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00:05In the reign of good Queen Vic, there stood, in Dumpling Lane in Old London Town, the moustache
00:12shop of one Ebenezer Blackadder, the kindest and loveliest man in all England.
00:19Blackadder, he's kind and generous to the sick, he'd never spread a nasty rumour, he never gets on people's wick,
00:37and doesn't love a toilet humour.
00:44Blackadder, Blackadder, he's sickeningly good, Blackadder, Blackadder, as nice as Christmas would.
01:05Humbug! Humbug!
01:10Humbug, Mr. Baldrick?
01:11Oh, thank you very much.
01:15Well, I've got all the presents.
01:16And I've nearly finished the Christmas cards.
01:18Oh, splendid. Let me see.
01:21A very messy Christmas.
01:24I'm sorry, Mr. Baldrick, shouldn't that be merry?
01:26A merry messy Christmas?
01:28All right, but the main thing is that it should be messy.
01:31Messy cake, soggy pudding, great big wet kisses under the mistletoe.
01:35Yes, I fear, Mr. Baldrick, that the only way you're likely to get a big wet kiss at Christmas,
01:41or indeed at any other time, is to make a pass at a water closet.
01:46Be that as it may, a merry messy Christmas.
01:50Christmas has an H in it, Mr. Baldrick.
01:53And an R.
01:56Also an I and an S.
01:58Also a T and M and A.
02:00And another S.
02:02Oh, and you've missed out the C at the beginning.
02:06Congratulations, Mr. Baldrick.
02:07Something of a triumph.
02:08I think you must be the first person ever to spell Christmas without getting any of the letters right at
02:12all.
02:13Well, I was a bit rushed.
02:15I've been helping out with the workhouse nativity play.
02:18Of course.
02:18How did it go?
02:19Well, not very well.
02:20At the last moment, the baby playing Jesus died.
02:24Oh, dear.
02:25This high infant mortality rate's a real devil when it comes to staging quality children's theatre.
02:32What did you do?
02:33Got another Jesus.
02:34Oh, thank goodness.
02:35And his name?
02:36Spot.
02:38There weren't any more children, so we had to settle for a dog instead.
02:42Oh, dear.
02:43I'm not convinced that Christianity would have established its firm grip over the hearts and minds of mankind if all
02:49Jesus had ever said was woof.
02:53Well, it went all right till the shepherds came on.
02:56See, we hadn't been able to get any real sheep, so we had to stick some wool.
03:00On some other dogs.
03:02Yeah.
03:03And the moment Jesus got a whiff of them, he's away.
03:08While the angels sing in peace on earth, goodwill to mankind, Jesus scampers across and tries to get one of
03:14the sheep to give him a piggyback ride.
03:18Scarcely appropriate behaviour for the son of God, Mr. Balby.
03:21Weren't the children upset?
03:23No, they loved it.
03:26Ah, the playful young scamps, eh?
03:30Still, what a lovely thought it is.
03:32At this very moment, all over the country, from the highest to the lowest, through those charming plump folks somewhere
03:38in the middle,
03:39everyone is enjoying Christmas.
03:50What are you doing, Albert?
03:52Nothing.
03:53Oh, yes you are, you naughty German sausage.
03:57Tell me what you're doing.
03:58I just said I'm not doing anything.
04:00Really, woman, when you're busy ruling India, you don't tell me what you are doing.
04:04So why should I tell you what I am doing when I am busy wrapping up this cushion for your
04:08surprise Christmas present?
04:14Oh, dear Albie, don't worry, I don't mind.
04:18I do.
04:19I love surprises.
04:21Christmas without surprises is like the nuts without a nutcracker.
04:28It is why I have bought you this surprise nutcracker for damn, damn.
04:36Oh, darling Bobo, don't worry.
04:39Besides, haven't you forgotten something?
04:42Our traditional Christmas adventure.
04:45Oh, yes, of course, the traditional Christmas adventure.
04:49Huzzah!
04:49Huzzah!
04:50What traditional Christmas adventure?
04:52You silly soldier.
04:54You know when we disguise ourselves as common folk and go out amongst the people to reward the virtuous and
05:00the good.
05:01Oh, yes, of course, dummkopf.
05:04How could I forget?
05:06That is nicked out the side neck.
05:08For it is so precisely such an outing as this that I have bought you my final surprise present.
05:13This moth which I'm going to give you tomorrow.
05:16Dance!
05:18Dance!
05:20Dance!
05:21Ah, excellent, excellent.
05:24What a splendid spread.
05:25Nuts, turkey and presents.
05:28What more could a man desire at Christmas?
05:30Well, a tree.
05:32Oh, of course, I quite forgot.
05:34I dropped in on Mr Thick Twistle's garden emporium.
05:37And I think you'll agree, got quite a bargain.
05:40On this special Christmas twig.
05:45It's a bit of a tiddler, ain't it?
05:48Yes, but size isn't important, my friend.
05:51It's not what you've got, it's where you stick it.
05:55Besides, look, we've got a whole year's profits to spend on fun and larks.
06:00How much is it?
06:01Seventeen pounds and a penny.
06:03It'd be a lot more if you didn't give away so much money to the poor.
06:07Well, yes, but in the feeling-good ledger of life, we are rich indeed.
06:11Yeah, I just wish we weren't doing so well in the bit short of prezzies and feeling a gullible Pratt
06:15ledger.
06:17Well, bless my ten toes.
06:19Who could that be on this cold night?
06:22Ah, Mrs Scratchit, greetings to you on this merry Yuletide Eve.
06:26Oh, Mr Blackadder, I cannot be merry when we are so poor we shall have nothing to eat on Christmas
06:33Day.
06:34Except what Grandfather can scrape from under his big toenails.
06:39No goose for Tiny Tom this year.
06:43Mrs Scratchit, Tiny Tom is fifteen stone and burnt like a brick privy.
06:49If he eats any more heartily, he will turn into a pie shop.
06:54But look, look, there must be something we can do.
06:57Ah, that box of matches in your basket is just the thing I need.
07:01How much did they cost?
07:03A quid a match.
07:04Mrs Scratchit, I suspect that to be a lie of sorts.
07:08No!
07:08Oh, but it's Christmas Eve, so here, take ten pounds.
07:13So you don't want all the matches then?
07:15There's seventeen of them.
07:16Mrs Scratchit, you have the body of a weak woman, but the mind of a criminal genius.
07:21Here, seventeen pounds then.
07:24Lovely!
07:25And my best wishes to your massive offspring.
07:30So, we add seventeen pounds and a penny, and we give Mrs Scratchit seventeen pounds, so that leaves...
07:38Yes, come on, Mr Baldrick.
07:40Seventeen pounds and a penny minus seventeen pounds leaves...
07:45Thirty-eight pounds ain't shooting performance.
07:49Not mad, Mr Baldrick.
07:50The answer is, in fact, a splendid, shining penny.
07:54Merry Christmas Eve, Mr Slapbladder.
07:55I mean, Blackadder.
07:57And to you, young urchin.
07:59A penny for Christmas cheer, sucker.
08:01I mean, sir.
08:03Um...
08:04Well, certainly, here.
08:06Uh, going to buy some cake and pie for yourself and your silver-haired mother?
08:10Nah, sob that.
08:11I'm off to the gym shop.
08:14Tch, they grow up so fast these days, Brisson.
08:18Oh, well, another year without profit.
08:21Still, it is Christmas.
08:23And let us remember, Mr Baldrick, that be we as stony as a biblical execution.
08:28It is still the season of good cheer, and we have all our Christmas treats.
08:32Nuts, turkey, and presents.
08:35Oh, and my goddaughter, Millicent.
08:38Um, secure the ornaments, Baldrick, and let her in.
08:42So we can put all our presents under our little tree.
08:45A scarf for me, a pair of gloves, Mr Baldrick, and a hat for me.
08:51Ah, Millicent, to what do I owe this excellent pleasure?
08:54Oh, I just thought I'd pop round, you know, just on the off chance.
08:58Well, you know, Christmas is a time traditionally connected with presents.
09:03It is indeed.
09:04And look, a lovely hat for my dear goddaughter.
09:07Oh, thanks.
09:08Oh, and look, a scarf and a pair of gloves to match.
09:13That's not bad, I suppose.
09:17Yes, jolly good.
09:19I'm sorry, I can't stop.
09:21I thought perhaps I might come back tomorrow at lunchtime.
09:24Oh, what a splendid idea.
09:26It'll just be little me and my teensy boyfriend.
09:28So cook a couple of extra turkeys.
09:31Thanks for all the prezzies.
09:33Why don't you take the flipping tree?
09:35Oh, you are sweet.
09:39Bye.
09:41Bye.
09:42My, what a jolly young girl.
09:45Yeah, pity she nicked all the presents.
09:47Yes, but I thought you and I'd be quite spoiled enough with the turkey and this mountain of nuts we
09:52have.
09:54Well, peel my tangerines.
09:57This is...
09:57Back.
09:59Ah, people.
10:00Charmed, honoured and lovelied in every possible way.
10:03Get back.
10:05Felicitous compliments of the gorging season to you, sir.
10:08Peace on earth and fat tums to all men.
10:11Well, indeed, indeed.
10:13And what of your little orphan charges?
10:15Well, I don't think God charges them enough, as a matter of fact.
10:18Luckily, you're here to cover up the shortfall, Mr Blackadder.
10:21They're looking forward to coming tomorrow, perhaps bringing a little surprise for you.
10:25Oh, surely not another totally unexpected rendition of God rest ye merry, Mr Blackadder.
10:31Not for me to say, sir.
10:32All I can say is it's Christmas as usual.
10:34Except, sadly, we've managed to polish off all our nuts before the big day.
10:39Oh, well, what luck.
10:41As fate would have it, we have some.
10:43Here, help yourselves.
10:44No, sir, no, sir.
10:45I couldn't take them from you.
10:46Absolutely not.
10:46Is this all, is it?
10:48Yes.
10:49Well, it'll have to do then.
10:50See you tomorrow.
10:53Well, what a jolly fellow.
10:55You look like a fat kid to me.
10:58Well, yes, Mr Baldrick, but you mustn't judge people from outward appearances.
11:03Strip away the outer layers of a fat git, and inside you'll probably find a thing git.
11:10Those orphans were a bit fat, too.
11:12Well, there's some truth there.
11:14Certainly when I go and visit them, I do tend to remove all sharp objects for fear of bursting one
11:19of them
11:20and getting showered in two dozen semi-digested pies.
11:25Well, what of it?
11:27As long as they're happy.
11:28Well, at least we've still got our turkey.
11:30And who knows, Christmas is a time for miracles, so maybe if we screw up our eyes really tight
11:37and pray to the big pink pixie in the sky, someone will come and reward us.
11:42Come on.
11:43Dear innocent Mr Baldrick.
11:48See?
11:49Well, baste my steaming puddings.
11:56Ah, good evening, sir and madam.
11:58Good evening.
11:59We have come here on a mission to reward the virtuous this Christmas Eve.
12:03Good heavens.
12:05And we have heard many stories of your kindness and generosity.
12:09Oh, well, what tries?
12:11So, please.
12:12Yes?
12:12Give us ten pounds for the virtuous old lady next door.
12:17Well, we'd love to oblige, but I'm afraid we haven't got anything to give.
12:21Surely you must have something.
12:22What about a goose?
12:23Oh, Albert.
12:25Well...
12:27We've only got a turkey, see?
12:30Oh, that sounds ideal.
12:32Oh.
12:32Well, there's a bit of luck.
12:34Mr Baldrick, fetch the turkey.
12:37Uh, I detect from your accent, sir, that you are not from round here.
12:42Ah, nein.
12:45I am from Glasgow.
12:49Ah, a fine city.
12:50I love the Gorbals.
12:52Ah, yes, uh, the Gorbals, I love them too.
12:55A lovely couple, lots of fun.
12:58Bye-bye, birdie.
13:00Very well done indeed.
13:02Good evening.
13:03Good evening.
13:04And if I bump into Mr and Mrs Gorbals, I give them your cards.
13:13Oh, dear, Mr Baldrick.
13:14It looks as though we're in for a bit of a thin Christmas.
13:17Don't you worry, Mr B.
13:19I'm hanging my sock up so Santa will come down the chimney.
13:22Mr Baldrick, I guarantee that if there's one thing liable to stop Santa coming down the chimney,
13:27it's your sock waiting for him at the end of it.
13:31What, if I don't hang my sock out, how will Santa fill it?
13:34Mr Baldrick, if you do hang your sock out, Santa will be dead before he gets within a hundred yards
13:39of it.
13:41Don't you have any other socks?
13:42I've got one other.
13:44Oh, don't worry about it, my dear fellow.
13:46Take one of mine from the linen cupboard.
13:48I'm off to bed.
13:50There's nothing else to stay up for.
13:52Good night, Mr Baldrick.
13:53Night, night.
13:54Oh, by the way, I forgot to mention,
13:57when you were out there, there was this enormous ghostly creature coming here saying,
14:01beware, for tonight you shall receive a strange and terrible visitation.
14:07I just thought I'd mention it.
14:11It come through the wall, it said it's peace, and then it sodded off.
14:18Oh, fine.
14:19Good night, Mr Baldrick.
14:20Night, night.
14:21Night, night.
14:56Can I help?
14:59No, thanks, no.
15:00No, no.
15:01Just popped in to say hello.
15:02Spirit of Christmas, how do you do?
15:04Just doing my usual rounds, you know, a wee bit of haunting.
15:07Getting miserous to change their evil ways.
15:09But you're obviously such a good chap that we no need for any of that norsense.
15:13So I'll just say cheery-bye.
15:15Cheery-bye.
15:17Can I get you a cup of tea or anything?
15:20You wouldn't have anything a wee bit more medicinal.
15:23Oh, I see.
15:24Oh, I've only got some of Nurse McCready's surgical bruise lotion.
15:28Nothing but the best at this house, hey.
15:35Delicious.
15:38Well, it's a nice change from all these skinflets, you know, that old fellow across the road.
15:44Bags of money.
15:45I caught him trying to cut down in his heating bills by using his John Thomas as a draft excluder.
15:52Oh, dear.
15:53Old people today.
15:55Tell me, how do you get them to change their ways?
15:59Well, it's all visions these days.
16:00We used to use black and white line drawings, but the visions are more effective.
16:05What sort of thing?
16:06Well, it depends, really.
16:08With some people, it's just a glimpse of their behavior at school behind the penny-farthing sheds.
16:13Hey, some other people, well, we just show them how rotten their ancestors were.
16:17Of course, with your ancestors, it would have to be the full one-hour-ten vision with a break and
16:22ice cream.
16:25Oh, dear.
16:25That bad, were they?
16:26Did nobody tell you?
16:28Stinkers to a man.
16:30Oh, perhaps you'd like to see.
16:43Oh, my lord, give it a little pull.
16:46You know you want to.
16:49You ever so exciting?
16:51Oh, God.
16:55Yes, terrifying.
16:57And look, there's a surprise present for you inside.
17:01It's a novelty death warrant, and you give it to a friend.
17:06Just what I've always wanted.
17:08You got anything for me?
17:10Oh, it's nothing, really.
17:11Oh, sir.
17:13No, it's really nothing.
17:14I haven't got anything.
17:16I spent all my cash on this damn thing for the Queen.
17:19She better bloody like it.
17:21She dropped enough hints.
17:22God, that woman's about as subtle as a rhinoceros horn up the backside.
17:26Oh, my God.
17:27Oh, my God.
17:30Good morning, Your Majesty.
17:32Christmas again, eh?
17:33What joy.
17:34Don't you just love it?
17:35No, I hate it.
17:37In fact, I've just abolished it.
17:39I'm sorry?
17:41I'll block up the chimneys, burn all the crackers,
17:44and kill anyone I see carrying a present.
17:50What's that, Edmund?
17:52This?
17:54It's a window.
17:57A window?
17:58Yes, but you seem to have one here, so sorry to say.
18:06Well, so much for that.
18:09Oh!
18:13Ah!
18:14Melch it.
18:16Greetings.
18:16I trust that Christmas brings you its traditional mix of good food and violent stomach crumb.
18:22And compliments of the season to you, Blackadder.
18:25May the Yuletide log slip from your fire and burn your house down.
18:30I'm glad I saw you.
18:31I feel it only fair to warn you that the Queen has banned Christmas,
18:35so I wouldn't get her a present this year.
18:37Oh, I'm indebted to you for that advice, Blackadder,
18:40and I shall, of course, follow it to the letter.
18:42The day I get my brain replaced by a cauliflower.
18:46Ha!
18:47Got him with my subtle plan.
18:49I can't see any subtle plan.
18:51Well, Rick, you wouldn't see a subtle plan
18:52if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord
18:56singing,
18:57Subtle Plans Are Here Again.
19:01It's what we call a double bluff.
19:03Melch it will undoubtedly do the opposite of what I tell him.
19:05Go get an enormous present,
19:06give it to the Queen,
19:07and then...
19:08What, it'll turn into a duck?
19:13Yes.
19:17Pity about this, Tinky Wink.
19:20You always used to love this time of year.
19:25Leaving a little mince pie
19:27and a glass of wine out for Father Christmas
19:29and then scoffing it
19:31because I was a princess
19:33who can do what I bloody well like.
19:36I'm wondering if your father's wife
19:38would last till Boxing Day
19:40without having her head cut off.
19:42We knew if he gave her a hat
19:45she'd probably be all right.
19:47Happy days.
19:49Yes.
19:50Maybe it was a little rash.
19:53Oh, boys, welcome back.
19:57But, Milch it,
19:59what have you got under your coat?
20:02It's not a present, is it?
20:04A present, Majesty?
20:06But of course.
20:07You're so painfully transparent,
20:09Bruggado.
20:10Am I?
20:11Oh, that's far by your presents.
20:16No, for a moment I took against Christmas,
20:18but I'm completely dippy about it again.
20:21In fact, I'd like to marry you.
20:24If you aren't as unattractive as a giant slug.
20:27Oh, fish, Majesty.
20:31But anyway, to reward you,
20:33I'm going to give you lots of presents.
20:36Um, fancy a castle?
20:37Well, Windsor, Majesty.
20:39Title?
20:39Duke of Kent.
20:41Anything else?
20:42Well, a devilish, saucy wife would be fun.
20:45Lady Jane Pottle!
20:47Oh, yummy.
20:48I think she's Blackadder's girl at the moment,
20:51but that doesn't matter, does it, Blackie?
20:53No, of course not, Mum.
20:55And perhaps Lord Milch it
20:56would like to whip me naked
20:58through the streets of Aberdeen.
21:00I don't think we need to go that far, Blackadder.
21:03Oh, too kind.
21:04No.
21:05Aylesbury's quite far enough.
21:07Super.
21:08Well done, Milch it.
21:09Oh, no.
21:10Oh, Blackadder, what have you got me?
21:12Um...
21:13I want a present!
21:15Give me something nice and shiny.
21:17And if you don't,
21:18I've got something nice and shiny for you,
21:19and it's called an axe.
21:21Um, well...
21:22Right!
21:23That's it.
21:24Any last requests, Blackadder,
21:26before I chop your block off
21:27and put it on top of the crumble tree?
21:29Um...
21:31Well, there is one, actually, Mum.
21:33You know how much I've always been
21:35a great admirer of you both.
21:37I was wondering if I could just have your autographs
21:39to keep me company
21:41during the final tragic, lonely hours.
21:44Oh, all right.
21:45Yeah, there.
21:46Thank you, Mum.
21:46And Lord Milch it.
21:48Just there.
21:50Oh, dear me!
21:53What is it?
21:54Why, this piece of paper
21:55that Your Majesty has just signed
21:56turns out to be
21:57some sort of death warrant.
22:00Oops!
22:02And I can't go back on it
22:04without destroying the whole basis
22:06of the British Constitution.
22:08I fear not.
22:10Is there a name on it?
22:12Well, yes, there is, actually.
22:13It says Lord...
22:14I can't read this terrible, childish writing.
22:17Er, Lord Milch it.
22:18Lord Milch it, that's it.
22:19Mam, mam, mam, it's a trick.
22:21You've been tricked.
22:22Oh, God!
22:24Christmas is a time for tricks
22:26and jakes and larks of all kinds.
22:29Tell you what, Blackover,
22:31that's so brilliant.
22:32I'll execute Milch it instead.
22:34You're very kind, Mum.
22:38And I suppose that means
22:39that everything of Lord Milch it's
22:41becomes yours.
22:42I suppose it does.
22:45Merry Christmas, Mum.
22:52Good Lord!
22:54Horrible, eh?
22:55What a peg!
22:57Yes, Lord Milch it.
22:57Clearly quite a clever, charming pig.
23:00But, but, but no, as you say,
23:01his, his behaviour disgraceful.
23:03Ah, you're a great improvement on them all.
23:06You're a good boy.
23:07Them?
23:08Are there more?
23:09Oh, yes.
23:11I'm a shifty at this.
23:18Right, Boulders.
23:20I'm sick of getting no presents
23:21and the Prince Regent getting the lot.
23:23So this is the plan.
23:24We play our traditional game of charades
23:26and when he gets bored
23:27and asks for a story,
23:29you come out here,
23:30stick the dress and the hat on
23:31and then knock on the door.
23:32I'll take it from there.
23:33Got it?
23:34Got it.
23:34Yes, well, you certainly will get it
23:36if you mess this up.
23:40Ah, hurrah!
23:41Welcome, lads.
23:42Oh, this is the stuff, eh?
23:43Christmas, sherry and charades
23:45with honest, manly fellows.
23:47I mean, for heaven's sake,
23:48what can I do with a girl
23:49that I can't do with you, eh?
23:50I cannot conceive, sir.
23:53Yes, there was that, though.
23:54Now, who's first up for the game?
23:56I'd ask old Horatio here,
23:57but he's out of it, I'm afraid.
23:58So it's, er,
23:58well, it's the little monkey fellow first, is it?
24:00It is indeed.
24:01Oh, excellent.
24:02Oh, I'd love charades.
24:04Okay, off you go, Balric.
24:08It's a book.
24:09Well done, Mr. B.
24:10I didn't think you'd get it that quickly.
24:11Yes, I must say,
24:12that was damn clever.
24:14Yes, another great Christmas tradition,
24:16explaining the rules
24:17eight times to the Thickey twins.
24:20The round hasn't, in fact, started yet.
24:22It's got to be a specific book.
24:23For instance, if it was the Bible,
24:25then I'd go like that
24:26to indicate that there are two syllables in it.
24:28And two what?
24:30Two syllables.
24:32Two silly bulls?
24:34You say that, I don't know,
24:35not in the Bible.
24:36I can remember a fatted calf,
24:38but as I recall,
24:39that was quite a sensible animal.
24:40Oh, hi, yeah.
24:41Is it, um, Noah's Ark
24:43with the, er, two pigs,
24:45two ants,
24:46and two silly bulls?
24:48Two syllables.
24:50What?
24:50Look, we're getting confused.
24:52Let's start again, shall we?
24:53No, let's not.
24:54Like, I don't think the whole game's
24:55getting a bit sila, to be honest.
24:56Come on, it's a Christmas story instead.
24:58Oh, what a good idea, sir.
25:00I'll just get rid of the servant, shall I?
25:02There's a limit to how long
25:03the smell of roasting chestnuts
25:04can blot out the aroma
25:06of Baldrick's trousers.
25:08Don't forget the dress
25:09and the hat, Horrick.
25:11So, shall I begin
25:13the Christmas story?
25:14Absolutely.
25:15As long as it's not
25:16that terribly depressing one
25:17about the chap
25:18who gets born on Christmas Day,
25:20shoots his mouth off
25:21about everything under the sun,
25:22and then comes a cropper
25:23with a couple of rum coves
25:24on top of a hill
25:25in Johnny Arabland.
25:27You mean, Jesus?
25:29Yes, that's right.
25:30Keep him out of it.
25:31He always spoils
25:32the X-mas atmos.
25:34Certainly, sir.
25:35Instead, I shall tell you
25:36a story about...
25:38Oh, my God!
25:38I've gone blind!
25:39Blind!
25:45As I was saying,
25:46this is a story
25:47about a handsome young prince.
25:49Ah, now, this is more like it.
25:51What, good-looking,
25:52lovely hair
25:53perched on top of his head
25:54like an exceptionally
25:55attractive loaf of bread?
25:56Exactly.
25:57Yeah, I can imagine him.
25:58Excellent fellow.
25:59Well, it's a tale about him
26:01and a sad, lonely old granny
26:03who's dying of cold
26:05on a cruel Christmas night.
26:07Not a comedy, then?
26:09Yes.
26:10And when she thought
26:11that all was lost
26:12and that she would die
26:14on Christmas night
26:14and be swept up
26:16on the Boxing Day morning
26:17mistaken for a huge
26:19dirty handkerchief.
26:22Then she knocked on the door
26:23of a handsome young prince
26:25named George
26:26who gave her
26:27all his massive collection
26:29of Christmas presents
26:30and she lived happily
26:32ever after.
26:37Oh, my Satan sausage, brother!
26:40What a fine tale!
26:42I'm quite moved to tears,
26:44don't you know?
26:45Oh, good.
26:48I wonder who that could be.
26:51Yeah, so a cold, dark,
26:52cruel Christmas night
26:53is a tricky one.
26:54Could be a robin.
26:56Why, sir,
26:56rather coincidentally,
26:57it is a sad, lonely old granny
26:59who's dying of cold.
27:01Shall I fling her
27:02from your door, sir,
27:03saying that there is no room
27:04in our Christmas
27:04for a sad, virtuous,
27:06silver-haired,
27:07old elderly angel like her?
27:09No, Blackadder,
27:10you swine!
27:11Bring her in!
27:12Here we are.
27:15Nice touch, Baldrick.
27:17Take all you want, granny.
27:18You have found
27:19Georgie Porgie,
27:19your handsome prince.
27:21Thank you, sir.
27:24Shall I show her
27:25to the door, sir?
27:26Make sure she doesn't
27:26steal the silver
27:27on the way out.
27:27No, no, tell her
27:29to take it.
27:29You're very generous, sir.
27:33Excellent, excellent,
27:34Baldrick, a triumph.
27:36Baldrick?
27:37Baldrick!
27:39Sorry, Mr. B.
27:41I was just showing
27:42a sweet old granny
27:43to the door.
27:45Are we ready yet, sir?
27:46What?
27:48Well, I answered the door
27:49and it was this sweet
27:50old granny collecting
27:51for charity,
27:52so I let her in.
27:54Ah!
27:55Nothing wrong, Mr. B.
27:57No, don't worry.
27:58I should have known
27:59not to trust a man
27:59with the mental agility
28:01of a rabbit dropping.
28:03Sorry, Mr. B.
28:04No, it's perfectly all right.
28:05It's not your fault.
28:06Ooh!
28:08Still,
28:10I fear
28:11for a frail
28:12elderly woman
28:13laden with
28:14valley balls
28:14travelling through
28:15the inadequately lit
28:16streets of London.
28:17Yeah, she's not safe, sir.
28:19Well, not from me, certainly.
28:20Ooh!
28:25Very amusing!
28:26In what way?
28:28Um,
28:28the wigs.
28:29Very amusing wigs.
28:30But his behaviour,
28:31as you say,
28:32disgraceful.
28:33But,
28:33but he actually
28:35got the presents.
28:37Y-y-yes.
28:38So,
28:39so there is actually
28:40something to be made
28:41out of being banned.
28:42Uh,
28:43technically,
28:44technically, yeah.
28:45Yes, yes,
28:45but that's not the point,
28:46is it?
28:47It's the soul,
28:48the soul.
28:49As a matter of interest,
28:51what would happen
28:52in the future
28:52if I was banned?
28:54Um,
28:55Evans,
28:55is that the time
28:56I really must be off?
28:57I'd love to see
28:58Christmas future.
28:59No, no, no, no, no, no,
29:00it's terribly melodramatic.
29:01Look,
29:02just show it,
29:03please.
29:04All right.
29:09Hail Queen Aspyxia,
29:12supreme misfits of the universe.
29:15And hail to you,
29:17my triple husbandoid.
29:19I summon you here
29:21to group greet
29:22our swift Imperial Navy's home.
29:25Approach,
29:26Grand Admiral
29:27of the Dark Segment
29:29and Lord
29:30of the High-Slanged Bottoms
29:31of Zob.
29:33Morning.
29:35To you,
29:36Blackadder,
29:37thrice-endowed
29:38supreme donkey
29:39of the Trouser Pod,
29:41this much greeting.
29:43I, too,
29:44bold navigator,
29:45cringe my dribblers
29:46at your resplendent
29:47Pothelsmoo.
29:48Yes,
29:49well,
29:49that won't be necessary,
29:49thank you.
29:50Approach
29:51your slave,
29:53Baldrick.
30:01For God's sake,
30:02Baldrick,
30:02if you're going to wear
30:03that ridiculous jockstrap,
30:05at least keep your legs together.
30:07Who goes,
30:08skipper?
30:10Majesty's,
30:11I give you this much greeting.
30:13What use of the foul mammy dons?
30:15Scattered to the Nine Vectors,
30:17my lord.
30:17And the sheep squeezes
30:18of Splatic and Fine?
30:20Have they been suck-creamed
30:22as a Kwanbeast nubble?
30:24Well,
30:25they're dead,
30:25if that's what you mean.
30:26Blast Commander,
30:27did you vanquish
30:28the nibble pibblies?
30:29No,
30:29my lord Pigmot,
30:30I did not vanquish
30:31the nibble pibblies
30:33because you just
30:33made them up.
30:37Excellent,
30:38Commander.
30:39You have most pleasantly
30:40wibbled my
30:41frosted pouch.
30:43Bring forth
30:44the gift
30:45with which you honour me.
30:47Majesties,
30:48from a place
30:48where the stars
30:49begin and end,
30:51I bring you
30:52this.
30:54Oh,
30:54lovely.
30:55An ashtray.
30:57Come,
30:58Majesty,
30:58he wastes our time.
30:59I yearn to attend
31:0020,000 years
31:01of the two runoids
31:03on the box party.
31:04Send him
31:05to the sprouting chamber.
31:06No,
31:07wait.
31:08What is it,
31:09Commander?
31:10Well,
31:10I'll show you,
31:11shall I?
31:17Now,
31:17your majesty,
31:18I must respectfully
31:20insist that you
31:20hand over to me
31:21the supreme
31:22command of the universe,
31:24sew a button
31:25on my spare
31:26uniform,
31:26and marry me
31:27this afternoon.
31:28I thought you'd
31:29never ask.
31:34So let's get this
31:36straight.
31:36If I was bad,
31:38my descendants
31:38would rule
31:39the entire universe.
31:41Maybe,
31:41maybe,
31:42but would you
31:43be happy?
31:44Being ruler
31:45of the universe
31:45isn't all
31:46it's cracked up to be.
31:47There's the long hours
31:48having to wave at people
31:49the whole time.
31:49You're no longer
31:50your own boss.
31:51But,
31:52so what if I stayed good?
31:54What then
31:55does the future hold?
31:56Ah,
31:56well,
31:56I really must
31:57put my foot down here.
31:58I've got four hauntings
31:59and I scare the bugger
32:00to death
32:00to do before morning.
32:07Hail,
32:07Queen of Stixia,
32:09supreme mistress
32:10of the universe.
32:12And hail to you,
32:14my triple husbandoid.
32:16I summon you here
32:17to group greet
32:19our swift
32:19imperial navy's home.
32:22Approach,
32:23grand admiral
32:24of the dark segment
32:26and lord
32:27of the high-slung
32:28bottoms of Zob.
32:30Hail.
32:32And your slave.
32:39What's his name?
32:41I can't remember,
32:42your majesty.
32:43No matter,
32:44supreme marshal
32:45of the smells.
32:46What news
32:47of the foul mammy dons?
32:49Good news.
32:50Excellent.
32:51For the marmy dons.
32:54We wiped out
32:55our entire army.
32:57Sorry,
32:57I got a bit confused
32:59and dropped a bomb
33:00on our own lot.
33:01Silence,
33:02squiddling.
33:03Bring forth the gift
33:05with which you honour me.
33:07Oh, damn,
33:08I forgot the bloody present.
33:11So one way,
33:12it's glory everlasting.
33:14The other,
33:15it's wearing
33:15Baldrick's posing pouch.
33:18A little simplistic,
33:19but it does at least
33:20point a very clear lesson.
33:21Namely?
33:23Namely,
33:24that the rewards
33:25of virtue
33:26are largely spiritual,
33:27but all the better
33:28for it.
33:29You don't think
33:29it points
33:30the very clear lesson
33:31that bad guys
33:32have all the fun?
33:34No,
33:34no,
33:35absolutely not.
33:35The rewards of virtue
33:36are infinitely more attractive.
33:39Picture it.
33:40Quiet evenings
33:41in your hovel alone.
33:42A Bible.
33:44Your own turnip.
33:47Oh,
33:47well,
33:48that makes
33:48all the difference.
33:49So you're going
33:50to be a good boy,
33:52Oh,
33:52absolutely.
33:54Would I lie
33:55to you?
34:09Mr Blackadder?
34:14Looks like
34:15Father Christmas
34:16just forgot about me
34:17this year.
34:18Oh,
34:18dear me,
34:19but don't be too unhappy.
34:20Because if you look
34:21very carefully,
34:22there's something
34:22in this stocking
34:23from me.
34:24In fact,
34:25it's something
34:25I made for you.
34:27Well,
34:27that's the kind
34:27of prezzy
34:28that shows
34:28the most love.
34:29What did you make
34:30for me,
34:31Mr B?
34:31I've made you
34:33a fist.
34:35A fist?
34:36Yes,
34:36it's for hitting.
34:38And what's wonderful
34:39about it
34:39is that you can
34:40use it again
34:41and again
34:43and again.
34:45Well,
34:46what do you say?
34:48Thank you,
34:48Mr B.
34:50Think nothing
34:51of it,
34:52Balric.
34:52I,
34:53after all,
34:53think nothing
34:54of you.
34:56Oi,
34:56give face.
34:57How about a penny
34:57for the season?
34:59Hark!
34:59Do I hear the voice
35:00of a darling little
35:01cherub at the window?
35:10No,
35:11I must have
35:12imagined it.
35:14Shall I get out,
35:15sir?
35:15No,
35:16Balric,
35:16leave them out
35:17in the snow
35:17until I get dressed.
35:18I'll only be
35:19about 40 minutes.
35:25Door.
35:29Compliments of the season,
35:30sir,
35:31we have come
35:31to sing,
35:31Melanie,
35:32and to make you
35:33a gift
35:33of a small pudding.
35:35Three,
35:35four,
35:36God bless Mr B.
35:37at Christmas time
35:37and baby Jesus too.
35:39If we were little pigs,
35:41we'd sing
35:41Piggy,
35:41Wiggy,
35:42Wiggy,
35:42Wiggy,
35:42Wiggy,
35:43Wiggy,
35:44Wiggy,
35:44Wiggy,
35:44Wiggy,
35:45Wiggy,
35:45Wiggy,
35:45Wiggy,
35:45Wiggy,
35:46Wiggy,
35:47Wiggy,
35:47Wiggy,
35:48Wiggy,
35:48Wiggy,
35:55Wiggy,
35:56Crap.
35:57Thank you very much,
35:58sir.
35:58Do we get a Christmas
35:59treat now?
36:00Yes,
36:00indeed you do.
36:01What is it?
36:02It's a door in the face.
36:03Here you are.
36:06Mr B,
36:07you can't send them
36:08out into the world
36:09with nothing but
36:09a small pudding.
36:11All right you are,
36:12Baldrick,
36:12door.
36:20You know what
36:21I'm hoping?
36:22What are you hoping,
36:23Baldrick?
36:23I'm hoping that
36:24this is all
36:25a Merry Christmas
36:26chape
36:26and in a moment
36:27you're going to go
36:28yo-ho-ho
36:28and give me
36:29a mince pie.
36:30Close your eyes,
36:31Baldrick.
36:32Open your mouth.
36:34Yo-ho-ho.
36:39Ah,
36:41my dear Millicent's
36:43come for her dinner
36:43and she seems
36:45to have brought
36:45the fish course
36:46with her.
36:49Who,
36:49my dear,
36:50is the huge
36:51halibut in the trousers?
36:52I think
36:53it's me.
36:55This is Ralph.
36:56he's my fiancée.
36:57We're in love?
37:01Oh dear.
37:03Your conceived love,
37:04I should warn you,
37:05is like a Christmas cracker.
37:07One massively
37:07disappointing bang
37:09and the novelty
37:09soon wears off.
37:14Shut up!
37:15up!
37:16Oh,
37:16Mr. Blackadder,
37:17what's happened?
37:19You've changed
37:19from the nicest man
37:20in England
37:21into the
37:22horridest man
37:22in the world.
37:23I was thinking
37:24the same thing myself.
37:26When spoken to.
37:28I would explain,
37:29my dear,
37:29but I fear
37:30that you wouldn't understand.
37:31Blessed as you are
37:32with a head
37:32that is emptier
37:33than a hermit's
37:34address book.
37:37As for you,
37:38are you sure
37:39you can keep
37:40my goddaughter
37:40in the manner
37:41to which she is
37:42accustomed?
37:42Yes,
37:43absolutely.
37:45Oh,
37:45splendid.
37:48Congratulations.
37:49Good day.
37:52Out!
38:00Baldrick,
38:00I want you
38:01to take this
38:01and go out
38:02and buy a turkey
38:03so large
38:04you'd think
38:04its mother
38:04had been
38:05rogered
38:05by an omnibus.
38:08I'm going to
38:09have a party
38:10and no one's
38:10invited but me.
38:13No peace
38:14for the wicked.
38:15Ah,
38:15Mr. Ebenezer.
38:17I was wondering
38:18if you had perhaps
38:18a little present
38:19for me
38:20or had found
38:21me a little fowl
38:22for Tiny Tom's Christmas.
38:23I've always found
38:24you foul,
38:25Mrs. Scratchit,
38:26and more than a little.
38:28As for Tiny Tom's Christmas,
38:30he can stuff it up
38:31his enormous
38:32muscular backside.
38:34But he's a cripple!
38:35He's not a cripple,
38:36Mrs. Scratchit.
38:37Occasionally saying
38:38few my leg hurts
38:39when he remembers to
38:40wouldn't fool
38:41Baldrick.
38:42He did,
38:43actually.
38:45However,
38:46if you want
38:46something for lunch,
38:47take this.
38:48It's a pound a lump
38:50and as luck would have it,
38:51there are 17 lumps left.
38:53But what about
38:53my Tiny Tom?
38:55If I was you,
38:55I'd scoop him out
38:56and use him
38:57as a houseboat.
38:58Good day.
39:03Mr. B,
39:04where's the milk
39:05of human kindness?
39:07It's gone off,
39:08Baldrick.
39:08It stinks.
39:11Get that?
39:12And whoever it is,
39:14slum the door
39:14in their faces.
39:15Otherwise,
39:15I'll slum your face
39:16on the door.
39:19Hello,
39:20small dwarf fellow.
39:21Is this the house
39:22of the great philanthropist
39:23and all-round softy
39:24Ebenezer Blackadder?
39:26Well,
39:26Mr. Blackadder lives here.
39:28Ah,
39:28that is good
39:29because we have
39:29a wunderbar secret.
39:31What secret?
39:32Ah,
39:32if I were to tell you
39:33that we're going to give him
39:34enormous fortune
39:35for being so generous,
39:37then it would no longer
39:37be a secret.
39:39Damn,
39:39I'm so stupid.
39:40Damn.
39:41What would no longer
39:42be a secret?
39:43We are Queen Victoria.
39:46Well,
39:46all three of you.
39:48My dear little
39:49hobgoblin,
39:51here is our royal seal.
39:53We have come
39:54to present your master
39:56with 50,000 pounds
39:58and the title
39:59of Baron Blackadder
40:00for being the kindest
40:02man in England.
40:03Blimey,
40:04your majesty.
40:05Baldrick,
40:05what did I tell you
40:06I'd do if you didn't
40:07slam the door
40:07on the faces
40:08of these scrounging
40:09loafers?
40:09But,
40:10but,
40:11Mr Blackadder,
40:11I'm not at home
40:14to guests.
40:23I flatter myself
40:24we are rather
40:25special guests,
40:26sir.
40:27Oh,
40:27of course.
40:28I must apologize.
40:31It is not
40:32that one receives
40:32a Christmas visit
40:33from two such
40:34distinguished guests.
40:35Ah,
40:36so you recognize
40:37us at last.
40:38Yes,
40:38unless I'm very
40:39much mistaken,
40:40you're the winner
40:40of the Round Britain
40:41Shortest,
40:42Fattest,
40:43Dumpiest Woman
40:44Competition.
40:46And for her
40:47to be accompanied
40:47by the winner
40:48of this year's
40:49Stupidest Accent Award
40:50is really quite
40:51overwhelming.
40:52big orchid,
40:53big orchid fatso.
40:55Don't you realize
40:56that this is the
40:57Victorian age
40:57where apart from
40:58Queen Piglet
40:59features herself,
41:00women and children
41:01are to be seen
41:02and not heard.
41:03Queen Piglet features?
41:04Yes,
41:05Empress Oink,
41:06us lads call her.
41:08The only person
41:09in the kingdom
41:09who looks dafter
41:10than her
41:10is that stupid
41:11Frankfurter of a
41:12husband.
41:13The pig and the
41:14frig,
41:15we call them.
41:16How they ever
41:16managed to produce
41:17their 112 children
41:19is quite
41:20beyond me.
41:21The bedchambers
41:22of Buckingham Palace
41:23must be copiously
41:23supplied with
41:24blindfolds.
41:25Certainly for
41:26living to it's
41:26something in our
41:27entire lives.
41:28Well,
41:28all I can say is
41:29you've been
41:30damned lucky.
41:34Ah,
41:35Bordrick,
41:35this is excellent,
41:36excellent.
41:37All the riffraff
41:38and the sponges
41:39dealt with
41:39and gargantuan
41:40quantities of
41:41tuck to be gobbled.
41:42Here,
41:43have a wishbone.
41:46What do you
41:47wish?
41:48I wish there
41:48was some meat
41:49on this.
41:51Those last two
41:52were particularly
41:52satisfying at fault,
41:53just like having a
41:54go at the real
41:55Queen and Prince
41:55Albert.
41:56It was the real
41:57Queen and Prince
41:57Albert.
41:58Don't be ludicrous,
41:59Baldrick,
42:00what would the
42:00Queen be doing
42:01here?
42:01Well,
42:02she'd come to
42:02visit you to
42:03reward you for
42:04being the nicest
42:05man in England
42:06by giving you
42:06£50,000 and
42:08the title of
42:08Baron Blackadder.
42:09Baldrick,
42:10it couldn't
42:11have been the
42:11Queen because
42:12when she visits
42:13people she leaves
42:14them her
42:14royal seal.
42:15What,
42:16like this one?
42:16Yes,
42:17just like that.
42:18LAUGHTER
42:22MUSIC PLAYS
43:01MUSIC CONTINUES
43:04La la la, la la la...
43:11Well I I C band