- 2 days ago
Hyacinth's plans to buy a small weekend retreat in the country take an unexpected turn, and Richard has an unexpected fall.
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00:00Thank you for listening.
00:38If the Thorncliffs can have a little place in the country, why can't we?
00:48I'm a country lover. You're a country lover.
00:51Yet not at this time in the morning.
00:54I've always been a country lover.
00:56Well, since when? Grass doesn't behave like fitted carpet.
01:02You know I love the country. We go on picnics.
01:07With everything but your royal doolton and the silver teapot.
01:11We take tables, chairs, rugs.
01:16I don't like the creepy crawlies, though.
01:18But we'll find somewhere creepy crawly free.
01:22Oh, Richard, how exciting.
01:25Our own little place in the country.
01:29Well, if you want a financial opinion, it'll have to be very little.
01:41When I say little place, I mean big enough for entertaining a few select friends.
01:47I shall bring civilisation to a little rural corner.
01:52Oh, Richard, I can see it all now.
01:54My prune surprise, one-bite canopies for cowherds and shepherds.
02:02They're always tall and handsome, romantic heroes.
02:07Never short and fat.
02:09I've never yet come across a heroine who's fallen for anybody short and fat.
02:16It's a bit unfair, really.
02:19Plus, it takes no account of the weird shapes we females actually fall for.
02:34I could do with a bacon butty.
02:38My mother couldn't believe it when she saw you for the first time.
02:43You were waiting for me at the gate,
02:46and she thought somebody had abandoned an old van.
02:53I am giving up the hurly-burly of the romantic jungle.
02:58I am retiring from an active love life.
03:03Overactive.
03:05Bob off on slow.
03:08That's no way to speak to an old van.
03:12You didn't take so much starting in those days.
03:15Oh, will you two shut up and listen?
03:18I'm going to write my memoirs.
03:23Well, I could.
03:25Everybody's doing it these days.
03:27And I've kept diaries all these years.
03:29I could write my memoirs.
03:32Well, that's going to be good news for a few loving husbands round here.
03:36Well, there's no point in writing if you aren't going to be truthful.
03:39There's going to be one hell of a lot of men missing their last trains.
03:44I hope there'll be room in your memoirs, R. Rose,
03:47for boyfriends who are short and fat.
03:50I've never been short of short and fat.
03:53When you get to my age, there's a big upsurge in short and fat.
03:58I've been eating poor flowers, no, in an English country garden.
04:04La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
04:08Would you like thatch?
04:09Well, I usually have cornflakes.
04:13Richard, pay attention, dear.
04:15I'm speaking of our cottage.
04:18Should it be thatch, do you think?
04:20You mean as well as heavily mortgaged?
04:24Oh, you're serious, then?
04:26Oh, I like the look of thatch, but is it practical?
04:30I mean, when we're entertaining,
04:32and I've laid one of my elegant executive tables,
04:35the last thing I want is bits of straw falling into people's vexing sluts.
04:41It's executive entertaining.
04:43That's more like you, Hyacinth.
04:45We're not really country material.
04:47Oh, nonsense, dear.
04:49I shall develop a country version of my candlelight suppers.
04:55A sort of ploughman's soiree.
05:02To be a farmer's boy.
05:06To be a farmer's boy.
05:08Richard.
05:20Morning, heaven.
05:24Beautiful day.
05:26Your little oddly, little oddly.
05:29Your little oddly.
05:32That voice ripped straight through me.
05:34She could remove people's socks with a voice like that.
05:41Is this hat suitable, dear?
05:44For what?
05:46For looking at country cottages.
05:49I mean, does it look rural in a sophisticated way?
05:53Um...
05:54Oh, would you wear this one?
05:56No, it wouldn't suit me.
05:59Don't be silly, Richard.
06:01Now, concentrate.
06:01Which hat?
06:02This?
06:06Or...
06:07This.
06:10Hyacinth, I hate decisions of this magnitude.
06:12First thing in the morning, it's unreasonable.
06:15You don't like my hats.
06:17Look, I...
06:18I never said I didn't like your hats.
06:20Richard.
06:22Is this the first chink in our marriage?
06:27I've heard about men in midlife crisis.
06:30Now, I'm warning you, Richard.
06:33I will not have you being unfaithful to my hats.
06:40Now, when she rings, it's just a question of being quite firm and giving her my excuse.
06:50What my excuse?
06:52Oh.
06:54I'm sorry, Hyacinth, but I can't enjoy coffee with you this morning.
06:58I have an appointment with my solicitor.
07:00Can't enjoy coffee with you this morning.
07:02I have an appointment with my solicitor.
07:04Right.
07:06I'm so sorry, Hyacinth, but I can't enjoy coffee with you this morning.
07:11I have an appointment with my solicitor.
07:22Hello?
07:24No, no, no.
07:25I'm afraid I can't.
07:26No, not this morning.
07:27I'm soliciting.
07:33Oh, no.
07:35No, no, no.
07:35Of course I'm not soliciting.
07:37No, I...
07:37Sorry.
07:38You can't what?
07:40You can't invite me for coffee this morning.
07:43Because you're going to look at property.
07:46Yes, I understand.
07:51Some other time.
07:54That's fine.
08:01Now, I want something with roses round the door.
08:06It should create an impression of charm, tranquility, and have an exclusive postcode.
08:15Oh, well, at least three bedrooms.
08:19Absolute minimum.
08:20Yes.
08:21And it should have every mod con.
08:24Yes, I see no virtue in rustic plumbing.
08:28Oh, how much is that one?
08:30Re...
08:31Really?
08:33Oh, that seems quite reasonable.
08:36Oh, and a sunken garden.
08:38And a south-facing conservatory.
08:40Very nice.
08:41Yes.
08:43Now, there should...
08:45There should be an L-shaped room for entertaining, and a niche or two for my objet d'art.
08:52Yes.
08:53Isn't there something cheaper we could convert?
08:55Something a bit run-down needs doing up.
08:58Like me.
09:01Excuse me.
09:03Richard, are you losing your nerve?
09:04Yes.
09:05It's gone completely.
09:08Excuse me.
09:09I'm still here.
09:15You keep her beautifully, Richard.
09:18Well, she doesn't think so.
09:19She thinks I'm in mid-life crisis.
09:23Oh, the car.
09:27Yes.
09:28Hyacinth likes a clean car.
09:30Why does she think you're in a mid-life crisis?
09:32I failed a hat test this morning.
09:35She asked me which one I preferred.
09:38Beautiful day, Elizabeth.
09:40Yes, isn't it?
09:42Completely conducive to contemplating cosy, charismatic country cottages.
09:49Come along, Richard.
09:51Don't just stand there having your mid-life crisis.
09:59Watch out for the lorry, dear.
10:01Yes, I can see the lorry.
10:03And there's a pedestrian on the pavement.
10:05Yes, that's a good place for a pedestrian.
10:11Aren't you going too quickly?
10:13No, I'm not going too quickly.
10:23You really are in a mid-life crisis.
10:26I knew it would happen one day.
10:28I've been expecting it.
10:30Mind the bicycle.
10:32Minding the bicycle.
10:33You're all passing the bicycle carefully in mid-life crisis.
10:39We shall fight it together.
10:42It's my mid-life crisis.
10:44I shall be a tower of strength for you.
10:48Watch out for other women.
10:50Where?
10:51Where?
10:52No, not here, dear.
10:53In your mid-life crisis.
10:54It's a time when men think of other women.
10:57Not me, High Senpai, show you.
10:59For me,
11:01one woman
11:03is enough.
11:06Thank you, dear.
11:09Beautiful sentiment.
11:12You see, you're getting better already.
11:15Think for yourself, Richard.
11:19Turn left here.
11:28How do you spell memoirs?
11:32M-E-M-O-I-R-S.
11:36And I thought he was just a big, idle slob.
11:41He's a big, idle slob that can spell.
11:46You get a warm, cosy feeling
11:49being married to an intellectual.
11:56If you weren't bone-idle,
11:58I bet you could have really made something of yourself.
12:01Well, yeah,
12:02if I hadn't decided to be bone-idle.
12:09Is she really writing her memoirs?
12:12Looks like it.
12:14How do you spell virgin?
12:17Is it E-R-R-R-R-R?
12:20Is she going back that far?
12:26Oh, that's beautiful.
12:28I like that one.
12:29One could entertain there.
12:34Harrison we're looking for a country cottage something simple we can do up yes of course
12:40dear don't get carried away I'll go in and see what they have you look through this
12:49remember something simple we can do up I'm well aware of what we want Richard
13:30why do you only get the details of big houses look I am NOT going into an estate agents to
13:36make
13:37inquiries about some potty little property I have my pride Richard then I'll go in next time well
13:43make sure there's room for entertaining whatever sort of property it is I shall want it to be a
13:48shining light of civilization in the rural wilderness mind that herd of cows dear it's in a field they may
13:56be due for milking minding the cows it's only me hello brother mine you're particularly cheerful I've had a
14:16coffee-free morning no hyacinth lucky you how did you angle that I didn't have to she was going out
14:24looking at property looking at property is that what she said I think that's what she said try to
14:35remember I'm sorry Liz but are you positive she said looking at property but that means she's moving
14:54well I assumed it was for somebody else she can't be moving don't say that Liz not even in jest
15:02ye gods are since moving I think that calls for a little drinky oh what a beautiful morning oh what
15:14a beautiful morning in about an hour if that's convenient good just a moment and the name is a B
15:24-U-K
15:27B-U-K-E-T spelled B-U-C-K-E-T it's a mr. and mrs. bucket that's close
15:37enough they'll be with you in about an hour don't worry about how the name's spelled you're wearing a green
15:44hat is there anything else we can show you I'd like particulars regarding this please
15:55let's just look at cottages that's where we started cottages our own little place in the country you said
16:03I know but I will not have the agents believing that's all we can afford
16:08oh this one looks more modest doesn't look more modest to me nonsense mind the tree dear
16:14the tree I am on the road the tree is in the hedge but it could blow down
16:19they do they're always blowing down minding the tree
16:29well it may say turn left but I can't see that cottage anywhere
16:36shall we ask the village idiot
16:39fellow do you really think he's the right person to ask
16:42there's no one else
16:46good day to you my good man
16:50could you direct us we're looking for honeysuckle cottage
16:53ah
17:00I don't appear to be getting through to him Richard
17:02he's clearly donated his vocal organs to medical research
17:06can you tell us where we can find honeysuckle cottage
17:12oh
17:39then for goodness sake let's go
17:43thank you
17:49he was looking at me very oddly Richard
17:52do you suppose they could still be eating raw meat round here
17:55I see
17:56believe me those were not the eyes of a vegetarian
18:06well he was right about first left probably just a wild guess he looked a trifle off the latch to
18:14me
18:14well he knew it was first left so he can't be completely off the latch I'll just pull off the
18:22road
18:23he was just staring at me and grinning
18:27I don't suppose he's ever seen a hat like mine
18:36I hope all country people aren't going to be like that
18:43it'll make it very hard work at my merry England barbecues
18:55we must get a maypole Richard
18:57apparently that's how country folk amuse themselves
19:01I do like the name
19:04honeysuckle cottage
19:06it'll look rather well on our embossed personal notepaper
19:10you want my opinion
19:12pretty but pricey
19:14we'll send out invitations Richard
19:16the bouquets will be entertaining
19:19this weekend
19:21at honeysuckle cottage
19:29oh yes Richard I like it
19:35and where's the neighbour with the key
19:37apparently he just lives around the corner
19:39come on dear
19:40come on
19:41come on dear
19:43come on dear
19:45come on dear
19:48welcome from the crew
19:51welcome from the crew
20:00my name my trad
20:04hey
20:05hey
20:10What is it?
20:13It's a goat.
20:14Oh, you see how familiar you are with the country already.
20:19Are they house-trained?
20:22I shouldn't think so.
20:24Oh, just like Honslow.
20:28Oh.
20:38Richard?
20:40Richard?
20:41Richard?
20:57Come along, Richard.
20:58This must be it.
21:11This makes Honslow's place look like a palace.
21:26When we stopped in the car and asked him directions,
21:29why didn't he tell us he had the key?
21:31Maybe he did.
21:33Could you understand a word he was saying?
21:34I still can't understand a word he's saying.
21:38Oh, the world we have, oh, what is a worm?
21:41There are a terrible, oh, oh, the world rats.
21:46Did he say rats?
21:47I thought he said rats.
21:49I thought I heard woodworm.
21:51Can one hear woodworm?
21:54I thought I heard him say woodworm.
21:58I think you'd better go in first, Richard.
22:00Into the jaws of rats and woodworm.
22:02Charming.
22:03Let's hope it's the rats who've got the woodworm.
22:08Woodworm?
22:09Ah, I was saying we've got building regulation.
22:24Oh, yes, one could do something with this.
22:27A little cottage furniture.
22:30Ideal for my comfrey cream teas.
22:36We shall need a grandfather clock, Richard.
22:39For cream teas.
22:42For the audience, Richard.
22:45The old world atmosphere, dear.
22:49Yes, wood.
22:52Well, naturally, what did you expect?
22:55Well, it's a pity if they'd been plastic.
22:56It'd have confused the woodworm.
22:58Huh?
23:03How old is the place?
23:04Oh, a year.
23:06A year, then I don't know what's up in the air.
23:08I did the 1800s of January.
23:10Don't worry her.
23:14You cry.
23:15Listen, just because I recognised a goat.
23:20She's not home yet.
23:22They may have found somewhere.
23:25You're getting a thing about this.
23:27They probably won't find the right property at their first attempt.
23:30People should make up their minds.
23:33I don't see what is so difficult about choosing a property.
23:39She is looking for a property, isn't she?
23:41Oh, Emmett, relax.
23:43Hyacinth said they were looking at property.
23:45That's all I can tell you.
23:47Well, if she comes back here without finding a property, then...
23:52Then we'll have to help her look for something.
23:56How can we help her?
23:57We'll circulate estate agents within a 50-mile radius.
24:01No.
24:02No, let's make that a 100-mile radius.
24:06We mustn't miss any opportunity to help.
24:10I mean, what are neighbours for?
24:13Emmett, we can't do that.
24:15We can't interfere with Hyacinth's choice.
24:18I could.
24:19Especially when it's in such a good cause.
24:22What good cause?
24:23My sanity!
24:27Oh, plenty of cupboard space.
24:30I can't say I'm finding all that much space.
24:33You can't see any woodworm.
24:36There are more problems around here than woodworm, dear.
24:39I'm not so cozy in here.
24:41I like to be my...
24:44What's she saying?
24:45I don't know, but I can feel every syllable.
24:47Oh, excuse me.
24:53What a chair.
24:55A fine big lass.
24:59Wow.
25:02Check the loft area carefully for pests, Richard.
25:07Not much light up here.
25:10And if you should see any woodworm,
25:12try to shoo them towards the end of the building.
25:16How do you shoo woodworm?
25:19Well, intimidate them, dear, by banging on their beams.
25:23It's very dusty and there's not a lot of room to move.
25:26Really?
25:27Oh, well, I'm a little restricted down here.
25:31Richard, Richard, would you come down, dear?
25:34Now...
25:34Yes, sir!
25:36I'm coming!
25:37Woo!
25:39Richard!
25:40Oh, in the room, I'm going out of here.
25:42Those fancy socks, too!
25:45Whoa!
25:46Richard!
25:48Richard!
25:50Richard!
25:54Oh, it's only one to go out there.
25:56See the tables again.
25:57Take a package of me when my husband's incapacitated.
26:01Oh!
26:02Oh, the wife!
26:04Oh, much larger than you might have on.
26:07Well, I'm not standing for it.
26:09You and your fancy woman, you cow!
26:12Oh, you!
26:13I'm not doing all the way to your last morning.
26:15You go home and wear it.
26:18I'm not standing for it.
26:20I'm not doing anything.
26:22I'm trying to say it's all that.
26:25Help!
26:26Help!
26:29Richard!
26:30Do stop messing about up there and come down at once, dear.
26:34I don't think there's any woodworm in this beam.
26:36It feels hard enough.
26:39Now, listen.
26:40I'm going to lock myself in the car.
26:43The way that yokel's behaving,
26:45you'd think I was the first delirious,
26:47desirable woman he's ever seen.
26:49Now, come on, dear!
26:51I see!
26:52I see!
26:53I'm going to stone up here to just make a bit more money.
26:57It's your fault, as I say.
26:59You've got the fury of the very old busybody, you are.
27:02It's very old, right?
27:04I've had enough with the well-through there.
27:06Ha, ha!
27:07So you'll come out with me anymore.
27:35Richard, how long are you going to have to walk
27:38like that?
27:39Probably forever.
27:46This is no time to be nursing your grievances.
27:49It's funny you should say that.
28:02Richard!
28:03Richard!
28:03Richard!
28:04Richard!
28:04Richard!
28:10Richard!
28:10Richard!
28:11Richard!
28:12Richard!
28:15Richard!
28:16Richard!
28:18Richard!
28:20Richard!
28:21Richard!
28:22Richard!
28:23Richard!
28:24Richard!
28:25Richard!
28:26Richard!
28:27Richard!
28:30Richard!
28:43Richard!
28:43Richard!
29:11Richard!
29:21Richard!
29:26Richard!
29:27Richard!
29:29Richard!
29:29Richard!
29:33Richard!
29:34Richard!
29:35Richard!