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00:01Fight that center!
00:04Trick dodge!
00:17High-edge strike!
00:26High-edge strike!
00:46You're a bit cheesed off, sir!
00:48George, the day this war began, I was cheesed off.
00:51Within ten minutes of you turning up,
00:53I'd finished the cheese and moved on to the coffee and cigars.
00:57And at this late stage, I'm in a cab with two lady companions
01:00on my way to the pink pussycat in Lower Regent Street.
01:04Well, because if you are cheesed off, sir,
01:05you know what would cheer you up?
01:07Well, that's a Charlie Chaplin film.
01:09Oh, I love old chappers. Don't you, Cap?
01:12Unfortunately, no, I don't.
01:13I find this film's about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck
01:16and then discovering there's a gas bill tied to it.
01:20Oh, beg pardon, sir, but come off!
01:24His films are ball-beltingly funny.
01:28Rubbish.
01:29Well, all right, let's consult the men for a casting vote, shall we, Baldrick?
01:32Sir!
01:33Charlie Chaplin, Baldrick, what do you make of him?
01:35Oh, sir, he's as funny as a vegetable
01:37that's grown into a rude and amusing shape, sir.
01:41So you agree with me? Not at all funny.
01:44Oh, come on, Skip, I played fair in that last film of his.
01:48When he kicked that fellow in the backside, I thought I'd die.
01:51Well, if that's your idea of comedy, we can provide our own
01:54without expending a halfpenny for the privilege.
01:58There, do you find that funny?
01:59Oh, no, of course not, sir.
02:01But you see, Chaplin is a genius.
02:03He certainly is a genius, George.
02:05He invented a way of getting paid a million dollars a year
02:07for wearing a pair of stupid trousers.
02:10Did you find that funny, Baldrick?
02:11What funny, sir?
02:15That funny.
02:16No, sir.
02:17And you mustn't do that to me, sir,
02:19because that is a bourgeois act of repression, sir.
02:23What?
02:24And you smelt it, sir.
02:26There's something afoot in the wind.
02:29The huddled masses yearning to be free.
02:34Baldrick, have you been to the diesel oil again?
02:37No, sir, I've been supping the milk of freedom.
02:41Already our Russian comrades are poised on the brink of revolution.
02:44And here too, sir, the huddled wasp names such as myself, sir,
02:49are ready to throw off the hated oppressors like you and the lieutenant.
02:53Present company accepted, sir.
02:55Go and clean out the latrines.
02:58Yes, sir. Right away, sir.
03:00You see, now the reason why Chaplin is so funny
03:04is because he's part of the great British music hall tradition.
03:07No, yes, the great British music hall tradition.
03:10Two men with incredibly unconvincing cockney accents going,
03:13what's up with you then?
03:14What's up with me then?
03:15Yeah, what's up with you then?
03:16I'll tell you what's up with me then.
03:17I'm right browned off.
03:18That's what's up with me.
03:19Right browned off, you're right.
03:20Get on with it!
03:22Now, sir, that was funny.
03:25You should go on the boards yourself.
03:27Thank you, George.
03:28But if you don't mind,
03:29I'd rather have my tongue beaten wafer thin by a steak tenderiser
03:33and then staple to the floor with a croquet hoop.
03:36Sir! Sir!
03:38Sir!
03:38It's all over the trenches!
03:40Well, mop it up then.
03:42No, sir!
03:43The news!
03:44The Russian Revolution have started!
03:46The masses have risen up and shot all their knobs!
03:50Well, hurrah!
03:51Oh, no, the bloody Russians have pulled out of the war.
03:54Well, we soon saw them off, didn't we, sir?
03:57Miserable, slant-eyed, sausage-eating swine.
04:01The Russians are on our side.
04:04And they've abandoned the Eastern Front.
04:06And they've over-frown Nicholas the Second,
04:08who used to be bizarre.
04:11Who used to be the Tsar, boy.
04:14The point is,
04:15that now the Russians have made peace with the Kaiser,
04:18at this very moment,
04:19over three-quarters of a million Germans
04:20are leaving the Russian Front
04:22and coming over here
04:23with the express purpose
04:24of using my nipples for target practice.
04:27There's only one thing for it.
04:28I'm going to have to desert.
04:29And I'm going to do it right now.
04:31Are you leaving us, Blackadder?
04:33No, sir.
04:34Well, I'm relieved to hear it,
04:35because I need you to help me
04:36shoot some deserters later on.
04:40There have been subversive mutterings amongst the men.
04:43You'll recall the French army last year at Verdun,
04:45where the top echelon suffered
04:46from horrendous uprisings from the bottom.
04:50Yes, sir, but surely that was traced
04:52to a shipment of garlic eclairs.
04:54Nonsense, Blackadder.
04:55It was bolshiness.
04:57Plain bolshiness.
04:58And now that the Ruskies have followed suit,
05:00I'm damned if I'm going to let the same thing happen here.
05:03Oh.
05:04And what are you going to do about it, sir?
05:05We're going to have a concert party
05:07to boost the men's morale.
05:09A concert party?
05:10Well, hurrah!
05:13You fancy an evening at a concert party, Blackadder?
05:16Well, frankly, sir,
05:17I'd rather spend an evening
05:18on top of a stepladder in no man's land,
05:20smoking endless cigarettes
05:21through a luminous balaclava.
05:24Yes, I didn't think it would be quite your cup of tea.
05:28But I do need someone to help me organise it, you know.
05:31Obviously not a tough, grizzled soldier like yourself,
05:34but some kind of damp-eyed Nancy boy
05:37who'd be prepared to spend the rest of the war
05:39in the London Palladium.
05:42The show is going to the London Palladium, sir?
05:44Oh, yes, of course.
05:46It's no good crushing a revolution over here
05:48only to get back home to Blighty
05:49and find that everybody's wearing overalls
05:51and breaking wind in the palaces of the mighty.
05:54Good point, sir.
05:56Now, the thing is, Blackadder,
05:57finding a man to organise a concert party
05:58is going to be damned difficult,
06:00so I've come up with rather a cunning set of questions
06:02with which to test a candidate's suitability for the job.
06:05Oh.
06:06And what sort of questions would these be, sir?
06:08Well, the first question is,
06:09do you like Charlie Chaplin?
06:13Dismissed, Lieutenant.
06:15Do you like Charlie Chaplin?
06:16Yes, that is a good question for a candidate,
06:18to which my answer would, of course, be,
06:20yes, I love him.
06:22Love him, sir.
06:23Particularly the amusing kicks.
06:25That's funny, sir,
06:25because I thought you said...
06:26Goodbye, George.
06:28And the second question is,
06:30do you like Music Hall?
06:32Ah, yes.
06:33Another good question, sir.
06:35Again, my answer would have to be,
06:36yes, absolutely love it.
06:38Oops, Mr. Rothschild,
06:40our director...
06:42Hmm, yes.
06:43Well, you see, it's my view, Blackadder,
06:45that the kind of person who would answer yes
06:46to both of those questions
06:47would be ideal for the job...
06:50Wait a minute!
06:52What, sir?
06:54Why, without knowing it, Blackadder,
06:56you've inadvertently shown me
06:59that you could do the job!
07:02Have I, sir?
07:04Yes, sir!
07:04You have, sir!
07:05And I want you to start work straight away.
07:08A couple of shows over the weekend,
07:09and if all goes well,
07:10we'll start you off in London,
07:12um, next Monday.
07:14Oh, damn.
07:15Um, if you need any help, um,
07:18fetching and carrying and, uh,
07:20backstage and so on,
07:21I'll lend you my driver, if you like.
07:22Bob!
07:27Driver Parkhurst reporting for duty, sir!
07:29All right, at ease, Bob.
07:30Stand easy.
07:31Captain Blackadder, this is Bob.
07:33Bob?
07:35Good morning, sir.
07:37Unusual name for a girl.
07:39Well, yes, it would be an unusual name for a girl,
07:41but it's a perfectly straightforward name
07:43for a young chap like you, eh, Bob?
07:46Now, Bob, I want you to bunk up with Captain Blackadder
07:48for a couple of days, all right?
07:50Yes, sir.
07:51I think you'll find Bob's just the man for this job, Blackadder.
07:53He has a splendid sense of humour.
07:56He, sir? He? He?
07:58You see? You're laughing already!
08:01All right.
08:02Well, now, Bob, I'll leave you two together.
08:04Why don't you, uh, get to know each other,
08:06play a game of cribbage,
08:07have a smoke, something like that.
08:08They tell me that Captain Blackadder
08:09has rather a good line in rough shag.
08:13I'm sure he'd be happy to fill your pipe.
08:16Very on.
08:20Sir, you're a chap, are you, Bob?
08:22Oh, yes, sir.
08:27You wouldn't say you were a girl at all?
08:29Oh, definitely not, sir.
08:31I understand cricket, I fart in beds, everything.
08:35Well, let me put it another way, Bob.
08:36You are a girl,
08:37and you're a girl with as much talent for disguise
08:40as a giraffe in dark glasses
08:42trying to get into a polar bears-only golf club.
08:46Oh, sir, sir, please don't give me away, sir.
08:49I just want you to be like my brothers and join up.
08:51I want to see how a war is fought so badly.
08:55Well, you've come to the right place, Bob.
08:57A war hasn't been fought this badly
08:59since Olaf the Hairy,
09:01High Chief of all the Vikings,
09:02accidentally ordered 80,000 battle helmets
09:05with the horns on the inside.
09:08I want to do my bit for the boys, sir.
09:11Oh, really?
09:12I'll do anything, sir.
09:15Yes, I'd keep that to yourself if I was you.
09:17All right, Bob.
09:19The second half starts with Corporal Smith and Johnson
09:22as the three silly twerps.
09:23All right, sir.
09:24The big joke being there's only two of them.
09:29I love that.
09:30That always cracks me up, sir.
09:33Followed by Balric's impersonation of Charlie Chaplin.
09:42Yes.
09:43Bob, take a telegram.
09:45Yes, sir.
09:45Mr. C. Chaplin.
09:47Senate Studios, Hollywood, California.
09:49Congrats, stop.
09:50Have discovered only person in the world less funny than you.
09:54Name, Balric, stop.
09:56Lord E. Blackadder, stop.
09:58Oh, and put a P.S.
09:59Please, please, please, stop.
10:02And then after that, we have, ladies and gentlemen,
10:06the highlight of our show.
10:07Ta-da!
10:14I feel fantastic.
10:18Gorgeous Georgina.
10:20The traditional soldier's drag act.
10:22You look absolutely lovely, sir.
10:25Balric, you are either lying, blind or mad.
10:29Lieutenant looks like all soldiers look on these occasions,
10:31about as feminine as W.G. Grace.
10:34What are you going to give them, George?
10:36Well, I thought one or two cheeky gags.
10:39Followed by she was only the ironmonger's daughter,
10:42but she knew a surprising amount about fish as well.
10:48Inspired.
10:49Well, at least you made an effort with the dress.
10:51What about your costume, Balric?
10:52I mean it, sir.
10:54I see.
10:54So your Charlie Chaplin costume consists of that hat.
10:58Yes, sir.
10:59Except that in this box,
11:01I have a dead slug as a brilliant false moustache.
11:07Yes, only quite brilliant, I fear.
11:09How, for instance, are you to attach it to your face?
11:11Well, I was hoping to persuade the slug to cling on, sir.
11:15Balric, the slug is dead.
11:18If it failed to cling on to life,
11:19I see no reason why it's wished to cling on to your upper lip.
11:24Balric, Balric, come on.
11:26Slugs are always a problem.
11:27What you've got to do is screw your face up like this.
11:29You see?
11:30And then you can clamp it between your top lip and your nose.
11:33Well, like this, sir.
11:34That's it, that's it.
11:35That's been...
11:36Right.
11:37Sir!
11:37Sir!
11:38There's a visitor to see you.
11:40Good Lord, Mr Chaplin.
11:43This is indeed an honour.
11:45Why?
11:46Of course, for some sort of celebration.
11:47Balric!
11:48Balric!
11:50Sir, that is extraordinary, because...
11:56Because, you see, this isn't Chaplin at all.
11:59This is Balric!
12:00It is!
12:01It's me, sir!
12:04I know.
12:06I know.
12:07I was, in fact, being sarcastic.
12:10Oh, I see.
12:12Everything goes above your head, doesn't it, George?
12:15You should go to Jamaica and become a limbo dancer.
12:22They love him, sir. We're a hit.
12:25Yes, in one short evening, I've become the most successful impresario
12:28since the manager of the Roman Coliseum
12:30thought of putting the Christians and the lions on the same bill.
12:34Sir, some people seem to think that I was best.
12:37Would you agree?
12:38Balric, in the Amazonian rainforests, there are tribes of Indians
12:41as yet untouched by civilisation
12:43who have developed more convincing Charlie Chaplin impressions than yours.
12:47Oh, thank you very much, sir.
12:49He's coming off!
12:51What do you think, Bob? One more?
12:54God, I love the theatre!
12:58It's in my blood and in my soul.
13:01Oh!
13:01Balric, put those in some water, will you?
13:03Yes, sir!
13:04Oh!
13:07I need that applause in the same way that, er,
13:10that an Osler needs his...
13:12Ossle!
13:13Well done, sir!
13:15No, really, I was...
13:17Well, I was hopeless.
13:19I mean, tell me honestly, sir, I was, wasn't I?
13:20Well...
13:21No, no, come on, sir, up with it,
13:22because I need to know, really, I was hopeless.
13:24No, well...
13:24You're trying to be nice, and that's very sweet of you, sir,
13:27but please, come on, I can take it, I was hopeless.
13:29George, you were bloody awful.
13:34But you can't argue with the box office.
13:36Personally, I thought you were the least convincing female impressionist
13:39since Tarzan went through Jane's handbag and ate her lipstick.
13:43But I'm clearly in a minority.
13:45Look out, London, here we come.
13:52Ah, Captain Darling.
13:53Ah, Captain Blackadder.
13:55I must say, I had an absolutely splendid evening.
13:58Oh, glad you enjoyed the show.
14:00The show?
14:01No, I didn't go to the show.
14:03Important regimental business.
14:05A lorry load of paperclips arrive.
14:09Two lorry loads, actually.
14:12Welcome to the great director.
14:16Maestro.
14:17You enjoyed it, sir?
14:18Well, it was mostly awful, but, er,
14:20I enjoyed the slug balance, sir.
14:25Private Baldrick, sir.
14:27That's right, yes.
14:28Slug fell off a couple of times, but you can't, er,
14:30can't have everything, can you?
14:32I'd just suggest a bit more practice and, er,
14:34perhaps a little sparkly costume for the slug.
14:38I'll pass that on, sir.
14:40But I do have certain other reasons for believing the show to be nothing but a triumph.
14:46Captain Darling, er, has your travel arrangements, er, ticket to Dover, rooms at the Ritz and so forth.
14:51Oh, thank you, sir.
14:52However, there is one small thing you might do for me.
14:57Yes.
14:59Captain Blackadder, I should esteem it a signal honour if you would allow me to escort your leading lady to
15:05the regimental ball this evening.
15:08My leading lady?
15:09The fair Georgina.
15:11Ah, ha, ha.
15:12Very amusing.
15:14Do you think she'll laugh in my face? I'm too old, too crusty?
15:17Er, no.
15:19No, it's just that as her director, I'm afraid I could not allow her.
15:22Well, I could always find another director who would allow it.
15:26Quite.
15:27Well, I'll see what I can do, but I must insist that she be home by midnight and that there
15:31be no hanky-panky, sir, whatsoever.
15:34I shall, of course, respect your wishes, Blackadder.
15:36However, I don't think you need to be quite so protective.
15:38I'm sure she's a girl with a great deal more spunk than most women, you find.
15:44Oh, dear me.
15:46Absolutely not, sir.
15:48It's profoundly immoral and utterly wrong. I will not do it.
15:51We can always find another leading lady.
15:54Well, the dress will need a clean.
15:56Excellent.
15:57Now, the important thing is that Melchitz should, under no circumstances, realize that you're a man.
16:01Yes, yes, I understand that.
16:03In order to ensure this, there are three basic rules.
16:06One, you must never, I repeat, never remove your wig.
16:10All right.
16:11Second, never say anything.
16:13I'll tell you at the beginning of the evening that you're saving your voice for the opening night in London.
16:17Excellent, sir. And what's the third?
16:19The third is most important.
16:20Don't get drunk and let him shag you on the veranda.
16:30How do I look, darling?
16:34Girl bait, sir. Pure bloody girl bait.
16:37Mustache, bushy enough?
16:38Like a privet head, sir.
16:40No.
16:41Good, because I want to catch a particularly beautiful creature in this bush tonight.
16:47I'm sure you'll be camming women out of your moustache for weeks, sir.
16:50God, it's a spankingly beautiful world. And tonight's my night. I know exactly what I'll say to her. Darling.
16:58Yes, sir?
17:00What?
17:01Um, I don't know, sir.
17:03Well, don't butt him.
17:04Sorry, sir.
17:05I want to make you happy, darling.
17:07Well, that's very kind of you, sir.
17:09Will you kindly stop interrupting?
17:11If you don't listen, how can you tell me what you think?
17:14I want to make you happy, darling. I want to build a nest for your ten tiny toes.
17:19I want to cover every inch of your gorgeous body in pepper and then sneeze all over you.
17:25Really, sir?
17:26I must protest.
17:27What is the matter with you, darling?
17:29Well, it's just all so sudden, sir.
17:33I mean, the nest bit's fine, but the pepper business is definitely out.
17:37How dare you tell me how I may or may not treat my beloved Georgina?
17:41Georgina?
17:42Yes. I'm working out what I want to say to her this evening.
17:45Oh, yes. Of course. Thank God.
17:49All right?
17:50Yes, sir. Listening, sir.
17:51Honestly, darling, you really are the most graceless, dim-witted bumpkin I ever met.
17:57I don't think you should say that to her.
17:59No!
18:02Where the hell's that, George?
18:04It's three o'clock in the morning.
18:05He should be careful wandering around the trench at night with nothing to protect his honour but a cricket box.
18:11Hello, Captain.
18:13About time. Where the hell have you been?
18:15Oh, I don't know. It's all been like a dream, my very first boy.
18:19The music, the dancing, the champagne. My mind is a mad whirl of half-whispered conversations with the promise of
18:27indiscretion ever hanging in the air.
18:29No, that old stoat Melcher tried for a snog behind the fruit cup.
18:34Certainly not.
18:35The general behaved like a perfect gentleman.
18:37We tired the moon without talking about everything and nothing.
18:41The war, marriage, proposed changes to the LBW rule.
18:47Melcher isn't married, is he?
18:48No, no. All his life, he's been waiting to meet the perfect woman.
18:51And at last, tonight, he did.
18:53Well, some poor unfortunate had old walrus face dribbling in her ear all evening, did you?
18:58Well, yes. As a matter of fact, I did have to drape a napkin over my shoulder, yes.
19:05George, are you trying to tell me that you are the general's perfect woman?
19:09Well, yes, I rather think I am.
19:13Well, thank God the horny old blighter didn't ask you to marry him.
19:20You did?
19:22Well, how did you get out of that one?
19:24Well, to be honest, sir, I'm absolutely certain that I did.
19:27What?
19:27Well, you can't understand what it was like, sir.
19:30You know, the candles, the music, the huge moustache.
19:34I don't know what came over me.
19:36You said yes?
19:37Oh, after all, sir, he is a general.
19:39I didn't really feel I could refuse.
19:41He might have had me court-martialed.
19:43Whereas, on the other hand, of course, he's going to give you the Victoria Cross
19:46when he lifts up your frock on the wedding night
19:49and finds himself looking at the last turkey in the shop.
19:53Yes, I am.
19:55I know it's a mess, sir, but you see, you got me squiffy,
19:57and then when he looked into my eyes and said,
20:00Chipmunk, I love you.
20:02Chipmunk?
20:03Yes, but it's his special name for me, you see.
20:06He says my nose looks just like a chipmunk.
20:08Oh, God.
20:09Well, it's serious, serious trouble here.
20:11If the general ever finds out the gorgeous Georgina
20:14is in fact a strapping six-footer from the rough end of the trench,
20:17it could precipitate the fastest execution since someone said,
20:21this Guy Fawkes bloke, do we let him off or what?
20:25PHONE RINGS
20:28Hello?
20:30Yes, sir.
20:31Straight away, sir.
20:33That was your fiancée.
20:37Chipmunk.
20:38He wants to see me.
20:40If I should die, think only this of me.
20:43I'll be back to get you.
20:50Sir, I can explain everything.
20:53Can you, Blackadder? Can you?
20:55Well, no, sir, not really.
20:58I thought not. I thought not.
21:01Who can explain the mysteries of love?
21:04I'm in love with Georgina, Blackadder.
21:06I'm going to marry her on Saturday and I want you to be my best man.
21:11I don't think that would be a very good idea, sir.
21:14And why not?
21:15Because there's something wrong with your fiancée, sir.
21:19Oh, my God, she's not Welsh, is she?
21:23No, sir. It's a terrible story, but true.
21:26Just a few minutes ago, Georgina arrived unexpectedly in my trench.
21:30She was literally dancing with joy, as though something wonderful had happened to her.
21:35Makes sense.
21:36Unfortunately, she was in such a daze, she danced straight through the trench and out into no-man's land.
21:42I tried to stop her, but before I could say,
21:44don't tread on a mine, she trod on a mine.
21:49Well, I say a mine, it was more a cluster of mines.
21:52And she was blown into smithereens, and as she rocketed up into the air,
21:57she said something I couldn't quite catch, totally incomprehensible to me,
22:00something like, tell him his little chipmunk will love him forever, I mean...
22:05No! Howl! Howl! Howl! Howl!
22:11Oh, it's heartbreaking, sir.
22:13I'm sorry, sir.
22:14Well, can't be helped, can't be helped.
22:18Well, it's jolly bad luck, sir.
22:19Hey-ho.
22:20And, of course, on top of everything else,
22:22without your leading lady, you won't be able to put on the show.
22:25So no show, no London Palladium.
22:29On the contrary.
22:30I was simply intending to rename it
22:32The Georgina Melchit Memorial Show.
22:35Oh, no! Georgina was the only thing that made the show come alive!
22:39Apart from her, it was all awful!
22:42Awful?
22:42Yes, you'll never find another girl like Georgina by tomorrow!
22:46Well, it's funny you should say that, sir, because I think I already have.
22:50Who is she?
22:51Who is she? So, come on, sir, who is she?
22:53Well, that's the problem, isn't it? Having a bloody clue!
22:56The only attractive woman around here is carved out of stone, called Venus,
23:01and is standing in a fountain in the middle of the town square with water coming out of her armpits.
23:06So, we're a bit stuck.
23:08Morning, chaps.
23:08Morning, Bob.
23:09Morning, Bob.
23:10You can say that again, George.
23:12We're in the stickiest situation since Sticky the Stick Insect got stuck on a sticky bun.
23:19We are in trouble.
23:20Not any longer, sir.
23:26May I present my cunning plan?
23:30Don't be ridiculous, Bowling. Can you sing? Can you dance? Or are you offering to be sawn in half?
23:36I don't think those things are important in a modern marriage, sir.
23:40I offer simple home cooking.
23:43Well, our plan is to find a new leading lady for our show.
23:47What is your plan?
23:49My plan is that I will marry General Melchit.
23:53I am the other woman.
23:56Ah, well, congratulations, Baldrick. I hope you'll be very happy.
24:00I will, sir.
24:01Because when I get back from honeymoon, I will be a member of the aristocracy, and you will have to
24:06call me me lady.
24:08What happened to your revolutionary principles, Baldrick? I thought you hated the aristocracy.
24:12I'm working to bring down the system from within, sir.
24:16I'm a sort of a frozen horse.
24:19Trojan horse.
24:21Anyway, I can't see what's so stupid about marrying into wealth and money and not having to sleep in a
24:26puddle.
24:28No.
24:29It's the worst plan since Abraham Lincoln said,
24:32Oh, I'm sick of kicking around the house tonight. Let's go take in a show.
24:36For a start, General Melchit is in mourning for the woman of his dreams.
24:41He's unlikely to be in the mood to marry a two-legged badger wrapped in a curtain.
24:46Secondly, we are looking for a great entertainer.
24:48And you're the worst entertainer since St Paul the Evangelist toured Palestine with his trampoline act.
24:55Now we'll have to find somebody else.
24:58What about Corporal Cartwright, sir?
25:00Corporal Cartwright looks like an orangutan.
25:03I've heard of the bearded lady, but the all-over body hair lady, frankly, just isn't off.
25:09Willis?
25:09Too short.
25:11Pedderidge?
25:12Too old.
25:13Taplow?
25:14Too dead.
25:18Oh, this is hopeless.
25:19There just isn't anyone.
25:21Goodbye, goodbye, wipe the tears, baby dear, from your eyes.
25:28What am I doing, Bob?
25:31Sir?
25:32Still, what a brilliant idea!
25:35Bob, can you think of anyone who could be our leading lady?
25:46What do you think, Bob? One more?
25:47No, George. Always leave them hungry.
25:49Congratulations, Bob. I have to admit, I thought you were bloody marvellous.
25:52Thank you, sir.
25:53Permission to slip into something more uncomfortable, sir?
25:56Permission granted.
25:57Oh, sir, it's gonna be wonderful.
26:00Not just for me, but for my little partner, Graham.
26:04Doing our Charlie Chaplin all round the world.
26:07Yes.
26:08From Shaftesbury Avenue to the Côte d'Azur, they'll be saying,
26:11I like the little black one, but who's that Berkey sitting on?
26:14I'm not with you, sir.
26:16Of course not.
26:17But don't worry, we'll have years in luxury hotels for me to explain.
26:20Now, you two get packing, get packing.
26:22The boat train leaves at six, and we're gonna be on it.
26:25Black Adam.
26:26Ah, darling. Everything all right?
26:28Oh, yes.
26:29Got the tickets?
26:30Oh, yes.
26:31Ah.
26:31Black Adam?
26:33Oh, hi, General. Enjoy the show?
26:35Don't be ridiculous. The worst evening I've ever spent in my life.
26:38I'm sorry?
26:38Will you stand still when I'm talking to you?
26:41If by a man's words shall he know him, then you are a steaming pile of horse manure.
26:46But surely, sir, the show was a triumph?
26:48A triumph?
26:49The three twerps were one twerp short?
26:52Again?
26:54The slug balancer seems now to be doing some feeble impression of Buster Keaton.
27:00And worst of all, the crowning turd in the water pipe.
27:04The revolting drag act at the end.
27:08Drag act?
27:09Yes, poor Bob Parker is being made to look a total arse.
27:12With a thin reedy voice and the stupid effeminate dancing.
27:16Ah.
27:17So the show's cancelled.
27:19Permanently.
27:20But what about the men's morale, sir, with the Russians out of the war and everything?
27:23Oh, for goodness sake, Black Adam, have you been living in a cave?
27:27The Americans joined the war yesterday.
27:29So how is that going to improve the men's morale, sir?
27:32Oh, because, you gibbering imbecile, they've brought with them the largest collection of Charlie Chaplin films in existence.
27:40I've lost patience with you. Fill him in, darling.
27:43Yes, sir.
27:44We received a telegram this morning from Mr Chaplin himself at Senate Studios.
27:50Twice nightly screening of my films in trenches. Excellent idea. Stop.
27:54But must insist E. Blackadder be projectionist.
27:58Oh, P.S. Don't let him ever stop.
28:04Oh, great.
28:05No hard feelings, eh, Blackadder?
28:07Not at all, darling.
28:09Uh, careful licorice also.
28:15Well, thank you.
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