00:10I'll take the front.
00:16Your dad, Urkel alert.
00:41You're welcome.
00:53It's a rare condition
00:55this day and age
00:57to read any good news
00:59on the newspaper page
01:00and love and tradition
01:02of the grand design
01:03some people say
01:05it's even harder to find
01:07Well, then there must be
01:10some magic clue
01:11inside these gentle walls
01:14Cause all I see
01:17is a tower of dreams
01:19real love bursting
01:21out of every scene
01:23As days go by
01:27We're gonna fill our house
01:29with happiness
01:31Who may cry
01:34But we'll smother the blues
01:36with tenderness
01:38As days go by
01:40There's room for you
01:43Room for me
01:44For gentle hearts
01:46and opportunity
01:49It's the bigger love
01:54of the family
02:14Oh joy, look who's here
02:16Larry, Moe, and Urkel
02:20Marry, my little cup of noodles
02:23I have something
02:25very exciting to show you
02:26You change of address card?
02:34No, something even better
02:36Feast your eyes
02:38on the newest addition
02:39to La Familia Urkel
02:40all the way
02:41from a South American rainforest
02:43A Peruvian stick bug
02:46Pablo
02:52Girls
02:53Girls
02:59Oh, come on
03:00Grow some guts
03:03That thing is so ugly
03:06Shh
03:07Pablo's bilingual
03:11Excuse me
03:12But I don't want to hear
03:13about a bug's sex life
03:16Steve
03:17Why did you send away
03:18for that thing?
03:20Well
03:20My truth is
03:21I ain't daddy for bugs
03:22I love them
03:24In fact
03:25Every year
03:26I attend the
03:26Entomology Expo
03:28Pablo here
03:29is a shoo-in
03:30to win best
03:31and most legs
03:33Pablo
03:34Pablo
03:35He's gone
03:36He's gone
03:37Help me find him
03:39He's gone
03:39Help me find him
03:40He's gone
03:46He's gone
03:47Pablo
03:47Pablo
03:48Don't need stats
03:52Hablame
03:55Ahora mismo
03:58Oh, ai caramba
04:10Oh, my.
04:26Calm down, honey. Calm down.
04:29Oh, did you see the size of that thing?
04:32I'll bet that's what the bug was thinking, too.
05:01Got it.
05:11Oh, my God.
05:21Oh, my God.
05:31Oh, my God.
05:35Oh, Pablo.
05:39Oh, Pablo.
05:43Who is Pablo?
05:45Him.
05:48And him.
05:50And all.
05:52And him.
05:56How could you do this?
05:59Steve, that thing was staring right at my jugular going like this.
06:06He was doing the mating ritual.
06:12Then I stopped him just in time.
06:15How can you be so insensitive?
06:18Steve, it was just a bug.
06:20It was a special bug and expensive to boot.
06:24Why, Pablo cost me $486.52.
06:29What?
06:30That is way too much money to spend on a dead insect.
06:33Well, he wasn't dead till he met you.
06:44Well, don't you have something you'd like to say to me?
06:47Yes.
06:48Clean up that mess and then go home.
06:58Bye, con Dios, compadre.
07:04You're in a happier place now.
07:07Where the leaves are succulent.
07:09And no one wears shoes.
07:26Carl, come to bed.
07:28It's late.
07:29I can't.
07:30Every time I close my eyes, I see that, that, that.
07:35You mocked that, Dave?
07:39Steve, what do you want?
07:42I thought I'd give Carl one last chance to apologize.
07:45Oh, for Pete's sake, Steve.
07:47It was just a stupid bug.
07:49Well, then we'll see if the judge thinks it was just a stupid bug.
07:55Judge?
07:55What judge?
07:56I'm suing your bug-squashing pants off.
08:01No, no, no, wait a minute.
08:03Can't you just settle this amongst yourselves?
08:06No.
08:08Small claims court is backed up for months.
08:11Oh, we don't need small claims court.
08:13We can settle this on that TV show, Citizens Court.
08:18Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute.
08:20Are you two willing to make fools of yourselves on national TV?
08:23Yes.
08:24Yes.
08:27Just asking.
08:33Hurry!
08:34Mom!
08:34Judy!
08:35It's starting!
08:37Mom, is Uncle Carl going to jail?
08:40No, pinhead.
08:41You don't go to jail for killing a bug.
08:43Don't call me names.
08:45Jerp face.
08:46Anything you say, sock breath.
08:47Kids.
08:48I'm going to take you to court.
08:49Yeah?
08:50Yeah!
08:50Yeah!
08:51Hey!
08:53Stop it, you two.
08:55You're behaving like adults.
09:00Shh!
09:01It's starting!
09:03This is the plaintiff, Stephen Q. Hurd.
09:07He claims the defendant crushed his Creosilus spinosis.
09:11He's suing for $486.52, the value of his dead bug.
09:22This is the defendant, Carl Winslow.
09:25He claims, and I quote,
09:27For Pete's sake, it was just a stupid bug.
09:35What you are witnessing is real.
09:37The participants are not actors.
09:40They are ticked off people who can't solve their own problems.
09:44They've agreed to have their disputes settled here, on Citizens Court.
09:54I have read your complaint.
09:57All witnesses have been sworn and are under oath.
10:01Mr. Urkel, could you give us a brief summary of the facts?
10:06Certainly, Your Honor.
10:07I picked up Pablo, brought him to the Winslow's.
10:09He hampscrayed, Carl found him, got his undies in a bundle, freaked out, and bingo.
10:12$486 big ones on the wrong side of his shoe.
10:21Thank you, Mr. Winslow.
10:23Yes, sir.
10:24Uh, at this time, Your Honor, I would like to exercise my right to legal representation.
10:29Your counsel?
10:31My daughter, Laura Winslow.
10:34Oh.
10:40Carl Winslow, of all the legal chicanery,
10:43Why, you're using the woman I love in a shameless attempt to unnerve me.
10:50Nice strategy.
10:54But it won't work.
10:55Laura, my judicial jujube.
10:59Today, my only mistress is the law.
11:02So hang on to your briefs, Mama.
11:05I've inherited the wind.
11:07Oh.
11:08Oh.
11:08Oh.
11:09Oh.
11:10Oh.
11:10Oh.
11:10Oh.
11:11Oh.
11:19Miss Winslow, you may call your first witness.
11:21Thank you, Your Honor.
11:22I'll call Estelle Winslow to the stand.
11:27Allow me.
11:42And now, Mrs. Winslow, you were present in the room when the bug...
11:45Objection.
11:46My bug had a name, Your Honor.
11:48Just a hand.
11:52You were present when the bug, Pablo, stalked and attacked your son, Carl.
11:57Well, it wasn't exactly a stalking.
12:02But he was about to attack.
12:04No, not really.
12:06And may I add, Steve is a fine young man.
12:13Move to strike.
12:14This is a hostile witness.
12:18Hostile witness?
12:19It's your mother.
12:27I guess I have no further questions.
12:29Mr. Urkel, cross the diamond.
12:31Oh, no need, Your Honor.
12:33My work's been done.
12:35You may step down.
12:37The defense calls Harriet Winslow.
12:41Could you please tell us what line of work your husband is in?
12:45He's a police officer.
12:47I see.
12:47And has he ever overreacted or behaved unprofessionally as a police officer?
12:52Never.
12:53In fact, he's been awarded several commendations.
13:02Your witness.
13:10Mrs. Winslow, would you describe your husband, Carl, here as an even-tempered man?
13:16Well, I...
13:17I remind you, you are under oath.
13:20Well, I, uh...
13:21Well, let me ask you this.
13:23Do you have a living room mantle where you keep certain...
13:27a bric-a-brac?
13:31Yes.
13:32Isn't it true that your husband will often fly into an uncontrollable rage and throw?
13:38That bric-a-brac?
13:41No, it isn't.
13:42Isn't it true that porcelain flies in your house so often that your bric-a-bracs are getting frequent flyer
13:48mileage?
13:49No!
13:49Oh, no!
13:50Objection, Your Honor!
13:52You're running away from the party!
13:53Hey, hey, hey!
13:54Hey, hey!
13:55Order!
13:56Order!
13:57Attorney!
13:58Mr. Arkell, you're out of line.
14:02Oh, I withdraw the question, Your Honor.
14:04Nothing further.
14:09All right, young man.
14:11Call your first witness.
14:13Your Honor, I would like to call Waldo Foldo.
14:18Okay, but I'm not home.
14:30Waldo Foldo, come to the witness stand.
14:41State your name.
14:42Illinois.
14:43Illinois.
14:54Now, state your name, not name your state.
15:03Oh, Waldo Foldo, from Illinois.
15:10Now, Mr. Foldo, would you please tell the court your experiences with Pablo?
15:17Pablo was a kind and gentle creature.
15:24When I was with him, I felt, I felt, I felt like I was one with the B-O-sphere.
15:41P-Per-Per-Perhaps.
15:43Perhaps, perhaps, you mean, B-O-sphere?
15:47Okay.
15:48Cool.
15:50Great, nothing further.
15:51Bye.
15:52Not so fast.
15:54Waldo, is there something written on your arm?
15:56Only the stuff Steve told me to say.
16:03Thank you, Waldo.
16:04You may go.
16:05No, thanks.
16:06I went before I left the house.
16:11I meant you may go to your seat.
16:14Oh, cool.
16:21Don't gloat, dreamboat.
16:23That ain't all she wrote.
16:27Your Honor, I would like to call my last witness, Edward Winslow.
16:33Now, Eddie, when you were seven years old, did you have a pet?
16:37Yeah, I had a hamster, Mr. Fluffkins.
16:40Do you remember one day when Mr. Fluffkins got out of his cage?
16:44Uh, yeah.
16:48Um, I was cleaning my room, and I noticed he was gone.
16:53Dad was in the laundry room, and he said he hadn't seen my hamster.
16:58And you believed him.
17:01Well, yeah.
17:02I mean, he's my dad.
17:07Anyway, I started taking clothes out of the dryer, and...
17:12And, um...
17:15And...
17:16And what, Eddie?
17:19There was Mr. Fluffkins stuck in the lid trap!
17:25Was he dead?
17:28Yes.
17:31But he was wrinkle-free in springtime fresh.
17:39Oh, Eddie.
17:42Oh, Eddie.
17:43Now, now, I know the memory still hurts, but I have to ask one more question.
17:49Now, is it possible for an itty-bitty little hamster to get into a tall, big dryer all by himself?
18:00Or wouldn't he need a little... boost?
18:08Order!
18:09What's up?
18:10Order!
18:11One more outburst like that, and I'll clear the courtroom and put on a rerun.
18:20I rest my case, Your Honor.
18:23You may step down.
18:26Mr. Winslow, do you have a closing statement?
18:30Uh, Your Honor, my client would like to speak on his own behalf.
18:42Your Honor.
18:44Ladies and gentlemen...
18:49It was just a stupid bug.
19:02Thank you, Mr. Hercule.
19:10Now, what are we talking about here?
19:13A bug?
19:15Or a friend?
19:19Pablo was my friend.
19:22And Carl Winslow was my friend.
19:25And, well, when Carl squished Pablo...
19:31Oh, he killed two friendships.
19:33But one of those friendships could have been saved.
19:37If Carl here...
19:40Well, it only found it in his heart...
19:43To say I'm sorry.
19:44Oh, no.
19:51I'll be back in a moment with my decision.
19:54Oh, no, I'll be back in a moment with my decision.
19:57Oh, I'll be back in a moment with my decision.
20:14Did I kill our friendship?
20:16Well, it's definitely an intensive care.
20:22Well, I...
20:24I didn't mean for that to happen.
20:27Well, me neither.
20:28But a real friend wouldn't keep referring to Pablo as a stupid bug.
20:33Well, you're right.
20:35If it's important to you, it is not a stupid bug.
20:40So, I guess it's up to me to apologize.
20:46That's all I ever wanted to hear.
20:57Buds again, big guy.
20:59Buds again.
21:00And you know what?
21:01I'll even buy you a new bug.
21:03I know, Carl.
21:04It's too soon.
21:05Oh.
21:18Well, I have, uh, considered this case carefully and I've reached a decision.
21:25Never mind, Your Honor.
21:28Never mind.
21:29No, sir.
21:30We, uh, we've settled it ourselves.
21:32What?
21:35But I'm the judge.
21:37It's what I do.
21:39I judge things.
21:42What, what, would you at least like to hear what I would have said?
21:45No.
21:46No.
21:47Not really.
21:47It's not even necessary.
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