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00:00The Comedians!
00:33Well, this long-distance lorry driver walked in this cafe on the M1, he said,
00:37I want a sausage, but burn the outside and undercook the inside.
00:42And the steak, burn it to a frazzle so I can't eat it.
00:45Some cold beans and the egg, cook the white, leave the yolk.
00:50He said, I can't do that. He said, why not? He did it yesterday.
00:59He said, hey, a fellow went to the doctor's, he said, hey, doctor, he said, I feel like a bell.
01:03Doctor said, you feel like a bell?
01:05So take these tablets.
01:06If you don't feel any better in the morning, give us a ring.
01:16Thanks to all, he's very nice.
01:18Size of him is in dressing rooms 17, 18 and 19.
01:24They're fat. Tell them they're fat like that, isn't they? Shocking.
01:28His wife's the same. She went to the sauna baths and lost four stone in one morning.
01:33One of the machines ripped her leg off.
01:47Erm...
01:47We're rude tonight, aren't we?
01:49Little boy says to his dad at dinner time, hey, dad.
01:51Can you eat caterpillars?
01:53He says, don't be so rude at dinner time, talking about things like that.
01:57Behave yourself.
01:59After the dinner, he said, er, what's this about caterpillars?
02:02Little lad said, oh, it's all right, dad.
02:04There was one on your lettuce, but it's gone now.
02:14Have you had your holidays yet?
02:17The first person he met when he was walking down Blackpool was George Roper and his wellies.
02:25And he said, where's the best boozer in Blackpool?
02:27And George said, you're looking at him.
02:31He's walking down the property and a big tall fella, six foot eight, tapped him on the shoulder.
02:35He said, can I, can I, can I, can I walk along the, uh, uh, uh, front of the hill?
02:42He said, certainly, by all means.
02:44He hadn't gone ten yards.
02:45He tapped me on the shoulder.
02:46He said, dear, do you see that blonde in the b-b-b-b-b-b-bikini, pa-pa-pa
02:50-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa there?
02:52He said, don't get excited.
02:53I saw that blonde in the bikini pass by there.
02:55Five yards further on, he tapped him on the shoulder.
02:57He said, dear, do you see that brunette in a t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t
03:00sweater, pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa.
03:03he said don't get excited
03:04I saw the brunette in a tight sweater
03:06five yards further on
03:08he tapped him on the shoulder
03:08did you see it, did you see it, did you see
03:10he said look, don't bother I seen it
03:13he said well what do you want to step in it for
03:29Imi Goldberg
03:30is telling his mate
03:31he says Morris
03:35I'm coming to Spain with the boys
03:36we're going over to Spain, nice holiday
03:38he says, you'll love it over there, nice sunshine
03:40lovely weather, nice food
03:42get creplet, loxion, all the lot
03:44he says no you're going by plane, he says I wouldn't fly
03:47I'm very unlucky he says
03:48them planes he says they're always crashing
03:50every time you open a newspaper, a plane crashed
03:53not me, he says I go by boat
03:55I'll see you there
03:57he went by boat
03:58and the boat sank
04:01plain it it
04:15the fellow went to see about his mate's funeral
04:17he said I've come to order a funeral
04:19he says how much
04:20he says well we have a thousand pound job
04:21he says that's 14 horses
04:24pulling a gold coach with gold handles on the coffin
04:28oak wood
04:28leaded line
04:301,000 people
04:311,000 mourners
04:33weeping and wailing
04:34behind the
04:34oh he said that's a bit too much that
04:36he said
04:361,000 pounds
04:37he said
04:38so we have a 500 pound job
04:40he said
04:41seven horses
04:42pulling a silver coach
04:43with silver handles
04:44and a pine box coffin
04:49and 100 mourners
04:51weeping and wailing at the back
04:53he said
04:54it's still a bit too much that
04:55he said
04:57how much have you got
04:57he says 15 quid
05:01he said
05:01well we can accommodate you people
05:02he says
05:03oh yes
05:03we have a pit pony
05:04dragging hand carts
05:05he said
05:09and we put the body in a sack
05:12and we have a one man band
05:16coming up behind
05:16you know
05:18top hat on
05:19blue shirt
05:20yellow trousers
05:21green shoes
05:23is he any weeping and wailing
05:24he said
05:24oh no
05:24we all have a bloody good laugh
05:28a new inmate arrived at the asylum
05:30walked into the governor's office
05:31the governor said
05:31what's your name
05:33he said
05:33Lord Nelson
05:34he said
05:35oh do me a favour
05:36he said
05:36what's your name
05:36he said
05:36Lord Nelson
05:37he said
05:38Lord Nelson
05:39is already here
05:40what is your name
05:41the fellow said
05:41that man you have here
05:42is an imposter
05:44I
05:45am Lord Nelson
05:47so the governor said
05:47to a second in command
05:48he said
05:48look put this fellow
05:49in with Lord Nelson
05:50for a week
05:50and let him sort it out
05:51among themselves
05:52so a week later
05:53he sent for this chap
05:54and he walked in his office
05:54and he said
05:55well
05:55are you still Lord Nelson
05:56he said
05:57no I'm Lady Hamilton
06:01oh dear
06:05there's two fellows
06:05in the jungle
06:07and they come to a swamp
06:08and one fellow said
06:09I'm going in for a swim
06:10he said
06:11you can't swim
06:11no
06:11it's a festival
06:12of crocodiles
06:13he said
06:13I'll swim
06:14so he stripped off
06:15and he dived in
06:15and he swam around
06:16the crocodile came
06:17and went
06:18whirr
06:19shish a dunk
06:21whirr
06:22whirr
06:23another like
06:24whirr
06:24he goes
06:24shish a dunk
06:25whirr
06:26whirr
06:29whirr
06:29and he got out
06:30and he was drying himself
06:30he said
06:31that was ridiculous
06:32he said
06:32that was ridiculous
06:33he said
06:33how did you get away
06:34with it
06:34he said
06:35it's easy
06:35look at that
06:36and on his arm
06:37was tattooed
06:38Manchester City
06:39for the cup
06:42he said
06:43what bloody crocodile
06:44is going to swallow that
06:52do you know
06:53I was in a pet shop
06:53last week
06:54funny things happen
06:54in pet shops
06:55I don't know why
06:55a fellow walks in behind me
06:56he walks up to the counter
06:57and he said to the fellow
06:58behind the counter
06:58in the pet shop
06:59he said
06:59he said
07:03have you got any of those
07:12have you got any of those
07:13he was all the chat chat
07:16he said
07:17when you go aloud
07:17they go aloud
07:18he said
07:18have you got any
07:19have you got any
07:20have you got any
07:22pee pee pee
07:23have you got any
07:24papoos
07:24have you got any
07:27parrots
07:31so the
07:36fellow behind the counter
07:37he was perfectly alright
07:39he said
07:43the fellow behind the counter
07:44said
07:44what
07:44he said
07:45what
07:45he said
07:54what
07:55he said
08:02so the other fellow
08:03said
08:05have you got any
08:11have you got any
08:18parrots
08:19the other fellow
08:20thought he was taking a mix
08:21so he said
08:24yes we have
08:30get quick
08:34so the customer
08:35said
08:36how
08:36how
08:36what
08:36what
08:39what
08:39what
08:39what
08:40what
08:41do you want
08:43you
08:44how much
08:55each
08:56each
08:56so the other
09:01so the other
09:01so the other
09:02fellow
09:02so the other
09:03fellow
09:04said
09:04he said
09:13they're
09:2150 new pence
09:25so the other fellow said well how how how what's the decent
09:30what's the decent
09:33what's the difference
09:34he said how come there
09:38he said how come there
09:4110 bucks
09:44and the other fellow said
09:48those up there they're on
09:50they're on higher purchase
09:52so the other fellow
09:53so the other
09:54so the other fellow
10:00can the parrot talk and the parrot looked down
10:02he said Roddy's not better than you two
10:31and he said Roddy's not better than you two
11:36Wonderful places, isn't it?
11:38Really make you feel at home here.
11:40No colour prejudice here.
11:42In fact, they've got a Pakistani coat on me, tenant here.
11:47Call my hat and my coat.
11:50LAUGHTER
11:53It's nice, it's nice, it's nice to be here.
11:55I've been visiting Charlie Williams in hospital.
11:58He's in hospital, you know.
11:59Charlie's in hospital.
12:00It's true.
12:01He's off colour.
12:01He is.
12:02He's bad.
12:03LAUGHTER
12:05I went in to see him, I did.
12:06I went to see him.
12:07And there was one fella struggling in, they pulled him in and he said,
12:10I'm all right, nothing wrong.
12:11He said, you're coming in, in the stretcher, took him to the bed
12:13and there was nothing wrong with him.
12:15He got the wrong fella.
12:17The crackers, I'm telling you, this is what's going on.
12:19We're paying all this money on the national health.
12:21They don't know what to do with.
12:23LAUGHTER
12:25So, as soon as the bloke went out the room, he jumped out the bed,
12:28got his clothes on, he's going down the stairs,
12:29fell down the stairs, broke his leg.
12:31LAUGHTER
12:33So they put him back, put him back,
12:35cos he was bad then, he had a bad leg.
12:38And he said, the complications, he said,
12:40you'll have to have your leg off.
12:42All right.
12:44Anesthetic, took his leg off.
12:47Came to see him the next day, he said,
12:48we've got some terrible news for you.
12:50He said, we've got some good news,
12:52but we've got some bad news.
12:54He said, well, let's have the bad news first.
12:58He said, well, we've took the wrong leg off.
13:02He said, but the good news, he said,
13:04the other one's getting better.
13:18Sends it out of grossness, you see.
13:19So he goes and he says,
13:20me mam said, can she have a can of beans?
13:22She wants a can of beans.
13:24Me mam.
13:25He said, for your mother, anything.
13:27For your father, nothing.
13:29So as he goes, half an hour later,
13:31he comes back, he said, lost the tin opener.
13:33Me mam's lost the tin opener.
13:37Will you open the beans?
13:39He said, for your mother, anything.
13:41For your father, nothing.
13:43So he opened the beans,
13:44and he handed them back.
13:45He said, me dad said,
13:46can he have five woodbines,
13:47or we don't have the beans.
13:53I'll tell you about that.
13:55I came from Jersey two or three days ago.
13:58Marvellous, nice place.
13:59And you get to Heathrow Airport.
14:01Beautiful place.
14:02You get some lovely laughs.
14:03In the departure lounge at Heathrow Airport.
14:05You get sounds, you go like this, you say,
14:07All'Italia announced the departure of their flight to Afan.
14:16Coo-coo.
14:20Just like him, isn't it?
14:27I could pick me nose at me, you wouldn't know?
14:30I'm sure it's not.
14:34All'Italia announced the departure of their flight to Athens.
14:39Calling at Gibraltar.
14:43Malta.
14:47Wigan.
14:50You don't say that.
14:51I don't like to do it in a lot.
14:54And then they say,
14:55The plane for New York will leave at 1750 hours,
15:00and the plane for Bermuda at 1522 hours.
15:04And you said there's two little artists.
15:05One said,
15:06Patrick, what do I do think we're going to land in Dublin?
15:08And the voice said,
15:10Air Lingus announced the departure of their flight to Dublin,
15:14which will leave when the big hand is at seven.
15:24Hey, and I was in court the other day as well, you know,
15:27and the judge said, what happened?
15:28I said, I was cleaning this lady's bedroom in us,
15:30and he said, go on.
15:31And I said,
15:31This lady came in the bedroom with a pair of thingies on,
15:34so he said, go on.
15:34And I said,
15:37I said,
15:37This fella coming with his watchits on,
15:39so he said, go on.
15:39And I said,
15:41They were dashing round the bedroom that fast,
15:43I couldn't tell what was going on.
15:44And he said,
15:46Are you going to tell us what happened?
15:47I said, I don't know.
15:49He said,
15:50Why don't you know?
15:51I said,
15:51My ladder broke.
15:54He said,
15:55He said,
15:55He said,
15:55The ladder broke.
15:55How did that happen?
15:56I said,
15:57Well,
15:57There were 17 of us on here.
16:02The judge was dead,
16:03man.
16:05He said to this fella,
16:06I'm sending you down for 15 years.
16:08He said,
16:08I can't do that.
16:09He said,
16:09Do what you can there.
16:12Don't they get upset?
16:13I'm on in court,
16:14I'm waiting my turn,
16:15there were three cross-eyed fellas in front of me.
16:18Three cross-eyed fellas in front of a cross-eyed judge.
16:24And the cross-eyed judge looks at the first cross-eyed fella,
16:26he said,
16:27What's your name?
16:29Second fella says,
16:30Smith.
16:35He said,
16:35I wasn't talking to you,
16:36and the third one said,
16:37I never said a word.
16:42Stood there,
16:43and this fella walks up to the bartender,
16:45he said,
16:46Could I have a sign of a minute when you send your number there,
16:48please?
16:51And the bartender said,
16:52Sir,
16:52he said,
16:55Hey,
16:56who am I,
16:56smarty son?
16:59You don't know how to say that big here for me,
17:01eh?
17:02The bartender said,
17:03No,
17:03he said,
17:03I've seen that.
17:04I said,
17:05Just up to the fella,
17:06he said,
17:06I'll have a large spot to do,
17:07dry a ginger,
17:08And the bartender said,
17:09Of course you can,
17:10sir.
17:11Is it I?
17:13Come here,
17:14lock in here.
17:16Come here.
17:18I've only seen you where to take the mickey out of me.
17:20The bartender said,
17:21No,
17:21I'm taking the mickey out of him,
17:22mother there.
17:30Like the animal style,
17:31like the vanus,
17:32there's a little high on,
17:33you see,
17:34walking through the jehungal.
17:36And he comes across a little mahonkey.
17:39And he said,
17:40Mahonkey,
17:40who's the king of the jehungal?
17:42And the mahonkey said,
17:43You heart,
17:44lie-ho.
17:45And he knocked L out of mahonkey.
17:47He said,
17:48Don't you forget a heater.
17:51And the third line,
17:52he came to a zebra-bra-bra-bra-bra-bra.
17:54He said,
17:54Zebra-bra-bra-bra-bra-bra,
17:56who's the king of the jehungal?
17:57And the zebra-bra-bra-bra-bra-bra-bra.
17:59He said,
18:00You heart,
18:00lie-ho.
18:02And he tore the jammers off it.
18:06Don't you forget it either.
18:09Third line,
18:09he came to an elephant.
18:10He said,
18:11Heliphant,
18:11who's the king of the jehungal?
18:13And the Heliphant picked him up,
18:15wrapped him round half a dozen trees,
18:18and threw him in the middle of this square hob.
18:22And the Lahaians staggered out of this square hob,
18:26went up to the Heliphants and said,
18:28There's no need to lose your temper
18:30if you don't know the answer.
18:40Don't mind me telling you a few jokes, do you?
18:42Eh?
18:43Don't mind, yeah.
18:44Yeah, I knew you wouldn't.
18:46Because there's just good Catholics here, you know.
18:49Every Sunday,
18:50we always go to church in Liverpool.
18:51And on one side of the street in Liverpool,
18:53there's a synagogue.
18:54That's where there's a gambling casino.
19:00On the other side,
19:01there's a Catholic church.
19:02And every Sunday morning,
19:03these two Jewish boys
19:04used to watch the left footers going in.
19:10One said to me,
19:10Hey, but you must be making a packet.
19:12Nipping in to see what's going on.
19:14So we lived into church
19:15with all the left footers.
19:17Half an hour,
19:18and he said,
19:18Hey, they're making a bomb.
19:20He said,
19:21Why?
19:22He said,
19:22Well, the priest gets up on the altar
19:23and he starts singing to the audience.
19:26I can beat you at dominoes.
19:33He said,
19:34What happens then?
19:35He said,
19:35The audience answer back.
19:37Oh, no,
19:39we can beat you at dominoes.
19:45So what happens then?
19:47He said,
19:47The priest gets up for the second time.
19:49Oh, no,
19:51I can beat you at dominoes.
19:56He said,
19:57All of a sudden,
19:57he said,
19:57Three blokes get up with plates
19:58and start collecting bets.
20:10I went to the doctor.
20:11Give me some strychnine or arsenic.
20:13He said,
20:13He said,
20:13I want to see the wife.
20:14I said,
20:14I'm sick of it.
20:15Couldn't stand another day with her.
20:17He said,
20:17No,
20:17you've no need to do it that way,
20:18Charlie.
20:19Make love to her
20:20any time you can.
20:21Morning,
20:21noon and night.
20:23Make love.
20:25She'll be dead in nine months.
20:28He said,
20:28Hey, sure.
20:28He said,
20:29I'm telling you,
20:29any time you can,
20:31make mad passionate love.
20:33Every minute of the day,
20:34if you can.
20:35He said,
20:36I'll try it.
20:37Three months later,
20:38he's going through the park.
20:39He sees this fellow in a wheelchair,
20:40all drawn and aggro.
20:46He said,
20:46How are you going on, Charlie?
20:47He said,
20:48Oh.
20:52Oh.
20:55I'm not so bad.
20:58He said,
20:58How's the wife?
20:59He said,
20:59She's over there playing tennis.
21:03He said,
21:10She looks fit, Charlie.
21:11He says,
21:12Hi.
21:12He says,
21:13She doesn't know she's only six months to live.
21:26The comedians tonight were
21:28Bernard Manning,
21:29George Roper,
21:31Bryn Phillips,
21:33Dave Butler,
21:34Mike Burton,
21:36Sammy Thomas,
21:38Dougie Brown,
21:39Josh White,
21:40and Ken Goodwin.
21:42All right.
22:09I appreciate it.
22:12You
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