00:20Hi, I'm Carl.
00:27Hello, Richie.
00:30Can I have a doughnut, too?
00:33Doughnut?
00:36Come on, Uncle Carl.
00:38The day you eat oak bran, the day they make me pope.
00:46Sure.
00:47Help yourself.
00:49If you want glaze, they're in the granola box.
00:54Uncle Carl, we sponsored me in a bike-a-thon.
00:57It's for all good cars.
01:00Well, sure.
01:01Oh.
01:03How's, um, five bucks?
01:06How about 500?
01:09Ten dollars.
01:11200.
01:1315.
01:14I won't tell your mother who put the frog in her underwear drawer.
01:18Make it 20, and I won't tell Aunt Harold where you hide the doughnuts.
01:26Deal.
01:27I always enjoy giving to charity.
01:29Well, it's not exactly charity.
01:32Oh?
01:33Well, then what's the good cause?
01:35It's cause I need a new bike.
01:52It's a rare condition, this day and age.
01:56To read any good news on the newspaper page.
02:00The love and tradition of the grand design.
02:03Some people say it's even harder to find.
02:06Well, then there must be some magic clue inside these gentle walls.
02:15Cause all I see is a tower of dreams.
02:18Real love bursting out of every scene.
02:23As days go by, we're gonna fill our house with happiness.
02:30The moon may dry, but we'll smother the blues with tenderness.
02:38As days go by, there's room for you, room for me.
02:44For gentle hearts and opportunity.
02:48As days go by, it's the bigger love of the family.
03:17As days go by, it's the bigger love of the family.
03:19It's the bigger love of the family.
03:20Steve!
03:22Hey, Eddo.
03:23What are you doing skulking behind that door?
03:27Isn't there somebody else you can't annoy?
03:30Sorry, it's your turn.
03:33Hey, want to join me in a little hoop de jure?
03:37Can't, dude.
03:39Well, why not?
03:40It would hurt my reputation.
03:43As a starting forward on the school team,
03:45it's my duty to play round ball, not nerd ball.
03:51But I've been practicing, and my progress is impressive,
03:54even if I do say so myself.
03:57And since no one will play with me, I have to say so myself.
04:02I'll just take your word for it.
04:03Oh, but you won't have to.
04:05You'll see me in action when I try out for the school team.
04:08What?
04:12Steve, that's a big mistake.
04:14You'll never make the team.
04:15But, Eddie, I'm good.
04:20Hey, big guy.
04:22Don't start with me, Steve. I am not in the mood for you.
04:27Ah, cranky.
04:28Perhaps you need to visit old Mr. Laxative.
04:35What I need is a new boss.
04:38Lieutenant Murtaugh is driving me nuts.
04:40He talked me into carpooling.
04:42He said it would save us money.
04:45Well, it would.
04:46But he always comes up with some lame excuse,
04:49and I have to drive.
04:50So far, the only money we've been saving is Murtaugh's.
04:53But what's his excuse today?
04:56He can't shift because he got his sleeve caught in his electric tie rack,
05:00and he almost slapped himself to death.
05:03Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.
05:07Hey, don't scoff.
05:09Freak accidents do happen.
05:11Don't I know it?
05:14I've got an Uncle Dirk Urkel,
05:16who was blessed with a two-foot-long nose hair.
05:25Well, he got it trapped in the rear door of a Buick
05:29and was dragged eight and a half blocks.
05:50Hi, everybody.
05:51Hi, sugar.
05:52Hi, sweetie.
05:58Am I old enough to see that?
06:01I don't think I'm old enough to see that.
06:05Ma, I need you to sign this permission slip.
06:07I want to be a cheerleader.
06:09Now, Ma, I know what you're thinking.
06:11I mean, all the other cheerleaders are juniors and seniors,
06:13and I'm just a freshman, but...
06:15Oh, Laura, please, honey.
06:16You're a shoo-in.
06:17I mean, after all, you are my niece,
06:19and that means cheerleading is in your blood.
06:22Tell me more.
06:24Don't worry.
06:25She will.
06:27I was so gifted that when I graduated,
06:30they retired my pom-poms.
06:34They had to.
06:35They were starting to sing.
06:42Excuse me.
06:45Laura, if you don't make the cheerleading squad,
06:48you're gonna end up crying yourself to sleep
06:51night after end of night.
06:52But, Ma, you don't have to worry about me.
06:54I don't.
06:55How come?
06:56Because I tried out this afternoon,
06:58and I made it!
06:59Yes!
07:00Ready!
07:01Ready!
07:04One, two, three, four.
07:08One, two, three, four.
07:12All right.
07:13One, two, four.
07:17One, two, four.
07:20One, two, three, four.
07:22One, two, three, four.
07:30Listen up, gentlemen.
07:31Listen up.
07:32Yo!
07:35Now I ask you,
07:36what is a muskrat?
07:38A large aquatic rodent.
07:42Well, yeah.
07:45But what is a Vanderbilt muskrat?
07:47A physically overdeveloped,
07:49mentally deficient high school student.
07:55What's your name?
07:56Urkel, sir.
07:57Stephen Q.
07:58What kind of name is Urkel, sir?
07:59Stephen Q.
08:01Dutch?
08:05Uh, yeah.
08:07Well, relax.
08:08Don't try so hard.
08:09Yes, sir.
08:11All right.
08:11Let's see what you kids can do.
08:18Uh, coach.
08:19What do you want?
08:20Well, I've never tried out
08:22our athletics before.
08:23And the equipment list said
08:25that every guy should wear a cup.
08:26That's right.
08:27Well, I didn't have one.
08:28So is it all right with you?
08:30I'm wearing a Bart Simpson tomorrow.
08:41My turn, guys.
08:42Guys, guys.
08:43Right here.
08:43Over here.
08:44I'm open, guys.
08:45Guys.
08:46Hey!
08:59Would somebody pass me the ball?
09:21All right.
09:24First thing tomorrow morning,
09:25check the bulletin board
09:26and find out if you're a muskrat.
09:29All right.
09:30Uh, coach.
09:32Coach.
09:33Ah, the Dutchman.
09:36What's the matter?
09:37Did you break your mug?
09:40No, it's just that
09:41no one would pass me the ball.
09:43And I mean,
09:43I'm really, really good.
09:46Look, kid.
09:48You're not a basketball player.
09:50Well, why not?
09:52In short, you're short.
09:55No.
09:56But you do have spunk.
09:58And that's one of the two
09:59main ingredients
10:00for a good equipment manager.
10:02Oh, and what's the other
10:04main ingredient?
10:05A high humiliation tolerance.
10:08Listen up, men.
10:09Say hello
10:10to our new equipment manager.
10:27Ready?
10:28Okay.
10:30Be, face, bone, tilt.
10:34We can lose
10:35their fans are built.
10:45I wrote that cheer in 1947, and it still makes me want to shake my booty.
10:55Oh, Miss Gherkin, you crack me up.
11:00And Cassie Lynn, you're doing a wonderful job with the girls.
11:04Thank you, Miss Gherkin.
11:05I do try to keep the girls on their toes.
11:08Well, it shows, Cassie Lynn.
11:11Miss Gherkin, I made up some new cheers. Can I show them to you?
11:15Laura, you can show them to me.
11:17Miss Gherkin is far too busy to listen to your little cheers.
11:21Oh, yes, dear. Show them to Cassie.
11:27Hey, listen, freshman. Don't you ever do that again.
11:31What?
11:32What? I'm the captain of this squad. I decide what cheers we do.
11:37I know, but don't you think our cheers are a little old-fashioned?
11:40Oh, and you think you're so hip, you little geek?
11:46I was just thinking we could try something new.
11:48And by the way, if you ever call me geek again, you'll be digesting those pom-poms.
11:57What a thug.
12:01Come on, girls.
12:05Hey, if anybody wants to go to Rachel's place, it's my tree.
12:10Girls, girls.
12:12She's a freshman.
12:17Sorry, Laura.
12:30Hello, Steve?
12:33Yes, I actually called you.
12:36Steve, Steve, stop cheering.
12:41I got a problem, and believe it or not, the only person who might understand is you.
12:46I'm almost tempted to ask you to come over so I can talk to you about it.
12:54Hi, Baby Gates.
13:01What's with the apron?
13:02Oh, I was washing the basketball team's uniforms.
13:06You have to do the team's laundry?
13:08Affirmative.
13:09They have to be static-free and squeaky clean for the big game tomorrow against Willow Glen.
13:14Oh.
13:15Steve, sit down. There's something I want to talk to you about.
13:19You mean you really do want to talk to me?
13:30I'm all ears, little lady.
13:36Okay, here goes.
13:39Well, wouldn't you say I've been...
13:42popular, I guess?
13:44Part of the in crowd?
13:45Oh, yes, absolutely.
13:48Well, I'm not popular with the cheerleaders.
13:50They treat me like dirt just because I'm a freshman.
13:52I mean, they're mean to me. They make fun of me.
13:56They...
13:58They...
13:59They treat you the way people treat me?
14:03Yeah.
14:05How do you stand it, Steve?
14:08Well, I just don't let it bother me.
14:11You mean like laughing on the outside while you're crying on the inside?
14:14No way.
14:16Well, if you cry on the inside, sooner or later your inside's mildew.
14:22Then how do you hide the hurt?
14:24You don't.
14:25Well, I've learned that if you fill your heart with hope, there won't be any room for hurt.
14:32Look, I tried out for the basketball team and I ended up being equipment manager.
14:36But do you see me sulking and moaning?
14:40No.
14:41Of course not. I do that in private.
14:48I've decided to be the best darn equipment manager that's ever managed equipment.
14:53And maybe next year I'll make the team.
14:57Yeah.
14:58I'll try to be the best cheerleader possible.
15:00And maybe next year they'll let me show them my new cheers.
15:03And away, Laura.
15:05You know, I actually feel better.
15:10Now, Steve, I'm going to tell you something.
15:14But I don't want you to over-exaggerate its importance or read more into it than really is there.
15:20Oh, don't worry. I won't.
15:24Thanks for the talk.
15:26You love me, don't you?
15:38Let's go.
15:52Come on in, come on in!
16:11Come on, guys. Let's support our team.
16:13We're cheerleaders, remember?
16:14Oh, shut up.
16:17I only cheer at sporting events.
16:20This is a bloodbath.
16:33Lieutenant, what are you doing here?
16:37Rooting for my old alma mater, Willow Glen.
16:40What you get your letter for, home ec?
16:44Football, sir, all conference.
16:47I figured your school must be good at cooking.
16:49They're certainly not good at basketball.
16:51The game's not over yet, sir.
17:05I gotcha.
17:10Down eight, go in for Sanders.
17:16Mom, are you running out of players?
17:18We sure are, honey.
17:20Every time the crowd goes awed, we lose another guy.
17:23Yep.
17:24If the crowd goes awed one more time, we're gonna have to forfeit the game.
17:33Pedal up.
17:34Pedal up.
17:34Come on, come on.
17:35Sit him down on the floor.
17:36Sit him down.
17:36Sit him down.
17:37Sit him down.
17:37Well, men, we made a valiant effort, but it looks like Willow Glen has found our one-week spot.
17:46What's that, coach?
17:47Basketball.
17:50We only have four players who aren't injured, so I'll tell the ref we're throwing in the towel.
17:55Wait, coach.
17:56Put me in.
17:57What?
17:59Have you been sniffing liniment?
18:02No, coach.
18:03Really, I'm good.
18:04Urkel, you're not going in.
18:07Coach, if you forfeit the game, they might fire you.
18:12Urkel, you're going in.
18:25They're sending Steven to the game.
18:27They're sending in that Urkel kid.
18:29What?
18:31We've got cheerleaders taller than him.
18:44We've got cheerleaders taller than him.
19:16Give me a B.
19:17B.
19:18You got your B.
19:19You got your B.
19:20Give me a H.
19:21H.
19:21You got your H.
19:22You got your H.
19:23Give me a S.
19:24H.
19:24You got your S.
19:25You got your S.
19:26Now, hush.
19:27You don't want none of us.
19:29Do y'all?
19:30Do y'all?
19:31Do y'all?
19:32Do y'all?
19:33Do y'all?
19:34Do y'all?
19:34No, I don't think so.
19:36Do y'all?
19:43Do y'all?
19:45Do y'all?
19:52Do y'all?
19:55Do y'all?
19:57Do y'all?
19:57Do y'all?
19:59Do y'all?
19:59Do y'all?
20:00Do y'all?
20:01Do y'all?
20:01Do y'all?
20:01Do y'all?
20:02Do y'all?
20:03Do y'all?
20:03Do y'all?
20:04Do y'all?
20:04Do y'all?
20:05Do y'all?
20:05Do y'all?
20:05Do y'all?
20:06Do y'all?
20:12B, you got your B, you got your B
20:14Give me an H
20:15H, you got your A, you got your X
20:18Give me an S
20:19S, you got your X, you got your S
20:21Now hush, you don't want none of us
20:24Do ya, do ya, do ya, do ya, do ya, do ya, do ya
20:30No, I don't think so
20:38No, I don't think so
21:35No, I don't think so
21:47See if you are right, anything's possible
21:49Will you marry me?
21:50Accept that
22:21No, I don't think so
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