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00:01First Dance Center!
00:04Trick Start!
00:17Quiet Strike!
00:26Quiet Strike!
00:41you'd like to book a table for three by the window for 9 30 p.m. not too near the
00:47band
00:48in the name of Oberleutnant von Gentschler yes yes I think you might have the wrong number
00:58that's all right another cross line is that phone system is a shambles no wonder we haven't had any
01:04orders on the country George we've had plenty of orders we've had orders for six meters of
01:09Hungarian crushed velvet curtain material for rock salmon and a half of chips and a cab for a
01:16mr. redgrave picking up from 14 arnos grove ring top bell we don't want those sort of orders we want
01:25orders to death or glory what are we going to give Fritz a taste of our British spunk no one
01:33is
01:33more anxious to advance than I am but until they get these communication problems sorted out I'm
01:37afraid we're stuck Captain Blackadder speaking no I'm afraid the lines very hello hello Captain Blackadder
01:56I said there's a terrible line at my end you're to advance on the enemy at once
02:31damn message from HQ sir
02:34ah now this will be it a telegram ordering in advance hmm yes I'm afraid not George it is a
02:39telegram it is ordering in advance but it seems to be addressed to someone called
02:42cat pain blackadder do you know a cat pain blackadder George well it rings a bell but no no me
02:51neither
02:51oh well go away George I'm sure if they want to contact us they'll find a way pigeon sir pigeon
02:57is a
02:58pigeon in our trench oh now this will be it yes it's one of the king's carrier pigeons no it
03:05isn't that
03:06pigeon couldn't carry the king hasn't got a tray or anything lieutenant revolver please oh now sir you
03:14really shouldn't do this you know come on George with 50,000 men getting killed a week who's going
03:18going to miss a pigeon oh not you obviously sir in any case it's scarcely a court-martial offence get
03:31plucking bulrick all right sir look it's got a little ring around its leg there's a novelty oh really is
03:38there a paper hat as well no but there's a joke read it out sir it's a bit charred it's
03:46a something
03:46something at once PS due to communication crisis the shooting of carrier pigeons is now a court-martial
03:53offense let's see what's funny about that sir it's not funny it's deadly serious we're in trouble
04:01so I shall eat the evidence for lunch and if anyone asks you any questions at all we didn't receive
04:08any
04:09messages and we definitely did not shoot this delicious plump-breasted pigeon
04:21and why captain are you not advancing across no man's land well sir called me a bluff old
04:27traditionalist but I was always taught to wait for the order to attack before attacking you tried to
04:31tell me you haven't received any orders what the hell are you playing at darling that's a blatant lie
04:37sir I spoke to blackadder less than an hour ago yes you did to tell me some gobbledygook about having
04:42a lion up your bottom as I thought it's the old communications problem again stand easy action on
04:49this is imperative take that down darling yes also make a note of the word gobbledygook I like it I
04:56want
04:56to use it more often in conversation I must say sir I find this all very unlikely not only did
05:02I
05:02telephone blackadder but as you'll recall we sent him a telegram and a carrier pigeon did you are you
05:09telling us you haven't had a pigeon blackadder come on man you must have done I sent our top bird
05:18speckled Jim my own true love who's been with me since I was a nipper business I'm giving you your
05:26order to
05:27advance now synchronized watches gentlemen private what is the time we didn't receive any messages and
05:34captain blackadder definitely did not shoot this delicious plump-breasted pibbeen sauce
05:41what you want to be cremated more record buried at sea
05:49do you mind answering a couple of questions not at all sir we didn't get any messages
05:54captain blackadder definitely did not shoot this delicious plump-breasted pigeon
06:00and look sir pigeon feathers white feathers very apt a blackadder white feathers oh no sir that's
06:09gobble the Duke they're not white they're sort of speckly speckly you shot my speckled Jim you're
06:20for it now blackadder quite frankly sir I've suspected this for some time quite clearly captain blackadder
06:25has been disobeying orders with a breathtaking impertinence I don't care if he's been
06:30rogering the Duke of York with a prize-winning leak he shot my pigeon I think we should do this
06:40by the
06:40book sir yes yes you're right of course I'm I'm sorry
06:48captain blackadder as of this moment you may consider yourself under arrest you know what
06:54the penalty is for disobeying orders blackadder um court-martial followed by immediate cessation of
07:00chocolate rations no court-martial followed by immediate death by firing squad oh so I got it
07:08half right all settled in and happy hour with answer bring all our last goodbyes oh no need for that
07:17Perkins I've just dashed off a couple of notes one asking for a sponge bag and the other sending for
07:22my lawyer oh yeah lawyer yes sir now don't you think that might be a bit of a waste of
07:27money sir
07:28not when he's the finest mind in English legal history ever heard of Bob Massing Bird oh yes
07:34indeed sir a most gifted gentleman quite I remember Massing Bird's most famous case the case of the
07:40bloody knife a man was found next to a murdered body he had the knife in his hand 13 witnesses
07:46had
07:46seen him stab the victim when the police arrived he said I'm glad I killed the bastard
07:52Matt Massing Bird not only got him off he got him knighted in the New Year's honours list and the
07:58relatives of the victim had to pay to have the blood washed out of his jacket there is a dad
08:02bandit the
08:02prosecution as well sir yes well look at Oscar Wilde old butch Oscar a big bearded bonking butch Oscar
08:10the terror of the ladies 114 illegitimate children world heavyweight boxing champion and author of the
08:17best-selling pamphlet why I like to do it with girls and Massing Bird had him sent down for being
08:23a whoopsie
08:28ah Balric anything from Massing Bird yet yes sir just arrived sir what is it a sponge bag sir a
08:37sponge bag yes sir Balric I gave you two notes you sent the note asking for a sponge bag to
08:45the finest mind
08:46in English legal history certainly did sir and you sent the note requesting legal representation to
08:53well tally-ho with a bing at the bar for the buzz buzz buzz
08:57oh god I say first of all sir that I am deeply deeply honoured Balric I'll deal with you later
09:04do I understand that you were going to represent me at the court-martial absolutely sir well it's a sort
09:09of family
09:09tradition really my uncle's a lawyer you know your uncle's a lawyer but you're not oh good lord no
09:14I'm an absolute duffer at this sort of thing in the school debating society I was voted the boy
09:20least likely to complete a coherent um sentence that's it yes yes but anyway my dear old friend
09:29it's an honour to serve George I'm in deep trouble here I need to construct a case that's as watertight
09:35as the mermaid's brassiere I'm not sure your particular brand of mindless optimism is going
09:40to contribute much to the proceedings well that's a shame sir because I was planning on playing the
09:44mindless optimism card pretty strongly during the time I beg your pardon yes I've already planned my
09:49closing address based on that very theme oh go on let him off your honour please well it's a lovely
09:55day
09:55pretty clouds trees birds etc I rest my case so council with that summing up in mind what do you
10:03think my
10:03chances are well not all that good I'm afraid as far as I can tell you're as guilty as a
10:07puppy sitting
10:08next to a pile of poo
10:15right he's so sorry I'm late my love but anyway let me open my defense straight away by saying that
10:22I've known this man for three years he's an absolutely caulking chap George yes sir that's
10:28the clerk of the court who's it oh we haven't started yet
10:36good luck blackadder well thank you darling
10:41and what's your big job here today straightening chairs
10:46no in fact I'm appearing for the prosecution I wouldn't raise your hopes too much you're guilty
10:50as hell you haven't got a chance why thank you darling and I hope your mother dies in a freak
10:56yachting accident
10:59just doing my job blackadder obeying orders and of course having enormous fun into the bargain
11:06I wouldn't be too confident if I were you any reasonably impartial judge is bound to let me off
11:12well absolutely who is the judge by the way I'm dead
11:19come on then come on give us only five minutes we can have a spot at lunch
11:24right oh the court is now in session general sir anthony sisal hogman a melchit in the chair
11:32the case before us is that of the crown versus captain edmund blackadder the flanders pigeon murderer
11:41oh um clerk have me the black cap shall we i'll be i'll be needing that
11:46i love a fair trial anything to say before we kick off captain darling may it please the court as
11:53this
11:53is clearly an open and shut case i beg leave to bring a private prosecution against the defense
11:58council for wasting the court's time granted the defense council is fined 50 pounds for turning up
12:04this is fun this is just like a real thought right let the trial begin the charge before us is
12:11that
12:11the flanders pigeon murderer did deliberately callously and with beastliness of forethought murder a lovely
12:21innocent pigeon and disobeyed some orders as well is this true perfectly true sir i was there
12:33thanks george damn damn it right council for the defense get on with it oh right yes yes right
12:40um yes i'd like to call my first witness captain darling you wish to call the council for the
12:48prosecution as a defense witness that's right don't worry sir i've got it all under control
12:55you are captain darling of the general staff i am
13:01captain leaving aside the incident in question would you think of captain blackadder as the sort
13:06of man who would usually ignore orders yes i would ah um are you sure i i was rather banking
13:16on you saying
13:17no then i'm sure in fact i have a list of other orders he's disobeyed if it would be useful
13:26may the 16th 9 15 a.m 10 23 a.m 10 24 a.m 11 17 a.m you
13:34missed one out there 10 30 a.m
13:3611 46 a.m george oh yeah yes yes thank you captain no further questions
13:43well done george you really had him on the ropes don't worry old man i have a last and i
13:49think
13:49you'll find decisive witness call private baldrick
13:57deny everything baldrick
14:03are you private baldrick no
14:10um but you are captain blackadder's batman no
14:17come on baldrick be a bit more helpful it's me no he isn't
14:21sir i must protest quite right we don't need your kind here private get out
14:26uh george some up right yes
14:28all right
14:32uh gentlemen you have heard all the evidence presented before you today but in the end it is
14:39up to the conscience of your hearts to decide and i firmly believe that like me you will conclude that
14:43captain blackadder is in fact totally and utterly guilty
14:55of nothing more
14:59than trying to do his duty under difficult circumstances nonsense he's a hound and a rotter
15:04and he's going to be shot however before we proceed to the formality of sentencing the deceased
15:09i mean the defense
15:15i think we'd all rather enjoy hearing the case for the prosecution captain darling if you please
15:19sir my case is very simple i call my first witness
15:24general sir anthony cecil hogman a merchant
15:29clever clever
15:33general did you own a lovely plump speckley pigeon
15:40called speckled jim which you hand reared from a chick and which was your only childhood friend
15:46yes i did and did captain blackadder shoot the aforementioned pigeon yes he did
15:52can you see captain blackadder anywhere in this courtroom that's him that's him that's the man
15:58ah no more questions i
16:00many excellent first class
16:02come on
16:05i therefore
16:06have absolutely no hesitation
16:09in announcing that the sentence of this court is
16:13that you captain edmund blackadder be taken from this place and suffer death by shooting tomorrow
16:18at dawn
16:20do you have anything to say
16:23yes could i have an alarm call please
16:28happy to see you captain
16:30what does he look like sure juggling hello ball rick
16:36i'll pour you some food sir for your final breakfast tomorrow
16:40ah so you're not pinning much hope on a last minute reprieve though
16:44no sir you are as dead as some doo-doos
16:48the expression balderick is as a doo-doo
16:50dead as a doo-doo well i'll leave you to it then shall i
16:57do not despair sir all my talk of food was just a dead herring
17:03in fact i have a cunning plan this is not food but an escape kit
17:09good lord with a saw a hammer a chisel a gun a change of clothes a swiss passport and a
17:16huge false
17:17mustache i may just stand a chance
17:19ah
17:21let's see what have we here
17:23a small painted wooden duck
17:26yes i thought if you get caught near water you can balance it on the top of your head as
17:31a brilliant disguise
17:35yes i would of course have to escape first
17:38ah but what's this unless i'm much mistaken a hammer and a chisel you are much mistaken
17:44a pencil and a miniature trumpet
17:48yes a pencil so you can drop me a postcard to tell me how the breakout went
17:53and a small little tiny miniature trumpet in case during your escape you have to win
17:58favor with a difficult child
18:02i don't want to spend my last precious hours rummaging through this feeble collection of stocking
18:07fillers let me just ask you some simple questions is there a saw in this bag no a hammer no
18:14a chisel
18:14no a gun no a false passport no a change of clothes yes sir of course i won't forget a
18:22change of clothes
18:23ah well that's something let's see
18:29a robin hood costume
18:31yeah i put in a french peasant's outfit first but then i thought
18:36what if you arrive in a french peasant's village and they're in the middle of a fancy dress party
18:41what if i arrive in a french peasant village dressed in a robin hood costume and there isn't a fancy
18:47dress
18:47well to be quite frank so i didn't consider that eventuality
18:51because if you did you'd stick out like a like a man standing in a lake with a small painted
18:57wooden duck on his head
19:00excuse me sir all right um thank you balrick we'll finish this picnic later yum yum
19:10do you mind if i disturb you for a moment sir no no not at all my diary is pretty
19:14empty this week
19:15let's see thursday morning get shot yes that's about it actually
19:22it's just there's a few chaps out here would like a bit of a chinwag oh lovely always keen to
19:25be new
19:26people corporal jones and privates fraser robinson and tipple well nice of you to drop by
19:39and what do you do
19:43we're your firing squad sir
19:49of course you are good size chest shut up lad sir you see those firing squads are a bit like
19:54tax
19:55men sir everyone hates us but we're just doing our job aren't we ladies my heart bleeds for you
20:00well sir we aim to please
20:05just a little firing squad joke here sir
20:10you see sir we take pride in the terminatory service we supply
20:15so is there any particular area you'd like us to go for
20:18we can aim anywhere well in that case just above my head might be a good spot
20:24you see you see a laugh and a smile and all of a sudden the job doesn't seem quite so
20:30bad after
20:30all did it it's a lovely roomy foreign yeah good pulsing jugular there as well look i'm sorry i know
20:36you mean to be friendly but i hope you won't take it amiss if i ask you to sod off
20:40and die
20:42no no no no no no fair enough of course not sir no one likes being shot first thing in
20:46the morning
20:47do they of course no no no so uh look forward to seeing you tomorrow sir
20:51uh you'll have a blindfold on of course but uh you'll recognize me i'm the one that says ready aim
20:56fire
20:58can i ask you to leave a pause between the word aim and the word fire 30 or 40 years
21:06oh i wish i could pause i really wish i could but i can't you see because i'm a gabler
21:11me you see
21:27perfect i wonder if anything on earth could depress me more excuse me sir
21:33of course it could i forgot to give you this letter from lieutenant george sir
21:37ah oh joy what wise words from the world's greatest defense council dear mother
21:46unusual start thanks for the case of scotch you've excelled yourself baldrick you brought the wrong
21:52letter again cool yeah he did write too yes his mother's about to get a note telling her he's
21:58sorry she's going to be shot in the morning while i have to read this drivel hope celia thrives in
22:05the
22:05pony club trials and that little freddie scores a century for the first eleven you can't deny it's
22:10a riveting read uh send my love to uncle rupert who'd have thought it mad uncle rupert minister of war
22:17with power of life and death over every bally soldier in the army hang on a minute this is it
22:25all george has to do is send him a telegram and he'll get me off baldrick i love you i
22:32want to kiss
22:32your cherry lips and nibble your shell like ears i'm free
22:42i'm useless useless sir sir oh hello private how's the captain he's absolutely fine sir but
22:48you're just trying to cheer me up i know the truth he hates me because i completely arsed up his
22:53defense
22:54yes i know because i'm thick you see i'm as thick as the big print version of the complete works
22:59of
22:59charles dickens if only i could have saved him if only but you can sir what how you send a
23:07telegram
23:08of course i send a telegram yeah who to to the person in the letter what letter to your mother
23:16i said a telegram to my mother no no you send a telegram in the person in the letter to
23:20your mother
23:21well who was in the letter to my mother i can't remember well think think no you think think
23:25well i am celia of course the pony club trials yes celia could leap over the walls of the prison
23:31and
23:31save him no no no no no um cricket yes i've got cousin freddy of course he could knock out
23:38the firing
23:39squad with his cricket bat no someone else well who i don't know neither do i what you think
23:44do you think i'm stuck i'm stuck no it hasn't helped yes it has sir you're uncle rupert who's
23:54just been made minister of war of course uncle rupert's just been made the minister of war
23:58baldrick i'll i'll send him a telegram and he'll he'll pull strings and scratch backs and fiddle with
24:04knobs and get the captain off hooray well we got there in the end eh baldwick oh just about sir
24:11oh
24:11i think it's called for a celebration don't you what about a tot of old moorhen's shredded sporran
24:16which mums is just something i think a toast don't you to captain blackadder and freedom captain
24:23blackadder and freedom sir morning morning morning i must say captain i've got to admire your balls
24:36perhaps later
24:39so boys how are you doing very well thank you captain
24:43robinson good to see you good to see you too sir now corporal how's the voice excellent sir
24:53so the phone's on the hook isn't it perkins oh yes splendid so where do you want me well up
25:00against the wall is traditional sir of course this side or the other side
25:06uh no messengers waiting perkins oh i'm afraid not sir fair enough fair enough all right let's line up
25:17yes uh now look i think there might have been a bit of a misunderstanding here you see i was
25:22expecting a
25:23telegram uh quite an important one actually i think that's what they call the nick of time
25:31of course it is read it please uh here's looking at you love from all the boys in the firing
25:38squad
25:41you soft bastard you i saw a car i couldn't resist it
25:48how thoughtful attention now look something has gone spectacularly badly wrong there you go
25:54baldrick your mincemeat oh my head oh my head
26:02feels like the time i was initiated into the silly bugger society at cambridge
26:07i misheard the rules and pushed a whole aubergine into my ear hole
26:12permission to die sir oh what what started us drinking oh yes well we were celebrating getting
26:19captain blackhatter off scott free oh my sainted trousers we forgot oh whoops oh no he's now
26:28he's dead you see he's dead dead dead because we're a a pair of selfish so-and-so oh god
26:34if
26:34i had a rope i'd put it around my neck and belly well hang myself until it really hurt
26:40my god morning boring still the striking resemblance to guppy fish at feeding time
26:47it arrived in the nick of time oh excellent
26:53ah so you've got the scotch out anyway oh well of course yes we wanted to lay on a bit
26:58of a bash for
26:59your safe return uh there you go there was a second telegram arrived actually george addressed to you
27:07personally from your uncle oh thank you i george my boy outraged to read in dispatches of how that
27:15ass melch you'd made such a pig's ear of your chum black address court martial i've reversed the
27:20decision forthwith surprised you didn't ask me to do it yourself actually
27:28now this is interesting isn't it yes well you see sir uh the thing is you two got a wham
27:33last night
27:34didn't you well no no wham exactly a little tiddly perhaps um and you forgot the telegram to your uncle
27:40no well no no no no not not completely i mean uh partially um well yes yes entirely yes i
27:47think
27:48i can explain sir can you baldrick no as i suspected now i'm not a religious man as you know
27:58but henceforth
27:59i shall nightly pray to the god that killed cain and squashed samson that he comes out of retirement
28:05and gets back into practice on the pair of you captain blackadder ah captain darling well you know
28:13some of us just have friends in high places i suppose yes i can hear you perfectly you want what
28:20you want
28:21two volunteers for a mission into no man's land code name operation certain death yes yes i think i have
28:31just the fellows god is very quick these days
28:39so
28:48so
28:50so
28:50so
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