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00:05Ladies and gentlemen, it's The Comedians!
00:38Two fellas on a plane together, the first time we ever went on a plane, dead funny this,
00:42two Irish fellas. One says Pat, he said, wouldn't it be funny if we fell out? He said, don't
00:51be silly. He said, we've been friends such a long time. One of them went to see the boss,
01:01you know, he was always brushing the streets, this fella. He says, I'm fed up, fed up. Brush
01:06this road, brush that road, brush the other road. He said, I'm fed up. He says, I'm going
01:11to get home overnight. He said, I'm tired. He said, all right, in the morning, I'll give
01:15you a better job. We'll just give you two roads to do. He said, thank you very much.
01:21Which are these, at the M6 and the M1?
01:30Casey went into a wake, and he walked into the wake, and of course he was half slewed,
01:35do you see? He walked into the wake, and he thought it was the coffin, and he lifted up
01:39the lid of the piano, and he said, heavens, I don't know who you are, but it's a marvellous
01:43bloody set of teeth.
01:49Hey, oh, hold on. Hold on. This bloke, you know, watching the buzzer? A nice fella,
01:55and he got a dog. Grand dog, it was. And he sat down, having a pint, so bloke says,
01:59I've got a grand dog there, old love. He said, I know, it's a good one. One man dog,
02:04do I tell it? He said, that's sure. He said, I'm certain. He said, well, give us a sample,
02:08what can it do? He said, well, right, watch this. He said, sit there. Like that to the
02:12dog, you see. He did. He put ten bob in its mouth. He said, up to that bar out, son,
02:21and
02:21fetch two packets of trees and a pork pie. And it went up. Two packets of trees, pork pie,
02:27come back, change it lot. He said, what's the reckon? He said, very nice. Bloke said, I'll be
02:34a fiver. He said, right. Says the dog here. Fetch a tin of biscuits. The dog never budged.
02:42He says, here. Fetch a pan of steak. Never budged. He said, I tell you it's a one man dog.
02:48Fiver they owes me. Little bloke said it corner smoking a pipe. He said, I'll make it do what
02:53I want, mister. He says, can that? He said, I can. I'll bet thee a fiver. He said, fair enough.
02:58That never fiver, old fruit. Sort of little fellow walked up. He says, fiver on. He said,
03:04yes. He says, put it on the table, old lad. Put fiver on the table. He covered it. He grabbed
03:08on it. Now he choked it on fire. He said, get off.
03:17The fellow walked into the wee bruiser and poured a darn. He shouts, fools on the right.
03:22Idiots on the left. Never known for weeks. So this fellow said, they hadn't tried weight
03:26on that fellow coming in. So the fellow walked in. He said, fools on the left. Idiots on the
03:29right. He said, just a second. I'm no fool. He said, right. Stand on the left.
03:37A little limey coins in hospital there. And it says on his card, an enema every half
03:43hour. And this nurse came along and she'd given this an enema. Five minutes later, another
03:50nurse, she'd forgot to mark the card. Another nurse come and she'd give him an enema. And
03:57seven nurses gave him an enema. And he was missing. And they're looking all over for him.
04:06And they looked in the toilets and they knocked on the door there. They said, Mr. Coyne, are
04:12not a friend or an enema.
04:26Maurice Showman, very wealthy tailor, was dying. And all the family's around and he's taking
04:33his leisure. And Maxie says, Papa, where's the money? Where have you hidden the money?
04:48The black box. Where's the money, Papa? He says, oh, oh. They looked under the bed, nothing.
04:59Says, Papa, where's the money? Oh, oh. They got McAlpine's in, they sunk a 30-foot shaft.
05:12Didn't find a carrot. Three weeks later, the old fellow gets better.
05:17He says, Papa, three weeks ago when he was dying, we asked you where the money was.
05:20And you kept pointing down like that. What was the idea? He says, son, I was too ill to
05:27do that.
05:39You've seen Bernard Manning on the show many, many times.
05:43Dear old Bernard. Tight. Oh, he's mean. He's mean.
05:49Bernard Manning drinks whiskey and whole licks. When it's his turn to pay, he's asleep.
05:59A fella playing golf. He goes up the first tee, straight up the fairway, the ball goes
06:03over the top of the hill so he can't see it. Unbeknown to him, the ball has bounced off
06:06the side of the fairway, gone in the road, gone through a car window, hit the driver in
06:10the temple. The temp driver's gone under the bus, the bus has gone over the end of a road,
06:13over a railway, the trains run into the bus, 485 people killed. He don't even know it's
06:19happened, walking up the fairway. As he's walking up there, a fellow went, he said,
06:23all right, mate, you've got a dumb, not number 65. He said, no. He said, do you know what's
06:28happened to your ball? He said, no. He said, you've hit the ball, mate. It's bounced off the
06:34fairway, over in the road, right through a car window, hit the driver in the temple. The
06:39driver's passed out, skidded his car right under a coach. The coach has gone over the
06:44cliff, right in front of a tee. 485 people killed. He said, oh, no. Oh, God, God, no. What
06:55can I do? What can I do? The other first gentleman, if you turn your wrist a little bit more
06:58that
06:59said, boy, you won't get to sleep. Happy days. I remember when I was a little lad, you
07:09know, and my dad used to always say, Ken, you know, if you want to get on in the world,
07:14you
07:14must start saving your pennies, you know. And he said, so, you know, put all your pennies
07:18together in that little yellow box there. He said, and when you get sixpence, put them
07:22into that blue box over there, and then when you've got a shilling, put them into that red
07:26one over there. So I did. And it wasn't until I was 17 I realised, oh, putting them in the
07:31gas meter. I saw my mate on the street the other day, you know. I said, where are you
07:42going? He said, I'm taking the wife to the docks. I don't like the look of her. I said,
07:46well, hang on, I'll get mine. I can't sell my sight of her.
07:56The fellow went for a job as a lorry driver to the interview and he saw the manager and
07:59the manager said, do you know Manchester? He said, no, I don't know Manchester very well.
08:02Oh, he said, well, do you know Birmingham? He said, no, I've never been to Birmingham.
08:05He said, well, do you know Glasgow? He said, well, no, I've never been to Scotland in my life.
08:09So he said, well, will you let you know? So the fellow walked out and he saw this other chap
08:12waiting for the job from Western Super Mayor and he said, listen, he said, go in there and kid the
08:17fellow that you know everything and you'll get the job, I'm sure. And he said, oh, thanks ever so much.
08:21So he walked in and the manager said, do you know Manchester? He said, well, he said, believe it
08:25or not, he said, I was born in Manchester. He said, oh, that's very nice. He said, well,
08:32he said, do you know Birmingham? He said, well, actually, he said, I lived a long time in Birmingham.
08:35He said, my wife comes from Birmingham. He said, I know it like the back of my hand.
08:39Well, he said, that's fantastic. He said, do you know Bishop Auckland? He said, know him? He said,
08:42he married us. This, put it back up. Come closer. This, this mouse went to a music shop
08:55and he said to the fellow behind the counter, he said, can I have a mouse organ? And the
08:59fellow said, he said, that's funny. That's funny. You're the second little mouse that's
09:04been in here today asking for a mouse organ. And the little mouse said, the other one must
09:08have been our moniker. He's my friend too, aren't you, Dave? Every time I come to
09:17Manchester, he texts me home, you know, so his kids can choke on me.
09:28But you must have heard about that Pakistani, who would make the car freight on the buses.
09:32One morning last week, this Pakistani walked in the bus depot, he took a gallon in a petrol,
09:39pulled it over himself and took a match in protest. He very quickly died. But his mates on the job
09:48felt sorry for him.
09:49He held a collection for his relatives and friends. At the end of the week, they had 95 gallons of
09:55petrol.
10:04This big black fella was a conductor on a bus. You see? And there was this old lady getting off
10:11the bus and he kicked her off the bus.
10:14This was in the States. So they brought him up the court, sent him to the electric chair and just
10:18before they were going to pull the switch, the warder says, have you any last request? He says, yes. I'd
10:23like a banana.
10:25So they give him another banana. So they give him the banana, eat the banana, they pulled the switch, nothing
10:28happened, they had to let him go.
10:31Six months later, he's on the buses again. There's another old lady standing there waiting to get off, kicks her
10:36off the bus.
10:37Took him back into court, the electric chair. They just got him into the electric chair, have you any last
10:42requests? He said, yes. I'd like a banana.
10:49So they give him another banana. He peeps a banana, eats a banana, they pull the switch, nothing happened. They
10:56had to let him go.
10:57So the governor retired and one day he met him. And he says, do you remember those times? See, this
11:04is the way I tell it. It's not funny otherwise.
11:06So he says, do you remember when me put you in the electric chair twice? We pulled the switch, nothing
11:11happened.
11:14He says, was it the banana that saved you? He says, no, I was just a bad conductor.
11:23I was just a bad conductor.
11:24Show!
11:27They did.
11:28Jim.
13:06Bernard Manning.
13:07He did the news again.
13:09It was reported in the morning paper,
13:13Bernard Manning was found outside his club bound and gagged.
13:17And the police have issued a statement to the effect that it wasn't his own gag.
13:31The fellow went to a tobacconist, he said, a packet of cigarettes.
13:34He says, 10 or 20.
13:35He says, 20.
13:35He said, do you want Turkish or Virginia?
13:37He says, Virginia.
13:38He said, do you want cork tipped or plain?
13:40He says, cork tipped.
13:41He said, do you want a soft pack or a hard pack?
13:44He said, never mind.
13:45He said, I've stopped smoking.
13:54He's not asleep, is he?
13:58Oh, this fellow come over to Liverpool for the job on the buses.
14:00And the inspector says, Mick, have you drove buses before?
14:03He says, I have.
14:04All over the world.
14:06And in Ireland.
14:09He said, all right, Mick.
14:10He said, start tomorrow at two o'clock.
14:12And Mick's day, half past one.
14:18And the inspector said, we're looking for Mick.
14:19He said, we're conductor.
14:21He said, we don't have conductors in Liverpool.
14:23It's all one-man buses.
14:24Mick said, I've done that before.
14:25He said, it's dead easy.
14:27All you do is take the money and away you go.
14:32I haven't told you.
14:34It's me mum.
14:37So Mick gets in the bus and about 10 minutes later, there's a phone call.
14:41There's one of your buses right through C and A-mode's window.
14:45The inspector dashes down there and there's Mick sitting there smoking.
14:48He said, what happened, Mick?
14:49He said, I don't know.
14:50He said, I was upstairs getting the payers.
15:02Fellow 150,000 quid on the pools.
15:04And he thought, I'll get myself a Rolls-Royce.
15:06So he went to the shop and he said, hello, could I see Mr. Rolls or Mr. Royce, please?
15:11They said, well, he isn't in.
15:12So I said, well, we want a Rolls-Royce.
15:14I've won all this money on the pools.
15:16And the salesman said, have you ever driven a Rolls-Royce before?
15:18He said, no, I've never had the money.
15:20I've never driven anything before.
15:22He said, no, well, you don't want to start with a Rolls-Royce.
15:24Oh, no, you want to get the feel of the road first.
15:26He said, get yourself a little mini.
15:28Then come back to us when you're more used to it.
15:30So we went round to the shop where they sell the minis.
15:32And he said, could I have a mini car, please?
15:33They said, have you been on the road before?
15:34He said, no, no, I haven't.
15:36Never driven before.
15:37He said, well, you don't want to start with a mini.
15:39You don't want to do that at all.
15:40He said, you want to get yourself a scooter to start with.
15:43Learn on that, he said, because if anything goes wrong,
15:45you can put your foot on the floor and slur.
15:48You can't do that with a mini until you've had it a couple of months.
15:59Get yourself a scooter.
16:00So he went to the scooter shop and they wouldn't sell him one.
16:02They said, have you been on the road before?
16:03He said, no.
16:04He said, well, you don't want to start with a mechanical thing like that.
16:07Get yourself a push bike to start with.
16:09So we went round to the push bike shop and he said, could I have a push bike, please?
16:12A £150,000 on the pools.
16:15So he said, have you been on the road before?
16:19So he said, no.
16:20He said, well, you don't want to start with them.
16:21They're mechanical, those.
16:23He said, you want to get yourself hoop and stick to start with.
16:25He said, be able to weave in and out the traffic and get the feel of it and the highway
16:34code
16:34and everything, you see.
16:35So he went to Woolworths and he bought hoop and stick.
16:38It was three and nine it cost him.
16:41So he got home and the following day, it was lovely weather, so he thought, I'll have a run
16:46to Southport.
16:52So he gets daft, do they?
16:56He put his crash helmet on and his goggles and stuck an L plate on it and he went bowling
17:04off, you see, towards Southport and halfway up the East Lancs Road he's getting a bit tired
17:08so he sees a transport cafe.
17:12He pulls in at the transport cafe, you see, and he parks his hoop and stick on the car
17:17park, tied the stick to the hoop so nobody had pinched it, you know.
17:24He wasn't a fool.
17:27And when he came back, it had gone.
17:29Somebody had pinched it, so he called the manager and he said, hey, hoop and stick, it's
17:32gone.
17:34The manager said, well, I don't want to any trouble.
17:35How much was it?
17:36He said, it was three and nine.
17:37He said, well, I'll give you the three and nine.
17:39He said, well, how am I going to get home?
17:43Oh, that's a great guy.
17:47This, this Gaelic, this Gaelic gentleman is digging a hole in the road and he's using
17:51one of these new Irish motorbikes.
17:53Have you seen him?
17:55And the foreman said to him, what are you digging that for?
17:57He said, well, I said, you see you digging, that's me again, you know.
18:02That was the drill the minute ago, look.
18:08He said, well, sir, he said, you see you're digging a hole of it there.
18:11Well, you're not going to have enough room to put all your dirt back in because you never
18:13do, sir.
18:14So I'm digging a hole here for you to put your spare dirt in.
18:19The foreman said, well, you'll have some dirt left over from this hole.
18:22He said, oh, no, I'm not, sir.
18:23Because I'm making this one bigger than that one over there.
18:36So this American fellow is driving through the streets of Ireland and he's got this brand
18:40new car, big new Cadillac car, and suddenly arrived at a little windy road and he got to
18:45this level crossing, just the one gate closed and one gate open.
18:48And he's popping his hooter going, pop, pop, pop.
18:53Just like when it did, look.
18:55Pop, pop, pop.
18:58And nobody came to see, so he got out of the car, he walked up with a single box and
19:02he
19:02knocked on the door and the fellow said, oh, is he?
19:07He came out, the Irish chap, he said, I'm trying to get my new Cadillac car, he said, I'm
19:11driving down to Cork, I want to get it on the boat to take you back to the States.
19:13And he said, you know, this gate's closed and one gate's open.
19:15Ah, well, sir, you see, sir, very good, sir, this, sir.
19:19I'll tell you the reason now, sir.
19:21These here, these here, sir, are the level crossings.
19:24Here, sir, here's the level crossings, sir.
19:27And these are the gates, sir.
19:29These, whenever we're expecting a train, sir, we close the gates of the level crossings.
19:34And it'll stop you from driving your new Cadillac car, sir.
19:40On to the level crossings, sir.
19:42Because if you get on to the level crossings, when the train, she's coming down, sir, she'll
19:45hit the Cadillac car and she'll spread, she'll spread your Cadillac car all over the fields
19:53of Ireland, sir.
19:54And you'll be in it, sir, and you'll break your glasses and everything, sir.
19:59It'll be a terrible, terrible thing, sir.
20:01So when we're expecting the train, sir, we close the gates.
20:04He said, I can appreciate that.
20:05He said, but just now, you've got one gate open and one gate closed.
20:08How else, sir?
20:09He said, you see, we're only half expecting the train today.
20:15I was, uh...
20:20I was working down in Plymouth a few weeks ago and I was on the hoe having a walk around
20:24and I saw this little Plymouth fella sat down on a bench, minding his own business,
20:27and this American came up.
20:29And he said to this little local Plymouth fella, he said,
20:30say, son, what's that heap of wood over there?
20:36And the little chap said, heap of wood, what are you talking about?
20:38Heap of wood.
20:39That's a timber yard.
20:40One of the biggest timber yards in Great Britain.
20:43He said, but I come from the United States of America.
20:48We've got matchboxes bigger than that.
20:51Say, son, what's a piece of iron sticking up out of the ground over there?
20:56He said, piece of iron, what are you talking about, piece of iron?
20:59It's a crane.
21:00One of the biggest cranes in Europe.
21:03He said, where are I come from?
21:04The United States of America.
21:06We've got my candle sets bigger than that.
21:09Just then the QE2 came floating around the harbour.
21:12So the little Plymouth fella looked up and said,
21:13number 36, come on in.
21:15You're half an hour's off.
21:23Skinny walks into a restaurant and holds out a meat pie, see?
21:27He said, waiter, come here.
21:31He said, there's a worm in my meat pie, ain't there?
21:33He said, monsieur, that is fat.
21:36He said, it's entitled to bits, eating all the meat, ain't it?
21:49The same skinny goes for a job on a building site, see?
21:51So he walks up the foreman's door,
21:54knocks on the door,
21:55a voice from inside said, hello there, hello there, hello there.
21:58Irish fella, see?
22:01So he said, got any jobs, pal?
22:04He said, I thought we have, we have.
22:06He said, terrific, terrific.
22:08He said, can I start this morning, son?
22:10I thought you can, you can.
22:11Stuck his bother boots on,
22:12jumped in a hole with nine other paddies.
22:14He went to get hold of a shovel.
22:15His hand hasn't touched his shovel.
22:16And a voice went, don't touch that shovel.
22:19That shovel belongs to Big Morphe.
22:21Big Morphe will kill you.
22:22He went, stick your shovel.
22:29He went to get hold of a pick.
22:30His fingertips haven't touched his pick.
22:32And the same voice went, don't touch that pick.
22:34That pick belongs to Big Morphe.
22:35Big Morphe will kill you.
22:36He went, stick your pick.
22:41He's gone to the tea.
22:42He hasn't sat down.
22:43His hand hasn't touched the mug of tea.
22:44And the same voice went, don't sit in that chair.
22:46Don't touch that mug.
22:47He said, hold up, hold up.
22:51I want you to listen to me, pal.
22:54Because personally, I don't like to hear too much of that.
22:58Don't hear too much of that.
23:01You're liable to get a little bit of that.
23:03Some of that.
23:05And a little bit.
23:05So use your brains and button it.
23:08Otherwise, I should be compelled to hang one on your trunk.
23:15He's gone outside.
23:16He's jumped to an hole with one shovel of dirt out of it.
23:18As he's got in his cell, a voice went, don't get in that hole.
23:20That hob.
23:21He said, I warned you, brother.
23:22Where is he?
23:23He said, he's not in today, but lives in the house across the road.
23:25He went tearing across the street.
23:26Went up to the front gate.
23:27Kicked open the front gate.
23:28Went up to the front door.
23:29Locked to the front door.
23:30A little old woman come to the front door.
23:31He said, he's big Murph in.
23:32She went, ah, ah, ah, ah.
23:34He pushed up to one side.
23:35Went all downstairs.
23:35No one downstairs.
23:36Lapt upstairs to the bedroom door.
23:37Wallop.
23:38In with the bedroom door.
23:38In this bed there was a fellow nine foot long.
23:42Big hairy chest.
23:42Gone over there.
23:43Pulled him out of bed.
23:44As you sat him up.
23:44Bang.
23:45In with the head.
23:45Out the other side of the bed.
23:46Picked him up.
23:46Left hand.
23:47Right to the chin.
23:48Right to the stomach.
23:48Wallop.
23:49Wallop.
23:49He falls.
23:50Traffic.
23:52As you've gone down again.
23:53Knee up.
23:54Bang.
23:54Crash.
23:54Over that way.
23:55Up that way.
23:56Boom.
23:56That's some more of that.
23:57Threw him against that door.
23:58Threw him against that door.
23:58Up the head.
23:59Down the bitch.
24:00Threw him back in the bed.
24:01Walking down the stairs.
24:02And the little old lady said, ah, you shouldn't touch the baby.
24:04Big Murph will kill you.
24:16The comedians tonight were George Roper, Frank Carson, Steve Payne, Charlie Williams, Bernard
24:25Manning, Mike Reed, Ken Goodwin, Dave Butler, Sammy Thomas, Eddie Flanagan, Colin Crompton,
24:34and Dougie Brown.
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