00:03I'm down, down, working in the co-op, whoops, about to get down, working, working, working in the co-op,
00:15whoops, about to get down, working, working in the co-op, whoops, sorry to startle you, ma'am, I'm looking
00:20for your husband.
00:26That's a good one, sir. But, uh, I'm just helping out around the house. You see, we're a modern family.
00:33Harriet's out working late, so I'm up here straightening it up and cooking dinner.
00:37Cooking and cleaning? My God, man, where's your self-respect?
00:44I have plenty of self-respect, sir. Oh, touchy. What is it, PMS?
00:53Here. This is for you.
00:56A beeper?
00:57That's right. From now on, when there's important police business that needs to be handled quickly, I can reach you
01:03anytime, anywhere.
01:05Sir, are any other sergeants getting beepers?
01:08No, just you. All my other sergeants have already had their annual performance review.
01:16I understand, sir.
01:18Excellent. Now stick that beeper in your purse.
01:27Lieutenant, let me just emphasize one thing here.
01:33I wear the pants in this house.
01:36I am the breadwinner.
01:38I am the man of this house.
01:43Hi, honey, I'm home.
01:47What's for dinner?
02:03It's a rare condition, this day and age, to read any good news on the newspaper page.
02:10And love and tradition of the grand design.
02:14Some people say it's even harder to find.
02:17Well, then there must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls.
02:25It's all I see.
02:28It's all I see.
02:28It's a tower of dreams.
02:29It's all I see.
02:34It's all I see.
02:47It's all I see.
02:55It's all I see.
02:58It's all I see.
02:59It's all I see.
03:02It's all I see.
03:07It's all I see.
03:28It's all I see.
03:28I'll take my pancakes.
03:28Make mine waffles.
03:29I'll take ice cream.
03:32He had an oatmeal.
03:37Uh-oh, uh-oh.
03:39That's Lieutenant Murtaugh.
03:40This could be an emergency and I'm not even dressed yet.
03:44Carl hasn't moved that fast since he chased a doughnut downhill.
03:49Stop it.
03:52What salt?
03:59What light through yonder window breaks?
04:04It is the east.
04:06And a long rye is the sun.
04:11Hey, that's from Romeo and Juliet.
04:14Very good.
04:15That's right.
04:16The auditions for the annual school play are being held today.
04:19This year's offering is the Bard's Immortal Tragedy of Two Star-Crossed Lovers.
04:25Does that give you the shivers, my sweet?
04:29Well, my skin is definitely crawling.
04:33Steve, why don't you try out for Romeo?
04:36No.
04:37No.
04:38That will make it a comedy.
04:41You know, those were the exact words uttered by Miss Steuben, the play's director.
04:45But, of course, she was bright enough to see that my dashing good looks and remarkable physical prowess
04:52would clearly overshadow the rest of the cast.
04:56So she made you stage manager?
04:58Yeah.
05:02Good night.
05:03Good night.
05:05Hearting is such sweet sorrow that I shall say good night till it be morrow.
05:13You're a little bit late at night.
05:16Oh.
05:17Oh.
05:24So, Laura, are you going to audition for Juliet?
05:28I'm not sure.
05:29You should?
05:30You'd be great.
05:32Absolutely.
05:33I mean, you are related to me, and I am a wonderful actress.
05:36That's right.
05:37I've seen her tell a man she was 23 and not even blink.
05:45Well, gotta go.
05:47What was the emergency call?
05:49Oh, uh, Lieutenant Murtaugh wants me to pick up his uniform at the cleaners.
05:58Watch this performance.
06:02Oh, Carl, don't go out there all alone.
06:06We're crazy about you, you big lug.
06:10When will it all end?
06:11The robbing, the killing, the uniform picking-upping.
06:17I just can't take it anymore.
06:23Still got it.
06:26Yeah, but who wants it?
06:35Romeo, Romeo.
06:38Wherefore art thou, Romeo?
06:41Deny thy father and refuse thy name.
06:45Oh, Romeo.
06:48Oh, thank you.
06:51Uh, thank you, everyone.
06:53Thank you, everyone.
06:57You were all very good.
07:00You were all very, very good.
07:01Stop that.
07:02Stop it.
07:03Now.
07:03Now.
07:13Stephen, take a seat.
07:17Where?
07:18Pittsburgh.
07:21Oh, Miss Steuben, you slay me.
07:24Oh, oh.
07:30As I was saying, the auditions were spirited.
07:35But the part of Romeo will be played by Daniel Wallace.
07:44I knew he'd get it.
07:46He's gorgeous.
07:47Girl, I can't wait to see him in tights.
07:51Now, I have narrowed the choices for Juliet down to two girls.
07:55It will either be Maxine or Laura.
08:02Uh, Daniel, would you mind reading with the ladies?
08:05Well, it will be my extreme and intense pleasure.
08:10Maxine, you go first.
08:16But soft.
08:18What life through yonder window breaks?
08:20It is the east.
08:22And Juliet is the sun.
08:26See how she leans her cheek upon her hand.
08:29Oh, that hour a glove upon that hand,
08:31that I might touch that cheek.
08:35You are so gorgeous.
08:39All right.
08:41Thank you, Maxine.
08:42That was a very interesting interpretation.
08:48How'd I do?
08:49Oh, you were great.
08:51All right, Lawrence, your turn.
08:52Let's start with line 31, act two, scene two.
09:03Dost thou love me?
09:05Oh, gentle Romeo, if thou dost love,
09:08pronounce it faithfully.
09:11Oh, there's our Juliet.
09:13Oh, yeah.
09:13Oh, yeah.
09:16Good night.
09:19Good night.
09:22Parting is such sweet sorrow
09:26that I shall say good night
09:29till it be morrow.
09:33Tom!
09:35Ah!
09:35Ah!
09:37Ah!
09:40Ah!
09:40I said, come for great out loud!
09:55Ooh!
09:57Harry!
09:58Sweetheart, you look f***ed.
10:05Ah!
10:06Thank you, Carl.
10:08In fact, why don't you and I just skip dinner and stay home tonight?
10:13We could do that.
10:15Yeah?
10:16But if we do, we'll miss the all-you-can-eat special at Chez Josephine's.
10:31Let's go.
10:34Oh, no, not Murtaugh again.
10:38Sweetheart, I know it's a pain, but I'm in my annual performance review time and I gotta
10:42be on my best behavior.
10:43But don't worry, I'll just call Lieutenant Murtaugh and tell him we have special plans.
10:49Now, always remember, Laura, that great acting comes from within.
10:55Legendary performances come from actors who can reach deep down into their souls and dredge
11:01up pain.
11:03Can you feel it, Laura?
11:05Can you feel a pain?
11:10I feel a pain, I'm Rachel.
11:12And I'm hoping it'll go back into the kitchen.
11:17Did you try what you thought it was said?
11:19Shh!
11:20Carl's telling Lieutenant Murtaugh that we're busy tonight and he's not available to run his personal errands.
11:24Yes, sir, that's you.
11:27Two burgers.
11:27Well done.
11:29Small order of fries.
11:31And one vanilla shake.
11:33Yes, sir.
11:34Got it, sir.
11:35No problem.
11:36Glad to do it, sir.
11:37Okay.
11:38Bye now.
11:44Now, Harriet, I know what you're thinking, but the poor guy's car is in the shop and he's
11:48lying on his stomach with a very painful boil.
11:55Carl, I don't believe this.
11:56I rush home from work, take two hours to get ready, and now I've got to stay home because
12:02your boss has a boil.
12:07You see, Laura, that's the kind of pain I'm talking about.
12:11Now, if you could reach deep down into your sofa.
12:21Well, I better go get Lieutenant Murtaugh's food and ointment.
12:26You know, I don't think that this night can get any worse.
12:32Tiny ho, Winslow's.
12:36I was wrong.
12:40Wrong.
12:41Wrong.
12:42Oh, man.
12:43Awful, terrible news.
12:45What?
12:45What?
12:46Daniel Wallace is in the hospital with appendicitis.
12:50But we open in two nights.
12:51Who's gonna play Romeo?
12:57No.
12:58Oh, no.
13:01Yes, my cuddly Capulet.
13:03Tis I.
13:06So when we perform the famous balcony scene?
13:08It will be my lips pressed hotly against yours.
13:16Ah, Rachel?
13:18Yes, Laura?
13:19I found that pain.
13:32Bravo, Juliet!
13:34Bravo, Juliet!
13:35Encore!
13:36Encore!
13:37Encore!
13:40Carl, do you have to do that after every scene?
13:43Ma, I happen to be proud of my daughter.
13:45I wish I could say the same about my son.
13:49Poor Laura.
13:50What do you mean?
13:51The balcony scene is next.
13:53Think she'll really kiss Steve?
13:54I don't know.
13:56Every time I ask her about it, she just cries and takes another rollade.
14:01Oh, Ma, did you bring that beeper to the plate?
14:05Wilma, Lieutenant Murtaugh ordered me to carry it at all times.
14:08I'll go see what he wants.
14:11No.
14:12No.
14:13I am not going.
14:14No.
14:15This is my daughter's big moment and I'm gonna be here to see it.
14:20Sorry, Lieutenant.
14:21This line is out of order.
14:34I'm proud of you.
14:36You got your priorities straight.
14:40Shh.
14:41Here goes.
14:42The balcony scene.
14:59There.
15:01But soft.
15:04What light through yonder window breaks.
15:07It is the east.
15:09And Juliet is the sun.
15:15Bravo, Juliet!
15:17Bravo!
15:18Oh, Romeo.
15:25Romeo.
15:26Wherefore art thou Romeo?
15:38Dost thou love me?
15:42Oh, gentle Romeo.
15:45If thou dost love, pronounce it faithfully.
15:52Oh!
15:55Yes.
15:56Ouchie!
15:59Steve, are you okay?
16:00I bit my dagger.
16:05Oh, swear not by the moon.
16:07The inconstant moon.
16:13Then what shall I swear by?
16:15Do not swear at all.
16:17Madam.
16:18I hear some noise within, dear love.
16:20Adieu.
16:32Good night.
16:34Good night.
16:37Good night.
16:37is such a sweet sorrow
16:43that I shall say goodnight
16:48till it be morrow.
16:54Oh, God, I wish it were morrow.
17:06Oh!
17:12Dolly! Dolly!
17:14Oh, Mama!
17:26Oh, Mama!
17:34Oh, Mama!
17:37Oh, Mama!
17:39Oh, Mama!
17:42Oh, Mama!
17:44Oh, Mama!
17:45What?
17:45What did this guy do there?
17:47Oh, Mama!
18:00Oh, Mama!
18:02Oh, Mama!
18:04Oh, Mama!
18:08Oh!
18:09Oh!
18:09Miss Stephen?
18:14I'm sorry.
18:16I know, Stephen.
18:18You're always sorry.
18:23Listen, Stephen, I've...
18:26I've decided to retire
18:28from the theater arts department.
18:31Oh, gee, that's a shame.
18:33Yeah, well...
18:36Stephen,
18:38you're not taking home ec
18:40next semester, are you?
18:44No.
18:45Oh, good. Oh, good.
18:47I'll teach that then.
18:56Oh.
19:13Steve?
19:14Huh?
19:15The fair Juliet.
19:17How lovely thou lookest!
19:20Are you okay?
19:22Sure.
19:25Good.
19:26Some lunkhead would jerk, jerk, jerk
19:28all over your makeup mirror.
19:31That's okay.
19:32I'm the lunkhead.
19:38Well, why'd you do that?
19:41Well, that's true.
19:42I am a jerk.
19:44Laura, I ruined the play.
19:48Steve, it was an accident.
19:49I mean, it could've happened to anybody.
19:57Well, there must be somebody else it could've happened to.
20:01Nope.
20:02It was vintage Urkel.
20:06Laura, I've dreamed all my life of being kissed by you.
20:11And when it finally happened,
20:14I blew it.
20:16And I turned a magical moment into a three-ring circus.
20:22Steve, you made a mistake, that's all.
20:25But I ruined it for you, too.
20:27I mean, you were the best Juliet there ever was.
20:30And I made you look like a fool.
20:34Believe me, Steve.
20:35Nobody thinks I'm a fool.
20:41Really?
20:42Do you mean it, or are you saying it just to make me feel better?
20:48I mean it.
20:49In fact, the audience liked what you did.
20:51I mean, they gave us a standing ovation, five curtain calls.
20:54They loved us so much, they wouldn't even let us finish the play.
20:57Well, we couldn't finish the play.
21:00I leveled Verona.
21:08Thanks for cheering me up, Laura.
21:11You're welcome.
21:14Touching. Sorry.
21:19Come on, let's go to the cast party.
21:21Great.
21:24Laura, I have a question to ask you.
21:28Why did you take the time to pull me out of my misery?
21:33I don't know.
21:36Did you do it out of a love?
21:42No, I did it out of pity.
21:46But the seeds of pity can blossom into love.
22:14Inez for a month, the
22:18the
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