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00:00I love you
00:37Oh, Mr. Blackadder?
00:39Leave me alone, Balric.
00:40If I'd wanted to talk to a vegetable, I'd have bought one at the market.
00:44Don't you want this message?
00:46No, thank you.
00:47God, I'm wasted here.
00:49There's no life for a man of noble blood
00:51being served into a master with the intellect of a jugged walrus
00:54and all the social graces of a potty.
00:58I'm wasted, too.
00:59I've been thinking of bettering myself.
01:02Oh, really? How?
01:03I applied for the job of village idiot of Kensington.
01:07Get anywhere?
01:08I got down to the last two, but I failed the final interview.
01:11Oh, what went wrong?
01:12I turned up.
01:14He thought he was such an idiot, he forgot to.
01:16Yes, I'm afraid my ambition stretched slightly further
01:19than professional idiocy in West London.
01:21I want to be remembered when I'm dead.
01:23I want books written about me.
01:25I want songs sung about me.
01:27And then hundreds of years from now,
01:28I want episodes from my life
01:30to be played out weekly at half past nine
01:33by some great heroic actor of the age.
01:37Yeah.
01:37And I could be played by some tiny tit in a beard.
01:42Quite.
01:42Now, what's this message?
01:43I thought you didn't want it.
01:44Well, I may do.
01:45It depends what it is.
01:46So, you do want it?
01:47Well, I don't know, do I?
01:48It depends what it is.
01:49Well, I can't tell you what it is unless you want to know
01:51and you said you didn't want to know
01:52and now I'm so confused.
01:53I don't know where I live or what my name is.
01:56Your name is of no importance
01:58and you live in the pipe in the upstairs water closet.
02:02Oh, God.
02:02Was the man who gave you this by any chance
02:04a red-headed lunatic with a kilt and a claymore?
02:07Yeah, and the funny thing is
02:08he looked exactly like you.
02:10My mad cousin, Macadder,
02:12the most dangerous man ever to wear a skirt in Europe.
02:16Yeah, he come in here playing the bagpipes
02:19then he made a haggis,
02:20sang Auld Lang Syne
02:21and punched me in the face.
02:23Why?
02:24Because I called him a not-kneed Scottish pillock.
02:27An unwise action, Baldrick,
02:29since mad Macadder is a homicidal maniac.
02:32My mother told me to stand up to homicidal maniacs.
02:35Yeah, so this is the same mother
02:36who confidently claims
02:37that you are a tall, handsome stallion of a man
02:40and has to treat her opinions with extreme caution.
02:43I love my mum.
02:45And I love chops and sauce,
02:46but I don't seek their advice.
02:48And I hate it when Macadder turns up.
02:51He's such a frog-eyed,
02:53beetle-browed basket case.
02:55He's the spitting image of you.
02:57No, he's not.
02:58About as similar as two completely dissimilar things
03:01in a pod.
03:03There's the old tartan throwback
03:05banging on about this time.
03:07They've come south for rebellion.
03:09Oh, God, surprise, surprise.
03:12Staying with McGinn's,
03:13the time has come.
03:14Best sword in Scotland,
03:16insurrection,
03:17blood,
03:18large bowl of porridge.
03:20Rightful claim to the throne.
03:22He's mad.
03:23He's mad!
03:24He's madder than Mad Jack McMad,
03:26the winner of last year's
03:28Mr. Madman Company.
03:32Ah!
03:33The walrus awakes.
03:36Ah!
03:37Blackadder,
03:38notice anything unusual?
03:40Yes, sir.
03:41It's 11.30 in the morning
03:42and you're moving about.
03:45Is the bed on fire?
03:47Well, I wouldn't know.
03:49I've been out all night.
03:52Guess what I've been doing?
03:56Beagling, sir?
03:59Better even than that.
04:00Sink me, Blackadder,
04:02if I haven't just had
04:03the most wonderful evening
04:04of my life.
04:05Tell me all, sir.
04:06Well, as you know,
04:07when I set out,
04:08I looked divine.
04:09At the party,
04:10as I passed,
04:11all eyes turned.
04:12And I dare say,
04:13quite a few stomachs.
04:15Well, that's right.
04:16And then,
04:16these two ravishing beauties
04:19came up to me
04:20and whispered in my ear
04:21that they loved me.
04:24And what happened
04:25after you woke up, sir?
04:28This was no dream,
04:29Blackadder.
04:30Five minutes later,
04:31I was in a coach
04:32flying through the London night
04:34bound for the ladies' home.
04:35Oh, and which ladies' home
04:37is this?
04:38A home for the elderly
04:39or a home for the
04:40mentally disadvantaged?
04:42No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
04:43This was Apsley House.
04:45Do you know it?
04:46Yes, sir.
04:47It is the seat
04:48of the Duke of Wellington.
04:49Those ladies,
04:50I fancy,
04:50would be his nieces.
04:52Oh, so you fancy them too?
04:53Well, I don't blame you.
04:54Bravo!
04:55Oh, I spent a night
04:56of ecstasy
04:57with a pair of Wellingtons
04:58and I loved it.
05:00Sir, it may interest you
05:01to know that
05:02the Iron Duke
05:02has always let it be known
05:04that he will kill
05:04in cold blood
05:05anyone who takes
05:07sexual advantage
05:07of any of his relatives.
05:09Yes, but
05:09big-nosed Wellington
05:10is in Spain
05:11fighting the French,
05:12you'll never know.
05:12Oh, on the contrary, sir.
05:13Wellington triumphed
05:14six months ago.
05:16I'm dead.
05:17It would seem so.
05:19I've got a prayer,
05:20have I, Blackadder?
05:21Against throat-slasher Wellington?
05:23The finest blade
05:24his majesty commands?
05:26Not really, no.
05:27Well, then I shall flee.
05:29How's your French, Blackadder?
05:30Parfait, monsieur,
05:31but I fear France
05:32would not be far enough.
05:34Well, how's your Mongolian?
05:35Hmm, Chang-ha-tang,
05:37Matomot-pon.
05:39But I fear Wellington
05:40is a close personal friend
05:41of the chief Mongol.
05:43They were at Eaton together.
05:45I'm doomed,
05:46doomed as the dodo.
05:48Oh, my God,
05:49he's here!
05:49Wellington's here already!
05:51Oh, your grace,
05:52forgive me, forgive me.
05:52I didn't know
05:53what I was doing.
05:53I was a mad, mad,
05:55sexually overactive fool.
05:57Sir, it's Baldrick.
05:58You're perfectly safe.
06:00Hurrah!
06:01Ah, until six o'clock tonight.
06:04Hurrah!
06:04From the Supreme Commander,
06:06Allied Forces Europe, sir.
06:08Prince or pauper,
06:09when a man soils a Wellington,
06:11he puts his foot in it.
06:14This is not a joke.
06:16I do not find my name
06:17remotely funny,
06:18and people who do
06:19end up dead.
06:21I challenge you
06:22to a duel tonight
06:23at 1800 hours
06:24in which you will die.
06:26Yours with sincere apologies
06:27for your impending
06:28violent slaughter,
06:29Arthur Wellesley,
06:30Duke of Wellington.
06:31Sounds a nice,
06:32polite sort of bloke.
06:33Oh, don't worry,
06:36sir, please.
06:37Just consider that
06:38life is a valley of woe
06:39filled with pain,
06:41misery, hunger,
06:42and despair.
06:43Well, not for me
06:43if bloody isn't.
06:44As far as I'm concerned,
06:45life is a big palace
06:46full of food, drink,
06:47and comfy sofas.
06:48May I speak, sir?
06:50Certainly not, Baldrick.
06:52The prince is about to die.
06:53The last thing he wants
06:54to do in his final moments
06:55is exchange pleasantries
06:56with a certified plum duff.
06:59Easy, black arrow.
07:00Let's hear him out.
07:01Very well, Valdick.
07:02We shall hear you out, then throw you out.
07:06Well, Your Majesty, I have a cunning plan which could get you out of this problem.
07:12Don't listen to him, sir.
07:13It's a cruel proletarian trick to raise your hopes.
07:16I shall have him shot the moment he's finished clearing away your breakfast.
07:19Wait, Blackadder, perhaps this disgusting, degraded creature is some sort of blessing in disguise.
07:25Well, if he is, it's a very good disguise.
07:27After all, did not our Lord send a lowly earthworm to comfort Moses in his torment?
07:32Nope.
07:34Well, it's the sort of thing you might have done.
07:36Well, come on, Mr. Spotsy, speak.
07:38Well, Your Majesty, I just thought, this Wellerton bloke's been in Europe for years.
07:43You don't know what he looks like.
07:44He don't know what you look like.
07:46So why don't you get someone else to fight the duel instead of you?
07:51But I'm the Prince Regent.
07:53My portrait hangs on every wall.
07:55Answer that, Valdick.
07:56Well, my cousin, Bert Baldrick, Mr. Gainsborough's butler's dog's body,
08:00he says that he's heard that all portraits look the same these days
08:04because they're painted to a romantic ideal
08:06rather than as a true depiction of the idiosyncratic facial qualities of the person in question.
08:14Your cousin, Bert, obviously has a larger vocabulary than you do.
08:18No, no, no, he's right, damn him.
08:21Anybody could fight the duel.
08:22Willers would never know.
08:23All the same, sir,
08:24Valdick's plan does seem to hinge
08:26on finding someone willing to commit suicide on your behalf.
08:30Oh, yes, yes, yes.
08:31But he would be fabulously rewarded.
08:33Money, titles, castle...
08:36The coffin, and...
08:37That's right.
08:37I thought maybe Mr. Blackadder himself would fancy the job.
08:41What a splendid idea.
08:44Excuse me, Your Highness.
08:45Trouble with the staff.
08:51Valdick, does it have to be this way?
08:53Our valued friendship ending with me
08:55cutting you into long strips
08:57and telling the prince that you walked over a very sharp cattle grid
09:00in an extremely heavy hat?
09:03Mr. Blackadder,
09:04you was only just saying in the kitchen how you wanted to rise again.
09:08Now here the prince is offering you the lot.
09:10But, tiny, tiny brain, the iron duke will kill me.
09:13To even think about taking him on,
09:14you'd have to be some kind of homicidal maniac
09:17who's fantastically good at fighting,
09:19like Makada.
09:20Like Makada.
09:21Like Makada could fight the jewel for me.
09:25My apologies, sir.
09:26I was just having a word with my insurance people.
09:30And obviously, I would be delighted to die on your behalf.
09:33God's toenails, Blackadder.
09:34I'm most damnably grateful.
09:36You won't regret this, you know.
09:37Well, that's excellent.
09:38There's just one point, sir.
09:39Ray, the suicide policy.
09:41There is an unusual clause
09:43which states that the policyholder
09:45must wear a big red wig
09:47and affect the Scottish accent
09:48in the combat zone.
09:50Small print, eh?
09:54Ah, Mrs. McGinnis.
09:56Now I to gather from your look of pie-eyed exhaustion
09:59and the globules of porridge hanging off the wall
10:01that my cousin Makada
10:03has presented his credentials.
10:05Oh, yes, indeed, sir.
10:07You've just missed him.
10:08I hope he's been practising with his claymore.
10:11Oh, I should say so.
10:13I'm as weary as a dog with no legs
10:16that's just climbed Ben Nevis.
10:18Claymore is a sword, Mrs. McGinn.
10:20See this intricate wood carving
10:22of the infant Samuel at prayer?
10:24He whittled that with the tip of his mighty weapon
10:27with his eyes closed.
10:29Yes, excuse me.
10:30He bid me bite on a plank.
10:32There was a whirlwind of steel
10:33and within a minute
10:34three men lay dead
10:35and I had a lovely new set of nashers.
10:38Good morning.
10:39Well, look, just tell him to meet me here
10:40at five o'clock, will you,
10:42to discuss an extremely cunning plan.
10:44If all goes well,
10:45by tomorrow the clan of Makada
10:47will be marching the high road back to glory.
10:49Oh, lovely.
10:51I'll do you a nice packed lunch.
10:53Good news, Your Highness.
10:55This evening I will carve the duke
10:56into an attractive piece of furniture
10:58with some excellent dental work.
11:00Your Highness?
11:05Oh, thank God it's you, Blackadder.
11:07I've just had word from Wellington
11:08and he's on his way here now.
11:10Oh, that's awkward.
11:11The duke must believe from the very start
11:13that I am you.
11:14Well, any ideas?
11:15There's no alternative, sir.
11:16We must swap clothes.
11:18Oh, fantastic.
11:19Yes, dressing up.
11:20I love it.
11:22It's like that story,
11:23the prince and the paupers.
11:25And the pauper.
11:26Oh, yes, yes.
11:28Prince and the paupers and the pauper.
11:30Yes.
11:33Excellent, excellent.
11:35Why, my own father wouldn't recognise me.
11:37Your own father never can.
11:39He's mad.
11:39Oh, yes, yes.
11:41Unfortunately, sir,
11:41you do realise that I shall have to treat you
11:43like a servant.
11:45Oh, I think I can cope with that.
11:47Thank you, Blackadder.
11:47And you'll have to get used to calling me
11:49Your Highness, Your Highness.
11:51Your Highness, Your Highness.
11:54No, just Your Highness, Your Highness.
11:56That's what I said.
11:57Your Highness, Your Highness.
11:59Your Highness, Your Highness.
12:01Yes, let's just leave that for now, shall we?
12:03Complicated stuff, obviously.
12:05Who knows he's here.
12:08But what?
12:09Who?
12:10Where?
12:11How?
12:12Don't even try to work it out, Baldrick.
12:14Two people you know well have exchanged coats
12:16and now you don't know which is which.
12:18I say, I'm pretty confused myself.
12:20Which one of us is Wellington?
12:25Wellington is the man at the door.
12:27Who?
12:28On the porpoise?
12:34Hasn't arrived yet, sir.
12:35We'll just have to fill in as best we can with that.
12:38Sir, if you would let the Duke in.
12:40Certainly, Your Highness, Your Highness.
12:45And you'd better get out too, Baldrick.
12:46Yes, Your Highness, Your Highness.
12:50If only they had a brain cell between them.
12:54The Duke of Wellington.
12:56Have I the honour of addressing the Prince Regent, sir?
12:59You do?
13:00Hmm.
13:01Congratulations, Highness.
13:02Your bearing is far nobler than I've been informed.
13:05Take my hat at once, sir,
13:07unless you wish to feel my boot in your throat
13:08and be quicker about it than you were with a door.
13:10Yes, my lord.
13:11I'm a Duke, not a Lord!
13:13Don't you train the dago dancing class?
13:16Should I have my people thrash him for you, Highness?
13:18Um, no, he's very new.
13:20At the moment, I'm sparing the rod.
13:22Yeah, fatal error.
13:23Give him an inch, and before you know it,
13:24they've got a foot.
13:25Oh, much more than that,
13:26you don't have a leg to stand on.
13:28Get out!
13:30Closer, to business.
13:33I'm informed that your royal father
13:35grows ever more eccentric,
13:36and at present he believes himself to be
13:38a small village in Lincolnshire,
13:42commanding spectacular views of the Neen Valley.
13:46I therefore pass my full account of the war
13:48on to you, the Prince of Wales.
13:49Oh, that's excellent.
13:52We won.
13:53Signed, Wellington.
13:55I see something that quite well.
13:57Was there anything else?
13:58Two other trifling affairs, sir.
14:00The men had a whip round and got you this.
14:02Well, what I mean is,
14:03I had the men randly whipped until they got you this.
14:06It's a cigarillo case,
14:08engraved with the regimental crest
14:09of two crossed dead Frenchmen
14:11in flames of a mound of dead Frenchmen motifs.
14:16Thank you very much.
14:17And the other trifling thing?
14:19Your impending death, Highness.
14:21Oh, yes, of course.
14:22Mind like a sieve.
14:23I cannot deny.
14:24I'm looking forward to it.
14:26Britain has the finest trade,
14:27the finest armies,
14:28the finest navies in the world.
14:30And what do we have for royalty?
14:32A mad kraut sausage sucker
14:34and a son who can't keep his own sausage to himself.
14:38The sooner you're dead, the better.
14:40You're very kind.
14:41Now, you're no doubt anxious
14:42to catch up with the latest news of the war.
14:44I have here the most recent briefs
14:46from my general in the field.
14:47Yes, well, if you could just pop them
14:48in the laundry basket on the way out.
14:50Tea?
14:52Yes, immediately.
14:55Now, let's turn to the second front, my lord.
14:58Ah, yes.
14:59Now, as I understand it,
15:00Napoleon is in North Africa
15:03and Nelson is stationed in...
15:05Alaska, Your Highness.
15:06In case Boney should try and trick us
15:08by coming via the North Pole.
15:12Yes, perhaps a preferable stratagem, Your Grace,
15:15might be to harry him amidships
15:17as he leaves the Mediterranean.
15:19Trafalgar might be quite a good...
15:22Trafalgar?
15:22Well, I'll mention it to Nelson.
15:24I must say, I'm beginning to regret
15:26the necessity of killing you, Your Highness.
15:28I've been told by everybody
15:29that the prince was a confounded moron.
15:31Oh, no, no, no, no.
15:32Oh, Helen Buckshot,
15:34here's that tiresome servant of yours again.
15:36Oh, budge up, budge up.
15:38How dare you sit, sir, in the presence of your beggars?
15:41Get up!
15:42Oh, Christ, yes, I forgot.
15:43You speak when you're spoken to!
15:46Unless you'd rather be flayed across a gun garage?
15:48Well?
15:51Sir, sir, I fear you have been too long a soldier.
15:53We no longer treat servants that way in London society.
15:57Why, I hardly touched the man.
15:59I think you hit him very hard.
16:01Nonsense!
16:01And that would have been a hard hit.
16:04I just hit him like that.
16:07No, sir.
16:08A soft hit would be like this.
16:11Whereas you hit him like this.
16:21I wonder if I might be excused,
16:23Your Highness, Your Highness.
16:27I'm sorry about that, sir,
16:28but one has to keep up the pretense.
16:30I don't quite understand.
16:31You carry on the good work.
16:33Very well, sir.
16:36Hey, Helen!
16:37This is bloody coffee.
16:39I ordered tea.
16:40You bloody fool, aren't you?
16:43I heard everywhere that the prince was the imbecile,
16:46whereas his servant, Blackadder,
16:47was respected about the town.
16:49Now that I discover the truth,
16:50I'm disposed to beat you to death.
16:53Tea!
17:01Tell me,
17:02did you ever stop bullying and shouting at the lower orders?
17:04No!
17:05There's only one way to win a campaign.
17:07Shout, shout, and shout again!
17:10You don't think, then,
17:11that inspired leadership and tactical ability
17:13have anything to do with it?
17:16No!
17:17It's all down to shouting!
17:19Grrrr!
17:21I hear that conditions in your army are appalling.
17:24Well, I'm sorry,
17:25but those are my conditions,
17:26and you'll just have to accept them.
17:28That is, until this evening,
17:29when I shall kill you.
17:31Hmm.
17:31Who knows?
17:32Maybe I shall kill you.
17:34Jonsons!
17:35I've never been so much as scratched.
17:37My skin is as smooth as a baby's bottom.
17:40Which is more than you can say for my bottom.
17:44One point, sir.
17:45I should perhaps warn you
17:47that while dueling,
17:48I tend to put on my lucky wig
17:50and regimental accent.
17:52That won't help you.
17:53It would take a homicidal maniac
17:55in a claymore and a kilt
17:57to get the better of me.
18:00Well, that's handy.
18:02I tell you, Baldrick,
18:04I'm not leaving this kitchen
18:04until that man is out of the house.
18:07Oh, that's...
18:07It's all right, Your Majesty.
18:09Don't worry.
18:10I'll deal with this.
18:12Hello, Baldrick.
18:13I've brought you buns, sir.
18:15Where's Mr Blackadder?
18:16Oh, not upstairs,
18:17still running about
18:18after that
18:19port-swilling,
18:21tadpole-brained,
18:22smelly-boots.
18:24I don't know who you mean.
18:27Prince George, Baldrick.
18:29His boots smell so bad
18:31a man would need to have
18:31his nose amputated
18:33before taking them off.
18:34Well, that's what
18:35Mr Blackadder says.
18:36That's a joke.
18:38Didn't you write a little poem
18:39about him last week?
18:41No, I didn't.
18:42Oh, you did.
18:44In the winter it's cool,
18:45in the summer it's hot,
18:47but all the year round
18:48Prince George is a clot.
18:51Lovely.
18:52I said Prince George
18:53is a lovely.
18:54Oh, well.
18:55I'd better be off, anyway.
18:57Tell Mr Blackadder
18:58to expect Mr Macadder
18:59at five o'clock
19:00as soon as that
19:02fat Prussian truffle pig
19:03has got his snout
19:04wedged into a bucket
19:06of tea cakes.
19:08I think it must be
19:09next door,
19:10your wanting strange woman
19:12who I've never seen
19:13before, Mrs Miggins.
19:16Baldrick.
19:17Yes, Your Highness.
19:18Is it true
19:19did you really write
19:21a poem about
19:21how lovely I am?
19:26Yes.
19:27And Mr Blackadder
19:28loves you too.
19:30Well, I must say
19:30I find that very touching.
19:32I do.
19:33I wish we wouldn't
19:35keep on doing that.
19:36Well, goodbye, sir.
19:38And may the best man win.
19:39I.e.
19:40me.
19:42Your tea, sir.
19:43You're late!
19:44What the hell have you been
19:45for in India?
19:48Or salon?
19:50Or China?
19:54And don't bother
19:55to show me
19:55the way out.
19:56I don't want to die
19:57of old age
19:57before I get
19:58to the front door.
20:00Ah, my goodness.
20:01So, where's Macadder?
20:03I thought he was going
20:03to be here
20:04at five o'clock.
20:04Yes, I'm sorry.
20:06He's just popped out.
20:08You look,
20:08ever so similar
20:09to each other,
20:10you know,
20:11it's quite eerie.
20:12Look, did you tell him
20:13to be here or not?
20:13I did, I did.
20:15You just seem to keep
20:15missing each other.
20:17I can't imagine why.
20:19I'll tell you why.
20:20That's because
20:21there's no coffee shop
20:22in England
20:23big enough
20:23for two black adders.
20:25Ah, good day,
20:27cousin Macadder.
20:28I trust you are well?
20:29Aye, well enough.
20:31And Morag?
20:32She bides fine.
20:34And how stands
20:35that mighty army,
20:36the clan Macadder?
20:37They're both well.
20:40I always thought
20:41that Jamie and Angus
20:42were such fine boys.
20:44Angus is a girl.
20:47So, tell me,
20:48my cousin,
20:49I hear you have
20:50a cunning plan.
20:51I do, I do.
20:53I want you
20:54to take the place
20:55of the Prince Regent
20:56and kill the Duke
20:57of Wellington
20:58in a duel.
20:59Aye, and what's
21:00in it for me?
21:01Enough cash
21:02to buy the
21:02Outer Hebrides.
21:03What do you think?
21:05Fourteen shillings
21:05and sixpence.
21:07Well, it's tempting.
21:09But I've got
21:10an even better plan.
21:11Why don't I pretend
21:12to be the Duke
21:13of Wellington
21:13and kill the Prince
21:15of Wales in a duel?
21:16Then I could kill
21:17the King
21:17and be crowned
21:18with the ancient
21:19stone bonnet
21:20of Macadder.
21:21And I shall wear
21:22the granite gown
21:23and limestone bodice
21:25of MacMiggins,
21:26Queen of all the herds.
21:28Look, for God's sake,
21:30Macadder,
21:30you're not Rob Roy.
21:32You're a top
21:32kipper salesman
21:33with a reputable firm
21:35of Aberdeen fishmongers.
21:36Don't throw it all away.
21:38If you kill the Prince,
21:39they'll just send
21:40the bailiffs round
21:40and arrest you.
21:41Oh, blast.
21:42I forgot the bailiffs.
21:44So we can return
21:45to our original plan,
21:46then?
21:46No, I'm not interested.
21:48I'd rather go to bed
21:49with the Loch Lomond monster.
21:50And besides,
21:51I have to be back
21:52in the office on Friday.
21:53I promised Mr. McNulty
21:54I'd shift a particularly
21:56difficult bloater for him.
21:58Forget the whole thing.
22:00I'm off home
22:00with Migsy.
22:02Yes, yes.
22:03Show me the glen
22:04where the kipper roams free.
22:06And forget Morag forever.
22:09No, never.
22:09We must do right
22:10by Morag.
22:11We must return to Scotland
22:13and you must fight her
22:14in the old Highland way.
22:15Bare-breasted
22:16and each carrying
22:17an eight-pound baby.
22:18Oh, yes.
22:19Yes.
22:20I love babies.
22:21Oh, yeah, woman of spirit.
22:23I look forward to burying you
22:25in the old Highland manor.
22:27Farewell, Blackadder,
22:28you spineless goon.
22:31Oh, God.
22:33Fortune vomits
22:34on my Eiderdown once.
22:39Ah, Blackadder.
22:40It has been a wild afternoon
22:42full of strange omens.
22:44I dreamt that a large eagle
22:46circled the room three times
22:48and then got into bed with me
22:49and took all the blankets.
22:51And then I saw that
22:52it wasn't an eagle at all
22:53but a large black snake.
22:55Also, Duncan's horses
22:56did turn and eat each other
22:58as usual.
23:00Good portents for your duel,
23:01do you think?
23:02Not very good, sir.
23:03I'm afraid the duel is off.
23:05Off?
23:05Off, as in sod.
23:07I'm not doing it.
23:08But, Thunder,
23:09here's a pretty game.
23:10You will stay, sir,
23:11and do duty by your prince
23:13or I shall...
23:14Oh, what?
23:14You port-brained twerp.
23:17I've looked after you
23:18all my life.
23:19Even when we were babies,
23:21I had to show you
23:21which bit of your mother
23:22was serving the drinks.
23:25Oh, please, please,
23:26you've got to help me.
23:27I don't want to die.
23:29I've got so much to give.
23:30I want more time.
23:31A poignant plea, sir,
23:32enough to melt
23:33the stoniest of hearts
23:34but the answer,
23:35I'm afraid,
23:35must remain
23:36you're going to die,
23:37fat pig.
23:39Oh, wait, wait, wait.
23:41I'll give you everything.
23:45Everything?
23:45Everything.
23:46The money,
23:47the castles,
23:48the jewellery?
23:48Yes.
23:49The highly artistic
23:50but also highly illegal
23:51set of French lithographs?
23:53Everything.
23:54The amusing clock
23:55where the little man
23:56comes out
23:56and drops his trousers
23:57every half hour.
23:59Yes, yes, all right.
24:00Very well, I accept.
24:01A man may fight
24:03for many things.
24:03His country,
24:04his principles,
24:05his friends,
24:06the glistening tear
24:07on the cheek
24:08of a golden child.
24:09But personally,
24:10I'd mud-wrestle
24:11my own mother
24:12for a ton of cash
24:13and a musing clock
24:14and a sack
24:15of French porn.
24:16Yeah, right.
24:18Hurrah!
24:21Right, Baldick,
24:22now here's the plan.
24:23When he offers me
24:24the swords,
24:25I kick him in the nuts
24:26and you set fire
24:27to the building.
24:29In the confusion,
24:30we claim a draw.
24:31Yes.
24:31Now, your highness,
24:33let's be about our business.
24:34Now, don't forget, Baldick,
24:36you,
24:37when I...
24:39Come, sir,
24:40choose your stoker.
24:44What, are we going to
24:45tickle each other to death?
24:47No, sir,
24:48we fight with cannon.
24:50But I thought
24:50what we're fighting
24:51was swords.
24:52Swords?
24:53What do you think this is?
24:53The Middle Ages?
24:55Only girls
24:56fight with swords
24:57these days.
24:58Stand by again, sir.
25:00Hot tootsie!
25:01Hot tootsie!
25:02Look, wait a minute.
25:03I can't...
25:03Stand by,
25:04cannon for loading,
25:05procedure!
25:06Spoke!
25:07Muzzle!
25:08Branch!
25:09Crank!
25:09Storch!
25:09Congratulations
25:10on choosing
25:11the Armstrong Whitworth
25:14four-pounder
25:15cannonet.
25:17Please read
25:18instructions carefully
25:19and it should give you
25:20years of trouble-free
25:21maiming.
25:24Check elevation,
25:25charge trajectory,
25:27prime fuse,
25:29aim!
25:30Look, wait a minute.
25:31Fire!
25:34Mr. B!
25:35Mr. B!
25:36Sir, please,
25:36help me get his coat off.
25:38Leave him,
25:39Aldrich.
25:39It doesn't matter.
25:40Yes, it does.
25:41Blood's hell to shift.
25:42I want to get it in soon.
25:44You die like a man,
25:45sir,
25:46in combat.
25:47You think so?
25:48Damn it,
25:49we must build a better world.
25:51When will the killing end?
25:52You don't think I, too,
25:54dream of peace?
25:55You don't think I, too,
25:56yearn to end this damn
25:58dirty job we call
25:59soldiering?
26:00Frankly, no.
26:02My final wish upon this
26:03earth is that
26:04Baldrick be sold
26:05to provide funds
26:06for a Blackadder
26:07foundation to promote
26:08peace and to do
26:09research into the
26:10possibility of an
26:11automatic machine
26:12for cleaning shoes.
26:14Also, I charge
26:18his highness
26:19is dead.
26:20Actually, I'm not
26:21sure I am.
26:22Fortunately,
26:23that cigarillo
26:24box you gave me
26:25was placed exactly
26:26at the point
26:27the cannonball
26:28struck.
26:29I always said
26:30smoking was good
26:31for you.
26:33Honour is
26:34satisfied.
26:35God clearly
26:36preserves you
26:37for greatness.
26:38His highness
26:38is saved.
26:39Hurrah!
26:41Um, no,
26:42actually.
26:42It's me.
26:43I'm his highness.
26:44Well done,
26:45bladders.
26:45Glad you made it.
26:46What in the name
26:47of Bonaparte's
26:48balls is this
26:49fellow to me now?
26:50No, no, I really
26:51am the prince.
26:52It was all just
26:52larks.
26:53And I'm going to find
26:54larks at that,
26:55I thought.
26:55I have never
26:56in all my campaigns
26:58encountered such
26:59insolence.
27:00Your master survives
27:01an honourable duel
27:02and you cheek him
27:03like a French
27:04whoopsie.
27:05I can contain
27:06myself no longer.
27:10I die.
27:12I hope men
27:13will say of me
27:13that I did
27:15duty by my country.
27:16I think that's
27:17pretty unlikely, sir.
27:19If I was you,
27:19I'd try for something
27:20a bit more realistic.
27:22Like what?
27:22You hope that men
27:23will think of you
27:24as a bit of a
27:25thickie?
27:26All right,
27:26then, I'll hope that.
27:27Um, toodaloo,
27:28everyone,
27:28let you know
27:29and all that.
27:29For His Majesty,
27:31the King of England,
27:33somebody told me
27:34my son was here.
27:36I wish him
27:37to marry
27:39this rosebush
27:40and I want to make
27:42the wedding arrangements.
27:46Here I am,
27:48Daddy.
27:49This is the Iron Duke,
27:50Wellington,
27:51commander of all
27:52your armed forces.
27:53Yes,
27:53I recognise
27:54the enormous conch.
27:56He's a hero,
27:57a man of wit
27:58and discretion.
27:59Bravo.
28:00You know my son
28:01for the first time
28:02in my life,
28:03I'm real fatherly
28:05feeling about you.
28:07People may say
28:08I'm stark raving mad
28:09and say the word
28:10penguin
28:11after each sentence.
28:13I believe
28:14we too
28:15can make Britain great.
28:17You as the
28:18Prince Regent
28:18and I as King Penguin.
28:22Well, that's okay.
28:24Wellington,
28:25will you come and
28:25dine with us
28:26at the palace?
28:26My family
28:28have a lot
28:28to thank you for.
28:29Yeah, it'll be a great pleasure.
28:30Your father may be
28:31as mad as a balloon
28:33but I think you have
28:34the makings
28:34of a fine king.
28:35Ah,
28:35a wunderbare
28:37Hochzeit,
28:38and Baldrick,
28:39clear away that dead
28:41butler, will you?
28:45A new star in heaven
28:47tonight.
28:48A new freckle on the nose
28:50of the giant pixie.
28:53Um, no, actually,
28:54Baldrick, I'm not dead.
28:56You see,
28:56I had a cigarillo box too.
28:58Look.
29:00Oh, damn,
29:00I must have left it
29:01on the dresser.
29:01I'm not dead.
29:02I'm not dead.
29:04I'm not dead.
29:05I'm not dead.
29:19I'm not dead.
29:20I'm not dead.
29:20I'm not dead.
29:20I'm not dead.
29:20I'm dead.
29:22I'm dead.
29:26I'm dead.
29:27I'm dead.
29:29I'm dead.
29:43Black Adam
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