- 2 days ago
Super Blues
Ann is throwing a party in her apartment and has invited other tenants in the building. She begins to go through pre-party panic and it doesn't help when Schneider drops in with whistles, joy buzzers and whoopee cushions, expecting an invitation, only to discover he is not wanted.
Ann is throwing a party in her apartment and has invited other tenants in the building. She begins to go through pre-party panic and it doesn't help when Schneider drops in with whistles, joy buzzers and whoopee cushions, expecting an invitation, only to discover he is not wanted.
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TVTranscript
00:02This is it, this is it, this is life, the one you get, so go and have a ball.
00:10This is it, this is it, straight ahead, and rest assured, you can't be sure at all.
00:17So while you're here, enjoy the view, keep on doing what you do.
00:22Hold on tight, we'll muddle through one day at a time, one day at a time.
00:27So up on your feet, up on your feet, somewhere there's music playing, don't you worry not, just take it
00:37like it's gone one day at a time.
00:39One day at a time, one day at a time, one day at a time, one day at a time,
00:47one day at a time, one day at a time.
00:56You see my hoop earrings?
01:01Barbara!
01:02Stop!
01:02Please, you're driving me crazy.
01:04Short trip, wasn't it?
01:07My earrings!
01:08You're wearing my earrings.
01:09Take them off.
01:10I need them for the party.
01:11They're not your earrings.
01:12I bought them.
01:14I loaned you half the money.
01:16Give them!
01:16Okay, you can have one until you pay me back.
01:20Boy, I'm glad I wasn't buying a bra.
01:23A bra!
01:24Will you get your gym shoes out of the bathroom, please?
01:26It's a small room with very poor ventilation.
01:29What's everybody getting so uptight for?
01:31I'm not uptight.
01:32The guests are due to arrive any minute and I can't find my pantyhose.
01:35You got them on.
01:36No, I have peach on.
01:38I hate peach.
01:39What I'm looking for are the Melba.
01:41You're wearing my pantyhose.
01:43Take them off.
01:43I can't.
01:44Why not?
01:45Well, see, I don't like peach and I don't like Melba.
01:48But I love them together.
01:50Get it?
01:50Peach, Melba.
01:51I get it.
01:52Take off the Melba hose.
01:53Okay, okay.
01:55Hey, Julie, the shrimp.
01:56Uh, would you spread them around so they don't look so skimpy?
01:59I'll push them closer together.
02:01Maybe they'll mate.
02:03Ooh, Barbara, how do I look?
02:04I mean, how's the dress?
02:05Great.
02:06Terrific.
02:07You're like your father.
02:08You don't even look.
02:09Mom, come on.
02:10Take it easy.
02:11Oh.
02:13Julie, would you take off the Melba hose now?
02:15All right.
02:16Quick.
02:16All right.
02:17All right.
02:17I'll get it.
02:17All right.
02:21Hi, guys.
02:36Sudden stop on the elevator?
02:40David, don't ask dumb questions.
02:43Mom likes to wear two pairs of pantyhose.
02:45You really don't trust me, do you?
02:48David, where's it again?
02:50This whole thing was your dumb idea.
02:52I didn't want to have this party, but you wouldn't listen.
02:54Mom, if I can't have the pantyhose, at least make this pump give me the other earring.
02:59What do you want?
02:59Both ends to freeze?
03:00Julie.
03:01Take it, okay?
03:02Thank you, okay?
03:03You're welcome.
03:04Okay.
03:05Would you two stop all this squabbling?
03:07I really have enough to worry about here.
03:09Mom's having her annual hostess breakdown.
03:12Anne, Anne, come on.
03:13Relax, relax.
03:14The place looks great.
03:15You look great.
03:17Boy, do you look great.
03:19Julie, why didn't you tell me I was unzipped?
03:21Would you do me up, please?
03:22Mom, I can't.
03:23My nails are wet.
03:24Oh, David, I don't want to have this party.
03:26Anne, Anne, take it easy.
03:28Everything's done.
03:29The hard part's over.
03:30You sound just like my ex-husband, because he never did anything.
03:33Hey, I made the deviled eggs.
03:35I'm making the salad.
03:35Except you want to make love the minute I got all dressed.
03:38Uh, uh, David, zip me, would you?
03:41Okay.
03:42After I do, you want to make love?
03:45David, don't fool around.
03:46Just zip me, okay?
03:48Hey, Julie, did you make the onion dip?
03:49Yeah, love.
03:50Good.
03:50David, zip.
03:51I'm trying.
03:51Oh, uh, Barbara, did you do what I asked you to do?
03:54Right.
03:54Uh, I put the cheap vodka in the Smirnoff bottle.
03:56Good.
03:56Hold still.
04:00Oh, damn, it's stuck.
04:02Oh, will you let me?
04:04No, I can do it.
04:05Allow me.
04:06I mean, it's not much, but it's a lot more fun than fooling with my own zipper.
04:15Come on, Barbara.
04:17There's nothing more embarrassing than adults at play.
04:20Uh, if you just pull it up.
04:21Uh, uh, David, would you hurry, please?
04:24I don't want the guests to find me like this.
04:26Anne, relax.
04:27It's better with it.
04:27Come on.
04:28It seems to be stuck.
04:29Well, if it ain't hanky and panky.
04:33Schneider, the zipper's stuck.
04:34I can see that it's stuck.
04:36The question is, which way was it going when it got stuck?
04:41Ariba or a bajo?
04:44Schneider, is there any reason why you came in unannounced?
04:47Yeah.
04:48We brought you some mail.
04:51What is it?
04:51Child support check.
04:53It arrived with three cents postage due.
04:57Boy, you are really a bumblefingers.
05:00I mean, if all the men in the world were as slow as you, we'd never need the pill.
05:07You know who could have used the pill?
05:09Your mother.
05:14I'll fix the zipper.
05:17You fix juries.
05:18I fix zippers.
05:21Permate.
05:24Now, Miss Romano, I want you to take a deep breath.
05:27Trust me.
05:33Thanks.
05:37Hey, what are you?
05:38You having a party?
05:39Yeah, just a few people dropping by.
05:42Well, that's strange.
05:43I didn't hear about no party.
05:44I mean, as a super here, I try to, you know, keep tabs and everything that's happening.
05:49Well, uh, Schneider, do you mind?
05:50We're expecting the guests.
05:52Well, who's coming?
05:53Well, just a few.
05:54Very, very few people.
05:56Uh, hey, look, the salad.
05:58Look, I, uh, I still have to make the salad.
06:00We got an awful lot to do here.
06:01So, uh, if you'd excuse us, please.
06:03Hey, I'll help.
06:04You're having a party?
06:05You want it right for your friends?
06:06I'm here to help.
06:07I mean, what are friends for?
06:08Uh, thanks, Schneider, but I really, uh, think that...
06:11Hey, listen, I got a dartboard that you have, you can have, and I got, um, I got a, a
06:15dribble
06:15glass.
06:15I go like this, and then the dribble can come up.
06:17Ooh, and I got a, what do you call it, I got a, a, a, a, a surefire roll of
06:21TP with
06:21some jokes on it.
06:22Uh, uh, no, thanks, Schneider.
06:25Was that the Olsen's piano?
06:27Yeah, I borrowed it.
06:29Well, did they know that?
06:30Ha!
06:30Uh, yeah, they're coming to the party.
06:33Oh, you, you asked the Olsen's?
06:36Well, you're having people from the building.
06:38Uh, just a few.
06:42Yeah, we got to have some people in from the building, huh?
06:46Well, you know, I guess I should go down and check my mail.
06:48I mean, a lot of stuff is getting lost in the mail nowadays.
06:50You know, I mean, your, uh, your, your, your bills, your, your ads, your invitations.
06:57Oh, uh, listen, would you like a whoopee cushion?
07:03I knew I forgot something.
07:06Well, if you want to get in touch with me, I'll be in my apartment.
07:13Did somebody come?
07:15Yeah, the Burt Reynolds of the boiler room.
07:17Uh-huh.
07:18Schneider was, uh, dropping hints about, uh, being invited to the party.
07:23I don't know, maybe I should have included him.
07:25I mean, he knows everyone who'll be here.
07:27Well, why don't you invite everyone else he knows, too,
07:30when we can all sit around and play pin the tail on the sump pump.
07:33Oh, damn it!
07:35The disposal is broken!
07:37What's wrong with it?
07:38I don't know, David!
07:40Fix it!
07:41I don't know what to fix it.
07:42Oh, David, do, uh, something.
07:47Well?
07:48Oh, Barbara, would you get your gym shoes out of here?
07:50Here we go again.
07:52So that's what it is.
07:53I thought maybe the eggs had gone bad.
07:56Uh, hey, uh, Barbara, would you do me another favor?
07:59Would you, uh, call Schneider and ask him to come up and, uh, fix the disposal?
08:03What do you think's the matter?
08:04Oh, it's perfectly obvious.
08:06The warranty must have expired this morning.
08:12Schneider?
08:13Uh, yeah, this is Barbie.
08:15Listen, could you come up here?
08:17Uh, yeah, my mom wants you.
08:19No, no, she asked me to call you.
08:21Okay, thanks.
08:22Bye-bye.
08:23Yeah, it's not working.
08:25Barbara!
08:27Uh, don't call him.
08:28I just did.
08:30You told me to.
08:31All of a sudden, she listens.
08:34Call him back.
08:35Why?
08:36Because, David, it's like rubbing it in.
08:38He knows we're having a party.
08:39Can't you fix it yourself?
08:40Anne, I am not a plumber.
08:41I'm a lawyer.
08:43Then talk to it.
08:51Should I call him back or not?
08:53Yes.
08:54No.
08:55Dave.
08:55Look, Anne, it is the man's job to fix things.
08:58Yeah, David, I know that.
09:00But, I mean, now he'll, he's gonna think he's invited to the party.
09:02I don't want to hurt his feelings.
09:03And the only way you could hurt his feelings would be for you to get a bigger tattoo than
09:08he has.
09:09Maybe I should have included him in the first place.
09:12I don't know.
09:12Anne, will you be honest with yourself?
09:14In the first place, it never even occurred to you to include him in the first place.
09:19Then he came up here and he saw you were having a party and so he started dropping a lot
09:24of
09:24hints and he got you feeling guilty.
09:25I don't feel guilty, David.
09:28All right, all right, Anne.
09:29Salve your conscience and ruin the party.
09:31Okay, invite Schneider.
09:32Invite his whoopee cushion, too.
09:35What's a whoopee cushion?
09:36It must be some kind of sex aid.
09:41Boy, I can just see it.
09:43Schneider's gonna be the life of the party.
09:45Yes, sir.
09:46He'll wear the lampshade, tell his playboy party jokes, pinch all the women.
09:51Everyone will scream and fight.
09:54Someone will call the police.
09:55They'll send in the SWAT team and by morning we'll all be dead.
10:02Okay, gang, this is it.
10:04First guest.
10:06The gym shoes.
10:08Ouch.
10:09Julie, look at that.
10:10Ma, can't I leave him here?
10:11It'll make it look like we're having a hot party.
10:14Would you be back?
10:15Come on, I gotta get the door.
10:16Let me come with you.
10:17Uh.
10:20Have no fear, the Schneider's here.
10:30What do you wear under that, Schneider?
10:32Aqua velvet, a drop on each cheek.
10:38Schneider, you are a vision.
10:40What happened?
10:41Your pizza exploded?
10:44Don't knock it, counselor.
10:46If skirts are good enough for the Supreme Court, they are good enough for me.
10:49But on a gala night like tonight, why don't you and I, uh, call a truce, huh?
10:54What do you say?
10:55Truce?
10:56Okay, truce.
11:01It's the old buzzer trick, right?
11:03Yeah, look, I'll tell you what.
11:05I'll put it here on the sofa, and I'll camouflage it with this pillow here.
11:09Now, the first lady that sits on that is gonna be the first lady in space.
11:14Oh, boy, what a night.
11:15Am I in the mood for a party?
11:17I really am gonna enjoy my...
11:34Schneider, that's really neat.
11:36I like that.
11:36Hey, when am I, the first one?
11:38Well, I don't mind.
11:39Listen, whenever I'm invited, I like to show my appreciation by being on time.
11:44Oh, these here are some of those beautiful Hawaiian Nicodemus nuts.
11:48Can I have some?
11:49Sure, help yourself.
11:53I love the excitement.
11:55Hey, did you get the disposal fixed?
11:57Your what?
11:58Disposal?
11:58Uh, Schneider, would you, uh, like a deviled egg?
12:01Yeah, they're real good.
12:02I made them myself.
12:03You see, I...
12:03You want some shrimp?
12:04There's only a few left.
12:05You know, and I whip them up, and I put some, uh, parsley on them.
12:08The, uh, disposal is broken.
12:12Oh, yeah, that's why we called you.
12:15Yes!
12:16Some wild outfit.
12:18Going someplace?
12:19Yeah.
12:23I'm going in the kitchen, and I'm gonna fix your disposal.
12:26Don't worry about it, Schneider, for...
12:28Ms. Romano, a superintendent's job is to fix things.
12:32And that's what I am.
12:34I'm a superintendent.
12:37Hey, uh, Schneider, you know, uh, we really appreciate this, old buddy.
12:42Uh, I had no idea what to do with all that garbage.
12:45You, uh, you stop it, Counselor.
12:47You just stop it.
12:53Did you forget to press the reset button?
12:56Yeah.
12:57There.
12:59Let's see if it works.
13:01Don't...
13:18Oh, Schneider, I am so sorry.
13:20Uh, I tell you, Ms. Romano, it, uh, comes with the territory.
13:23Uh, actually, uh, you were lucky to catch me in.
13:26I mean, I was, uh, I was on my way out to a big to-do at the lodge.
13:30Oh, uh, please stay.
13:33I tell you, uh, by the time I take a shower and get into a suit, uh, I'll barely make
13:40it to the lodge.
13:40Uh, maybe after that?
13:43After that, I have a date with two lady friends for a little tete-a-tete-a-tete.
13:49I mean, it is Saturday night, you know, uh, I got so many invites, so I'm surprised I accepted yours.
13:54But, uh, I want to thank you, you know, for the drink and the snack and say hello to all
13:58my friends in the building.
14:03Oh, David, I feel terrible.
14:06Man, come on, he'll survive.
14:08Look, I lost a case today, and I'll survive.
14:11Of course, my client won't.
14:22Snyder forgot his whoopee cushion.
14:25I'll get it, Mom, I'll get it.
14:27Oh.
14:28Mr. and Mrs. Rance.
14:29Oh, Kitty, Rance, come on in.
14:33I told you we'd be the first ones.
14:35Well, I wasn't going to walk around the hall any longer.
14:38Hey, uh, what are you folks drinking, huh?
14:40Uh, well, I'll have vodka, uh, Smirnoff, if you've got it.
14:44Oh, we've got it.
14:47Uh, Ginny, how about you?
14:48No, thank you.
14:49I don't approve of drinking.
14:52How about a little grass?
14:54No, thank you.
14:55I'm not hungry.
15:00He's, uh, just kidding.
15:02Uh, look, uh, would you excuse me for a minute?
15:05I-I gotta go downstairs and get some ice cubes.
15:07Oh, Ann, it's okay.
15:08I brought ice.
15:09Here you go.
15:09Oh, thanks.
15:10How about that?
15:11He brought ice cubes.
15:12I lied.
15:16I told you she was strange.
15:19I certainly hope that something happens to goose up this party.
15:28Something happens.
15:35Yeah?
15:54Miss Romano.
15:57Can I come in?
15:58Yeah, sure.
16:01I, um, I was just gonna change into a bowling shirt.
16:05I'm not gonna go to the lodge.
16:06I mean, it's just so much a guy can do in one evening.
16:09I mean, this is a very, uh, nice apartment.
16:12I mean, this is a very, uh, nice apartment.
16:13It's very masculine.
16:15Yeah, it's, uh, it's got a great view.
16:19You stand on a box.
16:26To, uh, uh, what do I, uh, owe this honor?
16:35Dwayne, I want you to come back up to the party.
16:38Something else break?
16:40Okay, I'll admit I didn't ask you before.
16:42I'm asking you now.
16:44Mr. Romano, I, I got your message loud and clear.
16:47I'm the super.
16:48You're the tenant.
16:50Never the train shall meet.
16:53Look, I'm, uh, trying to apologize to you.
16:55Why won't you let...
16:56Romano, you do not apologize to a super.
16:59I mean, it's, it's just not done.
17:02Dwayne.
17:02Hmm, Dwayne, right?
17:04It's Dwayne when they need you.
17:06But it's Schneider when they want to get rid of you.
17:09Schneider.
17:10Dwayne!
17:10Well, I was a kid, see, growing up.
17:12I mean, the super was always the good guy.
17:14I mean, he was always the hero.
17:15I mean, he, he always fixed things.
17:18He protected people.
17:20Like John Wayne.
17:24Like El Duco.
17:29You know, that's very interesting.
17:30I mean, look, he wears his gun belt just the way you wear your tool belt.
17:34And you think that's silly, don't you?
17:36No!
17:37No!
17:37I mean, he has his six-shooter, you have your plunger.
17:40You sure you don't have your little jokes at my expense?
17:43Oh, no.
17:44Listen, I really admire you.
17:46I mean, you can fix anything.
17:49That's, that's telling.
17:50Oh, let me up, will you?
17:51If I were to disappear tomorrow, who would miss me?
17:55Ha!
17:56Ha!
17:56Look at that.
17:57It's unanimous.
17:58I should really go ahead and end it all.
18:00Oh, no, I don't do that.
18:02Oh, it's no big deal.
18:03I do a half gainer into the incinerator, it's over in the place.
18:08Incinerator?
18:09All right.
18:10The trash compactor.
18:12Now, the headache could be murder.
18:17Well, you really feel sorry for yourself, don't you?
18:21Well, why shouldn't I?
18:23I mean, what the hell have I got here?
18:25You, you, at least, you got the two kids.
18:27You ever live with two teenagers and a telephone?
18:30That is a loan.
18:34Romano, you have been divorced one year.
18:38I have been divorced ten.
18:41Ten years of nobody opening a window and you wanted it closed.
18:49Ten years of not waiting to get into the bathroom.
18:57Ten years of getting into the shower without being slapped in the face by a wet bra.
19:07How long were you married?
19:09Three weeks.
19:17Snyder, I was married for 17 years.
19:21Come on now, I mean, do you realize how tough it was for me to walk into a restaurant alone
19:26for the first time?
19:30Yeah, I hate that. I hate that.
19:34See, the thing is about it is, I don't know where to look before they give me my food.
19:41Well, well, I look at the, I look at the married couples not talking to each other.
19:46I guess that's loneliness.
19:48Not having somebody not to talk to.
19:52That's nothing.
19:53Try waking up at three o'clock in the morning when you can't go back to sleep.
19:56I know.
19:57I watch television at that hour, but you are so vulnerable.
20:01Last night, I watched The Bride of Frankenstein.
20:03I cried at the wedding.
20:10You're better off than me.
20:12I was jealous.
20:19You watched it, too?
20:21Sure.
20:22I mean, it beats laying there staring into space.
20:24You know how many squares there are on that ceiling?
20:27Two hundred and forty-three.
20:29One hundred and six in mine.
20:37When the lights are just right, shining on those pipes, they look like two dinosaurs mating.
20:50Those dinosaurs are in a very awkward position.
20:56No wonder they're extinct.
21:04You're all right.
21:05You're okay.
21:05Hey, let me get you some ice there for your drink.
21:09You know, Miss Romano,
21:12it was really nice of you to come down here and apologize to me,
21:16but if the truth is known,
21:21I owe you an apology.
21:25I knew, you know, that I wasn't invited to your party.
21:29Excuse me.
21:30I figured, you know, that maybe
21:34me and my caftan, we could bluff our way in.
21:38You know, Schneider, that's a hard thing to admit.
21:42I want you to know,
21:43it has been a pleasure being miserable with you.
21:47I'll drink that, aren't you?
21:48Up the hatch.
21:49Up the hatch.
21:52Do you know what we're doing here?
21:54I mean, we are communicating with each other,
21:56and you haven't even tried to make a pass.
22:04Jeez, I'm sorry.
22:13Don't spread it around.
22:17You know, we're having more laughs here
22:19than they're having upstairs at your party.
22:22Party.
22:23Oh, my party.
22:24Hey, come on, uh, Schneider, um,
22:27you'll, uh, come with me, right?
22:29Yeah, yeah, but, uh,
22:31do you think I need another shot of aquavelin?
22:34I think you're terrific just the way you are.
22:36Come on, let's go.
22:43Hey.
22:55Oh, you know, David,
22:58this is what life is all about.
23:00Two human beings with nothing in common
23:02reach out and touch each other where they live.
23:09What exactly happened down in Schneider's apartment?
23:13Oh, you are very successful.
23:15No, I am speaking solely symbolically.
23:19I mean, Schneider is a deep, sensitive human
23:21with a need to feel.
23:23That I'll buy you.
23:26You were wrong,
23:27and you're just too stubborn to admit it.
23:29What do you mean, wrong?
23:30Wrong about what?
23:31Well, you said Schneider would ruin this party.
23:34I mean, look at them.
23:35It's a miracle.
23:4320 minutes ago, nobody was having any fun.
23:46And now, I mean, look at it.
23:47Schneider's got this party off the ground.
23:52Somebody pinched me!
23:54Who pinched you?
23:56She's good.
24:00You pinched my wife.
24:02I did not!
24:03Look, wise guy, lay off the fools.
24:05You've been chasing her all night.
24:07If I was chasing, it wouldn't be her.
24:23I hate to leave, Mr. Mono,
24:24but I got to get up in three hours.
24:26Now, I don't want to be a hard-nosed super,
24:28but it is kind of late.
24:29Try to keep the noise down.
24:30I don't want to be a hard-nosed super.
25:03This program was recorded on tape
25:06for a live audience.
25:29This program was recorded on tape for a live audience.
25:33This program was recorded on tape for a live audience.
25:34And I'll find you guys that way.
25:34I don't want to be a...
25:36I'll find you guys that way more.
25:37You can do this.
25:38You'll find it.
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