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00:00I love you
00:41you look smart mr. blackadder going somewhere nice no I'm off to the
00:46theater don't you like it then no I don't a lot of stupid actors strutting
00:51around shouting with their chests thrust out so far you'd think their nipples were
00:56attached to a pair of charging elephant and the worst thing about it is having
01:00to go with Prince mini brain what doesn't he like it either no no he loves it the
01:05problem is he doesn't realize it's made up last year when Brutus was about to kill
01:09Julius Caesar the Prince yelled out look behind you mr. Caesar I can't see the
01:16point in the theater all that sex and violence I'll get enough of that at home
01:21the sex of course while we're out Baldrick I want you to give this palace a good
01:26clean it's so dirty it'll be unacceptable to a dung beetle that had lost interest in
01:31his career and really let itself go coming sir as fast as I can stick the kettle on
01:41morning now give I this advice to thee never never never trust thine enemy
01:59thy life is forfeited thy life is forfeited and at an end like our poor play we hope it pleased
02:13you
02:14your friend certainly not you murdering rotter gods arrest that man
02:21it's only a play oh well that's all very well but what about the poor fellow who's dead
02:25saying it's only a player will not feed and clothe the little ones he leaves
02:28behind call the militia but sir he's not dead see he stands awaiting your
02:33applause oh I say that's very clever
02:37really dead oh bravo bravo
02:41now stop it's nice oh shit we'll close tonight
02:48for the weeders smash the spinning jenny burn the rolling rosalind destroy the going up and down a bit and
02:54then moving along Gertrude and death to the stupid prince who grows fat on their profits
02:59I say how exciting this place getting better and better bravo
03:05it's not a play anymore sir
03:09put the bomb down and make your way quietly to the exit
03:14you old thing you old dummies you can't tell when something's real or when it's not
03:22I must say blackheader that was a close shave
03:25why on earth would an anarchist possibly want to kill you
03:32I think it might have been you he was after sir
03:34oh hogwash what on earth makes you say that
03:37well my suspicions were first aroused by his use of the words death to the stupid prince
03:46these are volatile times your highness the american revolution lost your father the colonies
03:51the french revolution murdered brave king louis and there are tremendous rumblings in prussia
03:56although that might be something to do with the sausages
03:59the whole world cries out peace freedom and a few less fat bastards eating all the pie
04:06well yes quite i mean something must be done any ideas yes sir next week it is your royal father's
04:12birthday celebrations
04:13i suggest that i write a brilliant speech for you to recite to show the oppressed masses
04:19what are they so worked up about they're worked up sir because they're so poor they are forced to have
04:30children simply to provide a cheap alternative to turkey at christmas
04:37disease and deprivation stalk our land like two giant stalking things and the working man is poised to overthrow us
04:47oh my god and here he is
04:50don't be silly sir that's baldrick my dog's body
04:53what's silly about that he looks like an oppressed mass to me
04:55get him out of here at once
04:56shoo baldrick carry on with your cleaning elsewhere
04:58and by the end of tonight i want that dining table so clean i could eat my dinner off it
05:06crikey blackheader i'm i'm dicing with death here
05:09the sooner i can show how unusually sensitive i am the better
05:14oh i've just had another brilliant thought another one your highness
05:18yes another one actually
05:20you remember that one i had about uh wearing underwear on the outside to save on laundry bills
05:26i'm thinking to myself hello why don't we ask those two actor chappies we saw tonight to teach me how
05:30to recite your speech
05:31brilliant eh
05:32no your highness feeble
05:35what
05:35i would advise against it
05:37it's a feeble idea
05:38well tish and pish to your advice blackadder
05:41get them here at once
05:42damn it i'm fed up when you're treating me as if i'm some kind of a thicky
05:46it's not me that's thick it's you
05:47do you know why
05:48because i'm a bloody prince and you're only a butler
05:51and we don't get those actors this minute
05:52mr thicky black thicky adder thicky
06:06mrs miggins i'm looking for a couple of actors
06:09well you've come to the right place mr b
06:11there's more shakespearean dialogue in here than there are buns
06:15oh my lovely
06:17i've been popping on their way to rehearsal
06:19for a little cup of coffee
06:22and a big dollop of inspiration
06:24you mean they actually rehearse
06:26i thought they just got drunk stuck on a silly hat and trusted to luck
06:30oh no
06:32there's ever so much hard work goes into the wonderful magic that is theatre today
06:39still i don't expect you'd know much about that being only a little butler
06:46they do say mrs m that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain
06:50they are of course wrong as you will soon discover
06:54and i stick this toasting fork in your head
06:58ladies and gentlemen will you please welcome mr david keenery
07:03and the fabulous mr enoch mothman
07:07oh no settle down settle down
07:10i'm sorry no autographs
07:11my usual mrs oh my lovely
07:15well if i can just squeeze through this admiring rubble
07:21gentlemen i've come with a proposition
07:24how dare you sir
07:25you think just because we're actors we sleep with everyone
07:29i think being actors you're lucky to sleep with anyone
07:33i come here on behalf of my employer to ask for some elocution lessons
07:38i'm fair sir that is quite impossible
07:41we are in the middle of rehearsing our new play we could not possibly betray our beloved audience
07:47by taking time off
07:48oh no mustn't upset the punters
07:51bums on seats lady bums on seats
07:54and what play is this
07:57it is a piece we penned ourselves
07:59called the bloody murder of the foul prince romero
08:03and his enormous bosomed wife
08:08a philosophical work then
08:10indeed yes sir
08:12the violence of the murder
08:14and the vastness of the bosom
08:16are entirely justified artistically
08:18right well i'll tell the prince that you can't make it
08:21prince
08:21sorry yes
08:22didn't i mention that
08:23it's the prince regent
08:25shame you can't make it
08:26still
08:26no no no no sir please
08:28no please wait sir
08:29off off
08:31sir
08:32i think we can
08:34find some time do you not mr keenery
08:36definitely mr morsel
08:37no no you've got your beloved audience to think about
08:40oh sod the proles
08:43yes
08:44worthless bastards to a man
08:46well it's nice to see artistic integrity thriving so strongly in the
08:51well for this afternoon at four then at the palace
08:57well what do you think
08:59are you ill or something
09:02no i was simply trying to look more like an actor
09:05well i'm sure you don't need the false moustache
09:07no
09:07no
09:08no
09:09oh
09:09oh
09:10oh
09:11sir
09:15sir that is baldric spring cleaning
09:18oh yes sir
09:20it is
09:20finish the job later
09:22balere
09:22very well sir
09:23the cleaning or the being strangled
09:26Neither suits me.
09:29Look, Blackadder, this is all getting a bit hairy, isn't it?
09:31I mean, are you sure we can even trust these acting fellows?
09:34Last time he went to the theatre, three of them murdered Julius Caesar.
09:37One of them was his best friend, Brutus.
09:40As I have told you about eight times,
09:43the man playing Julius Caesar was an actor called Kemp.
09:48Really?
09:49Yes.
09:50Thundering gherkins.
09:51Well, Brutus must have been very miffed when he found out.
09:55What?
09:56That he hadn't killed Caesar after all, just some poxy actor called Kemp.
10:00The only thing he did, go round to Caesar's place after the play and kill him then.
10:04Oh, God, it's pathetic.
10:12Is that the door?
10:13Oh, don't worry, it's just the actors.
10:17My Uncle Baldrick was in a play once.
10:19Really?
10:19Yeah, it was called Macbeth.
10:22And what did he play?
10:23Second Codpiece.
10:28Macbeth wore him in the fight scenes.
10:32So he was a stunt Codpiece.
10:38Did he have a large part?
10:46Depends who was playing Macbeth.
10:48Now, incidentally, Baldrick, actors are very superstitious.
10:51On no account to mention the word Macbeth this evening, all right?
10:54Why not?
10:55It brings them bad luck and it makes them very unhappy.
10:58Oh, so you won't be mentioning it either?
11:01No.
11:02Well, not very often.
11:07You should have knocked.
11:09Oh, no, no, no, you impertinent butler.
11:11We're loud enough to wake the hounds of hell.
11:15Lead on, Macbeth.
11:17I shall.
11:23Lest you continue in your quotation and mention the name of the Scottish play.
11:28Oh, never fear, I shan't do that.
11:31By the Scottish play, I assume you mean Macbeth.
11:41What was that?
11:42You were exorcising evil spirits.
11:45Being but a mere butler, you will not know the great theatre tradition
11:48that one does never speak the name of the Scottish play.
11:53What, Macbeth?
11:55Oh, potato, off the straws, butler make amends.
11:59Oh, Lord, you mean you have to do that every time I say Macbeth?
12:02Ah, potato, off the straws, butler make amends.
12:05Ah, I did it.
12:07Will you please stop saying that?
12:10Always call it the Scottish play.
12:12So you want me to say the Scottish play?
12:14Yes.
12:15Rather than Macbeth?
12:16Ah, potato, off the straws, butler make amends.
12:20Say, what is all this hullabaloo,
12:22all this shouting and screaming and yelling blue murder?
12:25Why, it's like that play we saw the other day.
12:27What was it called?
12:28Macbeth?
12:29Ah, potato, off the straws, butler make amends.
12:34No, no, no, no, no, it was called Julius Caesar.
12:36Oh, yes, of course.
12:38Julius Caesar.
12:40Not Macbeth.
12:42Potato, off the straws, butler make amends.
12:46Are you sure you want these people to stay?
12:48Of course, I asked them, didn't I, Mr. Thickey Butler?
12:52Your Royal Highness, may I say what a great honour it is to be invited here.
12:55Why, certainly.
12:57What a great honour that it is to be invited here,
13:01to make Mary in the halls of our King's Loinsmith's glorious outpouring.
13:09Now, Your Highness, shall we begin straight away?
13:11Absolutely, yes.
13:12Now, I've got this, uh...
13:13Now, before we inspect the script,
13:16let us have a look at Stance.
13:19Right.
13:19Yes.
13:20Now, the ordinary fellow stands like, well, as you do now.
13:24Whereas, your hero
13:28stands thus.
13:29Right.
13:30Sort of like this.
13:32Excellent, Joyce.
13:33And even more, sir.
13:36Oh, oh.
13:36Sort of like that.
13:41What's that noise?
13:42It wasn't me.
13:45We are used to standing in this position.
13:50Right.
13:51Can't I remember here?
13:54Anarchies!
13:55Cleaner!
13:56All right, so you've had a wash.
13:57That's no excuse.
13:58Darling!
14:00Yes, sir.
14:00That is Baldrick's spring cleaning.
14:02Look at this.
14:03Look, he's got a bomb.
14:04It's not a bomb, sir.
14:06It's a sponge.
14:07Oh, yes, sir, it is.
14:09We'll get it out of here at once before it explodes.
14:13Um, now, Stance, I'm sorry about that.
14:15I think we really had something there.
14:16Oh, yes, Your Highness.
14:18Now, your very posture tells me here
14:20is a man of true greatness.
14:23Either that or here are my genitals.
14:25Please.
14:29Sir,
14:30I really must ask
14:32that this ill-educated oaf
14:34be removed from the room.
14:35Yes, get out, sir.
14:37Your presence here
14:38is as youthful as fine-boned china
14:40at a tea party for drunken elephants.
14:42Is that right?
14:44Well, yes, hang it on.
14:45We'll get out, Blackadder,
14:45and stop corking our juices.
14:47Certainly, Your Highness.
14:48I'll leave you to dribble in private.
14:54Is something wrong, Mr. B?
14:56I've just about headed up to here with that, Prince.
14:58One more insult,
14:59and I'll be handing in my notice.
15:00Oh, does that mean I'll be butler?
15:02Not unless some kindly passing surgeon
15:05cuts your head open with a spade
15:06and sticks a new brain in it.
15:08Oh, no.
15:09I don't know why I put up with it.
15:11I really don't.
15:12Every year at the Guild of Butler's Christmas Party,
15:15I'm the one who has to wear
15:16the red nose and the pointy hat
15:18for winning the
15:18Who's Got the Stupidest Master competition.
15:21But all I can say is
15:23he'd better watch out.
15:24One more foot wrong
15:25and the contract between us
15:26will be as broken as this milk jug.
15:29But that milk jug isn't broken.
15:31You really do walk into these things,
15:33don't you?
15:35Excellent.
15:41And now, sir,
15:42at last,
15:43the speech.
15:44Right.
15:47No, no, no, no, no, no,
15:49Your Royal Highness.
15:52What have you forgotten?
15:54Oh, now look,
15:54if I stand any more heroically than this,
15:56I'm in danger of seriously
15:57disappointing my future queen.
16:00No, Your Highness,
16:01not the stance.
16:03The roar.
16:05You want me to roar?
16:07Well, of course,
16:07we wish you to roar.
16:08All great oristers roar
16:11before commencing their speeches.
16:13It is the way of things.
16:15Mr. Kinric,
16:17from your hamlet, please.
16:23To be or not to be.
16:28And from your Julius Caesar.
16:39And from your leading character
16:42in a play connected with Scotland.
16:45That's Macbeth, isn't it?
16:48Hot potato,
16:49off the stalls,
16:49but we'll make amends.
16:51Ah!
16:51Ah!
16:53Ah!
16:56Ah!
16:56Ah!
16:56Ah!
16:58Ah!
16:58Oh, oh, oh, oh!
17:01One, two,
17:08It's forgotten.
17:10Now, so would I
17:12putting it all together.
17:16Ah!
17:20I'm accustomed as I am.
17:26Alas, I hear you mew it like a frightened tree.
17:31May I see the speech?
17:36Oh, no, no, no.
17:44Who wrote this dribble?
17:50Is there a problem with the speech?
17:55Well, yes, there is a problem, actually.
17:58The problem is that you wrote it, Mr. Hopelessly-drivily-can't-write-for-toffee-crappy-butler-weed.
18:10Whoops.
18:16This supper, sir.
18:18Yes.
18:18Preferably something that has first passed through the digestive system of the cat.
18:23And you'll have to take it up yourself.
18:25Why?
18:25Because I'm leaving, Balric.
18:27I'm about to enter the job market.
18:31Right, let's see.
18:33The situation's vacant.
18:35Mr. and Mrs. Pitt are looking for a baby-minder to take Pitt the Younger to Parliament.
18:42Mr. Philical George Stevenson has invented a moving kettle.
18:47I want someone to help with the marketing.
18:50Oh, there's a foreign opportunity here.
18:52Treacherous, malicious, unprincipled cad, preferably non-smoker, wanted to be king of Sardinia.
19:00No time wasters, please.
19:02Bye.
19:03Napoleon Bonaparte, P.O. Box 1, Paris.
19:06Thanks, sir.
19:07We're on our way.
19:11Oh, um, sir, about costume, any thoughts?
19:17Well, enormous trousers, certainly.
19:20Certainly, sir.
19:20And then I thought perhaps an admiral's uniform, because we know what all the nice girls love, don't we?
19:27I tell you what, why don't I go and try them on for you?
19:29Oh, a super idea.
19:31Help yourselves to whine.
19:32You'll need a stiff drink when you see the size of these damn trousers.
19:37Oh, my dear, what a ghastly evening.
19:40You're so right, love.
19:41Look, while he's gone, why don't we have a quick read through of the murder of Prince Romero and his
19:47enormously bosom wife?
19:48Act 1, scene 1.
19:51Springer's come with all his gentle showers.
19:53Methinks it is time to hack the prince to death.
19:56Baudrick, I would like to say how much I will miss your honest and friendly companionship.
20:02Oh, thank you, Mr. B.
20:03Well, as we both know, it would be an utter lie.
20:07I would therefore confine myself to saying simply, sod off.
20:12If I ever meet you again, it'll be 20 billion years too soon.
20:17Goodbye, you lazy, big-nosed, rubber-faced bastard.
20:27I fear, Baudrick, that you will soon be eating those badly chosen words.
20:32I wouldn't bet you a single groat that you could survive five minutes here without me.
20:37Oh, come on, Mr. B.
20:38It's not as though we're going to get murdered or anything the minute you leave, is it?
20:42Hope springs eternal, Baud.
20:48Oh, let's kill the prince.
20:52He shall strike first.
20:54Let me and let this dagger's point prick out his soft eyeball
20:59and sup with glee upon its exquisite jelly.
21:06Have you the stomach?
21:08I have not killed him yet, sir.
21:10But when I do, I shall have the stomach and the liver too.
21:16And the flop-ily-doppilys in their horrid gloom.
21:22What if a servant should hear us in our plotting?
21:25Ha-ha!
21:26Then shall we have servant sausages for tea.
21:31And servant ristrels shall our supper be.
21:38Murder! Murder! Murder!
21:40The revolution started!
21:42What?
21:42A plot! A plot to kill you!
21:44Ah, so you've come clean at last, have you, you bloody little poor person?
21:48No, not me. The actors downstairs, they're anarchists.
21:51Anarchists?
21:52Yeah, I heard them plotting.
21:53They're going to poke out your liver, turn me into a wrist hole
21:56and then suck on your exquisite floppy-doppy-doppy-s.
21:59What are we going to do?
22:00Well, Mr Blackadder says,
22:02when the going gets tough, the tough hide under the table.
22:06Blah, of course. Well, where is he?
22:07Oh, he's in Sardinia.
22:09What? Why?
22:10Well, you were rude to him, so he left.
22:12Oh, no! What a mad, blundering, incredibly handsome young link-a-boop I've been.
22:18Oh, what are we going to do?
22:19If we go downstairs, they'll chop us up and eat us alive.
22:22Oh, no! Do! Do! Do!
22:25Shh, shh, shh, shh.
22:27Oh!
22:37Good evening, your miners.
22:39Oh, Blackadder.
22:39Four minutes, 22 seconds, Warwick.
22:41You owe me a groat.
22:44Thank God you're here! We desperately need you!
22:46Oh, me, sir.
22:48Mr Thickey Black Thickey Adder Thickey.
22:51Oh, that's nonsense!
22:52Mr Hopelessly Drivally Can't Write for Toffee Crappy Butler.
22:55Yes, Mr Brilliantly Undervalued Butler Who Hasn't Had a Raise in a Fortnight.
23:02Take an extra thousand.
23:04Guineas per month?
23:06All right, what's your problem?
23:13What, are they going to bore us today?
23:14No, no, no!
23:15Don't stab us!
23:16Baldrick overheard them!
23:17I did?
23:17Are you sure they meant it, sir?
23:18Oh, I'm quite sure.
23:19Baldrick, how far apart were their legs?
23:20Oh, this far!
23:22Yeah, and their nipples?
23:23That far!
23:23Oh, they meant it.
23:24All right, sir, I'll see what I can do.
23:26To torture him, I lust!
23:29Let's singe his hair and up his nostrils.
23:34Hot bananas thrust.
23:39Rehearsal's going well, gentlemen.
23:40Begone.
23:41A mere butler with the intellectual capacity of a squashed apricot can be of no use to us.
23:46Indeed, yes, sir.
23:48Your participation is as irritating as a potted cactus in a monkey's pyjamas.
23:55Well, in that case, I won't interrupt you any longer.
23:58Sorry to disturb, gentlemen.
24:03Oh, Blackadder, thank God you're safe!
24:07Well, what happened?
24:07Sir, there was no need to panic.
24:09It was all perfectly straightforward.
24:11Well?
24:12They're traitors, sir.
24:14They must be arrested, brutally tortured, and executed forthwith.
24:18Bravo!
24:21But your highness, there's been a terrible mistake.
24:25That's what they were bound to say, sir.
24:27It was a play, sir.
24:29A play.
24:30Look all the words you heard written down on that paper.
24:33Textbook stuff again, you see.
24:34The criminal's vanity always makes them make one tiny but fatal mistake.
24:39Theirs was to have their entire conspiracy printed and published in play manuscript.
24:44Take them away.
24:45That, we beg for mercy.
24:46Mercy, please, sir.
24:48Mercy.
24:48I've only got one thing to say to you.
24:50Macbeth.
24:52Take them all, Mr. Stoll.
24:53God, for me, for me.
24:55Macbeth.
24:57Well done, Bladder.
24:58How could I ever thank you?
24:59Well, you can start by not calling me Bladder, sir.
25:03Macbeth.
25:03Of course, Bladder.
25:05No sooner said than done.
25:06No hard feelings?
25:07Oh, absolutely not, sir.
25:08It's good to be back in the saddle.
25:10Did I say saddle?
25:11I meant harness.
25:13Bravo!
25:14So we're the best of friends as ever we were.
25:16Absolutely, sir.
25:17Hurrah!
25:17In fact, now that the evil Mossop and Keenrick have got their comeuppance,
25:21the Drury Lane Theatre is free.
25:23I thought we might celebrate by staging a little play that I've written.
25:27Oh, what an excellent idea.
25:28And with my newfound acting skills, might there be a part in it for me, do you think?
25:32I was hoping that you might play the title role, sir.
25:35What a roaringly good idea.
25:37What's the play called?
25:38Thick Jack Clot sits in the stocks and gets pelted with rancid tomatoes.
25:44Excellent!
26:08Black Adam.
26:12Oh, no.
26:15No, no.
26:20Ah, no.
26:25Ah, no.
26:29Ah, no.
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