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00:26To be continued...
00:37Oh! Oh! Oh! Blackadder! Blackadder!
00:41Your Highness.
00:42What time is it?
00:43Three o'clock in the afternoon, Your Highness.
00:46Oh, thank God for that. I thought I'd overslept.
00:48I trust you had a pleasant evening, sir.
00:51Well, no, actually. The most extraordinary thing happened.
00:55Last night, I was having a bit of a snack at the naughty Hellfire Club,
00:58and some fellow said that I had the wit and sophistication of a donkey.
01:03Oh, an absurd suggestion, sir.
01:05You're right, it is absurd.
01:06Unless, of course, it was a particularly stupid donkey.
01:11See, if only I'd thought of saying that.
01:13Well, there is so often the way, sir, too late one thinks of what one should have said.
01:17Sir Thomas More, for instance, burned alive for refusing to recant his Catholicism.
01:21Must have been kicking himself as the flames licked higher,
01:25but it never occurred to him to say,
01:27I recant my Catholicism.
01:30Well, yes, you see, only the other day, Prime Minister Pitt called me an idle scrounger.
01:34And it wasn't until eight years later that I thought how clever it would have been
01:37to have said,
01:38Oh, bugger off, you old fart!
01:41I need to improve my mind, Blackadder.
01:44I want people to say,
01:45That George, why, he's as clever as a stick in a bucket of pig swill.
01:49And how do you suggest this miracle is to be achieved, Your Highness?
01:53Easy!
01:53I shall become best friends with the cleverest man in England.
01:57That renowned brain box, Dr Samuel Johnson,
02:00has asked me to be patron of his new book,
02:02and I intend to accept.
02:04Would this be the long-awaited dictionary, sir?
02:06Who cares about the title, as long as there's plenty of juicy murders in it?
02:10I hear it's a masterpiece.
02:11No, sir, it is not.
02:13It's the most pointless book since How to Learn French was translated into French.
02:20You haven't got anything personal against Johnson, have you, Blackadder?
02:24Good Lord, sir, not at all.
02:26In fact, I'd never heard of him until you mentioned him just now.
02:29But you do think he's a genius?
02:31No, sir, I do not.
02:32Unless, of course, the definition of genius in his ridiculous dictionary
02:36is a fat dullard or wobble-bottom
02:40a compass ass with sweaty dewflap.
02:45Well, close shave there, then.
02:47Lucky you warned me.
02:48I was about to embrace this unholy arse to the royal bosom.
02:52I'm delighted to have been instrumental in keeping your bosom free of arses.
02:57Bravo!
02:58Don't want to waste my valuable time with wobble-bottoms.
03:01I'll take some tea, will you, Blackadder?
03:03Certainly, sir.
03:03Oh, and make it two cups, will you?
03:05That splendid brain box, Dr Johnson's coming round.
03:12Something wrong, Mr B?
03:14Oh, something's always wrong, Borders.
03:18The fact that I'm not a millionaire aristocrat
03:20with the sexual capacity of a rutting rhino is a constant niggle.
03:25But today, something's even wronger.
03:27That globulus fraud, Dr Johnson, is coming to tea.
03:31I thought he was the cleverest man in England.
03:33Baldrick, I'd bump into cleverer people
03:35at a lodge meeting of the Guild of Village Idiots.
03:39That's not what you said when you sent him your navel.
03:42Novel, Baldrick, not navel.
03:45I sent him my novel.
03:47Well, novel or navel, it sounds a bit like a bag of grapefruits to me.
03:52The phrase, Baldrick, is a case of sour grapes.
03:55And yes, it bloody well is.
03:57And he might at least have written back, but no, nothing.
03:59Not even a dear Gertrude Perkins, thank you for your book,
04:03gets stuffed Samuel Johnson.
04:05Gertrude Perkins?
04:06Yes, I gave myself a female pseudonym.
04:10Everybody's doing it these days.
04:11Mrs Radcliffe, Jane Austen.
04:14What, Jane Austen's a man?
04:15Of course.
04:16A huge Yorkshireman with a beard like a rhododendron.
04:21Oh, quite a small one, then.
04:23Well, compared to Dorothy Wordsworth, certainly.
04:26James Boswell is the only real woman writing at the moment,
04:29and that's just because she wants to get inside Johnson's britches.
04:33Perhaps your book really isn't any good.
04:35Oh, codswallop, it's taken me seven years and it's perfect.
04:39Edmund, a butler's tale.
04:41A giant rollercoaster of a novel in 400 sizzling chapters.
04:46A searing indictment of domestic servitude in the 18th century
04:50with some hot gypsies thrown in.
04:53It's my magnum opus, Baldrick.
04:55Everybody has one novel in them, and this is mine.
04:58And this is mine.
05:01My magnificent octopus.
05:04This is your novel, Baldrick.
05:06Yeah, I can't stand long books.
05:09Once upon a time, there was a lovely little sausage called Baldrick.
05:14And it lived happily ever after.
05:18It's semi-autobiographical.
05:20And it's completely, utterly awful.
05:23Dr Johnson will probably love it.
05:26Oh, speak of the devil.
05:29Well, I'd better go and make the great doctor comfortable.
05:32Let's just see how damn smart Dr Fatty know-it-all really is.
05:37Oh, and prepare a fire for the prince, will you, Baldrick?
05:40What shall I use?
05:41Oh, any old rubbish will do.
05:43The paper's quite good.
05:44Here, try this for starters.
05:49Enter.
05:51Dr Johnson, Your Highness.
05:52Ah, Dr Johnson.
05:54Damn cold day.
05:55Indeed it is, sir, but a verified one.
05:57For I celebrated last night the encyclopedic implementation
06:00of my premeditated orchestration of Dermotic Anglo-Saxon.
06:07Nope, didn't catch any of that.
06:09Well, I simply observed, sir, that I'm felicitous.
06:11Since during the course of the penultimate solar sojourn,
06:14I terminated my uninterrupted categorisation
06:17of the vocabulary of our post-Norman tongue.
06:23Oh, I don't know what you're talking about.
06:25It sounds damn saucy, you lucky thing.
06:27I know some fairly liberal-minded girls,
06:29but I've never penultimated any of them in that solar sojourn.
06:32If I hadn't been given any Norman tongue.
06:38I believe, sir, that the doctor is trying to tell you
06:40that he is happy because he has finished his book.
06:43It has apparently taken him ten years.
06:46Yes, well, I'm a slow reader myself.
06:52Here it is, sir.
06:54The very cornerstone of English scholarship.
06:56This book, sir, contains every word in our beloved language.
07:01Every single one, sir?
07:03Every single word, sir.
07:05Well, in that case, sir, I hope you will not object
07:07if I also offer the doctor my most enthusiastic contrafibularities.
07:13What?
07:15Contrafibularities, sir?
07:16It is a common word down our way.
07:18Damn!
07:20Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
07:22I'm anuspeptic,
07:24phrasmotic,
07:26even compunctuous
07:27to have caused you such pericombolation.
07:31What?
07:32What?
07:33What are you all about, Blackheader?
07:34This is all beginning to sound a bit like Dago talked to me.
07:37I'm sorry, sir.
07:38I merely wished to congratulate the doctor
07:40on not having left out a single word.
07:43Shall I fetch the tea, Your Highness?
07:45Yes, yes.
07:46And then get that damn fire up here, will you?
07:48Certainly, sir.
07:49I shall return...
07:51...interfrastically.
07:55So, Dr Johnson,
07:56sit you down.
07:58Now, this book of yours,
07:59tell me,
08:00what's it all about?
08:01It is a book about the English language, sir.
08:04I see.
08:05And the hero's name is what?
08:07There is no hero, sir.
08:09No hero?
08:10Well, lucky I reminded you.
08:12Better put one in pronto.
08:13So, um, call him George.
08:15George is a good name for a hero.
08:17Um, now, what about heroines?
08:18There is no heroine, sir,
08:20unless it is our mother tongue.
08:22Ugh.
08:22The mother's the heroine.
08:23Nice twist.
08:25So, how far have we got, then?
08:26Old mother tongue
08:27is in love with George, the hero.
08:29Now, what about murders?
08:30Mother tongue doesn't get murdered, does she?
08:32No, she doesn't.
08:33No-one gets murdered,
08:34or married,
08:34or in a tricky situation
08:36over a pound note.
08:37Well, now, look, Dr Johnson,
08:39I may be as thick as a whale omelette,
08:42but even I know
08:43a book's got to have a plot.
08:45Not this one, sir.
08:47It is a book that tells you
08:48what English words mean.
08:50I know what English words mean.
08:52I speak English.
08:53You must be a bit of a thicko.
08:55Perhaps you would rather
08:56not be patron of my book
08:58if you can see no value in it
08:59whatsoever, sir.
09:00Well, perhaps so, sir.
09:01As it sounds to me,
09:02as if my being patron of this
09:03complete culpat of a book
09:05will set the seal once and for all
09:07on my reputation
09:08as an utter turnip head.
09:10Well, it is a reputation
09:12well-deserved, sir.
09:13Farewell.
09:17Leaving already, Doctor?
09:19Not staying for your
09:20appendigistatory interludicality?
09:23No, sir.
09:24Show me out.
09:25Certainly, sir.
09:27Anything I can do
09:28to facilitate
09:28your velocitous extramuralisation.
09:31You will regret this doubly, sir.
09:34Not only have you impeculiated
09:36my dictionary,
09:37but you have also lost
09:38the chance to act as patron
09:39to the only book in the world
09:41that is even better.
09:43Oh.
09:43And what is that, sir?
09:44Dictionary 2?
09:46The return of the killer dictionary?
09:50No, sir.
09:51It is Edmund,
09:52a butler's tale
09:52by Gertrude Perkins.
09:54A huge rollercoaster
09:56of a novel
09:58crammed with sizzling gypsies.
10:00Had you supported it, sir,
10:02it would have made you
10:03and me
10:04and Gertrude
10:05millionaires.
10:06Millionaires.
10:09But it was not for me, sir.
10:11I fare you well,
10:12I shall not return.
10:14Excuse me, sir.
10:15Uh, Doctor Johnson.
10:18A word, I beg you.
10:19A word with you, sir,
10:21can mean seven million syllables.
10:22You might start now
10:24and not be finished by bedtime.
10:26Oh, blast my eyes!
10:27In my fury,
10:28I have left my dictionary
10:29with your foolish master.
10:30Go fetch it, will you?
10:31Sir, the prince is young
10:33and foolish
10:34and has a peanut
10:35for a bread.
10:37Give me just a few minutes
10:38and I will deliver
10:39both the book
10:39and his patronage.
10:41Oh, will you, sir?
10:42I very much doubt it.
10:44A servant who was
10:45an influence for the good
10:46is like a dog who speaks.
10:48Very rare.
10:49I think I can change his mind.
10:51Hmm.
10:51Well, I doubt it, sir.
10:52A man who can change
10:53a prince's mind
10:54is like a dog
10:55who speaks Norwegian.
10:56Even rarer.
10:58I shall be at
10:59Mrs. Meaghan's
10:59literary salon
11:00in 20 minutes.
11:01Bring the book there.
11:03Your Highness,
11:04may I offer my congratulations?
11:06Well, thanks, Black Adam.
11:07That pompous baboon
11:09won't be back in a hurry.
11:10Oh, on the contrary, sir.
11:12Dr. Johnson left
11:13in the highest of spirits.
11:14What?
11:15He is utterly thrilled
11:16at your promise
11:16to patronise
11:17his dictionary.
11:19I told him to sod off,
11:20didn't I?
11:22Yes, sir,
11:22but that was a joke.
11:24Surely.
11:25Was it?
11:26Certainly.
11:27And a brilliant one,
11:28what's more?
11:30Yes.
11:31Yes.
11:31I, you know,
11:32I suppose it was rather,
11:33wasn't it?
11:33Yeah.
11:34So may I deliver
11:35your note of patronage
11:36to Dr. Johnson,
11:37as promised?
11:38Well, of course.
11:38If that's what I promised,
11:39then that's what I must do.
11:41And I remember
11:41promising it distinctly.
11:43Excellent.
11:44Nice fire, Baldrick.
11:45Thank you, Mr. B.
11:46Right.
11:46Let's get the book.
11:48Now, Baldrick,
11:49where's the manuscript?
11:51You mean the big papery thing
11:52tied up with string?
11:54Yes, Baldrick,
11:54the manuscript
11:55belonging to Dr. Johnson.
11:57You mean the baity fellow
11:58in the black coat
11:59who just left?
12:00Yes, Baldrick,
12:01Dr. Johnson.
12:02So you're asking
12:03where the big papery thing
12:04tied up with string
12:06belonging to the baity fellow
12:07in the black coat
12:08who just left is?
12:10Yes, Baldrick,
12:10I am.
12:11And if you don't answer,
12:13then the booted,
12:14bony thing
12:14with five toes
12:15on the end of my leg
12:17will soon connect sharply
12:19with the soft,
12:20dangly collection
12:21of objects
12:21in your...
12:24For the last time,
12:26Baldrick,
12:26where is Dr. Johnson's
12:28manuscript?
12:29On the fire.
12:30What?
12:31The hot,
12:32orangey thing
12:33under the stone
12:34in the manuscript.
12:36You've burnt
12:36the dictionary?
12:38Yup.
12:39You've burnt
12:40the life's work
12:41of England's foremost
12:42man of letters?
12:43Well, you did say
12:44burn any old rubbish.
12:45Yes, fine.
12:47Isn't it, uh,
12:48a bit difficult
12:49for me to patronise
12:50this book
12:51if we burnt it?
12:52Yes, it is.
12:55If you would excuse me
12:56a moment.
12:56Of course, of course.
12:57Now I've got my lovely fire,
12:58I'm as happy
12:59as a Frenchman
13:00who's invented
13:00a pair of self-removing
13:01trousers.
13:03Baldrick,
13:03would you join me
13:04in the vestibule?
13:10We are going to go
13:11to Mrs. McGinn's.
13:12We're going to find out
13:13where Dr. Johnson
13:14keeps a copy
13:14of that dictionary
13:15and then you
13:16are going to steal it.
13:17Me?
13:17Yes, you.
13:18Why me?
13:18Because you burnt it,
13:20Baldrick.
13:20But then I'll go to hell
13:21forever for stealing.
13:23Baldrick,
13:24believe me,
13:25eternity
13:26and the company
13:27of Beelzebub
13:27and all his
13:28hellish instruments
13:29of death
13:30will be a picnic
13:31compared to five minutes
13:32with me
13:33and this pencil.
13:36If we can't replace
13:37this dictionary.
13:39Now, come on.
13:40Oh, love,
13:41more next to see
13:42that is Mrs. McGinn's.
13:44Will thou bring me
13:44but one cup
13:45of the brownie juicings
13:47of that naughty bean
13:48we call coffee
13:49ere I die?
13:50Oh!
13:51Oh, you do have
13:52a way of words
13:53with you,
13:54Mr. Shelley.
13:55To hell with
13:55his fine-talking
13:56coffee-woman!
13:58My consumption
13:59grows ever more
14:00acute
14:00and Coleridge's
14:01drugs are wearing off.
14:03Oh, Mr. Byron,
14:04don't be such
14:05a big girl's blouse.
14:09Don't forget
14:10the pencil, Baldrick.
14:11Oh, I certainly won't, sir.
14:15Ah, good day
14:16to you, Mrs. Mickens.
14:18A cup of your best
14:19hot water
14:20with brown gris in it.
14:22Unless, of course,
14:23by some miracle
14:23your coffee shop
14:24has started selling coffee.
14:25Be quiet, sir!
14:27Can't you see
14:27we're dying?
14:29Don't you worry
14:29about my poets,
14:30Mr. Blackadder.
14:31They're not dead.
14:32They're just being
14:34intellectual.
14:35Mrs. Mickens,
14:36there's nothing intellectual
14:37about wandering around
14:38Italy in a big shirt
14:39trying to get laid.
14:40Why are they here
14:41of all places?
14:42We are here, sir,
14:43to pay homage
14:44to the great
14:44Dr. Johnson,
14:45as, sir,
14:46should you.
14:47Oh, well, absolutely.
14:48Um, I intend to.
14:50You wouldn't happen
14:51to have a copy
14:51of his dictionary
14:52on you, would you,
14:52so I can do some revising
14:54before he gets here.
14:55Friends!
14:56I am returned.
14:58Hooray!
14:59So, sir,
15:00how was the prince?
15:01The prince was
15:02and is
15:03an utter fool
15:03and his household
15:05filled with
15:05cretinous servants.
15:09Good afternoon, sir.
15:10And you
15:11are the worst
15:11of them, sir.
15:12After all your boasting,
15:13have you my dictionary
15:14and my patronage?
15:16Not quite.
15:17The prince begs
15:18just a few more hours
15:19to really get
15:19to grips with it.
15:21Bah!
15:21Bah!
15:22However,
15:23I was wondering
15:24if a lowly servant
15:25such as I
15:25might be permitted
15:26to glance at a copy.
15:28Copy?
15:28Copy?
15:29There is no copy, sir.
15:32No copy?
15:32No, sir.
15:33Making a copy
15:34is like fitting wheels
15:35to a tomato.
15:36Time-consuming
15:37and completely unnecessary.
15:40But what if
15:41the book got lost?
15:42I should not
15:42lose the book, sir.
15:43And if any other man
15:45should,
15:45I would tear off
15:46his head
15:47with my bare hands
15:48and feed it
15:49to the cat.
15:52Well,
15:52that's nice and clear.
15:54And I,
15:55Lord Byron,
15:56would summon
15:56a fifty of my men,
15:58lay siege
15:58to the pharaoh's house
15:59and do bloody
16:00murder on him.
16:02And I would not rest
16:03until the criminal
16:04was hanging by his hair
16:05with an oriental
16:06disembowelling cutlass
16:07thrust up his
16:08ignoble behind.
16:10I hope you're listening
16:11to all this boring.
16:16Sir,
16:18I have been unable
16:19to replace
16:19the dictionary.
16:20I am therefore
16:21leaving immediately
16:22for Nepal,
16:23where I intend
16:24to live as a goat.
16:27Why?
16:29Because if I stay here,
16:31Dr. Johnson's companions
16:32will have me
16:32brutally murdered, sir.
16:34Good God, Blackadder,
16:35that's terrible.
16:36Do you know
16:36any other butlers?
16:39And of course,
16:40when the people
16:40discover that you
16:41have burnt
16:41Dr. Johnson's dictionary,
16:43they may go around
16:44saying,
16:44look,
16:45there's thick George,
16:46he's got a brain
16:47the size of a weasel's
16:48wedding tackle.
16:51Well,
16:52in that case,
16:52something must be done.
16:53I have a cunning plan,
16:57Hurrah!
16:58Well,
16:58that's that then.
16:59I wouldn't get
17:00over-excited, sir.
17:02I have a hard suspicion
17:03that Baldrick's plan
17:04will be the stupidest
17:05thing we've heard
17:06since Lord Nelson's
17:08famous signal
17:09at the Battle of the Nile.
17:10England knows
17:11Lady Hamilton
17:12is a virgin.
17:14Poke my eye out
17:14and cut off my arm
17:16if I'm wrong.
17:18Oh, great!
17:19Let's hear it, then.
17:22It's brilliant.
17:24You take the string,
17:25that's still not
17:26completely burnt,
17:27you scrape off
17:28the soot
17:29and you shove
17:30the pages in again.
17:32Which pages?
17:34Well,
17:34not the same ones,
17:36of course.
17:36Yes,
17:36I think I'm on the point
17:37of spotting the floor
17:38in this plan.
17:40But do go on.
17:42Which pages are they?
17:43Well,
17:43this is the brilliant bit.
17:45You write
17:46some new ones.
17:48Some new ones.
17:49You mean
17:49rewrite the dictionary.
17:51I sit down tonight
17:52and rewrite
17:53the dictionary
17:54that took
17:54Dr. Johnson
17:55ten years.
17:56Yep.
17:57Baldrick,
17:58that is by far
17:59and away
17:59and without a shadow
18:00of doubt
18:01the worst
18:01and most contemptible
18:03plan in the history
18:04of the universe.
18:06On the other hand,
18:07I hear the sound
18:08of disembowelling
18:10catalyses
18:10being sharpened.
18:11That's the only plan
18:12we've got.
18:13So if you will
18:14excuse me,
18:14gentlemen.
18:15Perhaps you'd like me
18:16to lend a hand,
18:17Blackadder.
18:17I'm not as stupid
18:18as I look.
18:19I am stupid
18:20as I look, sir.
18:22But if I can help,
18:23I will.
18:24Well,
18:24it's very kind
18:24of you both,
18:25but I fear
18:26your services
18:26might be as useful
18:27as a barber shop
18:28on the steps
18:29of the guillotine.
18:30Come on,
18:31Blackadder.
18:31Give us a try.
18:34Very well,
18:34sir,
18:34as you wish.
18:36Let's start
18:36at the beginning,
18:37shall we?
18:37First,
18:38A.
18:38How would you
18:39define A?
18:41Oh, I love this.
18:42I love this.
18:43Quizzies.
18:44Hang on,
18:44it's coming.
18:45A.
18:46Oh, crikey.
18:47Oh, yes,
18:48I got it.
18:49What?
18:49Well,
18:51it doesn't really
18:51mean anything,
18:52does it?
18:54Good.
18:55So we're well
18:55on the way,
18:56then.
18:58A.
18:59Impersonal pronoun
19:00doesn't really
19:01mean anything.
19:03Right,
19:03next,
19:03A.
19:04A, B.
19:06A, B.
19:07Well,
19:07it's a buzzing
19:08thing,
19:08isn't it?
19:09A buzzing
19:10thing.
19:12I mean,
19:13something that
19:14starts with
19:14A, B.
19:16Honey?
19:16Honey starts
19:17with A, B.
19:19You're right,
19:20you know,
19:20Blackadder,
19:20honey does
19:21start with
19:21a B,
19:21and a flower
19:22too.
19:23Yes,
19:23look,
19:23this really
19:24isn't getting
19:24anywhere.
19:25And besides,
19:26I've left out
19:27aardvark.
19:28Oh, well,
19:28can't say we
19:29didn't give it
19:29a try.
19:29No,
19:30your highness,
19:30it was a
19:31brave stab,
19:31but I fear
19:32I must proceed
19:33on my own.
19:34Now,
19:34Baldrick,
19:34go to the
19:35kitchen and
19:35make me
19:36something quick
19:36and simple
19:37to eat,
19:37would you?
19:37Two slices
19:38of bread
19:38with something
19:39in between.
19:39What,
19:39like Gerald
19:40Lord Sandwich
19:41had the other
19:41day?
19:42Yes,
19:42a few rounds
19:43of Geralders.
19:53How goes
19:53it,
19:53Blackadder?
19:54Not all
19:55that well,
19:55sir.
19:56Well,
19:56let's have a
19:56look.
19:58Medium-sized
20:00insectivore
20:00with
20:01protruding
20:02nasal
20:02implement.
20:05Doesn't
20:05sound much
20:05like a bee
20:06to me.
20:06It's an aardvark!
20:08Can't you
20:08see that,
20:08your highness?
20:09It's a bloody
20:10aardvark!
20:11Dear,
20:12still on aardvark,
20:13are we?
20:14Yes,
20:14I'm afraid
20:14we are.
20:15And if I
20:16ever meet
20:16an aardvark,
20:17I'm gonna
20:17step on
20:18its damn
20:18protruding
20:19nasal
20:19implement
20:20until it
20:20couldn't
20:21suck up
20:21an insectivore
20:21its life depended
20:22on it.
20:23You're stuck,
20:24have you?
20:24I'm sorry,
20:25sir.
20:26It's five hours
20:27later and I've
20:27got every word
20:28in the English
20:29language except
20:30A and aardvark
20:31still to do.
20:32And I'm not
20:33very happy
20:33with my
20:34definition of
20:34idol.
20:35Well,
20:36don't panic,
20:37Blackadder,
20:37because I have
20:39some rather good
20:39news.
20:40Oh,
20:40what?
20:41Well,
20:41we didn't take
20:42no for an
20:43answer and have
20:43in fact been
20:44working all
20:44night.
20:45I've done
20:46B.
20:47Really?
20:47And how have
20:48you got on?
20:49Well,
20:49I had a bit
20:50of trouble
20:50with belching,
20:51but I think
20:52I got it
20:52sorted out
20:53in the end.
20:55Oh,
20:55no!
20:56There I go
20:56again!
21:01You've been
21:02working on
21:02that joke
21:03for some
21:03time,
21:03haven't you?
21:04Well,
21:05yes,
21:05I have,
21:05as a matter
21:06of fact,
21:06yes.
21:06Since you
21:06started,
21:07basically.
21:08So,
21:08in fact,
21:08you haven't
21:08done any
21:09work at all?
21:09Not as
21:10such,
21:10no.
21:11Great.
21:12Baldrick,
21:13what have
21:14you done?
21:14I've done
21:15C and D.
21:16Right,
21:16let's have
21:17it then.
21:17Right.
21:18Big blue
21:20wobbly
21:20thing
21:20that
21:21mermaids
21:22live in.
21:25C.
21:28Yes.
21:30Tiny
21:31misunderstanding,
21:32still.
21:33My hopes
21:34weren't high.
21:35No,
21:35and what
21:35about D?
21:36I'm quite
21:37pleased with
21:37dog.
21:38Yes,
21:38and your
21:38definition
21:38of dog
21:39is?
21:40Not
21:40a cat.
21:45Excellent.
21:48Excellent.
21:49Your
21:49highness,
21:50may I have
21:50a word?
21:51Certainly.
21:52As you
21:52know,
21:52sir,
21:53it has
21:53always been
21:53my intention
21:54to stay
21:54with you
21:54until you
21:55had a
21:55strapping
21:56son,
21:56and I
21:57one likewise,
21:57to take
21:58over the
21:58burdens of
21:59my duties.
21:59That's right,
21:59Blackadder,
22:00and I thank
22:00you for it.
22:01But I'm
22:01afraid,
22:01sir,
22:01that there's
22:02been a
22:02change of
22:02plan.
22:03I'm off to
22:04the kitchen
22:04to hack
22:05my head
22:05off with
22:05a big knife.
22:07Oh,
22:07come on,
22:08Blackadder.
22:09It's only a
22:10book.
22:11Let's just
22:11damn the
22:12fellow's eyes,
22:13strip the
22:13britches from
22:14his backside,
22:15and warn
22:15his heels to
22:16Putney Bridge.
22:17Hurrah!
22:18Sir,
22:19these are not
22:19the days of
22:20Alfred the Great.
22:20You can't just
22:21lop someone's
22:22head off and
22:22blame it on
22:23the Vikings.
22:24Can't I,
22:24by God?
22:25No.
22:26Oh,
22:27well,
22:27all right,
22:27then,
22:27let's just get
22:28on with it.
22:28I mean,
22:29boil my brains.
22:30It's only a
22:30dictionary.
22:31No one's
22:32asked us to
22:32eat ten raw
22:33pigs for
22:34breakfast.
22:35Good Lord,
22:35I mean,
22:36we're British,
22:36aren't we?
22:38You're not,
22:39you're German.
22:41Get me some
22:42coffee,
22:42Bordy.
22:43If I fall asleep
22:44before Monday,
22:45we're doomed.
22:49Mr. Blackadder,
22:50time to wake up.
22:52What time is it?
22:53Monday morning.
22:55Monday morning?
22:56Oh,
22:56my God,
22:56I've overslept.
22:58Where's the
22:58quill?
22:58Where's the
22:59parchment?
22:59I don't know.
23:00Maybe Dr.
23:01Johnson's got
23:01some with him.
23:02What?
23:02He's outside.
23:04Ow!
23:05I will,
23:05sir.
23:06No,
23:06you can't have
23:07it.
23:07I know I said
23:08Monday,
23:08but I want
23:09Baldrick to
23:09read it,
23:10which,
23:10unfortunately,
23:11will mean
23:11teaching him
23:12to read,
23:13which will
23:14take about
23:14ten years.
23:15But time
23:15well spent,
23:16I think,
23:16because it's
23:17such a very
23:17good dictionary.
23:18I don't
23:18think so.
23:19Oh,
23:19God,
23:19we've been
23:20burgled!
23:23I think
23:23it's an
23:24awful dictionary,
23:24full of feeble
23:25definitions and
23:26ridiculous verbiage.
23:27I've come to
23:28ask you to
23:28chuck that
23:29damn thing
23:30in the fire.
23:30Are you sure?
23:31I've never been
23:32more sure of
23:33anything in my
23:33life, sir.
23:34I love you,
23:35Dr. Johnson,
23:35and I want
23:36to have your
23:37babies.
23:41Sorry,
23:42excuse me,
23:42Dr. Johnson,
23:43but my
23:43Auntie Marjorie
23:44has just
23:44arrived.
23:46Baldrick,
23:46who gave you
23:47permission to
23:47turn into an
23:48Alsatian?
23:50Oh,
23:50God,
23:51it's a dream,
23:52isn't it?
23:52It's a
23:53bloody dream.
23:56Dr. Johnson
23:57doesn't want
23:57to slip
23:57Burley's
23:58dictionary
23:58at all.
24:05Mr. Black
24:06Adder,
24:07trying to
24:07wake up.
24:09Monday
24:10morning.
24:11Monday
24:11morning?
24:11Oh,
24:12my God,
24:12I've
24:12overslept.
24:13Where's
24:14the quill?
24:14Where's
24:14the parchment?
24:15I don't
24:15know,
24:16maybe Dr.
24:16Johnson's
24:17got some
24:17with him.
24:18What?
24:18He's
24:18outside.
24:20No,
24:21hang on.
24:21Hang on.
24:22If we
24:23go on like
24:23this,
24:23you're
24:24going
24:24to
24:24turn
24:24into
24:24an
24:24Alsatian
24:25again.
24:27Oh,
24:27my God.
24:29Quick,
24:29Baldrick,
24:30we've
24:30got to
24:30escape.
24:31Oh,
24:31sir,
24:31bring out
24:31the dictionary
24:32at once.
24:33Bring it
24:33out,
24:33sir,
24:34in my
24:34passion.
24:34I
24:35shall
24:35kill
24:35everyone
24:35by
24:36giving
24:36them
24:36syphilis.
24:37Bring
24:37it
24:37out,
24:38sir.
24:38And
24:38also
24:38any
24:39opium
24:39plants
24:40you
24:40may
24:40have
24:40around
24:40there.
24:41Bring
24:41it
24:41out,
24:42sir,
24:42we shall
24:42break
24:43down
24:43the
24:43door.
24:44Hi,
24:44good
24:45morning.
24:45Dr.
24:45Johnson,
24:46Lord
24:46Where is my
24:47dictionary?
24:48And what
24:48dictionary
24:49would this
24:49be?
24:50The one
24:50that has
24:50taken 18
24:51hours of
24:51every day
24:52for the
24:52last 10
24:53years.
24:54My mother
24:54died,
24:55I hardly
24:55noticed.
24:56My father
24:56cut off his
24:57head and
24:57fried it in
24:58garlic in
24:58the hope of
24:58attracting
24:59my attention.
25:00I scarcely
25:00looked up
25:01from my
25:01work.
25:01My wife
25:02brought
25:02armies of
25:03lovers to
25:04the house
25:04who worked
25:05in droves
25:05so that she
25:06might bring
25:06up a huge
25:07family of
25:07bastards.
25:08I cannot.
25:10Am I to
25:11presume that
25:11my elaborate
25:12bluff has
25:13not worked?
25:13Dictionary!
25:14Right,
25:15well,
25:15the truth
25:16is,
25:16doctor,
25:16now,
25:17don't get
25:17cross,
25:17don't overreact,
25:18the truth
25:18is,
25:19we burnt
25:20it.
25:20Then you
25:21die!
25:23Morning,
25:23everyone.
25:24You know,
25:25this dictionary
25:25really is a
25:26cracking good
25:27read.
25:28It's an
25:28absolutely
25:29splendid job.
25:30My
25:30dictionary?
25:31But you
25:32said you
25:32burnt it.
25:33I think
25:34it's a
25:34splendid book
25:35and I
25:35look forward
25:36to patronising
25:36it enormously.
25:37Oh,
25:38well,
25:38thank you,
25:39sir.
25:39Well,
25:39I think I'm
25:40man enough
25:40to sacrifice
25:41the pleasure
25:41of killing
25:42to maintain
25:42the general
25:43good humour.
25:44There's to be
25:45no murder
25:45today.
25:46But prepare
25:47to Mrs.
25:48Miggett's.
25:48I shall
25:49join you there
25:49later for a
25:50roister you
25:50will never
25:51forget.
25:53So,
25:54tell me,
25:55sir,
25:55what words
25:56particularly
25:56interested you?
25:58Oh,
25:59nothing.
25:59Anything,
26:00really.
26:00I see you
26:01underlined a few.
26:04Bloomers,
26:04bottom,
26:06burp,
26:09fart,
26:09fiddle,
26:10fornicate?
26:10Well,
26:11sir,
26:11I hope you
26:11are not
26:12using the
26:12first English
26:13dictionary to
26:14look up rude
26:14words.
26:15I wouldn't
26:16be too
26:16hopeful.
26:17That's what
26:17all the other
26:17ones will be
26:18used for.
26:19Sir,
26:20can I look up
26:21turnip?
26:22Turnip isn't a
26:22rude word,
26:23Baldrick.
26:23It is if you
26:24sit on one.
26:26Anyway,
26:27sir,
26:27do we have
26:27more important
26:28business in
26:28hand?
26:29I refer,
26:30of course,
26:30to the works
26:31of the
26:31mysterious
26:32Gertrude
26:33Perkins.
26:34Mysterious?
26:34No more,
26:35sir.
26:35It is time
26:36for the
26:36truth.
26:37I can at
26:37last reveal
26:38the identity
26:39of the
26:39great
26:40Gertrude
26:40Perkins.
26:41Sir,
26:41who is
26:42she?
26:42She,
26:43is me,
26:44sir.
26:44I am
26:45Gertrude
26:46Perkins.
26:46Good
26:46Lord!
26:47And what's
26:48more,
26:48I can
26:48prove it.
26:49Bring out
26:49the manuscript
26:50and I will
26:50show you
26:51that my
26:51signature
26:52corresponds
26:52exactly with
26:53that on
26:54the front.
26:55Why,
26:55I must have
26:56left it here
26:56when I left
26:56the dictionary.
26:57This is
26:58terribly
26:58exciting.
27:00That's my
27:01novel.
27:02Your novel?
27:02Yes,
27:03Baldrick,
27:03the big
27:03papery thing
27:04tied up
27:04with string.
27:05What,
27:06like the
27:06thing we
27:06burnt?
27:07Exactly
27:08like the
27:08thing we
27:08burnt.
27:09So,
27:09you're
27:10asking for
27:10the big
27:11papery thing
27:11tied up
27:12with string
27:12exactly
27:13like the
27:14thing we
27:14burnt?
27:15Exactly.
27:16We
27:17burnt it.
27:19So,
27:20we did.
27:21Thank you,
27:22Baldrick.
27:23Seven years
27:23of my life
27:24have been
27:24smoking.
27:26Your
27:27moment.
27:27By all
27:28means.
27:32Oh,
27:33God,
27:34no!
27:36Thank you,
27:37sir.
27:37Burnt,
27:38you say?
27:38That's
27:39most
27:39inconvenient.
27:40A
27:40burnt
27:41novel is
27:41like a
27:42burnt
27:42dog.
27:42Oh,
27:43shut up!
27:44Sir,
27:46I have
27:47a novel.
27:50Once upon
27:51a time,
27:51there was
27:52a lovely
27:52little sausage
27:53called
27:54Sausage?
27:56Sausage!
27:57Blast
27:58your
27:58eyes!
28:00Oh,
28:02I didn't
28:02think it
28:02was that
28:03bad.
28:03I think
28:04you'll find
28:04he left
28:05sausage out
28:06of his
28:06diction.
28:09Oh,
28:10and
28:11aardvark.
28:12Oh,
28:13come on,
28:13Blackadder,
28:14it's not all
28:14that bad.
28:15Nothing a
28:16nice roaring
28:16fire can't
28:17solve.
28:18Baldrick,
28:18do the
28:18honours,
28:19will you?
28:19Certainly,
28:19your majesty.
28:20Oh,
28:21oh.
28:23hallo,
28:24hplicit.
28:25holloo.
28:28.
28:36Hallo,
28:38holloo,
28:39hallo,
28:41has
28:41hallo,
28:42hallo,
28:44hallo,
28:45hallo.
28:49Hallo,
28:51Adder
28:52Oh oh oh no no
29:03Adder
29:05Black Adder
29:08Black
29:12Adder
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