- 2 days ago
Jealousy
Ann comes down with a bad case of jealousy when Julie and Barbara begin spending time with their father's steady girlfriend, Candy. Meanwhile, Julie is beside herself when her boyfriend Jeff begins paying attention to a sexy cheerleader.
Ann comes down with a bad case of jealousy when Julie and Barbara begin spending time with their father's steady girlfriend, Candy. Meanwhile, Julie is beside herself when her boyfriend Jeff begins paying attention to a sexy cheerleader.
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00:02This is it, this is it, this is life, the one you get, so go and have a ball, this
00:10is it, this is it, straight ahead and rest assured, you can't be sure at all, so while you're here,
00:19enjoy the view, keep on doing what you do, hold on tight, we'll muddle through one day at a time,
00:26one day at a time, so up on your feet, up on your feet,
00:30somewhere there's music playing, don't you worry not, just take it like it's gone, one day at a time, one
00:39day at a time, one day at a time, one day at a time, one day at a time, one
00:46day at a time, one day at a time.
00:55Be kind to your web with his friends, for a duck may be solid, but he's a loser, they live
01:03in the dirt and the swamp, and wherever it is, Dom, now you may think that this is the end,
01:12well it is.
01:17Oh my goodness, Candy, it's been terrific, I think you're terrific, I had a great afternoon, oh it was fantastic,
01:27I want you to meet my mom, mom, mom, she's at home, and I had just the perfect introduction, excuse
01:35me,
01:36introducing, all the way from Rogansport, Indiana, the leading TV model, my father's girlfriend, the most beautiful creature on the
01:46face of the earth.
01:51Uh, mom, this, this is Candy Crothers, and you must be Anne, how do you do?
01:57Hi, I'm sorry I wasn't here to greet you, I was at the beauty shop, this always happens when they
02:05change operators.
02:08Anne said you had a sense of humor.
02:10Mom, would you believe it? We went to the circus, at our age, it was a gas, really.
02:16Well, you must have had a great weekend, you haven't looked like that since you were three weeks old. That
02:21was gas, too.
02:25Oh, Candy, don't forget, you promised to take us to the lake next week.
02:30Well, now that depends on your father, and your mother, of course.
02:34Oh, sure, any time.
02:37Well, I gotta go. I'm so glad I could finally meet you.
02:40You have two delightful daughters, and they were absolutely angels all weekend.
02:44Uh-oh, you must have brought back the wrong girls.
02:47I'm sorry, that's all they had.
02:50Goodbye, Anne. Goodbye, girls.
02:52Bye-bye, Candy.
02:53Oh, good luck with Jeff.
02:55You still going with Jeff?
02:57No.
02:57Hey, Mom, I mean, uh, the candy will rock you out.
03:20Oh, God.
03:22Kitchy, kitchy-goo.
03:24Hey, Mom, that doll with the girls, she looks very familiar,
03:29but I just can't place her. Who is she?
03:32Maybe you should have looked at her face.
03:43Hey, Mom, isn't candy neat?
03:45Oh, you should have seen Daddy doing the bump with candy.
03:52She got your father to do that?
03:54Sure, he's a new man since he met candy.
03:56Oh, yeah.
03:58Can't tell you how delighted I am.
04:00Uh, Mom, how was your weekend?
04:03Oh, terrific, just terrific.
04:06Yesterday I had a fantastic time cleaning the oven,
04:09and today I celebrate it by scrubbing the john.
04:15Hello.
04:16Hi, David.
04:17Great outfit. Neiman Marcus?
04:23Stop talking about candy. Don't you have any sensitivity?
04:27What do you mean?
04:28Mom's jealous.
04:30Jealous?
04:31Oh, that's beautiful.
04:33I-I swear, I went to Cincinnati this weekend on business.
04:36Crossed my heart.
04:39Jealous of what?
04:40Uh, Teen Magazine says that whenever an ex-husband goes out with somebody,
04:45it produces an anxiety syndrome,
04:47especially when it's somebody like candy.
04:50Teen Magazine yet?
04:52When did you graduate from boy's life?
04:57Okay, come on, go get cleaned up.
04:59I got a surprise for you.
05:00Beef stroganoff.
05:01Beef stroganoff, Mom.
05:03Full up to here with popcorn, cotton candy, and hot dogs.
05:06And a burrito.
05:08You want us to barf?
05:13Stupid Mom tried to top a burrito with stroganoff.
05:19Who's candy?
05:20Candy Crothers, Ed's girlfriend.
05:23Candy Crothers.
05:26Wait a minute.
05:28Of course.
05:30Oh, she's the one that does that.
05:32Hey, no wonder you're jealous.
05:36I'm not jealous, David.
05:39Does what?
05:40That TV commercial.
05:42Candy?
05:42Yeah, you know.
05:43You've seen it.
05:44She's lying on this, on this chaise lounge.
05:47You know, in these velvet lounging pajamas.
05:50And she sort of goes like this.
06:02Hi there.
06:05Want to know what makes my motor run?
06:10Raceway spark plugs.
06:14That's supposed to sell spark plugs?
06:16Well, it's sold one.
06:18I, uh, keep it under my pillow.
06:24Oh.
06:26Squeeze me.
06:29That doll with the girls, I remember now.
06:31She's the squeeze me girl from television.
06:35She's laying on this chaise lounge, right?
06:37She got on these sexy PJs.
06:40Okay.
06:41Now she rolls over, takes out an orange, and she says,
06:48squeeze me girl.
06:57Don't tell me.
06:58Let me guess.
07:00You bought an orange, and you keep it under your pillow.
07:03Are you kidding me?
07:04What, do you think I'm a fruitcake?
07:08Okay, the spark plug goes, but I'm keeping my teddy bear.
07:12Mr. Romano, you know this woman?
07:16Uh, yeah.
07:16She's Ed's girlfriend.
07:17She brought the girls home.
07:18Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
07:21Things going pretty, uh, pretty good for your ex, huh?
07:24Schneider.
07:25Uh.
07:26Fold.
07:26I'll get it.
07:31Hi.
07:32Oh, hi.
07:33It's me again.
07:34Julie left these in the car.
07:36Candy, let me introduce you.
07:37Candy Crothers.
07:38Hi there, David Cain, Anne's attorney.
07:40Hi.
07:42David Cain, Anne's attorney.
07:44I'm Dwayne Schneider.
07:45I'm the super building.
07:53Uh, listen, if you ever need, uh, any legal advice, you know, just feel free to give me
07:59a call.
08:00Oh.
08:00Yeah, well, you know, if you need your steam pipes fixed, or, uh, you know, a disposal
08:06or a toilet or, uh, you know, a pot going to be.
08:10You forgot the makeup.
08:12Oh, thanks.
08:13Remember, you put those eyelashes on just like I showed you, and Trish will eat her
08:18heart out.
08:19Trish?
08:20Trish the dish.
08:22Trish's girlfriend.
08:23That's what she thinks.
08:26Candy.
08:26You have saved my life.
08:28My entire life.
08:30Well, I haven't been out of high school so long that I've forgotten how you feel.
08:38Well, I really gotta go this time.
08:41Goodbye.
08:44Sure nice meeting you guys.
08:46Uh, the pleasure is all mine, really.
08:49No!
08:49Oh, uh, by the way, uh, just in case you fall off your chaise lounge, want to sue somebody,
08:55uh, my cord.
08:57Always reach me right here.
08:59Oh, thank you.
09:01Uh, I'm all out of my cord.
09:06But, uh, if you want to reach me, uh, just, uh, well, wait a minute, I'm not going to give
09:13you my phone number.
09:14People don't remember phone numbers.
09:15If you want to call me, just dial All Love.
09:21A-L-L-L-O-V-E.
09:25Right.
09:25Gotcha.
09:27Well, uh, thanks.
09:28Goodbye, everyone.
09:29We'll walk you to the elevator.
09:30Okay.
09:30Remember, A-L-L-L-O-V-E.
09:33All Love.
09:41I, uh, come to think of it, I think I got a business card in my tool chest.
09:47That is amazing.
09:49Did you hear that?
09:50All Love.
09:52And.
09:53And.
09:58She is nice, isn't she?
10:00Well, yeah, the girls really seem to like her.
10:02I didn't say they didn't.
10:04I didn't say you didn't say they didn't.
10:07Touchy-touchy.
10:09Come on, kid, help me practice with these eyelashes.
10:12Uh, Julie, uh, about Jeff, I, uh, I thought you dumped him a couple of weeks ago.
10:17He dumped her.
10:18Did not.
10:19Oh, then how come he's taking Trish the Dish out Saturday night?
10:22Uh, Trish the Dish?
10:24Some dumb cheerleader.
10:26You know, a pom-pom girl.
10:27With pom-poms out there.
10:33You know, I told you about her.
10:36I bared my whole soul to you.
10:37You don't even listen.
10:39Typical parent.
10:41Maybe it was Candy I told.
10:45Forget it.
10:45It doesn't even matter.
10:47Julie, uh, the bottom line of the soap opera is, Jeff dumped her for Trish, and Candy is
10:53gonna change her into a new woman to win him back.
10:56Miracle in the ages.
10:59Oh.
11:00Mia, Mia, what have I done wrong?
11:02Julie, don't you know you're a knockout?
11:04Knockout?
11:05Yes.
11:05With this ugly hair?
11:07A body you could use to pick a lock?
11:10Ma, you do not understand.
11:13David, explain it to her.
11:15You still remember high school?
11:20Julie, come on.
11:21Take it easy.
11:22Yeah, David.
11:24Explain it to me.
11:26Oh, Ann, you know kids.
11:27Oh, well, not as well as you and Candy do, obviously.
11:32Oh.
11:35Candy seems to be a delightful person.
11:38I'm glad she's so friendly with the girls.
11:40Oh, really?
11:41Sure, why not?
11:42Well, I mean, it would be perfectly normal if you were just a little bit jealous of their
11:47friendship.
11:48You know, David, you seem to have jealousy on the brain.
11:51If Candy can communicate with them, more power to her.
11:53I'm delighted.
11:54It's the last thing I'd get uptight about.
11:56Um, I wanted to apologize for being...
11:58Great!
11:59Just great!
12:00You left the top off and now the ginger ale is flat.
12:02Every bottle in that refrigerator is flat.
12:05Now, I know you don't have to pay for anything, but at least you can be a little responsible around
12:09here.
12:20Okay, I admit it.
12:21I, uh, left the top off the ginger ale.
12:23Good deal!
12:25Hey, Mom, I came in to apologize for shouting at you.
12:29I'm really sorry that I shouted at you!
12:33Uh, really, Mom, I'll, uh, buy another ginger ale.
12:45You want to fool around?
12:55Shut up, David.
12:57In that case, I'll, uh, settle for a little stroganoff.
13:02Ah, dear, Mia, what am I doing?
13:09Ah, you know, you know, David, you were right.
13:13I am jealous.
13:14Ever since Candy walked in, I've been acting like, uh, you son idiota.
13:18That's a normal reaction.
13:22David, Ed and Candy get to take the girls out and have all the fun,
13:25and when they come home, I get to say,
13:27clean your room, do your homework, scrub your face.
13:30Julie has problems with her boyfriend.
13:32She's hurt.
13:33Does she come to me about it?
13:34No, she wants the confidence of some, some public orange squeezer.
13:39Good, vent your spleen.
13:40Get it all out.
13:42Ed did this to me on purpose.
13:43He picked a young, likable, gorgeous girl just to get back at me.
13:46That's helping.
13:47Lay it off on Ed.
13:49Oh, you're a terrific help.
13:52I know where your mind is at.
13:55Hi there.
13:58Squeeze my spark plug.
14:05Triple play.
14:07Candy to Ed to David.
14:10It has nothing to do with Candy or Ed or you.
14:14Don't you understand anything?
14:16Yeah, I understand.
14:17Do you?
14:18What's your problem, Ann?
14:19Me?
14:20Well, I don't have a problem.
14:22I have two daughters who'd rather spend their time with another woman.
14:25I wouldn't call that a problem.
14:27Remember me, Ann?
14:28I'm the man who handled your divorce.
14:30And I seem to recall that all you wanted out of that divorce was those two children.
14:34And that they made the decision to live with you.
14:37Well, they're yours now.
14:38And they're your responsibility.
14:42Oh, sometimes I wish they weren't.
14:48Oh, David, see, I want to be the good guy sometimes.
14:55I want to be Candy Crothers and get to do all the fun stuff and be nice all the time.
15:00So be the good guy.
15:01I can't.
15:03I've got to be Annie Romano, the drudge, the villain, the harpy, the shrew.
15:07Put them all together.
15:08They spell mother.
15:12May it please the court.
15:15Now then, Ms. Romano, isn't it true that your mother on occasion would yell at you for no apparent reason?
15:23And furthermore, did she or did she not nag you until it drove you crazy?
15:28Of course.
15:29And you hated her for it, didn't you?
15:31Didn't you?
15:32Oh, sometimes I don't know.
15:32Ms. Romano, come now.
15:34That harpy, that shrew, you certainly couldn't have loved her.
15:38Could you?
15:43Okay.
15:47I understood what she had to do.
15:50She was a mother and it came with the territory.
15:54Spoken like a true daughter.
15:59The persecution rests.
16:08I, uh, I gotta go talk to the girls.
16:10I gotta split.
16:12Uh, needs a little more salt.
16:14See, I have many other clients to console with problem children.
16:18And, uh, the King family, the Osmond family, Pat Boone.
16:25Fuck!
16:34It's not Mom's fault, you know.
16:36Yeah, that's easy for you to say.
16:38You're a baby.
16:40That round face and that icky little nose.
16:42Look, Caroline.
16:44Did you ever stop and think about anybody but yourself?
16:47Mom's been having a bad time.
16:49She's down on herself.
16:50Well, obviously, you can't relate to that.
16:52Just what I need is shrunk shrink.
16:57Well, we haven't helped much with our big plate of candy.
17:01Can't you see candy's younger and successful and prettier?
17:05Just like Trish the dish.
17:08Trish is only six months younger.
17:12And six cups bigger.
17:17Yeah.
17:19Now I know how Goodrich feels.
17:21Without the blimps.
17:24How does this eyelash look?
17:25Oh, just great if you want to keep the sun off your nose.
17:32Hi.
17:33Hi, Mom.
17:36Well, I'm back.
17:37The blast-off was a little violent, but the re-entry is normal, I think.
17:42Sure, Mom.
17:43We understand.
17:44We?
17:47Julie.
17:48Sure.
17:49Don't worry about our feelings.
17:52Julie, look.
17:55I made a fool out of myself, okay?
17:58I admit that.
18:01I'm sorry.
18:06Okay.
18:08Look, I'm really pleased if candy can help you with Jeffrey.
18:13What's that?
18:18It's an eyelash.
18:19I was just trying, you know, is that a crime?
18:21Julie, all I said was, what's that?
18:24Mom, Julie.
18:25Well, I...
18:25Pardon me, ladies.
18:27Pardon me, Carter.
18:29What are you doing in the bedroom?
18:31Well, there was nobody in the living room.
18:34Look, Mr. Mano.
18:36There's a suspicious-looking character.
18:39A very suspicious-looking character, and he's creeping around downstairs, see?
18:43And he wants to try to find out if you people are home.
18:46Now, as the building super, it's my job, you know, to protect you people.
18:51What suspicious character?
18:53Well, there's a creepy-looking guy.
18:54He's got long hair and pretty blue jeans.
18:55He's got a baggy t-shirt with a rabbit on it, something.
18:58A rabbit?
18:59That's Jeff!
19:00Mom, what's he doing here?
19:01What does he want?
19:01Well, he said he wanted to check out some homework.
19:04I'll get rid of him.
19:05No, no, send him up.
19:07No, no, don't send him up.
19:09Send him up slowly.
19:12I've got you six points.
19:15Send him up slowly.
19:19Oh, where's my lipstick?
19:21Where's my...
19:21Oh, baby, honey, take it easy.
19:23You don't need to use that stuff, really.
19:26Trish the Dish uses it, Ma.
19:28Does the world need another Trish the Dish?
19:31Candy is a model.
19:33She knows where it's at.
19:34Candy is also ten years older than you are.
19:38Ah, baby, anyway, you're not gonna be on TV.
19:40Oh, yeah?
19:41I am, too.
19:42The news.
19:44Jilted woman drowns herself
19:46because her mother wants her to look like a vestal virgin.
19:51Film at 11.
19:59You keep quiet, shrimp.
20:02Oh, my God, Ma.
20:03That's him stalling, please.
20:05But, honey, if you would just not use this stuff, it was...
20:08Please, please, Ma.
20:10Please, please, please.
20:12Oh.
20:22What are you doing?
20:23What do you think I'm doing?
20:24My chest has got a cold.
20:29She's trying to look like Trish the Dish, eh?
20:31Stop that.
20:33You have got a great body.
20:36Yeah, next to Trish,
20:37I'll look like a Q-tip with eyes.
20:55Barbie.
20:57Why did I have to inherit everything from Dad?
21:23Well, aren't you gonna tell her I'm here?
21:26Oh.
21:27Yeah.
21:29That's not a bad idea.
21:39You...
21:40No.
21:41I'm gonna go tell her.
21:45Julie!
21:47Jeff's here!
21:51Uh, Jeff, see, what's probably happening is she's, uh, checking some notes.
22:00Well, uh, to be honest, I just wanted to see her.
22:03I kinda used the homework for an excuse.
22:05Oh?
22:07Is Julie mad at me?
22:08No.
22:09Jeff, I'm sure she isn't.
22:11Well, I don't think she was real thrilled when I started dating Trish.
22:15Trish?
22:15She's a cheerleader.
22:17I like her, but she's not real.
22:21She wears all this gunk.
22:23You know, cherry lipstick, strawberry shampoo, lemon deodorant.
22:29It's like going out with a fruit salad.
22:36Uh, Jeff.
22:38Oh, hi, Barbie.
22:40What's keeping Julie?
22:41Uh, she's cleaning up.
22:43She's been, um, sculpting.
22:50Uh, Jeff, you want something to drink?
22:52Yeah, yeah, we got, uh, flat ginger ale.
22:59Uh, come on, Jeff.
23:01Have something to eat.
23:02We got some cake.
23:04There's something going on.
23:07Look, if she doesn't want to see me, I mean, that's okay.
23:10Hi, Jeff.
23:22Uh, I-I-I forgot my notebook. I'll go get it.
23:25You got it in your hand.
23:28Oh, how dumb.
23:29Look, forget the homework.
23:31I really came by to ask you if you wanted to go out Saturday night.
23:35What about Trish?
23:36Uh, I broke it off.
23:38She's okay, but she's kind of phony.
23:42That's what I like about you.
23:44You're so real.
23:49Uh, Jeff.
23:53If we're gonna start going out again, um,
23:56I guess I might as well show you how real I am.
24:10You're a crazy nut.
24:13Mom?
24:14Huh?
24:15You know what?
24:18I tell you.
24:20Really?
24:21I get awful tired of you being right all the time.
24:37I think I will have some of that ginger ale.
24:40Okay, but I, uh, said it was flat.
24:42Well, we could always stuff it with Kleenex.
25:09Laughes!
25:10This program was recorded on tape
25:13before a live audience.
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