- 2 days ago
Charlie and The Twins
Jordan's twin sister is in town; Jordan tells Charlie that the two don't get along ever since her sister slept with her former fiancée; she asks Charlie to help mend the damage between them, but he winds up sleeping with the twin.
Jordan's twin sister is in town; Jordan tells Charlie that the two don't get along ever since her sister slept with her former fiancée; she asks Charlie to help mend the damage between them, but he winds up sleeping with the twin.
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TVTranscript
00:00So anyways, I guess Patrick's not here because he's angry.
00:03I told him he couldn't come with me to go wedding dress shopping.
00:06Maybe I should have mentioned this earlier,
00:07but you guys do know that we are in an anger management therapy group, right?
00:11Maybe I said no because I'm starting to feel guilty
00:13about screwing my parents out of a million dollars
00:16with this whole fake marriage to Patrick thing.
00:18Awesome sharing, Lacey.
00:20You know, you were right.
00:21Focusing on chopping up this apple
00:22has allowed me to drop my defenses and tell the truth.
00:25Now you can put the apple slices of honesty
00:28into the picture of healing.
00:31I'm starting to think this is not therapy.
00:33I think we're making you sangria.
00:36That's crazy, Ed.
00:39Now, Noel, if you'll start slicing up the orange of courage,
00:41I will pour in the brandy of self-forgiveness.
00:45I got attacked by a duck at the park yesterday.
00:48Take back what I said earlier.
00:51You could be a bigger pussy.
00:54He stole my brownie,
00:56and then when I tried to get it back,
00:57he went all quack-ass crazy on me.
01:01Here's your orange.
01:04Okay.
01:05Now, I'm going to add in the wine of...
01:10We're all done.
01:13Oh, wait, look.
01:15We did make sangria.
01:17And maybe even a little bit of progress.
01:20See you all next week.
01:25I need to talk to you.
01:26Hang on.
01:28Almost ready.
01:35Shoot.
01:37My sister, Jessie, is coming to town.
01:39I think she wants to apologize for stealing my husband.
01:42You're identical twin, right?
01:43Well, we're not identical anymore.
01:45She dyed her hair and got huge breast implants.
01:48Oh.
01:49Do you consider becoming identical again?
01:52I don't think that I could ever forgive her for what she did.
01:57Especially after she had my dream wedding at Disneyland.
02:01Married by Mickey.
02:04Huh.
02:05That's a tough spot you're in.
02:09Now, when you say huge, are you talking like 38D?
02:13Look, I didn't want to talk to you about this,
02:15but my AA sponsor said that I should talk to a therapist.
02:18Is that sangria?
02:19Can I have some?
02:21You're an alcoholic.
02:23You're right.
02:23I shouldn't put you in that position.
02:25Do me a favor.
02:27Take a big drink and breathe on me.
02:31Sure.
02:39A couple more oranges and another splash of brandy,
02:42and it'll be perfect.
02:45Wow, you are good.
02:48So, my sister and I are getting together tonight,
02:51and I just know we are going to get into a fight.
02:54Will you please mediate?
02:56Sure.
02:58Come on over at, like, 38D, and we'll straighten it all out.
03:02Did you just say 38D?
03:04No.
03:05It's funny that's what you heard.
03:06We'll feel that up tonight.
03:09Honestly, I meant explore.
03:16God, if I sit down in this dress, people will see everything.
03:21It's absolutely perfect.
03:24Are you sure it's not too much?
03:26No, I want to look hot.
03:28Haven't you ever been to a wedding?
03:29It's a great place to meet men.
03:32I'm sorry I'm late.
03:34What do you think, Daddy?
03:36You look like a slut.
03:37Awesome, I'll take it.
03:39No, she won't.
03:41Now, close your eyes.
03:43I have a surprise for you.
03:45Is it more money?
03:47It's your sister.
03:49Oh, my God.
03:51It's been months.
03:52You look so much older.
03:56You look so much fatter.
04:00Whore.
04:01Fat whore.
04:02That's enough.
04:04Two words she's never said at the dinner table.
04:06I am not fat.
04:08I need to go to the Armani store.
04:10When I get back, the two of you better have made up.
04:13We do not fight in this family.
04:16We blackmail.
04:17We backstab.
04:18We slowly poison.
04:20We do not fight.
04:26So, what piece of Euro trash has to marry you to stay in the country?
04:31Well, you're going to be at the wedding, so you're going to find out anyway.
04:36It's Patrick.
04:38Patrick from your anger management group?
04:41He's gay.
04:42No, he's not.
04:43He used to be.
04:44But now he's, like, totally straight and really into vaginas and stuff.
04:49Right.
04:50You're just marrying him to get money out of mom and dad.
04:53No, I'm not.
04:54We're in love.
04:55Oh, please.
04:55I bet they're giving you, like, half a million dollars.
04:58No, they're not.
05:00It's a million.
05:02A million dollars?
05:04Shh.
05:04Promise you won't tell anyone, okay, little sister?
05:07Of course.
05:08I'm not going to tell anyone.
05:09Mm-hmm.
05:10Because you're going to buy me that Badgley Mishka bridesmaid dress.
05:13What?
05:14That thing costs, like, $25,000, and you would totally upstage me at my own wedding.
05:18$30,000.
05:19And I would have done that anyway.
05:21I continued slowly poisoning you when we were kids.
05:24What did you say?
05:25I said I should have continued slowly poisoning you when we were kids.
05:31All right.
05:32Jessie and I just had our talk, and she's grabbing some coffee, and then the three of us will all
05:36sit down.
05:37How'd it go?
05:40She feels awful and wants to get everything off her chest.
05:43Her way-too-big chest?
05:45Look, whether it's way too big or actually perfect for her frame is not the issue here.
05:51Jessie, come on in.
05:52We're all set.
05:57Hey, Jordy.
05:58Hello, Jessica.
05:59I think Jessie has something to say, and Jordy, because that's what I'll be calling you
06:03from now on.
06:05I ask you to be open.
06:07I can be open.
06:09Maybe not quite as open as your legs with my husband, but open.
06:14Jordy.
06:17I'm listening.
06:23Look, there's nothing I can say that will make this better.
06:26All I can tell you is that I am truly sorry, and I miss my sister.
06:32I just want to know why you did it.
06:34Uh, I think that maybe because I was jealous of you.
06:39What?
06:40No.
06:41Yeah, you got all the smarts, and I was just left with the personality and the look.
06:50But we're identical twins.
06:52Oh, come on.
06:53You know there's always slight differences.
06:55Everyone always wants to get with me, and you can do algebra.
07:01I am pretty, damn it.
07:03Why do you always try to make me feel like I'm not pretty?
07:05Look, I love you, but you have got to admit that the alcoholism has taken a little bit of
07:09a toll.
07:11You've developed kind of a beer bottle mouth.
07:14Okay, that's it.
07:16Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
07:20Jessie, it was nice to meet you.
07:22I think it'd be good for Jordyn to spend some a long time and reflect on the apology she's
07:27obviously accepted.
07:29See, this is what she was like as a kid.
07:31I will pop your boobs.
07:34She's strong.
07:35Go.
07:37You can't hide.
07:38I'm smart.
07:39I'll find you.
07:41I know how to triangulate.
07:45You see what I mean?
07:47My sister's horrible.
07:48She's a lying slut.
07:50I bet she's not even wearing underwear.
07:53How the hell would I know?
07:53I wasn't looking.
07:54But she is.
07:57The woman has got no morals.
08:00I bet she's cheating on my ex-husband right now.
08:02She's so low, she'd even sleep with you.
08:04Whoa, whoa, whoa.
08:05I understand that you're angry, but did you need to say even?
08:09I've got a great idea.
08:11I am going to make her suffer in a way she has never suffered before.
08:15Charlie, I want you to have sex with her.
08:19Okay, now this is getting personal.
08:22No, this is perfect.
08:24You take pictures of you two in bed together, I'll send them to my ex, and wreck her marriage,
08:29just like she wrecked mine.
08:30Oh, come on, Jordyn, now you're just talking out of anger.
08:33No, I'm not!
08:36So I'm guessing that's your happy vein popping out of your forehead?
08:40Okay, okay, okay.
08:41I will call her and tell her that she wants to get her sister back.
08:46She has to make nice.
08:47Fine.
08:48Last time I asked you to do it with a member of my family.
08:52But if you're ever mad at some other hot woman that needs a good banging, try me.
08:57You'll be pleasantly surprised.
09:00Doubt it.
09:13Hey, Charlie.
09:14Hey.
09:15Thought we were going to meet in the lobby.
09:16I know, but I really don't want to talk about my sister in public.
09:19I get way too emotional.
09:21Come on in.
09:22Oh.
09:23Okay.
09:25Guess this way I get to check out a suite at the Shrimp Dog Sweets.
09:30Sweet.
09:32I just want you to know that Jordan has a very twisted perception of me.
09:37Could you help me get these boots off?
09:40Your boots?
09:40They are killing me.
09:43Okay.
09:45Yeah, twisted perceptions are usually a two-way street.
09:47The goodness is that you've all started talking.
09:50I know, but you would think a little misgenious psych researcher would have some more insight into her own sister.
09:57Could you help me get this necklace off?
09:59I can never get it undone.
10:01Oh.
10:02Okay.
10:05What type of insight do you think she should have into you?
10:08That I'm a good person.
10:10Not some hypersexual manipulative nympho.
10:13Could you unzip my dress?
10:16I can't reach it.
10:20Um.
10:21Okay.
10:24Why do you think she sees you that way?
10:26I don't know.
10:27She's pretty messed up.
10:29Oh, it's freezing.
10:31Could we keep talking under the covers?
10:36I should be going.
10:37What?
10:38I can't hear you with you out of bed like that.
10:44Jessie, I'm sorry.
10:46We can't do this.
10:47You're obviously in a power struggle with your sister, and this is just a ploy to gain control.
10:52No, it's not.
10:54It's not?
10:56Oh.
10:57Okay.
11:00Hi, I'm sorry, but I'm afraid my wedding budget's changed, and I'm gonna have to cancel
11:06the ice sculpture of the two swans kissing.
11:09Do you have anything smaller like two hamsters kissing?
11:14No?
11:15Okay, you guys suck.
11:18It's open.
11:21Hey, Lacey.
11:22Hey.
11:23What are you doing here?
11:24Just dropping off Patrick's dry cleaning.
11:26He pays you to do his errands?
11:29Half of that's right.
11:31How long have you been doing this?
11:33Ever since you moved in, but you haven't noticed, because you're usually in the shower.
11:42Are you okay?
11:44No, I'm not okay.
11:45I had to take $30,000 out of my wedding budget to buy my sister a dress so she wouldn't
11:50tell
11:50my parents what Patrick and I are doing.
11:52$30,000 for a dress?
11:54Does it come with a pool?
11:55Right?
11:55And that's just the beginning.
11:57God knows what else that greedy little brat is gonna want.
12:00And now, I have to return these and wear these.
12:03What's the difference?
12:05These are $3,000 more because the bottoms are red.
12:09Well, if she's gonna blackmail you, shouldn't you fight fire with fire?
12:14Perfect.
12:15We'll set her on fire.
12:18No, you gotta blackmail her back.
12:20Like, hasn't she done some bad thing that she wouldn't want your parents to know about?
12:24Like, dirty videos or something?
12:27Hopefully.
12:28Oh, my God, that's brilliant.
12:31I think she does.
12:33Then, we'll set her on fire.
12:42How'd it go with my sister last night?
12:44Were you able to turn her around?
12:49A couple of times.
12:54Remember that thing you asked me to do yesterday about sleeping with your sister and then taking pictures?
13:01Thank you for talking me out of that.
13:04Huh.
13:07That was the stupidest thing I have ever said.
13:11No, no, no.
13:12It wasn't stupid at all.
13:13You were hurt and you wanted revenge.
13:15And you don't know what they say about revenge.
13:16It's very healthy.
13:19Don't try to make me feel better.
13:21What I asked you to do came from anger.
13:24Thank God you were the mature one, Charlie.
13:26I'm very impressed with you.
13:28Don't be so impressed with me.
13:31I am still capable of acts of such poor judgment it would blow your mind.
13:39I was totally wrong.
13:42If you had done that, I would have been devastated.
13:44There is no way that I would have ever been able to talk to you again if you had had
13:48sex with my sister.
13:53Jordan.
13:54Huh?
13:56Is that fresh coffee?
13:58Because it smells delicious.
14:03Coming.
14:09Hey, sis.
14:10What do you want?
14:10I was busy planning your bachelorette party.
14:12You were for me?
14:14Uh-huh.
14:15It's next week in Vegas.
14:16But I'm only inviting my friends and you're not coming.
14:19Oh, and I rented a jet and you're paying for it.
14:22What if I say no?
14:24Then I'm going to go tell Dad the only thing his future son-in-law finds attractive about you is
14:29your sideburns.
14:31Well, I guess I have no choice.
14:34Because you have all the power, except for...
14:37Screw you!
14:39You're going to buy me a scarf from Neiman Marcus?
14:43Wrong screen.
14:44Wrong screen.
14:44Let me just bookmark this so I can buy it later.
14:48No, I'm going to show our parents this.
14:54You just sit there, and I'm going to give you the show of your life.
15:26Oh, he helps you with your pants, and then he helps you with everything else.
15:31Where did you get that?
15:34From the folder on your desktop called Tax Receipts.
15:38And if you don't want people looking, don't put it next to the folder titled Actual Tax Receipts.
15:46If I sink this short putt, I will win the first annual Goodson-Healey Indoor Golf Classic, and you will
15:51not.
15:53Good luck.
15:57I banged Jordan's twin sister.
16:01Yes, I am the champion.
16:06So, you banged the twin that stole Jordan's husband.
16:12Well, ethically, that's...
16:14Okay, well, how was it?
16:16Picture you're having sex with Jordan, and then Jordan leaves, and her twin sister comes in, who actually likes sex.
16:26Well, please, are you trying to tell me that if you had the chance, you wouldn't sleep with Jordan?
16:31There's not enough vodka in the...
16:34Russia.
16:38Well, you know if Jordan finds out, that's going to start a nuclear chick chain reaction, right?
16:45No, no, no.
16:46Luckily, they still hate each other, and they're never going to talk again.
16:49Well, that's terrific.
16:55Hello?
16:57That sounds great.
16:59Absolutely.
17:00Okay.
17:01I'll see you then.
17:03Who was that?
17:05It was Jordan.
17:06She texted her sister.
17:08They're coming over tomorrow to talk.
17:12That's a shame.
17:15Listen, I don't want you to worry about it.
17:17You know why?
17:18Next year, I'm going to be hosting the Charlie Goodson Memorial Indoor Golf Classic, and you're honored.
17:25You know what the trophy's going to be, right?
17:27What's that?
17:28Be a statue of you, uh, unable to keep it in your pants.
17:34Well, as long as my genitals are reproduced to scale, then I'm okay with that.
17:41Well, she's late, as usual.
17:43This is so typical of my sister.
17:46I was born right on time, then she was born three hours later with an umbilical cord wrapped around her
17:50neck.
17:50Look at me.
17:51My face is blue.
17:54You tried calling her?
17:56I did, but her phone was always dead.
17:59Dead?
18:00What if somebody from, I don't know, worked, left her a message about something important, like what she shouldn't say
18:06in a meeting?
18:08She works at the makeup counter at Macy's.
18:11Makeup people have meetings.
18:13Is red in?
18:14Is blue in?
18:14Who knows without a meeting?
18:18Sorry I'm late.
18:20Somebody thought I was one of the famous people from celebrity rehab and bought me a drink.
18:25Yeah, before we start, I thought we should take a moment to use the bathroom or check any messages on
18:30our phones.
18:32I can't.
18:32My phone's dead.
18:35I have a charger.
18:38Let's do this.
18:39Let's get everything out on the table.
18:40Not everything.
18:42The new school of thought is to write down what you want to say in a journal and then burn
18:47it.
18:49I want to talk about what Jesse did the other day.
18:52No, no.
18:52I don't want to talk about anything that Jesse's done since she's been here.
18:55People, places, things.
18:57People.
19:00Then what are we going to talk about?
19:01Getting drunk all day with strangers who think you're Gary Busey?
19:05Let's all just settle down.
19:08Now, I want you both to find a moment in your past when you've actually loved each other.
19:14Our 80th birthday.
19:17You remember that?
19:18Of course.
19:19We both had the chicken pox and mom had to cancel our party.
19:22We stayed up all night prank calling Beth Randall and Susie Cohen.
19:27I hated those girls.
19:28This is perfect.
19:30Let your hatred of others bring you two together and I give each other a hug.
19:35I miss you, Jordy.
19:38I miss you too, Jesse Wessie.
19:41Jesse Wessie?
19:42It's based on the fact that her name is Jesse and it rhymes.
19:47So, okay.
19:49We're done here.
19:50You're cured.
19:50Go home.
19:52Wait, before we do that, I'm feeling guilty about something and I need to get it off my chest.
19:58I slept with someone you don't know about.
19:59Okay, okay, guys, guys, guys.
20:01I am the therapist here and I'm telling you that nothing ruins a relationship like communication.
20:06I had sex with Bob Tway.
20:08My high school boyfriend?
20:11That's okay.
20:12Thank you for being honest.
20:14Okay.
20:14Everybody loves each other.
20:15Let's wrap it up.
20:17There's somebody else.
20:19You know who I hate?
20:21Susie Cohen.
20:23Let's prank call her right now.
20:25David Sapienza.
20:27My college boyfriend?
20:28I am so sorry.
20:31Oh, and there is also...
20:33Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
20:34Let's close up Pandora's box before something else flies out that we cannot kill.
20:39I should be heading to the airport anyway.
20:42I'll call you.
20:44Okay, great.
20:45Bye-bye.
20:45Bye.
20:46Bye.
20:52You're very lucky, Jordan.
20:54I could have gone horribly wrong.
20:57Thanks for your help.
20:59This couldn't have happened without you.
21:00And I slept with Charlie.
21:02Sorry.
21:03Love you.
21:09You were right.
21:11Your sister's a bitch.
21:19You were right.
21:22You're right.
21:24You're right.
21:27You're right.
21:27You're right.
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