12The husband, she said, who's that there?
03:18She said, don't worry, it's him.
03:19You wouldn't know when I was just falling drunk.
03:21Taking a notice.
03:23So he footsteps up the stairs, takes his trousers off.
03:27Takes his shirt off.
03:29Still got his wellies on.
03:33Takes his wellies off and gets into bed, and he's thumbing around, and she says,
03:36Mary, is there a couple of pair of feet in here that shouldn't be?
03:41She said, you get to sleep, you drunken old...
03:43Get to sleep.
03:45Mary.
03:47I'm sure there's two feet in here that shouldn't be.
03:50She said, there isn't.
03:51She said, go to sleep.
03:53He said, but Mary...
03:53She said, get out and have a look.
03:55So he gets out and he wobbles around the bed, you know.
03:58Lifts the end of the bedclothes up.
04:01That's these four feet.
04:02She said, you're right, love, there's only yours and mine, but mine need a bloody good scrub.
04:11This American fellow is in Ireland, he come for a holiday in Ireland, and he got a 12-bow shotgun,
04:15went out shooting, duck shooting.
04:17And he parked his cadiddly-dack.
04:21Brand new cadiddly-dack he had.
04:22Right, he parked it right in front of this five-bar gate,
04:24and this little Irish fellow led to over there.
04:26We were just watching him.
04:26Took his 12-bow gun out.
04:28The American fellow went...
04:33Bang!
04:34And this duck went...
04:38That's sore.
04:39That's what I was thinking.
04:40Bang!
04:41And it went...
04:42Splat!
04:43Right on the floor.
04:44The Irish fellow saw this.
04:45He said, Jesus, that's a terrible waste of a bullet, that.
04:50And the American was saying, what do you mean by that?
04:52He said, well, the fall would have killed it anyway.
05:02There's two Irish lads in Blackpool stumbling down the North Pier at night-time, stoned out the reservoir.
05:07What a pale moon is rising above the green mountain.
05:15And one of them looked up and he saw the tower there,
05:17and there's three little red lights on top of Blackpool Tower.
05:19And he said, hey, Patsy, what are those three lights doing up there on top of the tower?
05:26He said, well, they're to stop the aircraft from flying into the tower, you silly fool.
05:32He said, what's the tower doing there?
05:35He said, well, how else would they get the lights up there?
05:45Pakistan, he worked on the buses for ten years.
05:48Book me in the office one morning.
05:49Good morning, sir.
05:51You remember me since nine o'clock in the morning.
05:53Never late for work.
05:55I wanted for you to give me a ten shilling rice.
05:59Well, since you've been here ten years, here's the ten shillings.
06:01Thank you very much.
06:01No, sir.
06:02But not the money.
06:03I wanted for you to make me a Yorkshireman.
06:08He said, singe, we can't do that.
06:09He said, you're a Pakistani.
06:10Come back this year.
06:10We'll have a chat.
06:11Next year he walks in.
06:12Good morning, sir.
06:13You remember me, singe?
06:14Nine o'clock in the morning.
06:15Never late for work.
06:16He said, not another penny, singe.
06:17No, sir.
06:18Not the money.
06:19I wanted for you to make me a Yorkshireman.
06:21He thinks to himself, I'll never get rid of this fella.
06:24Kneel down, singe.
06:28Gets his ruler from his desk.
06:29Taps him on each shoulder.
06:30Says, arise, singe.
06:31You are now a Yorkshireman.
06:32Oh, I didn't get rid of myself.
06:35Next morning he comes to work, I'll pass twelve.
06:39The boss said, half past twelve, singe.
06:41He said, what time do you call this?
06:43He should never believe it, sir.
06:44I couldn't get on the bus for all them bloody buggies done it.
06:55But you know, being Jewish, I went to a different school to you lot.
06:59And at your school you learned things like,
07:01Little Red Riding Hood, not us.
07:05We learned about Little Red Rosenberg.
07:10Little Red Rosenberg was walking through the woods.
07:13And she was inspired by Wolfie Goldstein.
07:17And Wolfie thought to himself,
07:19If I can get to Grandma's house,
07:21knock her on the head, nickel the diamonds,
07:23I'll get a few quid.
07:24So he goes in there,
07:26knocks her on the head,
07:27and up comes Little Red Rosenberg.
07:29Come in!
07:31Grandma Rosenberg,
07:32what big eyes you got?
07:34All the better to see you with Little Red Rosenberg.
07:37Grandma Rosenberg,
07:38what big ears you got?
07:40All the better to hear you with Little Red Rosenberg.
07:43Grandma Rosenberg,
07:44what big nose you got?
07:46What big nose I got?
07:47You can bloody talk.
07:54So this fella married this ugly woman.
07:57Oh, she was horrible.
07:58All anger.
07:59I'm not gonna go in.
07:59Eugh!
08:03Eyebrows on a light yard brushes.
08:05So his mate said,
08:06what are you married her for?
08:07Smashing singer.
08:08Lovely singer.
08:11He said,
08:11you what?
08:12Great singer.
08:15So that night in bed, she takes her makeup off.
08:21She said, Henry, for God's sake, sing us a song.
08:32There were two kids at school.
08:33They started school and they were five.
08:35And they hated each other from the word go.
08:37And they went through all the schools together,
08:39hating each other, through public school, university, the lot.
08:42And they still hated each other.
08:43And when they left, one of them went into the church
08:45and became a bishop.
08:46And the other one went in the navy and became an admiral.
08:49And they never met for about 40 years.
08:51And they were both on Euston Station in London.
08:53And the niggle was still there.
08:55They still thought about it.
08:56And the bishop went up to the admiral.
08:58He said, excuse me, porter.
09:01What time's the next train for Manchester?
09:05And the admiral looked at the bishop and he said,
09:07six o'clock, madam.
09:16Talking about the bishop, you know, when I was a kid in school,
09:18I'm a good Catholic man.
09:19When I was at school, I was only about four or five
09:21when I made my first confession.
09:23This is a true story.
09:24I'm not telling you any of that.
09:28And I came out the confessional box for the first time.
09:30And there's a woman going in.
09:31I said, don't go in here, love.
09:33There's no paper.
09:42There's one I should have told you before.
09:43There's one of the little boys telling his dad,
09:45he said, hey, dad, how come I'm this colour?
09:48This colour, dad.
09:49He said, well, that's been Africa, son.
09:51He said, you need this colour for the sun.
09:54Protects you from the rays, the sun.
09:57He said, how come I got tight curly hair, dad?
10:00He said, that's the same, son.
10:03It doesn't affect your head.
10:04This tight curly hair protects you from the sun, son.
10:08He said, why I got big, flat feet in there?
10:15He said, that's for running in the jungle, boy.
10:17You got to go fast, man.
10:18He said, if them tigers come after you,
10:20you got to run, boy.
10:22She said, why are we leaving Mossad then, Dad?
10:24That's fine.
15:24She said, all right, you can use the washing machine, son.
15:27And the son, three hours after, crying his eyes out.
15:30I said, what's wrong?
15:30He said, I've lost my washing.
15:33I said, what happened?
15:33He said, I put them in, I close the lid, I pull the chain, they've gone.
15:46One way to the doctor.
15:48As they do, don't they, love?
15:51One way to the doctor.
15:55She said, my husband thinks he's a duck.
15:58He said, why don't you tell him?
15:59She said, we need the eggs.
16:07Jim Posh.
16:08Fellow went to a restaurant, he said to the waiter, he said, what's on the menu?
16:11He said, tongue.
16:12Oh, he said, I couldn't have that.
16:13He said, I couldn't eat tongue.
16:14He said, I couldn't eat nothing out of an animal's mouth.
16:16Oh, no, he said, I couldn't.
16:17He said, get me two eggs.
16:18I couldn't.
16:26We went abroad the other week, you know, a few of us went abroad, and I always remember
16:29there was one chap on the aeroplane, he was at a bit of a, you know, some people don't
16:33get some, and he wasn't very well.
16:37And the way, she was marvellous.
16:38The woman, you know, the girl that comes up and down, the hostess, she was wonderful.
16:41She treated him for everything.
16:42You know, she put a sort of a cold compress on the bridge of his nose, and he keyed on
16:45the back of his neck, and wrapped him in a blanket, and gave him some hot, sweet tea,
16:48and sort of treated him for shock.
16:50And she said, how do you feel now?
16:51He said, oh, much better, thank you, miss.
16:53She said, anything else you want before we take off?
16:55And he said, is that gone off?
17:02We were up to the sky, it was very high, and the pilot's voice came across, said, good
17:05evening, everyone.
17:06We are flying at 35,000 feet.
17:09The fellow in front of me said, oh, my God!
17:10And the voice said, yes, my son.
17:19The fellow came home from work.
17:20He said to his wife, you know, he'd just heard a very strong rumour, and the milkman
17:24has made love to every woman in this street at set one.
17:26His wife said, I bet it's that stock-up cow at number 98.
17:35The fellow went to the doctors, he said, have you got anything to make me sweat?
17:38The doctor said, yes, I'll sign you off.
17:39Yeah.
17:44Two hens on a farmyard.
17:45One hen looked at the other and said, here comes that cross-eyed cock, let's separate
17:48or he'll miss us both.
17:53It's nice to be here, lovely.
17:54Tell them nothing, let them buy a programme.
17:56Enjoy yourself.
17:58Spinster.
17:5975 years old.
18:00Little bit worried, getting on.
18:02She thought, I'll arrange my funeral.
18:03Went to the undertaker.
18:04She said, I'd like to arrange my funeral.
18:06She said, I'm 75, I'm getting on a bit.
18:07Would you mind helping me sort it out?
18:09The undertaker said, certainly.
18:10He said, we've got monogga, mahogga, we've got oak.
18:14You can have brass, bronze, lead handles, tell them nothing, dip your bread in, anything
18:19you like.
18:20He said, now normally, he said, for a spinster, we have white lining to the coffee.
18:25And for a married lady, it's usually mauve.
18:29She said, well, I'll have a white lining, but could I have a little bit of mauve round
18:32the edges.
18:43Murphy runs into Casey, he says, Casey, what do you do with all them scratches on your
18:46face?
18:47Casey said, I'm learning to eat with a fork.
18:56Never mind, it's bad enough.
18:58Actually, Murphy, Murphy's a desperate man, he's Irish, through a friend of his father's.
19:05Desperate man for fighting, he's in a pub the other night, and he's fighting with this
19:09English fella, and the man, he says, there's no fighting in here, he says, get out to the
19:12side if you're going to fight, and fight in the car park.
19:14And he says, and if he's going to fight, he says, I wanted to finish very quickly, he
19:17says, the first one that's had enough, say, sufficient.
19:20And they're out there fighting, three hours, blood's poor enough, Murphy, this English fella
19:23eventually says, sufficient.
19:25Murphy says, thank God for that, I've been trying to think of that word for the last two
19:28hours.
19:35A fella's sitting in the train, and there's a rabbi facing him, and he says, pardon me,
19:39he says, could you tell me the time?
19:41The rabbi reading the paper never spoke.
19:42He says, pardon me, could you tell me the time?
19:45Didn't speak.
19:47Ten minutes later, he says, I think you're very rude, you didn't tell me the time.
19:51He says, listen, first of all, you ask me the time, I tell you the time.
19:55Then you say to me, where are you going?
19:57I tell you where I'm going, then you tell me where you're going.
20:01Then you ask me what I do for a living, I tell you.
20:04Then I ask you, what you're doing for a living, you tell me.
20:07Then you say, do you want to come to the dining car and have a nice cup of tea?
20:10And then I'll say, certainly.
20:12Then we start to talk.
20:13We come here and sit down.
20:14You give me your telephone number, I give you my telephone number.
20:18Then he says, you come home to my house, I've got a lovely daughter, 20 years of
20:21age.
20:22Then we start to talk.
20:23Then you ask my daughter to go out, and my daughter goes out with you, you fall in love,
20:27and then you get married.
20:28Do you think I want to marry my, do you think I want my daughter?
20:33She says, not yet, not yet.
20:35He says, do you think I want my daughter to marry a man that hasn't got a bloody watch?
20:47That's the way I tell him, isn't it?
20:50Do you know all about the bin man, 37 years, he worked on the bins in Manchester, and the
20:54welfare officer comes up and says, hey, lad, you know you haven't had a holiday in 36 years,
20:58you've worked non-stop.
20:59He said, so we're bringing you to Blackpool for the day.
21:02They brought him to Blackpool, he got out of the bus and the air was too fresh.
21:07He fainted, and I had to throw a bin full of rubbish around him to revive me.
21:18There's a chap, a dark-skinned gentleman in Blackpool, he got a long weekend holiday,
21:23and I thought, I'm wondering what I can do in my long weekend.
21:27I've been to all the sacred places in England, I've been to Birmingham, Bradford, I've been
21:32every day, what can I do on my long weekend holiday?
21:35He said, I know what I'll do, I'll go and see my mother in Pakistan.
21:41I will go and see her and say, hello, mama, I am doing well in Blackpool, I've come to
21:45see her.
21:45So I walked into the station in Blackpool, he said, I want you to go to Pakistan to see
21:49my mother, please, I would like her to train ticket.
21:51The lad says, yeah, you are.
21:55He said, I want to go to Pakistan, I want to see my mother in Pakistan, it's my long weekend
22:00holiday, I got to see her.
22:02He said, you can't get a train ticket to Pakistan from here.
22:07He said, whereabouts can I go then from here?
22:10He said, I'll get it to Manchester if you like.
22:13I go to Manchester then, he gave him a ticket to Manchester, he walked into Manchester, he
22:16said, I want to go to Pakistan to see my mother, it's my long weekend holiday.
22:21And I got to see her, could you give me a train ticket, please, to Pakistan?
22:25And I said, yeah, you what?
22:30He said, I want to go to, he said, you can't get a ticket to Pakistan from Manchester.
22:36He said, whereabouts can you take me then?
22:38I can, I'll send you to London.
22:40Well, send me to London, I go there then.
22:43He walked into Victoria Station, I want him to go to Pakistan, to see my mother, it's
22:50my long weekend off, I must see her, can I have a train ticket?
22:53The lot said, yeah, you want?
22:58You can't go to Pakistan, can't get a ticket from me, eh?
23:01Well, where can you take me?
23:02I'll send you to Paris.
23:04He said, right, send me to, oh, wrong voice.
23:06Right, send me to Paris.
23:10So he sent you to Paris, he said, I want you to go to Pakistan to see my mother on
23:16my
23:16long weekend off, please, can you give me a train ticket?
23:19The chap said, yeah, what?
23:21They're all brothers, these station masters, they all speak same.
23:25You can't get a ticket.
23:26Went all the way, went through Yugoslavia, Bulgaria, Greece, Turkey, finished up in Pakistan.
23:31He said, mother, I have come to see you, I must go now.
23:34It's my long weekend finished, I got to go back to Blackpool, I'm doing very, very well.
23:39He walked in the station in Pakistan, he said, I am wanting to go to Blackpool.
23:44I have seen my mother in Pakistan, I got to go back to Blackpool.
23:48He said, certainly, which station, north, south or central?
24:04The comedians tonight were Frank Carson, George Roper, Dougie Brown, Gerry Harris, Mike Burton, Colin Crompton, Mike Reed, Bernard Manning,
24:19Charlie Williams, Joss White, Jim Bowen, Dave Butler and Pat Mooney.
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