- hace 19 horas
Blackadder and Melchett are kidnapped by a neurotic German spy just after the Queen announces she is sick of paying ransom to kidnappers.
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00:28The End
00:36get out get out lipidness swine and take that horse slut painted strumpet with you
00:42may you both rot in the filth of your own fornication and what did you say to him
00:49say madam i said nothing i simply pulled up my tights and jumped out of the privy window
00:55you're so naughty well i try madam and then ten minutes later when i've got my breast back i try
01:02again perhaps there we can turn to more important matters of state must be i fear so ma'am it's
01:09a
01:10tragic case my old tutor lord forrest his son has been kidnapped and he begs you to help him pay
01:15the
01:15ransom edmund what would you say well as you know madam i have had experience of this dreadful
01:22situation only last year my aunt came to me to beg for help in the ransom of my uncle osric
01:27well then you know something of the dreadful pain involved indeed i do and can suggest no better
01:33answer than the one i gave to her which was get stuffed look at he would jest over a young
01:40man's
01:41life a young man read young idiot look anyone stupid enough to let some mustachioed dago come
01:47up to them in a corridor say excuse me meester and hit them over the head with a big stick
01:51it deserves everything they get oh my lord you're in good fooling this morning
02:00ah thank you boric i heard quite an amusing story myself the other day oh good
02:10excuse me maester yes what is it i said what is it not hit me hard on the head
02:22i've completely changed my mind about that forest broke i mean he's obviously very stupid but we
02:27can't go around punishing people for that can we well certainly not man if we went around punishing
02:32people for being stupid nurse it would have been in prison all her life a very piquant observation
02:39majesty so i will find this ransom but it must be the last absolutely the last final full stop never
02:48ever again cross my heart and hope to die surely not hope to die majesty
02:55uh all right i'll cross that out um um here you are sorry about the smudge thank you ma'am
03:07excuse me maester yes
03:12god god god god what on earth was i drinking last night
03:19my head feels like there's a frenchman living in it
03:27oh where am i oh who's there it's i melchis melchis you really ought to get this house of
03:35yours clean up you know it's a real mess there's no time for jokes blackadder we've been kidnapped
03:41oh god how incredibly embarrassing
03:47as private parts to the gods are we they play with us for their sport
03:55oh god who's that
03:59now just wait a minute if anyone's going to be spoken to around here it's going to be me all
04:03right
04:03tell them milty certainly um parlo con lui no me gaffo parlo con lui
04:08ah well el jefe
04:14ah that's better
04:17now what's he saying
04:20he says he would like a word with you
04:22uh-huh anything else yes he says he would like to torture you as well
04:28right now am i by any chance addressing a senior dignitary of the spanish inquisition
04:36good because if i am i wish to make it quite clear that i am prepared to tell you absolutely
04:43anything
04:49no speak-o-de-go
04:53i demand to see the british ambassador understand
04:57necesito silencio para comenzar
05:00for god's sake look how can you question me if you don't speak english
05:05no yo pregunto las questiones
05:09all right let's start with the basics
05:12english is a non-inflected indo-european language derived from dialects
05:27whoops butterfingers
05:30ah so i win again
05:32yes well done your majesty
05:33and there's definitely been no sign of edmund
05:36i fear not mum
05:38why then he's vanished
05:41simply vanished
05:43like an old oak table
05:50vanished lord percy not varnished
05:53forgive me my lady
05:55but my uncle bertram's old oak table completely vanished
05:58it was on the night of the great stepney fire
06:01and on that same terrible night
06:03his house and all his other things completely vanished too
06:08so did he in fact
06:10it was a most perplexing mystery
06:14look percy
06:14yes
06:16it's up to you
06:18either you can shut up
06:20or you can have your head cut off
06:34i'll shut up
06:35that's
06:41barrister
06:44embarrassing
06:46you're embarrassing
06:47i'm embarrassed
06:48uh uh uh rogering
06:50uh pregnant
06:52baby
06:54Ah, baby, bathwater, sounds like b-
07:00Bastard, sweet bastard.
07:04Lo exterminado.
07:05Huh?
07:06Hijo.
07:08Hijo.
07:09It's a donkey.
07:14Padre.
07:14Big bastard, little bastard.
07:17Big bastard.
07:18Padre.
07:19Boy, mama, father, son.
07:21I'm a bastard son.
07:24Th-thirsty, thirsty bastard.
07:28Thirsty barking bastard.
07:32Dog, dog.
07:34Dog.
07:35Woman.
07:36Dog.
07:37Woman, dog.
07:38Bitch, I'm a bastard son of a bitch.
07:46In that case, you are a fornicating baboon.
07:52What?
07:55Oh, dear.
07:57You.
07:58You.
07:58You.
07:59You.
07:59You.
07:59You.
07:59You're fornicating.
08:03Yes, I can't really do it in this box.
08:08Tus testiculos.
08:10My, um...
08:11Ah, yes.
08:11Those.
08:12Yes.
08:14Sobre un fuego grande.
08:16Over a large...
08:17Fuego.
08:18Fuego.
08:19Oh, fire.
08:20Fire.
08:21Ah, good.
08:21Right.
08:21So, let's recap.
08:23Um...
08:24If I admit that I'm in love...
08:26No!
08:26No!
08:28Sorry, head over heels in love with Satan and all his little wizards, then you will remove
08:36my testicles with a blunt instrument.
08:39Una guadagna!
08:40Una guadagna!
08:41Resembling some kind of gardening tool, but we can't quite do that.
08:46Roast them over a large fire.
08:48Si, si.
08:49Whereas if I don't admit that I'm in love with Satan and all his little wizards, you
08:56will hold me upside down in a vat of warm marmalade.
09:05And remove my testicles with a blunt instrument.
09:09Oh, I see.
09:11Oh, well, in that case, I love Satan.
09:14Ah-ha!
09:17Oh, it's a sigh.
09:23Well, I don't know.
09:25I've looked everywhere.
09:29Perhaps...
09:31they're not...
09:33hiding...
09:34at all.
09:36Perhaps they've been...
09:39kidnapped!
09:40Nonsense!
09:41As Edmund said, only real idiots get kidnapped.
09:45Do they?
09:48Stop!
09:54Forgive me, hair black arrow.
09:56I have been neglecting my duties as a host.
10:01Please accept my epilogies.
10:07I accept nothing from a man who imprisons his guests in a commode.
10:14I hope this skunk...
10:17has not...
10:18inconvenienced you.
10:20It's more than a maniac trying to cut off my ghoulies to inconvenience me.
10:25Good.
10:25If he had inconvenienced you, I was going to offer you his tongue.
10:31Believe me, sir, if he had inconvenienced me,
10:35you would not have a tongue with which to make such an offer.
10:38Let me assure you, hair black arrow,
10:41if I no longer had a tongue with which to make such an offer,
10:43you would no longer have a tongue with which to tell me that if I had inconvenienced you,
10:48I would no longer have a tongue with which to offer you his tongue.
10:53Yes, well, enough of this banter.
10:56Who the hell are you, sausage breath?
11:01You do not remember me, then, hair black arrow?
11:03I don't believe I've had the pleasure.
11:05Oh, on the contrary.
11:06We have met many times.
11:08Although you knew me by another name.
11:10Do you recall a mysterious black marketeer and smuggler called Otto
11:16with whom you used to dine and plot and plays a biscuit game?
11:20That's an old pizzle in Dover.
11:22My God.
11:23Yes.
11:24I was the waitress.
11:29I don't believe it, you big sally.
11:33Will you have another piece of pie, my lord?
11:37But I went to bed with you tonight.
11:42For my country, I am willing to make any sacrifice.
11:46Yes, but I'm not. I must have been paralytic.
11:50Indeed you were, Mr. Floppy.
11:53Yes, all right.
11:56Now, would you mind...
11:58Such a disappointment for a girl.
12:00Yes, all right, you might do that.
12:01It really doesn't matter. We'll try again in a few minutes.
12:05Have a look through these naughty parchments.
12:07Oh, yes.
12:09We are proud of our comic-serving wench voice, aren't we?
12:12Just because we can say zur instead of sir.
12:15As some sort of all social gatherings, the tedious little turd
12:18who keeps putting on amusing voices.
12:19Be quiet!
12:20What else have you got in your astoundingly inventive repertoire, I wonder?
12:23Ah, a brilliant drunk Glaswegian, no doubt.
12:26An hilarious black man.
12:28See you, Jimmy.
12:29Where am dat warty melon?
12:32Oh, fuckiness.
12:33I can't...
12:34I can't wait for your side-splitting poof
12:36and that funny little croaky one
12:37who isn't anyone in particular
12:38but it's such a scream.
12:40And most of all, I like the one you do all the time.
12:43The fatted German chamber pot standing in front of me.
12:48You know, you talk too much, Black Adam.
12:51I think it's a case of wearable diarrhea in it that you're having.
12:54Hmm?
12:55I should perhaps tell you
12:57that I have given the Queen only a week
12:59to reply to my ransom demand.
13:01Unless she pays up, you die.
13:04Horribly.
13:05She will pay up
13:06and then within a week, you die.
13:08Horribly, horribly.
13:11You find yourself amusing, Black Adam.
13:13I try not to fly in the face of public opinion.
13:15You know, I think...
13:16I think that in a week from now
13:18you'll be less in the mood for being amusing.
13:20At least when I am in the mood, I can be amusing.
13:22Then choose your next criticism carefully here, Black Adam.
13:25It may be your last.
13:27Guards!
13:28Fetch his friend.
13:29Friends fight!
13:29Friends fight!
13:30Friends fight!
13:31Friends fight!
13:32Friends fight!
13:33Friends fight!
13:38Don't match it.
13:39We meet again.
13:40No, I don't think we've had the pleasure.
13:42You do not recognize me then.
13:46Let me refresh your memory.
13:48You remember when you were in Cornwall at the monastery,
13:51there was an old shepherd with whom you used to talk.
13:53Good Lord!
13:54Timkins?
13:55Yes!
13:56I was one of his sheep!
13:59The sheep?
14:01Not...
14:02Yes!
14:02Fluffy?
14:03Yes!
14:04But didn't we?
14:04Yes, Lord Mayor!
14:07Oh, my God!
14:10What?
14:13But enough of such pleasant reminiscences, eh?
14:17The guard has found an interesting document in your clothing.
14:20Oh, I shouldn't pay much attention to that if I were you.
14:24The Queen says that she will pay only one ransom,
14:26but it must be the last, absolutely the last,
14:29final, full stop, never again,
14:32cost my heart and hope to be spanked until my bottom goes purple.
14:37She has a difficult choice in front of her, has she not?
14:40Not really.
14:41Bad luck melts her still.
14:43Life overrated, I reckon.
14:45Yes, gentlemen.
14:46Well, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do.
14:49Evil plots don't just make themselves, you know.
14:57Dear Queen, I, Evil Prince Ludwig the Indestructible,
15:04have your two friends.
15:06And you must choose between them.
15:10The ransom is one million krona.
15:13Many, many...
15:16Apologis for the inconvenience.
15:19Oh, my goodness, what a difficult choice.
15:22But isn't the first difficult choice you've ever had to make my little tadpole?
15:25No, that's true.
15:26Now, in the old days, it was all difficult choices.
15:29Should you have nursery milk or more cow milk?
15:32Because it's always nursery milk.
15:34But then left-breasty dumpling or right-breasty dumpling?
15:38Because it was always both-breasty dumplings.
15:40Ah, but then which one first?
15:42Well, certainly one's the right one.
15:45Goodness.
15:47This is very confusing.
15:50Lord Percy.
15:52Play a while to calm my spirits.
15:55Certainly, Mum.
15:59Pat a cake, pat a cake, makers, Mum.
16:02Ah, you're it.
16:03Ring-a-ring-a-rosy.
16:05Oh, fall down.
16:08What say you, Blackadder?
16:10I sing a song to keep our spirits up.
16:13That all depends whether you want the slop bucket over your head or not.
16:17Well, perhaps some pleasant word game.
16:20Yes, all right.
16:22Make a sentence out of the following words.
16:24Face sodding.
16:27You're shut.
16:31For God's sake, man.
16:33We must do something to relieve our minds of the terrible fate that awaits us.
16:38Awakes you, Melty, not me.
16:40How's my beard looking?
16:42Lance, shall I never see England more?
16:46Her rolling fields, her swooping swallows, and her playful sheep.
16:59Well, thank God I'm sick of this place.
17:02The conditions are just disgraceful.
17:04It's like a prison in here.
17:06I shall read it to you.
17:08Oh, typical master criminal.
17:10Loves the sound of his own voice.
17:12After long and very careful deliberation, the Queen has decided to expense around some money on...
17:18A big party.
17:22Just impossible to decide between my two faves.
17:26So, I've decided to keep the cash, have a withy jolly time, and try to forget both of you.
17:38Hope you're not too miffed.
17:41Bye!
17:43What?
17:46Hope you're not too miffed.
17:48Bye!
17:50As you can imagine, my friends, this makes me very unhappy.
17:54Oh, I am sorry.
17:56But if you gentlemen were to tell me a way to, let us say, gain access to your Queen,
18:02I might just be able to commute your deaths to a life sentence.
18:05Are you suggesting we betray her?
18:10Oh, yes.
18:12All right.
18:15Letta, what are you saying?
18:16What of loyalty, honour, self-respect?
18:19What of them?
18:21Nothing.
18:23So you will both play ball?
18:26Yep.
18:28Oh, what joy.
18:30See how you collapse before me, you great and incorruptible English nobs.
18:35So proud of your great big stiff upper lips.
18:39Gloating is a sign of insecurity, Ludwig.
18:41Stop it.
18:42Now, do you want to know how to get to the Queen or not?
18:44Yes.
18:45I saw some kind of disguise.
18:47You know, I do a very good Mary, Queen of Scots.
18:51Oh, just one wears my heed.
18:57What sort of party should it be?
19:00Oh, fancy dress.
19:02I love fancy dress.
19:05Nothing?
19:06I think it should be one of those ones where everybody comes with nothing on at all.
19:13Shut up, then.
19:15I agree with you, Acting Lord Chamberlain.
19:18If we're really going to forget our woes, then we should have as much fun as possible.
19:23And what could be more fun than a party where people come dressed as frogs and rabbits and nuns?
19:29And bits of wood.
19:32You're not going to come as a bit of wood.
19:34Aren't I?
19:35No.
19:36Oh.
19:37Well, how about a pencil, then?
19:39Should I come as a pencil?
19:40Tell me, silly, Nursie.
19:42You always talk like this and you always end up coming as the same thing.
19:46Don't I?
19:47Yes, you know.
19:48You do.
19:48Everybody.
19:50Lassie.
19:53What does Nursie always come to fancy dress parties dressed as?
19:57I thought everybody knew.
19:58Yes, everybody, apparently.
20:00Except Nursie.
20:01Tell her.
20:02She always comes as a cow.
20:05Yes, that's right.
20:06A lovely, lovely cow with great big lovely udders.
20:10Swing around going,
20:11Moo!
20:13Come to Nursie, cow, you lovely little heifers.
20:16Oh, yes, what fun.
20:18I want to be a cow again, please.
20:20Shut up.
20:22Isn't Nursie stupid?
20:23She certainly is, Mum.
20:25Ha, ha, ha, ha.
20:27You see, we're having a good time already.
20:32We've completely forgotten about those chaps in prison, haven't we?
20:42What chaps?
20:47That's fine.
20:48That's fine.
20:52My friends, I come to bid you farewell.
20:56These guards will eventually die of old age, but their sons will, I'm sure, go on attending to your needs.
21:02Thank you for your concern, but in fact, we intend to escape.
21:04With your information, gentlemen, I intend to bring down your queen and country.
21:09The master of disguise will become the master of the world.
21:13Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
21:14Yes, sir, one thing, Ludwig, just before you go.
21:17What?
21:17Were you ever bullied at school?
21:21What do you mean?
21:22Well, all this ranting and raving about power, there must be some reason for it.
21:27Nonsense.
21:28No, at my school, having dirty hair on spots was a sign of maturity.
21:33I thought so, and I bet your mother made you wear shorts right up to your final year.
21:38Shut up! Shut up!
21:41Well, I am King of England.
21:43No one will ever dare call me shorty, greasy, spot spot again.
21:49That's the nerve there, I think.
21:51And what good is it going to do us if we're doomed to rot here until we die?
21:56No, don't worry. I've got a plan.
21:57Really?
21:58Yes. Now that Ludwig's gone, we should have no trouble overcoming the guards.
22:02Germans are sticklers for efficiency, and I've been watching their routine.
22:05I've selected the moment when they are at their most vulnerable.
22:09That is when we will attack.
22:10Brilliant! How?
22:12That is the most cunning bit.
22:16I'm Spite! I'm Spite! I'm Spite! I'm Spite! I'm Spite!
22:20Right, now this is it. Don't forget, when they are at their most vulnerable...
22:25I'm Spite! I'm Spite! I'm Spite! Halt!
22:27Jingles the keys!
22:29Open the door!
22:33Greetings to the prisoners!
22:37Guten Abend, Englanders dame!
22:41March to the table!
22:43Eins, zwei! Eins, zwei! Eins, zwei! Eins, zwei! Eins, zwei! Eins, zwei! Eins, zwei!
22:49Eins, zwei! Halt!
22:50Food on the table! Eins, zwei!
22:54Stips on the food! Eins, zwei!
22:58Insulting farewell gesture to the prisoners! Eins, zwei! Eins, zwei!
23:03Try! Now!
23:05Ooooooooh!
23:06Trust me to get the hard one!
23:08What?
23:17Yoo-hoo-hoo! Off with our heads!
23:21Mum, it is brilliant!
23:25Your father is born again!
23:27Well, it's bloody well, hope not, or else I won't be queen any more!
23:32Yes! Yours is pretty good, too!
23:34What is it?
23:36Oh, it's nothing, Mum!
23:38It's just a mere trifle I threw together!
23:41Doesn't look much like a trifle!
23:43It's more like a fruit salad to me!
23:47I see, Nurse has really excelled herself!
23:50Moo!
23:53Yes!
23:54She has!
23:56I'm not sure about this!
23:59What are you meant to be?
24:01A pencil case!
24:07Yes!
24:08Oh!
24:10It's just like parties I had when I was tiny!
24:13We had tea and cakes and venison,
24:16and then a trip with a couple of little friends to the executions!
24:20How sweet!
24:21If I wanted any of my little friends executed, that is!
24:25Oh, how I do wish Edmund could be here!
24:29He always loved parties,
24:31and always, always wore very, very tight tights!
24:37Oh!
24:38Edmund who?
24:39Edmund Blackadder!
24:40Oh!
24:41Majesty!
24:42Oh, Edmund, but...
24:43Did you ever know me to miss a party?
24:45Oh!
24:47And what about Lord Melchard?
24:49Yes, unfortunately, Mum, he made it, too.
24:52Rapture!
24:53Joy beyond measure!
24:55Bliss which cannot be counted on one's fingers!
24:59Bad!
25:06Sorry, Edmund!
25:07Nothing?
25:10Yes, um...
25:12Unfortunately, apart from my nose getting a little prettier,
25:15nothing much has changed around here.
25:17Your animal still isn't house-trained,
25:20Percy's still unemployed,
25:22and Nurse is one stick short of a bundle.
25:26Bias!
25:26Thank you for reminding me.
25:30Nurse!
25:31You're killed! Nurse!
25:32That's horrid!
25:35Scots! Scots!
25:36Take him away and execute him!
25:37He's killed nothing!
25:39Can anyone help me with my others?
25:43Yes!
25:43Yes!
25:45And may I introduce our erstwhile captor,
25:49Prince Ludwig the Indestructible!
25:52Ah!
25:54Queen Elizabeth, we meet again!
25:56Oh, no, I don't think so, actually.
26:00Yes, you remember when you were young and...
26:02Your father used to take you riding on a magnificent grey pony
26:07that he used to kiss and fondle in the stable yard.
26:12I...
26:13I was a tall and attractive German stable lad who held him.
26:18Yes!
26:18Yes!
26:19You?
26:19Uh-huh!
26:20Shall I think we've seen Spotspot?
26:22No!
26:23No, no, no!
26:25You will, all of you, regret the day that you've mocked my complexion!
26:30I shall return and wreak my re-wingy!
26:34Well, you will die and be buried!
26:38Ah!
26:39Hooray!
26:41Strange man.
26:44But how did you know it was him?
26:46This was the information with which we bought our lives.
26:49We told him that if the Queen was having a party,
26:52that Nursey always goes as a cow.
26:55From that moment, he was doomed.
26:57All we had to do was escape, return, and kill the cow.
27:01But how could you be sure it was not Nursey?
27:04Because, Lady, Ludwig was a master of disguise,
27:08whereas Nursey is a sad, insane old woman with another fixation.
27:13All we had to do was kill the one that looked like the cow.
27:19That was the mistake I knew that Ludwig would make.
27:21His disguise was too good.
27:24Gosh, Edmund, how brilliant!
27:26Welcome home.
27:27Well, I must say, Mum, it's good to be back.
27:29Welcome, Edmund!
27:31Did you... miss me?
27:33I certainly did.
27:35Many was the time, Percy, I said to myself,
27:37I wish Percy was here.
27:40Being tortured instead of me.
27:43Girl, we have missed your wit.
27:46Do you miss me, my lord?
27:49Erm...
27:50Bored, Rick, is it?
27:51That's right.
27:51No, not really.
27:55And me.
27:57Did you miss me, Edmund?
27:59Madam,
28:01life without you was like...
28:03a broken pencil.
28:05Explain.
28:08Pointless.
28:11Beware all ye who lust for fame.
28:15The path of life is most uncertain.
28:17Prince Ludwig thought he'd won the game.
28:22But now the crown's run for a burden.
28:26Blackadder!
28:28Blackadder!
28:29He beats the Hun by luck!
28:33Blackadder!
28:35Blackadder!
28:36He's smarter than a duck!
28:39Lord Melchit!
28:41Lord Melchit!
28:43Intelligent and deep!
28:46Lord Melchit!
28:48Lord Melchit!
28:50My shame about the sheep!
28:53Lord Melchit!
28:53Lord Melchit!
29:07Lord Melchit!
29:08Lord Melchit!
29:09Lord Melchit!
29:09Lord Melchit!
29:10Now this is a disguise I'm really going to enjoy.
29:13If I can just get the voice right.
29:16Lord Melchit!
29:16Lord Melchit!
29:17Lord Melchit!
29:18Nano M 것!
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