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00:04Ah, behold, the awesome, the incredible, Annihilator.
00:12Oh, just call me Steve.
00:18Oh, boss ball, big guy.
00:20And can I hold it?
00:21Will you be careful with it?
00:22Oh, absolutely.
00:35Oh, whoa, Nellie.
00:40Why, this baby weighs a ton.
00:42Just give it to me.
00:44You know, I've often imagined myself on the Pro Bowlers Tour.
00:53Yeah, traveling from one Midwestern town to another.
00:57Hangin' out with guys named Merle.
01:03Steve, give me my ball.
01:06It's the championship match.
01:08I've just done my interview with Chris Schenkel.
01:11And now it's just me and Earl Anthony.
01:14Mano a mano.
01:15Steve.
01:16I step to the line.
01:19I take aim.
01:25I make my approach.
01:30One.
01:32Two.
01:34Three.
01:47Yes.
01:49Yes, what?
01:50Yes, you did that.
01:53You always do that.
02:09It's a rare condition, this day and age, to read any good news on the newspaper page.
02:16And love and tradition of the grand design, some people say it's even harder to find.
02:23Well, then there must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls.
02:31Cause all I see is a tower of dreams.
02:35Real love bursting out of every scene.
02:40And days go by.
02:43It's the bigger love of the family.
02:58Four, five, six, seven, eight.
03:01Your turn, Judy.
03:02Not so fast.
03:03Boardwalk's mine.
03:04Pay up.
03:07Oh, you're right.
03:09And according to this card, I owe you a buck.
03:17I've got a funny feeling I'd have a lot more money if I could read.
03:25Hey, Mom.
03:26Hi.
03:27Hi, Aunt Harriet.
03:28Want to play?
03:29Oh, no thank you, sweetie.
03:32Judy, didn't I ask you to straighten up in here?
03:34Yeah.
03:35Well?
03:36You meant today.
03:43Laura, did you remember to take the chicken out of the freezer?
03:46Oh, I sure did, Mom.
03:53About five minutes ago.
03:58Oh, by the way, Mom, I'm going to a party tonight and I'm supposed to bring brownies.
04:02Do you think you could whip some up?
04:04Whip some up?
04:06Well, not a lot.
04:07Just a few dozen.
04:10Laura, I have worked overtime every night this weekend.
04:12Do you know what I am?
04:14Rich?
04:16No, I'm tired.
04:18I've asked everyone around here to help out.
04:20Hey, honey, would you earn this shirt for me?
04:22I would do it myself, but you always make them so fresh and crispy.
04:27Carl, I really don't have time.
04:29I can't do it.
04:29Hey, Mom, when's dinner?
04:32And when I have been home less than five minutes, can I at least have time to breathe?
04:37Sure, but can you breathe while you're making dinner?
04:42That's it.
04:43I work 60 hours a week, but that's not enough, right?
04:47I apparently also have to cook chickens, iron crispy shirts, and bake brownies for the world.
04:54Harriet's right.
04:55Now, come on, everyone.
04:56We've all got to help out around here.
04:59Yeah, we should all pitch in.
05:00Listen, you go upstairs and have yourself a nice, relaxing bubble bath.
05:05And when you come back down, I promise you that there'll be a piping hot meal waiting on the table
05:10for you.
05:12Thank you, sweetie.
05:13That's an awful lot of work.
05:14I appreciate it.
05:15Hey, it's no problem.
05:25Hello, Pizza City.
05:28Anchovies.
05:29Anchovies.
05:29Anchovies.
05:35The logarithm, also called log,
05:37is the exponent indicating the power to which a fixed number, the base,
05:43must be raised to produce a given number.
05:51Oh, perka.
05:52This is riveting.
05:54Very nice, Vivian.
05:56Thank you, Stephen.
05:59Now, does anybody have any questions?
06:01What do you call that hangy thing in the back of your throat?
06:09Waldo, what does that have to do with trigonometry?
06:12Hey, I was just wondering.
06:13If you don't know the answer, just say so.
06:15No.
06:17It's called the uvula.
06:18Can we get back to math?
06:20Now, I realize that logarithms can be difficult,
06:23so perhaps a visual aid might help stimulate your interest.
06:35I knew it.
06:38Vivian, you make a moment, Stephen.
06:40Now, I want you all to take a close look at the logs on this chart.
06:47Now, don't just memorize them.
06:50Work with them.
06:52Play with them.
06:53See how much fun they can be.
06:58Vivian, now, now, now.
07:01I realize that some of you might be intimidated by these logs.
07:05Not at all.
07:07Well, don't be.
07:08Once you understand them,
07:10you'll wonder how you ever lived without them.
07:16What is so funny?
07:19Vivian, look at the chart.
07:21There's a girl with enormous boom-booms.
07:37I am not amused.
07:39No one is leaving this classroom
07:41until the individual responsible comes forward.
07:50Now, this lack of respect for math really frosts my beehive.
07:58Hey, Eddie.
07:59Don't forget your poster.
08:04Eddie.
08:05Perhaps you could stay for a moment.
08:08Thanks a lot, Waldo.
08:10No problem, Bob.
08:16Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.
08:20I'm sorry, Miss Connors.
08:23I thought that putting this poster up would be funny,
08:25but instead it's turned out to be tasteless and rude.
08:28That's right.
08:29Well, live and learn.
08:30Can I go now?
08:30Yes, straight down to Principal Shimada's office.
08:33Oh, no!
08:33Miss Connors, Principal Shimada just nailed me
08:36for writing my phone number down in the girls' bathroom.
08:37He said one more starting them off the basketball team.
08:41Well, you should have thought about that
08:42before you tacked up the boom-booms.
08:47Yes, ma'am.
08:51Eddie, you are a bright young man.
08:54Why are you behaving this way?
08:56I don't know.
08:57I guess I...
08:58I just...
09:00Well, I don't know.
09:02I mean...
09:06Well, I don't want to lay my problems on you.
09:10Problems?
09:11What problems?
09:12Oh, just stuff.
09:13That home.
09:14But I don't want to get into it.
09:16It's painful.
09:20Eddie, talk to me.
09:21What's going on at home?
09:23Well, Miss Connors,
09:25Oprah uses the phrase
09:28dysfunctional family.
09:32But, hey, the bottom line is
09:34is that I screwed up
09:35and now it's time to pay the piper.
09:36So, I mean, I just...
09:37Well, Eddie, if you need someone to confide in...
09:39No, no, no.
09:40I don't want to air our dirty laundry.
09:42I'll just go down to Principal Shimada's office
09:45and let him take away
09:47the one thing I have left
09:49that brings me joy.
09:54Well, Eddie, Eddie, wait.
09:58Maybe in light of your stress at home,
10:00we could let this go.
10:02Really?
10:02Yes, but no more hijinks in my classroom.
10:05Oh, yes, ma'am.
10:06Thank you, ma'am.
10:11Ah.
10:12Don't be moi.
10:13I forgot my Mr. Calculator.
10:17Oh, don't be grum, Vivian.
10:20Very few share our passion for trade.
10:25No, it's not that, Stephen.
10:27I'm worried about a student.
10:28He says he has problems at home,
10:30but he won't talk about it.
10:33Huh?
10:34Another lonely teenage mariner
10:36navigating his fragile kayak
10:38through the stormy sea of light.
10:41Yeah, something like that.
10:43Well, knowing you as I do, Vivian,
10:46I'm sure you'll take the active approach.
10:48Active approach?
10:50Well, this poor teenager,
10:52whoever he may be,
10:53is obviously crying out for help.
10:55But I don't really know what's wrong.
10:58Well, find out.
11:00Investigate.
11:01You really think I should?
11:03Oh, absolutely.
11:05Reach out and touch that student.
11:07And tell him
11:09Stephen Q. Urkel sent you.
11:30Mom, can you help me with my science project?
11:32Mom, I forgot to tell you.
11:33I need a costume for the school play.
11:34Honey, have you seen my black socks?
11:37You know, the comfy ones with the blue stripe?
11:39Hold on.
11:41I thought everyone was gonna pitch in around here.
11:43I'm helping it, Harriet.
11:47Richie!
11:49Look at you!
11:50What are you doing?
11:52I'm making a cape for dinner.
11:54Oh, so...
11:56Mom, what about my science project?
11:58Judy, she doesn't have time.
12:01My costume's gonna take all night.
12:03Harriet, where are the black socks?
12:04Have you seen them?
12:05Hey, Mom.
12:05When's dinner?
12:06Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
12:08All right, all right, all right, Jackie and Ed.
12:11I have asked you again and again to help out around here.
12:14And you've ignored me.
12:16Well, from this moment on,
12:17you're gonna see what it's like to have to fend for yourselves.
12:19Because Harriet Wislo is on strike.
12:21Move out of my wings.
12:30Yo, Dad, is that legal?
12:34Yo, Dad, is that legal?
12:55Oh, Mom, this place is really getting gross.
12:58Then clean it up.
13:00I'm still on strike.
13:07I can't pitch in right now.
13:09I promised Grandma I'd help her get ready.
13:10What?
13:11Tonight's that charity bachelor auction.
13:13Oh, Lord.
13:15Remember last year when she bought that date
13:17with that retired underwear model?
13:19Then she demanded her money back
13:20when she found out he modeled ladies underwear.
13:27Harriet!
13:29Kyle!
13:32Harriet, I can't find my ripped jeans and my bandana.
13:36I'll call the FBI, dear.
13:39I need those things.
13:41Tonight is my big undercover drug bust,
13:43and I don't have a thing to wear.
13:45Kyle, where did you see them last?
13:47Well, I put them in the hamper two whole days ago.
13:50Kyle, chase a rainbow.
13:55Honey, check the clothes hamper.
13:57But, well, gee, didn't anybody do laundry around here?
14:01Not me.
14:02I'm still on strike.
14:03Well, excuse me, Norma Ray.
14:07Look, Kyle.
14:08No, you look.
14:11Now, if you want to play this little strike game
14:14with the kitties, it's okie-dokie with me.
14:17But now, you're messing with the big kahuna.
14:24And the big kahuna wants some attention
14:27from his little wahine.
14:32And what would you like your little wahine to do?
14:35Well, the heart's a mess.
14:39So why don't you just hula yourself on in to the laundry room
14:43and wash the big kahunas wiki-wiki?
14:53Either the big kahuna's had too many Mai Tais,
14:58or he's got his head up his volcano.
15:07Because there is no way this little wahine
15:10is going anywhere near your wiki-wiki.
15:18Oh, come on, Harry.
15:19I just want my pants.
15:21Then wash them yourself, dear.
15:23Oh, you always do this.
15:24Every time the kids get your damn drop,
15:26I have to slip on it.
15:28I'll get it.
15:30Why?
15:30It's probably for me.
15:31You don't have any friends.
15:36Hello.
15:37Are your parents home?
15:40Beats me.
15:41Are you here to clean?
15:44Oh, no.
15:46Well, I love the chat,
15:48but I have to go make dinner.
15:50You're making dinner?
15:51Yep.
15:52We're having hot fudge sundaes.
15:56Thank God.
15:56I'm sick of candy bars.
16:12Grandma, you look beautiful.
16:14Oh, thanks, honey.
16:15I just hope 200 bucks
16:17is enough to buy me a decent man.
16:21Well, you just be patient
16:23and don't buy the first guy that you see.
16:25It's a recession, sugar.
16:27I might be able to buy two.
16:33Carl, you look fine.
16:34No, I don't.
16:37Now, you know I like to wear my ripped jeans
16:38when I go out to buy drugs.
16:43Hey, who are you?
16:45I'm Vivian Connors,
16:48your son's math teacher.
16:50It is no wonder he is acting up in class.
16:55How can he live in this mad house?
16:59Excuse me?
17:04But what are you talking about?
17:07Eddie said there were problems at home,
17:09but this is appalling.
17:12Thank God the boy is just pulling harmless pranks.
17:16With this kind of home life,
17:17we are lucky he is not blowing up federal buildings.
17:23Miss Connors?
17:26Oh, Eddie.
17:29You poor child.
17:31Come here.
17:32You need a hug.
17:36Steven, I want to thank you
17:37for urging me to get involved.
17:39This young man would have been better off
17:41raised by wolves.
17:44You mean that student with troubles at home
17:46is Eddie Winslow?
17:48That's right.
17:49Oh, boy.
17:51And I would never have come here
17:53if you hadn't urged me to get involved.
17:57Oh, boy.
18:00Come here, Steve.
18:03Now, Widow,
18:04you have enough troubles on your hand.
18:06No sense adding manslaughter to that list.
18:11Will somebody please tell us what's going on?
18:14I will.
18:21Your son has been acting up in my class,
18:24and he confided in me
18:26that he is having problems at home.
18:33Miss Connors,
18:35I assure you that our son,
18:37Edward Winslow,
18:39is not having problems at home.
18:42Mm-mm.
18:42Yet.
18:45Edward,
18:46go wait in the kitchen for me.
18:47But, Dad, I...
18:48Yes, sir.
18:51Harriet,
18:52would you please explain to Miss Connors here
18:54that we are a very loving family?
18:57I'll try.
18:58Good.
18:58And while you're doing that,
18:59I'll be in the kitchen killing our son.
19:05Hi, Dad.
19:07Knock it off.
19:08Yes, sir.
19:10You know, Edward,
19:11I just don't get it.
19:14You appear to be quite normal.
19:18You have all five senses.
19:20You walk erect.
19:23But yet you often act
19:25like our boneheads!
19:29Edward,
19:30your mother is out there
19:31trying to explain things
19:32to one very traumatized math teacher.
19:35Dad,
19:36let's just face it.
19:37Miss Connors just picked a bad day to visit.
19:41And I picked a bad time to say that.
19:46Edward,
19:47let me get this straight.
19:49Now, you pulled a stupid stun in class
19:51and got caught.
19:53But instead of taking your lumps like a man,
19:55you instead try to
19:56make your poor teacher feel sorry for you.
19:59You lied about us
20:01just to save your scrawny neck.
20:03Well, yeah.
20:07I mean, I was in big trouble
20:08and I panicked.
20:10Edward,
20:11whenever I talk about you,
20:14I tell people that my son
20:15has a straight A average.
20:17He's witty,
20:19he's clever,
20:20and man,
20:21he's even better looking
20:22than Denzel Washington.
20:25You see,
20:26when I lie,
20:27I lie up.
20:35I am very,
20:36very proud
20:37of my family.
20:39I put them on pedestals
20:41because, son,
20:42that's where I think
20:43that they deserve to be.
20:46You're right, Dad.
20:48I'm sorry.
20:50You know, son,
20:50I'm a cop.
20:52And every day
20:53I see families out there
20:54who really do have problems.
20:57That kind of tragedy
20:58is nothing to make light of.
21:02I know, Dad.
21:03And I'm lucky
21:04to have a happy home.
21:06Well,
21:07I am really glad
21:09to hear you say that
21:11because you're going
21:11to be spending
21:12a lot of time
21:13in your happy home.
21:16Ouch.
21:20So how's it going out there?
21:22Well,
21:22I managed to explain
21:23why the house
21:24is under three feet of trash.
21:26And I think she understands
21:27why you were going out
21:28to score drugs.
21:30But she's having real trouble
21:31with your mother buying men.
21:45All right,
21:46listen up.
21:48From now on,
21:49I expect each
21:50and every one of you
21:50to pitch in
21:51and help your mom
21:52out around the house.
21:53Is that understood?
21:54Yeah.
21:55Well,
21:56be happy about it.
21:56Yes, sir.
22:00Well,
22:00thank you,
22:01everybody.
22:02Okay,
22:03the strike is over.
22:04Let's clean up this house.
22:05No, no, sweetheart.
22:07Since I set the bad example,
22:09I'm going to set
22:10the good example.
22:11I want you to take
22:12the family out to dinner
22:13and when you get back,
22:14this house is going
22:15to be squeaky clean.
22:16Oh,
22:17with that shoe.
22:19Let's go to Bubba's barbecue.
22:21No,
22:21I want to go to Mighty Weenies.
22:23No,
22:23let's go to Burger Palace.
22:25The waiters have nice buns.
22:34Mr. Winslow,
22:35we're from squeaky cleaning.
22:36Hey!
22:38It's all yours.
22:42Jeez, Frank,
22:42we're going to have
22:43to call for backup.
22:43Thank you!
22:43let's look up.
22:45Thank you!
22:45Hey!
22:46Hey!
22:46there you baby!
22:46Thank you!
22:46Jose,
22:46Hey!
22:47Hey!
22:47Hey!
22:47Hey!
22:48You
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