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00:10The battle between the church and the crown continues with more ferocity than ever.
00:13And the Duke of Winchester, the richest landowner in England, dies.
00:19I die, my Lord.
00:22I will never die.
00:24Never.
00:26But, my son, to fill the idle hours until your recovery...
00:32Let's imagine for a moment that you pass away.
00:35To whom would you leave your land?
00:39Me, of course.
00:41Yeah.
00:42To my beloved king.
00:45Well, let your sinful soul prepare for hell, my son.
00:50Hell?
00:51Yes, hell, where Satan breathes fire and huge demons fart day and night.
00:58God, calm down.
01:00Where your mind will never be free from the torments of remorse, nor your backside from the punctures of orcas
01:07demonic.
01:08No, not the orcas, I beg you.
01:11Oh, what nonsense is that?
01:13Hell, where the softest parts of your most secret regions will be everyone's favorite food.
01:21My God.
01:23Forgive me, Lord.
01:26I will change my will and leave my lands to the church.
01:32That?
01:35May God bless your immaculate soul.
01:39Ah, you'll change your mind again.
01:43I know.
01:49I don't think so.
01:53Damn.
02:00The black viper.
02:02The black viper.
02:29The archbishop.
02:31The archbishop.
02:35Tell me, Valdry, what's the news?
02:37My lord, well-informed sources have told me that the Duchess of Gloucester has given birth to two leprechauns.
02:41No, no, no, no, about the Duke of Winchester.
02:44That one's still holding up.
02:45He must be on his last legs.
02:47Last week you said that in the penultimate ones.
02:50Make up your mind already.
02:51Either he dies or he lives forever.
02:54This constant instability is so undignified.
02:58My lord, I bring you tragic news.
03:01That?
03:02He's already dead, isn't he?
03:02Who, Milord?
03:04I understand now.
03:06Now the trend is for the messenger to ask for the message before saying it.
03:10That's not a bad idea.
03:11I like it.
03:12But I was referring to the Duke of Winchester.
03:15To whom, Milord?
03:17Good.
03:18Let's see if we can figure this out with one-syllable words, okay?
03:22Someone's died, right?
03:23Yes, Milord.
03:25And can we know who it is?
03:26Well, the Archbishop of Canterbury, Milord.
03:29Are you an idiot?
03:30Yes, Milord.
03:32The Archbishop of Canterbury?
04:03Oh, no.
04:04The Archbishop of Canterbury was leaving the Duke of Winchester's room.
04:06What had just died leaving all his lands to the church?
04:09Well yes.
04:10In fact, yes.
04:10And the king was furious.
04:13Yes, you could say that.
04:14But the most important thing is that at that moment Sirtadis Mortimer appeared around a corner.
04:19The hitman?
04:20No, no, no.
04:21Mortimer is that tall, weird guy who doesn't have ears.
04:24Yes, that's it.
04:25Very good.
04:26He turned the corner, saw the archbishop, and rushed towards him with his head bowed to receive his blessing.
04:32And unfortunately, it left him high and dry.
04:35As?
04:36Mortimer wore a Turkish helmet.
04:38Yes, I see, one of those with a two-legged spike sticking out the top.
04:42Yes, those things they use to drain their enemies by hitting them in the stomach.
04:45Dry, yes.
04:46Yes, Sirtadis had probably forgotten he was wearing it, huh?
04:51Know?
04:52That's exactly what happened.
04:54A tragic accident.
04:55Tragic.
04:56Ah, yes, almost as tragic as a gargoyle falling on Archbishop Bertram's head as he was leaving
05:03bathe in the sea.
05:04Yes, and almost as tragic as the death that Archbishop Wilfred met when he slipped and fell from the spire
05:10of Norwick Cathedral.
05:13Lord, your ways are inscrutable.
05:16And now I don't know how I'm going to tell her young man.
05:20Yes, a tragic accident, my Lord.
05:24Accident and a horn.
05:27Who do you think will replace him?
05:30I don't know, some friend of the bishop, I suppose.
05:33They tend to choose the most devout.
05:35There are rumors, my Lord, that the king wants to choose Prince Harry.
05:40Oh, really?
05:41Prince Harry, archbishop, my Lord?
05:45My God!
05:46Prince Harry, Archbishop!
05:49And we all know what happens to archbishops, don't we?
05:52Yes, they're going to Canterbury.
05:55No, no, no, no, no, no!
05:58Oh, yes!
06:02Are you sure about that information, Patrick?
06:04Jane Smart told me.
06:05The one who told me about the Duchess of Kenti and the chastity belt.
06:09Yes, very reliable.
06:11Yes, they elect Jorge as archbishop.
06:16The black viper will be the next king.
06:22Yes, this could be one of the most important days of my life.
06:27Let's see if I need my most splendid outfit for the ceremony.
06:30Of course, my lord.
06:32Hat, milord?
06:33Yes, the tray.
06:34Boots, my lord?
06:35The Italians.
06:36And the jockstrap.
06:38Yes, I'll wear the Russian black, okay?
06:42Money always terrifies him.
06:58Any other rumors, Baldrick?
06:59The truth is, no.
07:01It seems Lord Wilder has slept with a sheep, but nothing about the appointment.
07:05Yes, very good.
07:07Yes, very good.
07:12Why are you dressed like that, Edmund?
07:15As?
07:16Sorry.
07:17Oh, with that long thing between her legs.
07:23Cross your fingers.
07:27Members of the court and clergy, finally, and after consulting very carefully with our God,
07:37his Son Jesus Christ, and their incorporeal friend, the Holy Spirit,
07:43I have decided who will be the new archbishop.
07:49I hope this assumption lasts longer than its predecessors.
07:55Impossible.
07:56I hereby appoint to the holy see of Canterbury my own son, Edwin, Duke of Edinburgh.
08:11Archbishop, we greet you.
08:16Congratulations, my Lord!
08:17Shut up!
08:33Keep going, keep going, with both hands.
08:36So.
08:38Very good, Harry, that's right, very good.
08:41Passed!
08:45Majesty!
08:45Look, it's the archbishop!
08:48Just a couple of details about my appointment, before the matter gets...
08:54Listen!
08:56First, I could...
08:57No, you can't!
08:58Okay, second...
09:00Don't let the appointment fool you, Edwin.
09:02I have always despised you.
09:05I understand that you are my father, and you have favorites.
09:10You, compared to my beloved Harry, are like excrement compared to Nata.
09:17Father, you lengthen me.
09:19Me too.
09:21So now that I've found you a job, don't try to shirk your responsibilities.
09:26No, no, no, no, no, no, of course not.
09:29I was just wondering if perhaps another man as weak and timid as me could also do the job.
09:36Ha!
09:37That man does not exist.
09:38No, no, no, no, no, of course not.
09:41What do I say?
09:43And perhaps someone, someone who truly believes in God?
09:48If I wanted someone who believed in God, I would have chosen Harry.
09:53And not to a shameful insect like you.
09:57Okay, okay, that clears everything up.
10:00My God, it's almost time for vespers.
10:03I have to go.
10:05Hegber?
10:10Come here.
10:22I'll give you some advice.
10:24If you make me angry now or at any time, I will do to you what God did to the Sodomites.
10:33No, sir, I don't think that's a good idea.
10:35Did you understand me?
10:36Well, I'll try to be prepared, just in case.
10:42Thank you so much.
10:44Thank you so much.
10:45Thank you so much.
10:50Thank you so much.
10:59We already have the thumbscrews, the foot crusher, the nose clips, those really long sticks.
11:09And the dwarf?
11:10Here, my lord.
11:13Okay, we're leaving.
11:15Archbishop!
11:18Archbishop!
11:21Are you going somewhere?
11:27Yeah.
11:29Where?
11:32To Canterbury.
11:35Okay, okay.
11:38Harry will accompany you.
11:40I wouldn't want you to be assassinated before the inauguration.
11:47Chiswick, spare horses!
11:50Milord, if we want to take the ship to France, we must leave.
11:54The ship to France?
11:56Yes, yes.
11:57Are you going to France, Percy?
12:00Aren't we all leaving?
12:02No, no, Harry.
12:03We're going to Canterbury, aren't we, Harry?
12:08Ah, yes, I understand now.
12:10You've changed your plans.
12:12No, the truth is no.
12:14The only change is that you go and put your face in a pile of excrement.
12:18And then don't keep your distance.
12:22Reasonable.
12:22Harry.
12:23Hey?
12:24Another thing.
12:25There is something that worries me.
12:27Suppose my right hand offends me and I cut it off.
12:31Good.
12:32What if my left hand offends me too?
12:35That hand I use to cut it.
12:38Yes, yes.
12:40Very difficult.
12:41Yeah.
12:54Who was that?
12:55Don't know.
12:56But the tallest one had his face covered in shit.
13:01Some have style.
13:11Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh, do you believe in God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit?
13:23Yeah.
13:26Yeah.
13:27Therefore, I appoint you Archbishop of Camderbury and Primate of all England.
13:54Once the investiture was over, Archbishop Edmund the listless quickly adopted the customs of the clergy.
14:02But the threat of his father always hung over his head.
14:06Until one day...
14:08Tell me, Brother Valdrick, exactly what did God do to the Sodomites?
14:12I don't know, milor, but I don't think it was worse than what they did to each other.
14:21Oh my God, it's done!
14:24Baldrick, bring me the Bishop of Ramsgate!
14:27Whom?
14:27Percy, Percy!
14:32My life hangs by a thread!
14:40The bed of the dying Lord Graveny, attended by the Bishop of London, brother of the dead archbishop.
14:48Then, Lord Graveny, you will go to hell.
14:52Oh my God!
14:53Hell, where the air has a pungent smell from the aroma of burnt buttocks.
14:59No no!
15:03I leave my lands in the hands of the church and I say goodbye to the world for life.
15:14What? The archbishop hasn't arrived yet?
15:17Not yet, and even if it happened it would be too much...
15:20Scygad!
15:21...late.
15:22Get out of here!
15:23I will kill you both as I killed your brother! I will abolish the church!
15:29My Lord! My Lord!
15:31Aaah! I told you to get out!
15:35My Lord! My Lord! My Lord!
15:39Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!
15:45I'm in paradise!
15:47No! Not yet!
15:49Then it's hell! I beg you! Don't burn my ass!
15:53No, no! You're all right! This is England!
15:56And you are not Satan!
15:58No! I am the Archbishop of Canterbury!
16:01Oh, Your Holiness! Your Holiness! I have left all my lands to the church!
16:06Do you think I will be saved?
16:08No! He's the traitor! I'll kill myself!
16:11Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!
16:14Let's do it in stages! Okay?
16:18The truth is, the church doesn't need your land!
16:22What the church needs is a good thrashing!
16:25Yeah!
16:25If I don't get the church's blessing, I'll go to hell!
16:30Yes! Straight to hell!
16:32Out!
16:35Someone like you going to hell? Never! Never!
16:40But I have committed many sins!
16:42Like everyone else! Like everyone else!
16:44I killed my father!
16:46Yes! As senses!
16:47To hell with you! Hurry, Esper!
16:51And I have also committed adultery!
16:53Well! And who wouldn't be?
16:55More than a thousand times!
16:57It's 1487!
17:00With my mother!
17:01That?!
17:03You see! I'm going to hell!
17:06To hell with you!
17:07Where tumors the size of turnips will sprout from your nose and ears!
17:10Kill that bishop!
17:12To hell with you!
17:14Okay, let's take hell.
17:17For example, do you know that it's not as terrible as they say?
17:21That?
17:22No, no, no, no. You'll see.
17:24The thing about heaven is that heaven is for people who like things
17:29that are made in heaven.
17:31Like singing, talking to God, watering the plants...
17:37Whereas hell is for people who like other things.
17:43Adultery, pillaging, torture, and those areas.
17:50Really!
17:51Leave your lands to the crown and when you die you'll have the time of your life.
17:56Adultery and pillaging forever and ever!
18:01Amen!
18:02And blows with canes to your most tender parts.
18:07Oh!
18:08Gavení!
18:09It's up to you!
18:11Very good!
18:12I leave the lands to the crown and my soul in the hands of the Lord to be treated as a
18:20piece of shit and send me to hell, which is my place.
18:25Amen!
18:26Amen!
18:27You're very lucky, you know?
18:28I'd like to go with you, but you know, I'm an archbishop.
18:32I'm sorry!
18:33No problem.
18:42My son!
18:44Father!
18:47Father!
18:49My son!
18:54Who is that?
18:56They look like the kind of people who would kill the Archbishop of Canterbury.
19:01Typical.
19:02Perdoturco!
19:03No!
19:04I will kill you, Turkish pig!
19:07Father!
19:08It's me!
19:09Father!
19:10Oh, yes!
19:10I'm sorry, Harry!
19:11You're improving, huh!
19:13Yes, fine, thank you, father.
19:15Hello, mother.
19:18He almost beat me!
19:19He almost beat me!
19:22Tell me, how was Edmund?
19:24Good, good, very good.
19:27Chiswick, another horse!
19:29And how are your little sheep doing?
19:33Whose?
19:34Edmund's, my dear.
19:36What little sheep?
19:38The Canterbury Sheep.
19:40You know, the flock I was talking about.
19:44Oh my God!
19:49I don't understand.
19:51Edmund doesn't even like religion.
19:54That's impossible!
19:56He's the Archbishop of Canterbury!
19:58Yes, and the Archbishop of Canterbury is also a mischievous child.
20:02whom I had to spank for relieving himself at the fountain.
20:06Ah, but that was a long time ago!
20:08It was last Tuesday!
20:17Well, the boy hasn't turned out to be so bad.
20:20May you have a life full of health!
20:32I thank God that I won't have to say it again
20:37Who will deliver me from this priest?
20:42And what is that?
20:43One thing my ancestor, Henry II, said when he was having trouble with Thomas Beckett.
20:49He was sitting at the table like that, with two drunken gentlemen, and suddenly he shouted
20:53Who will deliver me from this priest?
20:58I don't understand.
21:00Ah, God forbid!
21:02I've spoken!
21:04Who will deliver me from this priest?
21:07Who are you referring to?
21:09To the Archbishop of Canterbury, of course.
21:13And what happened?
21:15They went straight there and killed him!
21:23I think it's time to do business.
21:26Business, my Lord?
21:27Yes, and Valdrick and I have studied some of the ways to make money in this horrible job.
21:32Basically, my Lord, there appear to be four main areas of profit.
21:36Curses, pardons, relics, and the sexual favors of nuns.
21:41Sexual favors from nuns?
21:43And people spend money on that?
21:45Foreign businessmen, other nuns?
21:48Let's start with forgiveness, shall we?
21:50Okay, this is a rough selection.
21:52People usually get what they pay for.
21:55They range from this one, which is an apology for speaking with your mouth full,
21:58Signed by a seminarian from Tewsbury.
22:01And how much is that?
22:02Two pebbles.
22:04Even this, which is forgiveness for whatever,
22:08including murder, adultery, or beheading of a friend or relative.
22:12What do you understand?
22:13My God, who signed that?
22:14The two popes.
22:15Oh, well, yes.
22:16The curses are very similar.
22:19This is because...
22:20Half an egg.
22:23Damn, dear enemy.
22:25I curse you and hope something unpleasant happens to you.
22:28like having an onion fall on your head.
22:31Yes, this is the cheapest one on the list.
22:33and they go up to this one that's worth four ducats.
22:36Dear enemy, may God hate you.
22:39That you turn orange and that your head falls off at the most inopportune moment.
22:46And does that work?
22:47Yeah.
22:48Sure?
22:48Yeah.
22:49Really?
22:49No.
22:52And moving on to the relics, here we have the Turin tunic, wine from the wedding at Cana,
23:02splinters from the cross and then there are all these things that Jesus did in his days as a carpenter.
23:08Look, we have hangers, coasters, plates, bookends, light fixtures, a cheese board, fruit bowls, sandals...
23:24I haven't finished this one yet.
23:25But this is a disgrace, my Lord.
23:27It's very clear that it's false.
23:29Yeah.
23:30But how do people distinguish between this and genuinely good relics?
23:35They don't distinguish, that's it.
23:36I assure you that you will not deceive anyone.
23:40Look.
23:43This.
23:44Yes, it is a relic.
23:46What is it?
23:48A bone.
23:50It is from the finger of our Lord.
23:53It cost me 31 pieces of silver.
23:56Is it real?
23:58No, my Lord.
24:01You seem surprised.
24:02I am.
24:03I thought they sold them in packs of 10.
24:06I could have given you one for nothing.
24:09Yes, fingers are very cheap right now.
24:12But what's selling best is the nose.
24:15For example, this is the economic package of sacred appendages.
24:19They give you Jesus' nose, Saint Peter's nose, a pair of Saint Francis' noses...
24:26...and these are from Juan Abel.
24:29That son of a bitch?
24:31I will teach him.
24:32I will teach him.
24:36I will teach him.
24:40Hello good.
24:41Hello good.
24:42Hello good.
24:43What can I do for you?
24:46Well, we've come to assassinate the Archbishop of Canterbury.
24:51Yes, we are your friends.
24:53Yeah.
24:54And we fear for his life.
24:56Yes, why?
24:58You see, perhaps good King Richard, angry with the archbishop for some reason...
25:04We don't know which one.
25:05...send two drunken knights who have just returned from the Crusades...
25:09Crusades.
25:10...on a mission of revenge against him.
25:13Against him.
25:13If possible.
25:15And it's happened before.
25:16Yes, that's it.
25:17I don't feel it.
25:18I didn't take your names.
25:21George and Bob.
25:22How are you?
25:24Justin de Boignot.
25:26Two drunken knights who have returned from the Crusades...
25:29...and they are here on a mission from the good King Richard.
25:32May God bless you.
25:33God bless you.
25:33And the mission is...?
25:35Well, as I said, we've come to kill...
25:38...a little bit of time.
25:40Especially before the next crusade.
25:43Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
25:44Ah, okay, then I'll get it.
25:48Ah, they're going to say that...
25:50Yes, a couple of gentlemen want to see the archbishop.
25:54Oh, mother.
25:57Ah, monks.
26:01Milord, I have a surprise for you.
26:03If it's about the nuns of Uppingham and the candelabras, I know.
26:08No, the point is that two men want to kill you.
26:12That?
26:17Gentlemen, please excuse the delay.
26:19I'll go myself to see what's happening.
26:20Yes, wow.
26:24Listen to me, what's going on?
26:25They've come to kill us.
26:26Oh, come on, honestly, Baldrick.
26:28Just because a couple of people have a little bit of education...
26:31...you immediately assume they are murderers.
26:33Get ready, my loves!
26:35Oh my God!
26:36Lord, Lord, Lord.
26:39Oh my God, Lord!
26:43Come on, hurry up, hurry up!
26:45Yes, let's go, let's go!
26:54They've escaped!
27:07They must have gone through the secret passage to the convent!
27:23Sister, for charity, three men have entered.
27:25Where have they gone?
27:27I think they've gone that way, yes.
27:31May God bless her.
27:34One moment!
27:37They'll expect us to arrive dressed like this.
27:39Hurry, this way!
27:55Please, sister.
27:57Have you seen two strong gentlemen pass by here?
28:01No, sister.
28:03What a shame, right!
28:06Why don't they look over there?
28:09Thank you so much.
28:11You are welcome.
28:19But, Mother Superior,
28:21St. Paul does not say in the Ephesians.
28:24The woman is like a bat.
28:27You can hear her, but you can't see her.
28:31I don't think so, Sara.
28:34Shall we look in the bedrooms?
28:36Yes, yes, Mother Superior.
28:38Very good idea.
28:45Enough!
28:46Enough, enough, enough!
28:49Girls and honors,
28:50I've told you a thousand times.
28:52Fighting in the dormitories is prohibited.
28:55Who is the ringleader?
28:57You, yes, you, the ugly one.
29:03My God!
29:04He's the Archbishop of Canterbury!
29:07A man!
29:11I can, I can explain everything to you.
29:17That mother is the whole story.
29:20Let's go back to the facts.
29:22After he was appointed archbishop,
29:25She discovered she was interested in pretty dresses...
29:28...and the fine embroidery.
29:30...and unable to resist the fall into depravity,
29:34She began to dress in a nun's habit.
29:36I couldn't resist the soft touch of the underwear.
29:40I understand that.
29:42But then he forced the Bishop of Ramsgate
29:45and Brother Baldrick to do the same.
29:48Damn him for that!
29:51And finally, two drunken gentlemen were brought along.
29:53inviting them to come in and frolic with you
29:56inside the convent in an orgy of pagan perversion.
29:59Yeah.
29:59This shameful story bears the unmistakable mark of truth.
30:04And therefore I must tell you
30:05which I have written with all urgency to the three popes
30:08so that they may recommend his excommunication,
30:11so that he may never again be the Archbishop of Canterbury.
30:14Oh my God!
30:16That's enough.
30:18I think I've learned my lesson.
30:20As?
30:24Go away, sinner!
30:26And find your destiny!
30:28Come on!
30:36Come on!
30:45Come on!
30:47Come on!
30:48No, no, no, no, no!
31:21Blackadder, Blackadder, he rides a pitch black steed
31:29Blackadder, Blackadder, he's very bad indeed
31:35Black, his gloves are finest mold
31:38Black, his codepiece made of metal
31:43His horse is blacker than a vole
31:46His horse is blacker than his cattle
31:51Blackadder, Blackadder, with many a cunning plan
32:00Blackadder, Blackadder, you horrible little man
32:08It represents the corruption of the world.
32:11Yes, hell, Mother Superior
32:13I'm exhausted, you can leave.
32:16Very good
32:16Hell
32:19So tonight you won't need the unicorn, Mother
32:22No
32:24I don't know tonight
32:32Hell, Mother Superior
32:32Thank you
32:32Thank you.