00:04Well, you know, I hate to say this, but I'ma whoop you ladies bad.
00:09Hearts is a game of strategy and skill.
00:13Qualities that I happen to be blessed with.
00:16You want to play for money?
00:17No!
00:20Ahoy, wind clouds!
00:26Stephen Q. Urkel, retesting for Mr. O'Connor.
00:33Honey, honey, ho!
00:43Well, what's the half, paps?
00:47We're busy, Steve. We're having a relaxing game of hearts.
00:51Well, you can't be too relaxed. You have a queen of spades.
00:56Oops.
00:57Oh, oops, I'm sorry. I probably shouldn't have said that.
01:01Oh!
01:03What's wrong, Steve?
01:05Well, really, I've been having a little pain in my tum-tum.
01:09Maybe your shorts are pulled up too high.
01:14No, they're where they always are. Tucked right up under my armpits.
01:20So, baby cakes,
01:22care to trip the light fantastic with me at the school sock-up?
01:26No, thanks.
01:27Jump into the host of that, woman.
01:30I've asked you out over 900 times, and you have said no every time.
01:34Well, it's important to be consistent.
01:37Angel-wise, even an urkel can only take so much rejection.
01:41Muffin, if you turn me down again, I will surely die.
01:49So, sock-up?
01:51No, Steve.
01:54Ow!
01:56Steve, stop faking.
01:57I'm not faking, love muffin. I'm hurting here.
02:02Oh.
02:03Oh.
02:05Oh.
02:07Oh.
02:08Steve, are you okay?
02:09Oh.
02:11Ow.
02:13Ow.
02:15Ow.
02:16Ow.
02:19Come on, Steve. Stop fooling around.
02:23Yeah, Steve. We mean it. Get up.
02:26Steve.
02:26Steve?
02:28Steve.
02:31Harry, call an ambulance.
02:32Oh, no, no.
02:33Here, put his hand in his hand.
02:46It's a rare condition, this day and age,
02:50to read any good news on the newspaper page.
02:53And love and tradition of the grand design.
02:56Some people say it's even harder to find.
03:01Well, then there must be some magic clue
03:04inside these gentle walls.
03:08Cause all I see is a tower of dreams.
03:12Real love bursting out of every scene.
03:17Days go by, it's the bigger love of the family.
03:23Family.
03:35No.
03:41No.
03:53Winslow's, you're here.
03:54Oh, of course we're here, Steve.
03:56Oh, of course we're here.
03:57Oh, you love me.
03:58You really love me.
04:01I don't know.
04:03You just missed my mom and dad.
04:06Oh, did they go down to the cafeteria?
04:08I don't know.
04:08They didn't want to miss their first couples without children meeting.
04:14Here, Steve, I thought these would cheer you up.
04:17Gee, and I don't want you to get such a beautiful bouquet of flowers.
04:21The room next door.
04:22The guy just croaked.
04:29Uncle Steve, I got you a magazine.
04:34Astronomy Today.
04:36Oh, thanks, Richie.
04:37You're out of this world, little buddy.
04:40It was my idea.
04:42Yeah, but I took it out of the dumpster.
04:46Yeah, but I held your feet.
04:49That's nothing, too.
04:52Hello, everybody.
04:54I'm Dr. Skyle.
04:55Hi, doctor.
04:56How are you doing?
04:58Mario Funziano.
05:00Didn't he just croak?
05:03Yeah, now his flowers are cheering me up.
05:09Give it to me straight, doc.
05:11I'm a man.
05:12I can take it.
05:14You got appendicitis.
05:18You better get some rest,
05:20because in a couple of hours,
05:21because in a couple of hours, I'm going to take that appendix out.
05:23Oh, I see.
05:26It's a standard procedure,
05:27and I don't foresee any problems at all.
05:30Well, thanks, doc.
05:32And I have every confidence in you and your abilities.
05:35Call 1-2-5-WEST.
05:37Oh, don't worry, Steve.
05:47You'll be back bugging us in no time.
05:49One can only hope.
05:52Now, if you'll excuse me, loved ones,
05:54I'd like to speak to Lara alone.
05:56Now, I know you're all reluctant to leave at all.
05:59Oh, listen, don't worry.
06:07What's on your mind, Steve?
06:22Lara, I've loved you ever since I first laid eyes on you.
06:26Uh, Steve, I have a tennis court reserve, so...
06:31Honey Bunch, I may not make it through this medical ordeal.
06:36Would you please give me something to remember you by?
06:40Like what?
06:41Marry me.
06:41No.
06:42We can take you.
06:43We go steady.
06:43No.
06:44A date.
06:44No.
06:44A cast.
06:45On the hand.
06:45On the lips.
06:46The forehead.
06:47Deal.
07:02Oh, thank you, Lara.
07:05You're welcome, Steve.
07:07Lara?
07:08Yes?
07:09You're leaning on my appendix.
07:12Lara?
07:14Oh, thank you.
07:23Oh, thank you, Lara.
07:30Steve?
07:31Oh, Lara.
07:59How did everything go?
08:01Oh, great.
08:03Your kidney came out clean as a whistle.
08:06Kidney?
08:08Oh, you were funny, me.
08:12Oh.
08:14Well, we better get going, Steve.
08:16It's getting late, and you need your rest.
08:17Oh, you guys are so, so good, and I love you both so, so darn, darn much.
08:32Steve.
08:33And that's not just the Demerol talking, either.
08:36That's the rape from the old ticker.
08:40Uh, Steve, get some rest now, okay?
08:43Well, I don't think I can.
08:53Hey, Dan, why are you so happy?
08:55Hey, the doctor said that Steve can't come home for three days.
08:59That's 72 hours.
09:01Three days Urkel free.
09:04They'll be the three happiest days of my life.
09:20Charlene, what's going on?
09:22You've got a roommate.
09:23A man got shot in the rear end.
09:27Oh, Lordy, a bullet in the butt.
09:36Oh, Lordy, a bullet in the butt.
09:40Oh, Lordy, a bullet in the butt.
09:40Kidney?
09:42Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!
09:46Oh, Lordy, a bullet in the butt.
09:53Hi, Carl.
09:55Hi.
09:55How you doing, big guy?
09:58Nurse, nurse, are there any other rooms available?
10:01I'm afraid not.
10:03Well, look, oh, I am not a rich man, but I'll pay anything.
10:10It's not a question of money.
10:12Well, wait a minute. What about the new East Wing?
10:14It hasn't been built yet.
10:17I'll wait.
10:20Listen to him.
10:21If I didn't know him any better, I'd think he didn't want to be here with me.
10:26Let's get him into the bed.
10:28Okay, on three.
10:29One, two, three.
10:37Okay, plan B. Let's slide him off with the sheet.
10:41One, two, three.
10:51Officer, we're going to have to roll you onto the bed.
10:54Oh, all right, all right. Just hurry up.
10:57All right, easy, easy.
10:58Oh, oh, ow, ow, ow!
11:12Just stay away. I can do this myself.
11:15I'm a wounded man. This isn't a log-rolling contest.
11:25Oh, oh, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
11:33Your doctor will be in to see you soon.
11:35Oh, thank you.
11:35Just use your call button if you need me.
11:40You're very nice.
11:45So, Karen, tell me what happened.
11:47Did you sit on your gun again?
11:51No, I didn't.
11:53I surprised a couple of slimeballs trying to break into a jewelry store.
11:56Well, did they get away?
11:58Well, one of them did.
11:59But I threw a tackle on the other one and held them down with my one good cheek until help
12:03arrived.
12:06Carl?
12:07Carl?
12:07Carl, I came as soon as I heard you.
12:09Harriet, I'm okay.
12:10Don't worry.
12:10I'm all right.
12:11Oh, Carl.
12:12He'll be, uh, he'll be fine, Rachel.
12:17I'll see to it.
12:21Why is your arm around me?
12:24Well, you're emotionally vulnerable right now.
12:26So I thought I'd make a move on you.
12:31You're lucky.
12:33Oh, I am?
12:34Yeah.
12:35Yeah.
12:35You won't have to go far for medical treatment.
12:45Guess you're one of those chicks that won't loosen up without booze.
12:53Hi, Lou.
12:57Hey, nerd.
12:58What are you doing here?
13:00Well, I had my appendix taken out.
13:02Did you use an anesthetic?
13:03Well, of course.
13:05Wuss.
13:06I don't know.
13:46Carl, you're not eating.
13:49I got shot in the butt, not in the head.
13:53Fire it on over here, big guy.
14:07Look at my life.
14:08I got this pain in the butt, and I've got that pain in the butt.
14:15How could it get any worse?
14:18Hi.
14:27Oh, of course, a concertina.
14:31Well, let's see.
14:32What should I play?
14:34Please don't do this to me.
14:36I don't know that one.
14:41I've got it.
14:42I don't play a mentally dedicated to your particular injury.
14:49Moon river, wider than a mind.
14:54I'm crossing you in style someday.
14:59Very funny.
15:02Blue moon.
15:05You saw me standing alone.
15:09Without a dream in my heart.
15:11Without a love of my own.
15:14Would you please?
15:17Shine on.
15:19Shine on.
15:20There's a moon up in the sky.
15:25I ain't had no love in dancing.
15:29Steve.
15:30Tell me.
15:31Steve!
15:32Steve!
15:33Steve!
15:37No more moon songs.
15:40Well, why not?
15:42I need peace and quiet.
15:43I've just had a major operation.
15:46Yes, you did.
15:47And you think you learned to turn the other cheek.
15:54Wait a sec.
15:56I'll be right over with a surefire chair-upper.
16:05Oh, boy.
16:15I made it.
16:17I'm so glad.
16:19Say hi to Alfred.
16:21Alfred?
16:23What the heck is that?
16:24My appendix.
16:32Ow.
16:34Well, what are you trying to do?
16:36I'm trying to lower the back so I can get some sleep.
16:38But I don't know which button it is.
16:40Oh, well, I do.
16:41Let me try.
16:41No, that's all right.
16:41Let me try.
16:42Let me just...
16:42Oh, let me try.
16:46Let's see.
16:46Let's see.
16:47Ah.
16:48Oh, sorry.
16:49Well, I...
16:51Thank you very much.
16:53Give me this.
16:54What are you trying to do?
16:55Kill me?
16:55Well, of course not.
16:56How could you even ask such a thing?
16:58You know, you're not a very patient patient.
17:00All right.
17:01That is it, Steve.
17:02I've had it with you.
17:04Now, you go back to your bed and shut up.
17:06What?
17:07You heard me.
17:07I have got to get some sleep.
17:09So that means no more helping me with my bed, no more pickle body parts, and no more musical
17:14tribute to my butt!
17:21Well, if that's the way you feel, I'll just leave you alone.
17:27Well, good.
17:28Come on, Alfred.
17:30Alfred.
17:41Officer Winslow?
17:43Yeah.
17:44I'm Dr. Jenkins.
17:47Where's Mr. Funziano?
17:50Dead.
17:52And I bet the food killed him.
17:55How do you feel?
17:57Well, to be perfectly honest, Doc, I've had better days.
18:00Well, you just need some rest.
18:02Would you like me to give you something to help you sleep?
18:04A shot?
18:06Well, yeah.
18:07That's exactly what it is.
18:09Whoa.
18:10Hey, wait a minute.
18:11Wait a minute.
18:12You're no doctor.
18:13Very good.
18:15Now, try and guess what this is.
18:19What?
18:20Is there a full moon out tonight?
18:21Shut up.
18:23Say your prayers, Winslow.
18:24Your history.
18:25Wait a minute.
18:26Wait a minute.
18:26At least tell me who you are and why you're doing this.
18:30You busted my brother, Ralphie.
18:32Ralphie.
18:33Ralphie.
18:33Would that be Ralphie the Pimp, Ralphie the Lone Shark, or Ralphie the Snitch?
18:38The guy who shot you in the butt.
18:40Oh, yes.
18:41Ralphie the Robber.
18:42Nice guy.
18:43Good shot.
18:43Great gun.
18:46So you're the only witness.
18:48I kill you and Ralphie walks.
18:50Well, now, Jenkins, listen.
18:52You're not thinking clearly.
18:54You know, you must have one heck of a headache.
18:57No, I don't.
19:01Well, you do now.
19:02Good work, Steve.
19:09Well, you know, I've always been quick with a bedpan.
19:14Hey, if I only had my handcuffs.
19:16Ah, you don't need them.
19:28Steve, thanks for saving my husband's life.
19:31Ah, shucks.
19:32It wasn't nothing.
19:33The world wouldn't be the same without the big old lug.
19:36Well, I appreciate what you did.
19:38In my book, you're a hero.
19:43Oh.
19:43Well, your turn, sweetums.
19:48Uh, Steve, I kissed you yesterday, remember?
19:51Ah, still weak in the knees, huh?
19:54No, no, more in the stomach area.
20:01See you in my dreams, sweetums.
20:08Carl, I assure you that I won't annoy you anymore.
20:14You won't hear a peep from me for the next two days.
20:19Uh, Steve?
20:21Uh, Steve?
20:22Yes?
20:22Look, if you feel the urge to peep once or twice, it's okay.
20:28I mean, you saved my life, and I shouldn't have snapped at you.
20:32You were just trying to help me.
20:37You were just trying to help me.
21:02And then, when I got hurt, you went out of your way to make me feel better.
21:07True.
21:09But did I appreciate it?
21:11No, sir-y.
21:15No, I yelled at you and ordered you to leave me alone.
21:18And then you saved my life.
21:20Yes, indeedy.
21:23So what does all that tell you?
21:24I'm okay, and you need work.
21:34You're right.
21:35But, hey, you were offering me the greatest gift of all.
21:40And up until now, I haven't accepted it.
21:43Well, what gift is that?
21:44Your friendship.
21:47And if you're still offering it, I'd like to accept it.
21:52Friends, big guy.
21:54Friends.
22:07Let's get some shut-eye.
22:08Good idea.
22:09Hey, let me turn your light off for you, buddy.
22:11Thanks, pal.
22:14Oh!
22:16Oh, I...
22:16Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey.
22:18Oh, gee, this baby's got a hair trigger.
22:21Now, look, let me raise your head just a little.
22:23No, no, no, no, no.
22:29Come here, I'm sorry.
22:31I'm truly sorry for you.
22:38You know, you should really complain about this bed.
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