00:04Hey, yo, Waldo, how do I look?
00:08With your eyes.
00:13Man, this is gonna be some concert.
00:15Nine rap groups in one night.
00:18Yeah, I just hope they don't all sing at the same time.
00:23No, Waldo, they'll probably take turns.
00:26Oh, cool.
00:29There's just one problem.
00:31Our seats are right next to the speakers,
00:33and it'll be kind of hard for the honeys
00:34to hear our clever pickup lines.
00:36I got that cover, Eddie.
00:37I've only got one clever pickup line,
00:39and the girls are gonna hear it.
00:43Hey, babe.
00:47Looking good.
00:50Are those real?
00:55A bullhorn.
00:56Well, all of that is so stupid, it's brilliant.
01:02Look at this.
01:04Let's go.
01:13Thanks.
01:27It's a rare condition, this day and age,
01:30to read any good news on the newspaper page.
01:34And love and tradition of the grand design,
01:37Some people say it's even harder to find.
01:42Well, then there must be some magic clue
01:45inside these gentle walls.
01:49Cause all I see is a tower of dreams,
01:53real love bursting out of every scene.
01:57As days go by, we're going to fill our house with happiness.
02:05The moon may cry, but we'll smother the blues with tenderness.
02:12As days go by, there's room for you, room for me,
02:18For gentle hearts and opportunity.
02:22As days go by, it's the bigger love of the family.
02:41I don't believe it.
02:43Pierce made Captain, and he's three years younger than me.
02:45Well, it's not fair, sir.
02:47You are every bit as good as Pierce.
02:49I know.
02:49I suck up to all the same people, don't I?
02:53Hey, nobody kisses butt like you, sir.
02:58Thank you, Winslow.
03:00Hey, Pierce probably cheated
03:01by working hard and being conscientious.
03:05That lowlife.
03:06He donates blood.
03:08He's a big brother.
03:10He does volunteer work at the old folks' home.
03:12You know, some guys have no shame.
03:15Yeah.
03:17Bonjour, John Donne.
03:25Hello, Steve.
03:26What's with the get-up, nerd?
03:28Oh, I was working in my laboratory, Flatfoot.
03:33I was attempting to fix Urquibot.
03:36Urquibot?
03:38Uh, no, sir.
03:39That's Urquibot.
03:41Some crazy mixed-up robot that Steve built a few months ago.
03:44It went haywire and fell in love with my daughter.
03:47Hmm.
03:48Carl, I know why Urquibot malfunctioned.
03:51You see, several microchips in his personality circuit went bad.
03:54I was fixing it when it hit me.
03:57A big idea?
03:58No, my robot.
03:59It hit me.
04:01So I fixed that, too.
04:02And that's when it hit me.
04:04But I thought you fixed it.
04:05No, I got the big idea.
04:08Urquibot needs a job.
04:10And that's when it hit me.
04:11Another big idea.
04:12No, my robot.
04:13I didn't fix him after all.
04:16Would you just please get to the point?
04:18Well, all right, Mr. Antypants.
04:22All right, here goes.
04:24Here's my big idea.
04:26Urquibot should become Urquibot.
04:34Well, what's the matter?
04:35Don't you like my idea?
04:37Steve, you can't be serious.
04:39A machine could never make a good cop.
04:41Oh, and just why in Sam Hill not?
04:43Well, a million reasons.
04:44For one, it can't eat donuts.
04:52That's enough, Winslow.
04:57The lad might be on to something here.
04:59He might?
05:00Yeah.
05:01If this robot of his worked out,
05:03it would make me look real good,
05:05and I'd get my promotion.
05:07It would also help benefit society.
05:10It could help millions of people.
05:12Why, it could change the course of human history.
05:16Oh.
05:18Oh, yeah, yeah, whatever.
05:29Hello?
05:34Hi.
05:36Guess what?
05:37I have a chance to make some real money.
05:40Well, what about the money I pay you
05:42for working at Rachel's place?
05:44No offense, but I said real money.
05:49I want to become a distributor
05:51for Larnese Cosmetics.
05:54Ah, Larnese Cosmetics.
05:57Never heard of them.
05:59Well, that's because they're a new company,
06:01and they're looking for distributors.
06:03And you know I'm a good salesman.
06:05I mean, I could sell suntan lotion to Michael Jackson.
06:10And all I need to get started is 400 bucks.
06:13You have to send them money?
06:15Well, yeah, they send me $400 worth of their cosmetics,
06:18and I turn right around and sell them for $800.
06:21Everybody wins.
06:22Wait a minute.
06:23Do you have $400?
06:27Not quite.
06:30I know where this is going.
06:31Yep, straight to our bank account.
06:34Look, I have $100, and if you guys all put in $100 each,
06:37we'd be equal partners, and I'd do all the work.
06:40I don't know, Laura.
06:41Look, honey, you know money has been kind of scarce,
06:44and just coming up with $100 cash just...
06:46Oh, come on, you tightwads.
06:48Laura's only asking for $100, not a kidney.
06:52She's showing real get-up-and-go.
06:55She's being an entrepreneur.
06:57We should reward that kind of initiative.
07:00I say we write her a check right now.
07:04You're right.
07:05Sure, come on.
07:06Don't you take it?
07:07Give me back.
07:11Thanks, everybody.
07:13Oh, ladies, I'm a little short this month.
07:18But what have you put in my share?
07:24Amen!
07:25Amen!
07:37Okay, we're all set.
07:40Good.
07:40It's about time.
07:42Now, in honor of the occasion, I prepared a short speech.
07:47In the year of our Lord, 1977,
07:51the Urkel child was born.
07:56And on that day, that child was...
08:00Would you just please show us the robot?
08:03Oh, okay.
08:05But this is no ordinary robot.
08:08This is the one, the only,
08:10the absolutely amazing Urkel cop!
08:19Okay.
08:20An official police badge.
08:24The two, the one, the one, the one, the other one.
08:29Jesus, the one, the other one.
08:30What?
08:38Yes, I see a successful police badge.
08:41Yes.
08:42No, I mean, I'm not a believer.
08:43Yes.
08:44Yes.
08:45Yes.
08:45Yes.
08:45Yes.
08:46Yes.
09:09Wow! Neat-o!
09:14Oh, please. You can't be serious.
09:17Sir.
09:18Well, go ahead. Test his knowledge.
09:22Okay. What's the first thing an officer should do upon arriving at the scene of a robbery in progress?
09:30Call for backup.
09:33Is that right?
09:38Yes, sir.
09:40I'm impressed.
09:42Well, okay, so he memorized a few books. Big deal.
09:46But, sir, you and I went to the police academy. We are properly trained.
09:51Well, so is Urkelbot. I guarantee you that he has studied the best. Check it out.
09:57Go ahead, punk. Make my day.
10:01Who loves you, baby?
10:06Just the facts, ma'am.
10:09Kid, this is quite an achievement.
10:11Well, thank you, Lou. And, oh, feel free to use the word genius.
10:16Now, as the ranking officer here, it falls upon my shoulders to think of a way to use this robot
10:21to benefit me and no one else.
10:24Winslow, say hello to your new partner.
10:30What?
10:31I'm assigning you to the mini-mart robberies.
10:34If you, too, can catch the guy who's robbed 18 convenience stores, I'll get promoted to captain.
10:40If you mess up, I've never heard of you.
10:43It's perfect.
10:47Come on, Sergeant. Let's hit the mean streets and kick some bad guy butt.
11:01Well, now, sir, listen. Now, I realize that this, this bucket of boats is smart and it talks a good
11:07game.
11:07But what is it gonna do when words fail and it's time to get rough?
11:40Any other questions, Carl?
11:44On second thought, I'd be happy to be his partner.
11:56I know. I know what you mean.
11:58Well, that was a nice party. You know, Marjorie sure got some beautiful gifts at her baby shower.
12:03Yeah, but, you know, now I don't know what I'm gonna get her next month for a wedding shower.
12:08I miss the old days when we took our showers in the proper order.
12:14Oh, look. Larnie sent us our cosmetics.
12:16Oh, come on. Come on. Open them up. Open them up.
12:20Oh.
12:26This shampoo smells great.
12:28Oh, look. There's a hair conditioner, too.
12:31Let's go try this stuff out right now.
12:33Yeah, I can't wait to see how my hair comes out.
12:35Come on.
13:03I never see us all over there!
13:18Hey, what's all the noise down here?
13:20What's on the racket?
13:22Hi, how are you?
13:30Harry?
13:32Oh, look at me!
13:34Do I have to?
13:38I'm sorry, honey, but...
13:41But you're bald.
13:44And so is my daughter!
13:51And so is my mother!
13:54What happened to you guys?
13:58Larnie's Cosmetics is what happened to us.
13:59We all used that stupid shampoo.
14:01Well, I don't get it.
14:03I mean, I use that shampoo and my hair is fine.
14:05Nancy!
14:11I'm going to call this Larnie's company and yell at them what happened!
14:16Well, Laura, what did you hear about this company?
14:19Well, they had a full page ad in a reputable magazine!
14:21Which magazine?
14:23Fucking rap!
14:28Listen to this.
14:30Try Larnie's shampoo.
14:32You'll love how your hair comes out.
14:37Well, you can't get them for false advertising.
14:50We're sorry, Ma.
14:52We realize that you're upset.
14:53But hey, look on the bright side.
14:56You all could be backup singers for Sinead O'Connor.
15:09I don't understand.
15:10Their number's no longer in service.
15:12Well, I hate to tell you this, sweetheart, but I believe you've been swindled.
15:16What do you mean?
15:18Well, Larnie's Cosmetics is obviously a fly-by-night operation.
15:21They probably sold hundreds of distributorships, took the money, and ran.
15:26You guys, I'm really sorry about this.
15:30It just seemed like such a great deal.
15:33Sweetheart, if something seems too good to be true, it probably is.
15:38Look, look, I've got to her up and get dressed and get down to the wig barn.
15:44Well, hey, I'll drive you off.
15:46Let's just calm down and have some breakfast.
15:50That's a good idea.
15:51You know, I don't know why, but suddenly, I'm in the mood for melon.
16:19Excuse me.
16:22Sir?
16:24Oh, may I help you very much?
16:30Yeah, I'd like to pay for this soda.
16:32Oh, pain is very, very good.
16:38Bless you very much.
16:39And as they say at the border in my country, please, come back.
16:48Hey, that's a great accent, big guy.
16:50Oh, thank you very much, Steve.
16:54But I still say this is a complete waste of time.
16:58I mean, the odds of this place being robbed tonight are one in a million.
17:02Correction.
17:03The odds are one in three.
17:06Where does he get this stuff?
17:09Triangulation.
17:10Ergobot marked on a map the locations of the previous robberies.
17:13I detected a pattern and deduced the most logical spot to be hidden at.
17:18And here we are at Pete's Shop and Save.
17:21Right on Rooney.
17:22Well, now that you've got your metal man set up, why don't you head on home, Steve, okay?
17:30So, let me get this straight.
17:33You have three flavors of antacid, Mr. Night Manager?
17:37A person I have never met before in my entire life.
17:42Yes, yes, yes.
17:44Cherry, lemon, and goofy grape.
17:47Now go home, small man.
17:50It's my dog.
17:52Nobody moves, nobody gets hurt.
17:54Oh.
17:56You, empty the cash register.
17:58You, get me a cherry slurpee.
18:05What's that?
18:06Surprise me!
18:08Put the cash in a bag.
18:10Uh, paper or plastic?
18:11Just do it.
18:12As you wish.
18:32Freeze, dog rat.
18:34What?
18:35You're under arrest.
18:36You have the right to remain silent.
18:38You have the right to have an attorney present.
18:40Shut up!
18:41What are you?
18:43I'm your worst nightmare.
18:48Oh yeah?
18:59I'm a lady, brawling.
19:04Ow!
19:05Ow!
19:06Ow!
19:06Ow!
19:07Ow!
19:08Ow!
19:08Ow!
19:08Ow!
19:09Ow!
19:09Ow!
19:09Ow!
19:19Hasta la vista, baby.
19:30You are busted, pal.
19:33Thank you very much.
19:34Whatever, just kick that hunk of junk away from me.
19:37So, you're not so bad without your gun, Mr. Gimme-a-Slurpee.
19:51Yeah, then I slapped the cuffs on them and took them right downtown.
19:54All right, Carl. That's great.
19:56And I participated, Lauren. Feel like kissing a hero?
20:01I sure do.
20:08Listen, Steve.
20:09When our hair grows back, do you think Urquobot can analyze a sample and track down those jokers who did
20:14this to us?
20:15And snatch them bald.
20:18Well, he could, but he can't, so he won't.
20:21What?
20:22Well, Urquobot has decided to give up police work.
20:25He finds it too dangerous.
20:26So, he's decided to become a dancer.
20:30A dancing robot?
20:32Oh, yes, yes.
20:33It was such a peachy idea, I decided to build him a partner.
20:37Wait a minute.
20:38Are you saying that you built a mechanical woman?
20:40That's right.
20:41Oh, and, Laura, I averted my eyes during the final welding, sweetheart.
20:47Glad to hear it, Steve.
20:49You know, I named my new robot after you, Laura.
20:52I call it...
20:53Larabot.
20:57Gee, Steve, if I cared, I'd be honored.
21:01Well, Steve, are these robot dancers of yours any good?
21:04Well, you tell me.
21:08Well, come on.
21:09Come on.
21:18Ready to dance, Urquobot?
21:20Let's get down with our bad sass.
21:33Let's go.
21:38You know, you're the boss.
21:42Let's go.
21:44Let's go.
21:46You're the boss.
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