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00:06Ladies and gentlemen, it's The Comedians!
00:39Murphy says to Casey, what's that you've got in your hand?
00:41He says, they're cod's eyes, two cod's eyes.
00:44He says, what are they for?
00:45For giving you brains.
00:47He says, you're joking.
00:48They're a pound each and they give you brain food.
00:52He says, I'll buy them off you for two pounds.
00:53He says, thanks.
00:54There you are.
00:55So I met him the next morning.
00:58He says, remember those cod's eyes you give me?
01:00I give you two pounds.
01:01He says, that's right.
01:02I could have bought 48 cod's eyes for two pounds.
01:06So there you are.
01:07They're starting to work right away.
01:17This lad was always fighting in scraps.
01:20The police took him in the police station there and his mother came to see him.
01:22She says, Tony, what's the matter with you?
01:24Always a fighting and playing and through and terrible fights.
01:28It's shocking.
01:30He says, don't talk like that, mother.
01:31She says, I'm a working holiday to make a nice little home for you and your father's
01:36are down the pit and he's working his fingers to the bones.
01:38What's the matter with you, Tony?
01:39She said.
01:40He says, don't talk like that, mother.
01:41She said, what do you mean, don't talk like that?
01:42He says, you're not Italian.
01:53But today, today the world's changing, isn't it?
01:55And we've got to be quick these days.
01:57Have you noticed how quick people are becoming?
01:59They've got an answer for everything.
02:00You know what I mean?
02:00The phone went in the hospital and the matron said, hello, yes.
02:03And a voice said, I'm inquiring about the gentleman in Ward A.
02:05Could he tell me how he is?
02:06She said, yes, he's very comfortable.
02:08He's having his operation tomorrow.
02:09Who's speaking?
02:10He said, it's a bloke in Ward A.
02:11Nobody tells me anything, you know.
02:22I had a hell of a journey from Wales to Manchester.
02:24You know, I came through Birmingham.
02:26That's a rough place.
02:28Driving through Birmingham, I saw these two Birmingham fellas beating up a white man.
02:41Oh, dear, Andy.
02:45Oh, I like them, Stuart.
02:46Don't you all like them?
02:50It's low.
02:51No, no, hold on.
02:52No, hold on.
02:53We're not codding.
02:54We're not codding because I can't stop too long tonight, you know.
02:57I've got to go back to Africa, you know.
03:00It's a long way in a canoe.
03:03Have you ever rode a canoe?
03:06Who?
03:06Mind you, as I said, when we take over, there'll be no one that'll burn mine then, because we're in,
03:11you know, and that's it.
03:13We're not like you go on canoes, you're saying you're on a ship, you know.
03:17And you'll be, hey, hold.
03:21Hold on.
03:22This is true, this.
03:23There were a little midget, you know, and a grand little fella, and he got on a train at Donny,
03:28and he was going through to, well, he was going to Peterborough,
03:30but he got on this train, and he's belted along, and he said, he said, there you are, we're off.
03:35They said, London.
03:36He says, I'm on a show at Peterborough.
03:38He said, well, we don't stop.
03:39He says, you'll have to stop.
03:41He said, we don't.
03:42He says, you'll have to do.
03:44He said, well, he said, hold on, I'll go see.
03:48Drive us, see what we can do for the old love.
03:50So he said to the driver, he says, this midget is on a show at Peterborough, can we help him?
03:56He says, only one thing we can do, we'll slow down, go in through the station.
03:59He said, and he says, fetch him here.
04:02So he says, come here.
04:03He says, look, cop.
04:06He says, Peterborough.
04:08He says, but we don't stop.
04:09He says, I know, but I'm, he says, well, look, I'll tell you what I'll do.
04:11He says, we're getting near, I'll slow the train down.
04:14He says, I'll pick the hook with scruff at neck.
04:17Hang the hat at window, and get the little legs going, see.
04:21So he does this, and his legs are going.
04:24And he dropped him smack on Peterborough station, and he's going like, whoa.
04:28And God looked at me, see, so he whipped him up.
04:31He says, bye, go on down hill, he missed it that time.
04:38No, actually, you read a lot about in a paper.
04:44You read a lot about different things in a paper.
04:46You read about heart transplants.
04:47Well, I was in the northeast of England about four weeks ago.
04:50And there were three fellas in the club having an argument.
04:52One was an American.
04:53He said, Mac, in the States, we transplanted a kidney into a guy.
04:56And three weeks later, he was out looking for work.
04:59A Russian fella got up.
05:01He said, in Russia, we transplanted a heart into a patient.
05:04Two weeks later, he was out looking for work.
05:06A little Yorkshire fella got up.
05:07He said, I'll tell thee what.
05:10He was a Welsh Yorkshireman, his fella was.
05:15We transplanted a fella from Huddersfield into 10 Downing Street.
05:18Three weeks later, there were 200,000 out looking for work.
05:35Well, it's true, there's a lot of unemployment all over the country.
05:37I mean, take South Wales.
05:42My friend Di hasn't worked for 40 years.
05:44He hasn't worked for so long.
05:46One of his insurance stamps is worth more than a penny, black.
05:52Shows how lazy they are in the family.
05:53His son hasn't worked for 10.
05:55Sitting in the kitchen one day, he said,
05:57Son, go outside and see if it's raining.
05:58He said, I've got a better idea.
05:59Call a dog in, see if he's wet.
06:10How lazy can you get?
06:14Even sprays his lawn with pink gin so the grass will come up half cut.
06:21He was lying in bed.
06:23He was lying in bed one afternoon, meant in a puncture.
06:33Be careful, love, somebody could have said that tomorrow night.
06:40His wife should get out of bed.
06:44Get out of bed, get down to the assistant's office and get some money.
06:47He walks in the assistant's office and has a clerk behind the counter.
06:50He said, just a minute, please.
06:54You've got to wait your turn like everybody else.
07:00No wonder the country is going to rock and ruin.
07:03All you Welsh people emigrate to England and you don't go to work.
07:14He said, you've got to start work.
07:15What's your occupation?
07:17He said, I was a Zeppelin maker.
07:26He said, that's enough of that nonsense.
07:27You've got a job.
07:28You're starting in a film as Long John Silver.
07:30You start on Tuesday, 250 pound a week.
07:32He said, 250 quid a week.
07:34I'll start on Monday.
07:37He said, no, I'll be in hospital on Monday.
07:38I'll have your leg off.
07:52And what about this woman that come running out of the bank screaming blue murder?
07:57And this policeman said, what's up?
08:02She said, an elephant's just been in and robbed the bank.
08:05He said, will you recognise it again if you see it?
08:09She said, no, it had a stocking over its head.
08:22And it's funny, you know, it's funny because, but, you know, when I go shopping now and I'm
08:28not acting daft, you know, and I'm being serious and I walk in and I walked into this shoe shop
08:35and I said, a pair of crocodile shoes, please.
08:38He said, certainly.
08:39What size is your crocodile, say?
08:47We're having a good time, aren't we?
08:51I have the same trouble getting a suit, you know.
08:53I walked into this shop and I said, I want to try that suit on in the window.
08:57He said, well, you can't.
08:58You'll have to try it on in the cubicle.
09:05Hey, and I was in this pub, I was in this pub and this fella came in and he said,
09:09a double
09:10whiskey, drinks all round and have a pint yourself.
09:12And the manager said, thanks very much, £5.15.
09:15He said, I haven't got any money.
09:18He went, smack, get out.
09:21I don't come back.
09:22He said, all right then.
09:26So the next night, he come in again and he said, a double whiskey, drinks all round and
09:31nothing for you.
09:35He said, why?
09:36He said, you get nasty when you've had a drink.
09:41Oh, you cramp.
09:44Do you know, I'll do my best for you all, like, you know.
09:50I will.
09:50If I can keep you in this country, I'll do it.
09:56No, because I like your coloured people.
09:57I think you deserve it.
10:03Now, you know, this red Indian, different from them others, this one.
10:08He got wedged on and he brought his squaw over to, you know, into Manchester, got in
10:12this big posher tell.
10:14So they had a jar or two and then they went to bed, you know, and at one o'clock
10:17he woke
10:17up, he gave her a nudge, he said, squaw, water.
10:20So she nipped out and comes back with a glass of water, doesn't she?
10:25Three o'clock, squaw, water.
10:28Off she goes, comes back with glass.
10:30Five o'clock, nudge her again, squaw, water.
10:33She goes, she comes back, empty glass.
10:36He says, squaw, why no water?
10:38She said, sorry, chief.
10:40Pale face sat on well.
10:42Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
15:57The fella, the little Greek, used to walk in every morning
16:01and shout to the fella in the Chinese restaurant,
16:03What's for dinner today, Wong?
16:04Flied lice?
16:05So he got fed up listening to this flied lice,
16:07and he went to the university until he was able to speak proper English,
16:10and he was able to say fried rice.
16:12So the little Greek walked in one morning and shouted,
16:14What's for dinner today, Wong?
16:16Flied lice?
16:17He said, No, it's fried rice, you glit glit.
16:26I wish me dad had been here, because he'd have enjoyed your company.
16:28He's great, me dad, you know.
16:29He's on the docks, actually.
16:30He's in C Division.
16:31You know C Division.
16:32Sea that.
16:33Sea these.
16:33Sea them.
16:37He's great now.
16:38He used to be in the Navy.
16:39I remember, on his last voyage, he thought,
16:41I'll bring me mother something home to remind her of the days at sea, you see.
16:44So he bought me gran this huge parrot, 250 pound,
16:47and he brought it home, and my gran was a bit mutton Jeff, you know.
16:50He said, I've brought this parrot home here.
16:55It'll talk to you.
16:57And keep you company in the rocking chair.
17:01The parrot will talk.
17:03She said, Eh?
17:05He said, You see this bird here?
17:10It'll talk to you.
17:12In nine languages, the bird.
17:16She said, How?
17:17He left it with her.
17:18He went back the week after.
17:19He said, How's the parrot?
17:21She said, Lovely.
17:22The flesh just fell away.
17:33But it's wrong, isn't it?
17:34It's wrong.
17:34And people, you know, today, they've got a funny outlook today.
17:37I mean, people in Liverpool, for instance, think that all comedians are going to get up
17:40and skip the dockers, you know.
17:41And this is wrong, because I don't know whether you've heard,
17:42but in Liverpool, things are slack on the docks now.
17:44Fellas are taking stuff back.
17:49And this is true, you know.
17:50I mean, there's a big American got off the boat with a big hat and a cigar, you know.
17:53Here's my cigar.
17:54The rest of me's coming.
17:55And he's walking up the road, and there's a big circle of dockers like that.
17:58And in the middle, on the floor, there's an old fella.
18:03The young said, What's wrong with him?
18:04He said, He wants to go to the toilet.
18:06He said, Why doesn't he go?
18:07They said, It's dinner now, eh?
18:10They don't understand this, do they?
18:12They don't.
18:13They don't.
18:15Look at the poor old soul, went to the parish priest.
18:17He said, Father, I'm dying of neglect.
18:18I've got no gas, no coal, no food.
18:21What am I going to do?
18:22The priest said, You want to ask God to help you?
18:23He said, I will.
18:24So he wrote a letter to God.
18:27Dear God, I'm stuck for a few bob.
18:30If I had a hundred quid, it'd look after me for the rest of me days.
18:33And he put it in an envelope.
18:35God, care of heaven, stamp.
18:37And the fellow in the GPO opened it up.
18:39He said, Look at that, the poor old soul.
18:40So they had a collection for him.
18:41They got £95, sent it back.
18:43He was delighted.
18:44He wrote back, Dear God, thank you for the medical.
18:46I know I asked for £100 and only £95 came,
18:49but it's probably one of them robbing swines in the post office.
19:00Father Murphy was going over to Rome to study for eight years
19:03and Bridget Flanagan went up to him.
19:05She said, Father, when you get over there,
19:07would you say a prayer in St. Peter's Basilica
19:09that I'll have a little family?
19:11He said, Don't worry.
19:12When I get over there, I'll light a candle for you.
19:14Eight years later, he came back.
19:16Mrs. Flanagan went up.
19:17She said, Father, God love you.
19:18You're a saint.
19:19You'll be canonised.
19:20The two children, the kids, the twins, are upstairs.
19:23The other three wee fellas are at school
19:24and the other two's in the nursery.
19:26He said, Glory be to God, where's your husband?
19:28She said, He's away over to Rome to blow out a candle.
19:41It's a daft one, isn't it?
19:45See, I've got the four Irish fellas
19:46thinking of robbing the bank, so they're organising it.
19:49The four of them are doing the wellies.
19:54Pat, the brains.
19:56He said, well...
20:02Now, look, lad, now, Michael, now, you're ready.
20:09What I want you to do, get your gun
20:13and rush in
20:15and stop any of the customers,
20:17get them up against the wall
20:19and, er, if there's anything, shoot them.
20:23He said, He will, da.
20:24I will.
20:26I will.
20:30He said, er, I'll be outside in the car
20:32cos I've got the worst job.
20:35He said, Right.
20:36He said, Now, Sean, what I want you to do,
20:38he said, is to nip in after Pat
20:40and jump over the counter
20:42and get the tillier.
20:43Come on, with the money.
20:46and make a lie on the floor.
20:48Put your welly on the head
20:49and keep it there.
20:55I will, da.
20:56Yes.
20:57I will.
21:07Now, Pat, now,
21:08you want your job.
21:09He said, Now,
21:10what I want you to do,
21:10I'll be outside,
21:12I'll be outside in the car.
21:14because I've got the worst job,
21:15the hardest job of the lot
21:16in the car.
21:18He said, You nip in
21:19and open the safe,
21:20blow open the safe now
21:21and get the money out.
21:22Right.
21:24Now, we'll meet here now,
21:25synchronise your watches now,
21:27we'll meet here at nine o'clock.
21:28Right.
21:29Now, I'll be out in the car
21:30cos I've got the worst job.
21:33He said, Now, hang on a minute,
21:35we're robbing the bank
21:35and you're sitting,
21:36why come you've got the worst job?
21:38He said, Well, there's no tax on the car.
21:42The poor man shouted,
21:43Murphy, you're sacked.
21:45He said,
21:45I can't hear you.
21:47He said, You're sacked.
21:48I can't hear you.
21:50You're sacked.
21:52I can't hear you.
21:53He said, To hell,
21:53I'd sacked someone else.
21:57I knew one fellow woke up
21:58five o'clock in the morning,
21:59very superstitious fellow.
22:02Five o'clock in the morning,
22:03he went downstairs
22:04and his landlord
22:05had given five boiled eggs
22:06for breakfast.
22:07Five boiled eggs.
22:09And the milkman delivered
22:10five pints of milk.
22:11He thought,
22:12That's a coincidence.
22:14He got the morning paper
22:15that it was the fifth day
22:15of the fifth month,
22:161965.
22:18He thought,
22:19That's a coincidence.
22:20Five boiled eggs,
22:21five o'clock in the morning.
22:23Fifth day of the fifth month.
22:25He said,
22:25I'll have a bet.
22:26So he borrowed the fiver.
22:30He got the number five
22:32bus to the races.
22:33He paid five minutes
22:34on the bus.
22:35He got off at the fifth stop.
22:40Paid five shillings
22:40to go into the races.
22:41He waited till the fifth race,
22:42put the five of the bottles
22:43on the fifth horse
22:44in the fifth race
22:45and he came fifth.
22:57If you ever come to Wales,
22:58don't panic
22:59because a lot of people
23:00were worried
23:01because they were going
23:01to get a Russian spy.
23:02come into Wales
23:04and it's quite true.
23:05He came out to Wales
23:05and he had to make contact
23:06with another spy
23:07by the name of Jones
23:11and the password was,
23:12there'll be snow
23:12in Barry Island tonight.
23:15Well,
23:15this Russian spy
23:16got off the train
23:17in a little place
23:17called Abercunnan.
23:18Walks up to a little
23:19Welsh station master
23:20and said,
23:20Can you tell me
23:21where I can find
23:23someone by the name
23:24of Jones?
23:26Jones.
23:26The station master said,
23:27Jones,
23:28now let me see,
23:28we've got Jones the butcher,
23:30Jones the baker,
23:30Jones the coal,
23:31Jones the milk.
23:32We've got a singer
23:33by the name of Jones,
23:34which is not unusual.
23:38In fact,
23:39he said,
23:39my name is Jones
23:40and the Russian said,
23:41there will be snow
23:41on Barry Island tonight.
23:43He said,
23:43is Jones the spy,
23:43you want.
23:46Ladies and gentlemen,
23:47good night,
23:48God bless you.
23:58The comedians tonight
24:00were Ken Goodwin,
24:03George Roper,
24:04Charlie Williams,
24:06Tom O'Connor,
24:07Bernard Manny,
24:09Bryn Phillips
24:09and Frank Carson.
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