- 2 days ago
Hyacinth concocts an elaborate plan for Richard to turn him into an executive. She is sure he will be able to impress the Director of Frosticles, a breakfast cereal company in search of a Senior Executive, if only he has the opportunity to meet him in a social context.
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01:02I object to having second-class stamps thrust through my letterbox.
01:08I should have thought postmen would be trained to recognise first-class stamp houses.
01:14It's not the post office puts the stamps on. It's the senders.
01:18Oh, yes, of course. Blame the public.
01:22Would you please inform your supervisor that in future I want my stamps suggested upwards?
01:33I want your opinion. Is this appropriate for business wear?
01:47You two don't just sleep. You hibernate.
01:52Oh, is that Onslow's beer I see spilling out onto the floor?
02:02Oh, nice.
02:04Up after the night with your hyacinth and now there's some other comedian.
02:07I wish you'd bog off.
02:10I'm still in hyacinth aftershock.
02:13Oh, don't go back to sleep. Tell me how I look.
02:16What makes you think I can see?
02:20Daisy!
02:21Daisy!
02:22Well, if it's our hyacinth's come back, I'm not him.
02:27But she's not come back.
02:29I'll say this much for your hyacinth.
02:31She leaves a lot of happiness behind her.
02:33It's such a relief when she's gone.
02:37How do I love for doing walking?
02:41For selling costume jewellery door to door.
02:45Am I dressed properly for business?
02:48You could get arrested for that kind of business.
02:52Who?
02:56Richard!
03:00One of these days, you'll find me lying in a pool of blood.
03:04Listen to this.
03:06Wanted Managing Director Frozen Foods.
03:10Only persons of proven ability should apply for this senior position.
03:16Why are you telling me this?
03:17Because it's you, Richard.
03:19It's absolutely you.
03:22Frozen Foods?
03:24Oh, not that bit, dear, but personally.
03:28And the firm is Frosticles.
03:32Their factory's only a few miles down the road.
03:35You could be home for lunch every day.
03:37Wait a minute, Harrison.
03:39You could have the firm's car, probably a chauffeur.
03:42Hang on.
03:43Are you suggesting that I should apply?
03:45Well, not through the normal channels, dear.
03:47I mean, what's the point of knowing people
03:49if one has to apply through the normal channels?
03:52Do we know people?
03:54Oh, not just people.
03:55People, we know Frosticles himself.
03:59Or at least Mrs. Frosticles.
04:03The Milburns.
04:04That thrusting creature on the ladies' luncheon committee.
04:08She was a hackett from Wilton Street
04:10before she laid herself shamelessly in the path of Frosticles.
04:14We must make sure that he knows you're available.
04:22Now, sit there and practice being firm.
04:27All you have to do is say no.
04:29Have you ever tried saying no to Hyacinth?
04:32Liz, she's just a human being.
04:40Just.
04:41Look, you're a free spirit.
04:43If you don't want to go round there for coffee
04:45when she asks you, say no.
04:47But it doesn't make any difference.
04:49She never listens anyway.
04:51All right.
04:52We'll rehearse it.
04:54You sit there practising steely determination
04:56and I shall pretend to be Hyacinth.
05:03Greater love hath no man for his sister
05:06than to be Hyacinth.
05:09Right.
05:10Here we go.
05:13Phone ringing?
05:15Well, answer it.
05:21Hello?
05:22Coffee at eleven, Elizabeth.
05:27Thank you, Hyacinth.
05:30Oh, no!
05:32I'm sorry, but you were so lifelike.
05:40Now, the first thing to do
05:42is to get you to meet Mr. Milburn.
05:44Frosticles himself.
05:47No underlings.
05:48Go straight to the top.
05:51I don't know the man.
05:52Of course, it'll have to look like a chance meeting.
05:56Oh, you're not going to start plotting me into something.
05:59I still blush when I remember
06:01how you tried to make me president of the archery club.
06:04We were doing splendidly until you shot Mrs. Lazenby.
06:09I've never heard such a fuss.
06:12It was only a glancing wound.
06:15You'll get it wrong.
06:16We always get it wrong.
06:17Richard!
06:19I'm doing this for you, dear.
06:22It is my duty to give you a new vision for the future.
06:26In frozen foods.
06:28In a senior executive position.
06:31I'll get frostbite.
06:33Oh, Richard!
06:34You know, bits of me will start falling off.
06:36I can't apply for a position like that.
06:39Of course you can't.
06:41You don't think that these senior executive positions
06:44are filled by application.
06:47It's always done by people knowing people.
06:50People upon whom one has made an impression
06:53on social occasions.
06:56But where am I going to make an impression?
06:59On old Frosticles.
07:00On the golf course.
07:02Whoop!
07:03Now, Hyacinth, that is not a good idea.
07:05Leave it to me, dear.
07:07He'll probably be on the course this evening.
07:09But relaxing after a day's executing.
07:12Then you come along looking ruthlessly efficient.
07:17And this time, I'm going to clobber Mrs. Frosticles.
07:23Now, that was a lot better.
07:26Let's have another go.
07:28And remember, Liz,
07:29you're a woman not to be trifled with.
07:33Right, here we go again.
07:37Phone's ringing.
07:39Hello?
07:40It's only me, Elizabeth.
07:46Coffee at 11?
07:48No, thank you, Hyacinth.
07:49Some other time.
07:52I did it!
07:57You see?
07:58Well done!
08:00It's just a question of getting started, isn't it?
08:02Once you've started, it's quite easy.
08:04And you are very good.
08:07You really sounded like Hyacinth.
08:11I must ask you to never repeat that
08:13in front of a living soul.
08:15Come on.
08:16Answer it!
08:20Hello?
08:22Coffee at 11?
08:24Thank you, Hyacinth.
08:32Now, let me see you, Richard.
08:35And remember,
08:37first impressions.
08:43The trouble is,
08:44I don't do impressions.
08:46No, no, no, Richard.
08:48I want to see a captain of industry.
08:51You mustn't let Frosticles see you
08:53looking indecisive like that.
08:55I feel indecisive.
08:57I'm happy with indecisive.
08:59Richard,
09:00when Frosticles first claps eyes on you,
09:02you must be looking forceful
09:04and executive.
09:05I shall be forceful
09:08and executive, Hyacinth.
09:09Good.
09:10I can feel it now
09:11coming up through my knees.
09:14Oh,
09:16here it comes,
09:17up through my groin.
09:23Richard,
09:24what kind of language
09:25is that for a senior Frosticle?
09:26What about next?
09:31Right, Liz.
09:32You failed on the telephone.
09:34Let's try it face to face.
09:35With Hyacinth?
09:37Yes, of course,
09:38with Hyacinth.
09:40Just tell her to her face
09:41that you haven't got the time
09:43to accept her invitation to coffee.
09:44I knew it was on the telephone.
09:47You failed telephone.
09:51I shall fail face to face.
10:00I'm forceful and executive.
10:02I'm forceful and executive.
10:04I'm forceful and executive.
10:06I'm forceful and executive.
10:08I'm forceful and executive.
10:18Oh,
10:19it's you, Elizabeth.
10:20Little early, dear,
10:22but do come in.
10:23Oh,
10:23I,
10:24I,
10:24actually,
10:25I,
10:25I came to tell you
10:27that I'm bringing everything, too.
10:31Well,
10:31no,
10:32actually,
10:32I can't.
10:33I've got so many important things to do.
10:34I can't.
10:37Do sit down,
10:39my dears,
10:40anywhere.
10:42Except there.
10:46Get that one for me.
10:51Not me.
10:56Is Richard all right?
10:59Why, dear?
11:00Well,
11:00he passed us on the doorstep
11:02and I thought he looked a bit
11:04preoccupied.
11:05Oh,
11:05he's got a lot on his mind.
11:07He's toying with various offers
11:09for a senior executive position
11:11in industry.
11:12Now,
11:13make yourselves comfy.
11:14And if you'll excuse me,
11:16I'll just go and wipe Emmett's footmark
11:18off my woodblock.
11:21Perhaps I ought to take your shoes,
11:23Emmett.
11:24Come along.
11:27We don't want a repetition
11:29on your way out,
11:30do we?
11:31Of course,
11:32Richard and I
11:33never have this problem
11:34because we always wear leather.
11:40don't say a word.
11:44She'll sing at me.
11:46Now she has me trapped
11:48and barefoot.
11:49Heaven knows what she'll do.
11:52Well,
11:52just don't let me
11:53spill the coffee.
11:55Everyone comfy?
11:56Good.
11:57I'll be back in a jiffy.
11:59But more we ought to get
12:02the merrier we shall be.
12:12Oh,
12:13make the coffee,
12:14will you, Elizabeth?
12:16I expect that's
12:17someone important.
12:19The Bacay residence,
12:21the lady of the house speaking.
12:22Oh,
12:23it's you, Daisy.
12:24How are you, dear?
12:25Hmm.
12:26Listen, Daisy.
12:28Tell Onslow
12:29to put a shirt on
12:30while I'm on the telephone.
12:34I can always sense him there,
12:36expanding.
12:39Onslow's in the garden.
12:42Daddy's gone naturist.
12:44Well,
12:44I think that's wonderful
12:46at his age.
12:48Yes,
12:48all that wholesome,
12:49healthy food.
12:51Plenty of roughage.
12:52Hmm.
12:53Onslow's trying to get
12:54Daddy down from where?
12:56Well,
12:56why wouldn't Daddy
12:57be up there?
12:59Oh,
12:59he's not
13:00that kind of naturist.
13:01But what kind of naturist
13:03is he?
13:04A stark naturist?
13:07Well,
13:07I don't know.
13:08I don't know.
13:08You can see.
13:11I'm so glad
13:12you could pop in.
13:13We must do this again
13:14very shortly.
13:17Well,
13:17that was quicker
13:18than I thought.
13:20I've still got her coffee.
13:27Oh,
13:28thank you, dear.
13:29That's very kind of you.
13:31Mmm.
13:32My favourite brand, too.
13:44Where have you put Father?
13:46He's back in his bed,
13:48fast asleep.
13:50Is he wearing pyjamas?
13:52He says it's against
13:53his convictions.
13:59You're great
14:00in a crisis,
14:01Onslow.
14:03What crisis?
14:04Have we run out
14:06of beer?
14:09Oh.
14:11Just now,
14:12you were
14:13magnificent.
14:15I could see you
14:16in full profile
14:17as you went past
14:18carrying Father.
14:21Hope you couldn't
14:22see him
14:23in full profile.
14:26You were
14:27wonderful,
14:28Onslow.
14:29Not that he's heavy,
14:30it's just,
14:30without any clothes
14:31on at his age,
14:32there's not much
14:32to get a hold of.
14:36And you did it
14:37all for me.
14:38I wish
14:39there was some way
14:40I could repay you.
14:45Listen,
14:46Daisy,
14:47when I promised
14:48to love,
14:49honour and obey,
14:50I didn't
14:51necessarily mean
14:52every Tuesday.
14:57How long
14:58has your father
14:59been a naturist?
15:01I think
15:02there must be
15:03some mistake.
15:04Daddy's always
15:05been C of E.
15:08Do they
15:09take their clothes
15:10off?
15:13I think
15:14it's a cry
15:14for help,
15:15dear.
15:16Mind the lorry.
15:18It's only left.
15:20And there's
15:21an old lady
15:21on the pavement.
15:22I'm on the road,
15:23so everything
15:24is as it should be.
15:26LAUGHTER
15:31LAUGHTER
15:33LAUGHTER
15:54I wish we could
15:55have Daddy
15:55at home,
15:56but he does
15:56so monopolise
15:57the bathroom.
15:59LAUGHTER
16:09How can a place
16:10look like this
16:1150 years
16:12after the Blitz?
16:14LAUGHTER
16:14LAUGHTER
16:29leave it,
16:31leave it.
16:37LAUGHTER
16:48Good dog.
16:54As soon as I'm
16:55quite sure
16:55Daddy's got
16:56all his clothes on,
16:57we must go
16:58and practise our
16:58golf, Richard.
16:59Can I ask you
17:00to face a little
17:01reality here?
17:02I'm terrible
17:03at golf.
17:04It's all right.
17:05He's finished
17:06being a naturist.
17:07He fell in
17:08some nattles.
17:09LAUGHTER
17:10Morning.
17:13I suppose
17:14I'd better go
17:14and put a coat on.
17:15No, no, no!
17:17Stay just as you are!
17:20You make a very
17:21powerful first
17:22impression
17:23dress like this,
17:24Onslow.
17:25I should like
17:26you to do
17:26me a little
17:27favour.
17:31LAUGHTER
17:37You're looking
17:38very colourful,
17:39Richard.
17:40Is plan A
17:42with a touch
17:43of plan C?
17:46LAUGHTER
17:48Hyacinth?
17:49Who else?
17:51Ah!
17:53Ah!
17:59I'm afraid
17:59you've just
18:00caught us
18:00sneaking off
18:01for a chucker
18:01of golf.
18:02There you are,
18:03dear.
18:08I didn't know
18:09you were so keen,
18:10Hyacinth.
18:11Oh, yes,
18:12dear,
18:12Richard's
18:13practically a
18:13fanatic.
18:16LAUGHTER
18:18Come along,
18:19Richard.
18:20We want to get
18:21through the
18:21416 holes.
18:28Thank you,
18:29dear.
18:30Have a good
18:30chucker.
18:32LAUGHTER
18:36Come along,
18:37Richard.
18:37We haven't got
18:38all day.
18:40LAUGHTER
18:48Now,
18:49try to look
18:49as if we're
18:50meant to be
18:51here.
18:54Yes,
18:55this is the
18:55place.
18:56For what?
18:57The place
18:58where you
18:58will impress,
19:00Mr. Milburn.
19:01Hyacinth,
19:02I'm not
19:02frosticle material.
19:03I'll never
19:04make a
19:04frosticle.
19:05Richard,
19:06the refurbishment
19:08of the dining
19:08room is
19:09depending on
19:09your career
19:10as a
19:11frosticle.
19:11here.
19:21Hyacinth,
19:22go-fing disaster
19:23that I am.
19:23I do know
19:24that we're
19:24supposed to
19:24keep out
19:25of this
19:25stuff.
19:26They'll
19:26think we're
19:27looking for
19:28a ball.
19:29Oh,
19:30yes,
19:30I can do
19:31that.
19:31Looking for
19:32a ball.
19:32Now you're
19:33talking my
19:33game.
19:34And it
19:35won't really
19:36be a lie,
19:36dear,
19:37because we
19:37are looking
19:37for
19:38something.
19:39What?
19:42Honestly.
19:47Yeah,
19:48this is
19:48roughly
19:49where
19:49your
19:49Hyacinth
19:50said.
19:50And she
19:51said don't
19:51wear a
19:52shirt.
19:53Are you
19:53certain she
19:54said that?
19:55That's what
19:55she said.
19:57I expect
19:58she wants
19:58me casual
19:59for golf.
20:01Why would
20:02she want
20:02you at
20:03all for
20:03golf?
20:04She knows
20:05I have
20:06sporting
20:06interests.
20:07You
20:08watched
20:08racing
20:08on
20:09telly.
20:10I don't
20:11just watch
20:12it.
20:12I put
20:13bets
20:13on.
20:14That's
20:14not like
20:14our
20:15Hyacinth.
20:16She
20:16usually
20:16goes
20:17spare
20:17when you
20:17don't
20:17wear
20:18a
20:18shirt.
20:19All
20:19I
20:19know
20:20is
20:20she
20:20said
20:20there'd
20:20be
20:21a
20:21month's
20:21supply
20:21of
20:21beer
20:22and
20:22crisps
20:22in it.
20:23And
20:23if
20:23things
20:23go
20:24right,
20:24as
20:25much
20:25frozen
20:25food
20:26as
20:26we
20:26can
20:26eat.
20:28Frozen
20:29food?
20:30She's
20:31bribing
20:31you
20:31with
20:31frozen
20:32food?
20:33What's
20:34she
20:34up
20:37in
20:38the
20:38trees
20:38over
20:38there
20:39until
20:40she
20:40raises
20:40her
20:41club
20:41in
20:41the
20:41air
20:41as
20:42a
20:42signal?
20:43Then
20:43I
20:44have
20:44to
20:44show
20:44myself.
20:46Show
20:47yourself?
20:48Just
20:48stand on
20:49the edge
20:49of the
20:49golf
20:49course
20:50looking
20:50all
20:51male
20:51and
20:51menacing.
20:53Why?
20:55I
20:55don't
20:56know
20:56why.
20:57But
20:57for
20:57a
20:58month's
20:58supply
20:58of
20:58beer
20:59and
20:59smoky
20:59bacon
20:59I
21:00don't
21:00care
21:00why.
21:02It's
21:03your
21:03body.
21:05Our
21:05Harrison's
21:06getting
21:06fascinated
21:06with
21:07your
21:07body.
21:09Nice.
21:17Well
21:18you
21:18know
21:18this
21:19Milburn
21:19when
21:19you
21:20see
21:20him
21:20he
21:21won't
21:21necessarily
21:22be
21:22covered
21:22in
21:22icicles
21:23you
21:23know.
21:24Well
21:25of
21:25course
21:26I'll
21:26know
21:26him.
21:27stood
21:27very
21:27close
21:28to
21:28him
21:28once
21:28at
21:28the
21:28railway
21:29station.
21:30Oh
21:31you
21:31know
21:31him
21:31that
21:31well.
21:34So
21:35what
21:35am
21:35I
21:35supposed
21:35to
21:35do
21:36when
21:36he
21:36comes?
21:37Plan
21:37A
21:38dear
21:38remember
21:40I
21:41shall
21:41give
21:41a
21:41signal
21:42to
21:42Onslow
21:42who
21:43will
21:43emerge
21:44from
21:44the
21:44bushes
21:44and
21:45just
21:45stand
21:45there.
21:46The
21:47Milburn
21:47party
21:48will
21:48espy him
21:49and
21:49know
21:50that
21:50he's
21:50up to
21:50no
21:50good.
21:51How
21:51will
21:52they
21:52know
21:52he's
21:52up to
21:52no
21:53good?
21:53because
21:54because
21:54that's
21:54the
21:54impression
21:55Onslow
21:55always
21:56makes.
21:58So
21:58he's
21:59standing
21:59there
22:00up
22:00to
22:00no
22:00good?
22:01Then
22:01I
22:02shall
22:02say
22:03in a
22:03voice
22:03loud
22:04and
22:04clear
22:04Richard
22:05will
22:06you
22:06please
22:06do
22:07something
22:07about
22:07that
22:08suspicious
22:08looking
22:09person?
22:10You
22:11will
22:11then
22:12walk
22:12towards
22:13Onslow
22:16and
22:16throw
22:17him
22:17out.
22:21And
22:22so
22:22the
22:23Milburns
22:24will
22:24be
22:24bowled
22:25over
22:25by your
22:26executive
22:26potential.
22:30You
22:31alright
22:31I think
22:32she looks
22:33a right
22:33muffin
22:34in that
22:34golfing
22:34gear.
22:39It's
22:40been a
22:40long
22:40time
22:40since
22:41you
22:41brought
22:41me
22:41into
22:41the
22:41Woods
22:42Onslow.
22:43Now
22:43don't
22:44start
22:44getting
22:44broody.
22:47First
22:48with a
22:48leaf
22:48mould
22:48and
22:49you're
22:49off.
22:50Me
22:51Tarzan
22:51you
22:52used
22:52to
22:52say
22:52you
22:53Jane
22:53then
22:53you
22:54used
22:54to
22:54beech
22:54chest
22:54and
22:55chase
22:55me
22:55through
22:55the
22:55woods.
22:58We
22:59had
22:59one
22:59trapped
22:59minds
23:00in
23:00those
23:00days.
23:01I
23:02was
23:02full
23:02of
23:02hormones.
23:04We
23:04wasted
23:05all
23:05our
23:05educational
23:06opportunities.
23:08The
23:08number
23:09of
23:09times
23:09we
23:09went
23:10into
23:10those
23:10woods.
23:12We
23:13never
23:13once
23:13noticed
23:14a
23:14squirrel
23:14did
23:14we?
23:18Richard
23:19here
23:19they
23:19come.
23:20Start
23:21looking
23:21executive.
23:23He's
23:24the one
23:24in the
23:24red
23:25trousers.
23:26I
23:26couldn't
23:26work
23:27for
23:27anybody
23:27who
23:27wears
23:28red
23:28trousers.
23:29Now
23:29on my
23:30signal
23:30Richard.
23:33Ah!
23:54what's
23:54you
23:55doing?
23:56I've
23:57never
23:57seen
23:57anything
23:58like
23:58you.
23:59I
24:02never
24:06far!
24:27Richard,
24:28I
24:29don't
24:29like
24:29the
24:29look
24:30of
24:30this
24:30suspicious
24:31looking
24:31person.
24:32Please
24:32get rid
24:33of
24:33him.
24:41Suicide
24:42mission.
24:44I admire
24:44the fool's
24:45nerve.
24:46Very
24:46rare
24:46quality
24:47these
24:47days.
24:48Such
24:48stupidity.
24:52I
24:52don't
24:53have
25:00any
25:01thought.
25:02Well
25:03done
25:04that
25:04man.
25:05Please
25:06play
25:06through.
25:09Thank
25:09you,
25:10madam.
25:10And
25:10congratulations
25:11to your
25:12husband.
25:13He's
25:14a dynamo
25:15to his
25:15fingertips,
25:16bless
25:16him.
25:17I've
25:17known
25:17him
25:17throb
25:18away
25:18quietly
25:19even
25:19in
25:19repose.
25:34you've
25:35done
25:35it,
25:35dear.
25:36They
25:36were
25:36impressed.
25:37Can we
25:38go home
25:38now?
25:39Of
25:39course
25:39not,
25:39dear.
25:40We'll
25:40finish
25:40the
25:41round,
25:41and
25:41then
25:42we
25:42get
25:42chatting
25:42to
25:42Mr.
25:43Milburn
25:43in
25:43the
25:43club.
25:55Hey!
25:56Shhh!
25:57Strikes
25:58me,
25:58mate.
25:58You
25:58need
25:59a
25:59bigger
25:59hole,
25:59a
26:00smaller
26:00ball.
26:01Come
26:02on,
26:02we
26:03haven't
26:04got
26:04all
26:04day.
26:08Oh,
26:10he's
26:10coming
26:11your
26:11way.
26:12Who?
26:12Don't
26:13look
26:13now,
26:13Richard,
26:14but
26:14I
26:14do
26:15believe
26:15he...
26:16Yes,
26:16he
26:17is.
26:17Mr.
26:18Milburn's
26:18coming.
26:19He's
26:19going to
26:19invite
26:20us
26:20to
26:20join
26:20him.
26:20I
26:20told
26:21you
26:21you'd
26:21made
26:21an
26:21impression.
26:22I
26:22say,
26:23would
26:24you
26:24mind?
26:25Do
26:25you
26:25think
26:25your
26:25husband
26:26could
26:26do
26:26his
26:27stuff
26:27again?
26:28We've
26:28got a
26:28couple
26:28of
26:29offensive
26:29types
26:29up
26:30there.
26:30Need
26:30to
26:30be
26:31taught
26:31a
26:31lesson.
26:33Richard,
26:33how
26:33wonderful.
26:35He's
26:35leaning
26:35on you
26:35already,
26:36dear.
26:41Off
26:41you
26:41go,
26:41then,
26:42dear.
26:45Go
26:46on.
26:48Come
26:48on,
26:49hurry up.
26:50Let's
26:50see you
26:50get the
26:50little
26:51ball down
26:51the
26:51hole.
26:52I
26:53should
26:53watch
26:53your
26:53stuff.
26:54This
26:55chap's
26:55dynamite.
26:56I've
26:56seen him
26:56deal with
26:57bigger
26:57lads than
26:58you.
26:58Oh,
26:59yeah.
27:04is it
27:06coming?
27:07Here's
27:08knife.
27:09get it.
27:11Let's
27:12go.
27:21Let's
27:29Oh, not so good this time.
27:38Hello, missus. Go home, walkies.
27:42You want to play games, do you?
27:53She's magnificent.
27:57Richard, Richard, I've been offered a job with Frosticles.
28:03Oh, take it, Hyacinth, please.
28:07I couldn't do that, dear. You'd be so bored at home without me.
29:22Welcome to England.
29:23It's much more than fish and chips.
29:25We've got chicks with a tits and a big filled lips.
29:27Ballyed up kids and a RS6.
29:28Big two fiddies, four fiddies with a kick.
29:30Lives with more grips that'll creep in your crib.
29:32I smell bacon, I smell pigs.
29:33Take the cash down, get into the whip.
29:35Leaves roll racing, I'm feeling like Hamilton.
29:37Weegros amazing, crops gang grabbing them.
29:39Don't give a fuck in the truck and I'm ramming them.
29:41Follow West Yorkshire, police here, it's fun to leave.
29:42Everybody's here.