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00:01Ladies and gentlemen, it's the comedian!
00:36I see Ireland's not sending the rocket to the moon this week.
00:40They can't find a bottle big enough to take the stick.
00:46I like that. Eh?
00:49Oh, no, please, please, please. Carry on, please.
00:54I'm not begging.
00:56This is true, this, you know. It's a true story, this.
00:58There was an Irishman on this building site eating this big piece of Gorgonzola cheese.
01:02And he dropped it and he couldn't find it.
01:04Two of the Paddy's come up later on working on the same site.
01:06One's like this.
01:14Eh, hey, Pad.
01:16Can you smell anything?
01:18Can you smell out?
01:20You know I can't smell nothing. I've got a broken nose.
01:24Well, here's my hammer. Break mine.
01:53Thank you, Paddy.
01:57What I've done, he said, well, I have a job going as a hood carrier, but you have to be
02:00fast.
02:01Well, he says, I'm fast.
02:02He says, you're as fast as that fellow O'Reilly.
02:04He says, so this fellow O'Reilly filled a hood full of bricks, up the ladder,
02:08threw them down, turning round, and his foot caught in a tubular scaffolding.
02:11And he went, bang, fell 70 foot.
02:13He says, by God, he's fast all right, but will he last?
02:23This American fellow is driving through Southern Ireland in his brand-new Cadiddley-Dack.
02:27And he went past his farm, you see, and the farmkeeper just laid on the gates as far as the
02:34pale moon was rising above the green mountains.
02:41He got out of the car.
02:42He said, do you know?
02:43He said, I just got in from the States.
02:44I've driven around your country.
02:45I think it's really wonderful.
02:46I really do.
02:50I really do.
02:51I think it's marvelous.
02:52It is.
02:53And I just want to say, is this your homestead?
02:55Do you live here?
02:56He said, yes, sir.
02:57Yes, this is where I live.
02:58This is my farm here.
03:00He said, I own a lot.
03:01I own this gate.
03:01I own this very gate.
03:03It's all leaning on, sir.
03:04It's mine.
03:04And that feels mine there, sir.
03:07That feels mine there.
03:08I own a lot, sir.
03:09It's all mine.
03:10He said, oh, it's smart, very nice, but it's so small.
03:12He said, back home, I got a ranch in Texas.
03:15He said, I get out of there at 6 o'clock in the morning, and I jump into my car,
03:19and I drive around all, and I inspect every acre that I own, and I don't get back till 5
03:25o'clock in the evening.
03:26He said, yes, sir.
03:27I used to have a motor car like that, sir.
03:30I don't know what that means.
03:37Murphy diced into the supermarket, stole two yards of black pudding.
03:42Two yards of it.
03:43That's not counting the circles on it.
03:46Diced up the road, and the policeman after him, and he grabbed him, and all the black puddings fell onto
03:50the ground, and the policeman said, at last I've got you with the evidence.
03:52He said, God blesses, I drop me rosary beads.
04:00and what about this irishman pushing this piano along the street and he met his pal he said are
04:05you taking it back he said no I'm going for my first piano lesson did you see that there
04:17that must have been funny
04:25settle down now
04:35don't you set me up you
04:40I get belly ache when I start
04:48I think that was my sister over there
04:53hey and this this woman this woman went into this shop she had a tin of dog food please
04:58um it's for my husband
05:02he said you mustn't give him that it'll kill him she said no it must be good it's on television
05:07give us a tin so he said I've told you that I'll kill him she said give us a tin
05:15so he went all right
05:24so he gave her a tin and he didn't see her for three weeks after that
05:30and then she came back she said half a pound of bacon please
05:36he said don't you want any dog food she said no he's dead
05:41he said see I told you that dog food would kill him she said it wasn't that
05:45she said he sat down in the middle of Piccadilly to scratch his left ear and
05:51got all over by a bus
05:59Jewish fella said to his mate I believe you had a fire at your place
06:02he said he said shh tomorrow
06:11fellow went down the labour exchange if you had any jobs and he said get up to Bellevue he said
06:16they're short they're short of an ape
06:19dress up as an ape
06:21so he got this ape skin on he's swinging around the bars
06:23missed the bar it's straight over into the lion's cage
06:26and the lion come towards him
06:28he went help help
06:31the lion said shut up you barmy bugger we'll both get a sack
06:42this pal of mine he was a bit of a jack the lad you know and he won a few
06:46quid on the pools
06:47about 37,000 pound
06:50and this was now you've got to bear this in mind this was 12 years ago he goes out to
06:53Australia
06:54and with a lot of hard work and a little bit of luck he made a lot of money
06:57he started off with five acres of land and six sheep
07:00today today with a little bit of luck and a lot of hard work
07:03the same man has got six million sheep
07:05and 500,000 acres of land
07:07and he's riding up and down his land on his horse one day giving it plenty of that
07:10all of a sudden
07:14this Cadillac pulls up
07:15and this yank went
07:17hiya paly
07:20hello pal
07:22he said hey man is this your spread here
07:24yes it's all mine
07:25it's all a lot of it
07:26terrific isn't it
07:27he said how much land you got here man
07:28he said land
07:30500,000 acres I've got
07:32he said I'll land on it
07:33he said hey back home where I come from we can get that in my backyard
07:37he said yeah
07:38he said how many sheep you got here man
07:43he said sheep
07:46sheep
07:48six million
07:50that's a lot
07:51that's a lot of it
07:52man back where I come from we eat more than that for breakfast
07:55he thought
07:56hold up
07:57hold up
07:58he said hey man is that your pad there on there
08:03he said pad that's my house
08:0547 bedroom that's got
08:07that's big
08:07that's big isn't it
08:07he said man I wouldn't make my lean to on my place
08:10as he said that a kangaroo went past
08:12wallop wallop wallop
08:14the yank said hey man what's that
08:16he said what's the matter you're prone
08:18haven't you got any grass uppers where you come from
08:26give hush
08:28this fella woke up one morning and he was about a foot and a half off the bed and he
08:31couldn't understand it
08:31he put his hand around his back and he thought what's that on my back and there was a hump
08:34one of those
08:37he thought that's amazing
08:38I had an ump on my back before
08:39I'd like to get rid of this
08:40so he did a few sort of exercises
08:41and he still had an ump on his back
08:43so he put himself with a mangle
08:46and he still had an ump on his back
08:48so he led under a steamroller
08:50and he still had an ump on his back
08:52so he finished up at a faith healer's
08:53and the faith healer said I'll get rid of that ump brother
08:55if you believe
08:56he said I believe
08:57he said what do you believe
08:58he said I believe I got ump on my back
09:02he said if you have a bit of faith brother
09:04he said go home tonight
09:04he said get in front of the mirror and sing a hymn
09:07that's all you got to do is sing a hymn
09:08and have a bit of faith
09:09and tomorrow morning you'll wake up
09:11your back will be like that straight as I die
09:12he said you want to have a ump there then
09:14all I got to do brother is sing a hymn
09:15he said so all you got to do
09:16off you go son
09:17off you go
09:17he said thank you very much
09:18so he went home
09:19opened the front door
09:20got inside
09:21and he got in front of the mirror
09:21and he thought this is it
09:25I don't know him
09:28what am I going to do
09:29I don't know him
09:30he did the next best thing
09:31he sang four choruses
09:32in the desert song
09:32went to bed
09:33woke up the next morning
09:34he had two umps on his back
09:40I must tell you
09:42we got a new priest in a parish
09:43a few months ago
09:44he said
09:45Mary in the old parish
09:45please do it
09:46a sermon on a Sunday
09:47and when he finished
09:47he said
09:48father
09:48that's the greatest sermon
09:49I've heard in all my life
09:50you had that
09:52congregation spellbound
09:52where did you get the courage
09:54of your convictions
09:54to deliver such an
09:56eloquent sermon as that
09:57and the old priest
09:57has done a let you
09:58into a secret
09:58I've been 40 years
09:59in this parish now
10:00that glass of water
10:01I had in the pulpit
10:02this morning
10:02it wasn't water at all
10:04it was neat gin
10:06and I have a few sips
10:07of that during the sermon
10:08it settles me nerves
10:09gives me great courage
10:10of me convictions
10:11they're frightening
10:12to miss here on a Sunday
10:12so the young priest
10:14this next Sunday
10:14father I'm doing
10:15me very first sermon
10:16and I'll be a bundle of nerves
10:17I'll try that
10:18the glass of gin
10:19so he gets in the pulpit
10:20Sunday morning
10:21does his very first sermon
10:23gets back into the vestry
10:24he said to the old priest
10:25how did I get on father
10:26he says you did very well son
10:27but you made a few mistakes
10:28he says what were they father
10:30he said well first of all son
10:31when you finish a sermon
10:33you're not supposed to tell you
10:34bits of paper up
10:35and throw them at the congregation
10:38secondly you're supposed to walk
10:39down the steps of the pulpit
10:40not slide down the bonisters
10:45thirdly David slew Goliath
10:47he didn't knock seven bloody bells
10:49out of it
10:56and fourthly his sling
10:57was full of shot
11:26no
12:23Two little boys at school, one says, do you know your brother Jim?
12:26He says, yes, he says, he's spoiled.
12:28He says, oh, no, he's not.
12:30He says, he is.
12:31Just you come round the corner and see what the steamroller done to him.
12:35LAUGHTER
12:37LAUGHTER
12:41LAUGHTER
12:42LAUGHTER
12:42LAUGHTER
12:43LAUGHTER
12:44LAUGHTER
12:44He says, lovely guy.
12:46You see how lovely one about the two Irishmen?
12:48We're up in court.
12:49One got 20 years, another got 15 years.
12:51And they're coming into the cell and one says,
12:53how long did you get?
12:54He says, 20 years.
12:55He says, how long did you get?
12:56He says, 15 years.
12:57He says, will you sleep near the door?
12:58You'll be out first.
13:01LAUGHTER
13:02APPLAUSE
13:08Here's lovely one of the one of the...
13:10Me and the missus was driving.
13:12You see, me and the wife was driving out one day
13:14and we're going through Cone.
13:15You know, C-O-L-N-E.
13:16Cone.
13:18I'm not just a pretty face, you know.
13:20Driving through Cone and I says, I wonder where Nelson is, you see?
13:23So she says, ask that man.
13:25So I pull the window down.
13:26And this man turned around.
13:27He'd only one eye.
13:29LAUGHTER
13:30And he'd one arm.
13:31Yeah, like that.
13:32You see?
13:32And she says, just ask him, does he know the road to Salford?
13:36LAUGHTER
13:39APPLAUSE
13:42So the two lads from Bairnsley,
13:45two miners were sick of all the strife.
13:47From Bairnsley.
13:49So in the end, they went across to America.
13:51They got on a pit in Texas.
13:54And the fellow said, now then, friends.
13:56He said, that sounds like Huey Green, doesn't it?
13:58Now then, friends.
14:00He said, lads.
14:01He said, we got you here in the States.
14:03He said, now, I want you tomorrow,
14:04you go out, you go and get three weeks' rations.
14:07He said, three weeks' rations.
14:08He said, got me snapped in here.
14:10So we took him Bairnsley.
14:11Snapped in.
14:13Brew.
14:14He said, you get three weeks' rations.
14:16He said, what do you want three weeks' rations for?
14:18He said, well, it takes you a week to get out of the mine.
14:21And a week to do your work.
14:22And a week to get back.
14:24He said, no, when you're at war with Vietnam,
14:26you're pinching that bloody coal.
14:32Try to imagine.
14:34Try to imagine going back years and years.
14:36Going back to the Danish days.
14:38Now, the Denmark.
14:39All them geysers with the horns out the red.
14:41Vikings.
14:42There's a cove, see, in Cornwall.
14:45And one of these Viking ships comes into the cove.
14:48And all the oars are dead upright.
14:50And all the shields are all sparkly and shiny.
14:53And it goes right to the beach.
14:56And as it goes up to the beach, another one comes round the corner.
14:59All the oars upright.
15:01All the shields sparkly and that.
15:04And that pulls out the beach.
15:06And out the second one gets a Viking, 14 foot high.
15:10Big fella.
15:1319 foot wide.
15:14And he was the top man.
15:15He was the governor, see.
15:16And he went right up the cliff and stood up there with his hands on his hips like that.
15:19All these brass buckles all over him.
15:21Lumps of gold.
15:22Hanging up his ears.
15:23Currunge.
15:26And as he got up there, another Viking ship come round.
15:29And all the oars wall in the water.
15:32They're all falling all over the place.
15:33All the shields are crashing in the water.
15:35Wall up. Currunge.
15:38And there's all Vikings all leaning over the side with sweat running down their faces.
15:42And it hits the beach.
15:43Wall up.
15:43And they all fall out of the boat.
15:44Crash in the water.
15:45All soaked.
15:46All rotten.
15:47And they're laying there on the beach.
15:48And all of a sudden the top man comes down to the cliff.
15:51And he goes up to the first boat.
15:53And he says,
15:56Pillage.
15:58And he walked up to the second boat.
15:59And he went,
16:01Burn.
16:02And he walked to the third boat.
16:04And the geezer on the deck went,
16:05Please.
16:06Please.
16:08Not rape again.
16:16The two pit ponies.
16:18They was in the pit one day.
16:19And they was having a chat.
16:20And one of the little.
16:21Because they do have a chat these little ponies.
16:23Because they work very hard.
16:24As you can probably imagine.
16:25One little pit pony.
16:26His name was Fred.
16:27And the other one was called George.
16:28And Fred said to George.
16:29He said,
16:29Do you know what I'm going to do?
16:30He said,
16:30I've been tired.
16:31He said,
16:31I've been working three shifts a day just lately.
16:33He said,
16:34What with all the short time and everything.
16:35He said,
16:35We never get paid for it or nothing.
16:37He said,
16:38When the fellows come in this morning.
16:39He said,
16:39I'm going to just roll over on my back.
16:41He said,
16:41I'm going to stick my legs in the air.
16:42I'm going to start a winning.
16:44Well, they think I'm ill, see.
16:45And he won't take me to work.
16:46And his mate said,
16:47Are you sure you can get away with that?
16:48He said,
16:48I'm going to have a go at that.
16:49He said,
16:49That's for sure.
16:50A few minutes later,
16:51the fellows came in,
16:52and across,
16:53on his back,
16:53legs up in the air,
16:54he started a winning.
16:55They thought,
16:55Hello, he's ill.
16:57Won't take him to work.
16:58Took the poor pony out.
16:59He was out all day long.
17:00Came in on all fours.
17:03He said,
17:04I've been there.
17:04He said,
17:05All day,
17:05I've been doing yours and mine all day long.
17:07Tell them,
17:08I ain't fit as a fiddle.
17:09I've done nothing.
17:10He said,
17:11I've been eating hay all day.
17:11I've had a marvellous time.
17:13You know what I do tomorrow?
17:13He said,
17:14When they come in,
17:14Roll over your back.
17:15They think you're ill.
17:17They won't take you out.
17:20He said,
17:20I did it this morning.
17:20He said,
17:21I got away with it.
17:21He said,
17:22I know.
17:22He said,
17:22but they're shooting you tomorrow.
17:31Irishman went for a job in the pits.
17:32He said,
17:33Have you ever worked down the pit before?
17:34I said,
17:35No, sir, I haven't.
17:36He said,
17:36Well,
17:37we only take experienced men.
17:39He's walking out.
17:39Another Irishman going in.
17:40He says,
17:41Tell him you worked in the pits before.
17:43Yorkshire, Wales, anyway.
17:44He said,
17:44But tell him you worked in the pit before.
17:46He said,
17:48Sir,
17:48I worked in the pits in Wales.
17:50He said,
17:51What lamp should they use?
17:52He said,
17:52I don't know that, sir.
17:53I was never on the night shift.
18:03This fellow at the bookmakers,
18:05he said,
18:06That horse there.
18:08Salutation.
18:09What's the odds?
18:11Put me up.
18:12I said,
18:12Donkey, that.
18:13Hundred to one.
18:14He said,
18:15Ten pound on the nose, please.
18:17Hundred to one.
18:18He said,
18:19You lose your money.
18:19Go on then.
18:20Took the bet.
18:21It won.
18:22Fifteen lengths.
18:24He's paying him out.
18:25One.
18:26Two.
18:26Three.
18:27Four.
18:29He said,
18:29Where did you get this one?
18:30He said,
18:30Well, it's sentimental reasons.
18:32Many years ago,
18:33my wife and I,
18:34she's now gone.
18:36We had a honeymoon cruise on a ship called the Salutation.
18:39I thought I'd back it today.
18:41Same name.
18:41Huh.
18:42Pretty it wasn't the Titanic.
18:49And this fellow,
18:50it was true this,
18:51this fellow,
18:51he'd never back to winning.
18:5225 years,
18:53never back to winning.
18:55So the bookmaker sees him on it.
18:57He said,
18:57No betting for me today.
18:58I've finished.
18:59I've had a pound a day every time I was racing.
19:01For 25 years,
19:02never back to winning.
19:03I've finished.
19:04But he said,
19:04Come on.
19:05I'll give you a chance.
19:05Come inside.
19:06Look.
19:06He said,
19:07I've got ten pieces of paper here.
19:08I'll write numbers on one to ten.
19:10If you pick number nine out,
19:11I'll give you 50 quid for nothing.
19:13Well, that's fair enough.
19:15He wrote number nine on every piece of paper.
19:17Give him a chance.
19:18Ten number nines.
19:19Put them in there.
19:19He said,
19:19Right, take it out.
19:20He went,
19:21Six and seven eighths.
19:28Clean that as well,
19:29wasn't it?
19:29Clean.
19:30Makes a change for me,
19:31I tell you.
19:32This is true.
19:34This same fellow with no luck,
19:35is going past this building site,
19:36and a fellow got a sheet of glass
19:38and it took his left ear off.
19:40He picked up and he said,
19:41God blimey.
19:42He got a bit of bostick.
19:46And he stuck it back.
19:48Here.
19:52And he went in this pub
19:53and there's a big artist at the bar.
19:54He said,
19:56I'll bet you five pounds,
19:58I can do something you can't do.
20:00Paddy said,
20:00You're on.
20:02You put a fiver down.
20:03Paddy put his fiver down.
20:03And the fellow put his fiver down.
20:04He said,
20:05I bet you can't bite your ear like me.
20:10I said, boys, you're here.
20:13Let's have a look.
20:14Pull his ear off like that.
20:16He went,
20:19Just a minute.
20:21Took his teeth out.
20:22And I went,
20:22Hoop.
20:30As a fella,
20:31he's got race horses.
20:33Four of them.
20:33And three of them are good horses.
20:34They're winning all the time.
20:35Always won.
20:36But one of them,
20:36always fell out of bed.
20:37Never won a race in its life.
20:38And he walked up in the horse in the stable
20:40and he went,
20:41Come here.
20:42Come here.
20:43He said,
20:44Now listen to me horse.
20:46Listen to me.
20:48If you don't win a race,
20:49and next time I'll put you out,
20:52I'm going to give you a milkman
20:54to pull a milk cart.
20:57Two weeks later,
20:58he's in his next race.
21:0048 lengths behind his.
21:02And it was only a five furlong race.
21:06And he's going down like that jock.
21:07He's going,
21:08Come on.
21:09Come on.
21:10Wallop.
21:12And he also went,
21:13Use your brains.
21:13I've got to be up early in the morning.
21:25The comedians tonight were,
21:27Jimmy Marshall,
21:28Frank Carson,
21:30Dougie Brown,
21:32Ken Goodwin,
21:33Bernard Manning,
21:35Mike Creed,
21:37Dave Butler,
21:39and Pat Mooney.
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