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00:04Many are the tales told of the Blackadder and of his faithful henchmen, Lord Percy Percy and Baldrick, son of
00:12Robin the Dungatherer.
00:13But none is told so oft with so much hitting of heads in wonder and repeating of exciting parts as
00:19this, the final chapter in the book of...
00:35What?
01:01England, 1498, St. Juniper's Day,
01:04the day on which the king would lavish new honours upon his kinfolk.
01:08St. Juniper once said,
01:11By his loins shall ye know him,
01:13and by the length of his rod shall he be measured.
01:17The length of my rod is a mystery to all but the queen and a thousand Turkish whores.
01:25But the fruits of my loins are here for all to see.
01:30I have two sons, Harry and another one.
01:37Step forward, Harry, Prince of Wales.
01:49Harry, I hereby name thee Captain of the Guard,
01:55Grand Warden of the Northern and Eastern Marchers,
01:57Chief Lunatic of the Duchy of Gloucester,
02:01Wiseroy of Wales,
02:02Sheriff of Nottingham,
02:04Marcus of the Midlands,
02:05Lord Poemaker in Ordinary,
02:07and Harbinger of the Doomed Rat.
02:14Step forward, the other one.
02:28Now, thy titles have been but few,
02:31Duke of Edinburgh and Warden of the Royal Privy.
02:33Stay there, my lord.
02:34Now, we thank thee, Egbert, for thy work in Edinburgh.
02:37No, now,
02:38but we do relieve thee of thy heavy task,
02:40and give the dukedom to our loyal cousin, Hastings.
02:43Many half-returns, Tom.
02:46Thus am I discharged the duties of Juniper.
02:50Chiswick, fresh horses,
02:52we ride at once to rebellious stoke,
02:54when it is my sworn intent
02:56to approach the city walls,
02:58bear my broad buttocks,
03:00and shout,
03:01Behold,
03:03I honour thee most highly!
03:06Hooray!
03:08Hooray!
03:10Hooray!
03:11Hooray!
03:11Hooray!
03:12Hooray!
03:13Hooray!
03:14Hooray!
03:14Hooray!
03:15Hooray!
03:16Hooray!
03:17Hooray!
03:17Hooray!
03:17Hooray!
03:18Hooray!
03:18Hooray!
03:20Hooray!
03:20Hooray!
03:20Well, it could have been worse, my lord.
03:22Yeah, there was a moment there.
03:23I thought you were going to lose the previous.
03:24Hooray!
03:25No!
03:27It will not do!
03:29Oh!
03:30No, my lord, you're right, it won't.
03:32I must clear away the chaff from my knife,
03:35and let shine forth the true wheat of greatness.
03:39Do it at once, my lord!
03:41Very well.
03:42Percy, you are dismissed from my service.
03:44Ha-ha!
03:45Hooray!
03:46Why?
03:47Because, Percy, far from being a fit consort for a prince of the realm,
03:53you would bore the leggings off a village idiot.
03:57You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would.
04:02Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly.
04:07And the part of you that can't be mentioned,
04:11I'm reliably informed by women around the court,
04:13wouldn't be worth mentioning, even if it could be.
04:16If you put on a floppy hat and a furry codpiece,
04:20you might just get by as a fool.
04:22But since you wouldn't know a joke if it got up and gave you a hairpunt,
04:27I doubt it.
04:27That is why you're dismissed.
04:31Oh, I see.
04:33And as for you, Maldrick?
04:34My lord, you're out, too.
04:40Well, I expect you'll go back to shoveling dung in the gutter where I found you.
04:46No, I shouldn't think so.
04:48No.
04:49No, it took me years to get that job.
04:51I'll probably be back milking pigs or bucking out the lepers or something.
04:56Really?
04:57Yeah, it'll be years before I get back to shoveling dung again.
05:09Get out of my way!
05:11Are you going on a journey, my lord?
05:13No, I thought I'd stand here all day and talk to you.
05:17You'd be needing someone to tend your horse, then.
05:19No, and even if I did, I wouldn't take you.
05:21I mean, look at you.
05:23What is your profession?
05:34God, a retired Morris dancer.
05:38That's all I need.
05:40Well, if you can keep up, you can come.
06:01Here he comes now.
06:05No, my god.
06:08So, Sir Wilfred Depp, your tyranny is now at an end.
06:13Prepare her to be strung by your cod legs from the bow of that tree.
06:23Oh,ύ!
06:24Ah, away!
06:31Amen.
06:31Ooh!
06:34Woah!
06:37To go…
06:38So, Wilfred, death.
06:40Edmund!
06:47I'm looking for some men to take over the kingdom.
06:51How many have you got so far?
07:02So, we are agreed.
07:05He who wins, takes the horse.
07:10Eh, there is our mark.
07:14You shoot first.
07:20Yeah, that's good.
07:24So good, in fact.
07:26I'm going to have to...
07:31Oh!
07:32Cheat.
07:35Cheat! Cheat! Cheat!
07:44Good evening.
07:46And surrender.
07:48Your money or your life.
07:51Here, take it.
07:53It's all the money I have.
07:57Now, let me pass.
08:01Oh, my dear.
08:02I'm always doing this.
08:05Did I say your money or your life?
08:08You did.
08:09Sorry.
08:10Slip of the tongue.
08:12Your money and your life.
08:22Thanks, Ned.
08:23See you Thursday.
08:26Guy.
08:28Wilfred.
08:30Now, what we need is a real bastard.
08:36Sean.
08:36The Irish bastard.
08:48Pity the blind, sir.
08:52Pity the blind, kind sir.
08:55Sir.
09:08Here.
09:09Business is very quiet this morning.
09:11Aye, everyone's gone to lunch, I think.
09:18Sean.
09:28Frau, I see her greatly for her chastity.
09:32Alas, such is the way of the world.
09:35The sweetest rose too often is plucked too soon.
09:40Yes.
09:41I wondered if you would take her while I'm gone.
09:48Yes.
09:49The answer is yes.
09:51I shall.
09:59Friar Bellows.
10:03Doing the Lord's work.
10:06I'm just administering extreme action.
10:11So, who shall be our seventh, Wilfred?
10:14Why, need I say?
10:17Jack.
10:21Not mad bully boy, Jack.
10:23A grave-robbing assassin of Aldrich.
10:25No.
10:26Then crazed animal, Jack.
10:29The kettle-rostling cannibal from Sutton Coffee.
10:33No.
10:34Then your man's sane, Jack O'Hooligan.
10:37The man-hating goat-murderer of Dingle Bay.
10:40No.
10:42Surely not Canon Jack Smollett.
10:44Senior arse deacon of the Diocese of St. Botan.
10:47The entry-leading heretic of Barton Wells.
10:49No.
10:51I'm talking of unspeakably violent Jack.
10:55The bull-buggering beast killer of the fixture world.
11:06Are you sure he's the kind of chap we're looking for?
11:09Yes.
11:12And here he comes.
11:16Oh, what do you think you're doing?
11:24Are you with us, Jack?
11:25Hey!
11:26Hey!
11:27Hey!
11:49So I kissed her on her left booty.
11:55Tell me, Jack, what is your second name?
11:59Large Jack Large.
12:01Then in our band, you shall be known as Large Jack.
12:06Why?
12:08Well, because you are so little.
12:12Why not Little Jack, then?
12:14Well, because Large Jack is more amusing.
12:18Is it?
12:21Very well, then.
12:22Little Jack.
12:25You must have mocked my size.
12:27No, no, no, no.
12:28No, of course not.
12:30I'm in, Keeper.
12:30Some more beer.
12:31Hooray!
12:33Six Large Beers.
12:34And another Large Beers.
12:39Let us then go on to the plan.
12:43A motto for our enterprise.
12:46Blessed are the meek.
12:49For they shall be slaughtered.
12:53Wait, wait, wait.
12:54The plan.
12:55You've forgotten the plan.
12:56I thought that was the plan.
12:57Let's get those meek bastards now.
13:01Quiet!
13:03Who wants quiet?
13:05I want chaos!
13:10And slaughtered!
13:13Flour!
13:14No!
13:15What?
13:17Mercilessly crushed underfoot!
13:20Silence!
13:22Silence!
13:23Silence!
13:24Peace!
13:25The word of the Lord.
13:27For Christ's sake, let's hear the plan.
13:29The plan.
13:30Very well.
13:31The plan is simple.
13:32I thought it was cunning.
13:34Don't worry, the plan!
13:36Well, it's cunning and it's simplest.
13:40Tonight, I ride for home.
13:42I say strike now while the iron is hot.
13:46But the iron isn't hot.
13:47Isn't it?
13:48No, it's just warming up.
13:51But when it is hot, then we will strike.
13:54What?
13:55Oh, we're going to have to wait till summer.
13:58No, when the iron is hot.
14:00What iron?
14:02Well, then.
14:03Howie Howard agreed.
14:04I shall send for you all.
14:05How?
14:06Well, by a message, a sign.
14:09What sort of sign?
14:10Well, um, something black, probably.
14:14Like voting.
14:17Right.
14:18A messenger with the black plague, perhaps.
14:22Yes, that's right.
14:23He means to kill us.
14:25What?
14:26A messenger with black hair.
14:30Ah!
14:31A black-headed messenger!
14:34And when he comes to you, drop whatever you are doing and speed with all haste to Jasper's
14:41tavern.
14:41Hooray!
14:42I know it well.
14:43How is old Jasper these days?
14:45Dead.
14:46Ow.
14:46I killed him.
14:49From there, from there, I shall take you to the castle where we will capture the king
14:54and the queen and the prince.
14:56Hooray!
14:57And we shall say to them, the kingdom of Albion is ours.
15:01Hooray!
15:02You are doomed to lives of exile.
15:06Get out!
15:09Yes?
15:10Exile.
15:11For life.
15:14But why didn't we just kill them?
15:19I suppose we could kill them.
15:21Yeah!
15:23Wait till I send a sign.
15:26If I get a messenger with blackheads all over each other, it isn't a trap.
15:35Because the black adder gives you his word.
15:40We want your word, not this black adder, fellows.
15:44But I am the black adder.
15:48Oh, I see.
15:50And when all is done, the black seal shall rule England.
15:55Hooray!
15:56We few, we happy few, we band of ruthless bastards.
16:02Hooray!
16:04Hooray!
16:04All for one!
16:05And each man for himself!
16:14We're in a merry mood, my lord.
16:16Oh, yes.
16:17No one can stop me now.
16:19No one?
16:20No, no one.
16:24Except perhaps...
16:25No, not even him.
16:27And who might that be, my lord?
16:30Well, there was a man.
16:34Philip of Burgundy.
16:37Known to his enemies as...
16:39The Hawk.
16:41We were deadly childhood rivals.
16:44Although, of course, in those days he was known as...
16:47The Trush.
16:49But no one's heard of him for years.
16:53Well, come on.
16:54Let's go.
16:55We've got work to do.
16:57It's hard so far, Statenborough.
17:00This Hawk.
17:01Did he look something like this?
17:19Not really, no.
17:24Oh, my God.
17:26Philip of Burgundy.
17:28Known to my enemies as...
17:32The Hawk.
17:35But, but your horse used to be a huge, brown...
17:41Yes, that's the one.
17:45Well, it's been very good to see you, uh...
17:49Phil.
17:51This time, not fast enough.
17:53What do you want with me?
17:55What do you want with me?
17:55I'll tell you later.
18:04I return at last after 15 years.
18:07And, and what have you been up to?
18:10Waiting, plotting, nurturing my hatred and planning my revenge.
18:14Ah, so you've kept yourself busy.
18:17Yes.
18:1815 years in France teaches a man to hate.
18:2215 years of wearing perfume, 15 years of eating France, 15 years of saying pardon.
18:29And all because of you.
18:33But surely, the scenery...
18:35I never went outside.
18:36I couldn't stand this.
18:38What has all this got to do with me?
18:40Because, Edmund, it is going to take you 15 years...
18:46...to die.
18:49Senior?
18:49Yes.
18:50How?
18:50I think it might be more amusing if you found out for yourself.
18:54Let us just say it has something to do with...
18:59...slaves.
19:07Oh, my God!
19:08Where are you going?
19:09Fire to the castle to kill the royal family and claim the throne that isn't mine by right.
19:23Dear Lord, who made the birds, and the bees, and the snails, presumably...
19:32...a little animal, too, in my despair.
19:37I have been a sinner, but now I intend to follow the path of the saints, particularly the very religious
19:46ones.
19:48In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.
19:51Amen.
19:53Amen!
19:54What?
19:56Amen, I say.
19:58But, Samantha, did I get it wrong?
19:59I haven't said that word for 20 years, you see?
20:02Who are you?
20:03I... I... I didn't realise I had company.
20:06Oh, company?
20:07I haven't said that word for 20 years, either.
20:09Or realise.
20:10I've completely forgotten.
20:12Realise.
20:13No, you're not mad, are you?
20:14Yes, I'm very mad, thank you.
20:16Mad!
20:17That's the word I know.
20:19I say to myself every day, I say,
20:20Good morning, Mad Gerald, how are you today?
20:23I say, I'm completely mad today, thank you.
20:25There's not much change there, then, is there, Gerald?
20:27I say, no.
20:28Well, you'd be mad to expect any, wouldn't you?
20:31But I am mad!
20:32Quiet!
20:32I'm mad, Gerald!
20:33Quiet!
20:35Shh!
20:35Shh!
20:38Look, this may seem a stupid question.
20:40Question?
20:41Yes, sir.
20:41But you don't know if there's a way out of here, do you?
20:44A way out?
20:47What?
20:47Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
20:55Anh-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
21:09Um, a way out, you say?
21:13I haven't said those words, a way out, for, ooh, 20 years.
21:19Yes, yes, 20 years.
21:21Not like Mr. Rat.
21:24I'm always saying Mr. Rat.
21:27Mr. Rat.
21:29I tend to say, good morning, Mr. Rat.
21:32Uh, how are you today?
21:34And he said, um, beep, beep.
21:47Oh, no, you mustn't be rude about Mr. Rat.
21:51He's my best friend.
21:54Yes.
21:56Wow!
21:59There's him and there's Mr. King.
22:02What?
22:03Mr. King.
22:06I made him out of my own key.
22:12Good morning, Mr. King.
22:14Go right now.
22:18Turn the bloody door off!
22:23Stop! Stop!
22:26Where are you going?
22:28I'll tell you where.
22:29Where I can sell these six black omen pigeons I've got in the back here, that's where.
22:34Black omen pigeons?
22:36Well, mostly.
22:38How much are they?
22:40Six shilling.
22:42Damn!
22:43I suppose if you beat me and gagged me and tied me to that tree over there, you'd be that
22:48old for less.
22:48Margaux!
22:50All right.
22:53Oh!
22:58Oh!
23:01Oh!
23:07Oh!
23:11Oh!
23:13Oh!
23:15Ah!
23:16Oh!
23:17Oh, my God!
23:42At the striking of ten bells,
23:46I shall claim the throne.
24:06Gentlemen, to what do I owe this pleasure?
24:19To me, Burgundy!
24:22Edmund, I had not expected to see you again.
24:25No, dead men don't tend to make social calls, do they?
24:30Prepare to die!
24:32Wait!
24:34Let me say just one last thing.
24:36If these men are indeed, as they seem to be, the six most evil men in the land...
24:41Yes, they are.
24:42Your last sentence, please.
24:44Then they've made a pretty damn peculiar choice for their leader, haven't they?
24:47I, my lord warden of the privilege!
24:50You think they should have chosen you?
24:53Thrush?
24:55A man twisted by unbridled ambition?
24:59A man tortured by insatiable greed?
25:03The most evil man in the world!
25:07You think they should have chosen you?
25:09Yes!
25:10Hooray!
25:12But he's a mindless killer!
25:14Hooray!
25:16He'll destroy the kingdom!
25:18Hooray!
25:18He murdered his own family!
25:21Well, who didn't?
25:22I certainly killed mine.
25:23And I killed mine.
25:24And I killed yours.
25:25Did you?
25:26Yes.
25:26Good on you, father!
25:28Are you with me, then?
25:29Yes!
25:30Prepare to die!
25:32Wait!
25:34I have a more amusing method.
25:38Amusing for who, my wonder?
25:40Gentlemen!
25:47In precisely one minute, the spike will go up your never.
25:55The shears will cut off your ears.
25:59Is that so?
26:00Yes!
26:03Then these axes will chop off your hands.
26:06And I do not think we need to go into the attributes of the coddling grinder!
26:15These feathers here will tickle you under what's left of your arms.
26:21And that is the amusing part.
26:28Gentlemen!
26:29Let us go and slaughter all the rest of the royal family!
26:33God save the king!
26:35Cause nobody else will!
26:39Oh!
26:41Oh!
26:43Stop!
26:44First let us relieve these wenches of their delightful burden.
26:48And drink a toast to our enterprise.
26:51May good thrive!
26:53Over our dead bodies!
26:55Ha-ha-ha-ha!
27:13Hmmm, it's got a bit of a sting in its tail!
27:40Oh, Edmund!
27:43Edmund!
27:44Edmund!
27:45Edmund!
27:46He lives!
27:51Father, Father, you called me Edmund.
27:57Sorry, Edgar, how are you?
28:01Not so well.
28:04Harry, what do you think my chances are?
28:10Oh, good!
28:11Good!
28:12He will live!
28:13Hmm?
28:14Oh, no.
28:15Sorry, I thought you meant your chances of going to heaven.
28:19Damn!
28:21Never fear, my son.
28:24Your body may be mutilated beyond recognition, but your spirit will live forever!
28:30My lords!
28:31What did you say?
28:32I give you...
28:35Edgar!
28:39I told you to poison the black seals and goblins, not poison the whole vat!
28:43Edgar!
28:44Edgar!
28:45Edgar!
28:46What is it?
28:50The black dagger!
28:52Edgar!
28:54Edgar!
28:56May his name last as long as our dynasty!
29:12Good lord.
29:14I wonder if it was the wine.
29:26no seems perfectly all right to me
29:32and now at last i shall be king of
29:46so now the wage of sin is paid
29:53the blade is done, the blackstead grazes
30:01the only sound across the glade
30:09is Edmund pushing up the daisies
30:20blackadder, blackadder
30:22a shame about the plan
30:34blackadder, blackadder
30:37thou art your horrid man
30:54don't drink the wine
30:56you
30:57you
30:57you
30:59you
31:01you
31:01you
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