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00:01Fire that sanction!
00:04Trick dodge!
00:17I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I!
00:52Oh, my God.
01:01Baldrick, what are you doing out there?
01:03I'm carving something on this bullet, sir.
01:06What are you carving?
01:07I'm carving Baldrick, sir.
01:10Why?
01:11It's a cunning plan, actually.
01:13Of course it is.
01:14You see, you know they say that somewhere there's a bullet with your name on it.
01:21Well, I thought if I owned the bullet with my name on it, I'd never get hit by it.
01:27Of course, I won't ever shoot myself.
01:30Oh, shame.
01:32The chances of there being two bullets with my name on them are very small indeed.
01:38It's not the only thing around here that's very small indeed.
01:42Your brain, for example, is so minute, Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open,
01:48there wouldn't be enough inside to cover a small water biscuit.
01:54Tally-ho, Pip-Pip, and Bernard's your uncle.
01:57In English, we say good morning.
01:59Look what I got for you, sir.
02:01What?
02:01It's the latest issue of King and Country.
02:04Oh, damn inspiring stuff.
02:06The magazine that tells the Tommies the truth about the war.
02:09Or alternatively, the greatest work of fiction since Vows of Fidelity were included in the French Marriage Service.
02:15Oh, come, come, sir.
02:16Now, you can't deny that this fine newspaper is good for the morale of the men.
02:20Certainly not.
02:21I just think that more could be achieved by giving them some real toilet paper.
02:26What with you at all, sir, what could any patriotic chap have against this magnificent mag?
02:30Apart from his bottom?
02:31Yes.
02:33Well, look at it.
02:34I mean, the stuff's about as convincing as Dr Crippen's defence lawyer.
02:39The British Tommies are all portrayed as six foot six with biceps the size of Bournemouth.
02:44Is that really inspiring stuff?
02:46No, look, sir, it's also just a ride for you this morning.
02:51Hmm.
02:52Do you know what this is, Lieutenant?
02:54Oh, it's a good old service revolver.
02:56Wrong.
02:56It's a brand new service revolver, which I've suspiciously been sent without asking for it.
03:02I smell something fishy, and I'm not talking about the contents of Baldrick's Apple Crumble.
03:10That's funny, sir, because we didn't order those new trench-climbing ladders, either.
03:14New ladders?
03:15No, it came yesterday.
03:16I issued them to the mail, and they were absolutely thrilled.
03:19Isn't that right, men?
03:20Yes, sir.
03:21First solid fuel we've had since we burned the cap, sir.
03:25Something's going on, and I think I can make an educated guess what it is.
03:29Something which you, George, would find hard to do.
03:31Oh, true, true.
03:32So, where I was at school, education could go hang as long as a boy could hit a six, sing
03:38the school song very loud, and take a hot trumpet from behind without blubbing.
03:42Now, on the other hand, I'm a fully rounded human being, with a degree from the University
03:46of Life, a diploma from the School of Hard Knocks, and three gold stars from the kindergarten
03:51of getting the shit kicked out of me.
03:54And my instincts lead me to deduce that we are at last about to go over the top.
04:00Great stutter!
04:01You mean the moment's finally arrived for us to give Harry Han a darn good British-style
04:06thrashing, six of the best, trousers down?
04:08I mean, are we all going to get killed?
04:10Yes.
04:12Clearly, Field Marshal Haig is about to make yet another gargantuan effort to move his drinks
04:16cabinet six inches closer to Berlin.
04:20Bravo, Wissamo!
04:21Well, let's make a start, eh?
04:23Up and over to glory.
04:24Last one in Berlin's or rotten egg.
04:26Give me your helmet, Lieutenant.
04:33Yes.
04:39Some sort of clever hat camouflage might be in order.
04:44Permission to speak, sir?
04:45Granted.
04:46With a due sense of exhaustion and dread.
04:49I have a cunning plan to get us out of getting killed, sir.
04:53Oh, yes.
04:53What is it?
04:54Cooking.
04:55I see.
04:57Those staff HQs always on the lookout for good cooks.
05:01Well, we go over there, we cook them something, and we get out of the trenches that way.
05:05Baldrick, it's a brilliant plan.
05:07Is it?
05:08Yes, it's superb.
05:10Permission to ride home immediately, sir.
05:12This is the first brilliant plan a Baldrick's ever had.
05:15For centuries we've tried, and they've always turned out to be total pig swill.
05:20My mother will be as pleased as Punch.
05:22Hmm, if only she were as good-looking as Punch, Baldrick.
05:26There is, however, one slight flaw in the plan.
05:30Oh.
05:30You're the worst cook in the entire world.
05:33Oh, yeah, that's right.
05:34There are amoeba on Saturn who could boil a better egg than you.
05:39Your filet mignon in sauce Bearnaise look like dog turds in view.
05:44That's because they are.
05:46Your plum duff tastes like it's a molehill decorated with rabbit droppings.
05:52I thought you wouldn't notice.
05:53And your cream custard has the texture of cat's vomit.
05:58Again, it's...
05:59If you were to serve one of your meals in Staff HQ,
06:02you'd be arrested for the greatest mass poisoning since Lucretia Borgia
06:06invited 500 of her close friends round for a wine and anthrax party.
06:11Now we'll have to think of a better plan than that.
06:14Right.
06:14How about a nice meal while you chew it over?
06:17What's on the menu?
06:19Rat.
06:21Sauté or fricassee?
06:24Oh, the agony of choice.
06:27And sauté it involves?
06:28Well, you take the freshly shaved rat
06:30and you marinate it in a puddle for a while.
06:34Mm-hmm.
06:35For how long?
06:36Till it's drowned.
06:37Then you stretch it out under a hot light bulb.
06:40Then you get within dashing distance of the latrine
06:43and you scoff it right down.
06:45So that's sautéing and fricasseeing?
06:48Exactly the same.
06:49Just a slightly bigger rat.
06:52Well, call me old Mr. Unadventurous,
06:55but I think I'll give it a missus once.
06:57Fair enough, sir.
06:58More for the rest of us, eh, sir?
06:59Absolutely private.
07:01Tally-ho, barf, barf!
07:04Hello, the Savoy Grill.
07:08No, it's you.
07:10Yes.
07:11Yes, I'll be over in 40 minutes.
07:13Who was it, then, sir?
07:14Strangely enough, Ulrich,
07:16it was Pope Gregory IX
07:18inviting me for drinks aboard his steam yacht,
07:21the Saucy Sue,
07:22currently wintering in Montego Bay
07:24with the England cricket team
07:26and the Balinese goddess of plenty.
07:29Really?
07:30No, not really.
07:31I've been ordered to HQ.
07:33No doubt that idiot General Melchett
07:35is about to offer me
07:36some attractive new opportunities
07:38to have my brains blown out for Britain.
07:49What do you want, darling?
07:54It's Captain Darling to you.
07:56General Melchett wants to see you
07:58about a highly important secret mission.
08:00What's going on, darling?
08:01Captain Blackadder to see you, sir.
08:03Ah, excellent.
08:04Just a short back and side
08:06today, I think, please.
08:08That's Corporal Black, sir.
08:10Captain Blackadder is here
08:11about the other matter, sir,
08:12the secret matter.
08:13Ah, yes, the special mission.
08:15At ease, Blackadder.
08:18Now, what I'm about to tell you
08:20is absolutely tip-top secret.
08:23Is that clear?
08:23It is, sir.
08:25Now, I've compiled a list
08:26of those with security clearance.
08:27Have you got it, darling?
08:29Yes, sir.
08:30Read it, please.
08:31It's top security, sir.
08:33I think that's all
08:33the captain needs to know.
08:34Don't judge, let's hear
08:35the list in full.
08:37Very well, sir.
08:39So, list of personnel
08:40cleared for Mission Gainsborough,
08:41as dictated by General C.H. Melchardt.
08:45You and me, darling, obviously.
08:47Field Marshal Haig,
08:49Field Marshal Haig's wife,
08:50all Field Marshal Haig's wife's friends,
08:53their families,
08:54their family's servants,
08:55their family's servants' tennis partners,
08:57and some chap I bumped into
08:58in the mess the other day
08:59called Bernard.
09:01So, it's maximum security.
09:04Is that clear?
09:05Quite clear, sir.
09:06Only myself
09:06and the rest of the
09:07English-speaking world
09:08is to know.
09:09Good man.
09:11Now,
09:11Field Marshal Haig
09:12has formulated
09:13a brilliant new tactical plan
09:16to ensure final victory
09:18in the field.
09:19Ah.
09:20Would this brilliant plan
09:21involve us climbing out
09:22of our trenches
09:23and walking very slowly
09:24towards the enemy, sir?
09:26How could you possibly know
09:27that, Blackadder?
09:28It's classified information.
09:30It's the same plan
09:31that we used last time
09:32and the 17 times before that.
09:35I-I-exactly.
09:37And that is what
09:38is so brilliant about it.
09:40It will catch
09:41the watchful hun
09:42totally off guard.
09:44Doing precisely
09:44what we've done
09:4518 times before
09:46is exactly the last thing
09:48they'll expect us
09:48to do this time.
09:50There is, however,
09:51one small problem.
09:53That everyone
09:54always gets slaughtered
09:55in the first 10 seconds.
09:56That's right.
09:57And Field Marshal Haig
09:59is worried that this
10:00may be depressing
10:00the men attached.
10:02So,
10:03he's looking to find
10:04a way to cheer them up.
10:05Well,
10:06his resignation in suicide
10:07would seem the opposite.
10:10Interesting thought.
10:11Make a note of it, darling.
10:12Oh, yes.
10:12Take a look at this.
10:14I'm sure you know it.
10:15King and country.
10:17Ah, yes.
10:18Without question,
10:18my favourite magazine.
10:20Soft, strong,
10:21and thoroughly absorbent.
10:24Stop, old Blackadder.
10:25Now, I thought it would
10:26be right up your alley.
10:31Field Marshal Haig's plan
10:33is this.
10:34To commission a man
10:35to do an especially
10:37stirring painting
10:38for the cover
10:39of the next issue
10:40so as to really inspire
10:42the men
10:42for the final push.
10:43What I want you to do,
10:44Blackadder,
10:45is to labour
10:46night and day
10:47to find a first-rate
10:48artist from amongst
10:49your men.
10:50Impossible, sir.
10:51I know from long
10:52experience that my men
10:53have all the artistic
10:54talent of a cluster
10:55of colour-blind hedgehogs
10:58in a bag.
11:02Well, that's a bit of a blur.
11:03We needed a man
11:04to leave the trenches
11:05immediately.
11:06Leave the trenches?
11:07Yes, I wonder
11:09if you've enjoyed,
11:10as I have, sir,
11:11that marvellous painting
11:12in the National Portrait Gallery,
11:14Bag Interior,
11:15by the colour-blind
11:17hedgehog workshop
11:18of Siena.
11:20I'm sorry,
11:21are you saying
11:21you can find us a man?
11:22I think I can,
11:24and might I suggest, sir,
11:25that having left
11:26the trenches,
11:26it might be a good idea
11:28to post our man
11:29to Paris
11:30in order to soak up
11:32a little of the
11:32artistic atmosphere,
11:33perhaps even Tahiti,
11:34I think,
11:35so as to produce
11:36a real masterpiece.
11:38Yes, yes,
11:39but can you find the man?
11:40Now I know
11:41I can, sir.
11:43Before you can say
11:43sunflowers,
11:44I'll have Vincent van Gogh
11:45standing before you.
11:53No, no,
11:53don't stop, sir.
11:54It's coming.
11:55It's definitely coming.
11:56I...
11:59I just wonder
12:01whether two socks
12:02and a hand grenade
12:03is really the sort of thing
12:04that covers of
12:05King and Country
12:05are made of.
12:06They will be
12:07when I've painted them
12:07being shoved up
12:08the Kaiser's backside.
12:10Ah, now,
12:11now, this is interesting.
12:13What is?
12:13Well, Private Baldrick
12:14is obviously
12:15a bit of an impressionist.
12:16The only decent impression
12:18he can do
12:18is of a man
12:19with no talent.
12:21What's it called,
12:22Baldrick?
12:22The Vomiting Cavalier?
12:26No, sir.
12:27That's not supposed
12:27to be vomit.
12:28It's dabs of light.
12:30No, it's vomit.
12:31Yes.
12:32So, uh,
12:33why did you choose that?
12:34You told me to, sir.
12:35Did I?
12:36Yeah,
12:36you told me
12:37to paint
12:37whatever comes
12:38from within.
12:39So I did my breakfast.
12:42Look,
12:42there's a little tomato.
12:44Goodness.
12:45If only I'd paid attention
12:47in nursery art class
12:48instead of spending
12:49my entire time
12:50manufacturing
12:51papier-mâché willies
12:52to frighten Sarah Wills.
12:54You know,
12:55it's funny,
12:55but painting was the only thing
12:57I was ever any good at.
12:58Well, it's a pity
12:58you didn't keep it up.
12:59Well, as a matter of fact,
13:00I did, actually.
13:01I mean,
13:02I mean,
13:03normally, of course,
13:04I wouldn't show them
13:04to anyone
13:05because they're just
13:06embarrassing daubs, really.
13:07But, you know,
13:08they give me pleasure.
13:09I'm embarrassed
13:10to show them to you now
13:11as it happens.
13:12But there you go.
13:13For what they're worth,
13:14to be honest,
13:15I should have my hands
13:16cut off.
13:17I mean,
13:17George,
13:18these are brilliant.
13:19Why didn't you tell us
13:20about these before?
13:21Well, you know,
13:22doesn't like to blow
13:23one's own trumpet.
13:24You might at least
13:25have told us
13:25you had a trumpet.
13:28These paintings
13:29could spell my way
13:30out of the trenches.
13:31Yours?
13:33That's right,
13:34ours.
13:36All we have to do
13:37is paint something heroic
13:38to appeal
13:38to the simple-minded Tommy.
13:40Over to you, Baldrick.
13:43How about
13:44a noble Tommy
13:45standing with a look
13:47of horror and disgust
13:48over the body
13:49of a murdered nun
13:50and what's been
13:51brutally done over
13:52by a nasty old German?
13:55Excellent.
13:56I can see it now.
13:57The nun
13:58and the hun.
14:00No time to lose.
14:01George,
14:02set up your easel.
14:03Baldrick and I
14:04will pose.
14:05This is going to be
14:05Art's greatest moment
14:06since Mona Lisa
14:07sat down
14:08and told Leonardo
14:08da Vinci
14:09she was in a
14:10slightly odd mood.
14:12Baldrick,
14:13you lie down
14:13in the mud
14:13and be the nun.
14:14I'm not lying down
14:15there,
14:15it's all wet.
14:16Well,
14:17let's put it this way.
14:17Either you lie down
14:18and get wet
14:18or you knock down
14:19and get a broken nose.
14:22Actually,
14:22it's not that wet,
14:23is it?
14:23No.
14:27What are you going to be
14:28then, sir?
14:29The noble Tommy?
14:30Precisely.
14:31Standing over the body
14:32of the ravaged nun.
14:33I want a wimple.
14:34Well,
14:34you should have gone
14:34before we started
14:35the picture.
14:36You know,
14:37the funny thing is,
14:38my father was a nun.
14:42No,
14:42he wasn't.
14:43He was so,
14:44sir.
14:45I know,
14:45because whenever he was
14:46up in court
14:47and the judge used
14:48to say occupation,
14:49he'd say,
14:50none.
14:55Right,
14:55you ready?
14:56Oh,
14:56just about,
14:57yes.
14:58If you'd just like
14:58to pop your clothes
14:59on the stool.
15:02I'm sorry?
15:04Just pop your clothes
15:05on the stool over there.
15:06You mean,
15:07you want me
15:08tackle out?
15:12Of course, sir.
15:13Yes.
15:14If I can remind you
15:14of the realities
15:15of battle, George,
15:16one of the first things
15:17that everyone notices
15:18is that all the protagonists
15:19have got their clothes on.
15:21Now,
15:22do we nor the Hun
15:22favour fighting our battles
15:24au naturel?
15:26What's that?
15:26It's artistic licence.
15:28It's willing suspension
15:30of disbelief.
15:31Well,
15:31I'm not having anyone
15:32staring in disbelief
15:33at my willy suspension.
15:36Now,
15:36get on and paint
15:37the bloody thing
15:37sharpish.
15:42Brilliant, George.
15:44It's a masterpiece.
15:45The Wimple Cinch,
15:46you boy.
15:47By,
15:48completely covers
15:48my face.
15:50Exactly.
15:51Now,
15:52then,
15:52General Melchard
15:53will be here
15:53at any moment.
15:54When he arrives,
15:55leave the talking to me,
15:56all right?
15:56I like to keep
15:57an informal trench,
15:58as you know,
15:59but today,
16:00you must only speak
16:01with my express permission.
16:03Is that clear?
16:04Is that clear?
16:07Permission to speak?
16:08Yes, sir.
16:09Absolutely, yes.
16:11Tension!
16:14Back out!
16:15Tension!
16:17Tension!
16:19Excellent.
16:20At ease.
16:21Now then,
16:21Blackadder,
16:22where would you like me to sit?
16:23I thought just a simple
16:24trim of the moustache today,
16:25nothing drastic.
16:26Yes, sir.
16:27We hear about the paintings, sir.
16:29Oh, yes.
16:29Of course.
16:30Good Lord!
16:31George!
16:32Ha, ha, ha!
16:33How are you,
16:34my boy?
16:37I said,
16:38how are you?
16:39Permission to speak?
16:41Absolutely,
16:41top holes are,
16:42with a ying and a yang
16:43and a yippity-doo.
16:45Splendid!
16:46And your Uncle Betty
16:47sends his regards.
16:48I told them you could
16:49have a week off in April.
16:50Don't want you missing
16:51the boat race,
16:52do him?
16:53Permission to speak?
16:54Oh, certainly not.
16:55Permission to sing
16:56boisterously, sir?
16:57If you must.
16:59Whoa, whoa, whoa,
17:00you punt gently down the stream.
17:02Belts off,
17:03trousers down,
17:04isn't life a scream?
17:06Oh!
17:10Fabulous.
17:11Universal education.
17:12You can't beat it.
17:14Bravo.
17:15Now,
17:16what have we here?
17:18Name?
17:19Permission to speak?
17:20Baldrake, sir.
17:21Oh, tally-ho,
17:23yibbity-dap
17:24and zing-zang-spillip.
17:25Looking forward
17:26to bullying off
17:27for the final chucker?
17:30Permission to speak?
17:34Answer the general, Baldrake.
17:36I can't answer him, sir.
17:37I don't know
17:38what he's talking about.
17:41Are you looking forward
17:42to the big push?
17:44No, sir.
17:45I'm absolutely terrified.
17:49The healthy humour
17:50of the honest Tommy.
17:53Don't worry, my boy.
17:54If you should falter,
17:55remember that
17:56Captain Darling and I
17:57are behind you.
17:58About 35 miles behind you.
18:02Right, well,
18:03stand by your bed.
18:04Let's have a look
18:05at this artist of yours,
18:06Blackadder.
18:07Next to me, darling.
18:08Thank you, sir.
18:09Have you found someone?
18:11Yes, sir.
18:12I think I have.
18:13None other
18:13than young George here.
18:16Oh, brother.
18:17Well, let's have a shifty, then.
18:18It's simply called
18:20War.
18:23Damn silly title, George.
18:25Looks more like a couple of socks
18:27and a stick of pineapple to me.
18:29Permission to speak, sir?
18:31Uh, I think not, actually.
18:34Quite right.
18:35If what happens
18:36when you open your mouth
18:36is anything like
18:37what happens
18:37when you open your paint box,
18:39we'll all be drenched in phlegm.
18:42Oh, no.
18:43This isn't what we're looking for
18:44at all, is it, darling?
18:45No, sir.
18:46No, sir.
18:46There is.
18:47This, sir,
18:48it's Private Baldrick's.
18:49He's called it
18:50My Family and Other Animals.
18:55Oh, good Lord, no.
18:57Well, I'm afraid
18:58that's about it, sir.
19:00Apart from
19:01this little thing.
19:03Ah, now that's more like it.
19:06Who painted this, Blackadder?
19:08Well, actually, it was me.
19:09Permission to speak
19:10really quite urgently, sir.
19:13Damn and blast your goggly eyes.
19:15Will you stop interrupting, George?
19:17Oh, this is excellent.
19:18Congratulations, man.
19:20Oh, it's totally inspiring.
19:22Makes you wonder.
19:23Jump over the top
19:24and yell
19:25Yaboo sucks to you, Fritzy.
19:28Thank you, sir.
19:29Are you sure you did this, Blackadder?
19:30Of course I'm sure.
19:32I'm afraid I don't believe you.
19:35How dare you, darling?
19:38I can't let that slurp pass.
19:39What possible?
19:40Low, suspicious,
19:42slanderous reason
19:43get this office boy.
19:45I have for thinking
19:45that I didn't paint the picture.
19:47Well, three reasons,
19:48as a matter of fact.
19:49Firstly, you're in it.
19:51It's a self-portrait.
19:54Secondly, you told us
19:55you couldn't paint.
19:56Well, one doesn't like
19:57to blow one's own trumpet.
19:58Permission?
19:59Denied.
20:01And thirdly,
20:02it's signed,
20:03George.
20:13well spotted.
20:15But not
20:17signed, George.
20:19Dedicated
20:19to George.
20:21King George.
20:22Gentlemen,
20:23the king.
20:24The king!
20:25Where?
20:27Bravo, Blackadder.
20:29I have absolutely
20:29no hesitation
20:30in appointing you
20:31our official
20:32regimental artist.
20:33You're a damn fine chap,
20:35not a pen-pushing,
20:37desk-sucking,
20:38blotter-jotter
20:38like darling here.
20:40Nay, darling?
20:41No, sir.
20:42No, sir.
20:42Well,
20:43accompany us back to HQ
20:44immediately.
20:45K, sir!
20:47Permission to jolly well
20:48speak right now, sir,
20:49otherwise I might just
20:50burst like a bunny balloon.
20:52Later, George.
20:54Much later.
20:57Congratulations
20:57on your new appointment,
20:59Blackadder.
20:59Thank you, sir.
21:01And may I say,
21:01Blackadder,
21:02I'm particularly
21:02pleased about it.
21:04Are you?
21:05Oh, yes.
21:06Now that you are
21:07our official war artist,
21:09we can give you
21:10the full briefing.
21:11The fact is,
21:12Blackadder,
21:13that the king and country
21:14cover story
21:15was just a
21:16cover story.
21:17We want you
21:18as our top
21:19painting bod
21:20to leave the trenches
21:22Good.
21:23Tonight.
21:24Suits me.
21:25And go out
21:26into no man's land.
21:31No man's land.
21:32Yes.
21:33Not Paris.
21:35No.
21:37We want you
21:38to come back
21:38with accurate drawings
21:39of the enemy positions.
21:41You want me
21:42to sit in no man's land
21:44painting pictures
21:45of the Germans.
21:47Precisely.
21:48Good man.
21:49Well,
21:49it's a very attractive
21:50proposition, gentlemen,
21:51but unfortunately
21:52not practical.
21:53You see,
21:53my medium is light.
21:55It'll be pitch dark.
21:56I won't be able
21:56to see a thing.
21:57Ah,
21:58that is a point.
21:59I tell you what,
22:00we'll send up
22:00a couple of flares.
22:02You'll be lit up
22:03like a Christmas tree.
22:05Oh, excellent,
22:06excellent.
22:06Glad I checked.
22:09All right,
22:10total and utter quiet.
22:12Do you understand?
22:13So, for instance,
22:13if any of us crawl
22:14over any barbed wire,
22:15they must,
22:16on no account,
22:17go...
22:17Ah!
22:19You've just crawled
22:20over some barbed wire,
22:21sir?
22:21No, Baldrick,
22:22I've just put my elbow
22:22on a blob of ice cream.
22:24Oh, that's all right.
22:26Now,
22:27where the hell are we?
22:27Well,
22:28it's a bit difficult to say.
22:29We appear to have crawled
22:30into an area marked
22:31with mushrooms.
22:32What do those symbols denote?
22:35That we're in a field
22:36of mushrooms?
22:37Lieutenant,
22:38that is a military map.
22:39It is unlikely to list
22:41interesting flora and fungi.
22:43Look at the key
22:44and you'll discover
22:45that those mushrooms
22:46aren't for picking.
22:47Good Lord,
22:48you're quite right, sir.
22:48It says mine.
22:51So,
22:52these mushrooms
22:53must belong to the man
22:54who made the map.
22:59Either that
23:00or we're in the middle
23:01of a mine field.
23:02Oh, dear.
23:04So,
23:04he owns the field as well.
23:09They're boring, sir.
23:10They're boring.
23:11Oh, yes.
23:12Thank you, Lieutenant.
23:14If they hit me,
23:15you'll be sure
23:15to point it out.
23:17Now, come on.
23:18Get on with your drawing
23:19and let's get out of here.
23:20Well,
23:20surely we ought to wait
23:21for the flares, sir.
23:22You see,
23:22my medium is light.
23:24Now,
23:24just use your imagination
23:25for heaven's sake.
23:27Wait a minute.
23:28That's the answer.
23:29What?
23:29I can't believe
23:30I've been so stupid.
23:32Yeah,
23:32that is unusual
23:33because you usually
23:34aren't the stupid ones.
23:35I'm not over-furnished
23:37in the brain department.
23:39Yes,
23:39well,
23:39on this occasion,
23:40I've been stupidest of all.
23:42Oh,
23:42now,
23:43sir,
23:43I will not have that.
23:45Baldrick and I
23:46will always be
23:47more stupid than you.
23:48Isn't that right,
23:49Baldrick?
23:49Stupid,
23:49stupid,
23:50stupid.
23:51Yeah.
23:51Stupid-y,
23:52stupid-y,
23:53stupid-y.
23:54The stupidest
23:54stupidest
23:55in the whole history
23:56of stupidity-ness.
24:03Finished?
24:05I think the obvious
24:06point is this.
24:07We'll go straight back
24:08to the dugout
24:09and do the painting
24:09from there.
24:10You do the most
24:12imaginative,
24:12most exciting
24:13possible drawing
24:14of German defences
24:15from your imagination.
24:17I see.
24:17Now,
24:18that is a challenge.
24:19Well,
24:19quite.
24:19Come on,
24:20let's get out of here.
24:22Oh,
24:22sir,
24:22just one thing.
24:23If we should happen
24:24to tread on a mine,
24:25what do we do?
24:28Well,
24:29normal procedure,
24:30Lieutenant,
24:31is to jump
24:31200 feet
24:32into the air
24:33and scatter
24:34yourself
24:35over a wide area.
24:37Christ!
24:40Are you sure
24:41this is what
24:41you saw,
24:42Blackheader?
24:43Absolutely.
24:43I mean,
24:44there may have been
24:44a few more
24:45armament factories
24:46and not quite
24:47as many elephants,
24:49but...
24:52Well,
24:53do you know
24:53what this means?
24:54If it's true,
24:55sir,
24:56we'll have to
24:56cancel the push.
24:58Exactly.
24:59What a nuisance.
25:02Exactly what
25:02the enemy
25:03would expect us
25:04to do
25:05and therefore
25:05exactly what
25:06we shan't do.
25:08Ah,
25:08now...
25:09If we attack
25:10where the line
25:11is strongest,
25:12then Fritz will
25:13think that our
25:13reconnaissance
25:14is a total shambles.
25:15This will lull him
25:16into a sense
25:17of full security.
25:18And then next week,
25:19we can attack
25:20where the line
25:21is actually
25:21badly defended
25:23and win the
25:24greatest victory
25:25since the
25:25Winchester
25:26flower-arranging
25:27team beat
25:28Harrow
25:29by 12 sore
25:30bottoms to one.
25:33Tell me,
25:34have you ever
25:34visited the
25:35planet Earth,
25:35sir?
25:37So,
25:38best fighting
25:39trousers on,
25:40Blackheader?
25:40Permission to
25:41shout bravo
25:42at an annoyingly
25:42loud volume,
25:43sir?
25:43Permission granted.
25:44Bravo!
25:46That's the spirit.
25:48Just your kind
25:49of caper,
25:49eh,
25:49Blackheader?
25:50Oh,
25:50yes.
25:51Good luck
25:52against those
25:52elephants.
25:56Get me a chisel
25:57and some marble,
25:58will you,
25:58Bordrick?
25:59Oh,
25:59you're taking up
26:00sculpture now,
26:01sir?
26:01No,
26:01I thought I'd
26:02get my
26:02headstone done.
26:04What are you
26:04going to put
26:05on this?
26:05Here lies
26:06Edmund Blackadder
26:07and he's
26:07bloody annoyed.
26:11We're going
26:11over,
26:12are we,
26:12sir?
26:13Yes,
26:13we are,
26:14unless I can
26:14think of some
26:15brilliant plan.
26:16Would you like
26:17some rat-o-van
26:18to help you
26:19think?
26:19Rat-o-van.
26:22Yeah,
26:22it's rat
26:23that's been run
26:24over by a van.
26:26No,
26:27thank you,
26:27Bordrick.
26:28Although,
26:29it gives me
26:30an idea.
26:32Telephone,
26:32please.
26:34I suppose
26:35Blackadder and
26:35his boys
26:36will have
26:36gone over
26:36the top
26:37by now,
26:37sir.
26:37Yes,
26:38God,
26:38I wish
26:38I was
26:39out there
26:39with them
26:39dodging the
26:40bullets
26:40instead of
26:41having to
26:41sit here
26:42drinking this
26:42Chateau Lafitte
26:43and eating
26:44these
26:45filets mignons
26:46with sauce
26:46bernese.
26:47My thoughts,
26:48exactly,
26:49sir.
26:50Damn this
26:50Chateau Lafitte.
26:52He's a very
26:52brave man,
26:53Blackadder.
26:54And,
26:54of course,
26:55that lieutenant
26:55of his,
26:56George.
26:57Cambridge man,
26:58you know.
26:58His uncle Bertie
26:59and I used
27:00to break
27:00wind for
27:01our college.
27:03Slightly,
27:03um,
27:04unusual taste,
27:06this sauce
27:06bernese.
27:07Yes,
27:08and to be
27:08quite frank,
27:09these,
27:09these mignons
27:10are a little,
27:12well.
27:13What?
27:14Well,
27:15dungy.
27:16What on earth
27:17is wrong
27:18without cook?
27:19Well,
27:19it's a rather
27:20strange story,
27:21sir.
27:22Oh,
27:22tell,
27:23tell.
27:24Well,
27:24sir,
27:25I received
27:25a phone call
27:26this afternoon
27:26from Pope
27:27Gregory IX
27:28telling me
27:29that our cook
27:30had been selected
27:32for the England
27:32cricket team
27:33and must set
27:34sail for the
27:34West Indies
27:35immediately.
27:36Really?
27:37Barely a moment
27:38later,
27:38the phone rang
27:39again.
27:39It was a trio
27:40of wandering
27:41Italian chefs
27:42who happened
27:43to be in the
27:43area offering
27:44their services.
27:45So I had
27:46the quartermaster
27:47take them on
27:47at once.
27:48Huh?
27:48Huh?
27:48Huh?
27:49Oh,
27:50dumping judges!
27:52Are you sure
27:53these are real
27:54raisins in this
27:55plum duff?
27:57Oh,
27:57yes,
27:58I'm sure
27:58they are,
27:59sir.
28:00Everything will
28:01be all right
28:01once the
28:02cream custard
28:02arrives.
28:07That was all
28:07jolly good fun,
28:08sir,
28:08but dash it
28:09all,
28:09we appear to
28:10have missed
28:10the big push.
28:12Oh,
28:12damn,
28:13so we have.
28:15One thing
28:15puzzles me,
28:16Balric.
28:17How did you
28:18manage to get
28:18so much custard
28:19out of such
28:20a small cat?
28:21and
28:47second
28:48come in,
28:51all theㅋㅋ