- 2 days ago
Fighting City Hall
Ann is furious when she receives a $4,000 phone bill. She soon begins a letter writing campaign to anyone and everyone, including the President of the United States. Coincidentally, the President just happens to be passing through her neighborhood and Ann soon finds two Secret Service agents at her front door.
Ann is furious when she receives a $4,000 phone bill. She soon begins a letter writing campaign to anyone and everyone, including the President of the United States. Coincidentally, the President just happens to be passing through her neighborhood and Ann soon finds two Secret Service agents at her front door.
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TVTranscript
00:02This is it, this is it, this is life, the one you get, so go and have a ball, this
00:10is it, this is it, straight ahead, and rest assured, you can't be sure at all, so while you're here,
00:19enjoy the view, keep on doing what you do, hold on tight, we'll muddle through, one day at a time,
00:26one day at a time, so up on your feet,
00:30somewhere there's music playing, don't you worry not, just take it like it's gone, one day at a time, one
00:39day at a time, one day at a time, one day at a time, one day at a time, one
00:47day at a time, one day at a time.
00:55You're taking this much too seriously, Mrs. Romano. Eventually, the computer will discover its own error, and we will make
01:02a full refund, so why don't you simply pay your bill now, and enjoy the anticipation of a possible refund.
01:13Mr. Faraday, I cannot pay a 4,200...
01:22We at Tri-State Phone understand that completely, and if it's sympathy you're looking for, you certainly have mine.
01:32No, I'm not looking for sympathy. What I'm looking for is somebody to stop them from turning off my phone.
01:40I can empathize with that, too. You know, sometimes I say to our critics, the value of our service may
01:46best be judged by the desperation of the people who are deprived of it.
01:53Uh, look, five days ago, I was served notice that if I did not pay this bill, my phone would
02:01be cut off in five days.
02:03It has taken me five days to get to see you.
02:07Well, I wish you'd paid this bill first.
02:11I hate this pressure.
02:14Oh, that phone, I'd like to yank it out by its roots.
02:18Excuse me.
02:21Hello, Faraday here.
02:24Oh, look, ma...
02:25Look, madam...
02:27Yes, madam, the phone company always charges for installing a new phone.
02:31Yes, I know the instrument was already there.
02:35Yes, I realize a man here does just push a button to turn the phone on.
02:39But...
02:40Well, if you got $17.50 for pushing a button, you wouldn't knock it.
02:47The public are animals.
02:54My phone is going to be cut off any second.
02:58Now, do you know what it's like to live with two teenagers and no phone?
03:02No, I'm afraid not.
03:03I live with my mother.
03:09That woman, that dear woman, stays on the phone all day long.
03:13Between the telephone and the television, I am...
03:15Ah, why can't you just acknowledge that that computer made a mistake and charged me my normal bill, $15 a
03:21month?
03:21Oh, we don't know the computer has made a mistake now, do we?
03:26Not made a mistake.
03:29Mr. Faraday, how could I possibly spend $4,000 a month on phone calls?
03:35Well, we just provide the service how you use it as your province.
03:40You know, we had an interesting case a while back.
03:42There was this woman.
03:44She led a circumspect life of 40 years.
03:47And then all of a sudden started accepting obscene phone calls.
03:53From Paris.
03:57Collect.
04:00Are you trying to tell me that your computer can't make a mistake?
04:04Well, of course it can.
04:06Computers are only human, you know.
04:10I am, too.
04:11And I refuse to be the victim of a company that just doesn't give a damn.
04:16Oh, I don't like profanity.
04:23Okay, look, this is the picture.
04:25Your computer made a mistake.
04:28And unless I pay this bill, you are going to cut off my phone.
04:34I don't know what more to do.
04:36I wrote the newspapers, the Public Service Commission, the Consumer Affairs Bureau,
04:41Ralph Nader, Tri-State Telephone, the president of the...
04:44Yes, I am well aware of your hostilities.
04:47We have your file right here.
04:50Oh, you have been a busy bee.
04:55You don't mind my saying so, Mrs. Romano.
04:57Ms.
04:59Ms. Romano.
05:03I think this letter went a bit too far.
05:07In conclusion, Mr. President, a day of reckoning is not far off.
05:12Big corporations and big government can't push around the little guy forever,
05:17because someday the little guy will revolt.
05:20And then let no man ask for whom the bell tolls.
05:29It tolls for you.
05:34Well, it's a very pushy letter to write to the president of the phone company.
05:40That's a copy of the letter I wrote to the president of the United States.
05:45Oh, well, at least it's not to somebody in power.
05:55Mrs. Romano.
05:56Ms.
05:57Oh, Ms.
05:59Ms. Romano.
06:01Now, Ms. Romano, there's still time to save your phone
06:03if you will simply write out a check for $4,221.
06:09I couldn't if I wanted to.
06:11I don't have $4,221.
06:16Then borrow it from the bank.
06:19You see, this computer error will be corrected by another computer,
06:23and then you will get your refund.
06:25How long will that take?
06:28Oh, I'll have to check that out with a computer.
06:33Uh, Mr. Faraday,
06:41if we were in the gold mining business together,
06:44you would get the gold,
06:47and I'd get the shaft.
06:56I know I'm taller than you.
06:59I'm still going to wear my platform shoes.
07:02Why is that a threat to your masculinity?
07:04We are still going to be the same height when we park.
07:10You've been on that phone for an hour.
07:12Is there anybody on the other end?
07:13Get lost.
07:15No, no, not you, Peter.
07:16My sister, the dwarf.
07:19So how are we going to get to the dance?
07:21Hey, can we get your dad's Model T?
07:23His dad has got this great antique car collection.
07:25He's got this fabulous Model T.
07:28Well, fabulous.
07:29Get off the phone.
07:31Peter, that's great.
07:32Well, let me know when you're going to find out
07:33whether you can get it or not.
07:35Julie, the house is on fire.
07:37So make an ash out of yourself.
07:41No, no, no, not you, Peter.
07:46He hung up on me.
07:48That creep hung up on me.
07:50I just lost the most wonderful boy in the world,
07:52and it's all your fault.
07:53My fault since when it's his fault?
07:55Hey, what's going on?
07:57My life just ended.
07:59Oh, that all.
08:01Peter just hung up on her.
08:03Uh, how do you know he hung up on you?
08:06Well, you see, I was talking to him,
08:08and there was this big click,
08:08and then I wasn't talking to him.
08:14He didn't hang up on you.
08:16The phone company just cut off our service.
08:19Oh, no, Mom, Peter's going to think I hung up on him.
08:22How would you do this to me?
08:23Look, girls, I'm sorry, really.
08:26You know I've been having this hassle
08:27with the phone company for weeks
08:28to try to straighten out my bill.
08:30I just, uh, lost the battle, that's all.
08:34But I have not lost the war.
08:38Mom, what are we going to do without a phone?
08:40How long will it be?
08:42Well, they said they'd try to straighten it out
08:43within 30 days.
08:4530 days?
08:46Till it comes back on, could I go live with Daddy?
08:51Julie, if I have to live without a phone for 30 days,
08:54you have to live without a phone for 30 days.
08:56So just shut up about the phone, okay?
08:58Okay?
09:11Guess who is going to be coming down our street
09:14in just a few minutes.
09:16Who?
09:17The President of the United States.
09:19Oh.
09:20Hey, you want a banana?
09:23Aren't you excited?
09:25Only if he's here to adjust my phone bill.
09:27Can't bother with your phone bill.
09:28A man, a man is busy.
09:30He goes to China, he goes to Russia.
09:31I mean, he's the President.
09:32He doesn't have time to worry about people.
09:38Then, uh, what's he doing on this stinky little street?
09:41Security.
09:42From the airport to the hotel,
09:44he's taking nothing but side streets.
09:46Why?
09:46He doesn't want any more hot rods
09:48ramming into his limo.
09:51Well, Schneider, if it's a secret,
09:52how do you know?
09:54I have connections.
09:56With the White House?
09:57With the garbage department.
10:01At least it's with somebody at the top of the heap.
10:06When Mr. Big goes by,
10:08every garbage can in this area
10:10has got to be off the street.
10:12Why's that, Schneider?
10:13Well, how would it look
10:14if the President went down the streets
10:16of Indianapolis holding his nose?
10:18Like this.
10:23All right, girls.
10:25I have here
10:26a Mimiox copy
10:28of a map.
10:31A map issued only
10:32to the high mucky mucks
10:34in the sanitation department.
10:36It shows the entire secret route.
10:39Huh?
10:40Now, look.
10:40He comes right by my establishment.
10:43Huh?
10:43And I am going to be right out there
10:45in uniform.
10:46I just slip off the old tool belt
10:48give him a highball
10:50and I wave
10:51the grand old flash.
11:00I'll get it.
11:08Don't tell me.
11:09You're going to be on
11:11Let's Make a Deal.
11:14Can we for once
11:16do without
11:17the witty reportage,
11:19little boy blue?
11:22Do you know
11:23who is going to be
11:24driving right past
11:25my building?
11:26Anybody with a lick of sense.
11:29The President
11:30of the United States.
11:33Oh, Schneider.
11:34Oh, well,
11:35that's one I know
11:36you won't want to miss.
11:37You should be out there, too,
11:39watching the President.
11:40You're a lawyer?
11:41There were a lot of lawyers
11:42watching our last President.
11:44It didn't seem to help any.
11:51Can we watch him
11:52from up here?
11:53Sure you can.
11:54I got a great set of
11:55binoculars out on you.
11:56I'll go down and get him.
11:58I'll be right back.
12:02Sergeant York
12:03been here long?
12:04Ah, David,
12:06cut it out.
12:07You and the girls
12:07have a chance
12:08to see the President,
12:09and we're putting it down.
12:11I mean, it's something
12:12they should be able
12:12to tell their children.
12:14Children?
12:14How am I going to
12:15have any children
12:16when Peter Palmer
12:16can't even phone me?
12:20He'll be able
12:21to phone you.
12:22The phone's going
12:22to be reconnected.
12:23You got it fixed!
12:24Yes.
12:24David!
12:25David!
12:26Oh, you're doing it!
12:27You're doing it!
12:27How did you do it?
12:28Well, it was nothing, really.
12:30Well, I mean, what did you do?
12:31Did you get an injunction,
12:32a cease and desist order?
12:33What?
12:33What?
12:34Uh, I played golf
12:35with the general manager
12:36of Tri-State Telephone Company.
12:39That's rotten.
12:41I mean, that is really rotten.
12:43I write letters to everybody.
12:44I pay 50 visits to them.
12:46I use logic, tact,
12:48and reason, persistence.
12:50I get no place.
12:51You play golf with a man.
12:52That stinks.
12:54Well, you know,
12:55it wasn't all that easy.
12:56I had to buy the man
12:57four martinis.
12:59I had to give him
13:00all my olives.
13:03Not only that,
13:04but I, uh,
13:05ripped my pants for you.
13:14Uh, how'd you manage that?
13:16Well, he told me
13:17to take a wider
13:18putting stance.
13:19I did.
13:20My pants didn't.
13:23I was wondering
13:24if you would
13:24sew them up for me.
13:25Yeah, yeah.
13:26Go in the bathroom
13:27and take your pants off.
13:27Oh, I thought
13:28you'd never ask.
13:35Miss Romano?
13:36Yes.
13:37Secret service.
13:38Secret service?
13:39Miss Romano,
13:40we have been directed
13:41to keep you under surveillance
13:42as a possible threat
13:44to the life
13:45of the President
13:45of the United States.
13:48You're crazy!
13:52Uh, threatening the President
13:55of the United States?
13:56Of America?
13:58You think I'm crazy?
13:59Now, don't get excited,
14:00Miss Romano.
14:00No, I'm not excited.
14:02You've got the wrong person.
14:03That's all.
14:03I've never threatened
14:04anybody in my life.
14:05Except us.
14:06Truly.
14:10Miss Romano.
14:11Oh, that's it.
14:12You've got the wrong Romano.
14:14Ann Maria Kathleen Romano,
14:17married named Cooper,
14:18also known as Red,
14:19also known as Carrot Top.
14:23Carrot Top?
14:25That was in junior high.
14:28Junior high school?
14:31My God, you're serious.
14:34You are really serious.
14:35You've investigated me.
14:37Just a routine precaution, ma'am.
14:39Why me?
14:40Go bribe a dictator.
14:42That's...
14:42That's CIA.
14:44We're Treasury Department.
14:52Then, uh,
14:54go print some money.
14:55Miss Romano,
14:56you wrote a threatening letter.
14:57Not my mother.
14:58She wouldn't threaten anybody.
15:00Did you write this letter?
15:02And in conclusion,
15:04Mr. President,
15:05let no man ask
15:06for whom the bell tolls.
15:07It tolls for thee.
15:10Oh, I am.
15:12But, I mean,
15:12I wasn't threatening the president.
15:13I was threatening the phone con...
15:16I wasn't threatening anybody.
15:19Now, if you'll just cooperate,
15:20this won't take any time at all.
15:21That's just what they told Marie Antoinette.
15:25Uh, look.
15:26I got this stupid phone bill, see?
15:29Now, a citizen has a right to protest.
15:32Not to protest.
15:35Complain.
15:36To...
15:38Shouldn't I have a lawyer?
15:39Do you have one?
15:41In the bathroom.
15:48David...
15:49David, come on out here.
15:51David!
16:00David!
16:03Oh, listen.
16:06Oh, she's fixing my pants, you know.
16:08I ripped my pants.
16:09They think I've threatened the president.
16:11You threatened the president?
16:12It was that dumb letter.
16:14It wasn't a dumb letter, Julie.
16:15I mean, everything I said.
16:15Ann, you have the right to remain silent,
16:18and it's a hell of a good idea.
16:20Uh, gentlemen,
16:23I'm David Cain.
16:28Ms. Romano's attorney,
16:29and I'd, uh,
16:31like you to explain your presence here, please.
16:33It's a routine check.
16:35The president is arriving here today.
16:36Well, I don't care when he's arriving.
16:38I know Ms. Romano.
16:39She is a fine, upstanding citizen
16:41with two fine, upstanding daughters.
16:44I can personally vouch for her good character.
16:52Where the hell are my pants?
16:54Yes.
16:55Excuse me.
16:56Yep.
16:57Just a second.
16:58Mr. Cain.
17:00Yes?
17:00We are following orders.
17:02There are a lot of cuckoos running around.
17:06I am not a cuckoo.
17:08She got a phone bill.
17:10It was wrong.
17:10$4,000.
17:11You're going to blame her?
17:12I mean, do I look like the kind of person
17:14that would spend that kind of money on phone calls?
17:16I mean, for $4,000,
17:18I could be phoning Russia for the rest of my life.
17:20No.
17:22I mean, it could be anywhere.
17:24It could be China.
17:25You do have the right to remain, sir.
17:27Look, I haven't called any foreign countries.
17:30I don't know any subversives.
17:32I got angry because I got a stupid phone bill,
17:35and I've got two teenage daughters here,
17:38and no phone.
17:38I mean, they cut it off.
17:39My phone does not work.
17:45Thanks a lot, David.
17:46Um, I'll get it.
17:47I'll go.
17:49Hello.
17:50May I have your name, please?
17:53Palmer.
17:54Oh, that's Peter.
17:54I've got to talk to him.
17:55It's a matter of life and death.
17:56Can you leave?
17:57Peter Palmer says Operation Model T is on.
18:04Operation Model T?
18:06Model T?
18:08Ford.
18:09Ford.
18:18Really, it's nothing.
18:20All it means is that Peter's got his dad's Ford.
18:23And they're going to operate at the lake.
18:25Hey, you listen here.
18:26You listen to me.
18:27Don't come back.
18:29Julio, come on.
18:30Shut up.
18:31No.
18:31Gentlemen, gentlemen, I ask you now.
18:34Look.
18:34Look at them.
18:35Sam, is that an all-American family or isn't it, really?
18:39Yeah, well, I guess we can check this one off.
18:41What do you think, Sam?
18:42I think we better hold off a minute.
18:44Take a look at this.
18:47A map of the president's route.
18:50Excuse me, man.
18:52Anne, where did you get this?
18:53Schneider.
18:54Who's Schneider?
18:55The psycho in the basement.
19:00Miss Romano, this route is top-secret information.
19:03We better search the place.
19:06Uh, uh, David, do something.
19:12Anne, I'm not a criminal lawyer.
19:14I am not a criminal.
19:16I didn't mean it that way.
19:18It's just that, you know.
19:19Uh, excuse me, fella.
19:20You know, uh, unless, uh, this could be considered illegal search and entry unless you happen to have a search
19:27warrant.
19:28Let's get it straight.
19:29We are not the CIA.
19:31Oh, David, look.
19:33I mean, they're making a mess out of everything.
19:35No, don't open that!
19:36Please!
19:36Don't open that!
19:37No, no!
19:38Ah, the sweater I wanted!
19:40Oh, thank you!
19:44Happy birthday, baby.
19:46Two weeks early.
19:47Oh.
19:59Playgirl, and really.
20:05Really?
20:06I never saw it before.
20:07Well, it certainly isn't mine.
20:17Okay, kill me.
20:19Well, it's better than running for the boys' shower room like Julie and her friends did.
20:29I, uh, I couldn't find a binoculars.
20:32A telescopic sight.
20:35Who are these guys?
20:37We're T-men.
20:37Oh, yeah?
20:38I'm a leg man myself.
20:51Snyder, what the hell are you doing with a telescopic sight?
20:54I brought it for Miss Romano!
20:57President's coming by any minute.
21:02Put on the cuffs and throw away the keys.
21:05Miss Romano, this is no joking matter.
21:07You've got a map, and now this loony brings up a scope sight.
21:10Loony?
21:11How'd you like a wrench for an earring?
21:18Snyder, these men are from the Treasury Department, Secret Service?
21:22Somebody is going to have to explain this telescopic sight.
21:26He brought it.
21:27Look, I couldn't find my binoculars, so I took that off my deer rifle.
21:31Now, fellas, look, I know Miss Romano.
21:34She's a young woman who has been without a man for quite some time.
21:42Of course, this makes her a little high-strung, so naturally she occasionally blows a stack,
21:46but she's no threat to the president.
21:49That's not for you to decide.
21:51Well, I am the superman.
21:51Now, look, all of you, we can't take any chances.
21:54We're going to have to detain you.
21:55Ma, how could you threaten the president at an important time like this?
21:58Julie, I did not threaten the president.
22:00I did write some letters.
22:06Look, this is an obscene situation here.
22:09I am a private citizen who is trying to fight a huge company
22:13over an outrageous phone bill that is obviously a mistake.
22:16Now, what is happening in this country?
22:17Ann, you do have the right to remain totally silent.
22:19I don't want to remain silent.
22:21Now, look, you barge into my home, you dig into my past,
22:24you harass my family and friends, and what can I do about it?
22:27What recourse do I have?
22:29Write my congressman?
22:30Write my president?
22:31Oh, boy, will they help.
22:32They'll just stamp it cuckoo and send in the FBI.
22:36We're not the FBI men.
22:40We're protecting our president, Miss Romano,
22:42and it only takes one disturbed person.
22:45Ain't it the truth?
22:48I'm not, repeat, not a disturbed person!
22:58Okay, I'm disturbed, but it started with a phone bill, David.
23:04Gentlemen, if you have a legitimate charge,
23:07I suggest that you either make it or back off.
23:10This is total harassment.
23:11Right.
23:11What happened to liberty?
23:13What happened to our civil rights?
23:14Let me ask you a question.
23:16How would you, how would you protect your president?
23:22Well, uh...
23:23He has some rights, too, like the right to live.
23:25We have to follow up hundreds of letters just like yours,
23:28most of them perfectly innocent, but how do we know that?
23:31Would you like us to ignore cookie letters?
23:34I don't write cookie letters.
23:35Miss Romano, let no one ask for whom the bell tolls.
23:41It tolls for thee.
23:45Okay, but I was fit to be tied.
23:48And that's all we're doing now,
23:49just tying you down until the man reaches the hotel.
23:52Uh, we don't get a lot of second chances.
23:58Okay, I guess I'd have to do exactly what you're doing.
24:03Uh, you want some coffee?
24:05Hmm, thank you.
24:06Okay.
24:07He's coming!
24:08He's coming!
24:09The president's coming!
24:10Which is his car?
24:12Uh, look for the ski rack.
24:14There he is!
24:14President Jerry H. Ford!
24:17Oh, I'm getting goose feet.
24:20I didn't see him.
24:22Did you?
24:22Yeah, I saw his arm waving from the car.
24:26I saw that, but how'd you know that was the president's arm?
24:29He had it caught in the electric window.
25:05This program is recorded on tape for a live audience.
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