- 2 days ago
Charlie Sets Jordan Up with a Serial Killer
Wayne pulls Charlie aside and explains that he is about to be transferred to a Texas prison; he proposes that Jordan gets engaged to him, which the prison board will view as a reason to keep him in California.
Wayne pulls Charlie aside and explains that he is about to be transferred to a Texas prison; he proposes that Jordan gets engaged to him, which the prison board will view as a reason to keep him in California.
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00:00Can someone please explain to me how this thing that Patrick and Lacey are doing is not a crime?
00:06Who should I pick to answer that question?
00:09Oh, I know.
00:12If you spin that wheel one more time and it lands on me.
00:22Patrick, would you please explain to Ed how your fake marriage to scam Lacey's parents out of $1 million is
00:27not a crime?
00:28It is not a fake marriage. We're really getting married. It's just we can't stand each other and we're never
00:33going to have sex.
00:35Anyone? Sounds like a real marriage to me. Pretty good, huh? I get a free spin.
00:49Ed, I think there are a couple of damn con artists scamming her folks the way they are.
00:54My parents were forcing me into an arranged marriage, so I'm marrying Patrick to get out of it.
01:00If they want to give me a million-dollar wedding gift, I'm not going to turn it down.
01:04So you're scamming them.
01:05Yeah, we're probably scamming them. What do you think, Patrick?
01:07Yeah, we're definitely scamming them.
01:10I just want to issue my standard disclaimer that when felonies are discussed in here, just because I'm listening does
01:15not make me an accessory.
01:18Speaking of accessories, my parents gave me an extra $100,000 to throw the actual wedding that I would much
01:25rather spend on accessories.
01:28$100,000? That's like $30,000.
01:34Roy, did you eat the whole bowl of stupid this morning?
01:38I just wanted some attention. My name never comes up on that wheel.
01:44It drives me crazy that I have this $100,000 that I would have spent on me, but I have
01:50to waste it on a dumb wedding that everybody's going to enjoy.
01:56Anybody have any suggestions on how Lacey can deal with these frustrations?
02:00And please do not recommend that she fly to Vegas and try to double the money.
02:05Oh, my God. That's a great idea.
02:08I don't know. That is a terrible idea.
02:10Let's go tonight.
02:11Don't go at all.
02:12Should we fly or drive?
02:13Neither.
02:14Let's fly.
02:15Okay.
02:18Well, awesome session, everyone.
02:23Just so you know, there will be a childhood trauma slot on the wheel, so start working on those recovered
02:28memories.
02:30When I was seven, a clown touched me at the circus.
02:34Next week, Nolan.
02:40Jordan?
02:41All right, Charlie, I'm ready to go to prison.
02:43Is it for a specific crime or has society become fed up with you in general?
02:48I'm observing your prison group today, remember?
02:52You know what? I thought about it, and I don't think you should go.
02:54What? You said I could.
02:56I told you I'm thinking about becoming a criminal psychologist, so I need to observe criminals.
03:01You got them, so quit hogging them.
03:04Sweetie, it's just that prison is no place for someone as squeamish as you.
03:10I'm a big girl, and I can take it.
03:14All right. All right. Fine.
03:15Fine. But I'm only letting you come because you're really annoying, and there's a good chance that something might happen
03:20to you.
03:26Okay, Ernesto, it's your turn.
03:29Why don't you show us your list of the top three things that make you angry?
03:32Not until she shows me the top three things that make me happy.
03:37Oh, my.
03:39I apologize for my colleague's uncivil tongue, Dr. Dimby.
03:43Thank you, Wayne.
03:44I'll accept his apology on your behalf, Ernesto.
03:49Hey, you want to see my uncivil tongue?
03:52That's enough.
03:54I know that you've all been in here for so long that Jordan looks attractive to you.
04:00I'm sorry. That's not what I meant.
04:03It's a little what I meant.
04:06Charlie, stop teasing her.
04:08I think she's a beautiful woman.
04:09Thank you, Cleo.
04:11Oh, you're very welcome.
04:12And I just have one question for you.
04:13Can I have your hair?
04:16Not all of it.
04:17Just enough to make an updo for when I entertain.
04:23I would say no.
04:25No.
04:28Okay, before we go, Wayne, you mentioned last time that there was an inmate you were having trouble getting along
04:33with.
04:34Yeah, he was making fun of the way I talk.
04:35So after I got his attention in the laundry room by accidentally steam pressing his face,
04:41I politely reminded him this is how people from Nashville speak.
04:46Oh, my God.
04:47You're from Nashville?
04:48Me, too.
04:49Where'd you go to high school?
04:50McKinley.
04:51No kidding.
04:52My first kidnapping was a McKinley graduate.
04:56No way.
04:57You're the guy that kidnapped Cleo Lambert.
04:59I hated her.
05:00Why'd you have to let her go?
05:03You hated her?
05:04Try spending three days in five different cars with her waiting for a ransom to be delivered.
05:10Yeah, it must have been a real trauma for you, Wayne.
05:14But he was very nice.
05:15He never hurt her.
05:17And he let her go at Fillmore's ice cream shop.
05:20Yeah, like that girl needed any more ice cream.
05:24Wait a second.
05:25You weren't the guy that stabbed Fillmore, were you?
05:28Hey, in my defense, I wanted a second taste of cookies and cream, and he would not give it to
05:33me.
05:34Wayne, don't you know they only have a one taste limit?
05:39I did not know that.
05:41I have a letter to write.
05:45All right, let's call it a name.
05:46See you all next week.
05:48Um, Charlie, can I speak to you for a minute in my cell before you leave?
05:52Um, in private?
05:54Uh, sure.
05:56Jordan, I'll see you at the car.
05:57I just wanted to say, I've never done anything like this before, and you all were delightful.
06:02And I am sorry about my uncivil tongue.
06:05And don't worry about it.
06:06You want to see my uncivil wiener?
06:11I would say no.
06:16I'll just be a minute, Wayne.
06:18Taser check.
06:22Kettles, what the hell?
06:24Well, don't startle me like that.
06:30What's on your mind, Wayne?
06:31They want to transfer me to a prison in Texas.
06:34Only problem is, there are many evildoers at that prison that wish me dead.
06:39Well, what do they have against you?
06:40Well, if I told you that, I'd have to kill you.
06:43Well, then let's move on.
06:47Get the taser ready.
06:51Anyway, the state of California is very clear.
06:54They won't transfer a prisoner if there's any undue hardship on a family member or loved one.
07:00Are you asking me to pretend to be your life partner?
07:03Because, I'm sorry, Wayne, but I'm really into women.
07:06They can be a little manish, but they still have to have all the stuff.
07:11No, what I need is a pretend female fiancé.
07:15I was thinking maybe you could ask Dr. Denby for me.
07:18Jordan?
07:20Wayne, I'd love to help with this arrangement.
07:22In fact, if it were a reality show, I would watch.
07:26But I'm sorry, I can't be a part of this.
07:30Let me sweeten the pot.
07:36I've been approached by a number of publishing houses who are ready to pay handsomely for the story of my
07:41life.
07:42Now, I can't write this book, but I can certainly pick the man who does.
07:47That they're willing to pay someone seven figures to write an intimate portrait of the Austin Mangler?
07:53I hate that nickname, Austin Mangler.
07:56People get me confused with the Boston Strangler.
07:59And his strangling was shoddy at best.
08:02Wow, that is a lot of money.
08:04Yep.
08:05You could invest it responsibly in a mutual fund or put it away for your daughter's college education.
08:12Or, I could buy a sweet party RV that tows two jet skis and a bar.
08:19And I am sure that Jordan would want that for me, too.
08:25Sorry, I'm late.
08:27I knew you'd make it.
08:29You're an alcoholic.
08:30Finding a bar is like your superpower.
08:34Here's your dear Charlie, and he ordered a Shirley Temple for you.
08:37I'm sober, Charlie, not five years old.
08:39Do you want some extra cherries?
08:40Yay, fun.
08:41Yes, please.
08:43Don't do that again.
08:44I'll squeeze a lime in your eye.
08:48You know, I am so proud of you.
08:50You handled yourself very well with those prisoners today.
08:52You are going to make one hell of a criminal psychologist.
08:55Oh, no.
08:55You're being nice to me.
08:57What do you want?
08:57Money?
08:58I'm paying for this dinner, aren't I?
09:00Of course not.
09:01I just think that the best thing for you would be to spend some one-on-one time with a
09:05convict.
09:05Oh, my God.
09:06That would be great.
09:07It is just so hard to get access.
09:11You know what?
09:12I just got a great idea.
09:14What if you pretend to be engaged to Wayne?
09:17What?
09:18I can't be engaged to a convict.
09:20Oh, come on.
09:20Think about it.
09:21What better way to get an in-depth view into the mind of a sociopath?
09:24I get that from working with you.
09:27Come on, Charlie.
09:28We'll just be for a couple of months, and I want a party RV.
09:32What?
09:33Okay, I'm sorry.
09:35That came out all wrong.
09:37Let me be very clear.
09:39I need a party RV.
09:42I knew you couldn't just be nice.
09:43My mom said, maybe he's just being nice.
09:45And I said, there's no way.
09:46And she said, give him a chance.
09:47And I said, fine.
09:47And then my dad got on there.
09:48I get it.
09:49I get it.
09:49I get it.
09:51Wayne needs to pretend that he's got a fiancé, or they're going to ship him off to Texas.
09:55And if I can help, he's going to let me write a book about him that would make a fortune.
09:59Fine.
10:00As long as we get to write the book together, and I get half the money.
10:04Half?
10:04And half the rights of anything else that follows.
10:07Movies, TV, Broadway shows.
10:09Don't forget the action figure, G.I. Wayne.
10:12Now with super stamping action.
10:16I guess all I have to do now is get to know Wayne well enough to fool the board.
10:21I hope I can pull this off.
10:22Well, sure you can.
10:24You're a great liar.
10:26You lied this morning when you left the house and told yourself that dress looked good.
10:34Hey, Charlie.
10:36It's Patrick.
10:36I'm just leaving you a message to let you know we're still in Vegas.
10:41The room is nice.
10:43And, uh...
10:44Oh, yeah.
10:45Uh, you were wrong.
10:46I doubled the money.
10:47$200,000 in your...
10:50Crap, I lost the call.
10:54Hey, Charlie.
10:56It's Patrick.
10:56Face!
10:59It's gone.
11:00It's all gone.
11:01What's gone?
11:02The money.
11:03No, it's not.
11:04It's in the safe in the closet.
11:06Oh, my God!
11:06Where's the money?
11:08It's gone.
11:09It's all gone.
11:11$200,000 is gone?
11:13What the hell happened?
11:15When you were getting a massage, I grabbed $100 to go play roulette.
11:19But I lost it, so I used the rest of the money to try to get it back so you
11:22wouldn't get mad.
11:25Well, I'm mad!
11:27So it didn't work, but at least I tried!
11:31How...
11:31How could you let this happen?
11:33Hey, do not blame me!
11:35If you hadn't gotten that stupid two-hour massage, none of this would have happened.
11:40I only did it because I thought I was rich.
11:44I'm screwed.
11:45Your parents are gonna kill us.
11:47Okay.
11:49We're just gonna have to downsize the wedding.
11:51Oh, great idea.
11:52I'm sure no one will ask any questions when our Evite says that we're holding it in the
11:55banquet room of a sizzler.
11:58What are we gonna do?
11:59We're gonna do the same thing we always do.
12:01Get drunk and watch fashion, please!
12:03I don't see how that's gonna help.
12:05No.
12:06We're going to lie.
12:07To my parents?
12:09Haven't we lied enough to them?
12:12Apparently not.
12:13Okay.
12:16So far, the answers to your questions verify that you two have spent enough time with each
12:21other to conceivably be engaged.
12:23Just a couple more and we'll wrap this up.
12:26Uh, Dr. Denby, is your fiancé left-handed or right-handed?
12:30Well, according to the stories he's told me, he's ambidextrous.
12:33He shoots with his left, stabs with his right, and strangles with both.
12:37She's my girl.
12:40I mean...
12:43One last question, Dr. Denby.
12:46How do you justify marrying a convict?
12:50Well, we do come from the same part of the world.
12:54And I didn't expect this to happen, but I love him.
13:06Even though he has committed multiple murders in numerous states.
13:11Well, I'm not saying he's not a fixer-upper.
13:15But, uh, Mom always said you gotta mold a man.
13:21Well, I'm satisfied.
13:24Mr. Earl, as our wedding gift to you, the California penal system will allow you to stay
13:30in your current 6x9 cell for the next 200 years.
13:34Oh, thank you.
13:35That is a relief.
13:41So?
13:42What happened?
13:43She was a real champ, Charlie.
13:44She saved me.
13:46Twelfth time in my life, I think I'm in love.
13:51Okay, wait.
13:52We'll be in touch about the book.
13:54I knew you loved me.
13:56Don't worry.
13:57We will be together.
14:04What did he say?
14:05Was it about the book?
14:06He said, we will be together.
14:08But, like, with him driving and me in the trunk.
14:12I should tell the board that this was all a lie.
14:15But then there won't be any book, because they'll ship him off to Texas.
14:17I know, and I'll feel much better.
14:19You know what'll make you feel even better than that?
14:22A new jet ski with cherries all over it.
14:26Yay, fun.
14:30So where were you when they broke in?
14:33I was getting gifts for you to show our appreciation for the wedding.
14:38So let me understand.
14:41You cashed the check and brought all that money back to the house?
14:45The bank said the money would be safer here, because they've had so many bank robberies.
14:51So, where did you keep all this money?
14:54In Patrick's suitcase in the closet.
14:58We might as well have just thrown all the money away in Vegas.
15:04You're expecting us to write you another check for $100,000?
15:08Yeah, that'd be great.
15:09Thank you, Daddy.
15:12Fine.
15:13I'll have my accountant take care of it.
15:15We're just happy that you're safe.
15:17Let's go, Mira.
15:18Bye-bye, darling.
15:24By the way, next time you stage a robbery, you might want to scuff up a door or a window
15:29to make it look like someone was actually trying to get in here.
15:35Okay, Daddy, we will.
15:36Kisses.
15:40Jordan, I'm telling you, he's not going to do anything to you.
15:42You're blowing this way out of proportion.
15:44I have been listening to you for five hours, and I still don't feel better.
15:48I'm calling the board.
15:50To tell him what?
15:51That you lied?
15:53Wayne will get killed in a Texas jail.
15:55You don't care about that.
15:56You're just worried about losing your cool book deal in your stupid RV.
15:59Hey, hey, I can care about a lot of things at the same time.
16:02I am an emotional multitasker.
16:04Then why can't you care about the fact that this guy gives me the creeps?
16:09A lot of people give people the creeps.
16:11For instance, there's a really creepy guy who works at my liquor store.
16:14But that doesn't stop me from going in there four times a week.
16:18Here's my best argument.
16:20Even if this guy is obsessed with you, you have nothing to be afraid of.
16:23You saw how he was chained up, and he lives behind 20-foot concrete walls.
16:29You're right.
16:30I'm probably just being silly.
16:33Sweetie, you have nothing to worry about.
16:38Hey.
16:39Hello.
16:42Who are you?
16:44I'm a friend of Charlie's.
16:46Who are you?
16:47I live next door.
16:49How come I haven't seen you around?
16:51I don't get out much.
16:54Well, how do I know that you're actually his friend?
16:56Well, how do I know you're not some serial killer?
17:02That's a good point.
17:05Ooh, SpaghettiOs.
17:07Is there another can of those in here?
17:09I think so.
17:10I know there's a can of ravioli left.
17:13Sweet!
17:14It's my lucky day.
17:16You don't know how lucky.
17:20Hey, wait a second.
17:21Aren't those Charlie's clothes?
17:22Yeah.
17:25That's cool.
17:25This is his shirt, too.
17:33Thanks so much for letting me stay in your guest room.
17:36I guess I'm just still a little spooked.
17:39Oh, it's all right.
17:40But no matter how scared you are, do not sneak into my room in the middle of the night and
17:44start dumping me.
17:46What?
17:47Thanks.
17:47Your words, not mine.
17:53I'm just glad you changed your mind.
17:55And you'll see, everything's going to work out just fine.
17:58I don't know why I'm so worried.
18:00I mean, the guy's behind bars.
18:01So who are we talking about?
18:05Wayne.
18:06I didn't mean to startle you, my precious flower.
18:10So, Wayne, it's...
18:14Kind of funny you're here.
18:16Last time we saw you, you were in a maximum security prison.
18:20Yeah, I remember that.
18:21What happened to that?
18:24When you turned to me and told me you loved me, it sounded like you really meant it.
18:29Did it?
18:30Charlie, did it sound like that?
18:32I don't know.
18:33I wasn't in the room.
18:34Okay.
18:35Thanks.
18:37Jordan, when a man is in love, he has a winged heart that can soar over these earthly confinements.
18:43So I hid in the bottom of a garbage truck.
18:47Wayne, I gotta ask, what are you hoping to accomplish with this?
18:50You must be the center of a huge manhunt.
18:53That is why my fiancé and I need to get out of here and find ourselves a hiding spot.
19:01Fiancé, just hearing it gives me the chills.
19:04Me too.
19:11Wayne, wait.
19:13You can't just run off with Jordan.
19:15She's not really your fiancé.
19:17Oh, my God, you're right.
19:20That was just for the prison board.
19:22What was I thinking?
19:23Hey, you just got carried away.
19:26Yeah.
19:27We gotta make this real.
19:29Jordan, Joy, Demby, will you marry me?
19:34I don't know what to say.
19:35I'd say yes.
19:39Sure.
19:40I'll marry you.
19:41Yes.
19:42I knew it.
19:43Voices were wrong again.
19:45Awesome.
19:46This is great for the book.
19:48What?
19:48It's Wayne's redemption story.
19:50You're the first woman who's gonna marry that he's not gonna kill.
19:53Right, Wayne?
19:54Well, I'm no fortune teller, Charlie, but I got a good feeling about this one.
20:00Me too.
20:01Matter of fact, I'm gonna give you the keys to my cabin.
20:04Excuse me?
20:05Yeah, it's way out in the woods and no one will find you through for a long time.
20:09Jordan, can I talk to you for a second?
20:11Just call me from the road.
20:12I must say, I'm very humbled by your largesse.
20:15You know what?
20:16Jordan, you put on some music.
20:17I'll get the keys to the cabin.
20:18Wayne, there's a really good bottle of champagne in the fridge.
20:20I'm on it.
20:23So what kind of music am I supposed to make out for this?
20:26Come on, let's go.
20:27Is that like Journey or Springsteen?
20:29No, it's come on, let's go.
20:35Hey, Wayne.
20:37Brought back your canned ravioli.
20:39I noticed it was bulgy.
20:41I opened it, smelled weird, I tasted it, and it tasted funny.
20:45So here.
20:47A little morning martini?
20:49Yeah, I like to treat myself when I've cheated death.
20:54Oh, all right, yeah, yeah, he's back in jail.
20:57Yes, yes, and by the way, Sean, next time you come in and find a stranger in my kitchen,
21:03eating my food, wearing my clothes,
21:06do me a favor, shoot me a text, would you?
21:10Sure.
21:12Paranoid.
21:19Paranoid.
21:21Paranoid.
21:25Paranoid.
21:26Paranoid.
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