- 2 days ago
Charlie and The Christmas Hooker
Sasha (Anna Hutchison), a hooker from Charlie's past, returns with an offer for Charlie for the two of them to sail a yacht to Hawaii as a favor for her friend, but they have to leave on Christmas eve and he has already invited his therapy group for a get-together that evening. Elsewhere, Sean misinterprets Jordan's intentions when she intentionally drives away his date and then invites him over to decorate her Christmas tree, while Ed steals a Mexican-looking baby Jesus from a local church's Nativity scene.
Sasha (Anna Hutchison), a hooker from Charlie's past, returns with an offer for Charlie for the two of them to sail a yacht to Hawaii as a favor for her friend, but they have to leave on Christmas eve and he has already invited his therapy group for a get-together that evening. Elsewhere, Sean misinterprets Jordan's intentions when she intentionally drives away his date and then invites him over to decorate her Christmas tree, while Ed steals a Mexican-looking baby Jesus from a local church's Nativity scene.
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TVTranscript
00:00Now, I know you're all going to be spending time with your families this Christmas.
00:03So remember, as good as it might feel at the time, aggravated assault is not a gift.
00:12By the way, also not a gift, the holiday conversion package I got for my aunt and uncle who want
00:17to turn me straight.
00:19This year it included a Maxim magazine, a side of bacon, and a football shirt.
00:26Jersey.
00:27I don't know, is that where the Redskins are from?
00:31I'm going to church with my dad.
00:33I like to pray.
00:35Then he gets struck by lightning, hit by a bus, maybe a plane crash.
00:41Believe me, I'm not one to tell God to do his job.
00:44Surprise me!
00:46Well, at least you got something to do.
00:48My wife kicked me out, my daughter's out of town, and all my friends are dead.
00:53Let's see.
00:55There's Pete, Tim.
00:58Yep, yep, they're all dead.
01:01My family all gets together.
01:03It's so depressing.
01:05Everybody's piling out of their Mercedes with their cute little kids and their beautiful babies.
01:10And it just reminds me that I don't have a Mercedes.
01:17Yeah, it's the most stressful time of the year for me, too.
01:20Aside from Shark Week, for obvious reasons.
01:24You know what?
01:25Screw families, dead friends and sharks, and the New Jersey Redskins.
01:30I say we do something different this Christmas.
01:35Damn it.
01:37There's nothing we can do on Christmas.
01:40The malls are all locked up.
01:42It's like we did something wrong.
01:45No, I'm talking about hanging out here, drinking a ton of booze, and bitching about the people we hate.
01:50Yay!
01:50Charlie saved Christmas!
01:52Yay!
01:54Yes, I did.
01:56So it's set.
01:57See y'all 7 o'clock, Christmas Eve.
02:02You know, your father's gonna crap a Catholic brick if you don't go to mass with him Christmas Eve.
02:08Then I'll just go tonight and tell him that's all he gets.
02:11All right, I'll see you there.
02:12Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
02:13Whoa, you're going to church with my dad?
02:15Yeah.
02:17He told me he'd kick me out if I didn't repent for being such a lousy roommate.
02:22Apparently, he's the one washing my dirty dishes after I put them in the sink.
02:27Well, and who did you think was washing them?
02:29Not something I dwelled on.
02:37What the hell are you doing?
02:39All right, you got me.
02:40Sometimes when you're not around, I like to use your giant spoon as a spoon.
02:45It cracks me up.
02:48It is pretty funny.
02:50By the way, Mike from next door used it last week to fish a dead rat out of his jacuzzi.
02:55How's that coffee?
03:10So I have a favor to ask you.
03:15I'm dating this girl, but I can't tell her that I manage strip clubs because she's, um...
03:21What's that word for chicks that don't like to be called chicks?
03:24Feminist?
03:24Right, she's a feminist chick.
03:27So I lied to this chick, and I told her I'm a doctor.
03:30So can I pretend that your office is my office on Christmas Eve?
03:34Hey, Dr. Grabass, my office is some cheap motel room you can use to trick some gallant of sleeping with
03:40you.
03:41She's super hot.
03:42Dude, you buried the lead.
03:45Have a great time with your super hot feminist chick.
03:48They're awesome, aren't they?
03:50Pay half the tab, bring their own birth control.
03:52And because they hate you a little bit, they don't want to spend the night.
03:59Good.
04:01Actually, it's time to come, huh?
04:02Yeah, your dad has a way of persuading people.
04:06If I can't understand that Mexican preacher, I can always take refuge in, uh, the good book.
04:13I don't know the good book by heart, but I'm pretty sure it also says, share thy booze.
04:21Where's my dad?
04:23He's down in the basement.
04:25He thinks he left his jacket here after he threw it at the bingo caller last night.
04:31Did you see that travesty out front?
04:34Talking about the 80-year-old lady with the fake boobs and the crop top.
04:38You know, I'm talking about the Mexican nativity scene they got out there.
04:42They got the baby Jesus wrapped in a rainbow poncho and he's browner than my shoes.
04:49And it's called a serrape.
04:51And a lot of ethnic groups are more comfortable with a display that they can relate to.
04:55Real Jesus was white.
04:59Brown or white, Jesus is only there to make us feel guilty about masturbating.
05:05Son, what are you doing here?
05:06Well, I can't make it tomorrow night.
05:08I've got a thing with my groups.
05:09I thought I'd just come tonight.
05:11Tomorrow's Christmas Eve.
05:12That's our mass.
05:13We always do Christmas Eve mass together.
05:15Be careful.
05:16Brown baby Jesus is gonna get you.
05:21Oh, Charlie, why do you always put me through hell at Christmas time?
05:25What have I ever done to you at Christmas time?
05:27Oh, please, Charlie.
05:28Ever since you were a kid, you'd find something every year.
05:31Who put the Cincinnati Reds ball cap on the Virgin Mary?
05:34All right, fine.
05:35That was me.
05:35But the Reds won the series that year.
05:37And who put the hot sauce in the communion wine?
05:41Look, I did not pour any.
05:44That was me.
05:45That's pretty funny, though, right?
05:48And who locked Father Cosgrove in the confessional box overnight?
05:54You told me you did that when you were 12 years old.
05:57I was just a kid.
05:58What do you expect?
06:02Wow.
06:03Looks like a CVS in August in here.
06:06I thought we needed a little Christmas around this place.
06:09Oh, here.
06:10Your secret Santa left you a gift.
06:14But it's just the two of us.
06:17And if it didn't come from me, then, hmm.
06:26A motorized tie rack?
06:29Somebody's been shopping on Sky Mall.
06:32What'd you get me?
06:33Well, I know how much Christmas means to you.
06:37So, I got you the best gift of all.
06:40Friendship and understanding.
06:43Good.
06:45Maybe now I can understand why my friend didn't get me a gift.
06:51You're welcome.
06:54Hey, Charlie.
06:56Sasha.
06:58Wow.
06:58What the hell are you doing here?
06:59I just flew in.
07:01I missed you.
07:02Oh.
07:04Oh, I'm sorry.
07:04Jordan, this is Sasha.
07:06Sasha and I used to go out, and then she left town without calling.
07:09And now she's back without calling.
07:11Sasha's very spontaneous.
07:14I really am.
07:15I just spontaneously quit my job.
07:17I was tired of prostituting myself.
07:19Oh.
07:19What did you do?
07:20Oh, I was a prostitute.
07:25Oh.
07:27But the past is the past, right?
07:29Totally.
07:30I used to sell frozen yogurt.
07:33Which isn't the same.
07:39I can't believe you're back.
07:41Yeah.
07:42Listen, I feel really bad about the way I left town.
07:47So, how'd you like to go to Hawaii?
07:50What?
07:50My friend's fiance owns this yacht, which has to be in Maui by, like, yesterday.
07:54We would have the whole yacht to ourselves.
07:57When do we leave?
07:59Tonight, 9 p.m. sharp.
08:00But tonight's Christmas Eve.
08:03I can be at your place at 8.
08:05Is that a problem?
08:06Well, I invited some of my patients over at 7, and I can't just kick them out.
08:09Four-star treatment.
08:11Anything your heart desires.
08:13Hmm.
08:15What about...
08:17Waffles?
08:18Yeah.
08:19They don't have any plates.
08:21So you might have to eat it off a cabin buddy.
08:24Do you have a cabin buddy?
08:26I do now.
08:35Suck it, Mr.
08:37I haven't hit Santa Bobo's face once.
08:40You hit yourself in the face twice.
08:41It's pretty good.
08:43Are you done, Lacey?
08:44I'm starting to clean up.
08:45I'm done with food, yes.
08:46But Champagne and I have decided to get to know each other better.
08:50Thank you, Champagne.
08:51I think you're fun and bubbly, too.
08:54He's not your friend.
08:55He's just trying to get you drunk so he can watch you have sex with strangers later.
08:57Now, give it.
08:58No!
08:59Hey, what happened to Ed?
09:01He never showed up.
09:02Well, if my Christmas wish came true, he suddenly woke up at the NAACP headquarters and
09:08has to decorate for Kwanzaa with RuPaul.
09:11Hey, everybody.
09:12I think we all had a good time.
09:13We should make this an annual holiday tradition.
09:15So, thanks for coming.
09:16I'll see you later.
09:17What are you talking about?
09:18We've only been here an hour.
09:20Yeah, why are you trying to rush us out of here?
09:22It's just every Christmas Eve, I sit by myself and open a bottle of scotch and watch It's
09:27a Wonderful Life.
09:28Always gets me at the end when Jimmy Stewart jumps off that bridge and kills himself.
09:33All right.
09:34Out you go.
09:39Sorry, I'm late.
09:40I just stole the Mexican baby Jesus.
09:46Damn it, Ed.
09:48If white baby Jesus finds out about this, he's going to be very pissed.
09:55Wow.
09:56That's great.
09:57What kind of study are you conducting in here?
10:00Sex study.
10:02Oh, that's cool.
10:05Examining what parts of sex?
10:07Mostly the sex parts.
10:11You know, the one discovery we made, and I share this for no other reason than it's an
10:15interesting fact.
10:16The best sex is between two people who barely know each other.
10:22I'm sorry, what was your name again?
10:24Sean?
10:26Jordan, hey, what are you doing here?
10:28I work here.
10:29Of course, as my intern, who always has my back and is so understanding.
10:35What the hell are you doing here?
10:37Oh, the doctor was just showing me his office.
10:40A doctor.
10:43He's not a doctor.
10:45He's a strip club manager.
10:48You are?
10:49I'm strip club managing my way through medical school.
10:53Which is, there's nothing wrong with that.
10:56People do it all the time.
11:02Kidding?
11:03I mean, why would you do that?
11:04You're pathetic.
11:05You know what?
11:06At least I'm trying to get laid on Christmas Eve instead of sitting in my office working.
11:11I wasn't working.
11:12I was playing Sims on my computer.
11:14And for your information, all the characters I created are having really hot sex right now.
11:21How are the graphics, huh?
11:26Is this seriously what you're doing?
11:28I have a Christmas tree at home, but I can't bring myself to decorate it alone.
11:34Okay.
11:37Let's go back to your place and we'll both decorate your tree together.
11:40Oh, please.
11:41Come on, let's do it.
11:43It'll be great.
11:45Oh, who am I kidding?
11:46It'll be okay.
11:50Ed, this is crazy.
11:52You can't steal the son of God on Christmas Eve.
11:55Too late.
11:56I already did.
11:58This is worse than when you grabbed that dwarf in that bar and said,
12:01Caught me a leprechaun.
12:02Let's get his gold.
12:05What are you going to do with it?
12:07I don't know.
12:09Throwing it away would seem like blasphemy, but putting it back would be blasphemy too.
12:14I'm pretty sure I know what to do here, but I'm going to need the definition of the word blasphemy.
12:20All I know is Jesus was not a Mexican.
12:25He was white with blue eyes.
12:27That's why the crucifixion is so sad.
12:31It's your dad.
12:33Not yours, Jesus.
12:35Yours, Charlie.
12:37Charlie!
12:38Open up.
12:39I know you're in there.
12:40Damn it, he knows.
12:42All right, everybody in the kitchen, I'll take care of this.
12:45Don't worry, I know you're going to make everything better.
12:47Thank you, Lacey.
12:48I was talking to the champagne.
12:56Merry Christmas, Dad.
12:58Egg roll.
12:59Why don't you Merry Christmas egg roll me, you thief.
13:02You wouldn't let me in because you're trying to hide it.
13:05Me?
13:06What would I even do with a Jesus doll?
13:08And how would you even know what I was talking about?
13:10Oh, please, it's all over the TV.
13:12That and a story about some drunk elf at a mall drooping local milfs.
13:16Now, listen to me.
13:18You get the baby Jesus back in his manger by midnight mass,
13:21and there'll be no questions asked.
13:22Otherwise, I'm telling everybody who did it and where he lives.
13:27Dad, come on.
13:28Feliz Navidad, mi hijo.
13:34All right, guys, you can come out now.
13:35My dad's gone.
13:37I haven't seen that since high school.
13:40All right, Ed, give it to me.
13:41I'm taking Jesus back to the manger.
13:43No.
13:43Yes, give it to me, Ed.
13:44Yes.
13:45Yes.
13:45No, give it to me.
13:53Well, obviously, it was made in Mexico.
13:57I was kind of hoping candy was going to come out.
14:03So, in the middle of winter, during a blizzard,
14:06the entire family ate popsicles,
14:08so I would have enough sticks to finish my reindeer.
14:12Well, you'd think only one or two of these ornaments would have a story,
14:15but it's every single one.
14:19Here we go.
14:25Wow.
14:26It's really beautiful.
14:28Yeah.
14:30You know, I actually don't hate this softer side of you.
14:36I am a sensitive guy.
14:37I cried at my dad's funeral.
14:41Oh, two peppermint cookies coming up.
14:44Oh, two peppermint cookies coming up.
14:44Oh, how's the kettle?
14:45I was hoping maybe it was the Christmas train.
14:49I mean, this has been so much fun.
14:51I am so excited for what's next.
14:53Me, too.
14:54Wait until you see White Christmas in HD.
14:58You can see every snow.
15:00Oh, my God!
15:02You know how to tie a bow fast.
15:05I'm guessing you have a lot of throat pills on your bed,
15:07so I'm fine doing this right there on the couch.
15:11We are not having sex, Sean.
15:13What the hell is wrong with you?
15:15Wait, so you invited a guy with abs like these over to decorate a tree?
15:22Put your pants on!
15:27Boy, I really misread this situation.
15:33Yeah, maybe you should go.
15:34No, no, no.
15:35Come on.
15:35Let me stay.
15:36I'm sorry.
15:37It's my bad.
15:37All right?
15:42I'm actually having a good time.
15:44Fine.
15:47So?
15:50Do you wax or something?
15:53Not that I looked.
15:54It's a combination, actually.
15:56I wax the chest, I laser the stomach,
15:57and then the rest is friction due to usage.
16:03So your ornament has a story, too.
16:08Is the glue dry on Jesus yet?
16:10This is taking forever.
16:11Relax.
16:12It took God seven days to make the world.
16:14I think you can give me five minutes to glue his son's head back on.
16:18Ed, as soon as the thing is fixed, you're taking it back to the church.
16:21I'm not going to be in the hook for this.
16:23Okay.
16:23But it's Christmas Eve.
16:25The place is packed.
16:26And they've moved the nativity scene inside.
16:29How are we going to put it back?
16:31Well, maybe you should have thought about that
16:33before you stuffed the Savior of Man inside your jacket, Ed.
16:37Hold on.
16:38I give you Frank and Jesus.
16:43All right, I have an idea, but we're all going to have to go.
16:45Ooh, a Christmas adventure.
16:47This is so much more fun than shoplifting.
16:51We've got to do it quick.
16:52My movie will be here in about 20 minutes.
16:55I ordered it on pay-per-view.
16:59Aloha, sailor.
17:01That must be Jimmy Stewart.
17:03Every time a therapist lies, an angel gets its wings.
17:07All right, all right.
17:08Come on, guys.
17:08Get in the car.
17:09Get in the car.
17:10I'll be right there.
17:12Wait, what's going on?
17:14The boat's about to leave.
17:15Slight change of plans.
17:16I'll be back in 20 minutes.
17:17Half hour tops.
17:18Half hour?
17:18We don't have a half hour.
17:20I understand, but one of my patients stole a Mexican baby, and I pulled its head off,
17:26then I tried to put it back on.
17:28You know what?
17:28This story's not that interesting.
17:30Wait here.
17:31I'll be right back.
17:32Okay, I'll wait as long as I can, but hey, I really don't want to go without you.
17:36Don't worry, sweetie.
17:37I got this under control.
17:39The head fell off again.
17:40I gotta go.
17:45Okay, are people going to buy this?
17:47Yes, between the pillow and the baby Jesus shoved up your dress, you're completely pregnant.
17:52You know what?
17:52This is going to be a real easy birth, because I'm hammered.
17:57All right, at least now you're going to go to the front of the church.
17:59First, you're going to make a scene.
18:00I need everybody in here looking at you guys.
18:02Well, I am wearing a Hugo Boss blazer.
18:04What are you guys going to do?
18:07All right, Lace, let's put this thing back in the manger.
18:09Come on.
18:10Ed, last week Nolan sneezed on your muffin and made me promise not to tell.
18:13Well, I'm telling.
18:15That's disgusting.
18:16You don't have to have a tissue that fell over your face.
18:22All right, give me the baby.
18:24All right.
18:28It won't come out.
18:29What?
18:30I'm stuck.
18:32I think the glue dried on my stomach.
18:34Help me get this thing out of me.
18:36All right.
18:37Put your hands on his head and push.
18:41It hurts.
18:42It hurts.
18:43I need another drink.
18:45I think this is all your fault.
18:48Martin, isn't that your son?
18:51I've never seen that man before in my life.
18:54It hurts.
18:54Come on, Polish.
18:55Polish woman.
18:56Oh, my God.
19:02Hello.
19:05A child is born of a virgin.
19:08And also, this woman has had a child.
19:17And to all, a good night.
19:19Run!
19:23So, even though I had shingles, it was still my most favorite Christmas ever.
19:27Well, one Halloween, I banged a chick with half a foot, so she was pretty gross, too.
19:33See, isn't this good?
19:35Us hanging out, being friends, genitals properly covered.
19:41It is.
19:42You're a great, smart woman.
19:44You're a lot of fun.
19:45Really?
19:46I don't usually get fun.
19:49I've gotten perky and a lot to digest.
19:56Let's put on some holiday music.
19:57Okay.
20:00Do you prefer Barbra Streisand or Neil Diamond?
20:05I forgot about this one.
20:07Ah!
20:09I think Neil Diamond.
20:12What are you doing?
20:14You're a chick with shingles.
20:16Come on, let's do this.
20:19Get out.
20:20I am not having sex with you.
20:23I don't know what kind of games you're playing.
20:31Hey, so seriously, what are you doing for New Year's?
20:39Sasha?
20:40Oh, damn it.
20:48I hope you don't mind.
20:49I already unwrapped your Christmas present.
20:52That's exactly what I asked for.
20:55And that mall Santa looked at me like I was crazy.
21:00So, what happened to Hawaii?
21:02I thought you already left.
21:03I was gonna go.
21:05But then I realized it wouldn't be as much fun without you there.
21:10Thank you, brown baby Jesus.
21:15Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
21:18ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
21:18ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
21:18ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
21:20ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
21:25ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha
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