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00:02Ladies and gentlemen, it's The Comedians!
00:34Like a shillad goes to the vets, flat cap, white raincoat, goloshes, woodbine.
00:40He said, I've come about me cat. It's poorly.
00:43He said, is it a tom? He says, no, I brought it with me, he said.
00:52The fellow went to the psychiatrist and said, I can't stop telling lies.
00:55He said, I don't believe you.
01:01Landlord knocked at this Irish fellow's door.
01:03He said, I'm going to raise your rent.
01:05He says, thank God for that, because I can't, he said.
01:11Trump walks in the doctor's.
01:13The doctor says, get out of here, you stink, you smell.
01:15Get out of here.
01:17Smell, get out!
01:19He said, the doctor next door told me that.
01:21He said, what are you doing in here?
01:22He said, I wanted a second opinion.
01:28Irish fellow goes for a job at the ICI.
01:31He said, I've come for a job, sir.
01:33He said, well, do you know anything about chemicals?
01:34He said, I do that.
01:36He said, what's nitrate?
01:37He says, time and a half, sir.
01:43Little old woman goes in this greengrocer's shop.
01:45She said, five pound of potatoes.
01:47He said, will you take King Edward?
01:48She said, no, let him come for his own.
01:58Two drunks walk in this hotel, well sloshed, straight up to the reception.
02:06He says, come here, pal.
02:09Have you got a room with two single beds in for me and Charlie?
02:13He said, certainly, sir, room 309.
02:15And they're both that drunk, they can both get in the same bed.
02:19He says, Charlie, that fella's twisted us.
02:23He said, we're getting two single beds, is someone in bed with me?
02:27He says, Fred, is someone in bed with me or no?
02:31He said, well, I'm going to sling mine out.
02:34And he gets hold of Charlie and bang, right down the wall.
02:39He said, I've slung him out, Charlie.
02:41He says, Fred, mine slung me out.
02:45He said, well, don't bother.
02:48Get in with me.
02:56Oh, no, don't stop.
03:00But mind you, I don't know if you notice, when you watch the telly, especially at home,
03:04and you go to the theatre at the seaside, you always find when a comedian comes on to get on,
03:08they always begin by saying, a very funny thing happened to me on the way to the theatre tonight.
03:13Well, it did.
03:15It was true as I'm riding this camel.
03:18I was driving along the road.
03:21And coming the other way was this lady driver, flashing her lights, pipping her on in a big white car.
03:27She got near me and she went into the window down.
03:29And she went, pig, pig, pig!
03:33I didn't know her.
03:34I didn't.
03:36She went, pig!
03:37So I went my window down and I went,
03:40yo, bag!
03:42And I run over a pig.
03:49And you do feel that.
03:54And right, I got outside.
03:56And there's two little boys outside.
03:58On the corner, a Jewish boy and a Catholic boy, arguing.
04:01And the Catholic boy said, our father knows more than your rabbi.
04:05And the Jewish boy said, I'm not surprised you tell him everything!
04:11I come in.
04:13And I thought, I'll have a walk round.
04:14And I'm walking up the main street there.
04:16And coming the other way was this fella.
04:18Knee-high boots, fishnet tights, hot pants.
04:23Handbag.
04:24But what made him stand out?
04:30He had this big alteration dog on a lead.
04:32And, ooh, it's a big thing.
04:35I thought, ooh, I'll follow this fella.
04:37And he went straight into a pub, went up to the barber, and he said, excuse me, love.
04:43By the way, I'm only acting when I do this.
04:47He said, listen.
04:48He said, give us a gym fizz.
04:52The barber said, I'm very sorry.
04:53He said, could you go elsewhere?
04:55He said, no, I can't.
04:56What do you mean, go elsewhere?
04:57Give us a gym fizz.
04:59He said, look, sir, it's a very respectable establishment.
05:01Would you mind going elsewhere, please?
05:02He said, no, listen, blue eyes.
05:07Cherry lips.
05:10I'm getting proper cross.
05:13Now, if you don't serve me, I've got my big dog here.
05:16And he's going to jump over the bar and destroy you.
05:21Now, give me a gym fizz.
05:23A fizzy one with a cherry on top.
05:25He said, look, sir, dog or no dog, no gym fizz.
05:27He says, get out.
05:28So he said, right.
05:29Rover sees him.
05:30And the dog leaped over the bar,
05:31pinned him against the glasses,
05:32and went, bousy, bousy.
05:47There's a fellow sitting in a cafe.
05:52A fellow sitting in a cafe,
05:53and he spills all his soup in his lap.
05:54And he shouts, manager.
05:55He said, yes, sir.
05:55He said, there's a soup in my flight.
05:58He's so, so.
06:01So and so, look at this.
06:02I know this man.
06:03He bought a new soup the other week.
06:04Two pair of trousers.
06:06Burnt a hole in the coat.
06:11Remember these big slave ships?
06:13Remember the slave ships
06:14and the fellow used to come out with the whip?
06:16Kinky one, you know.
06:21One day he came out.
06:22He stuck his whip in his belt.
06:23He said, right, lads.
06:25Chicken in the basket.
06:27Scampi in the basket.
06:28Egg and chips.
06:29Beans on toast.
06:30Anything you like.
06:31Bottle of ale.
06:33You're on.
06:33So on the slave, he said, what's going on?
06:35You know, why all this?
06:37He said, well, we want you to row a bit quicker tomorrow
06:39because the captain wants to go water skiing.
06:48I love this.
06:50I love this business.
06:52Me dad's in the business, you know.
06:53He does bird impressions.
06:54He eats worms.
06:58He went to my agent.
06:59He went to my agent the other day
07:00and he said, I'd like you to handle me, you know.
07:02And me agent said, what to do?
07:03He said, bird impressions.
07:04And he said, you'll never get on.
07:05There's millions of them now.
07:06You know, even me dad said, well, forget it.
07:07And he flew out the window.
07:15So this fellow was an Irish football referee.
07:18And he called the two lads and the two captain said,
07:20come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here, come here.
07:23We'll have extra time first in case it gets foggy.
07:32Do you know, there's an Irishman escape from jail here
07:34and he believed he got back to Ireland.
07:37And Scotland Yard sent a mug shot.
07:38You know the mug shot?
07:39One like that, one like that, one like that.
07:42And three weeks later, the Scotland Yard rang up and said, how are you getting on?
07:45He said, we've got two of them.
07:46We're looking for the other one.
07:52Anyway, there's this Liverpool supporter, he said,
08:00and he wakes up every morning and he puts his red and white hat on
08:02and his red and white scarf and his whistle and his rattle.
08:05And he goes, oh.
08:14I just go every morning.
08:21Every morning.
08:22And he goes all over Europe watching it.
08:24Every, you know.
08:25and one morning he come down
08:26I wait, I wait
08:36and his missus put his jam bread in front of him
08:39and she said, do you know Charlie
08:41she said, I think you love Liverpool more than you love me
08:45he said, I love Everton more than I love you
08:57United supporters in
08:59oh bless him, it's a lone ranger
09:04I don't know, he won the toss-up last week
09:11I'm always sitting the mickey out of United
09:12actually I'm a staunch United supporter
09:14Willie Morgan's an old friend of mine
09:16Willie Morgan plays outside left, outside right for United
09:19he went shopping in Stratford
09:21because his wife wasn't very well you see
09:22so we went shopping for her, which is a nice thing wasn't it
09:25and I was getting the shop in him because she wasn't very well
09:27he was walking into the greengrocer's shop
09:30and in come Joe Merson, Matt Busby
09:32well Matt came in first, he said, you're alright Willie
09:34he said, aye, aye
09:37look, aye, aye
09:38he said, how's the wife Willie
09:43he said, alright boss
09:44aye, she's alright, aye
09:49aye, aye
09:51so Matt said, look Willie
09:52nip off home and I'll get the shopping in for you
09:54wasn't that nice of Matt, wasn't it?
09:57he says, what do you want Willie?
09:58he said, I want some potatoes
09:59he said, I'll get you a potato, aye
10:01and we like it
10:02oh God
10:06as he's getting Willie Morgan's potatoes
10:08in comes Joe Mercer, lovely well-spoken fella
10:10hello there Matt, how are you there?
10:13hi kid
10:17he goes like that, doesn't he?
10:21he said, you alright Joe?
10:22he said, aye, aye, I'm alright
10:23aye, aye
10:26he said, what are you doing Matt?
10:31he said, I'm getting potatoes for Willie Morgan
10:32he said, it's a good swap
10:43and you see the British Rail went on go slow last week
10:45mind they'd been on it for six months
10:47but they only found out about it last week
10:51I like them daft stories, don't you?
10:54don't you?
10:55and you hear about the docker walking along the dock road
10:58kicking the tortoise to death
11:00the policeman said, what are you doing that for?
11:02he said, it's been following me about all day
11:12Irish fella
11:13they went to Wales looking for a job
11:15have you ever been to Wales?
11:16that's where all the sheep wear wellies
11:19anyway
11:22Mick said, the best job you can get in Wales Pass
11:24is down the pits
11:24now, if the foreman has you
11:26have you worked down the pits before
11:28you have
11:28yes
11:29you have
11:32tell him you've worked in Doncaster cotches
11:34tons of
11:35he said, a real
11:35yes
11:36I will
11:37I will da
11:38I will
11:40he goes to the pits head
11:41he said to the foreman
11:41looking for a job
11:42he said, now
11:43if you work down the pit
11:44oh, I have da
11:45I have
11:47haven't I
11:47I have
11:49I have
11:49I worked in Yorkshire
11:51the foreman said
11:52there's plenty of pits in Yorkshire
11:53what kind of lamps did he use in Yorkshire
11:55oh, he said
11:55I was never on the night shift
12:25England for the English
12:26that's it
12:27and they can have it
12:30we're going to take over
12:31you know
12:32we've got the labour exchanges already
12:36it's true
12:37have you noticed on the door
12:38it's got OHMS
12:39yes, that's only Hindus
12:41Muslims and Sikhs
12:42you know
12:44you know
12:45a long time ago
12:46a long time ago
12:47we had a
12:47a black fella
12:48in the royal family
12:49did you know that?
12:51just jog your memories
12:53back to the history books
12:54fella called a black prince
12:55do you know him?
12:57he had to go
12:58he had to go
12:59oh, he had to go
13:00just imagine keeping him
13:02put your wireless
13:03on Christmas Day
13:04three o'clock
13:04this time you're Queen speaking
13:06you couldn't have it
13:07oh, you do
13:13of course I'm Irish
13:14really, you know
13:18I'm Irish, yes
13:19my great-grandad was Irish
13:21only a little fella
13:23great-grandad
13:24he's what they call
13:24a leprecoon
13:25me grandad
13:25let him know
13:27sure
13:28sure
13:36very, very small
13:37he's so small
13:38when he got measles
13:39he got them one at a time
13:40he's big, I'm good
13:41and he's small
13:43yes, I'm Irish
13:43I went to a building site
13:44looking for a job
13:45a big Irish fella came out
13:46he said
13:47we haven't got enough work
13:47for our own fellas
13:49I said
13:49well, I won't do much
13:54he said
13:55can he carry the hard
13:56I said, aye
13:56but who's going to carry the bricks
14:00of course I was in the Black Watch
14:01during the war
14:02you know that
14:05I was a colour sergeant
14:10oh, aye
14:10I've done my bit
14:11they tried to get me
14:11to join the Navy
14:12during the war
14:13the fella said
14:13can you swim
14:14I said, why
14:14have you got no ships
14:19I said, can't you use me
14:20on the land
14:21he said, no
14:21we've got special stuff
14:22for that
14:29we had a tramp
14:29come to our house
14:30the other day
14:31a tramp
14:31they wait for me
14:32to come home
14:33you know
14:35soft touch
14:36Ken
14:36he knocked on the door
14:39I said, what do you want
14:40he said, a piece of cake
14:44just like that
14:44you know
14:51I said, you're up
14:54I said, a piece of cake
14:57I said, you're a cheeky tramp
14:59aren't you
15:04I did
15:05I just went like that
15:06I went
15:08I just did this
15:09right in his face
15:13I just went like that
15:14I went
15:16you know
15:17I just did that
15:19I thought, I bet that
15:20scared him
15:20I did
15:24and then I did this
15:25in his face
15:26and I went
15:26I went like that
15:27I went
15:28right, I said
15:34I thought, I bet he feels daft now
15:35I said, you what
15:39he said, a piece of cake
15:42I said, you're a cheeky tramp
15:44aren't you
15:46asking for a piece of cake
15:48he said, hi
15:49it's my birthday
15:53I said, wouldn't he like some cold rice pudding instead
15:56he said, I would
15:57I said, we'll come back tomorrow
15:59because it's still hot
15:59you know
16:06that'll put him in his place
16:07didn't it
16:10they don't mess about me
16:14and then the postman come to our house
16:16once upon a time
16:22and he knocked on the door
16:23I said, what's up with you
16:24he said, your dog's chewed my hat
16:27I'm getting a bit fed up
16:29you know
16:33I just looked him
16:34right in the eyes
16:35you know
16:35because
16:36he was still in the box
16:37you know
16:40I just
16:41I just did that
16:42then
16:42I just pulled me
16:44I just pulled me pants up
16:46you know
16:46because
16:46they kept coming down
16:48you know
16:51I said, I couldn't care less
16:54he said, I don't like your attitude
16:56I said, it's not my attitude
16:58it's your attitude
16:59do you get it
17:04it's not my attitude
17:09what about this long distance
17:11bloody driver
17:11he's away from home a lot
17:13you know
17:13night driver
17:14drives a concrete mixer
17:16you know
17:16and
17:20he's driving away there
17:21and he's thinking to himself
17:22my wife
17:23you know
17:24she's
17:25I bet she's
17:26I'll go home
17:27and catch her out
17:28you know
17:31so he goes home
17:32and he calls her out
17:33because she wasn't in
17:34I made that up
17:39you know
17:41I was only kidding then
17:43he goes home
17:44he goes home in the morning
17:46early hours
17:46and he saw the bedroom light on
17:48and he thought
17:49I've copped him
17:49you know
17:50and he saw this sports car
17:52outside his front door
17:53so he tipped all this concrete
17:55all over it
17:57and the noise must have disturbed him
17:59because this fella
18:00come running out
18:01and he jumped on his bike
18:02and rolled away
18:03I walked into a restaurant
18:09in Australia
18:10and there was a sign
18:11that said
18:11whatever sandwich you order
18:13we have it
18:14so I thought it'd be funny
18:15I said
18:15give me an elephant's trunk sandwich
18:17he came back a minute later
18:18he said
18:19I'm awful
18:19sorry
18:19I can't give you that one
18:20and I said
18:24he says
18:24with no bread
18:29well I met one of these
18:29aborigine fellas
18:30you see
18:31and he was carving
18:32all these bits of wood
18:33I said
18:33pardon me
18:34I said
18:34one of those statues
18:35you're carving
18:36he says
18:36one's an Englishman
18:37one's a Scotsman
18:37and one's a Welshman
18:38I says
18:39why didn't you carve
18:40an Irishman
18:40he said
18:41I couldn't get a piece of wood
18:42thick enough
18:45take his guts
18:46to tell that one
18:52I was in Australia
18:52not Australia
18:53I was back in England now
18:55that was a quick move
18:55wasn't it
18:56I got back into England
18:57I walked into a chemist's shop
18:59and I said to the chemist
19:00give me a bottle of quinine
19:01he said
19:01that'll be one of ninepence
19:02I gave him the one of ninepence
19:04and I got to the door
19:04he said
19:05I made an awful blunder
19:06I'd give him your bottle
19:06of strickenine
19:08I said
19:08what's the difference
19:09he said
19:09a strickenine's two and six
19:18well actually
19:18that's where I met
19:19the producer of this show
19:20actually here in Manchester
19:21as soon as you see me church
19:22barman
19:22two Irish whiskies
19:24and two Guinness
19:24for Frank and his wife
19:25make him feel at home
19:26as soon as the bill came up
19:27what did he do
19:27diced into the gents
19:28before he'd pay for it
19:30of course I wouldn't let him in
19:35yeah see his father
19:36came from Aberdeen
19:37he died of a heart attack
19:38throwing a penny to the children
19:41the string broke
19:44big Irishman went
19:45six foot eight
19:46muscles in his spit
19:47and my calpine
19:47stamped on his forehead
19:51went to this building site
19:52he says
19:52can you start me sir
19:53he said
19:53what can you do
19:54he says
19:54nothing
19:57but I'll stop any trouble
19:59on this housing site
20:00he says
20:01any fights
20:01or anything like that
20:02he said
20:02the size of me
20:03he said
20:03I put them right out
20:05he said
20:06well you can start right away
20:07twenty pound a week
20:07any trouble
20:08car bossing
20:09and he's walking
20:10around the site
20:11and there's two fellas
20:12there
20:12big fella
20:13little fella
20:13and a double handed
20:14saw like that
20:16he gets hold of
20:17the big fella
20:17and he goes
20:18now if he tries
20:19to take that off
20:19you again
20:20he says
20:20let me
20:29two geordies in the jungle
20:31and they heard the tom-toms
20:32and one said
20:33are they war drums
20:34geordie
20:34he said
20:35no they're theirs
20:41I like that one
20:42but I don't care
20:43I don't care
20:46I told you about the cat
20:47and the loony ticker sound
20:48didn't we
20:48hey
20:49the fella
20:50knocking a nail
20:51in the loony bin
20:52in the wall
20:54he's got the flat
20:54of the heads
20:55of the wall
20:55he's knocking the point
20:59he's made to that stupid
21:00he said
21:01why
21:01he said
21:01well that nails
21:02for that wall
21:06well I was down in London there
21:15and I had the wife along with me
21:16and I brought her into
21:17Madame Tussauds
21:18the waxworks
21:19then I brought her down
21:20into the chamber of horrors
21:21and the attendant
21:22came up to me
21:23and he says
21:23tell your wife to keep moving
21:24we're stuck taking
21:29I got on the bus
21:30to conduct the shirt
21:30at Georgia Street
21:31Thomas Street
21:32Frederick Street
21:33Patrick Street
21:33there was two Irishmen
21:35in front of me
21:35one turned to the other
21:36he said
21:36it's not near time
21:37we were getting off me
21:38the other fella said
21:39sit there
21:40till your name's called
21:45I know another fella
21:47he's got a way
21:47with animals
21:48you know
21:49tremendous
21:49well I used to know this guy
21:52he reckoned he contained
21:53the most ferocious beast
21:54with music
21:55and someone said
21:55well go and prove it
21:56so he stuck him in darkest Africa
21:58with a fiddle
22:00and he's sitting in the jungle
22:01and all the rabbits
22:06and all the tortoises
22:07and everything
22:08all come out like
22:08look at him
22:09look at him
22:09look at him
22:10and all the tigers
22:12look at him
22:12look at him
22:16and they're all loving it
22:17you know
22:17singing with him as well
22:20and this lion
22:21burst through
22:23and at him
22:30and the leopard said
22:31what did you do that for
22:34and the lion said
22:35what did you say
22:48the comedians tonight were
22:51Bernard Manning
22:52Stu Francis
22:54Mike Burton
22:55George Roper
22:56Joss White
22:58Ken the Wing
22:59and Frank Carson
23:01and I'll see you next time
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