- 2 days ago
Father David
Barbara is all excited at the prospects of hosting a party at the apartment for the basketball team. However, once she and Julie manage to talk Ann into allowing it, they hit another roadblock ... no alcohol. The girls soon talk David into chaperoning the party while Ann is away at a wedding and secretly plot to have the guests sneak in the beer.
Barbara is all excited at the prospects of hosting a party at the apartment for the basketball team. However, once she and Julie manage to talk Ann into allowing it, they hit another roadblock ... no alcohol. The girls soon talk David into chaperoning the party while Ann is away at a wedding and secretly plot to have the guests sneak in the beer.
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TVTranscript
00:02This is it, this is it, this is life, the one you get, so go and have a ball, this
00:10is it, this is it, straight ahead and rest assured, you can't be sure at all, so while you're here
00:19in front of you, keep on doing what you do, hold on tight, we'll muddle through one day at a
00:26time, one day at a time, so up on your feet,
00:30somewhere there's music playing, don't you worry not, just take it like it's gone, one day at a time, one
00:39day at a time, one day at a time, one day at a time, one day at a time, one
00:47day at a time, one day at a time.
01:14What is your problem?
01:15I'm doing all my work before mom gets home, could you put away the vacuum?
01:18What's, what's the rush?
01:20I want her to be in a good mood so I can tell her the bad news.
01:23What bad news?
01:25Must I explain everything?
01:27Yes.
01:28It's not bad news, it's good news.
01:30Well, it's good news for us, but it might be bad news for mom.
01:34If it's bad news for mom, it'll be terrible news for us, because it's just fantastic news.
01:40Your IQ test results came back and you've been accepted to the funny farm.
01:46Julie, Pete Stranton is coming to our home.
01:50Oh, well that explains it, it's love.
01:54It's the whole basketball team.
01:56I've been elected to give the end of the season break training party.
01:59Here?
02:00Yep.
02:00The break training blast?
02:02I thought Jan was gonna have it.
02:04Well, uh, her parents had a sudden nervous breakdown.
02:09I can't believe it.
02:11We really got the break training party.
02:14Oh, Barbara, that is fantastic.
02:15All those tall guys.
02:17Let me help you.
02:18All we have to do is convince mom.
02:20Ah, before she has a nervous breakdown.
02:24Hello, my darling daughters.
02:26Hasn't it been a beautiful day?
02:28Yeah, it sure has.
02:30Hey, this place looks terrific.
02:33You girls have been busy.
02:34Thanks.
02:35I thought I'd start dinner tonight.
02:37Is that okay?
02:38Oh, well, can't complain about that, can I?
02:42Well, it's only fair that we do our share around here and try and keep...
02:45Barbara, don't overdo it.
02:46She's in a good mood.
02:48Mom, mom, something great happened at school today.
02:50Oh, you got an A on your geometry exam.
02:54Uh, not exactly.
02:55That's not what you're talking about.
02:57Well, that's what I'm talking about.
02:57What'd you get?
02:58I got better news.
02:59What'd you get in the test?
03:00I got a very high D.
03:05A D?
03:06Aw, Julie, you told me you were prepared for it.
03:10I mean, that's why I let you go see Cuckoo's Nest last night.
03:14Well, no more movies until you up that grade.
03:18You and your high D brain.
03:21And, uh, just what are you up to, baby daughter?
03:24Why are you, uh, buttering me up?
03:26Okay.
03:27Okay, make it hard for me to ask you.
03:30It's hard enough moving into your new year in high school
03:33and trying to make friends and getting with the good, clean crowd.
03:36Barbara.
03:39Cut the bull.
03:40What is it?
03:43Basketball season is over Friday,
03:44and they asked me to have a party for the team.
03:46They're the nicest guys in school.
03:47Yeah, and they're all tall.
03:52Pete Stratton said he'd come.
03:53It's the first time he ever talked to me.
03:55Can we have it, Mom, please?
03:57Please?
03:58Why not?
04:00I mean, I think it's about time you girls had a party.
04:02Oh, thank you, Mom.
04:03I gotta get things ready.
04:04I gotta call it ready, get the decorations.
04:06What time will dinner be ready?
04:07I thought you were fixing dinner tonight.
04:09I can't do everything.
04:12Seduced and abandoned.
04:15Mom, don't worry about the party.
04:16We'll take care of everything.
04:17Well, you better get busy.
04:18Tomorrow's Friday.
04:19No, the last game is Friday night.
04:21The party's Saturday night.
04:23Oh.
04:24Hey, look.
04:26I'm sorry.
04:27It can't be Saturday night.
04:29Why not?
04:29I'm not gonna be here.
04:30I'm going to the wedding.
04:31I'm not gonna be home until late.
04:33What wedding?
04:34Carla's.
04:35I thought she was pregnant.
04:39Yeah, well, that's part of it.
04:42Hey, uh, look.
04:43I'm sorry.
04:44Oh, can't we hold the party anyway?
04:46You don't have to be here.
04:48Can't they postpone the wedding?
04:51Only if they can postpone the baby.
04:54Hey, look.
04:55Come on.
04:56You know you can't have the party unless I'm here.
04:58Ma, chaperones went out with Ozzy and Harriet.
05:02Pete will think I'm a child.
05:04I'll never get to meet any basketball players.
05:06Oh, I'll meet her short, dinky guys.
05:10Julie.
05:11Well, you're not the one who has to dance with your chest in their eyes.
05:19Look, I told you I wanted you to have the party.
05:23Right?
05:24But without supervision, these things can get out of hand.
05:26You don't trust us.
05:27You think we're kids.
05:29Look, I said no party.
05:31And that is final.
05:35Hi, Ann.
05:37Hi, kids.
05:38We're not kids.
05:39You don't trust us either.
05:40I am almost old enough to vote, but I am not old enough to have a party.
05:44Was it something I said?
05:48No, David.
05:49It's just the same old fight.
05:51It started when Julie wanted Heinz and I was trying to feed her Gerber's.
05:54Oh, hey, speaking of great food, we are finally going to the Escoffier room for dinner.
06:01I got the reservations from a client of mine.
06:03Ha, that's terrific.
06:04Yeah, yeah, he's going to jail.
06:06He won't be needing them.
06:11Listen, I'll pick you up about 8 o'clock Saturday night, okay?
06:15What?
06:16What?
06:16What's the matter?
06:17Oh, oh, I'll give you one hint.
06:19Here comes the bride, big, fat, and wide.
06:24Oh, Carla.
06:26The, uh, quickie wedding.
06:30Oh, well, I guess I'll be all alone by my telephone.
06:33Oh, David, David, you beautiful man.
06:37You're so sweet.
06:37No way, no way.
06:39I am not going to the Escoffier room with a Big Mac stomach.
06:42Forget it.
06:44You could save my life.
06:45Right, I mean, you could be Ozzy while Harriet goes to the wedding.
06:48Okay?
06:50You can't ask David to do that.
06:52Do what?
06:53Chaperone our party Saturday night.
06:55What party?
06:55The Big Blast.
06:57I mean, the party for the basketball.
06:58Oh, David, please, you won't have to do anything.
07:01Just hang around like you usually do.
07:02Well?
07:05Please, David.
07:13Any, uh...
07:16Anybody want some fish?
07:19Oh!
07:20Huh?
07:21Hey, I'm talking about fresh fish.
07:23Look, this is today's paper.
07:25Uh...
07:26No, uh, thank you, Schneider.
07:28Really.
07:29Please, David, please.
07:30Hey, hey, hey.
07:31Come on.
07:32Stop pressuring David.
07:33I'll take the heads off.
07:34All you got to do is gut him.
07:35Uh, no.
07:37No, thank you, Schneider.
07:39All right.
07:39Here you go, counselor.
07:40Here.
07:41You know the old saying.
07:42A fish a day keeps a flab away.
07:46Yes, well, I'm glad to hear they're good for something.
07:49You've proved they aren't brain food.
07:53Doesn't anyone care about our party?
07:56You having a party?
07:57Well, have some fish.
07:59They make a delightful boolya boolya bass.
08:03Schneider is for the basketball team.
08:05The end of the season party.
08:07Right.
08:07And Mom's going to a wedding, and David's going to be our chaperone.
08:10Aren't you, David?
08:10You are leaving Teddy the Bear in charge of the kids.
08:20Schneider, listen.
08:22I, I, Ms. Romali, now, it's the end of the season.
08:25These jocks, they're breaking training.
08:28They haven't had any dames or any boos for four months.
08:33I am so sorry.
08:41I'm surprised at you, Ms. Romano.
08:44Leaving the dumpling here in charge of your daughter's virtue-hood.
08:51Schneider, I assure you, I am entirely capable of protecting their virtue-hood.
08:58He's going to do it.
08:59He's going to do it.
09:00David, thank you.
09:00David.
09:01Well, how can I refuse?
09:03Are you sure?
09:04Yeah, hey, look, I'm, I'm happy to help out, really.
09:08Schneider, Schneider, how would you like to take over my reservation at the Escafier?
09:14No, I ain't got a haircut already.
09:16Yeah.
09:18Now, this is the last chance.
09:20Who wants some of these Missouri River crappies?
09:23I know, right?
09:24Well, sure, all right.
09:26Don't worry about the party.
09:27I'll, I'll look in, and if the party's running a little bit late, I'll just flick off the lights.
09:31Fantastic.
09:32I ain't flicking off no lights.
09:35Don't worry about the lights.
09:37You just go to the wedding, have a good time.
09:39Well, ooh, hey, listen.
09:41Downstairs, I got a, I got a cowbell, if you'd like to tie it under the honeymoon bed.
09:47You know, ding, dong, ding, dong.
09:49Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
09:57Hey, uh, David, are you sure you know what you're letting yourself in for?
10:00Man, come on, they're your daughters.
10:02What could go wrong?
10:03They're not going to tear the building down.
10:05Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, you have all the optimism of a non-parent.
10:09Well.
10:10Okay.
10:11You're determined to do this, right?
10:12Yes.
10:13Okay, then I will give you the house rules.
10:15First.
10:15No boys in the bedroom.
10:16No water bombs out the window.
10:18Lights on at all times.
10:19No body contact sports.
10:20Everybody out by one.
10:21In other words, David, if you see us having any fun, stop us.
10:27And, uh, one more thing, David.
10:29No drinking, and that includes beer.
10:32No beer?
10:33Beer isn't drinking.
10:37Beer is drinking.
10:39But, Mom.
10:39No buts.
10:40No smoking either.
10:42No smoking either.
10:51Don't be funny, David.
10:52I am serious.
10:53I'm Roebuck.
10:54How do you do?
10:58And, and, come on.
10:59Don't you think you're being a little old-fashioned?
11:02No, David, I am not.
11:04Beer is alcohol.
11:05It is illegal for you girls.
11:07Now, it can mess up your head.
11:08It can cause fights.
11:09It can make you sick.
11:10It can give you a hangover.
11:11Nothing's perfect.
11:15Mom, if we have a party without beer, we'll be laughed out of school.
11:19Everybody has beer at parties.
11:21Everybody has beer at parties.
11:23Everybody has charge accounts.
11:25Everybody has a car.
11:26Everybody gets to go on trips.
11:27Everybody gets everything their little hearts desire, except you.
11:31Mom, at Stephanie Walter's party, her parents let her serve beer, and her father's a judge.
11:37Ricky Halsep had, had beer at his first party, and you met his mother at the PTA meeting,
11:42and you said that she was the nicest person there.
11:43That's right, Mom, and she's just like you.
11:46She's divorced, too.
11:49Tommy Halligan had, had beer at his first communion.
11:52Oh, wow.
11:55You keep this up, and you're not going to any more parties.
11:58Hey, hey, hey.
12:00Look, listen, I do not care what everybody else does.
12:04I am not permitting you to bring one single can of beer into this house.
12:08Okay, okay.
12:09We won't bring in one single can of beer.
12:11Ha, ha, ha, and not just cans.
12:14That includes bottles, kegs, and goat skins.
12:18I think she's got us pretty effectively tied up in knots here, guys.
12:23Uh, look, Ann, I don't think you're being entirely logical about this.
12:27You see, these girls are under tremendous peer pressure.
12:31I know that, David.
12:31You know, it's very, this is a critical age for them.
12:34It's very important that they have the security of a group.
12:37You know, the feeling of belonging.
12:38David, will you let me raise my own children, damn it?
12:41Well, I never.
12:47My mother would never have sworn in front of me that way.
12:52Look, Ann, this is your house, and of course, of course, I'm gonna abide by any rules that
12:57you set down.
12:58Good, I'm glad that's settled.
13:00No matter how archaic and ridiculous I happen to say.
13:03And it is settled.
13:05Yes.
13:05Yes.
13:09Some party.
13:10Pete will hate me before he even gets to know me.
13:12We'll be the absolute pits of the school.
13:16Guys, look, I'm, I'm sorry.
13:18I know how you feel.
13:20Yeah, well, at least you understand.
13:21Why can't Mom be a man?
13:24Yeah, we need a father around here.
13:27Well, uh, David is our father for the party, aren't you, David?
13:31Uh, do I detect a slight hint of the old ploy?
13:34If, uh, Mommy says no, we get Daddy to say yes, huh?
13:38Well, that's what fathers are for.
13:40Right.
13:41Uh, there is more to being a father than just fooling around with Mother.
13:50David, please, one beer each.
13:52Every parent in America lets their kids have at least one beer.
13:56If I could just walk up to Pete and say,
13:58Hi, Pete, have a beer.
14:00And then nature would take its course.
14:01Uh.
14:04Yeah, you know, well, I could see having one beer.
14:07Oh, thank you, David.
14:08Unfortunately, your mother can't.
14:10And, uh, she's in charge.
14:12And she said, no beer, so that's the way it is.
14:15Okay?
14:16Okay, okay.
14:17We promise we won't bring in any beer.
14:19Okay.
14:19Oh, my God, the groceries.
14:20I left them in the car.
14:21David, would you help me, please?
14:22Oh, sure.
14:23Okay.
14:24Come on, here's your cup.
14:27We, uh, could always transfer to another school.
14:30Bring them young high.
14:34Hello?
14:35Oh, hi, Pete.
14:37Yeah, the party's on.
14:38Oh, it's gonna be a blast.
14:40Oh, yeah, tell all the guys.
14:41I'll see you Saturday night.
14:43Bye-bye.
14:45Some blast.
14:46The guys won't stay ten minutes when they find out there's no beer.
14:50Well, who said there isn't gonna be any beer?
14:52Barbara, you promised Mom we wouldn't bring in one single can of beer.
14:56And we won't.
14:58But that doesn't mean the guys won't.
15:01Barbara?
15:04You are a genius.
15:06Rotten, but a genius.
15:07Ha, ha, ha.
15:26Gee, Julie, when I dance with you, I feel ten feet tall.
15:31I, uh, I love dancing with you, Herbie.
15:33Thanks.
15:34Really.
15:36Hey, Barbara, the whole team and I get the manager.
15:39What'd you say?
15:41Hey, where'd you find him?
15:42Under a mushroom?
15:44You're the hostess.
15:45You're supposed to cut in.
15:46Ha, not me.
15:47I like tall guys.
15:49What, do you got a belt buckle fetish?
15:51Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
15:53Okay, here we go, guys.
15:55I got root beer, grape, cola, cream soda, all the biggies.
15:59What'll it be?
15:59Can I have a grape?
16:01Sure, there you go.
16:02Root beer, that's my favorite.
16:03Thanks, Mr. King.
16:03Okay, you're welcome.
16:04Excuse me.
16:06All right.
16:06Goodbye, root beer.
16:08Hello, beer.
16:11Hey, Barbara, how do you like my orange juice?
16:14It's fantastic.
16:15How does more?
16:15Yeah.
16:16Oh.
16:19Here's to Anita Bryant.
16:28Hi, uh...
16:29Hi, I'm looking for the basketball team.
16:32Oh, yeah, well, sure, they're, uh, right in here.
16:35Uh, excuse me.
16:38I see you and Henry got back together.
16:41Yeah.
16:42Yeah.
16:44Yeah.
16:45Yeah.
16:46Yeah.
16:46Yeah.
16:48Yeah.
16:52Oh, excuse me.
16:53Uh, Herbie?
16:54No.
16:55Thank you, Mr. King.
16:55Chris?
16:56Oh, no thanks.
16:57The sugar's bad for you.
16:58Oh, okay.
17:05Okay, uh, how's it going?
17:06Great.
17:07No complaints.
17:07Good.
17:08Good.
17:08Okay.
17:15Hi, Pete.
17:16Hi, Barb.
17:16You want a beer?
17:17Well, I bought my own, okay?
17:19The sky's the limit.
17:22Hey, you want to hang up your phone?
17:23Do you want to put a message around for me?
17:27Uh, Barbara, why didn't you put him in the closet?
17:31The closet?
17:31I was, uh, showing Pete the house.
17:34Yes.
17:35Well, why not start with the biggies, like the living room?
17:43Quick.
17:44Quick.
17:46Oh, my God.
17:46Oh, my God.
18:03If anybody, uh, if anybody needs anything, I'll be in the bedroom, okay?
18:08With who?
18:17I, uh, think Pete's drunk.
18:20Well, man, who makes you say he's drunk?
18:22Well, he's dribbling.
18:24He doesn't even have the ball.
18:29Barbie, uh, you sound kind of funny.
18:31Have you been drinking beer?
18:32No, I hate beer.
18:33I just have a little orange juice.
18:35Oh, orange juice.
18:35Okay.
18:39Uh, Pete, you want to dance?
18:42I'm doing a can-can with a real can.
18:46Hey.
18:47You know, you look a lot older than you do in school.
18:49Oh?
18:50Hey, you want a little beer?
18:51Or, uh, don't you drink?
18:53Oh, no, I love beer.
18:57That was good.
18:58Hey, Pete, come here.
18:59Yeah.
19:00Hey.
19:00Barb.
19:02How about some more orange juice?
19:03Ah, where have you been?
19:05You know, this is-
19:06This is the most-
19:07This is the most wonderful orange juice you've ever had.
19:12Yeah?
19:13Good.
19:15Why do you think Bing Crosby always looks so happy?
19:20How about you?
19:21Woo!
19:22All right.
19:22Turn that down.
19:23Hey, uh, can you turn that down just a little?
19:25What?
19:25I can't hear you.
19:27Uh, do me a favor.
19:28Will you turn the stereo down a little?
19:30Okay, Pop.
19:31Hold this.
19:32Hey, hey, hey, hey.
19:33Where'd this beer come from?
19:35Milwaukee.
19:42Beer, man.
19:45Beer.
19:46One beer coming up.
19:50That's the only thing that we've ever had.
19:51All right.
19:51Julie.
19:52Julie, I thought you promised your mother and me that you were not going to bring any beer
19:56into the house.
19:57I didn't bring it in.
19:58The guys did.
19:59Oh, come on.
19:59Get off that semantic garbage here, Julie.
20:02Now, you broke your promises.
20:03I want all the beer out of here now.
20:05Okay, David.
20:05Okay, let me do it.
20:06Let me do it.
20:07Don't embarrass me in front of all these people.
20:08Okay, you have two minutes to get every ounce of beer out of this room.
20:11Okay, okay, okay.
20:12Two minutes.
20:13Barbara, Barbara.
20:14Barbara, we've got to get rid of all the beer.
20:15Oh, Julie, don't be such a party pooper.
20:18David found the beer.
20:20Finders, keepers, losers, weepers.
20:24Barbara, you are smashed.
20:27Oh, so am I.
20:28Let's go, please.
20:28No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
20:31What is this?
20:33Vodka, too.
20:34Wonderful, wonderful.
20:35Come on, I'm going to put you to bed.
20:37Oh, Julie, Julie, Julie, stop su- stop suing around.
20:40Sit down.
20:41David!
20:41David, come in here, please.
20:43What's the matter?
20:44I think Barbara's sick.
20:46Oh, what's the matter?
20:48Oh, I think I got a bad urn.
20:50Oh.
20:53She's not sick.
20:54This child is plastered out of her gourd.
20:58All right, that's it.
20:59Oh, my God!
21:01David!
21:03David, let me take care of you, please!
21:05No, it is too late, I'm sorry.
21:07Hey, guys, cut that out, stop it!
21:08Hey, stop it, you guys!
21:11Hey, stop it!
21:12Hey, David!
21:14David, you're embarrassing me!
21:16I don't give a damn!
21:25Stop it!
21:27All right, hold it!
21:28Hold it!
21:29All right, everybody, out!
21:31Now, move!
21:35All the other parents let us have beer at their parties.
21:38That's right.
21:41I don't care what you do at other parties.
21:43I don't even care about the beer.
21:45You can swim in beer for all I care.
21:47All right.
21:48But when you're a guest in somebody else's house, you go by the rules they set down.
21:52Now, you all knew there was to be no beer at this party.
21:55Hey, don't give me any of that garbage about not knowing, huh?
21:59I mean, you've been trying to hide it all night.
22:01You obviously knew.
22:03All right, well, you got caught, and you're out of the game.
22:05The party's over.
22:07Go home.
22:07We're going home.
22:08Okay, guys.
22:09Good night, you all.
22:09Bye, all.
22:10Good night.
22:17Party pooper.
22:21As for you, sweetness and light, if you go into the bedroom, you go to bed.
22:26I hate you, David.
22:27Yes, I know you do, Barbara.
22:29Does she look all right to you, Julie?
22:31I'm fine.
22:31A little sick to me.
22:32You look a little green around the gills.
22:34You feel a little peaked?
22:35I'm fine.
22:36Are you sure you're not sick?
22:37I'm telling you, I'm fine.
22:51Hey, David.
22:53How was the party?
22:54How was the party?
22:56How do you think the party was?
23:03Those kids have no scruples.
23:06They lied to me.
23:07They completely violated my trust.
23:10They completely outfoxed me, is what they did.
23:14They brought beer into this house, smuggled it in.
23:17I mean, they trapped me on a semantic technicality, you know?
23:22I swear, Ann, I don't know how you can put up with this.
23:25I mean, they made a mess of the house.
23:28They sprayed beer all over me.
23:31Ann, you know, I think parenthood is for morons.
23:35That's my opinion, you know?
23:37And I'll tell you something else.
23:38I have no stomach for this kind of responsibility.
23:42Any, any, any, any discussions we might have had having anything to do with me, having anything to do with
23:49children, yours or anybody else's, from now on are completely out of the question.
23:53You know what I mean?
23:53I have no interest whatsoever in a relationship that involves me in this kind of idiotic responsibility, you know?
24:01So just cancel, just cancel everything that I've said from now on, forever, forget it!
24:11Uh, I'll be back in a minute.
24:13I'm just gonna get a brew.
24:22Oh, David.
24:24Oh, this place.
24:27Ah, Julie Barbara, I'm home.
24:29Ooh!
25:04This program was recorded on tape for a live audience.
25:08Oh, this place.