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00:00I love you
00:37Well, Mrs. Miggins, at last we can return to sanity.
00:41The hustings are over, the bunting is down, the mad hysteria is at an end.
00:46After the chaos of a general election, we can return to normal.
00:49Has there been a general election, then, Mr. Blackadder?
00:52Indeed there has, Mr. Miggins.
00:54Oh, well, I never heard about it.
00:56Well, of course you didn't. You're not eligible to vote.
00:58Why not?
00:58Because virtually no-one is.
01:00Women, peasants, chimpanzees, lunatics, lords...
01:07That's not true. Lord Nelson's got a vote.
01:09He's got a boat, boring.
01:13Marvellous thing, democracy. Look at Manchester.
01:15Population 60,000, electoral roll 3.
01:19I may have a brain the size of a sultana...
01:22Correct.
01:23...but it hardly seems fair to me.
01:25Well, of course it's not fair. And a damn good thing, too.
01:27Give the like of Baldrick the vote, and we'll be back to cavorting druids, death by stoning, and dung for
01:33dinner.
01:34Oh, I'm having dung for dinner tonight.
01:37So, who are they electing when they have these elections?
01:40Oh, the same old shower.
01:42Fat Tory landowners who get made MPs when they reach a certain weight.
01:47Raving revolutionaries who think that just because they do a day's work, that somehow gives them the right to get
01:52paid.
01:52Basically, it's a right old mess.
01:54Toffs at the top, plebs at the bottom, and me in the middle making a fat pile of cash out
01:58of business.
01:59Well, you've got to watch out, Mr Blackadder.
02:01Things are bound to change.
02:03Not while pit the elders, Prime Minister, they aren't.
02:06He's about as effective as a cat flap in an elephant house.
02:11As long as his feet are warm and he gets a nice cup of milky tea in the sun before
02:15his morning nap,
02:16he doesn't bother anyone until his potty needs emptying.
02:20Dear members of the House of Commons,
02:21I call upon the new Prime Minister of Great Britain and her empires, Mr William Pitt, the younger.
02:28Mr Speaker, members of the House,
02:31I shall be brief as I have, rather unfortunately, become Prime Minister right in the middle of my exams.
02:39I look forward to fulfilling my duty in a manner of which Nanny would be proud.
02:44I shall introduce legislation to utterly destroy three enemies of the state.
02:49The first is that evil dictator, Napoleon Bonaparte.
02:56The second is my old geography master, Banana Breath's quickshanks.
03:02But most of all, sirs, I intend to pursue that utter slob, the Prince of Wales.
03:09Why?
03:10This year alone, he has spent £15,000 on banqueting.
03:16£20,000 on perfume.
03:20And most astonishingly of all, an astonishing £59,000 on socks.
03:29Therefore, my three main policy priorities are,
03:34one, war with France.
03:37Two, tougher sentences for geography teachers.
03:41And three, a right-world kick of the Prince's backside.
03:47I now call upon the leader of the opposition to test me on my Latin vocab.
03:54Sir, if I may make so bold, a major crisis has arisen in your affairs.
03:59Yes, I know, Blackadder. I've been pondering it all morning.
04:02You have, sir?
04:03Yes. Socks.
04:05Run out again.
04:06Why is it that no matter how many millions of pairs of socks I buy,
04:10I never seem to have any?
04:11Sir, with your forgiveness, there is another, even weightier problem.
04:14They just disappear.
04:17Honestly, you'd think someone was coming in here,
04:19stealing the damn things, and then selling them off.
04:26Impossible, sir.
04:27Only you and I have access to your socks.
04:30Yes, yes, you're right.
04:31Still, for me, socks are like sex.
04:34Tongues of it about, and I never seem to get any.
04:37Sir, if I may return to this very urgent matter.
04:40I read fearful news in this morning's paper.
04:42Oh, no.
04:43Not another little cat caught up in a tree.
04:47No, sir.
04:47There is a vote afoot in the new Parliament
04:49to strike you from the civil list.
04:51Well, yes, yes, yes.
04:52But what are they going to do about my socks?
04:54Sir, if this bill goes through, you won't have any socks.
04:56Well, I haven't got any socks at the moment.
04:58Or trousers, shirts, waistcoats, or pantaloons.
05:01They're going to bankrupt you.
05:04They can't do that.
05:06Why, the public love me?
05:08Only the other day, I was out in the street,
05:10and they sang,
05:11We hail Prince George! We hail Prince George!
05:13We hate Prince George.
05:15We hate Prince George.
05:18I fear so, sir.
05:20However, all is not lost.
05:21Fortunately, the numbers in the Commons are exactly equal.
05:24If we can get one more MP to support us, then you're safe.
05:28Hurrah!
05:29Any ideas?
05:30Well, yes, sir.
05:31There is one man who might just be the ace of our sleeve.
05:34A rather crusty, loud-mouthed ace named Sir Talbot Buxomly.
05:39Never heard of him.
05:40That's hardly surprising, sir.
05:42Sir Talbot has the worst attendance record of any Member of Parliament.
05:45On the one occasion he did enter the House of Commons,
05:47he passed water in the Great Hall,
05:49and then passed out in the Speaker's chair.
05:52But if we can get him to support us, then we are safe.
05:55Well, what's he like?
05:57Well, according to Who's Who,
05:58his interests include flogging servants,
06:01shooting poor people,
06:02and the extension of slavery to anyone who hasn't got a knighthood.
06:07Excellent!
06:08Sensible policies for a happier Briton.
06:10However, if we're going to get him to support us,
06:13he will need some sort of incentive.
06:16Hmm. Anything in mind?
06:16Well, you could appoint him a High Court judge.
06:19Is he qualified?
06:20He's a violent, bigoted, mindless old fool.
06:24Sounds a bit overqualified.
06:26Well, get him here at once.
06:28Certainly, sir.
06:29I will return before you can say
06:30anti-disestablishmentarianism.
06:33Well, I wouldn't be too sure about that.
06:35Anti-distib-litz-min...
06:37Anti-mistil-instit...
06:41Anti-stit...
06:42Anti-distinctly minty monetarism.
06:45Sir Talbot Buxomly.
06:49Buxomly! Roaringly splendid to have you here. How are you, sir?
06:52Partially well, your highness.
06:54I dined hugely off as servants before I come into town.
06:57Um, you eat your servants?
06:59Yes, sir.
07:00I eat off them.
07:01Why should I spend good money on tables when I have men standing idle?
07:05Why, indeed.
07:06Now, I dare say you've heard of Mr. Pitt's intentions.
07:09Young scallywag!
07:10Ah, so you don't approve of his plans to abolish me, then?
07:13I do not, sir.
07:14Damn his eyes.
07:15Damn his britches.
07:17Damn his duck pond.
07:18Oh, hurrah for that.
07:19I cannot adjot that you are the son of a certified sauerkraut-sucking loon.
07:24Oh, thank you, sir.
07:24It reminds not me that you dress like a mad parrot and talk like a plate of beans negotiating their
07:30way out of a cow's digestive system.
07:33It is no skin off my rosy nose that there are bits of lemon peel floating down the Thames that
07:39would make better regents than you.
07:41Well, bravo.
07:42The fact is, you are regent.
07:44Yes, I am.
07:44Appointed by God, and I shall stick by you forever, though infirmity lay me waste, and ill-health curse my
07:51every waking moment.
07:53Well, good on you, sir.
07:55And don't talk to me about infirmity.
07:57Why, sir, you are the hardy stock that is the core of Britain's greatness.
08:02You have the physique of a demigod, purple of cheek and plump of fetlock, the shapely ankle and the well
08:09-filled trouser that tells of a human body in perfect working order.
08:13Oh, he's dead, sir.
08:16Dead?
08:18Yes, Your Highness.
08:19Oh, what bad luck.
08:21We were rather getting on.
08:22We must move at once.
08:24In which direction?
08:25Sir Talbot represented the constituency of Dunning-on-the-World, and by an extraordinary stroke of luck, it is a
08:31rotten borough.
08:32Really?
08:33Is it?
08:34Well, lucky, lucky us.
08:38Lucky, lucky, luck.
08:40Luck, luck, luck, luck.
08:43Luck, luck, luck, luck, luck, luck.
08:45Luck, luck, luck, luck, luck.
08:54You don't know what a rotten borough is, do you, sir?
08:58No.
08:59So what was the chicken impression in Adolf?
09:01Well, I just didn't want to hurt your feelings.
09:05So, what is a rubber button?
09:06A rotten borough.
09:08A rotten borough, sir, is a constituency where the owner of the land corruptly controls both the voters and the
09:14MP.
09:15Good.
09:16Yes.
09:17And a rubber button is?
09:18Could we leave that for a minute?
09:20Down here on the world is a tuffly-haveny place.
09:23Half an acre of sodden marshland in the Suffolk Fens with an empty town hall on it.
09:27Population?
09:28Three rather mangy cows.
09:30A dachshund named Colin.
09:33And a small hen in its late 40s.
09:39So, no people at all, then?
09:41Apart from Colin.
09:43Colin is a dog.
09:46Only one actual person lives there, and he is the voter.
09:49Well, right.
09:50So, what's the plan?
09:51We must buy dunny on the world at once, and thus control the voter.
09:55I shall need a thousand pounds.
09:57Thousand pounds?
09:59I thought you said it was a tuffly-haveny place.
10:02Well, yes, sir.
10:02The land will cost tuffly-haveny, but there are many other factors to be considered.
10:06Stamp duty, window tax,
10:09swamp insurance,
10:12hen food, dog biscuits, cow argument.
10:14The expenses are endless.
10:15Fine.
10:16Well, the money's in my desk.
10:17No, sir.
10:18It's in my wallet.
10:20Oh, splendid.
10:21No time to lose, eh?
10:22My thoughts precisely.
10:23The only question is who to choose as MP.
10:26Ah, tricky.
10:27What we need is an utter unknown,
10:29yet someone over whom we have complete power.
10:31A man with no mind,
10:33with no ideas of his own.
10:35One might almost say,
10:37a man with no brain.
10:40Any thoughts?
10:42Yes, Your Highness.
10:47Rang, my Lord.
10:48Meet the new Member of Parliament for dunny on the world.
10:52But he's an absolute arsehead.
10:55Precisely so.
10:56Our slogan shall be,
10:58a rotten candidate for a rotten borough.
11:01Warwick,
11:02I want you to go back to your kitchen sink,
11:04you see?
11:04And prepare for government.
11:09Right, now all we have to do
11:10let's fill in this MP application form.
11:14Name?
11:15Baldrick.
11:16Baldrick.
11:16First name?
11:18Ah, I'm not sure.
11:19You must have some idea.
11:22Well, it might be Sod Off.
11:26What?
11:27Well, when I used to play in the gutter,
11:30I used to say to the other snipes,
11:31hello, my name's Baldrick,
11:33and they'd say,
11:34yes, we know Sod Off, Baldrick.
11:37All right, right, right, right, right.
11:39Mr. S. Baldrick.
11:57Baldrick.
11:57Insanity in the pan.
12:00None whatsoever.
12:02Now, then, criminal record.
12:04Absolutely not.
12:05Oh, come on, Baldrick,
12:06you're going to be an MP, for God's sake.
12:08I'll just put fraud and sexual deviance.
12:15Now, minimum bribe level.
12:17One turnip.
12:19Oh, hang on,
12:20I don't want to price myself out of the market.
12:23Baldrick, I've always been meaning to ask,
12:25do you have any ambitions in life
12:26apart from the acquisition of turnips?
12:29No.
12:30So what would you do
12:31if I gave you £1,000?
12:33I'd get a little turnip of my own.
12:36So what would you do
12:37if I gave you a million pounds?
12:39Oh, that's different.
12:40I'd get a great big turnip in the country.
12:44Oh, God, I'll get that.
12:45Here, sign here.
12:55Look behind us,
12:56pitch the younger.
12:58Why, hello there,
12:59young shaver, me lad.
13:01I say, here's fun.
13:02I've a shiny sixpence here
13:04for the clever fellow
13:05who can tell me
13:05which hand it's in.
13:09Oh, school, school.
13:11On half-hulls, is it?
13:12Yeah, I bet you can't wait
13:13to get back
13:13and get that bat in your hand
13:14and give those balls
13:15a good walloping, eh?
13:18Mr Pitt is the Prime Minister, sir.
13:21Oh, go on.
13:22Eh?
13:23What, young snotty here?
13:26I'd rather have a runny nose
13:27than a runny brain.
13:29Eh?
13:30Um, excuse me, Prime Minister,
13:32but we do have some lovely jelly
13:34in the pantry.
13:34I don't know if you'd be interested at all.
13:36Don't patronise me,
13:37you lower-middle-class jobbo.
13:40What flavour is it?
13:43Blackcurrant.
13:44I say, blackcurrant,
13:45are you sure this is the PM?
13:46Seems like a bit of an oily tick to me.
13:49When I was at school,
13:49we used to line up
13:50four or five of his sort,
13:51make them bend over
13:52and use them as a toast rack.
13:54Don't surprise me, sir.
13:55I know your sort.
13:58Once, it was I
13:59who stood in a big, cold schoolroom,
14:01a hot crumpet
14:02burning my cheeks with shame.
14:05Since that day,
14:06I've been busy every hour God sends
14:09working to become Prime Minister
14:10and fight sloth and privilege
14:12wherever I've found it.
14:13I trust you weren't too busy
14:15to remove the crumpet.
14:17You will regret this, gentlemen.
14:19You think you can fort my plans
14:21to bankrupt the Prince
14:22by fixing the dummy-on-the-world
14:23by-election.
14:24But you will be thrashed.
14:26I intend to put up my own brother
14:28as a candidate against you.
14:30Oh, and which pit would this be?
14:32Pit the toddler?
14:36Pit the embryo?
14:39Pit the glint
14:40in the milkman's eye?
14:44Sirs,
14:45as I say to Chancellor Metternich
14:46at the Congress of Strasbourg,
14:48poo to you with knobs on.
14:50We shall meet sirs
14:51on the hustings.
14:54I say, Blackhead,
14:55what a ghastly squirt.
14:56He's not going to win, is he?
14:58No, sir,
14:58because firstly,
14:59we shall fight this campaign
15:00on issues and not personalities.
15:02Secondly,
15:03which will be the only fresh thing
15:05on the menu.
15:06And certainly, of course,
15:08we'll cheat.
15:10Good evening,
15:11and welcome to the Dunning
15:12on the World by-election.
15:15The first thing I must tell you
15:16is that the turnout
15:17has been very good.
15:18As a matter of fact,
15:19the voter turned out
15:20before breakfast.
15:21and I can bring you
15:22the result of our
15:23exclusive exit poll
15:25which produced
15:26a 100% result for
15:29Mind Your Own Business,
15:30You Nosy Bastard.
15:33Mr. Hanner,
15:34are you going to talk
15:35to any of the candidates?
15:36I certainly am,
15:37and I can see
15:38Prince George
15:39who is a leader
15:40of what has become
15:41known as the Adder Party.
15:42Prince George,
15:43who is described
15:44in his party news sheet
15:46as a great moral
15:47and spiritual leader
15:48of the nation,
15:49but is described
15:50by almost everyone else
15:51as a fat, flatulent git.
15:54Prince George,
15:56hello.
15:57Good evening.
15:57And good evening, Colin.
16:00How do you see
16:00your prospects
16:01in this campaign?
16:02Well, first,
16:03I'd like a word
16:04about the disgraceful
16:05circumstances
16:06in which this election arose.
16:07We paid for this seat,
16:08and I think it's
16:09a damn liberty
16:10we should have to
16:10stand for it as well.
16:11And another thing,
16:12why is it that no matter
16:13how many pairs of socks
16:14a man buys,
16:15he never seems to have enough?
16:16Writing words
16:17from the Prince Regent,
16:18and now let's have a word
16:19from the Adder Party
16:21candidate,
16:21Mr. S. Baldrick,
16:23who so far has not...
16:26So far has not commented
16:27upon his policies
16:28in this campaign,
16:30but with him
16:30is his election agent,
16:31Mr. E. Blackadder.
16:34Well, we in the Adder Party
16:35are going to fight
16:36this campaign
16:36on issues,
16:37not personalities.
16:38Why is that?
16:39Because our candidate
16:40doesn't have a personality.
16:43He hasn't said much
16:44about the issues either.
16:45No, he's got something
16:46wrong with his throat.
16:48Well, Princey could answer
16:49one question.
16:49What does the S
16:50in his name stand for?
16:51Sod off.
16:53Okay, no, for none
16:54of my business, really.
16:56Now it's time,
16:57I think, for a result,
16:58and tension is running
17:00very high here.
17:02Mr. Blackadder assures me
17:03that this will be
17:03the first honest vote
17:04ever in a rotten borough,
17:06and I think we all hope
17:07for a result which reflects
17:08the real needs
17:09of the constituency.
17:10And behind me,
17:11yes, I can just see
17:12the returning officer
17:13moving to the front
17:14of the platform.
17:15As the acting
17:16returning officer
17:17for the young world.
17:20The acting returning officer,
17:21Mr. E. Blackadder,
17:22of course,
17:23and we're all very grateful
17:24indeed that he stepped
17:25in at the last minute
17:26when the previous
17:26returning officer
17:27accidentally,
17:29brutally stabbed himself
17:29in the stomach
17:30while shaving.
17:32I now announce
17:33the number of votes
17:34cast as follows.
17:36Brigadier General
17:37Horace Boltson.
17:38Keep royalty white rat
17:39catching and safe sewage
17:40residence party.
17:42No votes.
17:48either jesty
17:49not Madam Biggan.
17:50Standing at the back
17:51dressed stupidly
17:52and looking stupid
17:53party.
17:55No votes.
17:56Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
17:58Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
18:04Pit the even younger.
18:06Whig.
18:06No votes.
18:07Oh, there's a shock.
18:11Mr. S. Baldrick.
18:13Adder party.
18:1716,472.
18:22And there you have it.
18:23Victory for the Adder party.
18:25A sensational swing
18:26against the Whigs.
18:27I'll just try
18:28and get a final word
18:28with some of the candidates
18:29as they come up
18:30from the stage.
18:32Master William Pitt
18:33the even younger.
18:33Are you disappointed?
18:35Yes, I'm horrified.
18:37Smeared my opponent,
18:38bribed the press
18:39to be on my side
18:40and threatened
18:40to talk to the electorate
18:41if we lost.
18:43Failed to see
18:43what more decent
18:44politician could have done.
18:45Quite.
18:46Now, I will pin
18:47no votes at all
18:48for the standing
18:49at the back
18:50dressed stupidly
18:50and looking stupid party.
18:52Are you disappointed?
18:52No, not really.
18:54No, I always say
18:55if you can't laugh
18:56what can you do?
18:59Take up politics, perhaps.
19:01Has your party
19:02got any policies?
19:03Oh, yeah, certainly.
19:04We're for the compulsory
19:06serving of asparagus
19:07at breakfast,
19:08free corsets
19:09for the under fives
19:10and the abolition
19:11of slavery.
19:12You see,
19:12many moderate people
19:13would respect
19:14your stand on asparagus
19:15but what about
19:16this extremist nonsense
19:17about abolishing slavery?
19:18Oh, we just put that
19:19in for a joke.
19:20See you next year.
19:23And now, finally,
19:25a word with the man
19:26who is at the centre
19:27of this by-election mystery,
19:28the voter himself.
19:30And his name is
19:32Mr E. Black...
19:36Mr Blackadder,
19:37you are the only voter
19:38in this rotten borough.
19:39Yes, that's right.
19:41How long have you lived
19:43in this constituency?
19:44Since Wednesday morning.
19:46I took over
19:47from the previous electorate
19:48when he very sadly
19:49accidentally,
19:50brutally cut his head off
19:51while combing his hair.
19:54One voter,
19:5716,472 votes.
19:59A slight anomaly?
20:00Not really, Mr Hanna.
20:02You see,
20:02Mr Baldrick may look
20:03like a monkey
20:04who's been put in a suit
20:06and then strategically shaved,
20:07but he is a brilliant politician.
20:09The number of votes
20:10I cast
20:11is simply a reflection
20:12of how firmly
20:13I believe in his policies.
20:14Well, that's excellent.
20:15Well, that's all for me.
20:17Another great day
20:18for democracy
20:18in our country.
20:20Vincent Hanna,
20:21Country Gentleman's
20:21Pig Fertiliser Gazette,
20:23Dunny on the World.
20:25We are reprieved.
20:27It is a triumph
20:28for stupidity
20:29over common sense.
20:30Thank you very much.
20:31As a reward,
20:31Baldrick,
20:32take a short holiday.
20:34Did you enjoy it?
20:35Right.
20:38Will the honourable members
20:39please cast their votes,
20:41aye or nay,
20:42for the striking
20:43of the Prince Regent
20:44off the civil list?
20:46Excuse me.
20:47Excuse me.
20:50Excuse me!
20:51Hey there, little chubby.
20:52You're a new bug.
20:53Yeah,
20:54I don't know anyone here
20:55and I support the Prince
20:56and I don't know how to vote.
20:57Well,
20:58you can soon change
20:59all of that, can't you?
21:00Come along with me.
21:02Oh, thanks.
21:07Well, well, well,
21:09if it isn't the
21:09Lord Privy Toast Rack.
21:12Now, pull up a muffin.
21:13Sit yourself down.
21:15You don't like me,
21:16do you, Mr Blackadder?
21:17Well,
21:18nobody likes a loser.
21:20Oh,
21:21then that must be why
21:22nobody likes you.
21:23What?
21:24You lost the vote.
21:26Your monkey
21:26obligingly voted for us.
21:28Oh, God.
21:30If you want something
21:31done properly,
21:33kill Baldrick
21:34before you start.
21:35You're beaten,
21:36Ike,
21:37and you and your
21:38disgusting master
21:38have 24 hours
21:40to get out.
21:4024 hours
21:41is a long time
21:42in politics.
21:43Good night.
21:44There is just
21:45one thing
21:46before I go.
21:49I've got this
21:50sort of downy hair
21:51developing on my chest.
21:52Is that normal?
21:54Also,
21:54I get so lonely
21:55and confused.
21:57I've written a poem
21:58about it.
21:58Maybe you'll understand.
22:00Why do nice girls
22:01hate me?
22:02Why do...
22:03Oh, get out,
22:03you nauseating adolescent.
22:05Piss!
22:14How could I have been
22:15so stupid?
22:17Goodbye,
22:18millionaires row.
22:19Hello,
22:20room 12
22:20of the Budley-Salterton
22:22twilight rest home
22:23for the terminally
22:24short of Kath.
22:26There's a thing
22:27you once dreamed
22:28you'd end up
22:29in the House of Lords.
22:30What?
22:31The House of Lords.
22:32Of course,
22:33I forgot about
22:34the House of Lords.
22:35The Lords will never
22:36let the bill through.
22:37Every man-jack of them
22:38will be behind the prince.
22:39Oh, hurrah!
22:40Ah, right.
22:41Take Baldrick
22:42off the spit.
22:42Hurrah!
22:44I've got a plan
22:45so cunning
22:46you could put a tail
22:47on it
22:48and call it a weasel.
22:52Ta-da!
22:56Oi!
22:56Tally-ho,
22:57Blackadder!
22:58You look as happy
22:59as a man
23:00who thought a cat
23:00had done its business
23:01on his pie,
23:02but it turned out
23:03to be an extra big
23:03blackberry.
23:07Did our plan go well?
23:09Excellently, sir.
23:10Order a thousand pairs
23:11of finest cotton socks.
23:13Take out the drawings
23:14for that beach hut
23:15at Brighton.
23:16Hurrah!
23:17There was, however,
23:18one slight
23:21hiccup.
23:22No, cough,
23:23I think you mean.
23:26Yes, sir.
23:28Hiccup.
23:29The motion about
23:30your impoverishment
23:31has now moved on
23:32to the House of Lords.
23:34Oh, bravo!
23:35Well, no worry there
23:35that every man-jack of them
23:37will be behind me.
23:38Ah, would that were so,
23:40your highness.
23:40These are treacherous times.
23:42Are they?
23:43Yes.
23:44It might be wise
23:45to appoint a new lord
23:46to make sure
23:46the old lords
23:47vote the right way.
23:48Good thought.
23:50New lord.
23:52Any idea who?
23:53Well, sir,
23:54one name does
23:55leap to mine.
23:58Does it?
23:59Yes, sir?
24:00Couldn't make it leap
24:01any higher, could you?
24:03A young man in your service, sir,
24:05who has done sterling work
24:06matching the political machinations
24:08of the evil pit.
24:12Oh, of course!
24:14Blackadder!
24:15Oh, how can I ever
24:16thank you enough?
24:17And it might also
24:18be worth bribing
24:19a few lords
24:20just to make sure
24:21that they vote
24:21the way their consciences
24:22tell them.
24:23Well, how many
24:24should we bribe,
24:24do you think?
24:25Oh, I think 300,
24:26to be sure.
24:27At 1,000 pounds each.
24:31300,000 pounds?
24:33400,000.
24:34I think you'll find some.
24:37Yes, yes,
24:38you're right.
24:40thank God I've got you
24:41to advise me, Blackadder.
24:41Just remind me,
24:43what do I have to do
24:43to appoint this
24:44Lord Chappie?
24:45Oh, it's very simple, sir.
24:46You put on your robes of state,
24:49he puts on his,
24:51then you sign the document
24:52of ennobleman
24:53and dispatch him at once
24:54to the House of Lords.
24:56Excellent.
24:56I shall change immediately.
24:58And so, sir,
24:59shall I.
25:03Voila, Mrs. McGins,
25:05my robes of state.
25:071,000 pounds well spent,
25:09I think.
25:09Oh!
25:10Ooh, very nice.
25:13Oh, it's real cat,
25:15isn't it?
25:16This is not cat,
25:18Mrs. McGins,
25:18this is finest
25:19leather-trimmed ermine
25:20with gold medallion accessories.
25:23Oh, go on,
25:24Mr. Blackadder,
25:24it's cat.
25:26Oh, look,
25:27they've left
25:27the little collars on.
25:31Mr. Frisky,
25:33if found,
25:35please return
25:35to Emma Hamilton
25:36Marine Parade,
25:38Portsmouth.
25:39Oh, well,
25:40who cares about
25:41a dead cat
25:41now that I'm a fat cat?
25:43Oh, you're full of yourself
25:44today, Mr. B.
25:45Which is more than
25:46can be said
25:46from Mr. Frisky.
25:49My lord.
25:51My lord.
25:54I'm sorry, sir?
25:55My lord.
25:56There is more than one lord
25:58in the vicinity.
25:59Oh, well,
25:59yes, obviously.
26:01Will you please welcome
26:01his grace
26:02the Lord Baldrick?
26:13You made
26:16Baldrick a lord?
26:18Oh, yes.
26:19One who has recently
26:20done sterling work
26:21matching the political
26:22machinations
26:23of the evil pit.
26:24Good old Lord Baldrick.
26:25It's all right,
26:26Blackadder,
26:26you don't have to
26:27curtsy or anything.
26:29Sir,
26:30might I let loose
26:31a short,
26:32violent exclamation?
26:33Oh, why, certainly.
26:34Damn!
26:35Thanks, sir.
26:36You say,
26:38that's a bit of a strange
26:38get-up you've got there,
26:39isn't it, Blackadder?
26:40Yes, I'm just off
26:41to a fancy dress party.
26:43I'm going as
26:45Lady Hamilton's pussy.
26:51There's just one question, sir.
26:53About the 400,000
26:55to influence the lords.
26:57Oh, yes.
26:57I gave that
26:58to Lord Baldrick.
26:59Oh, no.
27:01Sir,
27:02might I be permitted
27:03to take Lord Baldrick
27:04downstairs
27:04to give him
27:05some instruction
27:06in his lordly duties?
27:08I think that's
27:08a splendid idea.
27:10This way,
27:11my lord.
27:18Give me the bloody money,
27:20Baldrick,
27:20or you're dead.
27:21Give me the bloody money,
27:22Baldrick,
27:23or you're dead,
27:23my lord.
27:26Just do it,
27:27Baldrick.
27:28Otherwise,
27:28I shall further
27:29ennoble you
27:29by knighting you
27:30rather clumsily
27:31with this meat cleaver.
27:33I've got it.
27:34What?
27:35I spent it.
27:36You spent it?
27:38What could you
27:39possibly spend
27:40400,000 pounds on?
27:46Oh.
27:49Oh, God,
27:50don't tell me.
27:51My dream turnip.
27:54Baldrick,
27:55how did you manage
27:56to find a turnip
27:57that cost
27:58400,000 pounds?
28:00Well,
28:00I had to haggle.
28:05this is the worst
28:06moment of my
28:07entire life.
28:09I spent my last
28:10penny on a
28:11cat skin
28:12wind cheater.
28:14I'd just broken
28:15a priceless turnip.
28:18And now,
28:19I'm about to be
28:19viciously slaughtered
28:21by a naked
28:22Tunisian
28:23sock merchant.
28:25All I can say,
28:26Baldrick,
28:27is this.
28:28It's the last time
28:29I'd double in
28:30politics.
28:30I'm about to be
28:37a
28:39a
28:40a
28:41a
28:42a
28:42a
28:44a
28:44a
28:45a
28:46a
28:46a
28:47a
28:48a
28:48a
28:49a
28:49a
28:50a
28:50a
28:57Oh
29:20Ah
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