- 17 hours ago
Seasonal special from 1993 as Hyacinth Bucket boards the QE2 for an exclusive cruise. Alas the seating plan for the Captain's table is not what she had in mind.
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00:40Come on, Michael. Come on, you're getting a thing about this. Just get in and out and away before she
00:45even knows we're there.
00:46Come on.
01:10Ah! I thought I heard the postman.
01:16How? I would like to know how.
01:19Are you my regular postman? The one with the twitch?
01:24I never used to have a twitch.
01:26You all look alike from behind. I suppose it's the sorting office that does it.
01:33Oh, yes, I recognise the haunted look.
01:37Are you having personal difficulties?
01:40Your marriage not working?
01:43Have you tried singing together? Not enough people sing together.
01:49Surprise her tonight with a little Ivor Novello.
01:54Dear me, is that the time?
02:00Can you remind your superiors that for the next few days, all my mail should be redirected to the QE2?
02:06The QE2?
02:08I don't think it's...
02:09They have been informed in writing, of course, but I'd be pleased if you'd give them a little reminder.
02:14But we really can't.
02:15The QE2, my husband and I, a little cruise.
02:20Right, Mrs. Bucket...
02:26Our morning post.
02:31You will remember the name of the ship we're cruising on.
02:35In an outer cabin with full facilities and panorama queues.
02:39The QE2!
02:43That's so loud!
02:45Good heavens, people think I'm trying to broadcast it.
03:02Oh, I've had a terrible night.
03:08I know. I was there.
03:12I blame them crisps.
03:15Egg roll and dumpling flavour.
03:19It's not natural.
03:21It was all we had.
03:24I was dreaming about black holes.
03:27You look up at the sky and you think, that's nice.
03:31Little do you realise it's full of black holes.
03:35They can suck you in.
03:37Compress all your matter.
03:40It could do with a bit.
03:43Oh, nice.
03:45Look, if it's going to upset you, you have to stop watching Open University.
03:52I think father's dead.
03:55No, he isn't.
03:56He just goes like that.
03:58Oh, great.
03:59I'm awake all night and your father sleeps like he's dead.
04:02Well, I would have liked a second opinion.
04:06Well, somebody ought to come and see if he's dead.
04:09He's not usually dead.
04:12Is there anybody coming?
04:16Well, don't look at me.
04:17He's your father.
04:19Besides, somebody has to think of the philosophical implications of a universe full of black holes.
04:27Well, why can't I speak with your editor?
04:30I suppose he's too busy with sex and violence.
04:35Look, I have an interesting news item for him.
04:40News or features?
04:41Well, I suppose it's a little bit of both, really.
04:45Yes, I expect the headline to read something like
04:48Local Celebrity on QE2 Cruise.
04:54Well, if you say it's features, I suppose it's features.
04:57Yes.
04:58Personally, I should have thought there was a little news value there as well.
05:02Though I realise it's not quite as earth-shattering as if one were being launched into outer space.
05:08What do you mean, what, local celebrity?
05:11Myself, of course.
05:13If you care to make enquiries,
05:16you'll find that I am famous locally for my candlelight suppers.
05:21I have a son at university with a brilliant future
05:24and my programme of sung highlights from Rosemary
05:27never fails to bring the over-sixties to their feet.
05:31So how much more do you want?
05:33Hmm?
05:35If I were the victim of gross indecency,
05:37you'd have been round here quicker than a split infinitive.
05:43Illiterate hack.
05:47It's all right.
05:48Father's not dead.
05:50I told you he wasn't dead.
05:53I know about dead.
05:56When you live with Onslow, you get a very good feeling of dead.
06:00Oh, nice.
06:04Anyway, what makes you so sure he isn't dead?
06:06No, because he's been asking for bacon, eggs, sausage and fried bread.
06:11Could be he's bluffing.
06:15That's what we had for breakfast on our honeymoon.
06:21That's what you had.
06:23I needed a lie-in.
06:26It's time you two were up.
06:28You promised to go and do Bruce's drains.
06:31I didn't mean at the crack of dawn.
06:34Drains are something you have to come up on gradually.
06:38He has the same attitude these days to his love life.
06:43Don't you, my darling?
06:46Listen, I can't stay here playing about.
06:48I've got a seat of Bruce's drains.
06:53That's when you really know you're married.
06:56When you start coming in second to drains.
07:07Now, Richard, I want you to make sure that all the porters take particular care of my set of matching
07:14executive luggage with the genuine leather embellishments and initials.
07:17Do we really need all these suitcases?
07:22I will not be outdressed by the other passengers.
07:25No, people on these luxury liners do not skimp on luggage.
07:30We're in no danger of a skimp.
07:32Oh, Richard.
07:33It's been my dream to cruise on a wonderful ship.
07:37Do you remember those newsreels of the Hollywood stars arriving at Southampton in furs and mountains of luggage?
07:47Oh, I'll answer that.
07:49It may be the captain wanting to welcome us aboard.
07:53Do they do that?
07:55Well, not to everyone, dear.
07:57He hasn't the time.
08:02The McKay residence, the lady of the house speaking.
08:07Sheridan!
08:09What a lovely surprise, dear.
08:13I thought it might be the captain of the QE2.
08:17We're going to need all our spare cash.
08:20I wanted to speak to you, Sheridan, dear, before we depart, in case Mummy sinks.
08:28Well, I want you to be very stern with the air-sea rescue people.
08:33Oh, yes.
08:34Make it clear to them, dear, what a loss I would be to the cultural life of the community.
08:39Hmm.
08:40And tell them if I'm cast adrift at night, I shall be wearing my hat with the antique Diamante cluster.
08:47So, I shall sparkle quite brilliantly in their searchlights.
08:53Yes.
08:54But if I have to be winched up by helicopter, please, would they provide trousers?
09:03Do you think she's really safe?
09:06Who?
09:07The QE2.
09:11Yes, well, of course she's safe.
09:13I should think she's probably one of the safest vessels afloat.
09:17Yes, I suppose so.
09:21Found to be really.
09:24Emmett?
09:26You're not seriously contemplating her sinking?
09:32No, no, no, no, no.
09:34Not really sinking.
09:37Maybe the odd female passenger lost overboard.
09:41Emmett.
09:42I mean, with a life jacket and everything, and an uninhabited island waiting for her.
09:48Of course I'd hope that she'd be picked up safely.
09:53But in about 20 years' time...
10:00I wish I could afford a new car.
10:03I wish we could afford this one.
10:09We should have told our house since we were going.
10:12I thought we decided we wouldn't.
10:14You decided we wouldn't.
10:17I'm the breadwinner.
10:18I have to make these executive decisions.
10:22She's family.
10:23You can't just pretend she's not there.
10:27I always think it's worth a try.
10:31Anyway, she can't complain.
10:33I mean, we've left father in good hands.
10:36You think she'll really think our rose qualifies as good hands?
10:40All right.
10:41We've left your father in good legs.
10:46I'm slow.
10:49Do you think this little holiday will bring us closer together?
10:56How close do you want to get?
10:58When I did Bruce's drains yesterday, I let you help me with the rods, didn't I?
11:03When I said we ought to do things together more, I didn't mean drains.
11:09Daisy, we've had our differences.
11:11But when you get right down to it, there isn't anyone I'd rather have helping me with the drains.
11:18That's sweet.
11:20I think that's really sweet.
11:23You always were a smooth talker when you wanted to be.
11:37Travelling light, Richard.
11:39I told her it's too much.
11:43Damn good job you're not going by air.
11:46By air?
11:47I'm beginning to wonder if the ship's big enough.
11:51I do hope you have a splendid time, Richard.
11:54Thanks, Liz.
11:56Ready for the off?
11:58She's almost ready.
12:00She's taking endless trouble.
12:01She remembers the newsreels of how people used to dress for luxury liners.
12:14You look like a film star.
12:18Oh, thank you, dear.
12:21It's probably just a coincidence.
12:27Goodbye, my dear friends.
12:30Emmett, be brave.
12:32I shall return.
12:37Oh, dear.
12:38I do fluster him so.
12:39I believe I disturb him very powerfully.
12:53Oh, I'm in holiday mood already, Richard.
12:56We're going to enjoy a few days of high-class luxury at sea.
13:01Our fellow passengers hand-picked from Tabret.
13:06We shall drive to Southampton, and then we'll be piped aboard.
13:12I wouldn't bank on the piping bit.
13:14Hmm?
13:16Oh, well, perhaps not, dear.
13:18They'll probably be too busy bedecking our cabin.
13:22Oh, the joys of the open road.
13:33What's going on?
13:35It's something called a traffic jam.
13:38No need to take that toll, Richard.
13:41After all, we are on holiday.
13:44I'm sorry.
13:46It's all right, dear.
13:48It's probably roadworks.
13:50On a Saturday?
13:52Oh, well, I suppose some people work at the weekend.
13:56By the way, I've been meaning to ask you.
13:59Well, we've nothing else to do at the moment, Richard.
14:01I am a captive audience, so ask me anything you like.
14:06Do you think your father's starting to lurk in the bushes again?
14:12Oh, this is ridiculous.
14:18Look, take that next turning.
14:21But if we do that, we don't know where we'll finish up.
14:23I'll work out a route, dear.
14:25Leave it to me.
14:51Are you sure this is the right way?
14:53Have faith, Richard.
14:55We'll be there in no time.
15:07Oh, come on.
15:10How can they say it's quicker by train?
15:18Boys!
15:19Boys!
15:19Boys!
15:30Are you sure this is the right way?
15:32Well, yes, of course I am, dear.
15:35Wait a minute.
15:37We're in Surrey now, and we're going down to Hampshire.
15:39Yes, that's right.
15:41But you've got the map open at Norfolk.
15:43Hmm?
15:43And we're in there, King's Lynn.
15:52Again.
15:54Richard, look out!
16:04Aren't you supposed to slow down when you go through one of these?
16:09Why weren't you concentrating, dear?
16:12I cannot imagine.
16:21I think water's got into the system.
16:23Hmm?
16:24What does that mean?
16:26It means that we're stuck.
16:28Don't be silly, Richard.
16:29We can't be stuck.
16:30We have an appointment with the QE2.
16:33We'll have to go and get some help.
16:35But the water...
16:37Well, it can't be that deep.
16:40Take your shoes and socks off.
16:42Roll your trousers up.
16:45Come on, dear.
16:46Quick's the word.
16:47Sharp's the motion.
16:55Richard, a little decorum, please.
16:58As befit someone with a reservation for a quality cruise.
17:06A little faster, Richard, please.
17:10Close the door, dear.
17:12There's a terrible draft.
17:16Oh!
17:21Wonder if it's worth trying to find a telephone.
17:24What for?
17:24To inform the QE2 that we may be a little late.
17:30I don't think so, Hyacinth.
17:35Left or right?
17:41Left!
17:51This can't be right.
17:53It's a shortcut.
17:58We're lost.
17:59Of course we're not lost.
18:01We're here.
18:02Well, we can't be there because that's a B road.
18:05Well, then this must be the B road.
18:07This isn't even a road.
18:08Richard, I hope you're not going to be in this unreasonable mood
18:14for the entire holiday.
18:16Now, please, drive on.
18:19I'm sure you'll find we come to the road we need.
18:33Oh, there's a late-night floor show.
18:36Oh, no!
18:37Oh, it'll be fun, dear.
18:39Singing, dancing, a touch of comedy.
18:41No luck!
18:43Hmm?
18:46Well, it's obvious to me what's happened, dear.
18:49You've taken the wrong turning.
19:03Richard, what are you doing, dear?
19:05Get back in the car and turn round.
19:08There's not enough room to turn round.
19:11We're at the end of the universe.
19:14And contrary to all expectations,
19:16it's extremely narrow.
19:18Oh, what a fuss men do make
19:22sooner than admit they're in there.
19:24Turn round in the field, dear!
19:46You have to get out and push.
19:50You have to get out and push.
19:54Me?
19:55There is no-one else about.
19:57But, I mean, what do I do?
19:59I've never pushed anything in my life.
20:00There's a first time for everything.
20:02But...
20:02Out you go, Hyacinth.
20:05This is an emergency.
20:16You'll pay for this, Richard Bucket.
20:20OK.
20:26Well?
20:28Push!
20:29Go!
20:31Go!
20:36Go!
20:42Go!
20:59Have you seen them?
21:00No, but they must be up there somewhere.
21:06It was your idea to come down to Southampton.
21:11Lovely day for a drive, you said.
21:12I just wanted to make sure she went.
21:30I just wanted to make sure she went.
21:44What's that ship?
21:47I'm afraid that's quite impossible.
21:49Impossible?
21:50If the driver can't stop, what's he doing in charge of a vessel of those proportions?
21:56I didn't know which of the suitcases was the most important.
22:00They're all important, Richard.
22:02You should have brought them all.
22:08It seems a bit academic now, anyway.
22:14I see it!
22:15Richard!
22:18Richard!
22:19Emma, what are you doing here?
22:22We decided to come and see you off.
22:25What's happened to you?
22:27Well, Richard and me, I...
22:29There was a problem with the map reading.
22:33We got stuck in some water, bogged down in the fields, took the scenic route, did you?
22:41I'm sorry.
22:43We had a bit of a hold-up on the motorway, but it soon cleared.
22:46How nice for you.
22:51Half ahead, Captain.
22:53Half ahead.
22:55Would you get that, Tony, please?
22:57Yes, ma'am.
23:00Bridge?
23:05No, madam, I'm afraid we cannot go back for you.
23:10Well, you could have waited.
23:12Didn't you check we were on board before you said sail?
23:16Madam, I'm sorry you missed the ship, but I'm afraid it's not our fault that you were late.
23:23All I can suggest is you try and catch us up.
23:25Now, listen to me, my good man.
23:28Important as I am in local circles, I have not yet risen to the level where I can walk on
23:32water.
23:34Well, there's certainly some sort of moment we may have to get through here.
23:38What I meant was you could fly to Copenhagen and join us when the ship calls in there.
23:44Oh, what a wonderful idea.
23:46That is wonderful.
23:51Oh, see you soon.
23:55I certainly look forward to that.
23:58Come on, Richard, look lively. We're going to Copenhagen.
24:01What?
24:02We've got to get to Southampton Airport.
24:05Come on, dear. Bye.
24:07Hi, I said...
24:09I can't go that way.
24:20Two of your nicer window seats, please.
24:24Preferably overlooking one of the engines.
24:26Then I can keep an eye on it for the captain.
24:30My husband and I will be met by the QE2.
24:40There we are, madam.
24:42Row two, seats B and C, overlooking the starved engine.
24:50Come along, Richard.
24:52You haven't time for chatting with the porter.
24:55Actually, madam, I am a dentist on holiday.
24:58I'm just giving this poor man a hand with all this luggage.
25:01Well, he's very kind of you.
25:03And he appears to have one piece of baggage too many.
25:11Could you ask our pilot to go faster and land a little earlier?
25:15I'm afraid not, madam.
25:18My husband would tip him handsomely.
25:21No.
25:25Excuse me.
25:28Richard, do stop being so economical in public.
25:33Can I ask you some questions about your luggage?
25:37Yes, of course.
25:38Isn't it smart?
25:40I expect you want to know when I bought it.
25:43Do they belong to you?
25:45Do I look like the sort of person who'd use other people's suitcases?
25:49Did you pack them personally?
25:52I would never allow anybody else to touch my private belongings.
25:57Have you left them unattended at all?
25:59No, should I have done?
26:03Has anyone approached you and asked you to carry anything through on their behalf?
26:07Through what?
26:10Do you have anything electrical or battery-operated?
26:13Oh, yes. We have a television set, a washing machine, liquidised...
26:18Thank you, madam. I won't keep you a moment.
26:30Please be very careful with my set of matching executive luggage with genuine leather embellishments and initials.
26:36Yes, sir.
26:40As a human being dull, you can say spilling the wood protector of the decides to make a special type
26:43of machine.
26:45Let's try to updatefertory, the chest, a goodill.
26:48Yes, sir.
26:50And you're supposed to keep on it.
26:52Yes, sir.
26:57I've got it.
26:59We're done.
27:01Yes, sir.
27:02Again, I'm good.
27:05Yes, sir.
27:06Yes, sir.
27:06And much as for our chairs, young man.
27:12Why did we happen to be here so early?
27:15We could have had another three hours sleep in that hotel.
27:18Do stop grumbling, Richard, and make the best of it, dear.
27:21Well, the ship's not due for ages here.
27:24Now, we'll find a nice, comfortable spot on the dockside.
27:29Over there looks nice.
27:30We'll wait there.
27:34Bring the cases over, Richard.
27:45Quick as you can, dear.
27:53Now, whilst I guard the luggage...
27:55Yes, now guard this luggage.
27:57This has got to be the world's most expensive luggage.
27:59You go and find some nice Swedish person who'll provide us with a continental breakfast.
28:04Well, why would I want a Swedish person?
28:07This is Copenhagen.
28:08We're in Denmark.
28:10Oh, they're all the same, dear.
28:13It's all Scandinavia.
28:16Don't say that when anyone's listening.
28:18This is a proud nation.
28:20These people are Danes.
28:22Hmm?
28:24Danes?
28:25Danes, yes.
28:26That's a very old seafaring nation.
28:29Danes?
28:30Aren't they the ones who used to attack us in the Dark Ages?
28:34Raping and pillaging?
28:35They're the ones, so don't go calling them Swedes.
28:38There's a lot of fresh ones, Richard.
28:41I insist you stay here and guard me from these Danes.
28:46And to keep our spirits up, we shall sing, Richard.
28:49No.
28:49I'll lead off and you'll catch me up.
28:52Rule Britannia.
28:54Britannia rules the waves.
28:56Britain never, never, never shall be saved.
29:02Rule Britannia.
29:04Britannia rules the waves.
29:07They'll always be free.
29:11And we are, and we free.
29:31She's coming.
29:33She's coming.
29:35I think you'll find she's come.
29:38Hmm?
29:41We're at the wrong dock.
29:42Oh, no.
29:47How are we going to get over there with all this luggage?
29:51We need some transport.
29:52We need a taxi.
29:53Taxi!
29:55Taxi!
29:57Taxi!
29:59Half the walk.
30:01Richard, you will not leave me here with my matching executive luggage
30:06with the genuine leather embellishments and initials.
30:09I wouldn't dare.
30:21Oh, yes.
30:24This will do.
30:27This will do.
30:30Very nicely.
30:31You must take some pictures for our friends, dear.
30:35Oh, where's my luggage?
30:37It's in the capable hands of a team of porters.
30:43Luxury at last, Richard.
30:45It's all been worthwhile, dear.
30:47But after this, we're going to have to cut down on things we can't afford.
30:52Hmm?
30:52Like Sheridan.
30:53What a wonderful relief this is after our narrow escape from the Danes.
31:00Well, I need a bath and bed.
31:03Not yet, dear.
31:04Go and find one of those nice sailor people
31:07and ask them to present the captain with our compliments
31:11and our apologies for missing dinner with him last night.
31:16Are we at the captain's table?
31:18Certainly.
31:19I wrote to him personally
31:21with a list of my dietary requirements
31:24and a return invitation to one of my candlelight suppers.
31:31Richard, I know you're tired, dear,
31:34but I want you to go and find out exactly
31:36where they keep the first-class lifeboats.
31:38I don't think we're going to sink just now
31:41as we're still at the quayside.
31:43Oh, be prepared, Richard.
31:46In the event of an emergency,
31:47I'd hate anything dreadful to happen,
31:50such as stumbling in the dark into a second-class lifeboat.
31:54LAUGHTER
32:03Oh!
32:05Where are your binoculars?
32:07Why would I need my binoculars?
32:09Well, it gives a more semen-like effect, dear.
32:12You can look for things, icebergs and things.
32:16I'm sure the captain has a look-out.
32:18He won't object to a little help.
32:21Do fetch your binoculars, dear.
32:25Try to look more like a descendant of Sir Francis Drake.
32:29Francis Drake?
32:31With a beard, you'd look very like him.
32:33I've often thought so.
32:36LAUGHTER
32:40LAUGHTER
32:41LAUGHTER
32:42LAUGHTER
32:42LAUGHTER
32:47Close the door, dear.
32:48I'm going to change.
32:51It took you an hour and a half to decide to wear that.
32:54LAUGHTER
32:54I think it's more for afternoons.
32:57You should have told me it was more for afternoons.
33:00Or should I say eight bells?
33:03LAUGHTER
33:04Hell's bells will be mine.
33:06LAUGHTER
33:06I'll wait upstairs.
33:08Richard!
33:10It's not upstairs, dear.
33:12It's on deck.
33:14LAUGHTER
33:14Well, whatever it is, I'll be up there
33:16looking for icebergs and growing a beard.
33:20LAUGHTER
33:20LAUGHTER
33:21LAUGHTER
33:29And this is where we shall be dining
33:31at the captain's table this evening.
33:34I shouldn't pin too many hopes on that.
33:37Oh, which reminds me,
33:38I must apologise to him
33:40for missing his ship at Southampton.
33:42LAUGHTER
33:42I'll explain to him it wasn't my fault.
33:45LAUGHTER
33:45It was more yours, really,
33:47for getting stuck in that field.
33:49LAUGHTER
33:54Come along, Richard.
33:56Keep up, dear.
34:04Do you think I should change
34:05to see the captain, dear?
34:07I don't think you'll get to see the captain.
34:09They don't allow passengers on the bridge.
34:11Oh, surely, Richard.
34:12Once he knows you're a descendant
34:14of Sir Francis Drake.
34:18LAUGHTER
34:20LAUGHTER
34:25I'm sorry, madam,
34:26but this is off-limits to passengers.
34:29LAUGHTER
34:30Well, of course I understand
34:31for ordinary passengers,
34:33but the captain will want to see me.
34:35I've invited him to one of my candlelight suppers.
34:38LAUGHTER
34:41Well, I think it's ridiculous
34:43the way they guard him.
34:46LAUGHTER
34:46What have they got to hide?
34:48That's what I'd like to know.
34:50LAUGHTER
34:51Oh, Richard.
34:52You don't suppose they've lost the captain?
34:55LAUGHTER
34:56Well, I mean,
34:57they might have left him
34:58on the dockside at Southampton.
35:01LAUGHTER
35:01Oh, good Lord, who's staring?
35:04LAUGHTER
35:04I don't think they'd leave the captain behind.
35:07They left me!
35:09LAUGHTER
35:11We'll have to keep a close eye open this evening.
35:14And if the captain's missing,
35:16I shall institute inquiries.
35:19You can search the ship.
35:21Good job you brought those binoculars, dear.
35:23Oh, Richard.
35:25We're going to enjoy every moment of this cruise.
35:30Now, what shall I wear?
35:32LAUGHTER
35:36I think it's time for me to show us all the time to show us round.
35:42LAUGHTER
35:43All part of your cruise winner's prize, ma'am.
35:45First thing I've ever won.
35:47LAUGHTER
35:47You've won me.
35:50LAUGHTER
35:51Him from Arnold Street
35:52kept coming second, though, a few times, didn't he?
35:55LAUGHTER
35:57LAUGHTER
35:58The engine room was fascinating.
36:00I had an old hillman that used to gollop fuel like that.
36:04LAUGHTER
36:04Because I'm so clean.
36:07You must have a good daily health.
36:11LAUGHTER
36:11You have quite a few, actually.
36:13Now, this way.
36:14Shh!
36:16I bet even your eye seems to be hard pushed to find a mark.
36:20LAUGHTER
36:20I thought engine rooms were full of sweaty men
36:24with dirty crankies.
36:26No, that's the betting shop.
36:28LAUGHTER
36:32Can I open them now?
36:35Not yet, dear.
36:36I'll tell you when.
36:38LAUGHTER
36:38This strikes me as odd, I mean, I'm on the QE2.
36:42I've got a cabin with a view.
36:44And here I am with my eyes closed.
36:47LAUGHTER
36:48I need your advice, Richard.
36:51Even with my eyes closed, that's a novelty.
36:56LAUGHTER
36:58There.
36:59There.
37:00Well, you can turn round now, dear.
37:05LAUGHTER
37:08And open your eyes, Richard.
37:11LAUGHTER
37:13Well?
37:14Well, what?
37:16What do you think of it?
37:18What do you think of it?
37:18Oh, the outfit...
37:19Mm!
37:19Have you changed again?
37:23LAUGHTER
37:23Richard!
37:25I expect you to notice these things, dear.
37:28Now, tell me, is it suitable?
37:30I mean, does it give the right impression?
37:33LAUGHTER
37:34Well, give me a clue.
37:36What impression are we looking for?
37:39Experienced foreign traveller, dear.
37:42I'd hate to look like someone
37:43who wasn't used to being on the QE2.
37:45Now, does it give the impression...
37:48LAUGHTER
37:49..that I'm taking all this in my stride?
37:52LAUGHTER
37:54I think that I was happier with my eyes closed.
37:58LAUGHTER
38:01Is there anything else I can share?
38:03I could do with learning a few knots.
38:07What do you want knots for?
38:09I could tie father to the bed on his off days.
38:13LAUGHTER
38:13I thought you did.
38:15He gets loose.
38:17You should have told me.
38:19I'd have helped you.
38:20I did tell you.
38:21You took no notice.
38:23I must have been busy.
38:25You were watching telly.
38:27Well, they are.
38:28I was busy.
38:30LAUGHTER
38:30Well, then, er...
38:31If there's nothing else you'd like to see,
38:33if you'll excuse me,
38:34I shall return to my duties.
38:35Well, there is one thing, Squire.
38:37I've always wanted to see the inside of a lifeboat.
38:40Oh.
38:41Right.
38:42This way.
38:47I did show enthusiasm.
38:50You didn't!
38:51You showed no enthusiasm.
38:53Well, I tried to show enthusiasm.
38:55Give me one more chance, Hyacinth.
38:57I'll enthuse it to death.
38:59LAUGHTER
38:59You hated it.
39:01No, I wouldn't say hated.
39:03I...
39:03I daren say hated.
39:05LAUGHTER
39:06Well, I hope I've now found something you approve of.
39:09I like it!
39:11You haven't even looked at it yet!
39:13LAUGHTER
39:14I just knew instinctively that...
39:16that I would like it.
39:18LAUGHTER
39:19LAUGHTER
39:22It's bigger than you think.
39:24Listen, who's talking?
39:26LAUGHTER
39:29Excuse me, sir.
39:30You're one thing to ride your own.
39:31All right, thank you.
39:33Will you be all right up there?
39:35Fine.
39:36All right.
39:37I'll join you again in a minute.
39:40Days!
39:40You want to come up here and have a look?
39:43I'm not coming up there!
39:44This is not the kind of skirt you can climb ladders in.
39:47Not that you've even noticed!
39:50Now, don't start that again.
39:52One whiff of salt hair and you go bananas!
39:56I thought a cruise was supposed to be romantic!
39:59It's not compulsory!
40:02LAUGHTER
40:04I knew you were wrong.
40:06We should have turned left.
40:07Look, I did turn left.
40:08Perhaps you'll follow my directions in future.
40:10I was following them.
40:12You said turn left.
40:14This must lead to a deck.
40:19LAUGHTER
40:27What is it?
40:29Oh, the shame, Richard, the shame.
40:32Just turn it right when it should have been left.
40:34It's not all that, girl.
40:35No, it's not that, dear.
40:37It's on Sloan, Daisy.
40:40What about them?
40:42They're here.
40:43Well, how could they be here?
40:45Well, they are.
40:47I've just seen them climbing out of a lifeboat.
40:53They must have stowed away.
40:55LAUGHTER
41:01Oh, Richard.
41:03My own sister.
41:05A stowaway.
41:07Well, Daisy, maybe.
41:09But do you think Onslow would get up early enough to be a stowaway?
41:14Are you absolutely sure?
41:17They were hiding in a lifeboat.
41:19How else would Onslow gain access to the QE2?
41:23Perhaps he's won some money on the horses.
41:25Oh, Onslow never wins on the horses.
41:28You've seen the way he dresses.
41:29Does he look as if he wins on the horses?
41:32The horses dress better than Onslow.
41:35Well, what's he wearing now?
41:37Well, I mean, he looks quite smart at the moment.
41:40He's trying to bluff his way through,
41:42trying to look like a passenger.
41:44Oh, but my poor sister.
41:48Sleeping in a lifeboat.
41:51Cowering like some criminal on this magnificent ship.
41:56At this very moment,
41:57probably hiding in some forgotten corner of the bilges.
42:01LAUGHTER
42:16Onslow,
42:18I brought the black negligee.
42:21LAUGHTER
42:22Black negligee.
42:24You never know when it might come in handy.
42:33Now I know what they mean by those in peril on the sea.
42:37LAUGHTER
42:39We must find them and hide them.
42:42Hide them where?
42:43In here.
42:44And once they're safely in here,
42:47you must go to the purser,
42:48explain the situation and pay their fares.
42:51Pay their fares!
42:52You must find a cabin for Daisy, at least.
42:56Personally, I wouldn't object if they clapped Onslow in irons.
43:00They still do that?
43:02They ought to in his case.
43:04Now I must change, dear.
43:05Well, you mean that you've got something
43:08especially for searching for stowaways?
43:10We must alter our appearance, Richard.
43:14I don't wish to be recognised in the company of stowaways.
43:18Now, have you got something that you could use as a disguise?
43:22Well, perhaps if I tried to look unmarried,
43:24maybe that'd do the trick.
43:26LAUGHTER
43:27I couldn't murder Onslow.
43:29What I can't understand is
43:30why would Onslow want to stow away on the QE2?
43:34Well, I expect Daisy drove him to it.
43:37Perhaps she was jealous of us.
43:39Poor, demented Daisy.
43:42After a lifetime's neglect,
43:44she wanted her moment in the sun.
43:46Well, if she keeps stowing away,
43:48she's going to get a moment in the sun,
43:50the star, the daily mirror...
43:52Richard!
43:53There must be no publicity, dear.
43:55It would decimate attendance at my candlelight suppers
43:58and Sheridan would be appalled.
44:00Now, look, disguise yourself, dear.
44:02We have work to do.
44:08LAUGHTER
44:09LAUGHTER
44:19Come along, dear.
44:22Come along, Richard.
44:23Don't just stand there.
44:25Stop jogging, dear.
44:27Jogging?
44:28Everybody accepts joggers.
44:30Joggers are above suspicion.
44:32We can scour this ship from top to bottom.
44:35Come along, dear.
44:41Now, keep an eagle eye out for Ong's own Daisy.
44:45How?
44:47By keeping an eye-skinned, dear.
44:53LAUGHTER
45:16Thank you, Richard.
45:19Thank you, Richard.
45:20Thank you, Richard.
45:23Thank you, Richard.
45:23Can I say a high stone?
45:25No.
45:25No.
45:26We'll be good.
45:40LAUGHTER
45:40Don't leave that, dear.
45:44LAUGHTER
45:46LAUGHTER
45:47LAUGHTER
45:48LAUGHTER
45:48LAUGHTER
45:57Yes?
46:00Sugar? No, thank you.
46:06That was Lord Lischfield. I know.
46:29I'm sorry.
46:42I'm sorry.
46:43Here.
47:01Come along, Richard. We've no time for that sort of thing.
47:21Hiacinth, we haven't got the time, let alone the money.
47:43Oh, dear.
47:57And remember, Richard, this is where we shall be dining at the captain's table this evening.
48:02I don't think I'll have the breath.
48:16What's going on?
48:19Oh!
48:19Oh!
48:21I'm sorry.
48:23What?
48:33Sorry!
48:56Oh, Richard, look, the captain's cocktail party. To which, had we not been chasing stowaways, we would most certainly have
49:04been invited.
49:04Oh, and I have the perfect outfit for it.
49:08Now, why doesn't that surprise me?
49:11Oh, and it's fairly elegant too, Richard.
49:15It would have been the perfect setting for my pink two-piece with the magazine brooch.
49:22You know, if we took the time to look, it's really quite beautiful out there.
49:30I believe I could get used to this, going paces and not having to drive.
49:37Not that I ever do drive, I just steer and follow instructions.
49:49What on earth's the matter?
49:54Have you got a fly in your throat?
49:56Are there any flies? I don't think there are any flies.
49:59What is it?
50:04They're in there.
50:06Somehow they've bluffed their way into the captain's cocktail party.
50:17I must say, he gets away with it, old Oslo.
50:21We have to get them out of there, before the captain realises their stowaways.
50:32How dare they escort me from the captain's cocktail party!
50:36Well, you were making funny gestures.
50:40They were not funny!
50:41I was trying to attract my sister's attention.
50:45Ah!
50:46You see what the trouble was?
50:48In this jogging outfit, they were unable to tell that I was suitable material for the captain's cocktail party.
50:56It's time for more diplomatic manoeuvres.
50:58Oh, no! What have you got in mind now?
51:02I shall appeal to the captain personally.
51:04Throw myself on his mercy.
51:06I shall explain to him that my sister has lapses of common sense.
51:11Does she?
51:12She married Onslow, didn't she?
51:15No, I shall tell him, dear, that you will pay Onslow and Daisy's fares.
51:21With what?
51:22And in return for the captain's silence and discretion, I hope to be able to repay him.
51:28I perhaps could organise a little concert for him.
51:31Oh, I could give my programme of sung highlights from HMS Pinafore.
51:37I think you'll find that they have professional entertainers on board.
51:41Oh, yes, dear, but there's nothing quite like the freshness of the amateur approach.
51:45I shall speak to the captain.
51:47Well, where are you going to get to the captain?
51:50At dinner this evening, dear. Now we must change. Come along.
51:53Yeah.
51:55Oh.
52:07Good evening.
52:08Good evening.
52:11Good evening.
52:12Good evening.
52:16Good evening.
52:17Good evening, madam, sir.
52:18Good evening, Mr. and Mrs. Bouquet.
52:21Just one moment, please, madam.
52:25Are you sure you're in this dining room, madam? This is reserved for first-class passengers.
52:29I think you'll find you should be in the Mauritania restaurant.
52:33No, but there must be some mistake.
52:35Excuse me.
52:36Good evening, sir.
52:37Good evening. Fine. Thank you very much.
52:38Let's not debate it now.
52:41Look, there are some places at the captain's table.
52:45Those are reserved for the captain's guests, madam.
52:47Here they come now.
53:07They're doing pretty well for stowaways.
53:14We've got to find out what's going on, Richard.
53:17Can we have dinner first?
53:20You can do what you like, dear. I've lost my appetite.
53:25You somehow have to contact Daisy and Onslow as soon as you've eaten.
53:42Well?
53:44They are here officially.
53:47What do you mean, officially?
53:49Your brother-in-law has won first prize in a newspaper competition.
53:54What?
53:55Two tickets for this cruise with all the trimmings.
53:58Yeah.
54:03Why didn't they say something? Why didn't they tell us?
54:08Onslow said he didn't want to make us jealous.
54:10You should see their cabin. It is magnificent.
54:14What do you mean?
54:15It is really luxurious.
54:17I don't want to know.
54:17Champagne, flowers.
54:19I don't want to know.
54:20They're being treated like film stars.
54:22All right, all right, all right!
54:42Don't you want to dance?
54:47I don't think so, thank you.
55:00Ladies and gentlemen, before we go on to the next dance,
55:02allow me to introduce you to a very special gentleman.
55:05A gentleman who entered a competition in the national newspapers
55:08and was clever enough, or lucky enough, to win the first prize.
55:12That first prize, of course, was a luxury cabin for two
55:16and luxury VIP treatment on this very cruise.
55:19So, a nice big round of applause, if you will, for Onslow
55:22and his lovely wife, Daisy.
55:37And now, ladies and gentlemen, please take your partners for an excuse me.
55:41And Onslow and Daisy, why not put on a happy face?
56:06Come on high synth, you might as well...
56:09Come on high synth, you might as well...
56:09Come on high synth, you might as well...
56:14Excuse me, Daisy.
56:20Onslow, congratulations.
56:37So then, this person chap came up to the cabin and said,
56:41we're on the captain's table.
56:42And I thought, blimey!
56:44I mean, you win a competition, you get a luxury cruise,
56:47and then they expect you to eat with the crew!
56:50Thank you!
56:51Thank you!
56:56Thank you!
57:00Thank you!
57:21Ú†Su
58:22Hello, welcome to England.
58:24It's much more than fish and chips.
58:25We've got chicks with a tits and a big filled lips.
58:27Bally-dog kids and a RS6.
58:29Big two fiddies, more fiddies with a kick.
58:31Lies with more grips, little creep in your crib.
58:32I smell bacon, I smell pigs.
58:34Take the cash down, get into the whip.
58:36Leeds roll racing, I'm feeling like Hamilton.
58:38Wee-go's amazing, Cropsy, I'm grabbing them.
58:39Don't give a fuck in the truck and I'm ramming them.
58:41Follow West Yorkshire, police, here I'm standing there.