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00:01Ladies and gentlemen, it's The Comedians!
00:34Thank you, Bobby on drums, Tommy on piano, thank you very much, boys, you work very hard, thank you.
00:40One, two, one, two. Testing, testing.
00:44Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Wheel Tappers Working Men's, when we have a grand array of turns for
00:49our members to meet.
00:54Topping bill, we've got Manchester's own Sammy Davis Jr., Burt Parkinson.
01:02That's not his real name, that's just his stage name.
01:06Comes here every week for 30 bob and I know very well he can't afford to pay us.
01:14One, two, one, two, one, two.
01:18Now, ladies and gentlemen, we've had complaints from Thartis as comes here to entertain our members
01:25that the acoustics are bad in this club now we've put poison down and set traps.
01:35Now, we've got these acoustics.
01:39We're having no acoustics in this club while I'm chairman here and that's straight.
01:47By the way, pies have come.
01:51And they've come on their own, so I'll put plenty of pepper on.
01:58One, two, one, two.
02:01Next week's artist, a nail to the door.
02:12Now, we've had one or two suggestions from our members that we get a chandelier.
02:19Now, there's no one who's complained.
02:30Now, as you know, ladies and gentlemen, Tommy Taylor died a Tuesday.
02:35Member here for 44 years, Tommy.
02:38We'll have two minutes silence and then we'll get on with the bingo.
02:44I was working in this Catholic club last night in Wigan.
02:46I could tell it was a Catholic club because they called the bingo numbers out in Latin
02:49so that the Protestants couldn't win.
02:55And while I was in, there's a wonderful act on.
02:58Oh, it was a Chorley Flaggers mate's assistant.
03:02And he came on with a tin hat on and polythene underpants.
03:09And he juggled with two-tonne of loose soot.
03:12It was very good.
03:16Tell you what, looking around the lovely women, I wish I was here tonight.
03:18You love him.
03:19You would.
03:20We had a wonderful time, you know.
03:21We went all around London, Buckingham Palace, St. Paul's, the houses of Parliament.
03:25Got fed up, we took him out to Brixton in the British sector.
03:30They came across this building, it was all on fire,
03:32and it was a poor little Pakistani trapped on the top.
03:34So they called the fire brigade, and it was our boys.
03:42They had this big white net, they said,
03:44Come on, Pucky, jump in the net, we'll save you, jump.
03:47He said, Oh, no fear, man.
03:52I know you white people, you see.
03:57Have you noticed they talk very much like Welsh people?
04:10He said, I know you, I jump off the building and you pull away the net.
04:17He said, I know, stupid, you put it on the floor, then I jump.
04:31Well, he had a jump in the end, because his coat was on fire.
04:34Dai went up and said, Hey, I like your blazer.
04:47Sure to life, isn't it, though?
04:49Mind me, I get kind of way me.
04:51I went into a feast the other day,
04:52well, you call it fair, you're rich people.
04:55Call it feast me.
04:57Just got in there and he heard somebody say,
04:59Get your coconuts, I shot straight up first tree.
05:06I got kind of way, you know.
05:11There, I thought, we're right.
05:12Nice place, though.
05:13It's cost some money, though, doesn't it, in there.
05:15It upsets me a lot, that knows.
05:16Blokes had rink bell, I thought.
05:18I'm not on buses.
05:19Anyway.
05:24That's best when they go to Dartstall.
05:26Has they been at Dartstall?
05:27And that's true.
05:28There's no good throwing them, is it?
05:29They've been tampered, weren't they?
05:31Flights.
05:33That can't win out on them.
05:34I said, stick-wife, I said, fetch blowpipe.
05:37Huh?
05:42Oh, no messing.
05:43Aye.
05:46Yeah.
05:48Cos, no, cos, see, how done?
05:49I'm good with that.
05:50I'm good with that, you know.
05:52Talk about three in a bed, top oil.
05:54Get it.
05:54Ooh.
05:56That's Clayton Stone.
05:58Clayton Stone.
06:0016 plastic bags of goldfish.
06:04Well, that's what he handed me.
06:05I said, fill it to him.
06:07Ha, ha, ha.
06:18They're daft, aren't they?
06:19They're daft.
06:20The fellow went to the doctor, said, doctor, he said, I don't know how I feel it.
06:22He says, I feel like a pair of the curtains.
06:26The doctor says, get on and pull yourself together.
06:34You have to laugh at them, don't you?
06:36Even though they are ridiculous, you've got to have a laugh.
06:38Not the Irish fella got on the bus with a poodle and it poo-pooed all over the platform.
06:43The poodle.
06:46The conductor said, that's no good.
06:48No bloody good.
06:53The inspector won't like it.
06:56He said, well, share it between you and the drive.
07:08One of them went to the dole in Manchester, he walked in the dole and there's a Pakistani
07:12lad sitting behind a desk.
07:13He worked there, you know, the civil servants.
07:16He said, any jobs today?
07:17Pakistan.
07:18He said, very, very sorry.
07:20Have you ever thought of immigrating?
07:28Are you writing these down?
07:37You're writing them down.
07:38The foreman was dying for a smoke on the bill.
07:40He was dying for a smoke, the foreman.
07:41He said, Pat, go and get me ten plays.
07:43He said, I will, Dad.
07:44I will.
07:45Yes.
07:46I will.
07:48He said, well, have you got no plays?
07:49He said, anything will do.
07:50He'll come back with a meat pie.
08:03And when we came out of the match, I said to this fellow, now, where's it all happening?
08:09I said, with all the nightlife.
08:11He said, hey, smashing here, louse.
08:13The smashing boozer.
08:16He said, you get all your ale, you get your eats, and you stay the night, and don't cost you
08:29nothing.
08:32I said, have you been in it?
08:33He said, no, but the wife has.
08:40I said, where is it?
08:41He said, Putney Bridge.
08:43I said, Putney Bridge, where's that?
08:45He said, well, fine out.
08:47So he walks up to this cockney and he went, all right, lach.
08:53Putney Bridge, lach.
08:56Where's Putney Bridge?
08:59And this cockney went, down now, mate.
09:02And off he went.
09:02He come back to me, he said, doesn't know where he is, him.
09:08He's a cockney, but he doesn't know where he is.
09:11I said, it's the way you went about it.
09:14They can't understand us up here.
09:15They can hardly understand us in Liverpool.
09:20I said, up here, you've got to talk like a cockney or you're not on.
09:23I said, I'll show you.
09:25So I walked up to this cockney and went, all right, me old cockney.
09:29All right, mate.
09:31Putney Bridge, mate.
09:32Where's Putney Bridge?
09:34And this cockney went, Putney Bridge.
09:36Putney Bridge.
09:37A bloody cockney.
09:38You don't know where Putney Bridge is.
09:40I said, I'll show you.
09:53It's a big one.
09:54And this cockney, you are my size for you.
09:55And this cockney, you are my size.
09:59The cockney half is when you look, honey, and you see it.
10:40Only happened in Liverpool.
10:43Only happens with the Liverpool fellas.
10:45There was Liverpool playing this German team called Bayern Munich.
10:50There's a little scouser and a cop.
10:52And he's going,
10:54Come on, Toschek, lad.
10:58Come on, Toschek.
11:01Come on, Smitty.
11:04Cripple him.
11:07Cripple him, Smitty.
11:10And this dirty big German went,
11:12Heere, Mueller.
11:16Heere, Beckenbauer.
11:18And this little fella went,
11:20I love him.
11:27He said,
11:27And that's for bombing our shelters.
11:41But the Liverpool people, you see,
11:43We can't understand sophisticated jokes.
11:47We can't get them.
11:50We like daft ones.
11:51Ones that we know.
11:54The ones we can get.
11:57Like the Liverpool fella,
11:58He went into a psychiatrist.
12:01And the psychiatrist said,
12:01What is it?
12:02And he went,
12:08It's our kid.
12:11He thinks he's an orange.
12:16And the psychiatrist said,
12:16Well, get them down here.
12:17He said,
12:18I've got them here in me pocket.
12:34And the other Liverpool fella,
12:35Went into a cobbler's.
12:39He went into a cobbler's with a pair of boots.
12:41He said,
12:41I want these sold.
12:42Came back the next day,
12:43The cobbler gave me a dollar,
12:44And he said,
12:44I've sold them.
12:55And there was another Liverpool fella.
12:59These jokes are full of Liverpool fellas,
13:00He went into a photographer's.
13:09I got that out.
13:11Went into a photographer's
13:13With a photograph of his dad.
13:14He said,
13:15I want this photograph of my dad reproducing.
13:18But I want you to do it
13:19Without the bowler hat.
13:21See,
13:21His dad had a bowler hat on.
13:23And the photographer,
13:24Being very obliging,
13:26He went,
13:26Yes, sir.
13:27Certainly, sir.
13:27Yes, sir.
13:28I think we can manage that, sir.
13:30And just as he was going on,
13:31He said,
13:31Oh, by the way, sir,
13:32What way did your father have his hair parted?
13:34He said,
13:35Well, you know that
13:35When you take the bowler hat off.
13:37LAUGHTER
13:39APPLAUSE
13:47There was one old chap,
13:48He must have been 107,
13:49He was in the doctor's one day,
13:50He said,
13:50Doctor, doctor,
13:52I want you to give me
13:53A medical examination.
13:55He said,
13:56What for?
13:56He said,
13:57I want to marry
13:57A young girl of 16.
13:59He said,
14:00At your age,
14:00It could prove fatal.
14:01Well, if she dies,
14:02She dies.
14:04LAUGHTER
14:08He got married
14:09To the young girl of 16.
14:10Three weeks later,
14:11He was lying on his deathbed,
14:13Dying of a rare disease
14:14Called ecstasy.
14:16LAUGHTER
14:18LAUGHTER
14:19He called his young wife over,
14:21He said,
14:22Mary,
14:22Oh, you've been a good young girl,
14:24Is that?
14:25Before I go,
14:26I want you to have a thousand,
14:28Give the eldest boy a thousand,
14:30And give the youngest boy a thousand.
14:32She said,
14:33I never knew you had any money.
14:34He said,
14:35I'm talking about the embassy coupon.
14:37LAUGHTER
14:40APPLAUSE
14:45As he was dying,
14:46There was his three lazy layabout sons
14:48Discussing the cost of the funeral
14:49In front of him.
14:51They said,
14:51Don't spend a lot of money
14:52On the old fellow when he goes.
14:53Save a few bar for the horses
14:55And a boozer.
14:56Two cars on the earth,
14:57That'll be plenty.
14:58Yes, sir.
14:59Second said,
14:59What are you talking about?
15:00Forty-fififers can get in one car.
15:03Third one said,
15:04Get a few of the boys from the pit
15:05To carry the coffin
15:06Like they used to do in the old days.
15:07The old fellow got out of bed,
15:08He said,
15:09Pass me my trousers,
15:09Says I'll walk.
15:21He eventually died.
15:22And you know,
15:23We've got a lovely old superstition
15:24In the valleys.
15:25When they die,
15:26We lay them out in the coffin
15:27And we get two half-crowns.
15:28Place one half-crown in each eye
15:30To keep them shut.
15:32We did this,
15:32And the youngest boy said,
15:33Well, last look at the old man.
15:34Walks in,
15:35Sees the two half-crowns on his eyes,
15:36Takes them off,
15:37And puts two pennies there.
15:38When he come out,
15:39The vicar said,
15:40Do you see any change in him?
15:41He said,
15:41Aye, four on ten.
15:51And where I live,
15:51We don't bury him
15:52Like you do in Manchester.
15:53Don't dig these big holes
15:54And fill him in afterwards.
15:56Where I live,
15:56They take him to the top of the mountain.
15:58There was a hearse going up the mountain,
16:00And the back doors fell open.
16:01The coffin slid out,
16:02Down the mountain,
16:03Into the main street,
16:04Into a chemist shop.
16:05Hit the counter,
16:06The corpse come out,
16:07And he said,
16:07Have you got anything
16:07To stop this coffin?
16:18But it's wrong, isn't it?
16:19Have you ever noticed
16:20How people around here,
16:21I mean,
16:21You know,
16:22Generally,
16:22Without being immodest,
16:24I'll speak for everyone,
16:25Then I'll take the blame.
16:26Have you ever noticed
16:26How we seem to get
16:28Our priorities right here?
16:29We always seem to know
16:29What we want.
16:30Have you noticed that?
16:31Like the fella crying in the pub,
16:32His weight winner,
16:33He said,
16:33What's wrong with you?
16:33He said,
16:34I've had a terrible day.
16:37I've come off nice this morning
16:38And I got home
16:39And my house was burnt down
16:42And the wife's run away
16:43With me best mate
16:44And the two kids
16:45Have pinched me car
16:46And gone to sea
16:47And Liverpool lost
16:49I can't understand
16:50That they were winning
16:51At half time
16:54And the fella went
16:55To his mate's house
16:56And knocked on the door
16:57The wife opened it
16:57He said,
16:57Could I speak to Harry, please?
16:58She said,
16:59Harry?
16:59Oh God, Harry
17:00Harry?
17:01He said,
17:01I just want to have
17:02A bit of a rabbit
17:03With Harry, you know
17:03She said,
17:04Harry, Harry
17:04He said,
17:05Has something happened
17:06To Harry there?
17:07Because he's quick, you know
17:10The woman said,
17:11He's just passed away
17:12He said,
17:12I'm sorry about that
17:13Were you with him
17:13When he went?
17:14She said,
17:14Yes
17:14He said,
17:15Did he mention me paintbrush
17:16By any chance?
17:22It's the way we seem
17:23To behave now
17:24Have you ever noticed
17:25How plausible we've become?
17:27I mean,
17:27We seem to be able
17:27To talk our way out
17:28Of any situation
17:29Like the coach trip
17:30Going down to London
17:31And they stopped
17:31In the New Forest
17:32You know,
17:32Boot open,
17:33Crates out
17:33Get these down,
17:34You lads,
17:34Look at that
17:35And they're all having a sup
17:36And there's an old fella
17:37On the coach
17:37With an air rifle
17:38And in the distance
17:39He saw a huge deer
17:40And shot it right
17:42Through the head
17:42Killed it stone dead
17:43And he's got it on his back
17:44A 400 weight deer
17:46Running across the New Forest
17:47Oh,
17:48Look at this
17:50And the gamekeeper's out
17:51With the rifle
17:51He said,
17:52You,
17:52Stop
17:53He said,
17:53What?
17:54He said,
17:54You're poaching
17:54He said,
17:55I'm not
17:55He said,
17:56Well,
17:56What's that on your back?
17:57And he meant,
17:58Ooh
18:13A fella leaving the lunatic asylum
18:15A fella leaving the lunatic asylum
18:17And the head lad sent for him
18:18He said,
18:19Well,
18:19You're leaving us
18:19After 20 years
18:21He said,
18:21You've been in here
18:2220 years now
18:23What do you want to be?
18:24He said,
18:24Well,
18:26He said,
18:26I could be anything
18:27He said,
18:27I've served my time here as a joiner
18:29He said,
18:29I could be a joiner
18:31He said,
18:31I served five years as a plumber
18:32He said,
18:32I could be a plumber
18:34He said,
18:35And I went in for nursing
18:36He said,
18:37I could be a nurse
18:37He said,
18:38And then he said,
18:38I could stop here
18:39And be what I've always been
18:40He said,
18:40What's that?
18:41He says,
18:41A teapot
18:54Pakistani in this platoon
18:55The only one in the platoon
18:56The sign says,
18:57Platoon!
18:58Solution!
18:59By the left!
19:00Quick!
19:01March!
19:01Left, right, left, right, left, right
19:03Platoon!
19:03Halt!
19:04This packet goes walking on
19:07The sign says,
19:08Come here, son
19:10What was you in,
19:11Simmy Street?
19:11He said,
19:12I was a bus driver, sir
19:14He said,
19:15Well, fall back in
19:16Platoon, platoon, turn
19:18By the left
19:18Quick!
19:19March!
19:20Left, right, left, right,
19:21Left, right, platoon
19:21Halt!
19:22Mohammed!
19:24Ding!
19:27Hey, what a belt of that one, eh?
19:36They're the sort I like,
19:38They're the sort of like,
19:41Eh, I love out like that,
19:43Don't you?
19:45Now, we were saying,
19:46That's it, we're all,
19:47Well, I'm a yorkshire lad,
19:48You know,
19:49And that's been a bane,
19:50They say now we're talking,
19:51All the day we're blokes,
19:52He said,
19:52Are they yorkshire?
19:53I said,
19:53Of course I am,
19:54I'm a yorkshire lad,
19:55That can't buy glass,
19:57Can't that, really?
20:04Because how I brought up it,
20:061930s,
20:06We hadn't a lot of money,
20:07In the headway,
20:09Bad days,
20:09Hey, every,
20:10I see today,
20:11There's bags of money,
20:12Ain't there?
20:13Kids can go anywhere,
20:14For their holidays,
20:15Can't they?
20:15Anywhere they like,
20:17All of it world,
20:18All of it world,
20:19Where could we go,
20:20When we were bans?
20:22Club trip,
20:24Did you go on it,
20:25Clothes?
20:27Did they pin a little ribbon,
20:29In the lapel,
20:30In case,
20:31In case they got lost?
20:33Ah,
20:33It was that,
20:34They went to Cleethorps,
20:35Didn't you?
20:35Cleethorps?
20:37When you landed at Cleethorps,
20:39And they got to see air,
20:39In the nostrils,
20:40You were like mad dogs,
20:41Weren't you?
20:43Eh?
20:44Waste water,
20:45You were like,
20:46Ah,
20:48I said to their dad,
20:49Come on dad,
20:49Get this enough,
20:53Of course they were bad,
20:54They wanted to go for a pint,
20:55Didn't they?
20:55Get this enough,
20:56Where should I go father,
20:58Go play it sea,
21:00Sea at Cleethorps,
21:03It's a ruin march,
21:05Isn't it sea,
21:08Go play it sea,
21:09How far should I go,
21:11Keep walking while the cat floats,
21:12Get this enough,
21:20Of course they were bad,
21:20Oh ain't it grand,
21:23So lovely,
21:25Is your belly aching,
21:27It never is is it,
21:30Well,
21:31I will come and see me,
21:32When I'm on film,
21:47Hey, hey, I'm not responsible for all this.
21:56They'll not sleep, as I mean they'll not sleep.
21:58Hey, I know a tale about that.
22:02Oh, I'd love to tell it on you, but you know.
22:06No, they tell me if I do it again, I'll be blacklisted, so anyway.
22:22Marvellous, that's lovely.
22:24Charlie, put a bulb in the gents, will you?
22:25It's going all over my leggings.
22:3540 watts, spare no expense, put a bulb in the gents.
22:43Now, as you know, at the Wheeltappers Working Men's, our members bring the guests.
22:49We always like everybody to get to know each other, tall, fat, short and thin.
22:54So everybody on the floor for the barn dance.
22:56Are you ready, Bobby on drums?
22:58Tommy on piano?
23:01The barn dance, ladies and gentlemen, from Wheeltappers Working Men's, everybody on the floor, tall, fat, short and thin.
23:07Daddy wouldn't buy me a Bow Wow.
23:35Thank you and good night.
23:36See you next Saturday, Nick.
23:47The comedians tonight were Bernard Manning, Jim Bowen, Bryn Billicks, Charlie Williams, George Roper, Jackie Hamilton and Tom O'Connor.
24:01Thank you for your attention.
24:05Marvellous applause.
24:06Hop-hop.
24:06Hop-hop-hop.
24:15Hooray, hop-hop.
24:22And had to go work.
24:23Thought-hop-hop.
24:30And had to go work.
24:31¡Va, we walked the way.
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