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00:04Ladies and gentlemen, it's The Comedians!
00:39Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones, going through the customs at Heathrow Airport, the customs
00:43official said, have you got any LSD on you? Purple Arts, Cannabis? He said, no, what made
00:48you ask? He said, well, you got here half an hour before the plane. Did you hear about
00:55the hippie, who was out of his mind on LSD, and he's on top of this block of flats saying,
01:00I'm a jumbo jet, I'm a jumbo jet, I'm a jumbo jet! And he dived off the top, and half
01:08way
01:08down, two other hippies hijacked him and flew him to Cuba.
01:14Woman goes to the doctor, she said, doctor, doctor, examine me, examine me. He examined
01:17her, he said, there's nothing wrong with you. He said, you've got jelly in one ear and custard
01:21in the other. She said, could you speak up, have a trifle death? I don't know. What about
01:29that fellow that died, and his mate went to see him, and he stretched out there in this
01:34box, and he said to the widow, he said, he doesn't half look happy, you know, because he
01:38was smiling. She said, I'll wait till he wakes up, we don't know him dead yet.
01:52One yank went touring round Ireland, and he ended up watching the fellas digging peat in
01:56the fields. He said, what are you here doing? He said, we're digging for peat, sir. We are,
02:02yes, we are. The American said, what's that thing over there? He said, that's a mechanical
02:10shovel. The American said, we've got bigger teaspoons in America. The Irish fella said,
02:16no wonder, look at the size of your gob.
02:28Yeah, it'd be about Teddy to get knighted, the birthday honours. Can you imagine him?
02:32The Queen stood there in the south west in a pair of wellies. Can you imagine it? And
02:39him kneeling there in a slutch. And she gets the sword out and she puts it on his right shoulder,
02:44well, rise, Sir Edward. Doesn't budge. Puts on his left shoulder, rise, Sir Edward. And
02:50he still doesn't budge. So she planted it on his head. Rise, Sir Edward. The little postman
02:57in the crowd shouted, get him to get up. He doesn't know what a rise is.
03:09Well, a fellow from Fords went to the dole. He went to the dole for a job, to the labour
03:12exchange. Got the sack from Rolls-Royce. You know, where they make these aero engines.
03:18The fella said, what did you get the sack for? He said, it was two tow-out. He said, you
03:22give
03:22it a sack for being two tow-out? He said, yes. He said, what department do you work? He said,
03:27you give it to the account. The Lions were playing the ants in the middle of the jungle
03:36football. The Lions was all over these ants, winning three none. But the little wide-eyed
03:40ants fetched a centipede on half-time, played the game of its life, scored 14 goals. And
03:46they were running off at full-time and the Lions captain ran over to this ant, this centipede.
03:50He said, I've never seen such fantastic football in my life. I wish you didn't come out in
04:00the first half. He said, I was putting my boots on.
04:12Hairdressers wintering in Liverpool. Beetle haircut six months. This fellow went in and
04:15he cut all his hair off. He said, hey, pal, this ain't the beetles not on their hair cut
04:17like this. He said, they do if they come in here.
04:26The fellow talking to his mate, he said, I've had a lot of bad luck, he said, with marriage.
04:29He said, I wouldn't get married again. He said, I've been married twice. What a bad luck.
04:35He said, why? He said, well, first half, wife died eating poison mushrooms. What about
04:40your second wife? He says, fractured skull. She said, how was that? He said, she wouldn't
04:44eat your mushrooms. A fellow walks in this pub, pinches a boomerang off the wall. The landlord
04:56cops him and he shoved it up his jumper, you know, slung him out 78 times. A fellow walks
05:06in the doctor, he said, how do I stand, doctor? He said, you live to be 80. He said, I'm
05:1080.
05:10He says, what did I tell you? Two Irishmen playing bingo. We shall 7 and 7, 77. He says,
05:18Patrick, you've got that. Mark it off. Look at that. 2 and 2, 22. He said, you've got
05:23that. Look at that. Mark it off. 2 and 8, 28. He says, look at that. You've got that
05:28as well. He says, why don't you mark your own card? He says, mine's full up.
05:39Amy Bloomberg's telling his wife, he says, Becky, when my brother asked you where we went
05:42for our holidays, don't tell him we just went to Blackpool, tell him we went abroad, spent
05:46a lot of money, had a wonderful time. Harry comes in, he says, how do you like Blackpool,
05:50Becky? She says, Blackpool, Schmackpool, we never went to Blackpool. Went to Tenerife,
05:54Bermuda, Mallorca, Italy. Me and my Amy, she says, was three weeks in Italy, a nice country
06:00that Italy, she says. A lovely country, nice people, lovely food. My Amy was speaking with
06:06the Pope in the Vatican. He says, is that right, Amy? He says, sure. I'm speaking with the Pope
06:11Pope for 25 minutes. A nice fellow, that Pope. But her.
06:26Ain't it a lovely night? We all turn out never good.
06:31You've got no dose of Epsom salts in it, a good lad, you see?
06:37Do you know, do you know, the bloke went to doctors, it's true this, he went to doctors,
06:41so the doctor says, can I help you out for all? He says, I can, lad.
06:45He says, well, what's up with you? He says, I ain't been to the toilet for three months.
06:48He says, that what? He said, I ain't been to the toilet for three months.
06:53He said, I'll write in thee, old sport. Right, so you must be a Christian, you see.
06:57He wrote it out, he says, get them down there, to the world of good.
07:00So the lad took him home, has his tea, thought, right, I'll go to a chemist.
07:05So he gets his coat on, you know, walks down, looks at prescription, seven stone, Epsom salts, seven stone.
07:13He thought, good God. So he went back for a garden battery, you know.
07:21A fortnight later, the doctor's looking at prescription pad, he thought, good God, I've made a right mess of this.
07:27Seven stone, it should have been seven ounce.
07:28Seven ounce.
07:30Hi.
07:31Got it, car flying down to the bloke's house, knocks on the door, door flew open.
07:43The bloke's wife's walking downstairs with two buckets full, two buckets.
07:49He said, I'm sorry, lads, I've made a mistake. Is he all right?
07:52She says, is he all right? This is 14th bucket, he's been dead a week.
08:05Oh, I'm right, please, as you could get it. I am. It's been all right.
08:10My mother's Yorkshire, you know, my mother. She is I, my dad, anybody's guest, but don't matter.
08:17But I'm part Scotch, really. I am, it's true. I am part Scotch.
08:22My dad bought a colour side of the black watch.
08:28Oh, I'm always talking about folk, you know.
08:32But not the minds, drudgett, really. You know, it's part and parcel of life, isn't it?
08:36You've got to have a bit of fun. I mean, look at me, I was, I was born in the
08:41early thirties.
08:41I'm not as old as I look, air's going a bit silver. It's with this game, you know, it knocks
08:45you up.
08:46But I was born in, and I lived in a terrace row. Terrace row, eh, for my long.
08:51The way I went to them days, terrace rows, eh, for my long. Toilets round back.
08:55And that got to be fast.
08:59It's true, it's true. Hey, you've got to mortar them days.
09:06You've got to mortar them days.
09:07You've got to mortar them days.
09:07You've got to mortar them days.
09:08Come on.
09:13Oh, no, but it's too, hey, you're two bedrooms, ain't you?
09:23Two bedrooms, living place and little kitchen, didn't you?
09:27It's set potting corn.
09:29Set pot.
09:30The mother used to be doing washing on a Monday, didn't she?
09:33Bless her.
09:34Hey.
09:34Copper full of washing.
09:36When she finished washing, she chucked the in for a bath.
09:41Same copper on a Tuesday, full of stew.
09:46And they were dumplings as big as cauliflower spot.
09:49Hey.
09:49The ma'am used to say, get thee, Dane.
09:52Ooh.
09:53I've got more than others because I think of lips.
10:09Oh, I don't know.
10:12We were poor at our house as well.
10:16Were you poor at your house?
10:17Right?
10:19When we were kids, we were poor, you know.
10:22I had no toys.
10:24That's why I play the banjo now and again, you know,
10:26because I took it up when I was a kid and...
10:34All together.
10:38You'll have me crying in a minute.
10:42I did.
10:43But, you know, I used to make up my own games.
10:46Hands up all the fellas in the audience tonight
10:49that used to play with a wheel and a stick.
10:51Come on, put your hands up.
10:52Let's hear you.
10:53Come on, let's hear you.
10:54Hands up all those that played with a wheel and a stick
10:56when they were kids.
10:57Come on, let's hear you.
10:58Be honest about it.
10:59There's one.
11:00Look, there's one.
11:03And if you had a tire on it, you were posh, weren't you?
11:15Happy days.
11:16I don't know.
11:18I'll never forget though,
11:19because, you know, when you don't have much money
11:21and I remember my mum saying,
11:23how I can this, she said,
11:24go to the butchers and tell him he wants a sheep's head
11:27and ask him to leave the legs on.
11:40What about that woman?
11:41What about that woman in the back garden
11:43hanging out the washing
11:44and all the trains are going past the end of the fence?
11:48And this fella's leaning over the fence
11:50and he says, by gum, Gertie, you don't half look miserable, don't you?
11:54She said, I know it.
11:55It's my husband, the daft thing.
11:56He's got rid of that old bed we had.
11:58It was an antique, 100 years old.
12:00And he used to be able to curl around all the lumps and bumps.
12:02It was very comfortable, you know.
12:05He's got rid of it.
12:06And now, with this new one,
12:07every time a train passes, bounce out of bed.
12:12He said, go on, I don't believe you.
12:14She said, you come in and see.
12:16So he come in.
12:17She said, come on upstairs now and I'll show you.
12:20So he went upstairs.
12:22She said, now I'll get into bed and you watch.
12:24So he said, all right.
12:30So she got in bed.
12:31She said, better still, you get in with me
12:33and you'll be able to see it for yourself then.
12:35And he went, all right then.
12:52So he got in and her husband come over and copped him.
12:55And he said, hey, what's all this?
12:56He said, you'll never believe this, but we're waiting for a train.
12:59Ha, ha!
13:01Ha!
13:51I brought the wife in this morning
13:52for a pair of shoes
13:54and the fellow turned on the shoes
13:55had a bald head
13:57but when she looked down
13:58and saw the bald head
13:59she thought the knee
14:00was out of her stocking
14:03and she threw her frock over it
14:08it was all right
14:09and he struck a match
14:10to see where he was
14:13that's the way I tell him
14:14it must be a gift
14:17but the voice from heaven said
14:19to the Corinthians
14:21do you want the commandments
14:23what are they
14:24they shall not kill
14:25they shall not steal
14:26oh no
14:27Corinthians love killing
14:28and stealing
14:29to the Romans
14:30do you want the commandments
14:32what are they
14:33thou shalt not commit adultery
14:35thou shalt not covet
14:36thy neighbour's wife
14:37you're joking
14:40hey you down there
14:41you with the glasses
14:42what's your name
14:43Moses
14:44what tribe do you belong to
14:46to the Jews
14:48do you want the commandments
14:50how much are they
15:01nothing
15:03give us ten
15:06did you hear about
15:07the Irish navvy
15:08who beat his wife to death
15:09with his working socks
15:13he got in jail
15:14he said I'm not standing here
15:15so he decides
15:16to dig his way out
15:17he dug a tunnel
15:18took him seven years
15:19to dig this tunnel
15:21he was only doing three months
15:25he escaped
15:26he escaped
15:27you know
15:27and he met his mate
15:28he wants to go back to Ireland
15:29they had no money
15:30so he said
15:30what we'll do
15:31we'll pinch a rowan boat
15:33so he stole this rowan boat
15:35and a rowan across the Irish sea
15:37and half way across
15:38a great big hand
15:40came out the river
15:40as big as this warehouse it was
15:45he said
15:45Jesus Mick
15:46look at the size of that wave
15:49so go back to Ireland
15:52and he had a row
15:52he said
15:53right we'll have a duel
15:54choose your weapons
15:55pistols
15:56at forty paces
15:57said he
15:58the fat man said
15:59what was a big fat man
16:00he was a little thin man
16:01the fat man said
16:02now hang on
16:02he said
16:02I'm a bigger target
16:03than you are
16:04and the little thin man
16:05said I'll fix that
16:07so he pulled a piece of chalk
16:08out of his pocket
16:09and he drew two lines
16:10down the fat man
16:10he said
16:11they hand out
16:13as the bullets
16:13land outside the lines
16:15they don't count
16:18two fellas
16:18job on a train
16:19he opened the paper
16:20let's try to open the paper
16:21he looked across
16:21he seen this chap
16:22he said
16:22nice to hear him chap
16:23he said
16:23where are you going
16:23he said
16:24going to London
16:26going to London
16:26going to London
16:28where are you going
16:29he said
16:30I'm going to London
16:30he said
16:31what do you do for a living
16:32he said
16:32I'm a nally
16:33I dig holes
16:36dig holes
16:36and build houses
16:38and in the evening
16:39I'm a telly producer
16:46what do you do
16:47he said
16:47I'm a solicitor
16:48docker
16:48you know
16:52would you like
16:52to play a game
16:53on the way down
16:56he said
16:56what do you want
16:56to play
16:59he said
16:59I'll ask you a question
17:00if you can't answer
17:01you give me a pound
17:02you ask me a question
17:03if I can answer
17:03I'll give you a pound
17:05he said
17:05you're not long
17:06you're not long
17:07too much up there
17:08for me you have
17:09you're not long
17:11didn't you
17:12so he said
17:13righto old chap
17:14he said
17:14if I can't answer
17:15your question
17:15I'll give you three pounds
17:16you still give me a pound
17:18he said
17:18you don't know
17:20first question
17:22what's got two heads
17:23seven legs
17:24two tails
17:24and flies
17:25he said
17:26oh dear me
17:26I don't know
17:29here's your three pounds
17:31what has got two heads
17:33seven legs
17:33two tails
17:34and flies
17:34he said
17:35don't know
17:35here's your pound
17:45do you know
17:45you meet some funny people
17:46I was standing at this pub
17:47this afternoon
17:48this fella came in
17:48I didn't know him from Adam
17:49except for the fig leaf
17:50he came walking up the bar
17:51he said
17:52hello there mate
17:53he said
17:53how you doing then
17:53I said
17:54I'm not so bad
17:54he said
17:54have you heard
17:55I said
17:55what
17:55he said
17:56have you heard
17:56about poor old Bill
17:57I said
17:57Bill who
17:58he said
17:58Bill Ward
17:59I said
17:59I don't know him
18:00he said
18:00Bill Ward
18:01he said
18:01you know Bill
18:01he said
18:02you've spoken to him
18:02and here Bill
18:03that fella had that funny disease
18:04all his hair fell out
18:05boy then he fell out
18:06I said
18:07well I can't place him
18:07he said
18:08Bill Ward
18:09he said
18:09you've spoken to him
18:10the fella with the glass eye
18:11got a funny eye
18:11like that
18:11looks like you're like that
18:12glass eye
18:13full head
18:13I said
18:14well I don't know him
18:14he said
18:14you know him
18:15he said
18:15you spoke to him
18:16you're standing at the bar
18:17on Tuesday
18:17fella with the funny mouth
18:19he's not a funny mouth
18:20funny mouth
18:21darn it
18:22I said
18:23well I think you've got me mixed up
18:24he said
18:24I have not
18:24he said
18:25you played darts in here
18:26with him on Tuesday
18:27fella with the stiff neck
18:28he's got a stiff neck
18:29not a funny mouth
18:30darn it
18:32I said
18:33well I'm sorry
18:33but I don't know him
18:34he said
18:34you know him
18:35Bill Ward
18:36great big gun
18:36Bonnie's back
18:37he's fine
18:40I said
18:40well I don't know him
18:41he said
18:41you do
18:42he said
18:42you played crib in here
18:43with him on Thursday
18:44fella with the funny hand
18:45like that
18:46he's got a funny hand
18:46like that
18:47holds the cards funny
18:48goes like that
18:4815-2
18:5115-4
18:53two for a pair
18:55I said
18:55well I don't know him
18:56he said
18:56you know him
18:57he's got one leg
18:58shorter than the other
18:58he won't
18:59I said
19:02well I'm sorry mate
19:02but I don't know the fella
19:04he said
19:04well he's dead
19:08I said
19:08what a pity
19:09right in the prime of life
19:10I saw this mate
19:14the man in Leeds last week
19:15I said
19:15what's the matter Isaac
19:16you look a bit depressed
19:16he said
19:17look at this Michael
19:17I just found somebody's
19:18wage packet here
19:1932 quid
19:20I said
19:20what are you going to do with it
19:21he said
19:21well there's no name on it
19:22I'm going to keep it
19:23I said
19:23you found 32 quid
19:24he said
19:25yeah
19:25I said
19:25well what are you looking
19:26so miserable for
19:27he said
19:27look at the tax I've paid
19:33shouldn't make jokes
19:34against the Jews
19:35I shouldn't
19:35because one of my best mates
19:37is a Jewish salesman
19:38I don't mean he sells Jews
19:43he's not that good
19:48he's Jewish
19:49and he's a salesman
19:49and they're clever talkers
19:50aren't they
19:51he sold a milking machine
19:52to an Arab farmer
19:53who only had one cow
19:56he took the cow's deposit
20:04the gift of the gab he has
20:06he's a bit mean though
20:07he turns the gas out
20:08when he wants to turn
20:09his bacon over
20:14if he's playing dominoes
20:16in a pub
20:16he won't knock
20:17in case the waiter comes
20:22what else can you do
20:23at Morecambe
20:25they have boat trips
20:26out from the end
20:27of the pier
20:27you go out
20:28for a pleasure cruise
20:29for the afternoon
20:29round Heesham Head
20:30they go
20:31they don't come back
20:36they never found
20:37anybody who wants to
20:40on the boat
20:41they've got a self-service
20:42cafe
20:42that's like getting married
20:44a self-service cafe
20:45you choose what you want
20:46and when you see
20:47what your mate's got
20:48you want some of that
20:48as well
20:54shouldn't call marriage
20:56you've got to get married
20:56haven't you
20:57you can't go through
20:57life being happy
21:02I got a bowl of soup
21:04on this self-service
21:05cafe
21:05vegetable soup
21:06Mr Strawny
21:07or something
21:09I know it was
21:10ninth
21:11it's not to do with it
21:12I just thought
21:13I'd tell you
21:16I was up on the deck
21:17eating this soup
21:18there's a fella
21:19fast asleep
21:19in a deck chair
21:20the boat gave a lurch
21:23all me soup
21:24in his lap
21:25the lot
21:26I was quick
21:26I woke him up
21:27I said
21:27do you feel better now
21:35this fella
21:36joined
21:36one of these
21:37orders
21:37in a monastery
21:38to take a vow of silence
21:41and he was in there
21:41for ten years
21:42when the head monk
21:43came up and said
21:44there's a concession
21:45today
21:45you're allowed to speak
21:46do you want to say anything
21:47he said yes
21:48is there any chance
21:49of an extra spoonful
21:50of sugar in a coffee
21:52he says is that all
21:53he said yes
21:53so he came back
21:54twenty years later
21:55he said there's another
21:55concession today
21:56you're allowed to speak
21:57do you want to say anything
21:58he said yes
21:59is there any chance
22:00of an extra drop
22:01of milk over the cornflakes
22:03he says is that all
22:04he said yes
22:04he came back
22:05forty years later
22:07he said there's another
22:08concession today
22:09do you want to say anything
22:09the monk said yes
22:10I don't think I'm cut out
22:11for this life
22:14he said I think
22:15I'll go to the outside world
22:16the monk says
22:17well I'm glad to hear it
22:18because you've done
22:18nothing to any complaint
22:19from me
22:19come in here
22:29with a missile
22:34a
22:35what good
22:35what good
22:39it your
22:40what good
22:40there
22:43what good
22:44you
22:44yeah
22:44Wahia
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