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00:03Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Comedians!
00:36The officer was standing and all the troops were standing there, he says,
00:39Alright lads, it was very charming. All six of them.
00:45Right lads, you have to get your injections.
00:49Pay book. Pay book.
00:55Pay book. No pay book.
01:05Mind you, all the strikes, we got this woman where l live, and she's a real smarty pants.
01:10And during the call strike, what she did, she went to night school to learn how to speak French,
01:15so she could baffle all her friends because she knew we were going in the common market.
01:18And she got a little coffee morning there, and one morning she went over to the telephone,
01:21she left up the phone, she said, Hello? Is that the curl man?
01:25Could I have five bags of curl, s'il vous plaît?
01:29See?
01:29See, we'll play in a mining village.
01:32Oh, Coleman's a bit clever, he said, Certainly madam.
01:34How do you open the delivery, cul-de-sac and a la carte?
01:45There's two magistrates, both get caught in a radar trap speeding.
01:48Two magistrates, radar trap speeding.
01:51And it so happened, co-inkie-denkle.
01:55On the summons for court, they both got the same date, and it was wrong on both summonses.
01:59They arrived there a day early, and there's nobody else in the place.
02:02So one said to the other one, Well, seeing as how we're both magistrates,
02:06why not hear each other's cases?
02:08I said, That sounds all right.
02:09So one got on the bench, the other got on the dock.
02:11He said, You're accused of speeding, how do you plead?
02:15He said, Guilty.
02:15He said, Right, find a fiver.
02:17He swapped over.
02:18He said, You're accused of speeding, how do you plead?
02:20He said, Guilty.
02:21He said, Right, 21 days.
02:25He said, 21 days?
02:28Hold on a minute.
02:29I only find you a fiver.
02:30He said, Listen, this is the second case of speeding we've had today.
02:32It's got to stop.
02:43This lorry driver came over from Manchester to Doncaster
02:46to buy 600 large chickens that were going cheap on the market.
02:53He put the 600 live chickens in the back of his lorry.
02:56He saw this Pakistani gentleman selling parrots a pound each.
02:59The green parrots, they weren't quite ripe.
03:04He said to the Pakistani, I said, I want a parrot for my wife.
03:07He said, I don't do swaps.
03:16He said, No, no, I'll pay cash.
03:18Pakistan, one parrot, one pound, please.
03:20Well, he gave the Pakistani lad a pound,
03:22took the parrot, put in the back with the 600 live chickens,
03:24and he set off to drive over Woodhead back to Manchester
03:26to resell the chickens on the market to make a profit.
03:29Driving along, thinking of the long, lonely journey ahead
03:31when he saw this young girl wearing a pair of very tight, hot pants.
03:35Well, you know what lorry drivers are.
03:38They give anybody a lift.
03:43Well, he pulled up, and she got him beside him,
03:46and straight away, he was there.
03:48He's a smooth talker.
03:50Very romantic.
03:53Hey-o.
03:55Hey-o.
03:55Give us a kiss.
03:58No.
03:58Well, get out.
04:01She got a girl in a miniskirt got in.
04:02Same thing.
04:03Hey-o.
04:03Give us a kiss.
04:04No.
04:04Get out.
04:05This happened to 27 different girls.
04:07They all said no.
04:07Now, the 28th was a redhead.
04:09She had no hair, just a redhead.
04:15He pulled up, she got in straight away.
04:17Hey-o.
04:18Give us a kiss.
04:19Yes, please.
04:19He couldn't believe it.
04:20Look, he pulled into lay-by.
04:21He's not there.
04:21Five minutes.
04:22There's a knock on his cabin door.
04:26Who is it?
04:26The police.
04:27They got out there.
04:28Good consternation after all.
04:31Can I help you?
04:32Cops are right.
04:33Get your license out.
04:34Get your log booker.
04:34I'm going to book you for carrying an insecure load
04:37on the public highway.
04:39He said, what are you talking about?
04:40Insecure.
04:40He said, look at the back of your lorry.
04:41Went round the back.
04:42There's a line of chickens walking in single file.
04:45Woo!
04:45Muck, muck, muck, muck.
04:46Woo!
04:46Muck, muck.
04:47He said, hang about.
04:48I'll check up.
04:49He lifted the flap.
04:51Give me the kiss.
04:51No, get out.
04:52No, get out.
04:53Give me the kiss.
04:54No, get out.
05:00As a little woman, she sat there with a little cat,
05:03sat by the fire, mind her own business, just sat there,
05:06touching the fire, and suddenly out of the fire
05:07jumps a spark.
05:09And it's a fairy.
05:10And the fairy said...
05:11Excuse?
05:12No, it's a real fairy.
05:13She said...
05:15She said, I'm your fairy godmother.
05:17I've brought you three wishes.
05:18What would you like, eh?
05:19Hmm?
05:20Hmm?
05:20Hmm?
05:22Hmm?
05:22She said, a fairy godmother.
05:23She said, yes, you've got three wishes.
05:24She said, well, I wish I was a young girl again.
05:28And the fairy went, hmm?
05:29Hmm?
05:30And she said, gorgeous, looking young girl, 23 years old.
05:32She said, you've still got two wishes left, what would you like?
05:34She said, well, I wish I had plenty of money.
05:38And the fairy went, hmm?
05:39Bing!
05:40And the place was full of money everywhere.
05:41I couldn't budge.
05:42She said, you've still got one wish left.
05:44Well, she said, my cat's been with her a long time.
05:46I wish she was a big, handsome, strapping prince.
05:48And the fairy went, hmm?
05:50Bing!
05:50And the cat's a big, handsome prince with muscles all rippling.
05:53And he took all of this young girl in his arms
05:55and he kissed her and he cuddled her and he said, oh,
05:57I bet you wish you'd never take me to the vet.
06:13This woman drank a half bottle of gin in the morning.
06:16She drank a half bottle of gin at dinner time,
06:18a half bottle of gin at tea time, stoned all day long.
06:22The husband's fed up.
06:22He said, oh, I'm sick of this.
06:25Oh, God, I'm sick of this.
06:29I must cure her.
06:31I've got to stop her drinking.
06:33Then he thought, I'll frighten her.
06:34So one day when she's really stoned, he got hold of her,
06:37put her in the car, took her down to the undertaker,
06:39into the back and laid her out in a coffin, just there.
06:41And just before she was waking up,
06:43the undertaker put all the flour over his face
06:45and he laid alongside of her.
06:47And she sat up, you know, when you've been drinking,
06:49you're always dry.
06:54And he sat up with a white face.
06:56She said, oh, who are you?
07:00He said, I am a dead body.
07:04She said, oh, what am I doing here?
07:06He said, you are dead.
07:12She said, where am I?
07:14He said, through drink you came down.
07:20I'm not frightened you, am I?
07:21I don't want to frighten you.
07:23You came down and down.
07:26She said, how long have I been here then?
07:29He said, you have been here for 12 hours.
07:33She said, how long have you been here?
07:36I've been here for 40 years.
07:39She said, you'll know the place better than me.
07:41And they can't get me a half bottle of gin.
08:00We went to join the army together.
08:02Di and I, Di and I, me and Di.
08:03I said, I don't care about English.
08:04We went to join the army together.
08:06And I never forget, he didn't want to go in the army.
08:07And he said, I can't join the army, Sarge.
08:09He said, why not?
08:10He said, I got one leg nine inches shorter than the other.
08:12He said, don't worry.
08:13Where are we sending you?
08:14The ground's uneven.
08:18While we was waiting there, sitting in the corner was two old campaigners.
08:24And this one old campaigner, he was in the army when the Kuiper Pass was a slit trench.
08:31I said, was you in the First World War?
08:33He said, yes.
08:37I said, how did you win the war?
08:39He said, it was easy.
08:41In those days, we used to fight in trenches.
08:47Every night we shout out across the field, Hans, are you there?
08:52And the German would say, jawohl!
08:58Hans, are you there?
09:01Jawohl!
09:03One day, this German general came down to the front lines.
09:07And he said, what is the troubles?
09:11He was a Welsh Germanist.
09:16Why are we losing all these men?
09:18He said, well, a general.
09:21The British are cunning devils.
09:24Every night they shout out, Hans, are you there?
09:27I'm a stupid, fine son of a se, yeah.
09:32Well, he said, why don't you do the same?
09:35That night in the trench, I show myself, Dane!
09:38Are you there?
09:40A voice said, is that you, Hans?
09:42He said, jawohl!
09:53Hey, I got home late one night.
09:55I hadn't been in the house five minutes, and it was freezing cold, pitch black.
09:58And I heard this rustling and this clanking, as if someone was messing about in our dustbin outside.
10:05And you know me, I don't hesitate where there's any trouble.
10:11So I just peeped through the curtains, and I saw this tramp messing about in our dustbin, and I thought,
10:21right, you.
10:26So I just opened the door, and I said, what are you doing in our dustbin?
10:32He said, I'm looking for something to eat.
10:35I haven't eaten for three days.
10:37I said, wait here.
10:39You.
10:46So I went back in the house, and I came back out, and I said, yeah, I'll take that.
10:50He said, what's that?
10:51I said, that's a candle, so you can see what you're doing.
10:53I'll take it.
11:01I'll take it.
11:02Irishman rang Ringway Airport.
11:04He said, hello.
11:05Could you tell me how long it takes an aeroplane to get from Ringway to Dublin?
11:09He said, just a minute.
11:10He said, thanks very much.
11:20This bloke said to his mate, how's the wife?
11:22He said, she's died.
11:23He said, when did she die?
11:24He said, yesterday, Monday.
11:26He said, when are you burying her?
11:27He said, next Tuesday.
11:28He said, a long time, that.
11:29He said, well, we've been married 25 years.
11:31She always said we'd have a quiet week together.
11:42You get it?
11:49I fell in a Chinese restaurant.
11:51He said to his little Chinese waiters, is there any Chinese juice?
11:55He said, just a moment, sir.
11:58Came back five minutes later.
11:59He says, no, orange juice, lemon juice, pineapple juice, no Chinese juice.
12:05You get it?
15:06You look a right prawn sitting there, don't you?
15:10This fella in a bowl rack got up, got a hold of this skinhead and he went,
15:16Right the side of the neck, the skinhead went, spark out.
15:19He said to his friends, when he wakes up, tell him that was a 1972 karate chop, you know?
15:24And walked out and walked out.
15:27This skinhead's walked back in the following night.
15:30This guy's got a big lump on his neck.
15:32Walked out with this fella with a bowl rat and he went,
15:35Walla, walla, walla, dink, dink, dink.
15:45Guy's with a spark out.
15:47He said when he wakes up, tell him that was a 1937 Murray starting handle.
16:00This little chap walked into a pub with a little Czech frilly shirt on and a handbag and he walked
16:06into this pub.
16:09He walked up to the bar and he said, listen, he said, if there's anybody here in this pub tonight
16:14that can guess the weight of this canary on my head,
16:19I'll sit at his table all night and he can take me home afterwards.
16:28And there was a fella next to him, about 9ft 13, wide.
16:34He said, 14 and a half tonne!
16:36He said, oh, that's near enough, love, where shall we sit?
16:48Really talented, really talented.
16:51Fair to tell you.
16:55There's a polymer, he's not too good up there, you know.
16:57He was, oh, the old brain wasn't going too well.
17:00He decided he would go and get himself a new brain and have a transplant job done.
17:04So he went along to the brain shop.
17:06He says, the fella, I want to pay one of these brains and I'm on a transplant job done.
17:09The fella says, well, how much do you want to pay?
17:10He said, well, how much are they?
17:11He said, well, there's a brain here, he says, £350, belonged to an accountant.
17:15It's a very good one, he says.
17:17He says, there's this one here, he says, belonged to a solicitor, he says.
17:19He says, 600 quid.
17:20He says, well, this one here, an Irish novice one, £1,250 quid.
17:25The fella says, excuse me, how come the Irish novice is so expensive?
17:29The fella says, well, it's never been used.
17:37I must tell you this, before I go, before I go, Morphy's youngest brother, Seamus, lost an eye in a
17:45car accident.
17:45God love him.
17:46And he went to the opticians to get a new glass eye fitted.
17:48And the optician says, I'm very sorry, Mr. Morphy, we're right out of glass eyes this morning.
17:52But there's a new eye on the market here.
17:54It's made out of wood.
17:56It's a plastic wood, much lighter than the glass eye.
17:59It's a wooden eye.
18:00I think you'll like it.
18:01Morphy says, I'll try it.
18:03So they stuck this wooden eye in his head.
18:05And the poor the wee hole in it so he could see through it.
18:07You know.
18:16That night, him and Casey were going to a dance.
18:20And they spot these two birds the other side of the room.
18:23Casey said, I'll take the blonde one, and you take the brunette.
18:26Casey loves blondes, you know.
18:27He'd squeeze in blackheads.
18:28So Morphy's...
18:31Morphy's heading towards his one with a wooden eye on his head.
18:34And he gets about two foot away from her.
18:35And he gets a close-up of her.
18:37And you want to see the gob in it.
18:38Oh, it's desperate.
18:40All teeth.
18:42Looks like Ken Dodd in a pair of hot pants.
18:46It's too late to go back.
18:47He looks at her and he says, would you care to dance?
18:50And she says, wouldn't I?
18:52Wouldn't I?
19:04Laugh, I nearly passed my fag drum, had I?
19:11Nice to be with you.
19:13So Diane Blodwin got married first night.
19:15There they were, on themselves by their own.
19:17As was their wont.
19:20In the bedroom.
19:23And Blodwin got into bed.
19:24There she is, lying there, already.
19:27And Di...
19:28And Di got undressing.
19:29And he looked across at Blodwin, and she's crying.
19:32Willy nilly.
19:36In gay abandon.
19:41And he said, Blodwin, why are you crying then?
19:46It is, you are.
19:47I said, follow.
19:54Why are you crying?
19:57And she looked at him, tear-laden.
20:01She said, well, she said, I never had a man before, she said.
20:05I never had a man.
20:09Well, he said, there's no need to weep and gnash and that, is there?
20:14So what are you doing?
20:15He said, I'm going home.
20:18So I got dressed.
20:19Went home to his mother.
20:21Not me.
20:22Walked in.
20:23His mother said, well, what are you doing home then, Di?
20:25On your wedding night?
20:26It is, then.
20:27Cardiff.
20:31He said, I've come home, he said, my first night of...
20:33I walk in the bedroom, he said, I'm getting...
20:35And there she is, crying her eyes out.
20:38She said, she's never had a man before.
20:40She's ever...
20:40She's never had one before.
20:44His mother said, you did right to come home, Di.
20:46If she's not good enough for the boys in the village,
20:48she's not good enough for you.
20:50I'm telling you.
20:58I'm telling you.
21:04Nice to see you laughing, folks.
21:06There's a lot of trouble in the world now,
21:07and there's all this fighting that's going on.
21:09I think that all the Protestants and the Jews
21:11and the Roman Catholics should all get together
21:13and attack the Methodists.
21:27Two drunken Irishmen in this hotel,
21:29that's the port of the way out.
21:31He said, straight down the passage,
21:32turn right, down two steps,
21:34and you're in the foyer.
21:35They went down the passage,
21:36turn left.
21:37Straight down the lift shaft.
21:40Lying there, and Paddy says,
21:41Mick, I'm not going down the other step.
22:01Deaf Irishman said to his mate,
22:02he said, Paddy, I've just bought a new hearing aid.
22:04It's very good.
22:05The best toy I've had.
22:06It's Japanese.
22:06You can't even see it.
22:09He said, where's the battery, Mick?
22:10He said, it's half past ten.
22:33We're in the summer season as well now, aren't we, eh?
22:36We've got the Americans coming over.
22:38All the American tourists, they're fun.
22:42American and his wife at Runnymede.
22:43He said, look at this, honey.
22:45Magna Carta signed, 1215.
22:49Darn, just missed it.
22:56Now, this American's over in Ireland,
22:58and he's doing the big bit, you know.
22:59He has all the suit on, walking around,
23:01and he walks down, and he sees this lovely Irish mansion,
23:04and outside the Irish mansion, down the foyer,
23:07the forecourt, the road,
23:10there's two stone dogs sat there, looking.
23:16Stationary.
23:18Because they were stone.
23:24And there's Paddy there, doing the lawns.
23:26Qualcast, up and down, get it right.
23:31And the American, he caught Paddy on the downstroke.
23:35Same man, he said, when do you feed these dogs?
23:41Paddy looked at the American, he said,
23:43every time they bark.
23:58The comedians tonight were Frank Carson,
24:01Dougie Brown,
24:03Les Bryant,
24:05Jimmy Marshall,
24:07Bryn Phillips,
24:08Ken Goodwin,
24:10Bernard Manning,
24:12Mike Reed,
24:12Dave Butler,
24:15Pat Mooney,
24:17Jim Bowen,
24:18and Johnny Wager.
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