00:08Thanks for letting me practice on you, Steve.
00:10I really want to ace this first aid class.
00:13No problemo, Eddo.
00:15I have a lot of personal experience in first aid.
00:18I got a nosebleed at birth.
00:19My doctor slapped the wrong end.
00:24I'll be right back.
00:26I'm gonna go get the plaster.
00:28No, Rush. I'm a patient patient.
00:33Girl, big guy.
00:37My buddy with the badge.
00:39My pal on patrol.
00:41How was your day on the mean streets?
00:43Cops and robbers, good guys, bad guys, heroes and hairballs.
00:47The man who risked his loot.
01:03It's a rare condition, this day and age, to read any good news on the newspaper page.
01:10The love and condition of the grand design, some people say it's even harder to find.
01:17Well, then, there must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls.
01:24It's all I assume is a tower of dreams, real love bursting at every scene.
01:32The love and condition of the man who works.
01:43It's all I assume.
01:46It's all I assume.
01:57It's all I assume.
02:02It's the bigger love of the family.
02:26Well, what do you think?
02:29Mom, you look hot.
02:30Thank you, honey.
02:32Oh, Harriet, you are just going to sweep Carl right off his feet.
02:36Well, I want to look perfect.
02:37You know, Carl and I haven't had a romantic dinner date since the Carter administration.
02:42Harriet! Harriet!
02:45Feast your ever-loving eyes on these.
02:48Tickets too, Les Mis.
02:49Better.
02:49Janet Jackson?
02:50Even better.
02:51MC Hammer?
02:57No.
02:58The Blackhawks and the Penguins.
03:01Hockey?
03:02Yeah!
03:03I couldn't pass this up.
03:04And look where we're sitting.
03:05Right behind the goalie.
03:07Great.
03:08We can dodge pucks all night.
03:11Yeah!
03:15You're not going to wear that, are you?
03:17Of course not.
03:18I'll just slip into something more comfortable.
03:20Like a helmet and some shin guards.
03:24Gee, thanks, babe.
03:25You won't regret it.
03:26You're going to have a great time, I promise you.
03:27Especially when they start beating each other up.
03:29Hustle up, babe, okay?
03:33I'm married to the most wonderful woman in the world.
03:44Wait a minute.
03:45Don't give me a turning.
03:47Hi, Laura.
04:01I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America.
04:06Yes, yes!
04:07We only do that when I hold the flag.
04:15Good morning, Miss Steuben.
04:17Good morning, Steven.
04:22Miss Steuben!
04:27Now, take your seat.
04:30Carefully.
04:35Hi, Laura.
04:38Hi, Steve.
04:41All right, class.
04:42Today, we're going to begin to...
04:44Excuse me, Miss Steuben.
04:45I need a moment.
04:49I need a moment.
05:01I'm all set, Miss Steuben.
05:03Teach me.
05:08All right.
05:12Countries, cities, neighborhoods.
05:16Now, all of these are built upon smaller social units, like the family.
05:32Actually, Miss Steuben, current geopolitical constructs are much more complex than your simplistic
05:37and centric circle model would have us believe, as Spengler would point out.
05:41My point is that the family is the center for all social interaction.
05:53And the foundation for most families is marriage.
05:58So, oh, for the next two weeks, the class will be paired off into married couples.
06:08Now, you will all have to figure out how to live on a budget.
06:12You will make decisions about jobs, homes, children.
06:17And each of you will grade your partner.
06:22Yeah.
06:23Do we get to pick who we want to marry?
06:25Well, you should write down your top three choices, and I will do my best to pair everyone up.
06:29The names of the happy couples will be posted on the bulletin board tomorrow.
06:45Stephen, you cannot put the same name three times.
07:01Hi, everybody.
07:02Hi, honey. How you doing?
07:03Hi, honey. How's your head?
07:09How do you think it is? I got hit by a hockey puck.
07:13Sweetheart, that was a great stop. You deserve that standing ovation.
07:18Oh, Carl, I called Shea Josephine's, and we'll confirm for 8 o'clock tonight.
07:23Oh. Oh, babe, I'm sorry. I meant to call you. There's been a little change in plans.
07:29Now what?
07:30Well, you remember Joe Hitchborn, traffic control? Shy guy couldn't get a date?
07:35Yeah.
07:36Well, they switched him to hooker patrol, and he's getting married this weekend.
07:40Oh, my lord. Just a picture of the bridesmaid.
07:45Well, anyway, the guys decided to throw him a little bachelor party tonight. Mind if I go?
07:50It's up to you, Carl.
07:52Gee, thanks, babe. You are the best. Don't wait up.
08:00Oh, fuck it. How could you let Carl get away with that?
08:04Well, what was I supposed to do? Beg him to take me to dinner?
08:08Honey, Carl is my son, and in my eyes, he can do no wrong.
08:14But he's your husband.
08:16You should have knocked him into the middle of next week.
08:20Look, I'd like Carl to be more romantic, but I can't force it out of him.
08:28You know, he used to send me flowers for no reason at all.
08:33And he'd leave me funny little notes all around the house.
08:37He'd even call me three or four times a day just to say he loved me.
08:44Doesn't do those things anymore.
08:47Well, Harriet, doesn't that make you angry?
08:51You know, it makes me scared.
09:06For the next two whistle weeks, I am Mrs. Mark Healy.
09:10Yes!
09:11That's great. Who did I get, Derek or Jeff?
09:13I was so excited, I forgot to look.
09:21I was so excited, I was so excited.
09:24Whoo!
09:29Let's go.
09:33Sprout! Sprout! Sprout!
09:36Give my wife some air!
09:49mommy yes sweetie i'm glad uncle carl is back richie he didn't go anywhere
09:56yes he did aunt harriet said that he was in the dog house
10:11laura i called rachel's place two hours ago where have you been just walking well sit down you almost
10:18missed dinner
10:33very funny what's the matter lose your sense of humor mrs urkel
10:41eddie is that your face or did your neck throw up
10:46now children know fighting at the table
10:52hi honey i'm home
10:59laura my little nuptial nymph i know you're eager to begin our life together but i must have a word
11:04with your father before we proceed what is it steve well carl call me old-fashioned but before i marry
11:11laura i'd like to have your blessing
11:15well steve i appreciate that but uh i wouldn't stand in your way if you two are really really in
11:23love
11:26you won't be sorry sir i can assure you that we urkels are a fine old family with a proud
11:31name
11:32you know that in kenya urkel means a benign cyst on the foreleg of a wildebeest
12:00are you ready for dessert my little creep suzette
12:06steve i'm full you cooked seven meals for me today it would have been eight but i didn't like
12:11the smell of that sushi i finished all the housework you know deep in the back of your fridge i
12:18found a
12:18fascinating mold specimen thriving on an ancient cheese wheel go home
12:26not yet
12:31this is our last night of wedded bliss yeah i've been blowing up balloons
12:50what are you doing setting the mood my darling
12:56for two wonderful weeks you and i have pretended to be man and wife
13:00and now on this our last night we can make each other's dreams come true with a kiss
13:09steve did you eat that moldy cheese
13:17don't hold back let yourself go do what you feel
13:28oh i felt the earth move
13:33steve we're supposed to grade each other on this assignment and right now you're staring down the
13:37barrel of an f
13:40one kiss a peck on the cheek a momentary escalation
13:46forget that i have a headache
13:48i thought you might say that so i came prepared aspirin baby
13:58steve i want a divorce go home to your mother
14:03my manly otter has frightened you
14:13that's okay it won't happen again i'm prepared to wait forever if need be in the meantime i hope
14:19you'll accept this small gift as a little memento of our two glorious weeks together
14:27steve this is really beautiful one-third carat diamond with one-tenth the sparkle of your lovely eyes
14:37this is real where did you get the money for this
14:40from my stay away fund every year all my relatives send me money and hope that i won't visit them
14:48steve i can't accept this it's too expensive but my little baguette it was a mere eight hundred dollars
14:56eight hundred dollars are you out of your mind this is a school assignment it's pretend we're not
15:03married we're not engaged we're not even dating and we never will be but i thought you'd like
15:08what i'd like is for you to leave me alone
15:23laura i know i'm not worthy of you but i just can't help loving you
15:30it's like wanting to touch a star you know you'll never reach it but you've just got to keep trying
15:45why do you always say things like that
15:49these last two weeks have been wonderful for me it's the closest i'll ever get to marrying you
15:55that's why i wanted you to have this no strings attached just the one to my heart
16:16Is he wrong?
16:18No, just pruning your father.
16:21Fern.
16:23Something on your mind?
16:26Yeah, Steve.
16:27Ooh, he did a good job on my oven.
16:29Tell him we're out of easy off.
16:32I can't.
16:33I just went home.
16:37Mom, I think I hurt Steve's feelings.
16:41What happened?
16:43He's smothering me.
16:44He sent me a room full of roses.
16:46He calls me every hour.
16:48He waits on me hand and foot.
16:51A person can only take so much devotion.
16:53You don't know how lucky you are.
16:56Steve may not be the man of your dreams,
16:58but it's a wonderful thing when somebody loves you that much.
17:05Mom, he sent me an eight-foot giraffe.
17:10It's not funny.
17:15Sorry, honey.
17:17You've got to admit one thing.
17:19Steve sure never takes you for granted.
17:22I wish he would.
17:24I'm all lurkled out.
17:28Well, Steve is a pest.
17:31No question about that.
17:33But he adores you, Laura.
17:35And he shows it.
17:37You know, being romantic is a good quality for a husband to have.
17:51Mark Healy is selfish, conceited, and inconsiderate.
17:57He cheated on me with an older woman.
18:03I caught him at the movies with the ninth grader.
18:06So I divorced him.
18:09Mark, I give you an F minus.
18:12What?
18:16Well, we've learned that not everyone is compatible.
18:20But I am glad to see that Maxine and Mark have resolved their differences maturely.
18:29Jerk.
18:30Dweeb.
18:33All right, let's move on to our last couple.
18:37Oh, Stephen, you may begin.
18:47Obviously, Laura was the perfect wife.
18:50Brilliant mother, helpmate and manager.
18:53I'll always be proud that she was the first Mrs. Urkel.
18:58She's an A all the way.
19:05Laura, your grade for Stephen.
19:16Well, Steve is incredibly annoying and a pest.
19:23Well, you just want to slap him all the time.
19:30But he's also hardworking and caring.
19:36He really tried to make me happy.
19:39He was a good husband, and I gave him an A+.
19:46Smuggles!
19:49You do love me!
19:54What have I done?
20:04Hi, hon.
20:05Do I know you?
20:10Okay.
20:12I deserve that.
20:15Harriet, last night...
20:19Well, I overheard you talking to Laura, and what you said to her, well, it made me realize that I've
20:27been acting like a jerk, an idiot, a fool, an ignoramus, stopping whatever you like, Harriet.
20:35I don't know you're doing fine.
20:39Harriet, you are the most important person in the world to me.
20:46And you always will be.
20:48I thank God every day that we're together.
20:51But now it's time I start thanking you.
20:58So, Harriet, I want you to put on that beautiful new dress, because we have an 8 o'clock reservation
21:04at Shea Josephine's.
21:05And, sweetheart, when you walk in there, I'd like you to wear this.
21:13Oh, Carl.
21:17It's just a little I love you present.
21:21Oh, Carl.
21:25It's beautiful.
21:27But, sweetheart, not as beautiful as you.
21:37Ooh, Sparkle City.
21:42I know I shouldn't ask, but how much?
21:45Well, I got a good deal.
21:47I bought it off of Urkel.
21:52He tried to bargain with me, but the poor kid was overmatched.
21:56He caved in at 1,000.
21:59Ooh, Carl.
22:01That's way too much.
22:03Yeah, but he threw in a little something extra.
22:31Worth every pin.
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