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00:07In 1648, King Charles was in flight from the wrath of Cromwell and his roundheads.
00:11Only two men remained faithful, risking certain death by their fidelity to the crown.
00:16One was the sole descendant of a great historical English dynasty, his name Sir Edmund Blackadder.
00:22The other was the sole descendant of an unfortunate meeting between a pig farmer and a bearded lady.
00:27History has outrightly forgotten his name.
00:33More brick!
00:35Yes, sir.
00:36Get me some mulled ale, will you? I'm freezing.
00:39How's the king, sir?
00:41How about as comfortable as can be expected for a man who's spending the winter in a black currant bush?
00:48Do you think the roundheads will find him?
00:50Certainly not.
00:51I've assured him that he is as likely to be caught as a fox being chased by a pack of
00:55one-legged hunting tortoises.
00:59Is that true?
01:00Yes, of course it's true.
01:02Have you ever known me to lie to the king?
01:04Yes.
01:06No.
01:07Exactly.
01:09He's absolutely safe, as long as you keep your fat mouth shut.
01:13You can trust me, sir.
01:17Right, Balric, I'm off to answer the call of nature.
01:20If by any freak chance Oliver Cromwell drops in here for a cup of milk in the next 90 seconds,
01:26remember, the king is not hiding here.
01:30Yes, sir.
01:33Green sleeves is...
01:35Good evening, citizen.
01:38I am Oliver Cromwell.
01:41My men have surrounded your house,
01:43and I am looking for royalist scum.
01:46Is the king hiding here?
01:52Um...
01:59No.
02:02And pain of death and damnation.
02:05Are you absolutely sure?
02:07Yes, I am.
02:10I see.
02:12Well then, my proud beauty,
02:16you wouldn't mind if my men come in from the cold, will you?
02:20Men, come in from the cold, will you?
02:24Now, we shall all have a cup of milk by your fireside.
02:28All right, but don't touch the purple cup.
02:30Why not?
02:31That's the king's.
02:40Thank you, citizen.
02:41You may leave me alone with King Charles.
02:44Ah, Mr. Cromwell, how delightful to see you again.
02:47Do you get up?
02:48Do you get up?
02:49Tell me, um, have you come far?
02:51I have, sir.
02:53From country squire to lord protector of England.
02:56Fascinating.
02:57Absolutely fascinating.
02:58Um, tell me, uh, what exactly does a lord protector do?
03:03He spells your doom, sir.
03:06He spells my doom?
03:07Wonderful.
03:08Well, that's particularly exciting,
03:09because so many people these days can't spell at all.
03:12Um, particularly, as you know, in the inner cities,
03:14which is my area of interest.
03:16I'm truly speak, sir,
03:18but all your fine words won't save you from the scaffold.
03:21Truly good.
03:22Fascinating.
03:23Curious.
03:24A priest, sir,
03:25to help you make your peace with God before you die.
03:30Oh, hello.
03:33You might have seen.
03:34I can arrange for certain monies to be paid to allow you to escape.
03:37Blackadder, you're dressed as a priest.
03:39How dangerous and stupid and perverted.
03:43It's just like school.
03:45Sire, this is a matter of life and death.
03:48Nonsense, Blackadder.
03:49I don't think there's a jury in England
03:51that would bring in a verdict of guilty against me.
03:53Your Majesty, the verdict of the jury.
03:56So, what does it say?
03:58Guilty or not guilty?
04:00I'll give you two guesses.
04:03Not guilty.
04:05One more guess.
04:11Oh, damn.
04:14One measly civil war in the entire history of England
04:17and I'm on the wrong bloody side.
04:21Is something wrong, sir?
04:23Yes, Baldrick, yes, sir, is.
04:25Don't you realise if the king dies,
04:26we royalists are doomed?
04:28We will enter a hideous age of puritanism.
04:31They'll close all the theatres,
04:33lace handkerchiefs for men will be illegal
04:36and I will be able to find a friendly face
04:38to sit on this side of Boulogne.
04:42If they so much as suspect our loyalties,
04:45our property will be forfeit
04:46and we'll be for the chop.
04:48Oh, I love chops.
04:51Baldrick, your brain
04:54is like the four-headed, man-eating
04:57haddock fish beast of Aberdeen.
05:00In what way?
05:01It doesn't exist.
05:04Oh, God.
05:06What are we going to do?
05:07Don't despair, sir.
05:08Something will pop up.
05:09Not under puritanism, it won't.
05:12We must do something.
05:15We must do something,
05:17otherwise the black adders are as doomed as that ant.
05:20What ant?
05:23That one.
05:25So this is the day of the execution of Charles the First?
05:30Absolutely not, your majesty.
05:32Those round-head traitors have one final hurdle
05:35that they will never straddle.
05:37How fascinating.
05:38What is that exactly?
05:39They will never find a man to behead you.
05:42They'd have hundreds of volunteers
05:43to cut Cromwell's head off.
05:44He's such an ugly devil.
05:46He's got so many warts on his face,
05:48it's only when he sneezes
05:49that you find out which one is his nose.
05:53But they will never find a man to execute you.
05:55Well, you see,
05:56I find that absolutely tragic.
05:58You know,
05:59there are so many young people
06:00who would leap at a chance like that.
06:03You know,
06:04all they need is initiative somehow.
06:06I suppose, in a sense,
06:08that's what my award scheme is all about.
06:11Really?
06:11Yes.
06:12On the other hand,
06:12of course,
06:13I don't want my head cut off.
06:15It's a question of balance, isn't it?
06:17Like so many things.
06:17Shut up with the greatest respect, your mate.
06:20They will never find an executioner.
06:22And if they do,
06:23may my conjugal dipstick
06:25turn into a tennis racket.
06:28A message for the king.
06:30Oh, thank you.
06:34Ah.
06:41There is a dragon in the tail.
06:44In the middle!
06:45For God's sake,
06:45stop that, Baldrick.
06:48It's bad enough having one's life
06:49in us at ruins
06:50without being serenaded
06:51by a moron
06:52with all the entertainment value
06:54of a tap-dancing oyster.
06:57I'm sorry, sir.
06:58I can't help it.
06:59See,
06:59I've just had a little windfall.
07:02Baldrick,
07:02I've told you before,
07:03if you're going to do that,
07:03go into the garden.
07:06I mean,
07:07I've come into some money.
07:09Really?
07:09Family inheritance?
07:11No,
07:11I ate that ages ago.
07:14Yes, of course.
07:15Your thoughtful father
07:16bequeathed you a turnip.
07:19No,
07:19it was 50 pounds, actually.
07:20It was delicious.
07:21But this is just
07:22a little something
07:23that fell in my lap.
07:24Not the first time
07:25that there's been
07:26a little something
07:27in your lap,
07:27Baldrick.
07:28No,
07:29but this one
07:30is a job.
07:31Well,
07:31I just don't understand it.
07:34Where on earth
07:34did they find a man
07:35so utterly without heart
07:37and soul,
07:38so low and degraded,
07:40as to accept the job
07:41of beheading
07:42the King of England?
07:49Baldrick?
07:52That little job
07:53that fell into your lap.
07:56It wasn't by any chance
07:57something to do
07:58with an axe,
07:59a basket,
07:59a little black mask
08:00and the King of England.
08:02Nah.
08:03Go on.
08:04I couldn't find a basket.
08:06You very small,
08:07total bastard.
08:09Oh,
08:09please, sir,
08:10don't kill me.
08:11I have a cunning plan
08:12to save the King.
08:13Well,
08:14forgive me
08:14if I don't do
08:14a cartwheel of joy.
08:16Your family's record
08:17in the Department
08:18of Cunning Planning
08:18is about as impressive
08:20as stumpy
08:21Oleg McNoleg's
08:23personal best
08:23in the Market Harbour
08:25and Marathon.
08:28All right,
08:29what's the plan?
08:33A pumpkin
08:34is going to save
08:35the King.
08:36Ah.
08:37But over here,
08:39I have one
08:40that I prepared earlier.
08:44I will balance it
08:46on the King's head
08:47like this.
08:48Then I will cover
08:49his real head
08:50with a cloak
08:52and then
08:52when I execute him,
08:54instead of cutting off
08:55his real head,
08:56I will cut off
08:56the pumpkin
08:57and the King
08:59survives.
09:01I'm not sure
09:02it's going to work,
09:03Mordis.
09:04Why not?
09:05Because once you've
09:06cut it off,
09:06you have to hold it up
09:07in front of the crowd
09:08and say,
09:08this is the head
09:10of a traitor.
09:10At which point
09:11they will shout back,
09:12no, it's not.
09:13It's a large pumpkin
09:14with a pathetic
09:15moustache.
09:17I suppose
09:18it's not 100%
09:19convincing.
09:20It's not 1%
09:21convincing.
09:23However,
09:23I'm a busy man
09:24and I can't be bothered
09:25to punch you
09:25at the moment.
09:27Here is my fist
09:28kindly run towards
09:29it as fast as you can.
09:34I just,
09:35I just don't
09:36understand it.
09:37What possessed you
09:37to take the job?
09:38Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
09:40It was just a wild,
09:41silly, foolish plan.
09:43I thought
09:44with the money
09:44I got from
09:45executing the King,
09:46I could sneak out
09:47and buy a brand new King
09:49when no one was looking
09:50and pop him back
09:51on the throne
09:51without anyone noticing.
09:53Your head
09:54is as empty
09:55as a eunuch's underpants.
09:58You'd do anything
09:59for 30 pieces of silver,
10:01wouldn't you?
10:01It was £1,000,
10:03actually, sir.
10:04Plus tip.
10:07Well, I suppose
10:08somebody's got to do it,
10:09haven't they?
10:10And if it's going
10:10to be done,
10:11it's got to be done
10:11in a single stroke
10:12by someone
10:13who actually owns an axe.
10:14We don't want you
10:15hacking away at it
10:16all afternoon
10:16with that cheap
10:17pen knife of yours.
10:18It'd be so embarrassing
10:20to have King Charles
10:21stagging around
10:21Hampton Court
10:22tomorrow morning
10:23with his neck
10:23flapping
10:24like a fish's heel
10:25on the side.
10:26Sir, you don't mean...
10:27Yep.
10:28I'm doing it.
10:29Lend me your costume.
10:30Then go immediately
10:31to the king
10:31and inform him
10:33that Sir Edmund Blackadder
10:34cannot be with him
10:35tomorrow.
10:36And make sure
10:37you think up
10:38a bloody good excuse.
10:41So, that's why
10:42he can't be here.
10:43Sorry.
10:44I see you.
10:45I quite understand.
10:46Yes.
10:49Sir,
10:50the moment has arrived.
10:51Are you ready
10:52to meet your maker?
10:53Well, I'm always
10:54absolutely fascinated
10:55to meet people
10:56from all walks of life,
10:57but, uh,
10:58yes, particularly
10:59manufacturing industry.
11:01Well then,
11:02have a quick walk
11:03and talk
11:03with your executioner
11:04and let's get on with it.
11:06Right.
11:11Well, I'm sorry,
11:12my friend.
11:12I'm alone here today.
11:14I had hoped
11:15that my good,
11:16loyal chum,
11:17Sir Edmund Blackadder,
11:18would be here with me,
11:20but, unfortunately,
11:21his wife's sister's puppy
11:23fell into the strawberry patch.
11:26So, naturally,
11:27he can't be with us.
11:30All I can do
11:31is bid you
11:32do your duty well.
11:34Well,
11:35thank you,
11:35Your Majesty.
11:36And may I say
11:37how much I mourn
11:39for your lot
11:39and bid you remember
11:41others before you
11:42who have died unjustly.
11:44Well, thank you.
11:44I take great solace
11:45from this.
11:45Sir Thomas More,
11:46for instance,
11:47a great generous man
11:48to the last.
11:49He apparently
11:49tipped his executioner
11:52handsomely.
11:52Oh, I'm so sorry.
11:54I thought service
11:55was included.
11:56I bid you,
11:56Um, here you are.
11:59Hmm.
12:00And then there was
12:01the Earl of Essex.
12:02What is there?
12:03A truly great man.
12:05They still sing
12:06his famous ballad
12:08down the Chepstow Arms.
12:09What ballad is that?
12:11The Earl,
12:11he had a thousand sovereigns,
12:13hey,
12:14nonny,
12:14no,
12:15gave them all away
12:16to the man
12:17with the axe.
12:19Oh.
12:20A thousand sovereigns?
12:22Well,
12:23you can't take it
12:23with you,
12:24your majesty.
12:25Very true.
12:26There you are.
12:27Do keep the change.
12:28Thank you,
12:28your majesty.
12:29Right,
12:30should we go?
12:30Just a minute.
12:32That voice
12:33has a strangely
12:33familiar ring
12:35and so does
12:36that finger.
12:38Back at her.
12:41Hello,
12:41your majesty.
12:43You cunning swine.
12:46Yes,
12:46well,
12:47uh,
12:47uh...
12:47Marvellous,
12:48splendid.
12:49You,
12:49you,
12:49you've duped
12:50Carmwell
12:51and you've concocted
12:52a cunning plan
12:53to help me
12:54and my infant son
12:55escape to France.
12:56Ah,
12:57yes,
12:57that's right.
12:58Yes.
12:59So,
12:59let's put your cunning plan
13:01into operation
13:01straight away.
13:03Yes,
13:04let's.
13:05Uh,
13:07well,
13:08you start the ball rolling.
13:09You do,
13:10after you.
13:11Right,
13:12yes.
13:14Uh,
13:14oh,
13:15yes.
13:15Yes,
13:16right,
13:16and it's,
13:16and it's a very good plan.
13:18It's a staggering,
13:19bowel-shatteringly good plan.
13:23Is the king ready?
13:24Yes.
13:25Come,
13:26your majesty.
13:44This is the head of a traitor.
13:47No,
13:47it's not.
13:48It's a huge pumpkin
13:50with a pathetic moustache drawn on it.
13:55Oh,
13:55yes,
13:56so it is.
13:56Sorry,
13:57I'll try again.
14:06Well,
14:07sir,
14:08they can't say you didn't try.
14:10Now,
14:10the future of the British monarchy
14:12lies fast asleep in your arms
14:14in the person of this infant prince,
14:16and with the money you've earned,
14:18you and he can escape to France.
14:20Oh,
14:21quite.
14:22On the other hand,
14:23you can stay here,
14:24and as a known loyalist,
14:26the roundheads will come and cut your head off.
14:28Exactly,
14:29Bulrick.
14:30Oh,
14:31my God.
14:32Oh,
14:33no,
14:33we're surrounded.
14:34What will we do?
14:36Well,
14:36at times like this,
14:36Bulrick,
14:37there is no choice for a man of honour.
14:39He must stand and fight and die
14:41in defence of his future sovereign.
14:45Unfortunately,
14:46I'm not a man of honour.
14:52Thank God you've come.
14:54Seize the royalist scum.