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00:03Ladies and gentlemen, it's The Comedians!
00:36I went into a shop the other day, you know.
00:38I went into a shop and I said to yourself, Sam,
00:41and she said, yes, do you want a little bag or a big bag?
00:45I said, you'd better give me a big bag because I just won a camel in a raffle.
00:49Oh!
01:00Two Jews praying in the synagogue, I, B and A, B there, in the synagogue.
01:05And he said, £75,000 on the pools, please, Lord.
01:07Send me £75,000 on the pools.
01:11£5,000, £5,000, all at once £5,000.
01:13Send me £5,000, please, Lord.
01:16£75,000 on the pools, please, Lord.
01:18Send me £75,000.
01:20£5,000, £5,000, all at once £5,000, Lord.
01:23Send me £5,000.
01:25He said, here's your £5,000.
01:26Get going.
01:27Concentrate on me.
01:36Hey, there were three blokes, did you know, and they went to heaven.
01:40And they were stood there at pearly gates, and Gabriel, that was old Gabe.
01:43He's a nice fella, Gabe.
01:45And he opened gate and he looked at them, and there were two white and one coloured.
01:48So he said, now then, I'll lay down rules to you, quick, clear.
01:52No colour bar, no racial discrimination.
01:55Just spell one word and in you come.
01:58So they said, fair enough, flower, we'll stick to the rules.
02:02So he says to the first blog, he said, now then, spell God.
02:04He said, Geode.
02:05He said, champion.
02:06In.
02:08So he said to the next one, he said, now then, can you spell Jesus?
02:11He said, aye.
02:13I said, very nice.
02:16In you come.
02:16He said, now then.
02:17Coloured bloke stood there.
02:19He said, now then, son, you know the rules.
02:22No discrimination.
02:23He said, I'm with you, cuz.
02:27He said, fair enough.
02:29Spell chrysanthemum.
02:40Fellow sat in a cafe, he said, what a place this, he said.
02:43What a.
02:43He said, I've never seen nothing like it.
02:45The waiter said, why, what's up?
02:46He said, what's up?
02:47He said, you've had your thumb in me coffee, your thumb in me soup.
02:50He said, well, I've got a wickler on it, so I've got to keep it warm.
02:56He said, why don't you stick up your nose?
02:57He said, I do when I'm in the kitchen.
03:04And I've had to change that gag around, believe you me.
03:11Coming down the motorway today.
03:13Pulled up a calf.
03:14Outside.
03:16Food at property prices.
03:17So I walked that.
03:18That'd do me.
03:19So I've got to, I said, go to your mate.
03:20I said, leave your belt.
03:21I said, give us two cheese rolls and a cup of tea, please.
03:23He said, certainly, sir.
03:2537 and 6.
03:30I said, turn it in.
03:33Turn it in.
03:3437 and 6.
03:36Thought they were food at popular prices.
03:38He said, well, I like them, cuz.
03:47Jewish couple, Aby and Sammy.
03:50Puffs, they was.
03:51In actual fact, it was Aby and Rachel.
03:53She said to him, Sammy.
03:54He said, yes, Rachel.
03:55She said, do you believe in free love?
03:57He said, I ever sent you an invoice?
04:03A woman went to the bushes and she bought a joint of mutton about that big.
04:06She took it home, she roasted it and it shriveled up to that big.
04:09Next day, the husband went back to the bushes and he said, look at that.
04:11My wife bought a piece of mutton that big, roasted it and it shriveled up to that big.
04:15And the bushes said, that's funny.
04:17Last week, my wife bought a woolly jumper that big.
04:19Washed it once and it shriveled up to that big.
04:21Must have been off the same sheet.
04:28What about that fellow that went to the doctors and he said, he said, about those tablets you gave me
04:34to keep my strength up.
04:35I can't get the top off the bottle.
04:44We're having a good time, aren't we?
04:50And what's a mountainous scientist who invented these tablets to make you young?
04:54And he sent some home to his mum and dad.
04:56And he went home a month later and he was walking down their street and he saw this young girl
05:01pushing a pram.
05:02And she said, hello, son, don't you recognise me?
05:04I'm your mum.
05:05I took one of them tablets.
05:07He said, well, there was that in the pram.
05:09She said, that's your dad.
05:10He took two.
05:22I like the old woman here, the old woman.
05:27And this woman's pushed her pram down the road and this one said, Sarah.
05:33Oh, aren't they lovely twins?
05:36How do you tell them apart?
05:37He says, well, if I put my finger in David's mouth and he bites me, I know it's Michael.
05:46I like them just once, do you?
05:49The fellow said, do you always take your whiskey and eat?
05:52He said, no, sometimes he's here, it's hanging out.
06:07The phone ringing, the phone ringing in the school.
06:10Hello, teacher.
06:12Johnny won't be in today.
06:13He's not too well.
06:15Oh, all right.
06:16Who's that speaking?
06:23The fellow went to work at half past two.
06:29He said at two o'clock, the former said, where have you been?
06:30He said, I've been to have my hair cut.
06:32He said, what, the firm's time?
06:33He said, it grows in the firm's time.
06:36He said, it doesn't all grow in the firm's time.
06:38He said, I didn't have it all cut off.
06:44A young couple from the deep south in Alabama had a tiny little baby, and they took it to
06:48be christened.
06:49Went down to the mission hall, knocked at the door.
06:51The preacher came at the door, said, good morning, my children, what can I do for you
06:55today?
06:56And the husband said, well, Mr. Preacher, we want this year baby of ours christened.
06:59And the preacher said, what name do you want that there child called?
07:03And the husband said, Mr. Preacher, we want this year baby called L.A. Trisney.
07:08He said, L.A. Trisney?
07:11I can't call that baby L.A. Trisney?
07:13He said, Mr. Preacher, there's no other name for that child but L.A. Trisney.
07:18He said, give me one good reason why you want that there baby called L.A. Trisney.
07:24And the husband said, well, Mr. Preacher, it's like this.
07:27My wife's name is Dinah, and my name is Mose.
07:30And Dinah Mose makes L.A. Trisney, don't you?
07:41All clear stuff, do you know, it's all clear stuff.
07:44Hey, that's a good one about the woman in the park.
07:46Do you know that one about the woman?
07:47She said, excuse me, said the keeper, I believe there's a woman who gets sexually attacked
07:50every week in this park.
07:52He said, every Tuesday.
07:53She said, why Tuesday?
07:55She said, well, that's the only time she can get here.
08:01The copper copper says to the parkkeeper, do you see them two funny fellas been in this
08:05week?
08:06The parkkeeper said, no, why?
08:07So they don't half-miss them.
08:14It's all clever.
08:15All clever stuff.
08:16You know that, don't you?
08:17Clever stuff.
08:18Now, Dinah, I'm not calling him.
08:20This is true now, but I'm going to tell you.
08:21They were a bloke, and he won £200 of horses.
08:24Don't know, see?
08:25He was a gambler.
08:27Good one, good one.
08:28And he won this £200, so I thought, right, I'm going to live it too.
08:34Well, you do, don't you, when you've got a bob or two.
08:37And he went to London, you know.
08:38Hey, they're ready for you there.
08:39They'll take it off you.
08:43Hey, I did a right good day.
08:46Had a gambler too, lost.
08:48Jar or two, lost.
08:50Bird or two, lost.
08:57He thought, well, this is it.
08:59Ten o'clock, I'll get some bevy down me, and how's your father?
09:04Aye.
09:05So he got bevy in, last few quid.
09:07Quite to twelve, he thought, that's it.
09:09I'll get me sent off home.
09:10When he looked in his pocket, he was skinned.
09:12Nope.
09:13He thought, I've overdone it.
09:17He thought, fair enough.
09:19I'll get down in Hype Park.
09:21Thought, neat.
09:22Goes to Hype Park, looks in, full up, hippies, hoppies, hot, lot.
09:30Well, he thought, right.
09:32So he went to Trafalgar Square.
09:34He thought, I'll get there.
09:34He were too late, full of tramps.
09:36Full of tramps.
09:37Full of tramps.
09:38Thought, that's it.
09:42Kept staggering along.
09:44Come to Thames Bridge, he thought, this'll do for me, old love.
09:49Put sports paper, hard his head, I'm on bridge, on parapet.
09:52Got laid back, I know, she were off.
09:54Big Rolls Royce, Rolls Royce, beautiful blonde.
09:57She were a belter.
09:58Oh.
10:03She says, now then, old lad, are they hungry?
10:06He said, I am.
10:08She woke the leg, he said, I'll have some taterash.
10:13She said, fair enough, bring this hen on.
10:15Took him back to a lovely penthouse, gorgeous, you know.
10:19Oh, caviar the lot.
10:21Oh, he dined like a king.
10:23He said, now then, could you, are you thirsty?
10:25He said, I am.
10:26He said, what would you like?
10:27He said, I'll have a pint of mixed.
10:32Hey, scotch on the rocks, you know.
10:35Lonely said, now then, would you like a bath?
10:37He said, well, aye, go on, lass.
10:42Bathroom, you know, lovely.
10:44Shovel full of them bath cubes in.
10:47There we are.
10:49Ah, stick it big toe up, then I say, yeah.
10:54Oh, he got a hot towel, give us a eye.
10:59Pyjamas, monogrammed, they were beautiful.
11:01Oh, lovely stuff.
11:03He said, here he for bed, he said, I am.
11:05Dived in, he got laid back there.
11:07There's other things, when I get you in the bed,
11:08that I don't have enough to stretch, don't I?
11:12Oh, he just lay there, and all of a sudden,
11:14door opened, and she was stood there in black negligee.
11:17Oh.
11:22Oh, aye, he don't look, he don't look.
11:27Oh, and she swayed up to bed, you know.
11:31Oh, and she dropped negligee, you know.
11:38She did, she did, she dropped it.
11:42Aye, she says, move over.
11:45And he fell into Thames.
11:51Oh, no, we'll look.
12:12Oh, no.
12:13Oh, no.
12:13Oh, no.
12:13Oh, no.
12:14Oh, no.
12:15Oh, no.
12:15Oh, no.
14:17The Jewish fellow opened a fish and chip shop next door to a bank.
14:21And his mate walks in.
14:22He said, hey, let me a five.
14:23And he said, on my life, I'd love to, but I can't.
14:25He said, why not?
14:26He said, we've got an agreement with the bank.
14:28They don't sell fish and chips.
14:30I don't lend money.
14:34The Jewish fellow in the golf course, he's paying golf.
14:37As he's walking up the golf course, all of a sudden, a golf ball hit him on the head.
14:39One up, dink.
14:41He said, oh, my head.
14:43My head.
14:44I'm going to sue this golf club for 6,000 pounds.
14:47All of a sudden, there was a golf ball behind him.
14:50I'll take it.
14:51I'll take it.
14:57The fellow in the hospital, sitting there in a corner.
15:01All of a sudden, the nurse came out of the maternity ward with a black baby.
15:05She said, is this yours, sir?
15:07Oh, he said, I suppose so.
15:09She burns everything, you know.
15:18Heard about a woman.
15:19Heard about a woman.
15:20And she went to a pet shop for a parrot.
15:22And she saw this parrot.
15:23She said, I want the parrot.
15:24So he said, there's a good parrot.
15:25He said, it's Andy parrot.
15:26He said, can it talk?
15:27She said, I said, he can sing.
15:29And she looked at the parrot.
15:30He had a string on each leg.
15:32He said, if you pull that string on the left leg, he said, it'll say, God save the
15:36Queen backwards.
15:39He said, no, it's all right.
15:40He said, if you pull the other string, he said, it'll say, our Father, who art in
15:43heaven, the Lord's Prayer, wonderful.
15:45She said, what happens if I pull both strings together?
15:47The parrot said, I'll fall off the bloody purchase.
15:56You all right, cousin?
15:59It's you and me against this lot tonight, you know what I'm saying?
16:03I don't like a bar.
16:04I don't like a bar, you know.
16:05I am right.
16:06Please, you come to me.
16:07I am, because you're grand.
16:08There was a bloke walking down the road.
16:10And he's walking down.
16:11And there was another fellow there with a dirty big stick.
16:14And he's chucking it right across this water.
16:16And this dog's running and tiptoeing across water.
16:22He said, bye.
16:23Come on, love.
16:24That's a clever dog.
16:26He said, that must be joking.
16:29He said, why is that?
16:29He said, it can't swim.
16:36I like skinhead jokes, myself.
16:39Because skinheads, they're all aggravation.
16:41That's their main object in life is aggravation.
16:43Twelve skinheads walks into a bar,
16:45walks up the fellow behind the counter and went,
16:48well, give us 13 pints, mate, will you?
16:52He said, excuse me, sir, but there's only 12 of you.
16:55He said, when I say 13 pints, I mean 13 pints.
16:59Give us some.
17:01He's pulled up 13 pints.
17:02The lead of these skinheads have gone up this old boy
17:04sitting down at a table and put one.
17:06He said, hey, Dad, here's a drink for you.
17:07Oh, God, he said, it's, uh, well, it's, uh,
17:11it's very nice of you, son.
17:12Thanks very much.
17:14He said, it's all right, Dad.
17:16We don't mind buying a drink for a cripple.
17:18He said, uh, buying a cripple, son.
17:23He said, you will be, but you don't buy the next round.
17:26LAUGHTER
17:32So this Japanese soldier came out of the jungle
17:34after 26 years.
17:39He said, is President Roosevelt still alive?
17:41He said, no, he's dead.
17:42He said, has Manchester United won a match yet?
17:46LAUGHTER
17:47APPLAUSE
17:50This blind fellow's in this golf house at St Andrews, you see.
17:53And all the American golf team came in.
17:57He said, is that you, Mr Palmer?
17:59He said, Arnold Palmer here, friend.
18:01Buddy boy, Arnold Palmer here.
18:04He said, I've always had one ambition in life, Mr Palmer,
18:06to play you at golf.
18:08He said, well, a man with your affliction,
18:09that's just what you're going to do, friend.
18:12And just to make it interesting, we'll play for $10 a hole.
18:14He said, I thought about 300 quid a hole.
18:16He said, well, that suits me when you want to play me.
18:18He said, half past 11 tonight.
18:23APPLAUSE
18:26You know, there's a farmer in our village, he's 83,
18:28and he married a girl of 22, and he couldn't keep his hands off her.
18:32So he sacked his hands and he bought a combined harvester.
18:35LAUGHTER
18:37APPLAUSE
18:37Two...
18:38APPLAUSE
18:42Two farmers having a chat in the market.
18:43One farmer said to his mate, he said,
18:46what did you give your cow last year when he was sick?
18:48The farmer said, I gave him turpentine.
18:51He said, right, thanks very much.
18:53Two weeks later, the same two farmers met in the same market,
18:55and the first farmer said to the second one,
18:57he said, what did you say you gave your cow last year when he was sick?
19:00He said, I gave him turpentine.
19:02He said, well, I gave my cow turpentine last week, and he died.
19:06The other one said, that's funny.
19:07So did mine.
19:09LAUGHTER
19:11He used to have a big bull in Ballymena,
19:14in the north of Ireland.
19:15It was been exported to the United States for $100,000,
19:18and it was half a crown of time to see the bull.
19:20This fellow walked in, he said, pardon me, sir.
19:22He gave special prices for large parties.
19:25For as many as in the party mix?
19:26He said, 29, sir.
19:27Myself and the wife, and the 27 children.
19:29He said, stay with you, and I'll bring the bull out
19:31to have a look at you.
19:33LAUGHTER
19:33LAUGHTER
19:38And he's cutting the privets.
19:40This fellow just moved in.
19:42And the book next door said, excuse me?
19:44He said, yes.
19:45He said, my name's Charlie Brown.
19:46Could you help me to start my car?
19:48He said, what do you mean?
19:49He said, well, he can't start.
19:51Will you give us a bit of a turn on us there?
19:53He said, yes.
19:54So he said, I'll be in my garage.
19:55So we went in, there's the fellow, Brown,
19:57sat on an orange box.
20:00He said, you're a bloody nutcase, this fellow.
20:02LAUGHTER
20:04So she said, could you give me a turn?
20:06So I said, yes, he said.
20:07Well, I'll play along with him.
20:09Shame, isn't it, sir?
20:12Right?
20:14All right?
20:15A bit more choke.
20:19LAUGHTER
20:21LAUGHTER
20:22All right?
20:23Hang on a minute.
20:25Try that again.
20:27That's a bloody stupid...
20:29LAUGHTER
20:30Right?
20:31The fellow in the box, it's...
20:32Brrrrm.
20:33Brrrrm.
20:35Brrrrm.
20:38Brrrrm.
20:38Brrrrm.
20:39And he got off the box, down the path,
20:40and out along the road.
20:41Brrrrm.
20:42And he had a nutcase, this fellow.
20:44So he went back, cut his privets.
20:46So the fellow next door, but one came.
20:47We said, excuse me, did I see you going to Charlie Brown's house,
20:50the garage?
20:50He said, yes.
20:51He said, what did he want?
20:52He said, what, Mr. Harris?
20:53He said, his car.
20:54He hasn't got a car.
20:55He said, not on his box.
20:57He said, he didn't tell me he had no car, did he?
20:59He said, no, why?
20:59He said, well, I'll get a pound a week, clean it.
21:06As a woman gets off a train,
21:08she goes to the inspector's office,
21:09she said, I've been attacked.
21:11I've been attacked by a little man.
21:13A little man like that.
21:15He said, what was wrong with the communication court?
21:17She said he couldn't reach it.
21:20LAUGHTER
21:23Tory colonial secretary were out there in Africa,
21:26that knows,
21:26and it was ready for general election.
21:28So he went round to all these natives
21:30in this big crowd,
21:31and he got them all gathered together.
21:33He said, now, look, he said,
21:34if we're re-elected into power,
21:36he said, we're going to do a wonderful job for you natives.
21:39He said, in fact, we're going to knock all mudhooks down
21:41and get you all three-bedroom bungalows,
21:44you know, all ventilated.
21:45And all Africans shouted,
21:46Nogombe, Nogombe!
21:48Nogombe!
21:49They're taught like that.
21:50LAUGHTER
21:52He said, and we shall fulfil our promises.
21:59He said, each and every one of you
22:00will be given full-time employment.
22:02You will receive £30 a week.
22:05Nogombe!
22:06Oh, they were going up the wall.
22:09He said, and we also promised the old folks
22:13£22 per week.
22:15Every old person in this...
22:19Nogombe, Nogombe!
22:21Well, they were going mad.
22:24Talk chief says to him, he says,
22:26thank you very much.
22:28And he walked him down the road, you know,
22:30and told this colonial secretary's looking,
22:33and often he saw this big palatial building.
22:35He said, hey, what's that, my old flower?
22:39He said, well, you see, he said,
22:41that is our place of worship.
22:43We worship the sacred bowl,
22:45and that is the bowl's sacred palace.
22:48He said, well, could I have a look in?
22:50He said, no, I'm very sorry.
22:52Very sorry.
22:53It is against our beliefs for a white man to enter.
22:57He said, but to be truthful with you,
22:59he said the sacred bowl has been locked up
23:01for three months.
23:02He said, and the floor is 18 inches deep in Nogombe.
23:08APPLAUSE
23:18The comedians tonight were
23:20Ken Goodwin,
23:22Bernard Manning,
23:24Charlie Williams,
23:26Mike Reed,
23:28Dave Butler,
23:30Steve Faye,
23:31George Roper,
23:33Mike Burton,
23:35Josh White,
23:36and Frank Carson.
23:39APPLAUSE
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