- 2 days ago
Playlist:
dailymotion.com/playlist/xd8vhe
dailymotion.com/playlist/xd8vhe
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:07Ladies and gentlemen, it's The Comedians!
00:40I went to doctors this morning, I said, Doctor, you'll have to do something for me, I'm
00:44a terrible liar.
00:45I said, I don't believe you.
00:51I've got a shocking cough, I shouldn't smoke.
00:54Doctors give me one day to give up smoking, so I've chosen September the 18th.
01:06You hear about the fellow who went, the psychiatrist, with a ration of bacon on his head and a poached
01:10egg on each foot.
01:12And he said, it's about my brother.
01:19Another fellow walked in, he said, you need glasses, he said, how do you know?
01:22I said, Tells, who did you walk through that window?
01:27Hello, lady, swally the spoon, he said, sit there and don't stir.
01:32I'd see him all over, you know.
01:34No, I do, I meet friends wherever I go, I always meet friends.
01:37I go around to the doctors pretty regularly, no, I'm not sick.
01:40I've just converted the mother-in-law to a Jehovah's Witness and I'm trying to get her
01:42in for a major operation.
01:44Anyway, I went round this day, and I walked in, and the nurse is there, you see.
01:48I said, is the doctor in?
01:49She said, he's practicing.
01:50I said, I'll come back when he's perfect.
01:53I'll come back when he's perfect.
01:55So I sat there, you see.
01:56And we're reading all the papers and the magazines.
01:59Isn't it a shame about the Titanic?
02:00All those people.
02:07I'm sat next to this fellow with one leg called Arthur.
02:09I don't know what his other leg was called, but it's nice.
02:13I walked in, you see, I walked in the insulting room, and there's Kildare.
02:20He said, what do you want?
02:21I said, I keep thinking I'm a dog.
02:24He said, how long have you been like this?
02:25I said, well, ever since I was a pup.
02:29I said, give me something for the wind.
02:30He said, give me a kite.
02:31He said, nothing.
02:31He said, first job, put your left foot on the table, so I put it up.
02:38He said, put your right one up.
02:39And I fell on me back.
02:41He said, how long have you been having these dizzy spells then?
02:47He said, strip off.
02:47So I stripped off and I'm stood there, muscles rippling like that.
02:53The only man that got his money back from Charles Atlas.
02:57I said, how do I stand, doctor?
02:58He said, God knows I don't.
03:01He said, look, go over to that window there and stick your tongue out.
03:04I said, will it do me any good?
03:04He said, no, but he ate that fellow across the road.
03:08One look at my tongue, he said, not putting that thing back in your mouth, eh?
03:12He said, look, you.
03:13He always calls me, look.
03:15There's only one thing for you.
03:17What you've got to do, drink a glass of orange juice every day after a hot bath.
03:20I saw him a couple of days later.
03:21He said, have you drunk orange juice?
03:22I said, I haven't finished drinking the hot bath yet.
03:24I don't know.
03:29That fool.
03:31No, this is true.
03:32This is true.
03:33I wouldn't tell you now.
03:33Perfectly true.
03:35Though the Yankee doctor came over tingling.
03:36You know what these Yanks are?
03:38Our mouth.
03:40It's right, this.
03:41It's right.
03:43And he went to this hospital, you see, this Yankee.
03:46And he said, well, I'd like a look around your hospital.
03:47They said, fair enough.
03:49Come on.
03:54So he went in, you know, and they gave him a cup of Typhoo and all paraphernalia.
03:59So he said, I'd like a look around your wards, you know, just to see how the patient...
04:03They said, fair enough, come on.
04:08So they took him down wards, you know, and showed him a patient.
04:10They said, well, have a look at this one.
04:13What do you think?
04:14So he pulled blankies back, you know, these Yanks.
04:17Whether they know what's wrong or not, they pulled blankies back, you know.
04:22He said, my God.
04:23He said, yes.
04:25Rather pale, blue round the lips.
04:27I should say this man's suffering from heart trouble.
04:30He said, that's rake flower, top oil.
04:37Very nice.
04:42Halfway down, Walter said, now then, would you like to look at this man?
04:44He said, my God.
04:46He said, this man's really serious.
04:48Yellow jaundice.
04:50Bloodshed eyes.
04:51He said, this man's suffering from kidney trouble.
04:53He said, that's right again, flower.
04:56Well done.
05:00Went to bottom up wall.
05:01There's a man squatted there in bed, you know.
05:04Squatted there.
05:04Eyes protruding.
05:06Veins stuck out.
05:07He says, goodness.
05:10Goodness.
05:11My God.
05:11That man's suffering from blood pressure.
05:14He said, that's wrong.
05:15He's set on pot.
05:16.
05:29Or you're all right.
05:35I'm a yarcher lad, funnily enough.
05:37and it's true this, you know, I'm Yorkshire
05:40and it's very true, I don't know who my dad is, don't ask me
05:43you know, it's these Pakistanis, you know, they're freeing me
05:52Hey, ain't they a lot, ain't they?
05:56They're coming over here, aren't they, on barracks, camels
06:00oil slicks, soap, they can get on, aren't they?
06:09Hey, you shouldn't laugh, I'm fainting like hell, me to keep them out, I'm fainting
06:15and you're not bothered, you laugh, you think, oh, come in, come in
06:21I'm fainting for you, me
06:26I'm safe, I mean, once they took over, I can go on their side
06:34Aye, aye, did you read about that 14? Aye, did you read it? It paid for it
06:38In Bradford there were 14 a cellar, what the, all piled up like bales of straw there were
06:4440, 40
06:46No, 41 really, one got away
06:49He did, he got away, he went, he went to Leavitton, he said, I'd like to be a conductor
06:55So they nailed him to a chimney
07:07Well, er, I must say, I love bringing, er, him home with me
07:11My kids always love something to chalk on
07:18I'd like to see coloured people happier, do I think you, I think you could
07:23As Charlie said before, that's me second cousin, you know Charlie
07:26Me second cousin, a bit lighter than me
07:29I've got a sun lamp
07:38Well, I was stopping in a nice hotel there, or a nice lodging house, actually, in Bolton
07:42Nice four bedroom semi-detached slum
07:47I said to the woman, I said, there's a fly swimming in the soup
07:50She said, then you have too much soup, it should be paddling
07:56I said, the dinner's lovely, but that big Alsatian dog hasn't stopped barking
08:00She says, no wonder you're eating off his plate
08:05But her husband was a nice fella, he was lying in bed looking for work
08:11I said, can you not get a job?
08:13He said, there's no work at my trade
08:15I said, what's your trade?
08:16He said, I'm a zeppelin builder
08:17I said, I couldn't sleep in that bed last night
08:25There was a dead flea in the bed
08:27She says, a dead flea will do you no harm
08:30I said, I know that, but there was 40,000 came to the funeral
08:37She said, there's not a single flea in this house
08:40I said, I know that, they're all married, my big family
08:46And I said, the cockroaches are jumping from the wardrobe onto the bed like a springboard
08:50She said, if you pull the bed away from the wall, they'll miss it
08:56I said, I'd done that and the cockroaches kept pulling it back
09:01And I said, I'd like to talk to you about the ceiling in my bedroom
09:05She says, what about it?
09:06I said, I'd like one
09:11She says, well, you needn't worry because the people upstairs won't walk about
09:16But they'll drop in
09:17And she said, don't be annoyed if you hear footsteps in the middle of the night
09:25Rose walks in her sleep
09:28So I dashed up the stairs and took the door of the hinges
09:33Three o'clock in the morning came Rose
09:35The biggest bloody Labrador you've ever seen
09:36And her young son was kneeling by the side of the bed
09:46But in show business, I thought it's such a good example
09:48I knelt down by the side of the bed too
09:51He said, what are you doing, mister?
09:52I said, I'm doing exactly what you're doing
09:54And he said, my ma will kill you, it's over on this side
10:01One of those boots tonight, I mean, one of those boots
10:04On a job getting digs in Manchester
10:06Hey, black in the face, I've been looking for digs in Manchester
10:11I can report that lot to the race relations board, you know
10:14I can do that
10:15I knocked at the landlady's door
10:16She opened the door, she said, what do you want?
10:18I said, I want to stop here
10:19She said, well, stop there
10:20Shut the door
10:20Oh, let me understand
10:25Oh, terrible life for you
10:28I went to another house, she said, you can stop here
10:30But you'll have to make your own bed
10:31I said, I don't mind
10:32She took us inside, gave us the nails, the wood, the hammer
10:41I always have a job getting digs, you know
10:43In Manchester, myself
10:45It's funny, isn't it?
10:46You know, and I get on with anybody
10:48And I went to this house in Mossside
10:50And I knocked on this door
10:51And a big woman come out
10:52She said, what do you want?
10:53I said, do you think the lady next door
10:55Will give me a cup of water?
11:03I wasn't scared of her, was I?
11:11But I got in one place
11:12I got in one place, you know
11:14And she said, what do you want?
11:15I said, I want to stop here
11:17She said, well, have you got a good memory for faces?
11:20I said, I have
11:21She said, well, you need one
11:22Because there's no mirror in the bathroom
11:29And I went upstairs
11:30And I went upstairs
11:32And I washed my hands
11:32And, you know, and
11:34And
11:37I said, where's the towel?
11:39She said, there isn't one
11:40You'll have to hang your hands out of the window
11:44I'm glad I didn't have a bath
11:45Aahhh!
11:46Ah!
12:33Now, folks, special announcement here.
12:39If there's a gentleman by the name of Pharaoh, who was last heard of 2,000 years ago,
12:45please report to the British Museum, where your mum is very poorly.
13:00I'll tell the chap that has a bubble car,
13:02go outside cos there's a rat dragging it down the gutter.
13:11The rest of it's a letter from me, Dad.
13:15No, it's for me granny, this one.
13:17Got better eyesight.
13:18She says, dear Ken, she always says, dear Ken, when she writes to me.
13:22She says, dear Ken, I'm writing this letter very slow, cos I know you don't read very fast.
13:36And the ten ceilings I owe you, I would have sent, but I've sealed the envelope.
13:41And there it goes.
13:53It goes on to say, the overcoat you left at our house, I've sent it on to you in a
14:00big parcel,
14:00but as I wanted to charge me extra for the weight, I've cut the buttons off.
14:07P.S. They're in the pocket.
14:17That's me granny.
14:22I went in a chipper the other night, and this fella come in, pushed right to the front,
14:25he said, give us six of chips before the trouble starts.
14:30I said, what trouble?
14:31He said, I've got no money.
14:41And I went swimming at the bass the other day, I love the bass, I went to the Turkish bass,
14:45that's a good change, you know.
14:47Have you ever been?
14:50It's a laugh, isn't it?
14:51You know, you look around, you know, they laughed at me and I laughed at them, you know.
14:56I might be daft, but I'm not stupid, you know.
14:59Look at that, like that.
15:01But I went in, you know, and I went into this room, and you go down a corridor into another
15:06room,
15:06and it was full of steam, so I took all my clothes off, and when the steam cleared,
15:10I was in a chef's shop.
15:18Two hardest fellas won £75,000 on the pools.
15:22When he got the cheque on Thursday morning, he went straight to the bank.
15:25The manager says, how much do you want out now?
15:27Do you say the lot?
15:29The £75,000 in U-Tempo pieces.
15:34Dockers strip me bits.
15:39They come out the bank, their overcooks are out like that.
15:42And they're walking along the road, Mick says, but Jesus, Pat, he said, I'm starving.
15:46So they went into a chippy and got two steak and kidney pies.
15:49They're walking along the road, eating the pies, and they come to a big car showroom,
15:53and there's these Jaguars in the window.
15:55In he goes, and Mick says to the salesman, excuse me, sir, how much are the Jaguars?
15:58He said, £9,000 each.
16:00Mick says, give us two.
16:05Pat said, I'll get these, you've got the pies.
16:18Two lunatics out on a bike ride, me and our kid.
16:25One of them gets off his bike and lets the tyres down.
16:28And his mate says, what do you do that for?
16:30He said, the seat's too high.
16:37So his mate gets off his bike, gets his spanners out, takes the handlebars off,
16:42takes the seat off, and puts the handlebars at the back.
16:46And puts the seat at the front.
16:49And his mate says, what do you do that for?
16:50He said, if you're going to mess about, I'm going home.
16:53LAUGHTER
17:05You all used to watch Huey Green's show, didn't you?
17:07Double your money, say yes.
17:08Yes.
17:10And this fellow won £32 and went on the treasure trail answering questions on sport.
17:16And he gets up to £250 and Huey says,
17:19will you come back next week and tell us,
17:21are you going to take the £250 or try for the £500?
17:24He said, right-o, Huey.
17:26So he came back next week and Huey says, what are you going to do?
17:28He said, I'll try for the £500.
17:30Huey says, right-o, go in the box.
17:34Put the earphones on.
17:37Now, understand, old son, I can't help you.
17:41Monica?
17:42Monica?
17:47So now the £500 question on sport.
17:51Oh, thank you.
17:57Now, understand, old son, this question is in three parts.
18:01Do you want the first part first?
18:03Or the second part second?
18:07Or do you want the third part third?
18:10Or do you want the first part second?
18:17The second part first?
18:20Or the first part third?
18:23This fella says, I'll have the third part first, Huey.
18:28Huey said, who scored the goal?
18:44I'll be in the cinema.
18:46There's a fella sitting in the cinema.
18:48He's sitting there once.
18:48He's got his legs across the other.
18:49And he's going, oh, oh, oh.
18:54And the woman comes down and says, excuse me, can I get in?
18:56I want to get and see the film, you see.
18:59Oh, oh.
19:01So dear me.
19:02So she calls the man.
19:03She says, would you talk to this chap?
19:05You know, I want to see the film.
19:07He said, excuse me, sir.
19:08He goes, oh.
19:11He said, what's your name?
19:12He said, Charlie Brown.
19:14He said, where'd you come from?
19:15He said, the balcony.
19:22Who remembers Roy Rogers?
19:26Who was he?
19:30Roy Rogers, it's a fairy story.
19:33Roy Rogers riding across the desert one day.
19:35And he sees the cavalry.
19:37And he says, hi, cavalry.
19:39And all the cavalry say, all right there, Roy, lad.
19:45He came from Liverpool.
19:48He said, I've got some bad news for you, Roy, lad.
19:51He said, the ranch.
19:52You know your ranch, your ranch.
19:54The Apaches burnt it down the ground, down the ground.
19:57It's gone.
19:58He said, oh, God, look out.
19:59He said, hang on, Roy.
20:00There's a bit more.
20:02All your cows are down, brown bread, brown bread.
20:05Arrows in the head.
20:07All dead.
20:08He said, oh, God, look out.
20:10He said, hang on, Roy.
20:11There's a bit more, lad.
20:13You've raped your wife.
20:15You've raped your wife, staked it out in the desert, like that.
20:17Not like that, like that.
20:19He said, oh, God, look out.
20:21He said, hang on, Roy.
20:26Going to sing us a song before you go.
20:33I found a nice drive out from Morecambe,
20:35a little country pub in a village miles from anywhere up in the Lake District.
20:39Tommy was with me, my mate, the boozer.
20:41He said to the landlord, have you got a big black dog in this village with a white collar?
20:47Landlord said, no, we haven't.
20:48He said, well, have you got a big black cat with a white collar?
20:52Landlord said, no, we haven't.
20:53Tommy looked at me.
20:54He says, hey, ah, it was the vicar I ran over.
21:05He's getting absent-minded, though.
21:07He has to buy a loaf of bread to find out what day it is.
21:15And he's drinking heavy, as usual.
21:18He went to one of those continental coach trips for his holidays,
21:20and he was the only one on the bus that could see nothing wrong with the Tower of Pisa.
21:27He sucked so much on the boat coming back.
21:28They had to pay duty on him to get him back in the country.
21:34He came out of the pub drunk the other night.
21:36There were two nuns walking towards him,
21:38and one went either side of him.
21:39He says, how the hell did she do that?
21:48That's right.
21:49There's so many empty bottles in their back garden,
21:51it's put 200 quid on the value of the house.
21:57The whole family's potty.
21:59He's got a sister, Ethel, she's called,
22:01and she used to live in a terraced house,
22:03and the corporation were pulling it down,
22:04so they rehoused them in one of these big blocks of flats,
22:07this slinging up Miles High,
22:08and they were on about the 40th floor.
22:11They moved in the first day,
22:12they sent the kids out on the balcony
22:13to look down at the aeroplanes.
22:18He said to his wife, he said,
22:19Ethel, he said, it's our first real home, this.
22:21Hope you're going to look after it and keep it nice like it is now.
22:24She says, I will, I'm house proud.
22:27She went out Tuesday, didn't come back while Friday.
22:30He said, where have you been?
22:31She said, I've been doing the steps.
22:39The officer says, men,
22:42it's D-Day plus five and Rommel must be captured.
22:45I want one volunteer to capture Rommel.
22:47This Irishman says, oh, he's captured the rotten base.
22:50Where is he?
22:52He said, he's out in the desert, get a camel,
22:54two or three days' rations, and away you go.
22:56The Irishman jumped on the camel,
22:58out into the desert, six weeks later,
22:59they got a telegram back,
23:01send a bus, Rommel captured.
23:03Everybody was cheering their heads off.
23:05The Irishman staggered back into the camp,
23:07his uniform torn to pieces,
23:09the blood streamed out of a thousand cuts,
23:10and you're with his head.
23:11Well done, Mick.
23:12What a wonderful boost of morale your telegram was.
23:15Send a bus, Rommel captured.
23:18He said, you read the telegram wrong, sir.
23:20It was send a trust, camel ruptured.
23:33The comedians tonight were
23:35Eddie Flanagan,
23:37Colin Crompton,
23:39Mike Burton,
23:41Alan Brady,
23:43Charlie William,
23:44Frank Carson,
23:46Joss Wright,
23:47and Ken Goodwin.
Comments