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00:04Ladies and gentlemen, it's The Comedians!
00:37Irishman, the Scotsman, and the Englishman caught by the cannibals.
00:40The cannibals chief said to the Scotsman,
00:44there's always an Irishman with an Englishman, a Scotsman.
00:46The Welsh can never get in there.
00:48He says to the Scotsman, where do you come from?
00:53He says, Glasgow. He said, stick him in the pot.
00:56He said to the second fellow, where do you come from?
00:58He said, I come from London. He said, stick him in the pot.
01:02He says to the Irishman, where do you come from?
01:04He says, Dublin. He said, let him go.
01:06The cannibals says to the chief, why are you going to let?
01:10He's an Irish cannibals as well.
01:15He says, why are you going to let that fellow go?
01:17He said, but the last fellow I had from Dublin in the pot,
01:19he ate all the bloody potatoes.
01:29Lancashire lad goes to this Jewish cemetery, says, can I bury me cat in consecrated ground?
01:33He says, what?
01:36Bury a cat in a Jewish cemetery? I should say not.
01:41He said, do you think if I went to the Catholic church down the road and give them £10,000,
01:45they'd bury me? He says, what? £10,000?
01:47Why do you tell me there's a Jewish cat?
01:55Man, you know what it's like when the lads go out and they have a drink,
01:57they like to go for a meal afterwards.
01:59Well, Dye's never been for an Indian meal. He fancied an Indian meal.
02:02So he's walking on Oxford Street, he saw a sign outside a shop saying Curry's.
02:05Went inside and he sold him a bike.
02:19I went into a little Chinese restaurant. Little Chinese, oh, you're marvellous.
02:25A little Chinese restaurant. No, we haven't got a lot of time.
02:28Little Chinese restaurant and there's a lovely little Chinese waiter. He said,
02:36What did you like? What did you like? I said, have you got frog's legs?
02:40He said, yes. Well, I said, leap over the counter and get me a drink.
02:52I was eating my frog's legs. In walks his big American, six for eight.
02:55He said, hey, Mac, do you mind if I join you at this table?
02:58I said, shut down, blow ice.
03:05In walked another waiter. He wasn't Chinese, he was Japanese.
03:08The American said, hey, Mac, you ain't from China? He said, no.
03:13Me all the way Japan. My name Chow Min. He said, what a coincidence.
03:18I was in Japan doing the war. We used to fly him in and fly him out.
03:21He said, during war. Me, Japanese efforts. Me, kamikaze pilot.
03:26He said, you one of the guys that used to go on them suicide missions and not come back.
03:30He said, that is true. He said, what are you doing here?
03:32He said, my name Chicken Chow Min.
03:46Farmer had a big sow.
03:52He said, I'm going to sell it. His mate said, don't sell it. Bring it over to my place and
03:54we'll put it with the boar.
03:57He said, I've got a big boar and we'll stick them together and we'll make a few boar.
04:01He said, right. So he stuck the great big sow in the wheelbarrow and took it over to his mate's
04:06farm and he put it with the boar.
04:09He said, now, how do we know whether it's all right or not?
04:13He said, well, in the morning, when you look out the window, if the sow is rolling in the mud,
04:17it's okay.
04:18It's pregnant. But if it's eating the grass, you'll have to bring it back.
04:24This morning, he opened the window and there's the sow eating the grass in the wheelbarrow to his mate, to
04:28the boar.
04:32Not getting bored, are you?
04:36So when he put it with the boar again, next morning, he woke up there, he was eating the grass
04:39again.
04:40So he had to put it back in the wheelbarrow. Push it all the way up to his mate's place.
04:45Next morning, eating the grass. Off he went again in the wheelbarrow. This went on all week.
04:49Saturday morning, he's having a lay and he said to his wife, Mary, for God's sake, look inside and see
04:53what the sow is doing.
04:55Whether it's rolling in the mud or eating the grass. She said, it's sitting in the wheelbarrow.
05:10And I saw this fellow with a long face and I talked to anybody in me that I talked about
05:15and I said, I said, what's up with you?
05:19And he said, I'm not going home to our house. I said, aren't you? He said, no. I said, why
05:29aren't you going back?
05:31He said, there's a terrible smell in our house. I said, is there? He said, aye, the wife keeps cats.
05:42I said, well, have you tried opening the window? He said, what, I'll let all my pigeons out.
05:52And what about this horse that collapsed in Piccadilly? And this policeman was stood there with his notebook ten minutes.
06:01And the sergeant said, well, what are you waiting for? He said, how do you spell Piccadilly?
06:09He said, erm, P-I-K-O. Drag it into Tib Street.
06:23Drag it into Tib Street.
06:30We'll all have bellyache, won't we?
06:35Hey, and what about the, and, and this, this, this village idiot joined the army.
06:40It wasn't me, but I knew him.
06:42And, er, he joined up and, erm, and he lost his rifle.
06:47And the CO said, where is it? He said, I've lost it.
06:51He said, you'll have to pay for it now.
06:53He said, I'm not paying for it, cos it's not mine.
06:57He said, you'll have to.
06:58He said, cos anything you get issued with in the army, if you lose it, you have to pay for
07:02it.
07:03He said, well, what would happen if I was driving a tank and I lost that?
07:09He said, you'd have to pay for it.
07:11He said, it's no wonder these captains go down with their ships, is it?
07:24Kelly and Flanagan went into the circus, and there was all these table tennis balls on the jets of water.
07:30So he lifted up the rifle, he said, watch this.
07:34Six of them.
07:36All the balls went down.
07:37He said, fantastic, Kelly, fantastic.
07:38But watch this.
07:39And he lifted the rifle.
07:40Bang!
07:41One shot and the whole lot went down.
07:42He said, how'd you do that?
07:44He said, I shot the fella pumping the water.
07:52He said, Sambo?
07:54He said, yes, man.
07:55He said, do you know that the black horses eat more than white horses?
07:58He said, well, no, I didn't know that.
08:02He said, how do you know that the black horses eat more than them white horses?
08:06He said, well, down in our farm, in Temporary,
08:11the black horses always eat more than the white horses.
08:14He said, why?
08:14He said, well, because we had more black horses than white horses.
08:23Oh, it can't be bad, can it?
08:25Not really.
08:26So there's this big darket, and he walks into this green grosses shop.
08:31He says, I'll have a half a cabbage.
08:34The lady behind the camera says, I'm sorry, we don't serve half cabbages.
08:39He said, I want a half a cabbage.
08:42She said, but we don't serve half a cabb...
08:43He said, I want a half a cabbage, madam.
08:45He said, all right.
08:46He said, just hang on.
08:46He said, I'll go and see the compriser in the back.
08:48So she walked in the back, and she said, hey, there's a nigger out there who wants half a cabbage.
08:52And this big darket was stood over, and she said, oh, this colour gentleman wants the other half.
09:02All Jewish crew in a Jewish ship during the war.
09:06I'm me Goldberg on the crow's nest.
09:10Schellstein, Morris, German submarine on the port bow.
09:14Fire number one torpedo.
09:18Morris, German submarine on the port bow.
09:21Fire number one torpedo.
09:25Fire it, I'll pay for it.
09:34Two lunatics talking to the asylum once said, what was you before you come in here?
09:37He said, I kept bees.
09:39He said, how do you make it pay?
09:40He said, well, I let them go in the park.
09:41Six o'clock every morning, they go in the park, collect all the pollen, and I sell the honey.
09:46He said, you're telling lies.
09:47He said, the park doesn't own well nine o'clock.
10:00He said, I know, but I know where there's all in the fence.
10:07This Irishman was in lodgings.
10:10The first morning he went to work, in his lunch, there was two slices of bread and one lump of
10:14cheese.
10:15When he came back that night, the lady said, did you enjoy your lunch?
10:17He said, it was very nice, only there wasn't enough of it.
10:21The second week, it went on and on.
10:24Two slices, four slices.
10:25At the end of three weeks, he was getting 96 slices of bread and 48 lumps of cheese.
10:31So she said, did you enjoy your lunch?
10:32He said, it's all right, but there wasn't enough of it.
10:35So she decided to try out.
10:36She baked a loaf, six foot high, four foot wide and 11 foot deep.
10:41She cut it in two and put a hundred weight and a half of cheese in.
10:45Loved it up in the newspaper.
10:48Four editions.
10:50Put it in his back and sent him to work when he came home that night.
10:52She said, did you like your lunch?
10:53She said, it was terrific, but I see you're back to the two slices.
12:56I must tell you, there's only two things in this world I hate.
13:00The first thing is colour prejudice.
13:03And the second thing are darkies.
13:18A fellow going round all the crematoriums buying all the ashes up and selling it to the cannibals in Africa
13:23as ready brick.
13:36I used to live in Mantle the hill up to a few months ago.
13:39Had a small bungalow, nice garden.
13:41But I quickly moved out.
13:44And I thought, guess what came to the next door to me?
13:48A pakistanic.
13:50LAUGHTER
13:53I was there in the garden.
13:56I was doing a bit of gardening.
13:59I saw this chap for the first time.
14:01His first words to me,
14:03I'm as good as you.
14:05LAUGHTER
14:09Well,
14:11looked at his packet over the garden fence.
14:14LAUGHTER
14:15I said, yeah.
14:16I said, you are as good as me.
14:18He came up next morning.
14:20Same thing again.
14:21I'm as good as you.
14:24I said, why this time you're as good as me?
14:26He said, I've got a house as good as you.
14:28He said, no, I'm as good as you.
14:29I said, all right.
14:30I accept that.
14:33He came out third morning.
14:35Same thing again.
14:36I'm as good as you.
14:38I'm getting sick of this.
14:43I said, why this time you're as good as me?
14:46I said, why the house as good as you?
14:48He said, no, I'm as good as you.
14:50I said, all right.
14:50I accept that.
14:51Definitely for the last time.
14:55It's our packet, Danny.
14:58He'd have come out next morning
14:59and said the same thing.
15:01It'd have been tribal warfare.
15:03LAUGHTER
15:06Instead, he came out next morning.
15:09He said, I'm better than you.
15:11LAUGHTER
15:16I said, how come overnight you're better than me?
15:19He said, but a house as good as you.
15:21I've got a car, I'm a good as you.
15:22I said, no, I'm a good as you.
15:24But ain't got no package, Danny, living anecdote to me.
15:29APPLAUSE
15:37I got my first fan letter today.
15:41LAUGHTER
15:44Do you get it?
15:46LAUGHTER
15:50I got a letter from my mum as well.
15:52She writes to me now and again.
15:54I'll just read it to you.
15:56My granny sent me one once, you know, but this one's from my mum.
15:59It says,
16:00Dear Ken,
16:02she's not Scotch, because they say that as well, don't they?
16:04Dear Ken.
16:05Do you get it?
16:07LAUGHTER
16:09My mum says that as well.
16:11Dear Ken,
16:13here are a few lines...
16:14Then she's written two straight lines underneath there.
16:17LAUGHTER
16:17Here are a few lines with the family news.
16:22You will be pleased to learn
16:24that your father now has a new job
16:27with 500 men under him.
16:29He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.
16:32LAUGHTER
16:38And your brother, John, has joined the army
16:42and he has only been in a fortnight
16:45and they have made him a court-martial already.
16:49LAUGHTER
16:52And he is going away for six months
16:56to give Her Majesty pleasure.
16:59LAUGHTER
17:09And it goes on to say here,
17:12your father now has started keeping pigs in the backyard
17:17and there is an awful smell from your loving mother.
17:21LAUGHTER
17:24She's as daft as me, she is.
17:26LAUGHTER
17:31I've never had a mother and father.
17:34LAUGHTER
17:37It's true.
17:39I think you'd better have this, aren't you?
17:42LAUGHTER
17:45You see, I was an incubator baby.
17:49LAUGHTER
17:50In fact, every Mother's Day,
17:52I sent flowers to an oil store in Huddersfield.
17:55LAUGHTER
18:05And then I was adopted.
18:08But they were poor.
18:11Oh, I came from a poor family.
18:13LAUGHTER
18:15We were so poor,
18:16my brother were made in Hong Kong.
18:19LAUGHTER
18:24You don't know what it's like to poo, do you?
18:28LAUGHTER
18:28Couldn't even afford laxatives.
18:31LAUGHTER
18:32LAUGHTER
18:33Me dad used to sit us on the potty
18:35and tell us ghost stories.
18:37LAUGHTER
18:53Hang on.
18:55LAUGHTER
18:56It's bloody good character acting, isn't it, eh?
18:59LAUGHTER
19:02LAUGHTER
19:03And I remember at Christmas
19:06when you all have your turkeys.
19:08We couldn't afford a turkey.
19:10LAUGHTER
19:11My dad used to go out and buy the budget chest expanders.
19:17LAUGHTER
19:20Then a fella used to come down our street with ice and cart,
19:24shouting,
19:24SWILL! SWILL!
19:27LAUGHTER
19:27And my mother used to run out and say,
19:29two buckets, please.
19:32LAUGHTER
19:37We get worse, don't we?
19:40LAUGHTER
19:41You're enjoying yourself tonight, pet, aren't you?
19:43Where you from, chicken?
19:45Where you from, darling?
19:47Stockport.
19:47Stockport?
19:49It's a fluffy place, don't you?
19:51LAUGHTER
20:02A load of rubbish, Dad, isn't it, Cheshire?
20:08LAUGHTER
20:08There used to be a story that used to go round,
20:09and I always remember it in a different way,
20:11but the way I tell it was about the train going through a tunnel.
20:15And in this train compartment was an old lady,
20:18a young girl, a United supporter,
20:20and a city supporter.
20:22And as they're going through the tunnel,
20:25the air...
20:25SMACK!
20:27And as they come out the tunnel,
20:28there was the city supporter with a black eye
20:31and a bloody nose.
20:32LAUGHTER
20:33And the old girl thought to herself,
20:35isn't that young girl brave?
20:38Letting that city supporter kiss her,
20:41and she smacking him in the mouth.
20:44LAUGHTER
20:45And the young girl thought,
20:47that's strange.
20:49LAUGHTER
20:50A city supporter kissing the old woman
20:53instead of kissing me.
20:54LAUGHTER
20:57And the city supporter thought,
21:00that United supporter's a lucky lad.
21:02He kisses the girl,
21:04and she thumps me.
21:06LAUGHTER
21:11And the United supporter,
21:12aren't I a clever little lad?
21:14I kissed the back of me hand,
21:15slept the city supporter in the gob,
21:16and nobody says a bloody word.
21:18LAUGHTER
21:21APPLAUSE
21:22Oh, that's lovely, though.
21:27LAUGHTER
21:28Tell you what,
21:28looking around the lovely women
21:29who wished I was here tonight,
21:30you'd love him, you would.
21:31He's got 26 children.
21:34LAUGHTER
21:34That's cos his wife is deaf.
21:37LAUGHTER
21:39LAUGHTER
21:40LAUGHTER
21:41Right?
21:42Every night he goes to bed,
21:43he says,
21:43should we go to sleep, love, or what?
21:44And she said, what?
21:46LAUGHTER
21:47LAUGHTER
21:48LAUGHTER
21:53Somebody knocked at the door one day,
21:54he said, what do you want?
21:55He said, I'm collecting for Dr. Bernardo's homes.
21:56He gave him six of the kids.
21:59LAUGHTER
22:03LAUGHTER
22:04LAUGHTER
22:04He's very, very good-natured,
22:05he's very good-natured.
22:06I remember the time he won about £65,000
22:08on a tan of double.
22:11LAUGHTER
22:12He turned to his mate, he says,
22:13come on, Yanto, let's go to London
22:14and stop in one of these posher tells
22:16you read about in the News of the World.
22:19LAUGHTER
22:20LAUGHTER
22:21Walking down through the streets in London,
22:22they saw a red light house at one place,
22:23he said, I'm not going in an else or Watney house.
22:26LAUGHTER
22:28LAUGHTER
22:29LAUGHTER
22:30They eventually stopped in his posher tell
22:32and they were on the 10th floor.
22:34One o'clock in the morning,
22:35paralytic drunk in the bedroom,
22:36and I turned to his friend, he says,
22:38Yanto, I fancy a swim.
22:41He said, where the hell can we get a swim
22:44this time of night?
22:45He said, the Thames.
22:47It's a boat, yeah, somewhere.
22:49He opened the bedroom window and he looks down,
22:51ten storeys below, he saw the roadway.
22:53It's been raining.
22:55LAUGHTER
22:56He said, get your bathers on,
22:58we're in luck, it's down for you.
23:00LAUGHTER
23:01He said, we can't walk through here
23:02telling no bathers, what'll we do?
23:04I said, dive off the window ledge.
23:06LAUGHTER
23:06He gets out under the window
23:08and he dives ten storeys into the road.
23:10WHISTLE BLOWS
23:13Picks himself up five minutes later.
23:16LAUGHTER
23:16Brushes himself down, looks up and says,
23:19Yando, move over to the left,
23:20I'm in a shallow end, yeah?
23:23LAUGHTER
23:25APPLAUSE
23:31The comedians tonight were
23:34Frank Carson, Bernard Manning,
23:37George Roper,
23:39Ken Goodwin,
23:40Sammy Thomas,
23:42Stu Francis
23:42and Bryn Phillips.
23:46APPLAUSE
23:57On the way,
24:01I'll see you later.
24:06My last pal.
24:07I'll be back here.
24:09Everwhal you,
24:09have a little bit of fun.
24:11Have fun.!
24:15Come
24:16on, they'll
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