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00:27So what do you want to do for Thanksgiving?
00:29this year? Well we can invite everybody over here. Uh-huh. Or we can peel off our skin and jump
00:38into the Great Salt Lake. Interesting. Oh, or we could drill holes in our head and fill our skulls with
00:45hungry weasels. Boy, that's a toughie. I love the Great Salt Lake, but that's traveling on a holiday. Okay, you
00:56round up the drill, I'll get the weasels.
00:59I love the Great Salt Lake.
01:29Six? Why would we be six? Because I invited our folks to join us. No, really, why six? Well, if
01:36we're not going to have a big family Thanksgiving, I thought we should break the news to them in a
01:39public place so there won't be a loud, ugly scene.
01:42Dharma, you planned this whole thing and then sprung it on me? I don't believe it. Yes, but see how
01:47quietly you don't believe it? Works pretty good, huh?
01:49Yeah, but that's not the point. It is the point. All right, let's see your point.
01:57Uh, yeah, listen, you know, as long as we're here, um, you know that picture I kind of took of
02:02you in the shower?
02:03Uh-huh.
02:04Well, I kind of accidentally left it at Jane's.
02:06Dharma!
02:09Uh-huh.
02:11Then she kind of put it on the Internet.
02:18Anything else?
02:19You've got mail.
02:24So, the problem is that I cannot get my orchids to bloom.
02:27Um, hey, I'd be happy to bring over a couple of old grow lights and see if we can't get
02:31you back in business.
02:32Oh, you think that would help?
02:34Oh, trust Larry, he can grow anything, anywhere.
02:37Ah, well, I would really appreciate that, Larry.
02:41Never figured you for the outdoorsy green thumb type, Finkelstein.
02:44No, no, it's strictly indoorsy.
02:46You don't want your orchids growing someplace where they can be spotted by helicopters.
02:52Can I have everyone's attention, please?
02:55Oh, no, I just meant this table right here, but thank you, I appreciate that.
02:59Um, I gathered you all here tonight so we could talk about Thanksgiving.
03:02Thanksgiving?
03:03Oh, I remember one time in Vietnam, me and a bunch of the fellas had a hell of a Thanksgiving
03:08dinner.
03:08It wasn't turkey, but we agreed that it was meat, and we were very grateful for it.
03:14That's a great story, Dad, but I think Dharma wanted to say something.
03:18Sure.
03:19Chewy, but tasty.
03:22Well, Greg and I had a very long talk, and we decided that after last year's incident,
03:29we thought it might be, what was that word you used, honey?
03:31Prudent.
03:32Yeah, prudent.
03:33It might be prudent if this year we had separate Thanksgivings.
03:39We're not going to be together?
03:40In spirit, but physically, we'll be as far apart from each other as we can possibly get.
03:45Dharma and I are going to be serving meals at a senior citizen center.
03:49I thought last Thanksgiving went fairly well.
03:52Well, I had a good time.
03:54Larry, does this remind you of anything?
04:00Sorry.
04:02But Dharma, we're your tribe.
04:04We should celebrate by taking a meal together.
04:07I don't see what the problem is.
04:08We're all getting along together now.
04:10Yeah, we're copacetic.
04:12Well, fine.
04:13Why don't we just say that this is our Thanksgiving dinner?
04:15Right here, right now.
04:17Happy Thanksgiving.
04:17Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.
04:19Well, Lord knows we have done our part to make the holidays pleasant.
04:23Are you saying we don't?
04:25You came to last Thanksgiving dressed as Indians.
04:28We came as Native Americans.
04:30Indians are from India.
04:32Those are Indians.
04:33We're talking about Injins.
04:34Oh, that is so derogatory.
04:36I can't believe I speak instantaneous.
04:38You will believe it when he picks up the check.
04:40I volunteered to pick up this check, but forget it now.
04:43I suppose that makes you a Native American giver, right?
04:48The European settlers were the real Indian givers.
04:51Oh, good.
04:51Oh, good.
04:52What about the show?
04:53Oh, good.
04:55Okay.
04:56Oh, well, you know what?
04:56Let me ask Greg, and I'll call you right back.
04:58Okay, bye.
04:59Ask me what?
05:00Well, Jane invited us to drop by on Thanksgiving and watch a little football.
05:04What about the Senior Center?
05:05Well, we don't have to be there till 1, so we could, you know, drop in and watch a little
05:10football and leave when Pete draws that face on his belly and does Whistling Norman.
05:20Hi.
05:21Guess what I brought you?
05:22I'm gonna have to go with a pumpkin.
05:26It's my pumpkin pumpkin.
05:29Thank you, Abby.
05:30Oh, Greg, look, she brought pumpkin Ralph.
05:33I was right.
05:33It's a pumpkin.
05:35Greg, when I was little, I ate a handful of raw pumpkin, and I puked it up in the backyard.
05:40And from that vomit, a beautiful vine arose.
05:45And every year, we harvest the pumpkin, we make a pie, and save the seeds for spring planting.
05:51This little fella is a direct descendant of the pumpkin I threw up when I was four.
05:59I wrote a children's book based on it, but the publisher didn't like some of the illustrations.
06:04Were they the ones with the little girl barfing in the garden?
06:08They didn't say.
06:09They just sent me a form letter.
06:12Dharma, anyway, since this is the first Thanksgiving that we're not gonna spend together, I wanted
06:18you to have pumpkin Ralph.
06:20Oh, thanks, Ab.
06:22If you make a pie, save a piece for me.
06:24You can have my piece.
06:29Well, okay.
06:30Have a good Thanksgiving.
06:33I'll see you...
06:36after.
06:37Abby, hold on.
06:38Why don't we swing by your parents' house on the way to the senior center?
06:42I thought we had a plan.
06:43I know, but we can stop for a slice of vomit pie, and everybody will be...
06:49Are you sure?
06:49What's the harm?
06:51You are so wonderful.
06:52Tell you what, Abby.
06:53I'll make a pie, and I'll bring it by Thursday afternoon.
06:55Oh, dear!
06:58I'm so happy.
07:00I know.
07:00So am I.
07:01Good.
07:01Then I'll see you then.
07:02Okay.
07:03Okay, remember to save the seeds for spring planting.
07:05You got it.
07:05Your corn is looking great this morning.
07:09Excellent!
07:16You should see that children's foot.
07:25Hey, Seal, is my dad ready?
07:27He'll be right down.
07:29Listen.
07:30Before you leave for the golf,
07:32I want to thank you, Mrs. Darma,
07:35for canceling Thanksgiving.
07:36I don't think I can go through another one.
07:39I know how you feel.
07:41I don't think you do.
07:42My HMO says I have post-traumatic stress disorder.
07:48Sorry.
07:50Anyways, I am making this big Thanksgiving dinner for my mother.
07:54It's her first trip to America.
07:57And I was wondering if maybe you and Mrs. Darma can stop by.
08:01I don't know.
08:02We've already made plans.
08:05Oh, that's a shame.
08:08I have been telling her about you ever since you were a little boy.
08:12I'm sorry.
08:13I wish we could.
08:16You are like a grandson to her.
08:19She has your picture in her kitchen.
08:24Well, I suppose we could find a few minutes to stop by.
08:28Wonderful.
08:29Yeah, it might be late.
08:31That's okay.
08:32See you at Thanksgiving.
08:34Hang on.
08:36You're going to Cilia's for Thanksgiving?
08:37We're going to drop in for a few minutes.
08:40Boy, your mother's going to be furious
08:41when she finds out you're spending Thanksgiving
08:43with the maid's family and not your own.
08:45How's she going to find out?
08:46Oh, she'll get it out of me.
08:47I'll have a few drinks.
08:48She'll ask how it was golf.
08:50And I'll say,
08:51Greg's eating turkey at the maid's.
08:57So, I told my dad we'd stop by for a drink.
09:00I didn't see any way out of it.
09:02Okay, okay.
09:03We can figure this out.
09:04Well, we have to go to Pete and James.
09:06Okay.
09:07So, we'll go to Pete and James first.
09:11Knock back some cold ones,
09:12a little football, bam, we're out the door.
09:14What about your mother?
09:15Okay.
09:15So, then we run back up here,
09:17get a little Ralphie pie out of the oven,
09:19drive over to Abby and Larry's.
09:21Hey, here's dessert.
09:22Nice to see you.
09:23Gotta go.
09:23So far, so good.
09:24Okay.
09:24Then, we go over to the senior center
09:26where we feed people who are truly thankful.
09:29And then, for a study in contrast,
09:31we zip over to your folks for a little drinky-winky.
09:35My mother takes a cheap shot.
09:36You laugh it off.
09:38Bang, bang, boom.
09:39We're back in the car,
09:40and we're over to Celia's.
09:42Hola, ¿cómo está?
09:43Gracias, adios.
09:45And then, we are back here faster than you can say.
09:48Why did we just have the damn Thanksgiving dinner
09:49with everybody in the first place?
09:51Sounds like a plan to me.
09:53Good.
09:53It's because it's the only one we've got.
09:59Good morning.
09:59Good morning.
10:01Smells good.
10:02What are you cooking?
10:03Sweet potato pancakes, turkey sausage,
10:04and cranberry muffins.
10:05Happy Thanksgiving.
10:06Happy Thanksgiving.
10:07Why did you make such a big breakfast?
10:09Well, the way I see it,
10:10this might be our last chance to eat today.
10:12How do you figure?
10:13Well, we'll be lucky to get cheese doodles
10:15at Pete and Jane's.
10:17And then we go to Abby and Larry's
10:19for a little, uh,
10:21vomit pie and pilgrim bashing.
10:25And at the shelter, we're working.
10:27And then Kitty and Edward's
10:29for drinks and Dharma bashing.
10:32And then Celia's for coffee and kitty bashing,
10:35and that's Thanksgiving.
10:36I know, you're right.
10:37Load me up.
10:39You will thank me.
10:43Hey, how are you Thanksgiving?
10:47Hey, guys.
10:48Come on in.
10:49Couple brewskis for the newskis.
10:51Yeah?
10:52Hey, Greg, look, cheese doodles.
10:54Now, don't fill up on hors d'oeuvres.
10:55We got real food this year.
10:57Oh, that's okay.
10:58We had a big breakfast.
10:59We're fine.
11:00You sure you don't want to reconsider?
11:03Oh!
11:04What's all this?
11:06You remember that mob case
11:08we were prosecuting,
11:08the whole Rico thing
11:09where they're laundering money
11:10through a chain of restaurants?
11:11Yeah, I remember.
11:12Open and shut case.
11:13You see, everybody says that,
11:14and I don't appreciate it.
11:17Pete, you lost that case?
11:19Not on purpose.
11:21Honest to God.
11:23Anyway, Thanksgiving dinner
11:24is courtesy of Uncle Tony's
11:25family-style restaurants.
11:28Oh, wow.
11:30This is incredible.
11:31It's so moist.
11:32I tented it.
11:36Oh, wow.
11:38That's incredible.
11:40Just a little something
11:41from Uncle Tony.
11:43Our family's got a lot
11:44to be thankful for.
11:46I swear, I tried as hard
11:47as I could to get conviction.
11:49I'm sure you did, baby.
11:53We love this guy.
11:59Oh, that was the best meal
12:00I've ever had in my entire life.
12:02Did you try the sausage stuffing?
12:05Are you kidding?
12:05I was pulling it out of the bird
12:07with my hands.
12:12I asked the guy for the recipe,
12:13but he said if he told me,
12:15he'd have to whack me.
12:19So, did you get it?
12:24Oh, look at the time.
12:25We have to grab the pie
12:27and get to your parents.
12:28Oh, you're right.
12:28We gotta go.
12:31Want me to help you up?
12:32Please.
12:36Get up!
12:39Hey, guys,
12:40we brought Pumpkin Ralph!
12:44What's wrong?
12:46Oh, darling!
12:48In my far,
12:50we cannot thank you for doing that!
12:55No, Abby,
12:56that is not true.
12:58It's wrong with Abby.
12:59She's very upset
13:01and she's crying.
13:06She thinks it's her fault
13:08that we cancel Thanksgiving dinner.
13:10I'm a bit...
13:11I'm a bit...
13:12I'm a bit...
13:14I'm a bit...
13:15because you're a miniature veterinarian.
13:19Melitid vegetarian.
13:22No, I can't.
13:23I can't.
13:25I can't.
13:26I can't.
13:27I can't.
13:27I can't.
13:28I can't.
13:31I can't.
13:32I can't.
13:33I can't.
13:37What is going on?
13:39We're having real turkey, not tofu.
13:44And it's sad.
13:49Greg, apparently Abby bought a live turkey,
13:52got it drunk and killed it herself
13:54so that you and I could have a traditional Thanksgiving dinner.
13:57Why did she get it drunk?
14:00Don't pay!
14:06Who gave him a choice of painkillers?
14:08He picked brandy. Go figure.
14:12Well, honey, it looks like you and I
14:14are going to have a traditional Thanksgiving dinner.
14:18Oh, Donna, I'm stuffed.
14:21Fine, you tell her you don't want to eat it.
14:25I'm sorry.
14:27If you'd had children, you would understand.
14:31Oh, God, I bet you had children.
14:37Oh, boy, it sure looks good.
14:40Thank you, Abby. We're starving.
14:43We also have spinach and beans and sweet potatoes.
14:47And next year, they'll all be growing in the backyard.
14:56Oh, I can't even look at this turkey.
14:59Uh, try looking at the candy gems and stuff.
15:00Oh, sweet. Soap on a rope.
15:04Happy Thanksgiving.
15:14Hey, Dharma, did I ever thank you for breakfast?
15:16Bite me, fatso.
15:19Sally, Jim.
15:20I'm sorry?
15:21Oh, look, it's my children, Sally and Jim.
15:24Come to visit me.
15:26No, I'm Dharma. This is my husband, Greg.
15:28You see, I told you they'd come spend Thanksgiving with me.
15:31I think you're a little confused.
15:33I've missed you so much.
15:35Now, how was the drive from Boston?
15:37I don't understand.
15:38Jim, my mother is very happy to see us.
15:41Tell her how the drive from Boston was.
15:45Long.
15:48Look how skinny the two of you got.
15:51You should have seen us this morning.
15:55Well, you come sit and eat with me.
15:57Oh, Mom, we ate before we left Boston.
16:00We're full of chowder, Mom.
16:01Oh, yeah, and baked beans.
16:03Well, it's nice.
16:04Now, what kind of Thanksgiving dinner is that?
16:05Now, you get yourself some turkey and stuffing
16:08and some of the candied yams
16:10and come join your mama.
16:14Dharma, I can't eat another pint.
16:15You said my children had just left me here to rot.
16:22We'll be right there, Mom.
16:25Pile it in, Jim.
16:26It's a long drive back to Boston.
16:31Dharma.
16:37I'm having trouble breathing.
16:39You're losing your belt.
16:41Why?
16:41I took my pants off five miles ago.
16:45Pass them back here.
16:46Maybe I can squeeze into them.
16:50I doubt it.
16:56We're here.
16:57Oh, Greg, I don't think I can do this.
16:59We're not going to eat.
17:00It's just one little drink.
17:03Okay.
17:04Put the top down, flip the car over,
17:06because that's the only way you're getting me out of here.
17:19My mother cooked.
17:23In what universe does my mother cook?
17:26How is the turkey?
17:35Well done, Mother.
17:38Very well done.
17:42Well, nobody seems to be eating very much.
17:45It just tastes so good, I hate to swallow it.
17:49What possessed you to cook dinner?
17:51Or who?
17:54Frankly, we have Dharma to thank for this.
17:56What? Me? No. Why?
17:58Now, you pointed out that we have forgotten the true meaning of Thanksgiving,
18:01and I just thought to myself,
18:03for once in his life,
18:05my son should have a meal cooked entirely by his very own mother.
18:10And would you believe this is the first meal that I have cooked by myself in 15 years?
18:16Yeah.
18:16Oh, yeah.
18:16Oh, yeah.
18:20Do you know what that is?
18:22The kitchen timer.
18:24Very handy.
18:33It's just so dry.
18:35Here, son, let me get you a little something closer to the bone.
18:39It's still frozen.
18:46Soup's okay.
18:47Oh, that's the mashed potatoes.
18:49It's also your best bet.
18:52Oh, I almost forgot the yams.
18:55Then, what the hell is this?
19:04Oh, Celia, I thank you so much for holding dinner for us,
19:08but I have to be honest.
19:10We have already eaten so much today.
19:12I just don't think we can eat another bite.
19:15Right, Greg?
19:18This is wonderful.
19:20That's okay.
19:21We're just honored that you're here helping us celebrate our first American Thanksgiving
19:27in real American style.
19:30I don't know why we're celebrating a American holiday.
19:34We're living in a American country.
19:38How do you dare insult me in front of the guests?
19:41The guests!
19:42You are my guests!
19:43And I hope you can behave.
19:45Maria!
19:46Excuse me, okay?
19:49You think maybe it's us?
19:50Yo!
19:50Yo!
19:50Yo!
19:50Yo!
19:50Yo!
19:50Yo!
19:50Yo!
19:50Yo!
19:52Yo!
19:56You think maybe it's us?
19:59Yo!
19:59Yo!
19:59Yo!
19:59Yo!
20:02Yo!
20:04Yo!
20:07Yo!
20:08Yo!
20:13Yo!
20:16Yo!
20:18Yo!
20:19Yo!
20:19Yo!
20:21Yo!
20:21Yo!
20:22Yo!
20:36Yo!
20:38Yo!
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